: Two titanic monstrosities, brimming with pure evil and spiteful malice, have roamed an unassuming world for several years.
: And now, they will meet at last, and prove once and for all who is the greater force of malevolent darkness.
: Eugene “Snotty Boy” Beady, the scourge of farm animals.
: And Lord Frieza, the evil Emperor of the universe.
: It is time…for a SMACKDOWNNN!!!!
Oedeville Farm, 9:44 AM…
It was a relatively cloudless day in the farmlands. The sun shone down with a reasonable temperature of about 75 degrees, providing a soothing warmth to the animals lazily grazing in the field.
The leader of the animals, Otis, sat by the local mudhole, and lazed about as his mouse friend Pip bounced on his stomach.
“Hey…Otis…how…are you…doing?” Pip questioned, his voice fragmented due to his bouncing in and out of earshot.
“Ah, Pip, last night was great! I took Duke to poker and got 50 orders of takeout!”
“We really need to teach him how to play.”
“I am far too cruel and cynical to give this up!”
Otis got up and stretched himself out, before walking towards the barn with Pip on his shoulder.
“I tell you, Pip, nothing but NOTHING will ruin this-AH, rock pain!”
Otis fell down, a huge welt forming on his head as a result of the rock shot from behind.
“HA HA…HA!”
“Except a certain little stinker with spider eggs where his heart should be.”
About 500 yards away, a fat boy with red curly hair and a purple shirt lowered his faithful slingshot and continued to cackle with a horrific glee. He was known as Snotty Boy, the nephew of the barn’s crazy neighbor Nora Beady.
And he was also a piece of garbage, depending on who you asked.
“Ha Ha! With this new slingshot from the internet, I don’t even have to go to the barnyard to prank those stupid animals! I’m so smart!”
Snotty’s two cronies just laughed nasally behind him, their minds incapable of separating themselves from their leader’s twisted logic.
“You know, pranking those stinky animals is really what makes my day! It’s more than a hobby.”
“Yeah, more than a hobby!” the blond henchman snorted, laughing some more before Snotty flicked him.
“NO ONE LAUGHS UNTIL I SAY SO!”
As the two other kids stepped back, Snotty turned back to the barn and warped his expression into a wide, evil smile.
“Come on, let’s beat the animals up some more. Then we’ll get corn dogs!”
The three took off towards the barn. But unbeknownst to the little monsters, there was an even greater danger coming towards them.
Oort Cloud, 20 astronomical units from Earth…
In the cold depths of space, there are very few life forms who can safely travel between worlds.
That is, of course, with the exception of a lone spaceship cutting through the star-studded vacuum with ease. It housed several important figures in the galactic pantheon, all headed to Earth.
And most notable of all was a white alien with purple accents, sporting a long, prehensile tail and a cruel visage. He was known as Frieza, leader of the greatest empire the universe had ever known.
He sat on his throne and listened as his subordinates, Kikono and Berryblue, described the situation.
About two weeks ago, the Frieza Force had collected six of the seven mystical Dragon Balls, artifacts that could grant almost any wish within the power of the ancient dragon Shenron. Recently, they had found the seventh ball, and contacted Frieza as requested. The emperor rushed to Earth immediately, still desiring the wish to increase his height by 5 centimeters that was stolen from him by-
“-those pathetic fools, Cheelai and Lemo. Their betrayal set me back quite a ways in my plans…they’re lucky I didn’t see any reason to kill them at the time. My temperament changes quite rapidly, given proper motivation.” Frieza muttered, tapping his fingers on the armrest.
“Yes, my lord, it was quite an annoy-“
“And you, Kikono, are lucky I did not see a need to eliminate you for your incompetence. It’s thanks to you that those insolent plebeians made off scot-free with my wish!”
Kikono cowered under the force of Frieza’s words, sweat dripping from his brow.
“I-I-I know, my lord, it was a tremendous error on my part, I am deeply ashamed and sorry for it!”
“Your years of service are the only reason I accept that. Do not let it happen again.” Frieza threatened, his glare hot enough to burn through steel.
As Kikono thanked Zen’o for his life, Frieza turned back to the front window of the ship, staring at the blueish-green planet they were fast approaching.
“But…it does not matter anymore. Today, is a new day. And I am quite a magnanimous ruler. I will forgive all these transgressions if we acquire the prize I seek…”
With that, the tyrant’s tail swished around as the ship approached the planet.
