Bowser: Our thoughts on the winner are now decided.
Shadow: Hey, it’s Bass! I remember seeing this asshat before. I kicked his ro-butt real good.
Bass: Like hell you did!
Shadow: Hmm, that’s funny. Lemme get my Android and see who won those Shadow vs Bass fights awhile ago…
Bowser: Shadow, didn’t you lose to Wario once?
Shadow: …I have no further comments.
Wario: WAAAAAAAAARIO THE WIIIIINER!
Shadow: This shit’s gonna be a one time thing, right?
JJ: I actually kinda like it. Maybe we should do this again?
Bowser: I agree. Let’s bring that roasted porkchop Ganondorf in here so I can shove something right up his-
JJ: Uh, I’m JJ, your host.
Bowser: I’m Bowser, the King of Swing-I mean Awesome.
Shadow: And I’m Shadow, and I’m better than you.
JJ: And it’s time…for a SMAAAAAAACKDOOOOOWN!
—
It was a cold winter’s day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The snow was falling, glistening on the treetops like diamonds and forming large snowdrifts on the ground. On these drifts, the young Toad children of Toad Town were sledding, racing each other to get the fastest times in order to win the coveted hot cocoa prize given out by Princess Peach. Bowser’s Army, after the whole fiasco with King K. Rool and the teleportation device(see the crappy Bowser vs King K. Rool DBX), had decided to spend Christmas like normal, decorating Bowser’s Castle with colorful red and black lanterns lit by the Koopa King’s own flame. 12 calls to the Fire Department later, and they were finally done, along with setting up a Christmas tree that was…appropriated from a nearby forest.
Peach, meanwhile, was with Toadsworth in the main hall, also decorating with help from Mario and Luigi. As the resident green and red, rosy cheeked heroes, they were perfect to send invitations for the upcoming Christmas Party held at the castle. The tree was put in place, decorated with mementos of all the past. There was artwork of the Bros. and Bowser trouncing the Beanish maniac Fawful, them defeating Shadow Mario on Isle Delfino, and even traveling to the mysterious Space Junk Galaxy. However, one thing not on the tree, or anywhere else in the castle, were the big boned rival of Mario and the pin thin counterpart to Luigi, Wario and Waluigi. In fact, Princess Peach had specifically requested the Bros. to not drop by Wario’s castle specifically because the greedy twosome were not welcome at the party.
So while all the Toads and Koopas and even Shy Guys were getting invites as a celebration of peace and goodwill, high up in the castle Wario, there was only silence. The giant, cast iron gates clanged with the whipping wind, as the dead leaves swirled in a tornado by the front steps. The castle, once alit with a golden sheen, was now covered in moss and decay, and was clearly in need of a good scrubbing. Within the castle, most of the sweeping, spacious hallways were completely deserted, and there was no noise to be heard.
All except for the great hall, where two men were pacing around. One of them, Wario, was rather short and stout, with yellow clothes and purple overalls, as well as an exaggerated pink nose and zigzag mustache. The other, Waluigi, had a similar’s stache, but wore purple clothes and blue overalls instead. They paced around, muttering to themselves in low voices.
“Can’a you believe this’a, man! I can’ta believe the Princess didn’t invite us to-a the Christmas-a Party!” Wario rambled.
“Waluigi Number ONE!” Waluigi responded.
“Well, OK, I understanda why she didn’t invite-a you, but-a me? I’ma the KING of Charisma! I mean, just-a look at this great-a smile!” Wario scoffed, showing his pearly whites for all to see. “Ah, but itsa too late now. The party-a’s probably gonna start-a soon. Might as well just go-a and make-a something to eat. Whattya want?”
“Ehhhh…pasta, bro?” Waluigi ventured.
“…Ya know I can’ta make pasta!”
“You’re-a rich, right!? Just-a buy some!” Waluigi mocked.
“Rrrgh, all the stores-a are closed cuz a this-a Christmas shit! No one’s gonna sell-a it to me! Forget it, let’sa just go talk-a to the princess, maybe she can-a help us!”
“Okay, bro.” Waluigi conceded, and with that the two put on their winter jackets purchased awhile ago and headed out the door towards the castle. On the way there, they passed through Toad Town, and whenever they passed by a Toad or a Toad family, they either ran away or chose to cover their children’s eyes to make sure they didn’t see the “disgusting trash” tarnishing their streets.
“Soon, bro, soon we-a will get this straightened-a out. But not now.” Wario whispered to Waluigi, who was clenching his fist in anger. Finally, the two made it to the front gates and rung the bell. A portion of the door swiveled around to reveal a TV Screen, with the Princess’s face dead center on it. “What are you two doing here? You weren’t exactly invited, you know!” Peach pointed out.
“We-a know, and we wanna know why! We’re-a model citizens of-a the Mushroom Kingdom, and we have-a our rights!” Wario yelled, attracting the attention of the other townsfolk. Waluigi slowly swiveled around to give an awkward wave before turning back to face the princess. “Yeah!”
“Well, quite frankly, you’re rude, mean, bossy, smelly, ugly, unhelpful blights on this kingdom. You haven’t done a single thing to help us rebuild after the whole wedding fiasco awhile back, and you aren’t even willing to do simple good deeds for people. And you expect to be invited to this party just like that?” Peach scorned.
“Look-a, princess, I know it looks-a bad, but-a just give us a chance. We can be-a helpful, just give us a task to do!” Waluigi begged.
“Yeah!” Wario followed.
Peach rubbed her temples quickly and closed her eyes for a few long moments. Then she opened them and said “Very well. I will give you once chance, one job. If you succeed, it will truly be a service to our kingdom, and I will allow you to attend the party.”
“ANYTHING!” the mustachioed marauders pleaded.
“Well…”
Meanwhile, in Dr. Wily’s Skull Castle…
“Blast it all! That stupid Hornet Man couldn’t do the job! I just knew it, why did I send him? Oh right, because of potatoes. Ah well, now what? Zero isn’t quite done yet…I suppose I could send Bass to do the job.” said Dr. Willy(uh, I mean Wily), the short, old scientist with a grey mustache and thinning grey hair, along with a lab coat. He pressed a button on his console and spoke into his microphone. “Bass, can you come in here, please?”
The doors opened, and in stepped a robot, one that was tall, coated in black with yellow highlights, and had a gun attached to his arm. At his side was a small purple dog which stood by its master menacingly. This was Bass, the robotic rival of the powerful Mega Man, along with his faithful hound Treble.
“You better have a good reason for calling me in here old man. I was doing some target practice with Napalm Man, and I know he’s just dying to get back to it…after he’s rebuilt.” Bass said, chuckling.
“Hmm…Bass, I have an assignment for you.” Wily began.
“Is it to finish off Mega Man? Because I’ve been training hard!” Bass noted excitedly.
“…Not exactly. Your job is something super…special…secret…”
With every word, Bass’s eyes grew wider and wider, and Treble began drooling oil on the ground.
“secret…ASSIGNMENT?” Wily finished.
“YES!”
“I need you to watch over the safe with the evil energy in my basement.”
Bass’s jaw dropped and he scowled. “That’s it!? I’m a highly dangerous killing machine, and all you want me to do is act like some guardian lapdog for a few stupid jars of sealed evil in a can!? What do you take me for, old fool!?” Bass ranted, tilting his gun at Wily’s face.
“Now hold on Bass, I’m not done. If you do this task for me…I’ll give you a special upgrade that will let you beat Mega Man once and for all. Absolutely guaranteed to work. I promise!” Wily bargained.
“Hmm…are you positive?” Bass said, his eyes hungry for power.
“As serious as a Shark Man attack.”
“Very well. I will do this task, Doctor. But be warned. If you attempt to double cross me, I’ll make sure that Mega Man isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. Understood?” Bass threatened.
“Yes, yes, of course!” Wily agreed, before turning back to his console. Bass gave a curt bow before nudging Treble and walking towards the door, the loyal pup hot on his heels.
They walked down the long corridors together, twisting and turning over and over until they finally reached a set of double doors. Bass pressed his palm to the scanner, then his eye, and finally his buster, before giving the password (“Mega Dead Man”), causing the door to open. The two continued to walk until they reached the large safe with the Evil Energy, which had been used by Wily awhile ago to both empower Bass and his other robots with pure evil essence.
“Mmm…this brings back memories, eh Treble?” The robot dog barked in agreement, as they took positions on either side of the door, awaiting potential threats.
Meanwhile, outside Skull Castle…
“Ugh…this was a really long-a walk, eh bro?” Waluigi tiredly asked.
“Yeah…but it’ll…all be-a worth it. I think.” Wario replied, as they trudged up the hill. On their trek from Toad Town to where they were now, they had endured the blistering heat of the Gritzy Desert and Thwomp Volcano, swam through Blubble Lake, went through an underground mine belonging to Ground Man, and even up in the sky with Tengu Man. They almost gave up multiple times, but the thought of finally visiting the party as guests and not intruders pushed them onward in spite of that, until at last they had reached the top of the hill and were gazing at Skull Castle.
“Remind-a me what the plan was again, bro?”
“It’s simple. We-a go in, get-a that evil energy-a crap, and are rewarded-a with stuffing our faces with-a pasta!” Wario reminded Waluigi.
“Mmm…pasta.”
“Now, you-a wait here with-a the getaway-a car. We need to make a quick-a exit after we get-a the stuff.” Wario said.
