(Note: This fight does not include any feats from Brawhalla scaling because they just had to put Tigress in there. Tigress obliterates with that scaling, moving on).
: No super long intro this time, don’t care, didn’t ask, monke time.
: And bird, cat, bug, and snek time too.
: Reject animality, embrace monke.
: Aren’t monkeys also anima-
: It’s time for a SMACKDOWN!!!
It was a slow day at the Jade Palace. After the defeat of Kai, and with Po having left to the Panda Village for a special guest appearance, there weren’t really any villains around for China’s greatest kung fu masters to throw down with.
And with peace, often comes complacency.
The only one out of their room was a diminutive red panda with a long wooden staff, draped in regal garb. He sat meditating in the halls of the Jade Palace proper, searching for any signs of incoming danger.
“Oogway…what messages do you have for me?”
A few leaf petals were stirred up by a stray wind gust, lightly smacking into Shifu’s face.
“Yes, I’m aware I am a bit too anxious lately. But Kai’s defeat should not make us drop our guard. The problem is, the Furious Five do not agree.”
stop music
Suddenly, the petals began to coalesce and join together, forming distinct arms and legs, before finally they solidified into a ghostly figure, whom Shifu knew quite well.
“Master Oogway!”
Shifu bowed in deference, only for the turtle to wave his hand.
“Please, my friend. There is no need. You and I are now of the same stature…”
“It will take some time for that to truly set in, master.”
With a small chuckle, Oogway craned his neck to stare eye to eye with Shifu. “Do you remember what I said to you, all those years ago?”
“Yes, I recall it was that a peach could defeat Tai Lung.”
“After that.”
“To…believe?”
Oogway nodded, a warm smile on his face.
“Believe in the Furious Five. They will be ready when the time comes. And so will you…”
Shifu still looked unconvinced.
“But if you really desire a solution, listen carefully…”
Oogway leaned close and whispered in Shifu’s ear. The sensei’s ears twitched and his eyes widened, but he said nothing, merely nodding.
Licking his lips, Oogway stepped back and smiled.
“Remember, Shifu…believe…”
As Oogway trailed off, his form began to dissipate into petals once again, until all evidence of his existence was wiped clean, save for a cool breeze.
“I understand, master.” Shifu replied, as he stood up and walked out the main doors.
stop music
As the cool breeze whipped through his fur, Shifu gazed out over the Valley of Peace. The valley, and its denizens, that he had sworn to protect long ago.
“What does the universe have in store…?”
Shifu’s ear twitched, as he looked off into space.
start 1st music
Meanwhile, in the barracks, five animals sat a table, all munching on delicious bean buns.
Tigress didn’t even like bean buns.
None of them wanted to admit what they were thinking, so they continued to eat.
Finally, Mantis spoke up.
“So, Crane…got any new cool scented fabrics lately?”
Crane’s eyes widened a bit.
“You’ve never been interested in my fabrics before.”
“Yeah, well, I was just wondering. IS THAT A PROBLEM!?” Mantis screamed, trying to make himself heard.
“Wow, you must be really desperate.”Â
“A little bit.”
“Look, let’s just admit it. We all miss Po.” Viper cut in.
“And she said it.” Monkey sighed, as the rest of the Five followed suit.
“It’s not really the same doing dizzy kung fu or pranks without him.” Monkey mumbled.
“And my training has been growing steadily less effective without his competition.” Tigress assented.
“But, he’s the Dragon Warrior. It’s his job to maintain peace, no matter where he goes.” Crane added.
The Five just sat in silence afterwards, the tinkle of the windchime outside being their only companion.
“Enough!”
The rough voice instantly snapped them back to reality, as they stood at attention while Shifu strode into the room. Despite his age and short stature, his presence still commanded respect.
“Master Shifu-“
“This display is unbefitting of your position! You must always remain at your peak to face the challenges that lie ahead!”
“With all due respect, Master, there aren’t any threats.” Monkey chimed in.
“That is no excuse! Report to the Training Hall immediately!”
Not even the Five dared to defy Shifu twice, as they bowed and ran off. Shaking his head, Shifu followed after them.
When he arrived at the ancient hall he had constructed with Taotie years ago, he saw the Five diligently honing their skills. Tigress was training with the wooden totems, striking their vital areas with a focused blend of strength and precision. Monkey was leaping through the rings with remarkable ease, swinging around by his tail at some points. Viper darted through the flame jets, elegantly weaving around them so not even her tail was singed. Mantis was kicking around the rubber dummy in midair and performing combos on it at speeds almost too fast to track. And Crane was flying around the room at high speed with the Iron Turtle Shells strapped to his legs.
And yet, when Shifu looked into their eyes, he saw the same muted disposition from the barracks. Their bodies were being molded, but their gazes remained dull and monotonous.
“Students!”
The Five stopped once more and joined Shifu, hanging onto his words.
“I see now that the traditional methods will not reignite your fighting spirit. These training implements have long since worn out their usefulness. Your skills need to be tempered by something more befitting of your current skill.”
The Five stared at each other, confused.
“Such as…?” Tigress cautiously asked.
Shifu fixed her with a look equal parts mischievous and unflinching.
“Yourselves.”
Before they could question his words, Shifu tapped his staff on the hard floor to signal a need for silence.
“You have fought alongside each other for many years. You know each other’s strengths, and weaknesses. You trust each other with your lives. This is the strength that has led you to victory in combat countless times. But it is also possibly your greatest downfall.”
“Your reliance on each other has led you to believe that you will always be allies. But there may be a time when your camaraderie will be ripped asunder. And at that moment, your individual fighting skills may not be enough.”
“Master Shifu, we can hold our o-“
“Monkey, today there is no we. There is only you, and your abilities.”
“…I, am capable of defeating anyone who tries to stop me.”Â
“Yeah, sure, banana breath.” Mantis mocked.
“You think you could beat me? Get out of here.”Â
“Any half-decent kung fu master could probably beat you two jokers in a fight.” Crane muttered.
“Yeah? At least I don’t spend half my training time sniffing rugs!”
“You just said you were interested in them!”
“Everyone calm down, so we can realize just who exactly is the best kung fu master here. Maybe one kinda, long. And with flowers on her head. And snake-y.” Viper offered.
“What have YOU done?” Mantis accused.
“I don’t know, maybe saving you from drinking poisoned water?”
“Good point.”
The conversation devolved further into aimless bickering, as Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose. Finally, he couldn’t take anymore, and delivered a swift strike that knocked the Five down.
“If you believe in your own superiority, then prove it! You five will fight each other. Fight like your lives depend on it!”
The Five looked somewhat hesitant at the idea, but Shifu wasn’t done.
“And for the winner…”
From his robes, Shifu produced a small box, ornate and lined with jade.
“A message, from Master Oogway.”
“A message?” they said in unison.
“Of how to achieve your greatest dream.”
This really drew the Five’s attention, as their minds began racing, thinking about what they would achieve.
But as they really thought about it, thought about their shallow personal dreams of growing tall or bringing back their family or mastering the deepest secrets of kung fu, something felt…off.
“Master Shifu, with all due respect, I think I’ll fight for myself, not for an answer to problems I don’t have.” Tigress insisted.
“Me too!” Viper added.
“Same here.” Crane agreed.
“And me.” Monkey noted, his voice serious.
“Let’s do this thing!” Mantis roared, his voice carried on by the accompanying chants of the rest of the Five.
After all, there was a certain allure to finding out which of them was the strongest, if only for bragging rights.
Shifu gave a small smile, before turning around and opening the doors.