Barnyard, 10:20 AM…
Snotty and his two friends rode their bikes through the arched entrance to the barnyard, all the while shooting everything with sticky egg yolk and trash pellet that stuck to the animals’ hidess.
“Stupid stinky animals! My giant big boy brain is bigger than all of yours put together! And I’ve got an even bigger surprise just for you!”
However, as Snotty was reaching into his bag, a shadow gradually was cast across the entire land, blotting out the sun.
“Uh…dude…”
“Pipe down! I’m trying to reach into my stupid bag, you stupidhead!”
“Dude…”
“DON’T INTERRUPT ME!” Snotty screeched in the black-haired boy’s face, until his eyes caught sight of what the incoming threat was.
A massive spaceship, circular in design and lined with yellowed windows and a sleek steel finish.
“What the-” Snotty began, but ultimately trusted his instincts and darted into the bushes, his cohorts following closely behind.
The ship slowly descended into the field, as the animals let out various noises and fled into the barn, already far too familiar with the dangers extraterrestrial beings posed.
With a whirring hum, the ship opened its bay doors, allowing a ramp to descend and revealing Frieza. The tyrant slowly floated down the incline, until at last he set his feet on the bristled grass.
“I despite this planet…let us not be here any longer than necessary.” Frieza grimaced, staring in disgust at the numerous pockets of dirt and manure that littered the ground. “Berryblue, are you certain the last Dragon Ball is here?”
“Yes, I’m detecting it…within that red building.” the elder woman replied, pointing at the barn.
Relieved he did not have to travel far, Frieza slowly levitated over to the door, and charged a tiny speck of ki power in his index finger.
When it was released, the door instantly disintegrated, revealing the frightened animals on the other side.
“Oh, perfect, Earth livestock. The one sentient life on this land, and it cannot even inform me of the location of the items I seek.”
As Frieza stared around the barn, the animals continued to huddle in the corner behind several hay bales.
“Otis, who is that?” Abby whimpered in fear.
“I don’t know, but if we don’t make any loud noises and keep out of sight, maybe he’ll go away…”
“Yeah! Uh, hey, where’s Pip?” Pig questioned.
Unfortunately, he got a swift answer in the form a tiny mouse scampering across the floor, cheese tightly clenched in his jaws.
Unfortunately, the pitter-patter of mouse feet was enough to send Frieza’s senses into overdrive, as he instinctively unleashed a Death Beam that struck the mouse dead-on, instantly vaporizing him.
Just like that, Otis’ best friend, the one the cow could always turn to for help in any crisis-gone.
“Pip…”
“PIP!!!” Otis yelled, as he abandoned all thoughts of safety and charged towards the alien overlord, prepared to kill him.
“Oh?”
The angered screech from Otis prompted Frieza to glance over and witness a cow, running full-tilt on two legs.
“Interesting. It seems this world’s livestock has the ability to walk on two legs. Perhaps they’re the missing link that divides monkeys from stupid humans.”
Not concerned, Frieza delivered a swift kick to the cow’s midsection, causing Otis to crumple like a paper bag. The tyrant caught him before he hit the ground, and leaned in to the ear.
“I know you have the capacity for speech. So I will offer you an ultimatum. Deliver to me the Dragon Ball, and I will consider not reducing this repugnant field to a crater.”
“Uh…dunno what a Dragon Ball is, buddy. Sorry.”
“There is a slim chance you may be telling the truth…but I feel in a particularly foul mood, and shooting some moving targets may quell those feelings of frustration.”
“Come again?”
“Now…” Frieza began, surveying the other animals who had come out of hiding.
“Which should I crush first? Perhaps one of the females?” Frieza crooned, pointing his finger at Abby.
“Or maybe the fat one, perhaps he’ll get some good exercise.”
“You can’t-“
“Tick tock…if you won’t choose, then perhaps I will. I am rather busy.”
Just as Frieza was about to shoot Pig, an audible clang could be heard from outside.
“Hmm?”
A little ways off, Snotty was busy trying to push the gargantuan vessel onto its side, a hobby he christened “ship tipping”.
“Come…on…this is totally lame, just tip over!” Snotty whined, as he pushed with all the strength his out-of-shape arms could muster.
“And just what exactly are you trying to do, if I might be so bold?”