Waluigi nodded, and Wario very stealthily(or at least as stealthily as he was able), began sneaking up to the castle, dodging between bushes and hiding behind trees like some sort of Solid Wario. He was almost at the ventilation shaft when he heard a voice saying “Identify yourself!”
Wario turned around and noticed two guards, a Mettaur and a Sniper Joe. So he did the only sensible thing he could and took their heads and bashed them together, turning the robot sentries into scrap metal. He then turned back to the vent and found he could just barely squeeze inside, but he was hurting from the cramped environment. “Hewth…maybe I shoulda spend my donero on a treadmill for-a ma castle.” Wario complained as he continued crawling through the vents.
He was lost inside the maze of tubes for what seemed like forever, and was just about to give up, when all of a sudden he heard voices coming from somewhere to his north. So he crawled forward until he saw a grate in the floor of the vents, allowing him to stick his ear up next to it and listen it. “Uurgh…this job is so boring, Treble. Why couldn’t he get someone like Spring Man to do this? What an idiot. You’d think that Wily’d make an inescapable room full of instant death spikes way before fucking Spring Man! Is he just running out of ideas for robots from his grab bag?” Bass monologued as Treble hung on to every word, nodding afterward.
“Ah well. If this’ll help me beat Mega Man, then it’s fine by me.” Bass acquiesced.
Wario slowly chuckled to himself as he prepared to drop down, surprise the foolish robot, and take the prize for himself. Unfortunately, his sounds of laughter didn’t go unnoticed by Bass, who tilted his gun at the ceiling and fired a dozen or so rapid fire blasts, hitting the grate and sending Wario tumbling down to the ground below.
“Uurgh…that-a hurt real bad!” Wario complained as he struggled to get to his feet. When he finally did, he turned around to find himself face to face with the Bass Buster cocked against his head. “Who are you? And what are you doing here, inferior worm?” Bass sneered. He looked Wario up and down with his optical sensors, trying to make out exactly what this stranger was and what he wanted at this place. Also, why was he so fat? “”This guy almost gives that foolish Dr. Light a run for his money…'”
“Uh…I’m…the Pizza Delivery-a guy!”
“Oh really? Where’s your pizza?”
“It…it uh…got-a incinerated?”
Bass was clearly unimpressed, as he reached down and grabbed Wario’s overalls and pulled him in close. “Listen, idiot. You made a big mistake coming here. No one crosses my master, and more importantly me, and leaves alive. Don’t you know who the goddamn hell I AM! I am BASS, the ultimate robot creation of Dr. Wily, the Omega of the Robot Masters, the ultimate machine in the universe! The only one worthy to stand in my way is Mega Man, and very soon he will no longer be a threat. Once I finish this assignment, Master Wily will upgrade me so I can finally destroy Mega Man and reign supreme. So…I want you to leave.”
“Yeah…well guess what? I’ma not afraid-a of you! I’m going to beat-a you, get-a inside that safe-a, and steal the evil energy-a! That way, Peach-a will allow me and my bro to go to-a the Christmas Party!” Wario proclaimed
“If you live long enough to do that, that is. And I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Bass promised.
“Bring it!” Wario roared.
“With pleasure!” Bass answered.
Outside, the storm clouds rolled in to give way to a stampede of rolling thunder. Waluigi, hiding in the bushes, looked up at the castle and clasped his hands together. “Bro, for your sake and mine…I hope you’ll get out of this one-a okay.”
Only one warrior was leaving the castle that day not in a body bag.
“I’ma not a plumber, that’sa that stupido idiota Mario’s jo-WHOA!”
For Bass began swinging Wario around by the arm, faster and faster and faster until Wario was nothing but a rapidly spinning blur, before finally tossing the yellow capped antihero into a nearby metal wall, leaving a massive dent in it. Wario struggled to get to his feet, rubbing his bruised head and cursing under his breath. “Mama mia, thata hurt.” Wario muttered as he turned to face Bass, who was rushing in for another attack. However, this time Wario was ready, as he rushed forward using his infamous Shoulder Charge and smacked Bass midair, sending the black bot careening into the opposite wall and smashing right through it.
Now it was Bass’s turn to struggle off the ground and face his opponent once more. “Hmm…this fool may be more powerful than I initially assumed. He may look fat and pathetic, but he hides a strength potentially greater than even Guts Man. I need to be more careful around him. Still, it’s nothing that I cannot deal with.”
There was still a large amount of smoke covering the hole Bass had created in the wall, preventing the android from seeing what was behind it. When the smoke finally cleared, Wario was there, but not as he once was. No, he had tapped into the power of his ancient and mystical Goodstyle wand, giving him the power of 8 different transformations.
But for right now, he just needed one. So during the confusion, he had switched costumes, donning an astronaut suit and receiving a laser pistol not unlike a certain high flying vulpine. This was Cosmic Wario, and he was ready to send Bass on an out of this world adventure into the pits of hell.
Wario shot a few rapid fire blasts at the stunned Bass, who cleared his mind and proceeded to dodge all of them, before firing his own form of offense right at Wario, that being the Bass Buster. Hundreds of little lemon pellets shot out of Bass’s arm cannon, matching the laser blasts from Wario’s pistol blow for blow…or so it seemed. Bit by bit, the sheer insanity of the fire rate of Bass’s buster slowly began to outmatch the shots from Wario’s pistol, until finally one shot broke through and hit Wario. It didn’t do too much damage, but it stunned Wario long enough for Bass to activate one of his upgrades, that being Stronger Buster. Then he fired at Wario non stop, with the upgrade negating the weakness of the Bass Buster’s shots not being very powerful.
When Bass was finished, Cosmic Wario’s astronaut suit was ripped and torn in several places, and the laser pistol was gone, most likely blown away by the assault from the Bass Buster. Bass walked slowly up to the beaten Wario and kneeled down, a malicious smirk on his metallic features. “Have you had enough yet, pitiful life for-“
Bass was so busy gloating over his victory, he failed to notice Wario subtly pulling out Goodstyle once again and giving it the tiniest of waves, activating the second disguise in its repertoire, that being Genius Wario. Wario was now clad in a standard lab coat akin to that of Bass’s master, along with a pair of googles, a doctor’s headpiece, and a mess of inventions, all designed to bring pain to the one who was so foolish as to get in the way.
Suddenly, Bass was sucker punched in the gut and sent flying away from Wario for miles until he finally touched down and smacked head first into a tree. Unbeknownst to Bass at the time, he had just been schooled by Wario’s Ultra Hand, a boxing glove attached to an extendable pincer to be used for, quote unquote, “smacking people upside the head.”
“Uuurgh…Sunstar above, how many tricks does this piece of shit have!?” Bass ranted.
“It’s quite simple, my arrogant friend.”
Wario appeared from over the hill and faced Bass. “All I did was use my blunt instrument to deal a significant amount of damage to you as an external force hit you, the object at rest, directly, giving you a rather immense amount of Kinetic Energy that increased your velocity in both the horizontal and vertical directions to a ludicrously large amount, allowing you to fly a distance of exactly 15,840 feet before finally ending up at the base of this Quercus tree. Or, to put in terms a simpleton like you would understand…Big Fist cause you go fly and get boo-boo.” Wario stated matter-of-factly.
“What’s going on? A few minutes ago you were dumb as a brick, and now you’re giving me this nerd talk bullshit?” Bass questioned.
“That is the ability of my Goodstyle wand. With the flick of a wrist I have 8 different options to attack you with. Feel inferior yet?” Wario taunted.
Bass wasn’t going to take that lying down, so he got up and switched to one of his special weapons, that being the Lightning Bolt he had…appropriated…from Dynamo Man. “I may not be smart enough to understand all that you just said, but I do know my basic science. And it seems to me you’re wearing quite a large amount of metal. You know what conducts electricity real nice?”
Bass fired a series of Lightning Bolts that hit Wario dead on, as the metallic equipment he was wearing served to amplify the capabilities of the lightning bolts to beyond their normal power. When it was done, Genius Wario was steaming, smoke rising off of him like a pressure cooker, his clothes blackened with soot. The doofy look on Wario’s face lasted only a nanosecond, however, as he shook his head and stumbled forward.
“Impressive, my friend. Despite the diminutive nature of your central processing unit, you have a natural battle instinct that will serve you well. Shame I would have to kill such aspiring talent, but I must not disappoint my comrade in arms.” Wario spoke.
“Oh, you WILL!” Bass promised, firing another Lightning Bolt straight at Wario. This time however, Wario was prepared, as he took Goodstyle out once more and gave it a little flick, transforming into his third mode. This time, Wario wore what appeared to be a blue spandex costume, with a yellow W logo on the front to signify the champion chosen to wield the power. Wreathed in electricity, it was none other than Sparky Wario, master of lightning. As he so aptly demonstrated, reaching his arm into the sky and actually catching the Lightning Bolt in midair. Then, he turned it around so the energy was facing towards Bass, and released, causing the blast to be returned to sender
“Uh Oh.” Bass whimpered, for his weapon unfortunately didn’t give him the resistance to electricity that Sparky Wario did. The beam hit full on, zapping Bass all over due to his body being entirely metallic. However, Bass fought through the pain, for he had endured much worse over the years as he suffered defeat after defeat at the hands of the Blue Bomber. With a primal shout of “RAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!”, the lightning dissipated, and Bass was once again ready to fight, if a bit chipped and charred in places.