“Go! The world is your arena! But remember, this conflict is only amongst yourselves. Remember your training, and…”
With a wink…
“…good luck.”
Heeding their master’s wishes, the greatest of China’s defenders surged out into the training yard, and faced each other.
“Remember, we’re just fighting. Not trying to kill each other. At least, not too much.” Tigress asserted, a smug grin on her face.
“Sure, sure. Just prepare to be monk’d!”
“What does that even me-ah, forget it.” Crane murmured, adopting his eponymous stance.
“It means he’s scared of my ANTENNAE OF FEAR!”
“That’s never gonna catch on.” Crane rebuked.
“If you can use ‘Wings of Justice’, I’m sticking with this. I’ve honed it since my fight with Kai, and now it is a FORCE to be reckoned with, my friend! A FORCE!” Mantis insisted.
“More like a farce to me.” Viper chided.
“Now, my students…” Shifu announced, “…BEGIN!”
Almost immediately, Monkey jumped at Tigress and began throwing out a rapid series of jabs, forcing the feline fighter to take the defensive as she parried each strike. Eventually, she was forced against the back wall, barely dodging Monkey’s punches as they left cracks in the stone.
“Say goodnight!” Monkey taunted, winding up another punch.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Tigress smirk. But before he could pull back, he was already striking, already missing, as Tigress vaulted over him and slammed the primate into the wall face-first.
“Good night.”Â
As Tigress attempted to sink her claws into his back, Monkey quietly stretched his tail behind her back, and in one swift motion, unbalanced her before delivering a headbutt to her chin, and then a kick off the wall into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her lungs.
“Ah, I see what you did there.” Monkey mused, as he surged toward Tigress on all fours to strike again.
As the two clashed fists, it released air currents that blew past the rest of the Five, slightly disorienting Crane and allowing Viper to grab him with her tail.
“Kyah!” Viper grunted, as she slammed the bird fighter into the ground, before slithering around, ensnaring his body tightly, and looking at him face-to-face.
“We’ll settle this later.” Viper whispered, lashing out and striking at Crane’s neck. The master screeched in pain, and then fell unconscious.
Taken aback, Mantis simply responded with a flat “…whoa.”, before Viper turned on him and began striking back with the same rapid bite attack that had seemingly taken out Crane.
“‘She’s faster than before…but so am I!'” Mantis thought, as he used his pincers to strike back, redirecting Viper’s fangs into the ground and allowing him to land several scratches on Viper’s scales.
Somewhat frustrated, Viper whipped around with her tail and smacked Mantis across the head, sending him flying into a wooden beam hard enough that he got stuck.
“The antennae of fear didn’t…work…”
Satisfied for now, Viper turned to Tigress and Monkey, still wrestling in the dirt to try and gain supremacy. Not wanting to interrupt the battle to conserve stamina, Viper simply sat back and watched, anticipating the moment when the winner would come forth.
However, unbeknownst to her, Mantis had wriggled free of the pillar, and began silently creeping around the edge of the arena. He darted between different blades of grass in the copse, then scaled a nearby tree until he reached a mid-level branch.
Slowly, he peeked out and saw Viper just below, completely oblivious. Seeing his chance, Mantis struck, lashing out and striking Viper’s neck with a single blow before retreating.
“Ow!”
Viper looked around in surprise, but found nothing. Her senses now heightened, she began slithering around the tree, determined not to be caught off guard aga-
SHINK!
Another claw struck Viper’s midsection, leaving her somewhat dazed as she tried to bite down on Mantis, only to hit the air trail left in his wake.
Viper got somewhat riled up, but managed to somewhat focus her mind and sense the world with different eyes.
Another swipe at her, this time at the tail. She paid no attention, instead feeling out the trajectory of the attack and its source.
“‘Climbs up the tree to get the high ground…'”
And then, in the heart of the battle sounds, she heard the cracking of a dry leaf as legs contracted to jump.
“‘There!'”
As Mantis tried to strike this time, Viper bit down hard on Mantis’s hard outer shell, feeling the satisfying crunch under her fangs as she ragdolled him, before spitting him out and delivering a powerful downward swipe with her tail, slamming him into the ground in a broken heap.
Mantis’s legs were bent and broken in all places, and he couldn’t stand. He could only look up as Viper loomed over him, menacingly.
“Don’t worry. This’ll be painless.”
“Hehe…I’d hope so. You know what they say. Whatever you do…it always comes back around.”
“What are you…”
Without warning, Viper’s body began contorting uncontrollably, her bones cracking as they stretched beyond their limits, until she finally stopped after assuming the form of…
…a pretzel?
“Hooh…” Mantis breathed, as he stood up with great effort, feeling one of legs start to crack under the strain.
“After Taotie’s acupuncture sphere, I started studying up on the pressure points of the rest of you guys. I’d say this worked pretty well for a trial run.”Â
Suddenly, Viper lashed out, trying to deliver a powerful strike to Mantis’s chest, but couldn’t reach far enough before she recoiled.
“Nice try. But NOW, it’s over!”Â
With no reservations, Mantis began delivering a powerful series of swipes with his pincers and forelegs, scratching and slashing at Viper’s head and body with incredible force, until at last he delivered a mighty spinning kick directly to Viper’s face.
“Ungh…”Â
Her body giving out from the pain, Viper slumped forward, unconscious.
“Hah…hah…thorax of power…!”
Mantis started to limp away, but his leg still refused to stop bleeding from a small prick…
VIPER DEFEATED!
Seeing Crane knocked out, Mantis chose instead to focus on Tigress and Monkey, who had started to slow down.Â
stop music
As Mantis raced toward them as fast as his injured legs could manage, Monkey saw him coming as he grappled with Tigress. Formulating a plan, he rolled onto his back with Tigress on top, kicked her behind him as he finished his somersault, and pulled out his sword all in one move, before blocking Mantis’s flying kick with the blade’s hilt.
“Hwoooaaaahhh!”
Although they didn’t make eye contact, Tigress and Mantis rushed forward with a mutual goal, as they began a combined assault on the chimp. With his attention divided between two targets, he pulled out a bo staff as well, and held it in his other hand. Twirling his instruments, he pressed forward with an assault, slashing and stabbing and swinging with ultimate precision and timing to strike them while not guarding.
As Tigress was smacked by the staff, she was sent careening into the weapons rack, as she lay in a heap amongst the steel and wood. One in particular stuck out to her as she cleared her head.
Standing up, Tigress extended the tri bo yao and began swinging it around with deadly force, its metal spiked tips reaching out extremely far.
The speed at which Tigress spun turned her into a living whirlwind of destruction, blasting through all debris with incredible ease and leaving Monkey in a cold sweat.
He tried to counter Tigress’s impenetrable defense with his sword and staff, only to have them cut to pieces in moments.Â
“Ehehe…yeah…”
Monkey bolted out the doors, as Tigress struck down on nothing.
“Oh, he wants to ditch? I don’t think so.”
Taking aim at the fleeing primate, Tigress prepared to throw the staff, only to have it snatched out of her hands by a set of bony talons.
“Mind if I cut in?”
“Or maybe I should wrap this up?” Crane joked, as he rapidly flew around Tigress, trapping her in the bindings of her own weapon, before picking her up and tossing her.
“Okay, that one was actually kind of clever.” Mantis noted, as Crane flapped his wings in a rhythm, watching Monkey escape the palace.
“Oh no, you don’t. The Crane will be mocked no more!”
And with that, the flying fighter spread his wings and zoomed off at high speed, until he was little more than a blur.