Snotty turned around and saw Frieza standing over him, a menacing scowl on his face.
The boy merely gave a rude sneer and turned back around.
“Lame, stupid, stinky clump man! I’m just trying to tip this ship over. Now get out of my way, or I’ll use karate on you!”
“Oh, my, that’s just precious. Actually, no, it isn’t, it’s quite annoying and you’re about to be vaporized in two seconds if you don’t leave.”
“No way! You’re not the boss of me!”
Snotty Boy performed a series of “menacing” poses, before sticking his tongue out.
A Death Beam from Frieza incinerated the boy in an instant, leaving nothing but ashes on the ground.
: Honestly, this shouldn’t be much of a surprise.
: Snotty Boy may be more impressive than one would expect, being able to fight on par with Otis who survived this:
But Frieza is capable of fighting enemies who can easily destroy entire *universes* with ease, and scales to characters who can cross universes in seconds as well.
: When comparing their arsenals, Snotty Boy may be able to incapacitate Frieza temporarily with his glue gun, but Frieza still is way too durable for Snotty to damage, being able to take hits from Super Saiyan Broly. Glue just kind of delays the inevitable, especially when Frieza’s own combat experience massively eclipses that of Snotty Boy.
: Eugene just had s’not a chance in hell of winning this. The winner is Frieza.
Epilogue…
Frieza turned around and stared at the animals.
“Perhaps that is a sufficient motivator for you to fetch the Dragon Ball in your possession?”
“…Oh, right! Dragon Ball! Yeah, sorry, we thought you said Dargon Gall…we’ll be right back.” Otis promised, whisking the other animals into the barn.
“Anyone got a ball-“
Duke put his hand up.
“-that is not chewy.”
Duke put his hand down.
“Not sure. Maybe I’ll ask this magic wishing stone I got off the internet about the answer.” Freddy offered, holding up an orange ball with five stars on it.
“That’s it!” Otis exclaimed, grabbing the ball and rushing out the door.
“Just so you know, you owe me 36.50!”
Otis raced across on all fours and presented the ball to Frieza on unsteady legs.
“Ah, yes…” Frieza mused, grabbing the ball and caressing it in his fingers. “This is the object I have sought all these years…”
“Well, we know how busy you must be with your, plans, so make sure you get home safe, alright?” Otis insisted.
Frieza gave a sly smirk.
“What’s so…funny…”
KABOOM!
Minutes later, Frieza was taking off in his ship, having wished for his height increase the sending of the barnyard denizens and Snotty Boy’s friends to an alternate nightmare dimension.
The pain he could inflict was not nearly enough for the agony he suffered going to that backwater planet.
Kung Fu Panda! When the five greatest martial artists in the land do battle, who will ultimately claim victory? The slithering snake, the mischievous monkey, the mega-mini Mantis, the cacophonius Crane, or the terrifying tiger? Find out soon!
(Note: This fight does not include any feats from Brawhalla scaling because they just had to put Tigress in there. Tigress obliterates with that scaling, moving on).
: No super long intro this time, don’t care, didn’t ask, monke time.
: And bird, cat, bug, and snek time too.
: Reject animality, embrace monke.
: Aren’t monkeys also anima-
: It’s time for a SMACKDOWN!!!
It was a slow day at the Jade Palace. After the defeat of Kai, and with Po having left to the Panda Village for a special guest appearance, there weren’t really any villains around for China’s greatest kung fu masters to throw down with.
And with peace, often comes complacency.
The only one out of their room was a diminutive red panda with a long wooden staff, draped in regal garb. He sat meditating in the halls of the Jade Palace proper, searching for any signs of incoming danger.
“Oogway…what messages do you have for me?”
A few leaf petals were stirred up by a stray wind gust, lightly smacking into Shifu’s face.
“Yes, I’m aware I am a bit too anxious lately. But Kai’s defeat should not make us drop our guard. The problem is, the Furious Five do not agree.”
stop music
Suddenly, the petals began to coalesce and join together, forming distinct arms and legs, before finally they solidified into a ghostly figure, whom Shifu knew quite well.
“Master Oogway!”
Shifu bowed in deference, only for the turtle to wave his hand.
“Please, my friend. There is no need. You and I are now of the same stature…”
“It will take some time for that to truly set in, master.”
With a small chuckle, Oogway craned his neck to stare eye to eye with Shifu. “Do you remember what I said to you, all those years ago?”