“‘Hmm…this’a guy’s pretty tough. Better’a turn on the big guns.'” Wario silently whispered to himself, as he began firing blast of electricity straight at his aggravated adversary. Bass, in turn, switched to another one of his favorite toys, that being the Ice Wall. “Hmph. Thank you, Cold Man. Even in death, you aid the master with all your might. Good job.” With that, Bass raised his arms, and a large wall of solid ice appeared before him, blocking all of Sparky Wario’s shots. With the wall close to breaking, Bass gave it a good, hard push, causing it to slide towards Wario and smack him in the face, sending Wario tumbling backwards into the dirt and staining his costume.
“H-Hey buddy! You-a know how long’a this costume-a took to make! Really long!” Wario complained.
“That’s all well and good. I’ll clean it and wear it like a cape once I kill you. Spoils of war should never go to waste, is that right?” Bass bantered, summoning another ice wall and sending it bowling towards Wario, who dodged out of the way just in time and began firing a midair shower of sparks, all aimed towards Bass. Bass looked deep inside himself and channeled inner reserves of strength he wasn’t aware of before now, charging up his Ice Wall and releasing it to make an impenetrable ice dome around himself that blocked all incoming spark shots. Once the assault had been concluded, Bass created numerous ice spikes from the wall that went out in every direction, hitting Sparky Wario in the shoulder and causing him to lose his concentration and fall to the ground below once again.
With the dome vanishing, Bass attempted to make another wall to hit Wario again, but found that his reserves of energy were depleted. “Heh, no matter. I have plenty of other tools to finish you off, Fatman. So, any last words?”
“DRAGON-A WAAAAA!”
“Well, normally people go with ‘please spare me’, but okay, if you-“
Bass didn’t get to finish, for Wario had activated one of Goodstyle’s most powerful forms, Dragon Wario, dressing Wario up like a dragon.
“Nice Halloween costume, Baby Dragon! What do you expect to accomplish with that!?”
“THIS!”
Before Bass could fire some snarky quip as to what he was referring to, Wario shot a blast of red-orange fire straight at Bass and hit him square in the chest, causing the robot to stagger backwards due to the intensity of the fire now enveloping his entire being. But Bass was too powerful to be defeated with an ordinary fire blast, and so he simply swept his arms around him in a theatrical gesture and made the flames dissipate. “Well, Wario, if this is honestly all you have to face me, you might as well just turn around and head back to your princess like the failure that you are. You will NEVER, EVER get the energy from my master!” Bass yelled.
“We’lla see about that-a, friend!” Wario retorted, blasting a triple shot of fireballs straight at Bass once again.
“What car-”
“Don’t ruin the moment! Wave Burner allows me to gain a new flamethrower, which cancels out any fire you were gonna send my way. So eat this!” Bass roared, as he released a white hot jet of flame that moved up and down like…well, a wave. The flames were so potent, that as soon as Dragon Wario’s fire touched it, it was incinerated. “That’s not-a gonna stop me, Metal-a Menace! As that guy with-a the lightbulb said a bazillion years-a ago, If-a ya don’t succeed, try-a try-a again!” Wario said, attempting to dazzle with Bass with his use of allusions and yet failing to impress. He continued to shoot fireballs at Bass, who countered all of them with his Wave Burner. Fire fought with fire, and it seemed to be a stalemate. That is, until Wario turned up the heat, quite literally, and shot out blue fireballs at a rapid pace. Bass smirked, expecting the fireballs to meet the same fate, but instead they overpowered Bass’s Wave Burner and cut a path right through, smacking into Bass for some major damage and stunning him long enough for Wario to continue pelting Bass with fireballs.
When the dust settled, however, Bass was still there, looking no worse for wear. “But…uh, how? That-a shoulda destroyed ya!?” Wario said, confused as to why he wasn’t staring at a smoldering pile of robot parts.
“It’s quite simple. I used Super Armor and negated all your damage. Actually, that’s not true, it’s more reducing. But your attack was so pathetic that reducing it was basically the same as cancelling it out. Do you have any more tricks, or are you done?” Bass asked, seeming more bored than anything.
“Not even-a close, buddy!” Wario countered, shooting more blue fireballs at Bass, who didn’t even make an attempt to dodge them, and yet emerged unscathed due to his super armor. Then he just laughed and laughed at Wario and his pathetic fireballs, before inching ever closer.
“Hmm, I’ve’a still got a few tricks left!” Wario then pulled out Goodstyle once again and waved it around, changing costumes again.
“Ugh, another one!? How many of these damn powers do ya have, you stupid midget?” Bass said, getting the slightest bit ticked off as Wario changed again, this time donning a devil costume. This was Wicked Wario, a master of the skies. He spread his devil wings and took off into the air, hovering high above the battlefield.
“Ahahahaha! Ya can’ta get me up-a here, loser!” Wario taunted.
“There’s nothing I can’t do, you bloated buffoon!” Bass retorted, as he activated the jump jets in his feet, allowing him to double jump into the air and tag Wario, grabbing his foot and pulling him down to the ground before smashing him into the pavement, giving the greedy gastro-intestinal grouch a good old fashioned bloody nose and broken tooth combo.
Spitting out his teeth, Wario turned to face Bass. “Is’a that all ya got!? My Grandma Wa beats me up-a twice as hard!” Then he took off once again and began dive-bombing Bass at speeds the robot just couldn’t hope to keep up with. Every dive bomb was succeeded by another one, with Wario attacking Bass over and over again and not giving him any second to rest. Eventually, Bass got fed up. “ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW!” Bass bellowed, swapping to his next weapon, the Remote Mine. He raised his arm and fired off about 8 Remote Mines at once, and commanded them to attach to the dive-bombing devil man.
“Waa!?” Wario exclaimed, confused.
“You know how they put remote bombs on planes to make ’em crash? Imagine it on a slower, smaller, and gassier target!” Bass explained, as the bombs all self destructed at once and created an explosion large enough to eclipse the entire park they happened to be fighting in, and sent Wario falling back to the ground once again as his clothes burned up in a blazing maelstrom. When Wario got up, Bass was greeted by a scene I’d rather not show you.
“Aw…put some clothes on, you disgusting meatbag!” Bass complained, shielding his eyes so he didn’t have to stare at the horror that was Wario’s buck naked…regions.
“WAAAAAA!” Wario cried, as he took off his shoe and threw it at Bass, hitting him in the faceplate.
“Did…did you just throw a shoe at me? Who does that? And why does it reek so much?! Ever head of a shower, fatso?” Bass mockingly said to no one, as Wario had already retreated into the nearby ocean.
“Hey, get back here! THIS ISN’T OVER UNTIL I SAY SO!” Bass screamed, dashing as fast as he could and double jumping into the water, where he touched down on the ocean floor.
“Now…glub glub, where is glub, that worthless human, glub?” Bass wondered, forced to take breaths in order to remain underwater.
Suddenly, Bass was hit in the back by an explosive torpedo, creating an underwater explosion that sent all the nearby sea creatures scuttling for their burrows. “What the…?” Bass questioned in confusion as he turned around, only to be face to face with another torpedo that hit him right in the kisser and exploded again. The coral parted to reveal a new Wario form, that being Captain Wario, a master of the underwater fighting arts. Equipped with a submarine and pirate gear, he gracefully glided through the water, while Bass was forced to jump incredibly slowly due to the water hindering his movement. Every time he jumped, he was bombarded by torpedoes and rammed into by the submarine, causing Wily’s creation to take enormous amounts of damage. Sparks began to appear from cuts in a dozen different places, and Bass could feel his supply of Bassnium, previously thought limitless, was starting to drain.
As Wario was closing in for another attack, Bass turned around and aimed his gun at Wario. Activating the Energy Saver device to lessen the cost of using his powers, he switched to the Lightning Bolt one more time, and jumped as high as he could to breach the surface of the water. Once he was 10 feet above the surface, he yelled “RAIGEKI!”, unleashing a storm of bolts that electrified the water and everything in it, including Wario himself, who began jerking and contorting as his skeleton was revealed within like an X-Ray machine, until he finally blasted out of the water and back on to the beach, charred and blackened from the horrendous beating he had received.
Bass, meanwhile, switched to his next weapon, the Spread Drill, and cocked it at the unconscious Wario. After his last experience, he wasn’t going to let his guard down any time soon. “Say good night, human.” Bass was ready to fire, when all of a sudden Wario disappeared.
“B-But that’s impossible, he was right here! Where did he go?” Bass asked to the universe. Unfortunately, he got his answer, as Wario blitzed him with a punch faster than Bass could track. Bass aimed his spread drill where he had gotten hit and fired, but he ended up just hitting air. Wario punched him again and then disappeared, repeating the process over and over again, while Bass couldn’t even land one shot on Wario due to the latter’s immense speed gain.
Bass realized the attacks weren’t doing too much damage to him, so he switched to his Damage Absorber and dropped to his knees to meditate, letting Wario hit him in order to recover energy for his Spread Drill, Lightning Bolt, Wave Burner, Remote Mine and Ice Wall. All the damage began to slowly take its toll on Bass, however, as his body became more cracked and chipped, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath.
But this was all part of Bass’s plan, for he now activated his Counter Attack skill, increasing his power immensely since he was on the brink of destruction.