“Yeah, uh…don’t wanna be here when she gets loose. Wait for me!” Mantis yelled, as he hopped out as fast as he could.
From behind the barracks, Tigress easily broke free of the Tri Bo Yao, and was furious. Her eyes burned with a desire to seek retribution, as she too ran out on all fours, covering several meters with each stride.
Shifu said nothing, merely striding over to Viper. With a series of pressure point strikes, he reversed what Mantis had done, and brought her back to her senses.
“Ugh…oh, my head…”
“Relax. You are in no danger, now.”
“Now? Well, you have to let me go after the-“
“No.”
Viper turned back, shocked.
“No?”
“You have already been defeated. The fact I had to revive you proves this.”
“But Crane-“
“Recovered on his own. You are powerful in your own right, Master Viper, but you will not win this fight. Not with your current level of skill.”
As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Viper knew Shifu had a point. If she couldn’t even defeat Mantis, what chance did she have against Tigress, or even Monkey?
“…Understood, Master.”
Shifu’s face softened.
“Then perhaps, training would benefit you.”
Viper nodded, as she got up and slithered alongside Shifu, as they went to see the rest of the fight themselves.
In the village…
start music
As Monkey reached the bottom of the stairs, he kicked up a nearby iron platter, tossed some change on the counter, and begin sliding on top to gain momentum as he whizzed down the street, expertly dodging all the people.
Meanwhile, Tigress took to the rooftops, skittering across and slicing through the tiling with her sharpened claws as she closed the distance, Mantis hot on her tail as he ran along the walls.
But as Tigress prepared to leap to the next vantage point, she found herself grabbed in midair by the scruff of her neck, and pulled into the sky.
“Crane!”
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” the bird replied, feeling somewhat cheeky as he threw Tigress upwards, expecting to deliver a fast series of kicks to her chest and send her flying.
Instead, he was thrown off guard when Tigress unexpectedly used the boost to accelerate herself and fly higher, almost touching the clouds, before turning and extending her arms and legs to form a sentient torpedo, barreling towards Crane as fast as terminal velocity could carry her.
With no time to react, Crane spread his wings in an attempt to catch Tigress, but the sheer force behind her strike sent both of them to the ground hard, leaving a massive crater in the street.
After taking the attack, Crane didn’t have enough stamina to recover before Tigress picked him up and began choking the bird by the neck.
“Don’t interfere.” Tigress growled, unsheathing her claws once again.
Sensing things were about to get dicey, Crane kicked out with his feet, only for Tigress to sidestep before trapping them in the crook of her arm, leaving Crane defenseless.
At least, it looked like it.
Without warning, Crane stretched his wings and clapped them together against the sides of Tigress’s head. Their softness made the attack leave little impact, but it stunned her long enough for Crane to peck her skull like a jackhammer, forcing her to divert her limbs to blocking and allowing Crane to escape.
But he decided not to capitalize on Tigress’s dropped guard out of respect, instead standing at the ready. And as Tigress shifted into her tiger style fighting stance, the two dipped their heads in respect, before beginning to fight.
Punch after punch, kick meeting kick, they seemed to be even. As Crane somersaulted over his foe’s head, Tigress was already there to intercept with a palm strike hastily blocked by Crane’s wings. Tigress’s leg sweep missed as Crane hovered in the air.
Crane performed a jump kick that broke Tigress’ guard, and was about to deliver another powerful strike to her midsection, only for his head feathers to be pulled hard by an unseen force.
“Gyah!” Crane croaked, as he felt a sharp pain near his skull.
“Remember, this is a free-for-all!” Mantis chided, as he pulled on Crane to and fro, moving the bird like a puppet on strings as the bizarre tag team turned on Tigress.
“And now YOU’LL take each other OUT!”
Crane blindly rushed at Tigress, but stopped short and performed his famous “Wings of Justice” technique, blasting a gust of wind at the feline and sending her flying off into the forest.
“This is going WAY better than I thought!” Mantis boasted.
“You know, I’m only going along with this because of mutual goals.”
“That’s the spirit!”
Rolling his eyes, Crane took flight once again and headed for the forest, as the townspeople looked on at the scattered remains of vendor carts and stone tiling.
Ms. Yoon, a short female goat, simply shook her head and let out a groan of disgust.
“Oh, I can’t believe this…”
Suddenly, an unstable chimney broke free from its few remaining moorings and fell down, utterly crushing a gate to a certain noodle restaurant…
In his shop, Mr. Ping stopped chopping bok choy.
“Huh?”
After a few seconds, he shrugged and went back to his work.
Bamboo forest…
Monkey was still sliding along the tray, having the time of his life as he bounced between the bamboo stalks.
“Heeheehee! Now I’ll just let them finish each other off, and then I’ll-“
Monkey grew silent as he noticed a shadow fall over him.
“That’s weird, I didn’t think it was night alreaOH MY GO-“
CRASH!
A huge mound of smoke erupted from the collision site, and as it cleared it revealed Tigress and Monkey clumped together in a heap.
“Aigh…someone get the cart number on that rhino?” Monkey groaned, as he attempted to wriggle out of the crushing pain, only to have his back further dug into, his spine almost cracking from the pressure.
“We still haven’t settled things yet, Monkey!”
“Okay, okay, I know, but, do you have to do it like this? What happened to honor in combat, and all that?”
“I’d say you tripping me with your tail makes us even.”
“Oh, come on, it’s just what I do! You spit up hairballs, I fling poop around…or at least some monkeys do.”
“Me, though?” he jested, as he produced a bright yellow object from his trousers.
“That’s bananas!”
Before Tigress could process what was happening, a sticky peel was launched into her face, staggering her and allowing Monkey the crucial seconds he needed to escape Tigress’s clutches.
And as Tigress started to stumble backwards in an attempt to get the peel off, Monkey saw an opportunity, and tossed a series of banana peels like ninja stars, littering the ground behind the tiger in slippery…uh…
“Slipperiness!”
Yeah, that.
Sadly for the tiger fighter, she couldn’t stop herself from taking a single step backwards, landing on another peel. But miraculously, the momentum she carried allowed her to blitz through every other peel in the line, slide up a tree trunk, and ricochet back towards the primate.
As Monkey attempted to throw another peel to unbalance her, Tigress ripped the obstruction from her eyes, and tossed it right behind Monkey’s feet.
“Ha, you missed!”Â
“Are you sure?”
“Well, yeah, you didn’t hit m-oh, I see.” Monkey noted, as Tigress drilled towards him at hyperspeed. In an attempt to get away, Monkey started to run backwards, only to trip over the peel and start falling…
…or not?
“Haha, gotcha!” Monkey jeered, as he flipped in the air and, while Tigress was flying past, kicked her in the back and sent her flying through the air, about to crash into a tree.
Yet again, Tigress used her momentum to grab the tree with her claws, spin around, and hurl herself towards Monkey once more, this time meeting her mark and knocking both of them into the bushes.
In the shadow of the trees, the duo resumed their tussle, a furious squabbling mass that crushed branches and leaves in the undergrowth without a care as they slowly approached a part of the ground where dirt transitioned to stone.
Before they knew it, the duo stopped feeling ground under their feet. Stopping their fight, they looked down and saw a drop that seemed thousands of feet long.
“Of course.” Tigress grumbled.
“Let me guess, we’re about to fall down a huge cliff.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Certain death at the bottom?”
“Most likely.”
“…Bring it on.”
As the duo began plummeting to their aforementioned inevitable demise, they continued to punch and kick and claw at each other, their flesh beginning to bleed and coat their eyes in sticky red liquid, until they were just flailing wildly in a vain attempt to gain the upper hand.