“Yes, I recall it was that a peach could defeat Tai Lung.”
“After that.”
“To…believe?”
Oogway nodded, a warm smile on his face.
“Believe in the Furious Five. They will be ready when the time comes. And so will you…”
Shifu still looked unconvinced.
“But if you really desire a solution, listen carefully…”
Oogway leaned close and whispered in Shifu’s ear. The sensei’s ears twitched and his eyes widened, but he said nothing, merely nodding.
Licking his lips, Oogway stepped back and smiled.
“Remember, Shifu…believe…”
As Oogway trailed off, his form began to dissipate into petals once again, until all evidence of his existence was wiped clean, save for a cool breeze.
“I understand, master.” Shifu replied, as he stood up and walked out the main doors.
stop music
As the cool breeze whipped through his fur, Shifu gazed out over the Valley of Peace. The valley, and its denizens, that he had sworn to protect long ago.
“What does the universe have in store…?”
Shifu’s ear twitched, as he looked off into space.
start 1st music
Meanwhile, in the barracks, five animals sat a table, all munching on delicious bean buns.
Tigress didn’t even like bean buns.
None of them wanted to admit what they were thinking, so they continued to eat.
Finally, Mantis spoke up.
“So, Crane…got any new cool scented fabrics lately?”
Crane’s eyes widened a bit.
“You’ve never been interested in my fabrics before.”
“Yeah, well, I was just wondering. IS THAT A PROBLEM!?” Mantis screamed, trying to make himself heard.
“Wow, you must be really desperate.”
“A little bit.”
“Look, let’s just admit it. We all miss Po.” Viper cut in.
“And she said it.” Monkey sighed, as the rest of the Five followed suit.
“It’s not really the same doing dizzy kung fu or pranks without him.” Monkey mumbled.
“And my training has been growing steadily less effective without his competition.” Tigress assented.
“But, he’s the Dragon Warrior. It’s his job to maintain peace, no matter where he goes.” Crane added.
The Five just sat in silence afterwards, the tinkle of the windchime outside being their only companion.
“Enough!”
The rough voice instantly snapped them back to reality, as they stood at attention while Shifu strode into the room. Despite his age and short stature, his presence still commanded respect.
“Master Shifu-“
“This display is unbefitting of your position! You must always remain at your peak to face the challenges that lie ahead!”
“With all due respect, Master, there aren’t any threats.” Monkey chimed in.
“That is no excuse! Report to the Training Hall immediately!”
Not even the Five dared to defy Shifu twice, as they bowed and ran off. Shaking his head, Shifu followed after them.
When he arrived at the ancient hall he had constructed with Taotie years ago, he saw the Five diligently honing their skills. Tigress was training with the wooden totems, striking their vital areas with a focused blend of strength and precision. Monkey was leaping through the rings with remarkable ease, swinging around by his tail at some points. Viper darted through the flame jets, elegantly weaving around them so not even her tail was singed. Mantis was kicking around the rubber dummy in midair and performing combos on it at speeds almost too fast to track. And Crane was flying around the room at high speed with the Iron Turtle Shells strapped to his legs.
And yet, when Shifu looked into their eyes, he saw the same muted disposition from the barracks. Their bodies were being molded, but their gazes remained dull and monotonous.
“Students!”
The Five stopped once more and joined Shifu, hanging onto his words.
“I see now that the traditional methods will not reignite your fighting spirit. These training implements have long since worn out their usefulness. Your skills need to be tempered by something more befitting of your current skill.”
The Five stared at each other, confused.
“Such as…?” Tigress cautiously asked.
Shifu fixed her with a look equal parts mischievous and unflinching.
“Yourselves.”
Before they could question his words, Shifu tapped his staff on the hard floor to signal a need for silence.
“You have fought alongside each other for many years. You know each other’s strengths, and weaknesses. You trust each other with your lives. This is the strength that has led you to victory in combat countless times. But it is also possibly your greatest downfall.”
“Your reliance on each other has led you to believe that you will always be allies. But there may be a time when your camaraderie will be ripped asunder. And at that moment, your individual fighting skills may not be enough.”
“Master Shifu, we can hold our o-“
“Monkey, today there is no we. There is only you, and your abilities.”
“…I, am capable of defeating anyone who tries to stop me.”
“Yeah, sure, banana breath.” Mantis mocked.