“Bad news for you, Wario! I’ve figured out a way to hit you even with your speed!” Bass taunted.
“Impossible! No one can catch…the PURPLE WIND!” Wario chanted.
“Who said anything about catching you? No, I’m gonna double the trouble, quite literally, in order to shoot you dead!” As he said these words, Bass switched to another weapon, the Copy Vision taken from the corpse of Astro Man, and used the power of the Shadow Clone to create a hologram of himself that stood back to back with the original. They nodded to each other, and then yelled “TAKE THIS!” simultaneously, shooting outward while spinning in a circle in order to create a laser barrier vortex. No matter how fast Wario ran, he couldn’t evade all these shots at once, and inevitably he was hit by one of the Copy Bass’s shots, causing him to stagger and fall, leaving him easy prey for even more shots to pepper Wario’s skin and give him burns all over. Unfortunately for Bass, it was at this time that his Copy Vision timer ran out, and the copy disappeared. Wario took advantage of this and turned into his last form with Goodstyle, that being Arty Wario. Dressed in a painter’s beret and smock, he stood at his easel, ready to draw.
“So, you gonna paint your death scene or something? How cute.” Bass mocked, dashing in for the final assault, but Wario wasn’t finished. He painted a series of blocks that formed a wall stretching miles in every direction, up, down and both sides.
“So what, you think making a wall will stop me? Think again!” Bass roared, equipping his Magic Card and firing. The power of the card allowed it to fly straight through Arty Wario’s homemade wall and snag Goodstyle from Wario’s person, bringing it straight to Bass’s hand. And with that, he destroyed it once and for all, leaving the broken pieces on the ground. Without Goodstyle, Arty Wario returned back to normal, and the wall disappeared.
“Well, you farting fool, looks like you’re out of tricks. NOW DIE!” Bass yelled maniacally, with a look in his eye that was beyond all reason.
“Speaking of-a farting, that’s-a one of ma tricks!” Wario smirked, pulling his finger and releasing a cloud of toxic gas in the form of a mushroom cloud that even Dr. Wily could see from his window.
“Oh, fuck, that’s nasty!” Bass exclaimed, waving his hand in front of his olfactory receptors in order to relieve them of the awful smell, but while he was distracted, he was left vulnerable to one of Wario’s Shoulder Bashes, sending him flying into a nearby dead tree.
“You may-a think I’ma outta tricks…but you’d-a be DEAD WRONG!” Wario exclaimed, laughing maniacally and pulling out his next trick, that being a little pot. When he put it on his head, it transformed into a jet engine, turning Wario into Jet Wario. He rose into the air and began dive bombing Bass yet again, much like he had done with the Wicked Wario costume. However, this time Bass was prepared for it, and fired an Air Shooter, creating a Tornado that slowly traveled upward. While it was rising, Bass hopped in, riding the wind current up into the sky until he was level with Jet Wario. At that point, he switched to another weapon, the Tengu Blade he’d gotten for beating the avian master Tengu Man. With the blade, he clashed against Jet Wario over and over, twisting in the tornado to get a better view of Jet Wario after every clash. This went for a good while until Bass finally got in a good shot and sliced off the engines on Jet Wario’s head, sending the fumbling fatman down to the ground, but not before he grabbed Bass’s ankle and dragged him down as well, sending them both crashing into the dirt.
Bass couldn’t even rise to his feet before he was already assailed by the power of Bull Wario, charging straight into Bass and goring him in the side. Raising Bass above his head with his horns, he flailed the helpless robot around in the air before flinging him skyward, then jumping high up above Bass and axe kicking him back down into the ground. Stunned, Bass could do nothing except watch as Wario ground pounded down on the metallic marauder with all his might, dealing so much damage that Bass’s chest plate began to fall apart, exposing the fragile core within. Then Wario jumped back into the air, ready to slam back down and end Bass.
However, Bass cocked his gun once again and equipped the power of the Thunder Beam, launching an arcing bolt of electricity straight at Wario as he was falling and intercepting the treasure hunter mid pound, redirecting his course so he flew backwards and landed on the dirt, his bull horns singed.
Bass slowly rose to his feet and remembered the time Shadow had told him about his experience in Honnouji, and how he had used time stopping powers in order to beat his opponent. “Hmph. So, you black bitch-ass rodent, you think you can one-up ME! BASS! THE MOST POWERFUL ROBOT IN THE WORLD!? THINK AGAIN!” Bass yelled into the sky, equipping his Time Bomb and activating it.
“Kono kōka wa tankikan dake jizoku suru kamo shiremasenga, sore wa anata o shiageru tame ni hitsuyōna subetedesu. Ima, watashi wa kurasshubonbā o sōbi shite imasu. Watashi wa anata o owara seru tame ni sore o shiyō shimasu!”
Wario couldn’t process what was going on, but Bass had just stopped time, and was now firing off all 7 of his Crash Bomber shots straight at Wario, who could do nothing but helplessly observe as they ticked down to the greedy gremlin’s ultimate destruction.
“U ̄ n… Sayōnara, meiwaku.”
All the Crash Bombs exploded at once, sending Wario flying miles into the air, where he stayed for a good long while before finally tumbling back down to the ground…right into Bass’s set Napalm Bombs, which exploded and sent Wario flying up into the sky again like a bouncing ball.
And Bass still wasn’t done, as he activated yet another Time Bomb and stopped time again, this time busting out his Freeze Cracker.
The sound made as Bass fired all 28 of them straight into Wario’s fat gut was something akin to:
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BAAAAAAANG!
At this point Wario was nothing more than a falling ice sculpture, which Bass almost let reach the ground, but just before Wario touched down, Bass activated the Time Bomb yet again, this time switching to his Ice Wall in order to then switch to his Noise Crush. He fired Noise Crush at the wall, rebounding it back into Bass, which he then fired at Wario, giving him momentum in the sideways direction. He repeated this tactic again and again, firing Noise Crush into the Ice Wall, and then firing it at Wario, making sure to replace the Ice Wall with a new one. Every Noise Crush shot gave a sound akin to
SCREEEEEEE!
As if the soul of its dead owner, Shade Man, was still lingering within the attack itself. Finally, when Bass was all out of Noise Crush ammo, he sent the Ice Wall he had left flying into Wario’s body and it broke, dealing even more damage. When the Time Stop ended, Wario was bombarded by all the damage from all the Noise Crushes he had taken it, leaving a thousand scratches that all had blood gushing out in a ceaseless tide, before the momentum finally sent him flying miles away into the nearby desert, as Bass used his High Speed Dash ability to follow him as quick as lightning.
He reached the place where he knew Wario would land, and gazed in the sky to the west, where the sky glowed blood red as the sun set. But there, as a little speck of black on the horizon, was none other than Wario, the Purple Wind, falling down towards Bass. When he was about 50 feet off the ground, Bass trained his gun on Wario and fired his last Time Bomb, freezing the world once again. Then, he switched to his next armament, that being the powerful Triple Blade.
He fired the Triple Blade over and over at the falling Wario, slashing into his clothes and drawing even more blood than was already there, until Wario was nothing more than a sac covered in blood, and Bass was out of Triple Blades. Then he switched to yet another weapon, that being the ultimate Super Arm. He used it to pick up a large section of the ground and held it above his head. Then he switched to the Atomic Fire, and using only one hand, coated the rock in flames. Finally, he switched to the Junk Shield and commanded it to surround the rock. At this point, he threw his titanic amalgamation of weaponry at the falling mass that used to be Wario, and when the two collided, the rock exploded, hitting Wario with a mixture of flaming shrapnel and burning junk that torched his skin.
Wario landed face first on the ground, seemingly dead. Bass walked up to him and poked his gun at Wario’s behind. Not even a twitch. Satisfied at his handiwork, Bass turned around to head back to the lab, only to be sucker punched from behind and sent sprawling on to the ground.
“But…but that’s fucking impossible! HE’S DEAD!” Bass said, shocked.
“If only it’a were that simple-a, bitch!” Wario trash talked, chuckling all the way.
“How did you survive that?” Bass demanded.
“I didn’t-a take any damage. Before your first-a time bullshit went-a off, I-a activated my Balloon Suit. Normally it’s-a used to boost my power output to finish-a baddies like-a you off, but it also made-a for a pretty decent shield from all your-a attacks. The only-a downside is-a I don’t have it-a anymore.”
“Well good! Now I can finish you off that much easier.”
“I’ma not so sure about-a that!” Wario replied.
“Alright, I’ll bite. Why not?”
“Just look. You-a used up so-a many of your-a weapons, you a don’t have the capability to-a beat me. Especially when you see how many-a tricks I still got.”
“BRING EM’ ON, ASSHOLE!”
“CONSIDER THEM BROUGHT-A, BITCH!”
Wario’s body slowly began enveloping itself in fire, until he was a giant fireball.
“What’s…happening?!” Bass demanded.
“When-a you hit me with all those attacks…I absorbed-a them. Now I have new powers…powers I will use to defeat you!”
With that, Flaming Wario rushed towards Bass, dodging all of the Bass Buster shots that were aimed towards him, and touched Bass, causing Bass, too, to be set on fire. “Owwww…shit!” Bass cursed, as he began running around in a circle like an idiot along with Wario, until they finally sat on the ground and rubbed their flaming behinds on the dirt in order to put it out.