Just as they were about to hit the canyon floor at terminal velocity, a familiar pair of talons grabbed the two and hoisted them into the air, escaping a grisly fate.
“Whuh…?”Â
“Oh, come on, you didn’t think I’d let you fall to your deaths, did you?” Crane joked, as he soared up and out of the ravine and back onto higher ground.
“Anyway have a nice fall byeeee.”Â
“Don’t you dare-“
Crane dislodged his talons, allowing the cargo he carried to fall into the branches of a massive tree, being pricked by thorns and sharp branches the whole way.
Finally they stopped at a mid-tier branch.
“He’s gonna pay for that.” Tigress growled.
“Sure, but I’m going to be the one who collects!”
As he chuckled, he jumped into the air, and then slammed back down with tremendous force, causing the tree to recoil until it was completely bent over, pushing Tigress out. And with a cheeky hand gesture, Monkey braced himself as the tree snapped back to its original position, launching the fighter into the sky and directly towards Crane.
“‘Heehee, he’ll never see me coming this time!'”
Once again, the primate was proven incorrect, as Mantis emerged from beneath Crane’s hat and mirrored Monkey’s high speed flight, ultimately delivering a powerful axe kick that knocked out one of Monkey’s teeth and sent both falling to the forest floor.
But before Monkey could complete his fall, Mantis increased his velocity so he hit the ground first, before using it as a springboard to jump up and deliver a powerful strike directly to Monkey’s ribs, feeling one crack underneath.
With his advantage, he encircled Monkey’s body and delivered a series of pressure point strikes all over, trying to finish him off like he had with Viper. It all happened in the blink of an eye before the long-tailed knuckle-dragger fell with a loud THUD.
Mantis fell in front of him, landing in a stylish pose, as Monkey began twitching from the effects of the paralysis. Glancing over his shoulder, Mantis smirked and began walking away.
But with his guard no longer up, he couldn’t prevent himself from being quickly smacked way by Monkey’s outstretched hand, flinging the pint-size master into a log.
“Ugh…no way, how did he-” Mantis groaned as he peeled his head off the bark and turned around to witness…a rather strange sight.
stop music
There was Monkey, swaying back and forth unsteadily, his eyes glazed over, but on his feet.
“Dizzy…Dizzy kung fu! I’ve been…practicing.” Monkey slurred, as he readied himself in a rather unstable fighting stance.
start music
A shocked look spread across Mantis’ visage for a fleeting moment, before dissolving into a frustrated scowl.
“Okay, minor setback. Still got the advantage here.” the bug reassured himself, fleeing into the trees. Using the greenery to camouflage himself, Mantis flitted from branch to branch, forming a phantasmal barrier between his battleground and the rest of the wood.
Moving at the speed of light, he attempted to strike Monkey, only for the dizzy primate to sidestep his intended blows. His movements were erratic, unprofessional. Not befitting of a fighter of his caliber. And yet, Mantis could not strike him at all.
“Ohohoho, aim over there…”Â
Monkey looked in a random direction, and then got a gleam in his eye.
“Hit over here!”
With a rapid chop, Monkey sniped the unsuspecting Mantis out of the air, bringing the assault down several notches. Undeterred, Mantis stood up and began lashing out at Monkey with his pincers, delivering blow after blow. Some of them met their mark and left bleeding gashes, but the majority were swiftly countered by Monkey’s jabs.
Impatient, Mantis tried going for a leaping stab, only for Monkey to reach both hands out and perform a clap that trapped Mantis between his palms, crushing him. Taking no chances, Monkey jumped upward, and then slammed down hard on Mantis before he could recover, squishing the bug underfoot.
“Ooohhhh…damn it, how!?”
“That’s what getting monk’d feels like!”
“Yeah, well, you’re about to have a big problem on your hands!” Mantis promised, pulling out a small blue bottle. Popping the cork, he downed the contents in one swallow.
“No, is that-?”
“OH yeah, baby!”
At first, nothing happened. The world was quiet, awaiting Mantis’s new revelation.
Then, his body convulsed, and the ground began to quake and buckle. The rumbling unbalanced Monkey and put him flat on his back, forcing him to observe up close as Mantis’ formerly 3 inch tall frame grew bigger, and bigger, and bigger, by the second, until at last he stopped.
“Oh…my god.”
The towering trees were naught but toddlers next to Mantis’ massive frame. With his increased size, Mantis’s next blow was so powerful it sent shockwaves running through the earth, dislodging all the forestry and leaving behind a barren wasteland.
“Haha! Give it up, Monkey, I’m winning this one!” Mantis proclaimed, ready to strike again.
“‘If I remember anything…about that Gong Tau potion…it’s that one weakness!'” Monkey mentally countered, as he managed to just barely sidestep Mantis’ claw swipe.
But he underestimated how much power was contained in those claws, as even just barely grazing the green pincers resulted in Monkey being thrown backwards, his bones aching and his limbs sore. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to dodge another one.
“Just one…chance…!” Monkey gasped, holding his ribs as he stood up in the face of Mantis’ clumsy downward strike.
Mustering all his remaining strength and agility, Monkey jumped right before the pincer struck the ground, and landed on the claw itself. In the time it took for Mantis to retract his attack, Monkey had already run across half of the arm, before swinging with his tail to grab hold of Mantis’ protruding backside.
Using the speed gained from the swing, he curved around Mantis’ tail before it moved, jumping into the air as the giant bug awkwardly turned around to find his quarry.
“Come out, Monkey!” Mantis boomed, as the primate quietly climbed up his backside. His small size made his intrusion almost unnoticeable, until he accidentally slipped and pulled on Mantis’s shell to stay aloft. Although a small act, it was still felt by Mantis, who attempted to swat Monkey off his back without seeing anything.
Monkey jumped to avoid the claw swipe, and continued to leap up the giant bug’s shell. He couldn’t stop to breathe, or he would be smushed flat by the bug’s pincers. His body screamed in pain, about to give out, but the monkey kept going, up and up, until he finally scrambled onto the shoulder, then leaped to the head.
“Oi, Mantis!” Monkey screeched, kicking the giant bug in the nose several times. “Come and fight me like a warrior!”
“You’re gonna regret that!” Mantis roared, as he reached up and smacked himself in the face, missing Monkey by centimeters and leaving an ugly bruise.
“Hey, over here!” Monkey called, stuck to Mantis’ belly.
Yet again, Mantis swung and missed Monkey by some distance, knocking the wind out of himself with a heavy claw swipe.
“Stay still so I can crush you!“
“But then the game would be over!” Monkey chided, appearing on Mantis’ shoulder.
The incoming chop was slower, giving Monkey ample time to dodge as it smashed into the side of Mantis’ skull, unbalancing him as the mighty bug toppled over.
“You should have remembered from last time! All that being bigger makes you…”
As Mantis hoisted himself up, he tried to deliver another jab with his pincer, only for Monkey to jump over and punch Mantis right in the eye.
“…is a bigger target!”
Mantis howled with pain, clutching his blackened pupil to lessen the swelling as his face twisted into pure anger. He abandoned all semblance of focused technique and just flailed his arms around like buzzsaw blades, slicing down hordes of trees with a single slash.
But his strikes were still sluggish, and Monkey could easily duck and weave between all of them as he delivered precision strikes to Mantis’ frame, redirecting the pincers to repeatedly strike Mantis across the face, stomach, and back.