“You think you could beat me? Get out of here.”
“Any half-decent kung fu master could probably beat you two jokers in a fight.” Crane muttered.
“Yeah? At least I don’t spend half my training time sniffing rugs!”
“You just said you were interested in them!”
“Everyone calm down, so we can realize just who exactly is the best kung fu master here. Maybe one kinda, long. And with flowers on her head. And snake-y.” Viper offered.
“What have YOU done?” Mantis accused.
“I don’t know, maybe saving you from drinking poisoned water?”
“Good point.”
The conversation devolved further into aimless bickering, as Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose. Finally, he couldn’t take anymore, and delivered a swift strike that knocked the Five down.
“If you believe in your own superiority, then prove it! You five will fight each other. Fight like your lives depend on it!”
The Five looked somewhat hesitant at the idea, but Shifu wasn’t done.
“And for the winner…”
From his robes, Shifu produced a small box, ornate and lined with jade.
“A message, from Master Oogway.”
“A message?” they said in unison.
“Of how to achieve your greatest dream.”
This really drew the Five’s attention, as their minds began racing, thinking about what they would achieve.
But as they really thought about it, thought about their shallow personal dreams of growing tall or bringing back their family or mastering the deepest secrets of kung fu, something felt…off.
“Master Shifu, with all due respect, I think I’ll fight for myself, not for an answer to problems I don’t have.” Tigress insisted.
“Me too!” Viper added.
“Same here.” Crane agreed.
“And me.” Monkey noted, his voice serious.
“Let’s do this thing!” Mantis roared, his voice carried on by the accompanying chants of the rest of the Five.
After all, there was a certain allure to finding out which of them was the strongest, if only for bragging rights.
Shifu gave a small smile, before turning around and opening the doors.
“Go! The world is your arena! But remember, this conflict is only amongst yourselves. Remember your training, and…”
With a wink…
“…good luck.”
Heeding their master’s wishes, the greatest of China’s defenders surged out into the training yard, and faced each other.
“Remember, we’re just fighting. Not trying to kill each other. At least, not too much.” Tigress asserted, a smug grin on her face.
“Sure, sure. Just prepare to be monk’d!”
“What does that even me-ah, forget it.” Crane murmured, adopting his eponymous stance.
“It means he’s scared of my ANTENNAE OF FEAR!”
“That’s never gonna catch on.” Crane rebuked.
“If you can use ‘Wings of Justice’, I’m sticking with this. I’ve honed it since my fight with Kai, and now it is a FORCE to be reckoned with, my friend! A FORCE!” Mantis insisted.
“More like a farce to me.” Viper chided.
“Now, my students…” Shifu announced, “…BEGIN!”
Almost immediately, Monkey jumped at Tigress and began throwing out a rapid series of jabs, forcing the feline fighter to take the defensive as she parried each strike. Eventually, she was forced against the back wall, barely dodging Monkey’s punches as they left cracks in the stone.
“Say goodnight!” Monkey taunted, winding up another punch.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Tigress smirk. But before he could pull back, he was already striking, already missing, as Tigress vaulted over him and slammed the primate into the wall face-first.
“Good night.”
As Tigress attempted to sink her claws into his back, Monkey quietly stretched his tail behind her back, and in one swift motion, unbalanced her before delivering a headbutt to her chin, and then a kick off the wall into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her lungs.
“Ah, I see what you didthere.” Monkey mused, as he surged toward Tigress on all fours to strike again.
As the two clashed fists, it released air currents that blew past the rest of the Five, slightly disorienting Crane and allowing Viper to grab him with her tail.
“Kyah!” Viper grunted, as she slammed the bird fighter into the ground, before slithering around, ensnaring his body tightly, and looking at him face-to-face.
“We’ll settle this later.” Viper whispered, lashing out and striking at Crane’s neck. The master screeched in pain, and then fell unconscious.
Taken aback, Mantis simply responded with a flat “…whoa.”, before Viper turned on him and began striking back with the same rapid bite attack that had seemingly taken out Crane.
“‘She’s faster than before…but so am I!'” Mantis thought, as he used his pincers to strike back, redirecting Viper’s fangs into the ground and allowing him to land several scratches on Viper’s scales.
Somewhat frustrated, Viper whipped around with her tail and smacked Mantis across the head, sending him flying into a wooden beam hard enough that he got stuck.