“So maybe that was a little too hot…so let’s cool it down, shall we?” Wario proposed, engulfing his own body in a giant snowball to become Snowman Wario, who began chasing after Bass. Wisely learning his lesson, Bass chose to run away as fast as he could from the rapidly approaching Wario, until Bass began running down a hill.
BIG MISTAKE.
Wario went with the flow, rolling down the hill. As he rolled, he picked up more and more dirt and dust and grass, increasing the size of his snowball until he was essentially a 30 foot wide dirty ball rolling towards the robot. Bass tried to turn around and aim a weapon at the ball to stop it, but he was too late and was crushed by the ball, becoming part of it.
Within the snowball, both Bass and Wario began to tussle with each other, punching and kicking and scratching and even biting in Wario’s case, until they finally stopped rolling when they crashed into a nearby cactus, sending both sprawling onto the ground, rubbing their bodies to relieve themselves of the pain of the spikes now attached to them.
“Enough games! Take THIS!” Bass yelled, frustrated, as he jumped into the air and aimed downward, equipping his Magnet Missile and firing a triad of magnet shaped projectiles down onto Wario’s head. The immense pressure exerted onto Wario by the magnetic field of the magnets as well as their weight caused Wario to be flattened into the dirt, making a Wario pancake.
But this wouldn’t deter Wario for long, for as Bass was falling down to plan his next move, Wario sprang up in his Spring Wario(not Mario) form, hitting Bass with a powerful uppercut that sent the bot flying high into the sky once more. Wario kept on bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, going a little higher each time as he waited for Bass to come back down.
When he did he gave Bass yet another haymaker that sent him flying to the east. Wario felt his transformation beginning to end, and so he channeled all of his remaining energy into one final bounce that allowed Wario to meet Bass all the way, as he spun around in midair to use his Corkscrew maneuver to slam into Bass head on and make him recoil, then grabbed his feet and began spinning Bass around at inhuman speeds using the Wild Swing-Ding technique, spinning Bass a total of 23 times causing Bass to upchuck oil from the strain, before finally tossing the poor robot into the ground. Bass happened to bounce back up however, and Wario took advantage of this by grabbing Bass again and spinning him around in midair as they fell towards the ground, and finished by slamming Bass’s head into the dirt using his Pile-Driver skill.
Bass struggled to get up, only to be face to butt with Wario’s deadliest weapon.
“Oh, no, not aga-“
Another fart with the power of a nuclear bomb was set off right in Bass’s face, with Wario rocketing away using the momentum in order to escape a possible counterattack. Bass, meanwhile, struggled to get up, and found himself dizzy and disoriented, his movement being inverted due to his brain still being under the effects of the toxic fumes. However, somehow Bass managed to orient himself enough to call out “SCORCH WHEEL!“
However, when he fired, the only thing that came out was a slow moving bubble that travelled along the ground, which Wario easily jumped over.
“Bubble Lead, of course.” Bass said, not at all surprised. It was at this point that Bass’s head was finally relieved of the noxious gas, and this time he actually switched to the Scorch Wheel and surrounded himself with fire, which was convenient as Wario was rushing in for another attack and happened to get burned by the wheel, which Bass then sent after Wario when the brutish brawler turned his back, burning Wario’s behind even more and causing Wario to have to stop, drop and roll to relieve the pain.
“Ah, what the hell. Bubble Lead, you get a second chance.” Bass said, shooting Wario with the Bubble Lead and encasing him in a bubble, turning Wario into Bubble Wario, causing him to float upward before Base calmly shot him out of the sky with the Thunder Wool, zapping Wario in the process and causing him to fall several meters before he collapsed face first in the dirt.
When he woke up, Wario began stumbling around, confused, due to the sulfuric nature of the Bubble Lead. Wario was now Crazy Wario, master of the Drunken Fist. Bass attempted to shoot Wario with the Thunder Wool again, but Wario dodged to the side just in time. So Bass switched to the Chill Spike and threw it behind Wario, then used the Power Stone to send a stone hand shooting across the ground until it was just a few inches away from Mario, before raising two of its fingers into an o shape and flicking Wario on the chest, causing him to fall presumably into the spikes behind him. Yet somehow due to Wario’s luck, he was able to use his hands to form an arch, his back just barely missing the spikes below as he formed a bridge over it, before flipping over and landing on his stomach right next to the Chill Spike.
Bass was about to use the Power Stone again to entomb Wario under the earth, but Wario sat up and breathed a noxious cloud of gas right at Bass’s face, disorienting the murderous machine and causing him to fire his Power Stone into the air directly above him. Unfortunately, he was too dazed to avoid the Power Stone falling back down onto his head, and so he was crushed under its immense weight.
It was at this moment that Wario finally managed to clear his head and gazed over at where Bass was lying on the ground. “Aw, yeah-a baby! WAAAARIO’S GONNNA WIIIIIIIN!”
Wario reached into his pocket and pulled out some candy, which he began gorging himself on by the handful. Tons and tons of sweets, chocolates and confectionaries entered Wario’s gullet, and they began to take effect. Somehow, Wario grew even more fat, his clothes threatening to burst at the seams due to their size no longer being able to accompany the new fatsona inhabiting them. When it was done, Wario had turned into Fat Wario! Fat Wario jumped into the air, and even though he didn’t go very high, that was not his end goal. Wario’s fall shook the ground so hard that Bass shot up into the air, allowing Wario to run underneath him as fast as his little legs could carry him, and once he was in position, he aimed his mouth towards the sky and unleashed his Hyper Chomp.
Bass slowly found himself being sucked into Wario’s chompers, but he could do absolutely nothing but observe as he entered head first. Wario began biting down forcefully on Bass’s chassis, not letting up in the slightest, each bite damaging Bass’s deteriorating frame more and more and more, until he finally released the refuse and sat back to admire his efforts. Bite marks could be seen all over Bass’s body, and oil was flowing on to the ground, staining it as black as the night sky.
“Wahahaha, you suck!” Wario mocked, laughing so hard he fell on the ground and his sides hurt. Bass, however, was not amused. “Oh, you like to laugh, huh? Well, let’s see you LAUGH AT THIS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GROUND SCARAVICH SHIT!”
Panting heavily, Bass swapped to yet another of the weapons in his toolset, that being the mighty Wheel Cutter. He chucked one at the still chuckling Wario, and it created a rather large gash on his shirtfront, releasing large amounts of his own blood.
“Owowowo! That-a HURT!” Wario whimpered.
“It’s only gonna get worse for you, crap sack.”
Bass chucked more and more Wheel Cutters at Wario, all 28 of them, in a straight line of serrated, sharpened sawblades all snaking their way up Wario’s back and sides. Even his crotch wasn’t safe, and this time Wario had no balloon suit to protect him. When it was done, Wario was bleeding just as badly as Bass, if not more so, and red and black conjoined on the ground in a deadly union.
“Please-a tell me you’re-a done, friend!?” Wario pleaded.
“…Yes and No. It’s true I’m out of Wheel Cutter Ammo, but I’ve got plenty of other weapons for you, so stand back and behold the power of my Rebound Striker!”
Bass fired a small baseball shaped projectile straight at Wario. “Hehehehehe…is this-a all you-a got!? Buddy, I’ma pro at Sports. Mario Strikers Charged sold more copies than your-a stupid Power Fighters games, and there’s-a reason for-a that! Now-a watch!” At that point Wario jumped into the air and began glowing with a yellow aura, and his hands were coated in electricity.
“What the fuck is-ah never mind, I’m used to it.” Bass said, resigned to his fate of having to deal with this weird human specimen for a while longer.
Once Wario had electrified his hands, he coated the ball with electricity, and then used his massive stomach to belly gong the ball and mark it return to sender. Bass, however, simply hit the ball with his hands and sent it right back. And so a deadly game of energy ball tennis began, with both rebounding the ball back with their belly and hands as it gradually grew faster and faster each time, until Wario had finally had enough.
“It’s-a time for my finishing-a move, so watch-a out! MEGA STRIKE: SWELLED UP WARIO TIME!”
“‘Swelled up what?'” Bass wondered to himself.
He didn’t have to wait long to find an answer, for what he saw was honestly something he wished he hadn’t. Wario began swelling his body up like a balloon, his lungs working over time to puff his body with air until Wario was about the size of a small hot air balloon. At that point, he cupped his mouth and with the force of a hurricane, blew on the ball. The air pressure was so great the Rebound Striker split into six pieces of shrapnel, all flying at inhuman speeds.
Bass couldn’t dodge it, so he was forced to take the brunt of his own attack, as he was bombarded with energy and striker bits. “You-a had enough, roboto, or-a do you want-a more?” Wario questioned, sitting in a meditative pose.
“LIKE HELL I’M DONE!” Bass uttered in a primal shout, as he switched to yet another weapon.
“Whuh? You-a got ANOTHER one!? C’mon, I’ma gonna be a Grandpa Wario by-a the time you’re a done!”
“I’ll stay here until the end of time if it means stomping the bloody mess that used to be your head into the ground!” Bass roared gutturally, getting the tiniest bit desperate as he fired his devastating Rolling Cutter, attempting to cut Wario once again. As soon as the first Rolling Cutter hit Wario, however, it stung him, causing the fat fighter to transform into a new form, that being Puffy Wario, his face swelling to the size of a Goodyear blimp. Because of this new power, Wario floated up high into the air, to distances unreachable by Bass’ Rolling Cutter.