Eventually, Mantis’ movements were reduced to that of a snail’s pace, fruitlessly striking at nothing while gasping and wheezing, until he stopped moving altogether. And like a tree with its roots cut, the monument-sized master fell over and hit the ground with a staggering KA-THUMP!, unconscious.
Wishing to conserve his energy, Monkey walked over to a nearby cave and sat within to rest, ready to continue when he was found.
MANTIS DEFEATED!
With only three masters remaining in the fight, Monkey observed as outside the cave, there were the sounds of a scuffle once again, before an unknown shadow was launched into the cave from outside, obscured by the darkness.
“Oh, of course!”
Still grumbling, Monkey took off deeper into the cave, the light around him completely vanishing.
The shadow stood up, stretched its wings, and turned to reveal a familiar straw hat and a steely gaze.
And then he sneezed.
“Oh, no, is there dust in this cave? I’m allergic to-ah-ahh-AHHH…CHOOO!…dust.”
Wiping his nose, Crane saw he was in pitch black. He was about to exit, but his ears caught a faint trace of a swishing sound ahead.
“Oh, I’m REALLY gonna regret this, aren’t I?”
Crane focused, and with the techniques he learned from Po months ago, summoned forth a small golden energy from within his body, lighting up the cavern and the way ahead.
Cautiously, Crane stepped into the blackness after Monkey, as Tigress barreled into the maw of darkness after him.
The trio raced along the narrow corridor, guided only by the light of their chi. But Crane’s flight gave him the edge in swiftness, and soon he spotted a familiar long tail.
“Haha, gotcha!”Â
Crane zoomed forward and grabbed hold of his prey, but was unable to slow down. He slammed right into Monkey’s back, causing the two to roll in a heap down the path, unknowingly passing through a bright light and into a blizzard.
The snow battered down on the two as they continued to roll around in the snow, before Crane kicked Monkey into the sky and…
over a cliff.
Monkey didn’t even have a chance to scream before he dropped like a stone, but Crane managed to catch him in midair.
“Oh, thank-“
Suddenly, Monkey was shoved against the side of the cliff as Crane flew parallel to the sharp crevasse, being battered by stones of all shapes and sizes, some even sticking to his fur and into his skin.
Monkey almost passed out, but he managed to grab hold of Crane’s legs, and began to crush them in his grip.
Feeling the sting, Crane began flying around at hyper speed, flying down, up, left, right, all around, into the valley below, and even into trees and other boulders. Monkey still refused to let go.
“Maybe this, then!”Â
Crane flew back to the mountain, but this time he flew into the sky. He flew further than the highest clouds, seeing blackness at the edge of his vision. But he kept going.
The high pressure created an audible popping, but one was clearly showing more negative signs than the other.
Monkey strained to stay conscious, his breaths a rapid irregular oscillation of quick and slow.
“Air’s getting pretty thin up here, ain’t it?” Crane mocked.
“Yeah…right…I can…do this…all…dayyyy…….”
Monkey had lost all capacity to remain awake, and his arms slowly dislodged as the primate fell once again.
Feeling the weight removed, Crane stopped and began flapping in midair, scanning around to find Tigress. Little did he know the rustling in the snow behind him, as a dark shadow jumped from the peak of the tallest mountain.
The first grab at Crane’s legs missed, but the unseen figure extended their other hand just enough to grab the bird’s toes, and held firm.
“Ack!”Â
The bird tried flapping as hard as he could, but he was still being pulled down, the rate of descent growing more rapid until it reached incomprehensible acceleration levels, bringing Monkey back into Crane’s vision.
With the ground coming up fast, Crane tried to slow his descent by spreading his wings, but it barely made any difference. But it did force Tigress to scrape against a rock, releasing several large shards.
This was the opportunity Monkey had been waiting for. Using the strength still left in his legs, he jumped off one of the shards, and grabbed another.
“LEAPING MONKEY!”
Monkey used his famous technique to jump from shard to shard, until at last he jumped up and grabbed hold of Tigress’ body, propelling himself up until he was above Crane.
With his plan in motion, Monkey threw a clump of snow into Crane’s eyes, blinding the bird and causing him to fly around recklessly, smashing into rocks and cliffsides and rustling the snow.
“Good…now…AIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIIIIIII!”
Monkey’s screaming jostled the snow even further, acting as the destruction of the last roadblock to the snow rushing down in a ceaseless avalanche, missing Monkey by inches due to his last-second attachment to the rock wall.
The others were far less fortunate. Crane and Tigress were almost instantly buried under the snow as it cascaded into a valley, filling it to the top before it finally subsided.
Monkey, noticing that there was no movement from within the snow pile, felt a bit more at ease, as he carefully maneuvered down to the bottom of the ravine, and plodded over to admire his handiwork up close.
“Teehee…gottem.”
CRANE AND TIGRESS DEFEATED?
As Monkey began to walk away, he noticed a set of three orbs, coming from over the mountain, that stopped above the snowdrift before diving directly into it.
“I have a bad feeling about this…” the primate muttered, as he turned and slowly stumbled over to the drift. He leaned in close-
–and got grabbed by the mouth!
His screams didn’t come out as the snowdrift crumbled away, revealing Tigress was very much still kicking, holding onto three glowing spheres.
“The Spirit Orbs? But they were locked in the cabinet, how did you-“
“Mental focus. Kinda what I’m good at.”
Undeterred, Monkey charged at Tigress with a powerful spinning kick, but Tigress just leaped overhead and landed behind his exposed back, shooting a couple orbs to ram into him and deal heavy damage before calling them back.
Monkey somersaulted through the air to prepare a flying kick towards Tigress’ head. Normally she could easily dodge it, but the avalanche had taken a lot of energy to escape, and she could barely manage a slow shuffle before Monkey decked her, knocking the balls away.
Defenseless, Tigress was forced back into the wall by Monkey’s merciless array of strikes at every point, only just managing to deflect the blows from hitting her vital areas. But she could see the orbs just a few meters away.
“‘Concentrate…'” Tigress mentally insisted, holding out her outstretched palm towards the orbs, which glowed as if in response to her command.
And as Monkey was about to let loose a decisive attack, the orbs immediately were summoned to Tigress’ hand. The tiger immediately held them out to intercept Monkey’s thrown punch, and a massive flash of light filled the battlefield, engulfing the two before they disappeared.
stop music
“Oooohhhh…my head…”
Monkey took some time to shake the dust from his eyes as he groggily stood up. But still, he had no idea what was happening.
He was standing on a white platform, with nothing on it. The world around him was merely a featureless black void.
“Aw…am I dead? That’s disappointing…”
Plopping himself on the ground, Monkey began puzzling out what he should do next.
No ideas came in the first hour, so he kept thinking. And thinking.Â
And thinking some more.
It felt like a year had passed, and still nothing.
“Maybe if I had a banana.”
The yellow fruit almost immediately appeared in his hand.
“Wow!” he gasped, wolfing down the fruit in an instant.Â
“This…mmgh…this is pretty good! And grilled a bit, just how I like it! But…what would be really great is-“
Instantly, more bananas and some plantains appeared in a stack.
“Yeah, that!”
As Monkey continued to chow down, he smiled a bit.
“You know, maybe being dead won’t be as bad as I thought. And you, my friend…” Monkey crooned, picking up a particularly juicy plantain, “…will go down great.”
As Monkey peeled the fruit, he noticed there was nothing inside but a black void.
“Hey, who ate my-“
KA-CRACK!
A fist shot up through the hole and socked Monkey in the jaw, knocking him over as the peel exploded to reveal Tigress, holding the Spirit Orbs.