“The antennae of fear didn’t…work…”
Satisfied for now, Viper turned to Tigress and Monkey, still wrestling in the dirt to try and gain supremacy. Not wanting to interrupt the battle to conserve stamina, Viper simply sat back and watched, anticipating the moment when the winner would come forth.
However, unbeknownst to her, Mantis had wriggled free of the pillar, and began silently creeping around the edge of the arena. He darted between different blades of grass in the copse, then scaled a nearby tree until he reached a mid-level branch.
Slowly, he peeked out and saw Viper just below, completely oblivious. Seeing his chance, Mantis struck, lashing out and striking Viper’s neck with a single blow before retreating.
“Ow!”
Viper looked around in surprise, but found nothing. Her senses now heightened, she began slithering around the tree, determined not to be caught off guard aga-
SHINK!
Another claw struck Viper’s midsection, leaving her somewhat dazed as she tried to bite down on Mantis, only to hit the air trail left in his wake.
Viper got somewhat riled up, but managed to somewhat focus her mind and sense the world with different eyes.
Another swipe at her, this time at the tail. She paid no attention, instead feeling out the trajectory of the attack and its source.
“‘Climbs up the tree to get the high ground…'”
And then, in the heart of the battle sounds, she heard the cracking of a dry leaf as legs contracted to jump.
“‘There!'”
As Mantis tried to strike this time, Viper bit down hard on Mantis’s hard outer shell, feeling the satisfying crunch under her fangs as she ragdolled him, before spitting him out and delivering a powerful downward swipe with her tail, slamming him into the ground in a broken heap.
Mantis’s legs were bent and broken in all places, and he couldn’t stand. He could only look up as Viper loomed over him, menacingly.
“Don’t worry. This’ll be painless.”
“Hehe…I’d hope so. You know what they say. Whatever you do…it always comes back around.”
“What are you…”
Without warning, Viper’s body began contorting uncontrollably, her bones cracking as they stretched beyond their limits, until she finally stopped after assuming the form of…
…a pretzel?
“Hooh…” Mantis breathed, as he stood up with great effort, feeling one of legs start to crack under the strain.
“After Taotie’s acupuncture sphere, I started studying up on the pressure points of the rest of you guys. I’d say this worked pretty well for a trial run.”
Suddenly, Viper lashed out, trying to deliver a powerful strike to Mantis’s chest, but couldn’t reach far enough before she recoiled.
“Nice try. But NOW, it’s over!”
With no reservations, Mantis began delivering a powerful series of swipes with his pincers and forelegs, scratching and slashing at Viper’s head and body with incredible force, until at last he delivered a mighty spinning kick directly to Viper’s face.
“Ungh…”
Her body giving out from the pain, Viper slumped forward, unconscious.
“Hah…hah…thorax of power…!”
Mantis started to limp away, but his leg still refused to stop bleeding from a small prick…
VIPER DEFEATED!
Seeing Crane knocked out, Mantis chose instead to focus on Tigress and Monkey, who had started to slow down.
stop music
As Mantis raced toward them as fast as his injured legs could manage, Monkey saw him coming as he grappled with Tigress. Formulating a plan, he rolled onto his back with Tigress on top, kicked her behind him as he finished his somersault, and pulled out his sword all in one move, before blocking Mantis’s flying kick with the blade’s hilt.
“Hwoooaaaahhh!”
Although they didn’t make eye contact, Tigress and Mantis rushed forward with a mutual goal, as they began a combined assault on the chimp. With his attention divided between two targets, he pulled out a bo staff as well, and held it in his other hand. Twirling his instruments, he pressed forward with an assault, slashing and stabbing and swinging with ultimate precision and timing to strike them while not guarding.
As Tigress was smacked by the staff, she was sent careening into the weapons rack, as she lay in a heap amongst the steel and wood. One in particular stuck out to her as she cleared her head.
Standing up, Tigress extended the tri bo yao and began swinging it around with deadly force, its metal spiked tips reaching out extremely far.
The speed at which Tigress spun turned her into a living whirlwind of destruction, blasting through all debris with incredible ease and leaving Monkey in a cold sweat.
He tried to counter Tigress’s impenetrable defense with his sword and staff, only to have them cut to pieces in moments.
“Ehehe…yeah…”
Monkey bolted out the doors, as Tigress struck down on nothing.