“ASSHOLE! Get down here so we can finish this!” Bass shouted at the sky, only to be surprised when Wario did indeed come down…right on his face. Wario bounced off the startled sentry’s faceplate and soared into the sky once again before making a U-turn and plopping back down into his Bass-crushing position. This continued for awhile, with Wario bouncing on Bass’s face and Bass never getting the clear shot he needed in order to stop the bouncing buffoon.
“Well…I guess there’s always this…?” Bass thought, switching to yet another tool of destruction, that being the Leaf Shield. At that moment, a set of four green, metallic leaves began rotating around Bass, acting as a layer of protection from Wario’s ferocious assault.
Unfortunately for Wario, he was just making his roundtrip when Bass activated the shield. “NONONONONONONONONO!” Wario protested, attempting to stop and reverse directions, but he was already carrying too much momentum to stop himself from touching the leaves face-first, popping just like a balloon. And yet the leaves somehow had a different effect than Bass expected. Normally they were supposed to heavily damage the opponent, but something was happening to Wario. His skin was slowly turning the color of bark, his hair erupted into clusters of green leaves, and his legs and torso slowly began to morph together, as Wario underwent some type of metamorphosis.
And whatever it was, Bass didn’t like it one bit.
“GREEN THUMB!” Wario bellowed, as his transformation was complete. Now, standing before Bass was…a tree. But a tree with the most grotesque face you would ever see in your life. This was Tree Wario, ready to deliver an natural knockout to anyone who disturbed his forest…
Tree Wario now stood facing Bass, a sneer plastered onto his bark as he belted out a hearty laugh of “WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WAAHRIO NUMBAH ONE!”All the while, Bass just stood there, mouth agape as he witnessed the absolutely mad events that had unfolded. “A…A tree? You’re fighting one of the most advanced and superior robots you’ll ever see, and you choose to fight me with…a tree.”
Wario chose not to respond and instead began shedding his “fruit”, which was actually whole cloves of smelly garlic. With a mighty “WAAAAAH!” he began pelting Bass with the garlic, forcing Dr. Wily’s magnum opus to recoil, his eyes watering from the awful smell.
“Sweet Asimov above! I got two words for you: breath mint. Oh…oh my god it’s so bad.” Bass whined, before he shook his head and cleared his thoughts. Turning to face Wario, he gave a smirk.
“So you’ve turned into a tree, big whoop. Haven’t you realized the tools to destroy nature have already been given to robotkind? As soon as I reduce your roots to rubble, you will be finished. Then my task for the doctor will be complete!”
“Then-a why don’t-a you give it a try-a, ravioli-a brains!?” Wario taunted, before blowing Bass a dirt-encrusted raspberry with his tongue.
Absolutely livid, Bass switched to his Tengu Blade and began slicing away at Tree Wario. But no matter how hard he swung or how many projectiles he created, Bass couldn’t penetrate Wario’s branch defenses to get at the trunk. With every branch he destroyed, another one took its place to scratch away at Bass’s paintjob, revealing his shiny metallic exoskeleton beneath.
“WAAAHAHAHA! That’s-a what happens when-a you don’t celebrate-a Arbor Day, chump!” Wario taunted as Bass’s Tengu Blades dissipated in the air.
“Alright, that’s it! The first few times that was funny, but now it’s just goddamn annoying! And you know what I do to annoyances!? BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!!” Bass screamed as he switched to his Atomic Fire, charged it up, and then blasted a heat shot as hot as the sun right at Wario’s ugly mug. The tree raised its leaves to protect itself, but not even Wario’s nigh-impenetable bark could fully protect him from the intensity of Bass’s flames, and when the attack was done Wario was left wide open, his branches having burned to dust.
“Let’s end this.” Bass grumbled, as he prepared another shot of Atomic Fire. Unfortunately, using a full charged shot had wasted all of its ammo, forcing Bass to cycle through his arsenal while he cursed Wily under his breath.
While Bass was distracted, Wario very quietly switched out of his tree form and dug underground, closing the hole he made behind him and covering his tracks.
At last, Bass switched to his Napalm Bomb and took aim at where he last saw Tree Wario, only to find nothing but the vast desert expanse staring him right in the face. A look of anger etched itself onto Bass’s features as he pounded the ground in frustration, before glancing around to try and find where his unseen foe was seeking refuge.
Unbeknownst to the robot, Wario was busy digging through the desert sand, trying to get to where he knew would be his salvation and best chance of finishing Bass off. All of a sudden, however, he heard rapid footfalls going THUMP THUMP THUMP right above his head, causing dirt to rain down in small chunks as Bass had finally tracked down Wario’s location using the Noise Crush as echolocation.
Taking aim at the ground, Bass fired multiple rounds of his Commando Bomb, which exploded and released shockwaves underground that steadily collapsed the tunnel on top of Wario, forcing him to maneuver carefully around the dead-ends. Inadvertently, though, Bass was weakening the stability of the ground beneath him. And though Wario wasn’t a genius, even he could understand and formulate a plan.
With newfound vigor, Wario stopped digging forward and instead began digging in a wide circle. Bass, not missing a beat, continued to shoot Commando Bombs in a circle around himself, too focused on killing Wario to recognize the real threat. It was only when Wario was 3/4 of the way done with his circle that Bass finally took notice of the fact that he was digging his own grave.
“Ah, shi-“
Before he could finish, the ground around the robot warrior collapsed, as Wario resurfaced and admired his handiwork.
“WAHA! So long-a, Bass!” Wario chuckled as he turned and raced on his stubby legs towards the nearby airstrip, Bass still struggling to escape the mound of dirt as he yelled curses at Wario’s behind.
Upon at last reaching the airfield, Wario saw his beloved Bull Dog airplane resting inside, but the door had been locked by something. Undeterred, Wario blasted a spray of acidic boogers out of his nose and melted the lock off, before simply punching down the door with enough force to shake the warehouse itself.
“WAHAAAAA!” Wario cheered, rubbing his hands together evilly as he put on his faithful pilot’s goggles and strapped into the cockpit, starting his plane and accidentally blasting through the roof in the process.
“Oh, uh…sorrry!” Wario yelled back, albeit rather halfheartedly, as he flew back to where he remembered Bass was stuck.
However, Bass had finally figured out a solution to his conundrum. Using his powerful Air Shooter, Bass fired multiple miniature tornadoes that not only sucked up all the dirt to allow Bass to escape, but also created a series of very destructive danmaku tornadoes, which hovered by the robot’s side and prepared to fire.
Over the horizon, Bass spotted Wario’s Bull Dog. “I’ve got you, slippery bastard!” Bass roared, as he shot an earthen tornado at Wario’s face.
“Wuh Oh.” Wario responded, as he very carefully aileron rolled to the side in order to avoid the projectile, before firing his machine gun. Except the bullets were actually large metal buckets, which slammed into Bass’s side with a loud, metallic CLANG.
“Buckets? Eh, why question it at this point.” Bass muttered, resigned to his fate of dealing with Wario’s antics as he continued to fire Air Shooter at Wario, who continued to dodge all of Bass’s shots while firing more buckets, which Bass was also able to deflect by using his Power Stone as a shield.
Finally, however, Bass broke the stalemate when one of his Power Stone shot refuse actually hit Wario’s Bull Dog head-on, sending the plane careening onto its side as Wario struggled to right himself in time. “Oh NOOOOO!!” Wario shouted as his plane was heading towards a nearby mountain, Bass yelling “Bon Voyage!”
“EY! That’s-a my line-a, punk!” Wario countered, as he reached his arms out and grabbed the sides of his beloved plane. A tear shedding from his eye, he jumped out, turned towards Bass, and swung the plane around faster and faster, until it was no more than blur, before throwing it hammer-style at Bass.
Despite the robot’s reflexes being beyond lightspeed, even he couldn’t dodge an attack of this magnitude, and was thus engulfed in a massive explosion that generated a mushroom cloud bigger than even Wily’s Skull Castle.
However, Wario was still falling to his doom. Luckily, the portly plumber-to-be had thought ahead, and brought out his Mega Mushroom. Upon swallowing it, Wario suddenly gained massive size, becoming so tall that he dwarfed the mountain he was about to crash into. But Wario wasn’t done, for he also took out a tiny red-petaled flower and chomped down hard. At once, his body took on a chrome sheen and he fell toward the ground at an incredible rate, smashing into the dust and leaving an enormous crater behind.
Wario had now become Mega Metal Wario!
“That’s-a right! I’m-a bad!” Wario grandstanded, with even his voice taking on a metallic filter as a result of his transformation. “No one can-a beat me-a now! Not even you, robot-a!”
At least, that’s what Bass thought Wario said. It was hard to hear, buried under two tons of flaming rubble, having your head basically destroyed. He couldn’t move, but he could whistle. A low, soft whistle that echoed across the wastes, somehow all the way back to Skull Castle thanks to the augmentation of the Noise Crush. Upon hearing the whistle, Treble stood up and barked loudly, before racing out the door and across the desert at lightning speeds, reaching Bass’s destroyed body in a matter of seconds.
Crawling into the pit, Treble took a few moments to lick at Bass’s face, making the normally arrogant and battle-hardened war machine smile.
“Treble…” Bass said weakly, “It’s time.”