Dazed, Monkey sat up and glared.
“Tigress! This is my dead world! Get your own!”
“You’re not dead, you’re in your mind.”
“My…mind…?”
“So that explains the bananas. I know what I like. Anyway, how did you do that?!”
“Ding’s orbs.”
“You summoned them from all the way over here? That’s…impressive.”
“Save it for after I’ve won.”
“Fat chance! This is MY mind we’re talking about here!”
Monkey began growing in size until he absolutely towered over Tigress, his giggles feeling more like miniature earthquakes.
“Oh, come on, the growing big strategy?”
A hand slapped Tigress at incredible speed, knocking her into a suddenly materializing wall.
“Oh…right…” Tigress grunted, falling on her face while Monkey summoned a giant bo staff and sword again, before striking with rapid blows from both weapons.
Tigress picked herself up quickly before jumping on the blade as it sliced through the air, managing to hold on as it was shaken back and forth before she jumped to the staff.
“You aren’t the only one,” Tigress began, vaulting up and delivering a series of swift kicks to Monkey’s chin to force him back, “who can use dreams for themselves!”
Springboarding off Monkey’s nose, Tigress launched high into the air yet again. But this time, she focused her chi into a concentrated orb of power.
“Take this!”
Tigress launched the chi, now in the form of a concentrated beam, directly at Monkey’s head. But Monkey wasn’t fully dazed, allowing him to charge a chi orb in his own palm, before launching it in retaliation.
Both chi attacks collided in midair, as their power distorted the world’s space and reality at its epicenter. And yet, there was no clear winner.
“Give it up, Monkey! You don’t have the determination to be the best!”
“Oh, yeah? Then how’s THIS for determination!”
The primate raised his arms, and a horde of chi orbs appeared in a ring around him, glowing like golden hearts.
With a mighty upwards gesture, the sixteen orbs surged upwards, clustering together as they entered Monkey’s initial attack one by one, increasing its size and power as it began to easily overwhelm Tigress.
“Hehehehe, looks like I’m taking home first place, eh Tigress?”
“You haven’t won yet!”
“You’re really not giving me much to go off there.”
“‘Maybe one of these…'” Monkey pondered, as he summoned a barely visible clone of himself behind the tiger lady.
“‘And…'”
“ATOMIC WEDGIE!” Monkey yelled, as his duplicate pulled up on Tigress’ behind with heavy force.
Tigress yelped in pain, and the brief lapse in attention allowed Monkey’s attack to finally drill through Tigress’ blast, engulfing her and the void in a bright yellow shine.
Meanwhile, outside the mindscape, Crane had finally awoken and plodded over to see the Spirit Orbs in a trinity in the snow. But for some reason, they had started glowing rhythmically.
Incensed with curiosity, Crane leaned in and squinted. But he got in too close, and the orbs began emitting a powerful magnetic pull.Â
“Whoawhoawhoa!” Crane screeched, trying to fly away. But even his speed wasn’t enough to escape this great power, as he was sucked in.
Within Monkey, his mind-self had overpowered Tigress and sent her sprawling on the ground, dangling over the edge of a cliff into oblivion.
“It’s over!” Monkey roared, pounding his chest as he stood over Tigress in triumph. The cat closed her eyes, accepting the inevitable…
…but it never happened.
Out of nowhere, a vortex opened within space, and out popped Crane, flipping end over end until he found himself at Monkey’s feet.
Monkey let Crane get to his feet, the tension in the air palpable.
“Well, uh…I see that you two are busy at the moment, so, I’ll just get out of your way-“
“Crane!”
Tiger and crane locked eyes.
“Help me take out Monkey. You can tell he’s the biggest threat…literally.”
“True…but how do I know you won’t just backstab me when it’s over?”
“Of course I’m going to backstab you, that’s the point of this. But it stops him from winning.”
“Shrewd…but not untrue. Alright, you got a deal. But when this is over, we battle it out to decide the champion.”
The two shook hands, before turning on Monkey.
“Okay, let’s ah…let’s settle down here. You know it’s not a fair fight, two on one…” Monkey stalled, reaching around with his tail.
But as he was about to unbalance the two, Crane and Tigress jointly leaped and slammed down on the wayward tail, pinning it to the ground.
“Your size will not help you anymore, Monkey. Return to normal, and let’s settle this.”
“Maybe you’re right. After all, why use size…”
Monkey shrank down, and pulled some dust from his pocket.
“When you have numbers?”
Before Tigress could stop him, Monkey threw down the powder, shrouding the battleground in blinding fog. Tigress attempted to swat it away, but Crane simply let loose a wingblast that cleared their sight.
Standing around them in an impassable barrier formation was an army of Monkeys, all smirking ear to ear. And as soon as the duo took their eyes off one Monkey, it multiplied, until there were over a 100 of them.
“Well, this is a fine mess!”
“What, are you scared?” Tigress mocked, flexing her claws.
“Well, this is sort of a new experience for me.”
“Just try to keep up.”
“Ahem.” Crane coughed, holding up his wings and shaking them, before taking flight.
The two began their conflict with the Monkey horde. The clones weren’t quite as sturdy as the original, but they still took heavy degrees of punishment, and frequently joined together to engage in combo attacks to drive Crane and Tigress apart.Â
And yet, perhaps ironically, Tigress and Crane always had each others’ back. As Crane ducked to perform a leg sweep, Tigress was already vaulting over his back to deliver a spinning roundhouse. When Crane flew into the air, Tigress was grabbing hold, performing the Feet of Fury technique to knock several Monkeys into each other like domino.
As three Monkeys attacked her from behind, Tigress’ ears pricked, and she whiplashed around to deliver a fearsome palm strike that left an imprint in Monkey’s chest, sending him and the other clones careening off to the side, where they vanished into smoke.
Crane followed up by spinning around incredibly fast, to the point where he turned into a living tornado that swept up many of the clones into its maw, thrashed them around, and then spat them up and out through the eye of the storm, landing in a heap around the bird master.
Their moves perfectly in sync, Tigress and Crane continued to punch and kick and slash and stab in a ring, their movements a blur as their speed and power surpassed all expectations, until at last there was one Monkey left.
All three masters were breathing heavily, but they managed to pool their remaining energy into rushing forward, leaping, and extending their legs.
“GRAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
SHINK!
Monkey’s kick missed.
Crane and Tigress’ punches didn’t.
Their fist and wing collided with the primate’s jowls, knocking out his tooth, as he fell to the floor, not moving.Â
Tigress thankfully felt a pulse when she checked, and reassured Crane with a nod.
MONKEY DEFEATED!
And so, it was down to two.
Crane and Tigress walked to the center of the arena, and bowed to each other. But before Crane could react, Tigress shoved the Spirit Orbs in his face, smashing him into the unseen boundaries of Monkey’s mind hard enough to shatter, leaving a cracked hole into yet another void as Tigress followed behind.
Entering into Crane’s mind, Tigress could feel a very different vibe.
stop music
In contrast to Monkey’s mostly empty subconscious, Crane’s mind was jam-packed with all sorts of furniture. Fabrics, wood, thatched reed, even a rickshaw in the corner.
On the couch sat Crane, sipping tea.
“What are you doing? We’re supposed to fight, remember?”
“Yeah, sure, but I’ll never get this chance again! Look at all the scented fabrics! At least sit down and hear me out?”
Rolling her eyes, Tigress sat down and crossed her arms.
“Now, this fabric over here dates back to the Qing dynasty. It’s known as Hajun Jasmine, and was used in the emperor’s throne room due to its luxurious finish and delightful scent. Here, take a sniff.” Crane explained, shoving it in Tigress’s nose.