“Oh, he wants to ditch? I don’t think so.”
Taking aim at the fleeing primate, Tigress prepared to throw the staff, only to have it snatched out of her hands by a set of bony talons.
“Mind if I cut in?”
“Or maybe I should wrap this up?” Crane joked, as he rapidly flew around Tigress, trapping her in the bindings of her own weapon, before picking her up and tossing her.
“Okay, that one was actually kind of clever.” Mantis noted, as Crane flapped his wings in a rhythm, watching Monkey escape the palace.
“Oh no, you don’t. The Crane will be mocked no more!”
And with that, the flying fighter spread his wings and zoomed off at high speed, until he was little more than a blur.
“Yeah, uh…don’t wanna be here when she gets loose. Wait for me!” Mantis yelled, as he hopped out as fast as he could.
From behind the barracks, Tigress easily broke free of the Tri Bo Yao, and was furious. Her eyes burned with a desire to seek retribution, as she too ran out on all fours, covering several meters with each stride.
Shifu said nothing, merely striding over to Viper. With a series of pressure point strikes, he reversed what Mantis had done, and brought her back to her senses.
“Ugh…oh, my head…”
“Relax. You are in no danger, now.”
“Now? Well, you have to let me go after the-“
“No.”
Viper turned back, shocked.
“No?”
“You have already been defeated. The fact I had to revive you proves this.”
“But Crane-“
“Recovered on his own. You are powerful in your own right, Master Viper, but you will not win this fight. Not with your current level of skill.”
As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Viper knew Shifu had a point. If she couldn’t even defeat Mantis, what chance did she have against Tigress, or even Monkey?
“…Understood, Master.”
Shifu’s face softened.
“Then perhaps, training would benefit you.”
Viper nodded, as she got up and slithered alongside Shifu, as they went to see the rest of the fight themselves.
In the village…
start music
As Monkey reached the bottom of the stairs, he kicked up a nearby iron platter, tossed some change on the counter, and begin sliding on top to gain momentum as he whizzed down the street, expertly dodging all the people.
Meanwhile, Tigress took to the rooftops, skittering across and slicing through the tiling with her sharpened claws as she closed the distance, Mantis hot on her tail as he ran along the walls.
But as Tigress prepared to leap to the next vantage point, she found herself grabbed in midair by the scruff of her neck, and pulled into the sky.
“Crane!”
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” the bird replied, feeling somewhat cheeky as he threw Tigress upwards, expecting to deliver a fast series of kicks to her chest and send her flying.
Instead, he was thrown off guard when Tigress unexpectedly used the boost to accelerate herself and fly higher, almost touching the clouds, before turning and extending her arms and legs to form a sentient torpedo, barreling towards Crane as fast as terminal velocity could carry her.
With no time to react, Crane spread his wings in an attempt to catch Tigress, but the sheer force behind her strike sent both of them to the ground hard, leaving a massive crater in the street.
After taking the attack, Crane didn’t have enough stamina to recover before Tigress picked him up and began choking the bird by the neck.
“Don’t interfere.” Tigress growled, unsheathing her claws once again.
Sensing things were about to get dicey, Crane kicked out with his feet, only for Tigress to sidestep before trapping them in the crook of her arm, leaving Crane defenseless.
At least, it looked like it.
Without warning, Crane stretched his wings and clapped them together against the sides of Tigress’s head. Their softness made the attack leave little impact, but it stunned her long enough for Crane to peck her skull like a jackhammer, forcing her to divert her limbs to blocking and allowing Crane to escape.
But he decided not to capitalize on Tigress’s dropped guard out of respect, instead standing at the ready. And as Tigress shifted into her tiger style fighting stance, the two dipped their heads in respect, before beginning to fight.
Punch after punch, kick meeting kick, they seemed to be even. As Crane somersaulted over his foe’s head, Tigress was already there to intercept with a palm strike hastily blocked by Crane’s wings. Tigress’s leg sweep missed as Crane hovered in the air.
Crane performed a jump kick that broke Tigress’ guard, and was about to deliver another powerful strike to her midsection, only for his head feathers to be pulled hard by an unseen force.
“Gyah!” Crane croaked, as he felt a sharp pain near his skull.
“Remember, this is a free-for-all!” Mantis chided, as he pulled on Crane to and fro, moving the bird like a puppet on strings as the bizarre tag team turned on Tigress.