The dog nodded, and began to glow. With a purple flash, the robotic canine merged together with Bass, unlocking a great new power…
Suddenly, the rubble of the Bull Dog erupted and scattered across the wastes. And where they once stood was Bass, but changed. He had traded his orange stripes for a dark purple, and had sprouted matching wings, which he used to hover over the desert. He glowed with a new power, one Wario was unsure he could take on.
Super Bass had come to enact his revenge.
“WARIO! Your games…end here!”
“WAHAHAHAHA! No-a way, I’m-a gonna win! So get-a ready, cuz here comes-a WAAAAAALOGY for-a your funeral! Roses are-a red, garlic is-a white, you’ll-a be dead, and then I go take a bite!”
“We’ll see…”
As Bass took a moment to clap at his own success, Wario took the opportunity to kick out with his leg, slamming into Bass with enough force to send the robot into a mountain, destroying it entirely in the process. Groggy, Wario sat up, turned around, and let loose a giant stinker, which was…also made of metal somehow, and formed into a fist.
The metal fart fist slammed into Bass and erupted in a metallic smokescreen, with Bass being shot out of the sky and forced to make an emergency landing in the sand as Wario laughed at the robot’s misfortune.
Angered at being made a joke of, Bass took to the skies once more and began a furious punching session on Wario’s bulbous nose, hitting it left, right, and center over and over again as Wario couldn’t raise his arms to defend himself, before Bass switched over to his Solar Blaze and fired a couple spread shots of fire. When they hit Wario, they made some parts of his body melt a bit, as Wario stared in disbelief.
“WAHUH?!” Wario gasped as he staggered backwards, giving Bass enough time to deliver a powerful axe kick right to Wario’s gut, sending the titanic Toadstoolian high into the air.
“How-a you like that, loser!?” Wario taunted, as he laughed at the misfortune of his opponent, who was forced to sniff all of Wario’s horrendous metallic fumes as they corroded Bass’s skin.
“Get…offa…ME…DUMBASS!” Bass roared as he grabbed onto Wario’s posterior and, with the strength of Hercules, picked up and tossed Wario!
Startled, Wario attempted to repeat his butt-gong trick again, but it was at that moment when the Metal Cap’s power ran out and Wario turned back into his normal form.
“Ah, that’s okay. I’m-a still supa bi-“
And then the Mega Mushroom expired as well, reverting Wario back to his usual size.
“Ah, pastrami!”
And with that, Bass jumped to his feet and slid across the desert at blinding speeds, grabbing onto Wario’s collar before the fat plumber could process what was happening. Lifting Wario into the air, Bass fixed him with an angry gaze and cocked his buster so that it was pointed directly at Wario’s cheeky face.
“Any last words before I wear your skull as a helmet?” Bass threatened.
“Okay, first of all: that’s-a real gross. And this is-a coming from ME! And-a second…you’re not-a the only-a one with a fancy suit, ya know!”
Confused, Bass lowered his gun for just a second. Fortunately, a second was all Wario needed to raise his fingers to his lips and whistle a command of his own:
When the transformation was complete, Wario stepped out of the light and revealed his all new Power Suit, straining to contain the yellow-capped Italian’s hulking frame.
“Now we got a REAL party-a, no?” Wario questioned, cocking his own arm cannon at Bass.
Bass looked surprised, but it quickly faded. “You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But right now, it’s more like the sincerest form of ripping me off. And you have no idea how much that pisses me off. I AM THE ORIGINAL, THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, THE ROBOT OVERLORD!”
“Jeez…you-a need to loosen up. Maybe get a hobby? I can sell you one of-a my games if you-a want-”
“SHUT UP!” Bass interjected, slamming his fist into Wario’s face…
…at least, he would have if Wario hadn’t blocked his punch. With his immense strength, Wario lifted not only Bass’s arm, but his whole body into the air, before slamming the robot onto the ground with immeasurable force.
Bass groaned as he attempted to stand up, but Wario wasn’t quite done. Taking his hand of Bass’s arm, he instead grasped his leg, lifting him once more and slamming him onto Wario’s other side, face-first. Again and again, Wario made Bass kiss the pavement HARD until Bass’s face was little more than a mangled piece of metal, before Wario threw the arrogant robot into a cactus nearby.
“Ah, JESUS!” Bass screeched as he painfully dislodged himself from the cactus and found a mess of needles sticking out of his behind. He tried to continue fighting but every step he took was plagued with a thousand years of pain rushing into him all at once, until Bass couldn’t take it anymore and began plucking the needles out one by one.
Unfortunately, this left Bass open to attack by Wario’s arm cannon, which fired a spread of energy blasts that all traveled into the sky save for one. The one shot slammed directly into Bass’s chestplate and forced the automaton into the sky, where he was intercepted by one of Wario’s remaining charge shots implanting a sharp electrical jolt into his systems. However, the true purpose was to inflict knockback onto Bass, forcing him into another shot in the chain again and again, until Bass was knocked high into the air by the final ball.
While Bass was stunned from the assault, Wario took aim once more, but this time switched his ammo to something a bit more…unconventional.
“Eat-a shit and die, motherfucka! Literally!” Wario yelled, as he fired a pile of liquid feces directly at Bass, which hit the bot dead-on and stained his paintjob with…unmentionable elements.
“I really don’t wanna know what just hit me, do I.” Bass groaned as he felt something sticky attached to his body. Then he took a whiff. “Yep, yep, that’s what I thought. Fucking hell, it’s gonna take weeks to get this off!”
Angered at Wario for literally shitting on him, Bass turned and fired a swarm of Dive Missiles directly at Wario, which veered off in different directions as soon as they materialized before homing in on the armored plumber.
Undeterred, Wario simply switched to his other offensive maneuver and fired off clouds of fart gas directly from his private areas, which were so awful-smelling that they made the Dive Missiles disintegrate on contact, with Wario turning to face Bass with a shit-eating grin.
“So, you got-a any more tricks for-a me?” Wario questioned, as he once more pointed his gun in Bass’s direction and prepared to open fire, Bass right in his sights.
“Well…not yet, actually, but a plan is coming! Lemme just put that out there!”
Unamused, Wario shot out several more combo blasts of energy and shit, intermixing the two so when they hit Bass they exploded into showers of electricity and feces that rained down on Bass and stained his already permanently ruined armor even more.
However, Bass wasn’t quite done yet, as he dodged some of Wario’s shots and pelted him with just as many blasts from his Rebound Striker, bouncing across the desert sands and off of cacti so that they slammed into Wario, distracting him long enough for Bass to get in close and deal a few quick hits before taking to the skies once again, out of Wario’s reach by just a bit.
Eventually, however, Wario’s impatience got the better of him. “Stop-a running away, you-a piece of-a shit!” Wario shouted as he used his jet boosters to jump into the air and transformed into his “morph ball” form, along with generating a series of spikes that ran all around the outside. Wario began spinning around like a buzzsaw, moving faster and faster as he slammed into Bass’s side and began carving out chunks of Bass’s body, scattering the desert sand with Bassnium.
Yet amidst all the pain Bass was feeling, he was smiling. For Wario had finally taken his bait and gotten into range, range of Bass’s Stronger Buster. And while Wario was busy attacking, Bass had leveled his gun at Wario’s power suit.
“GOTCHA!” Bass yelled, as he used one arm to grab Wario and throw him off, and the other hand to fire a saved-up charge shot directly at the armored plumber, hitting his target with a bullseye and generating an explosion that could be seen for miles. The damage had been done, though, and Wario was now back in his yellow and purple attire as he fell face-first onto the sand, smoldering from the attack.
Bass smirked, sure that he had gotten Wario this time as the fat fighter sat up and rubbed his aching head.
“Ow-a…you think-a maybe you coulda been a bit-a more gentle with that last-a hit, paisano?” Wario murmured as he struggled to get to his feet, still a bit groggy.
“Maybe. But I like watching you suffer, worm. Especially since you’re all out of fancy tricks!”
“Is-a that your answer to-a everything? You-a really need a new catch-a phrase, eh?” Wario retorted, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote, waggling it in front of Bass’s face.
“Oh no, don’t tell me-“
“Yep!” Wario answered, pushing the button with much fanfare.
Seconds later, an absolutely enormous mecha shaped like a certain familiar ape was dropped right next to Wario, along with an elevator up to the cockpit. With no time to spare, Wario ignored the transport and jumped straight into the head of the mech, closing the door and powering up the device.
“What the heck is this shit? A Wily Machine!? That bastard gave them to other people and not ME!?” Bass shouted.
“Actually-a, I like to call it…METAL GEAR APE!”
“Metal Gear…”
“Now feel the power of nanomach- I-a mean FARTS!”
Wario pushed a button, and the giant robotic Donkey Kong took out a metallic barrel from its midsection and hurled it at Bass, who just barely managed to dodge it as it exploded into a shower of grenade bananas.
Unfortunately, Bass was a tad too slow on the uptake to dodge the miniature explosions behind him, which pushed him just enough to get in range of Mecha DK’s Charged Punch, hitting him so hard that Bass’s launched body created a sonic cone as it slammed into a sand dune, with the mech belting out a hearty laugh in response.