She took a brief sniff and nodded.
“Oh, and this fabric, it’s really special…”
The conversation dragged on for at least three hours, as Crane showed off his incredibly expansive collection of fabrics and regaled Tigress with stories of his fathers’ roof building and rickshaw driving, and was about to move on to his organized linen closet when Tigress finally snapped.
“OK, OK! Can we please just do something else?”
“Hah, okay. Just head through that door and I’ll meet you outside.”
A small wooden opening appeared, its golden handle inviting as Tigress stepped towards it.
“‘Finally, I thought he’d never be quiet.'” Tigress fumed, as she stepped through and found herself once more in the Northern Mountains, facing Crane.
As if in response to their heated souls, the snow stopped and created an undisturbed arena.
Once again, the two fighters performed a traditional bow of respect, before rushing towards each other.
As their fight raged on, day slowly turned to night, and the sky, usually littered with twinkling stars, was completely devoid of light, save for the moon. It’s luminescence coated the battleground with a faint brightness, allowing the silhouettes of the Jade Palace masters to be seen for fleeting moments.
As Tigress lunged forward with a palm strike, Crane took to the air once more, and with one wing remained aloft, while his other wing grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it. Tigress was not as easily fooled this time, as she effortlessly sliced the snow to pieces.
Crane tried again, but this time broke off a block of ice and molded it into a set of razor-tipped spears. The sky was soon filled with them, and Tigress was put on the backfoot as she deflected or redirected every single icicle. The spears returned to sender were bounced back by Crane’s wingblast, beginning a furious game of icicle tennis that quickly sped up as the volley continued, until the two were flailing their arms at speeds faster than eyes could track just to redirect the spear in time.
Eventually, however, the spear struck Crane’s side due to his inability to redirect it with both limbs, causing him to fall out of the sky and crash into a nearby snowdrift, thankfully breaking his fall.
Tigress racing towards him with her claws outstretched put enough fear into Crane’s heart that he started flapping his wings as a warning, inadvertently stirring up a miniature blizzard to serve as an impenetrable defense for several moments. But that brief hesitation in Tigress’ stride was all that was needed for her to be knocked off balance by the snow, as she found herself coated in white powder.
As a white tiger, Tigress had suffered enough humiliation. She growled with pure anger as she skittered towards Crane on all fours, her claws scraping through the snow with utter ease as she got closer.
Crane’s wing was still too injured to fly away, so he had no choice but to take the brunt of the next hit. But he couldn’t tank it in this state if he got hit full-on. He needed another way…
“‘Wait, hang on…yeah, I think that’s it! It’s my only chance!'” Crane assured, as he prepared to execute his strategy.
As Tigress delivered a swift kick, Crane turned around so his talons were taking the main force of the attack. The power behind Tigress’ legs easily launched Crane into the air, straight towards a sheer vertical cliff. And upon reaching it, Crane turned around so that he once again faced Tigress, using the cliff as a launching point one final time, his muscles tensed, as he blasted forward at incalculable speed.
Tigress, witnessing Crane rushing towards her, took a deep breath.
“COME ON!”
Using the ground as her own springboard, Tigress made a mighty leap towards Crane, and with her forward momentum she leaned in and began slashing away in front of her.
“IRON CLAW!”
Crane began spinning like a bullet, completely straightening out his body to boost his velocity until he was almost unrecognizable.
“SPINNING FEATHER BLOSSOM!”
The two got within inches of each other and-
SHINK!
The two intersected and moved past each other, both seemingly unhurt.
Wind whipped through the snowdrifts, dislodging some flakes that sailed along the current.
And then…
SPURT!
Blood rushed from a gash, running from the stomach all the way down to the leg in an unbroken line. One began to fall.
And with the victory in hand, the one on their feet curved around, grabbed the opponent by the neck, and threw them into the air. And with a true last remaining iota of stamina, the downed foe was blitzed several times over, the champion raging through the target and slashing recklessly over and over again, before climbing high above, blotting out the moon with a fear-inducing shadow, and somersaulting through the sky before delivering a bone-crunching footdive.
(idfk use your imagination dumb dumb stupid people I’m just kidding you’re great)
The impact knocked the defeated warrior to the snowfield below, the body continuing to bleed out as the victor landed nearby, energy completely spent. But not before uttering one final line.
“Who’s…the Crane…now…”
TIGRESS DEFEATED!
: Yeesh, uh…that seemed a little excessive. I thought these guys were supposed to be friends.
: Do not worry, the epilogue will very clearly explain how events can transpire in a positive fashion.
: I mean, yeah, but…shouldn’t someone get her a doctor, or…?
: This fight was honestly incredibly close. Because these characters’ stats are so similar to each other, and pretty much all of them can scale to at least some of the big feats in Kung Fu Panda prior to Paws of Destiny, any one of them could feasibly win this match if the scenario was run a hundred different times. For real! So picking the one answer that would happen the majority of the time was actually quite difficult. With one glaring exception.
: The first one out is Master Viper. She doesn’t really have any stand-out abilities that would give her an advantage in combat outside of an implied Venom bite, and her solo feats compared to the others are nothing notable. Kinda makes sense honestly, given how little she contributes. That, and pretty much all of her notable abilities, like paralysis techniques or levitation, are things the rest of the Five already have, which made it even harder for Viper to surprise them.
: Afterwards, though, is where it becomes much more difficult. Fourth place was a tossup between Mantis and Monkey, but ultimately we decided to put Mantis at fourth. His victory against Lidong is impressive, with Tigress noting Lidong as a formidable opponent, but it only happened because Mantis went inside his body and took him down within, because hitting his scales amounted to nothing. Mantis’ acupuncture also provides some decent hax, but he never uses it in combat and it requires hitting specific pressure points. His small size is also something the rest of the Five have long since caught onto, so they should be able to tag him.
: Monkey, despite being relatively lacking in high tier feats, gets to third because of his unpredictability and agility. Monkey’s tactics are something that the rest of the Five aren’t really prepared for, along with his penchant for fighting dirty, which allows him to pull some sneak strikes and take out some members of the Five, while using his good agility to stay away from the hard-hitting fighters for a good while. However, his lack of good feats keeps him from the top.
: Up next, we decided to put Tigress, which is…definitely going to require some explanation, given her status as the leader.
: While she definitely has the greatest raw strength of the group, arguably the most combat skill, and the greatest intelligence/mental focus, along with the impressive feats of staggering Kai and defeating Lidong (who can keep up with Po), she has somewhat of a weakness in dealing with fast opponents as seen in her fights against Mistress Mugan, and her brute-force fighting style will result in her taking lots of damage in addition to dishing it out. While this works fine in one-on-ones for finishing the fight fast, in a battle royale you normally want to stay in peak condition as long as possible, which Tigress’ close-quarters style will make it hard to do.
: There is also Tigress’s mastery of the Spirit Orbs, which Master Ding used to possess people and drive them to suicide, but Tigress never used the orbs in this fashion, and only used them to invade the minds of other Kung Fu masters. And even though this could potentially be helpful, it still doesn’t necessarily overcome the physicality gap, especially when other fighters could also potentially make use of the dreamscape to enhance their own fighting prowess. The durability in her hands is also rather noteworthy, and would be difficult for everyone else to get past, but this durability doesn’t necessarily extend to her entire body, as demonstrated by how she could be brought to the point of pain by things like Shen’s cannon and Kai that targeted her whole body. So more than likely, enough consistent pressure and attacks would be enough to overcome the problem.
: Finally, we selected Crane as the winner here, because he not only combined some of the best attributes of other Furious Five members into one, but his advantages were far more impactful.
: To begin, Crane holds an immense speed advantage, being able to even outpace Po for brief moments in KFP3, and flew from the top of a mountain to a valley miles away in seconds. This, combined with the ability to naturally fly, gives Crane a huge advantage in mobility, allowing him to stay out of range of all the other fighters, and take less damage, meaning he would be more in shape for the final fight.
: Crane is also the only one of the Five to possess ranged attacks with his Wings of Justice, meaning he can pelt them from afar if he so chose. His lifting strength is also comparable to Mantis via being able to carry the Five all the way from their battle with Tai Lung to the Jade Palace while exhausted. There’s also the fact that Crane tends to be underestimated by many other characters, which means that he will likely be focused on less in favor of taking out more prominent members like Tigress, leaving him in a better position when the final fight comes.
: And lastly, Crane has by far the best feats out of the Five, being able to take on and defeat both Fenghuang and the Lin Kuei singlehandedly, who are each capable of defeating the rest of the Five and even Shifu. Fenghuang in particular is the most powerful member of the original Furious Five that included Shifu, with the old Five being easily capable of dispatching the new Five at other points in the story. And while Fenghuang has beaten Crane several times in the past, she usually does that via her Impossible Moves, which she didn’t use here. So it should be fair to say Crane is comparable to a casual Fenghuang.
: Crane also has very little anti-feats, and staggered Kai as well with a barrel, putting him about on par with Tigress. And any unique techniques the others have, like the Chao-Wa Punch Kick or chi, are also known by Crane. While the other members can use Levitation Kung-Fu to fly, they are never seen using it after its debut, and Crane is still faster and more experienced with aerial combat. As such, due to greater speed, comparable strength to other heavy hitters in the Five, greater mobility, the greatest feats, and the ability to keep a low profile and avoid damage, Crane ultimately comes out on top.
: Guess winging it worked out pretty well for him, huh?
: Yeah…okay, but seriously, she’s about to die.
: Fine, the winner is Master Crane.
Â
Crane (Winner):
+ Fastest speed
+ Greatest mobility
+ Best combat feats
+ Could camp out and let the other fighters wear themselves out
+ Above average lifting strength level
+ Possesses a way to fight at long range
= Variety of techniques
= Intelligence
– Not as good in close-quarters combat
– Not as skilled in weapon usage
Â
Loser (Tigress):
+ Easily the most skilled weapon user.
+ Likely had the most raw power.
+ Punching the iron wood trees gives her somewhat of a durability advantage
+ Most combat training
+ Spirit Orbs gave her a unique hax that couldn’t be easily countered
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– Likely target due to her notoriety
– Style of fighting leaves her open to taking a lot of damage early on
– Fairly predictable in combat
Â
Loser (Monkey):
+ By far the most unpredictable in combat
+ Has high levels of agility
+ Probably the most well-rounded fighter
= Variety of techniques
= Intelligence
– Not particularly dominant in any one field of fighting
Â
Loser (Mantis):
+ Small size makes him hard to hit
+ One of the faster members of the Five
+ Above average lifting strength
+ Acupuncture hax can allow him to score some good hits on the opponents
+ Gong Tau potion can increase his size…
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– …but at the cost of his kung fu skill
– Very rarely uses acupuncture in combat
– Small size makes him overall less durable than the rest of the fighters
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Loser (Viper):
+ Poison manipulation via her fangs and the paralyzing shoulder pinch could allow her to incapacitate targets
+ Is somewhat agile
+ Can force opponents to hit themselves
+ …Vore?
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– Very few notable combat feats
– Can be easily tied up with her own body
– Very few notable individual abilities
Epilogue…
It took some time, but Tigress could slowly feel a sensation of warmth returning to her body. She felt comfortable enough to sit up, looking at Crane dispelling the chi around his wing.
“So…you won, huh?”
Crane smirked, but in a kind way, as if it was a jest between friends.
“What can I say? Sometimes, the Crane does get some rewards.”
“No, no…you deserved it. This just means I have to train more.” Tigress insisted, stretching out.
“A little training could help us all out. I mean, who knows what Po’s gotten himself into these days…”
The masters sat in rumination for some time, but eventually the bone-chilling weather set in and made them want to leave. So, Crane gathered Monkey in his claws, and the duo went back through the tunnel that brought them to the mountains to arrive back at the forest.
The Gong Tau potion’s effects hadn’t worn off yet, so they pushed the giant Mantis to the Moshu Market and bought the antidote from an eccentric pig, bringing Mantis back down to normal size.
By this time, the two had woken up, so they all walked together back to the Jade Palace, still clutching some of their wounds that had not closed yet. They walked together through the massive double doors, and bowed in deference to Shifu, waiting alongside Viper.
At his gesture, Viper slithered over to stand alongside the rest of the Five, awaiting Shifu’s next words.
“So, who ended up victorious?”
Everyone pointed at Crane.
“Really?”Â
Crane looked annoyed.
“I’m joking, I’m joking! I just never saw it coming.” Shifu mumbled, before clearing his throat.
“Students! I hope you realize the nature of this exercise, and hopefully you used it to become stronger fighters in the process. Even after many years of training, there is still more you can uncover and master to go even further beyond your preset limits. There may yet be a time when you will face an enemy more powerful than any beforehand, and you must be ready!”
“YES MASTER!”
“Dismissed.”
“W-wait, hang on?”
Shifu stopped and turned back slightly.
“Don’t I-“
“Yes?”
“Uh, I mean-“
“Mmhmm.”
“I just…feel like maybe I should, get a reward. For, winning this battle. Maybe.” Crane muttered, a bit sheepish.
“A reward greater than the knowledge you need to grow stronger? A reward greater than the satisfaction of triumph? A reward greater than the validation of your own kung fu skill?”
“…Yes?”
Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose, then let out a little chuckle.
“Alright, very well. Your reward is that you get to choose what the Furious Five do for the rest of the day, and they aren’t allowed to abandon it.”
This sparked Crane’s attention, as he rubbed his wings together and smiled, eyes wide, while the rest of the Five looked a bit uneasy. Except for Tigress, who was banging her head against a wall.
“Alright, let’s look on the bright side. Maybe it could be fun!” Viper pleaded, optimistic. “What are you planning, Crane?”
The bird winked and held out his wing in what was the best way to perform a thumbs-up.Â
“Well…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
The Five found themselves in a scented fabric store, impatiently waiting as Crane continued to sniff fabrics, and continuously arouse himself with their odor.
“Come on, Mantis, it could be a lot worse.”
“Yeah, standing around in a rug shop watching someone get high off of sniffing. What could POSSIBLY BE MORE FUN THAN THAT!?”
Everyone shhed the bug, who buried himself deep in his pincers.
“‘It’s only for a little bit.'” everyone promised themselves.
“Hey, guys, you have got to try smelling this reed-scented one, it is heavenly!” Crane insisted, as he took a massive inhale and smiled.
Everyone groaned as they sat and waited for another 30 minutes. Finally, Crane came up.
“OK, we’re done!”
Everyone cheered.
“With this store! The furniture store is having a sale on terra-cotta, isn’t it great!?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Up at the Jade Palace, Shifu’s ears twitched as he let loose a hearty laugh.
“Music to my ears.”
: The Furious Five. Five Kung Fu masters who have dedicated their lives, their blood, and their bodies to the art of fighting, and the protection of the Valley of Peace.
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