Suffice it to say, Bass was rather tired of having sand, proverbial and literal, kicked in his face, and so he took to the air and switched to his ever reliable Quick Boomerang, firing off multiple boomerang shots that left little nicks in Mecha DK’s armor. However, the robot didn’t seem to be slowing down as it continued to swipe at Bass with surprising speed considering it’s massive size and weight, although one of the Quick Boomerangs did pierce the cockpit and earn a curse from Wario about “how much the mech cost!”
As Bass swooped around for another bombing raid, Wario pressed a button on his control console, and the Mecha DK pulled out a banana from his chest. Taking a moment to peel it, Mecha DK then squeezed the peel and shot the banana like a shotgun blast, hitting Bass and tearing a hole right through his arm due to how fast it was giong.
“Shit! Not again!” Bass cursed, as he shot a volley of Freeze Crackers at Mecha DK and freezing its arm in place before it could fire another banana. Then Bass flew in and kicked the frozen appendage right back into the mech’s face, hitting Wario with extreme force and toppling the robot.
With his goal accomplished, Bass used the Freeze Cracker once more, freezing the mech’s arms and legs to the ground and leaving Wario totally exposed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Bass switched to his Super Arm, his hand growing to enormous size and ready to punch Wario’s face into oblivion.
“It’s OVER!” Bass yelled as he flew high into the sky, before turning and diving towards Wario at incredible speeds, ready to end the fight once and for all.
“Oh NO!” Wario countered, as he jammed the controls over and over in an attempt to break free, before finally hearing a slight crackling sound coming from the right arm. Excited, Wario kept wiggling the right stick until finally the arm came free, and was able to flex once more. Seeing Bass about to make a nuclear touchdown, Wario pulled back the arm as far as he could while stuck to the ground, before making it surge forward at high speed and intercepting Bass’s Super Arm punch. The collision created shockwaves and ultimately a destructive burst of energy that kicked up all of the surrounding sand, pushing it to the sides to reveal the hard, rocky earth.
When the dust settled, Mecha DK was gone, and Bass was looking more than a little worse for wear. Many wires were sticking out of his body, and his headpieces were either bent or missing. Regardless, he was sure, 100%, without a doubt, that it was over this ti-
“It’s-a MEEEEEEE!”
“OH FUCK OFF, SERIOUSLY!?” Bass yelled, more agonized than frustrated as he saw a fat shadow come out of the dust. It was Wario, but now his attire had changed once more. He was now dressed in what appeared to be pink pajamas with garlic cloves on them, along with a purple mask adorning his face.
He had become WARIO MAN!
“Alright-a friend, it’s-a time! This is-a where we settle things! You-a ready?” Wario taunted, as he shifted into a battle stance.
“Sure! At least now we can end this!” Bass roared, as the two prepared to finally end the drawn-out clash.
At first, it was silent. The only thing that disturbed the peaceful atmosphere was tumbleweeds rolling across the dunes. But then the buzzards above gave a mighty crow, and the two fighters charged towards each other, slamming their fists against one another.
Neither one gave an inch, and so they kept punching each other again and again, the shockwaves of their punches slowly destabilizing the ground beneath them and dispersing the clouds above with ease.
Finally, Wario and Bass pulled back their fists one last time.
“DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Bass cried out, as he lunged.
“WAHAAA!” Wario retorted, as his fist met with Bass’s and created one final shockwave. Unfortunately for the two of them, this was simply too much for the ground underneath to take, and the earth collapsed, with Wario and Bass falling down the created hole, all the way to what seemed to be the center of the earth.
“Oh, you damn idiot! Now look what you’ve done!” Bass scolded, as he smacked Wario in the face with his buster.
“ME! I think it’s-a you who-a fucked up, no?” Wario countered, bitchslapping Bass right back, as the two began a furious slap fight as they fell deeper and deeper into the Earth’s core, until it started to get very hot all of a sudden.
“Hey-a! Whatsa goin’ on?” Wario questioned, as he pulled on his collar.
“It’s the core! We’re gonna burn up in its heat, you dumbass!” Bass insultingly replied.
“Okay! Then I-a guess we’re gonna settle this with-a one final attack! Letsa go!” Wario retorted, as he turned his back to face Bass with a look of defiance in his eyes, his mustache gleaming.
“Sounds good to me!”
Bass held out his faithful Bass Buster one last time, and began charging it up more than he had ever done before. Wario, meanwhile, prepared for his ultimate Wario Waft, one with power unrivaled by anything he had unleashed prior.
Finally, their power reached its peak, and Bass’s buster was creating ripples that were disrupting the space-time continuum. Wario felt like his ass was about to explode. And so, with nothing to lose and everything to gain…
“SUPER BUSTER CYCLONE!”
“WAAAAAAARIO WAFT NUKE!”
As soon as the two hits collided, there was simply nothing. No sound except for the planet breaking apart in one swift motion.
“At last…it’s done. Now…I have proven myself to be the ultimate overlord. The true master of the human race. The king of all robot-kind. I, Bass, have shown all my power! I, BASS, AM THE SUPREME!”
Bass was so busy grandstanding, however, he failed to notice a smelly presence lurking right behind him, and by the time he did…
“Uurgh!” Bass groaned, as he felt his chest and realized there was a massive hole right through it. A hole created by a white-gloved hand belonging to a yellow-capped foul-breathed treasure hunter.
“That’s…not possible…” Bass gasped, as he felt his last moments of life slipping away from him. “I was supposed to win…I was supposed to be the supreme…”
“WAHAAA! Eat that, loser!” Wario cackled, as he moved his fist up and split Bass right in two! As the robot’s halves moved away from each other, Wario finished them off with a few corrosive Wario wafts, until there was nothing left.
And with his victory assured, Wario belted to the skies:
“I’MA NUMBER ONE!!!!”
: Huh. Neat.
: The entire planet is gone and all you can say is “Neat”!?
: Well, yeah it was pretty neat.
: Don’t you care about the planet Maria loved so much!?
: Who?
: At the risk of serious bodily harm, we might as well get to discussing why Bass lost. And this…this is gonna be a doozy.
: Starting with Bass, the robot should definitely be somewhere in the planetary range due to scaling to Mega Man, who is comparable to Wily’s satellite lasers in power. And those things were enough to apparently raze the world and reduce it to ash if they had succeeded. Bass’s durability should be roughly the same since he can take hits from Mega Man, and he should be faster than light via fighting Quick Man, who (mistranslations aside) is able to move at lightspeed.
: So we got Planet Level and FTL Bass, so let’s look and see how Wario stacks up. And uh…yeah he definitely does. There is of course the feat of him surviving the Shake King’s explosion, which was calculated at Small Planet Level, but this is NOWHERE near his limit. In the Yoshi’s Island games, Yoshi was able to punt Raphael the Raven so hard that the bird created the missing piece of a constellation in the sky, which was calculated as Star Level. This is already impressive…but we can go even further.
: In Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam, Paper Mario is shown to be comparable to the Bros., and Bowser is capable of harming Paper Mario. This is important for two reasons. One of them is that Paper Mario survived the collapse of Sammer’s Kingdom in Super Paper Mario, and Sammer’s Kingdom is roughly the size of a universe, meaning that Paper Mario tanked a universe-busting attack. Now obviously, an argument could be made that Tipi teleported them out before they could sustain most of the damage, but even if that was the case, a small chunk of Universal+ would still be Universal+. And though this sounds like an outlier, scaling to Rosalina, who is portrayed as on par with the mainline cast in all games after Super Mario Galaxy 2 and has her own Universal+ feat via resetting the universe, makes it more than consistent enough.
: The second reason is that in two of the Yoshi’s Island games, those being New Island and DS, Bowser from the modern era actually shows up in the past to help fight against Yoshi. And both times, Yoshi is capable of not only standing up to Bowser, but defeating him as well. And considering Yoshi is one of the weaker characters in the verse, pretty much every character scales to some level of Universal+, including Wario. Again, this is backed up by the game Bowser’s Minions, which actually shows enemies like Goombas and Koopa Troopas as being able to fight against foes like Fawful, who gives the Mario Bros. a hard time.
: As for speed, there’s quite a few MFTL+ feats in the franchise, such as the Millennium Star flying to the edge of the universe in Mario Party 3 which got trillions of times the speed of light, but the most notable is the one from the end of Super Mario Galaxy, where Rosalina’s Comet Observatory flies to the center of the universe in seconds. This feat got at least 100 quadrillion times the speed of light, and since Mario’s reactions are about on par with Rosalina’s as of now, this means that Mario and all similar characters in physicality, like Wario, should scale as well.
: So with that, we’ve got a Planet Level and FTL character fighting a Universal+ and MFTL+ character. Yeah…look, Bass may have some cool stuff in his arsenal and is debatably more intelligent thanks to his robotic brain, but really, Bass surviving more than one picosecond against Wario is a feat that should be commended if it actually happened.
: Bass just got Wari-owned here, sadly.
: The winner is Wario, the Microgame Master
+ More experienced overall
+ Far more unpredictable
+ Greater overall lifting strength
++++ Absolutely annihilates Bass in terms of raw power
++++ Ironically, blitzes the ever-living shit out of Bass
= Versatility
– Intelligence
– Is technically fighting a two on one battle due to Treble
+ Intelligence
+ Has a numbers advantage due to Treble
= Versatility
– Less experienced overall
– Far more predictable
– Less overall lifting strength
—- Gets absolutely murdered by Wario’s raw power
—- Cannot even begin to comprehend Wario’s massive speed advantage
JJ's Writing Corner 