“And now YOU’LL take each other OUT!”
Crane blindly rushed at Tigress, but stopped short and performed his famous “Wings of Justice” technique, blasting a gust of wind at the feline and sending her flying off into the forest.
“This is going WAY better than I thought!” Mantis boasted.
“You know, I’m only going along with this because of mutual goals.”
“That’s the spirit!”
Rolling his eyes, Crane took flight once again and headed for the forest, as the townspeople looked on at the scattered remains of vendor carts and stone tiling.
Ms. Yoon, a short female goat, simply shook her head and let out a groan of disgust.
“Oh, I can’t believe this…”
Suddenly, an unstable chimney broke free from its few remaining moorings and fell down, utterly crushing a gate to a certain noodle restaurant…
In his shop, Mr. Ping stopped chopping bok choy.
“Huh?”
After a few seconds, he shrugged and went back to his work.
Bamboo forest…
Monkey was still sliding along the tray, having the time of his life as he bounced between the bamboo stalks.
“Heeheehee! Now I’ll just let them finish each other off, and then I’ll-“
Monkey grew silent as he noticed a shadow fall over him.
“That’s weird, I didn’t think it was night alreaOH MY GO-“
CRASH!
A huge mound of smoke erupted from the collision site, and as it cleared it revealed Tigress and Monkey clumped together in a heap.
“Aigh…someone get the cart number on that rhino?” Monkey groaned, as he attempted to wriggle out of the crushing pain, only to have his back further dug into, his spine almost cracking from the pressure.
“We still haven’t settled things yet, Monkey!”
“Okay, okay, I know, but, do you have to do it like this? What happened to honor in combat, and all that?”
“I’d say you tripping me with your tail makes us even.”
“Oh, come on, it’s just what I do! You spit up hairballs, I fling poop around…or at least some monkeys do.”
“Me, though?” he jested, as he produced a bright yellow object from his trousers.
“That’s bananas!”
Before Tigress could process what was happening, a sticky peel was launched into her face, staggering her and allowing Monkey the crucial seconds he needed to escape Tigress’s clutches.
And as Tigress started to stumble backwards in an attempt to get the peel off, Monkey saw an opportunity, and tossed a series of banana peels like ninja stars, littering the ground behind the tiger in slippery…uh…
“Slipperiness!”
Yeah, that.
Sadly for the tiger fighter, she couldn’t stop herself from taking a single step backwards, landing on another peel. But miraculously, the momentum she carried allowed her to blitz through every other peel in the line, slide up a tree trunk, and ricochet back towards the primate.
As Monkey attempted to throw another peel to unbalance her, Tigress ripped the obstruction from her eyes, and tossed it right behind Monkey’s feet.
“Ha, you missed!”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, yeah, you didn’t hit m-oh, I see.” Monkey noted, as Tigress drilled towards him at hyperspeed. In an attempt to get away, Monkey started to run backwards, only to trip over the peel and start falling…
…or not?
“Haha, gotcha!” Monkey jeered, as he flipped in the air and, while Tigress was flying past, kicked her in the back and sent her flying through the air, about to crash into a tree.
Yet again, Tigress used her momentum to grab the tree with her claws, spin around, and hurl herself towards Monkey once more, this time meeting her mark and knocking both of them into the bushes.
In the shadow of the trees, the duo resumed their tussle, a furious squabbling mass that crushed branches and leaves in the undergrowth without a care as they slowly approached a part of the ground where dirt transitioned to stone.
Before they knew it, the duo stopped feeling ground under their feet. Stopping their fight, they looked down and saw a drop that seemed thousands of feet long.
“Of course.” Tigress grumbled.
“Let me guess, we’re about to fall down a huge cliff.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Certain death at the bottom?”
“Most likely.”
“…Bring it on.”
As the duo began plummeting to their aforementioned inevitable demise, they continued to punch and kick and claw at each other, their flesh beginning to bleed and coat their eyes in sticky red liquid, until they were just flailing wildly in a vain attempt to gain the upper hand.
Just as they were about to hit the canyon floor at terminal velocity, a familiar pair of talons grabbed the two and hoisted them into the air, escaping a grisly fate.
“Whuh…?”
“Oh, come on, you didn’t think I’d let you fall to your deaths, did you?” Crane joked, as he soared up and out of the ravine and back onto higher ground.
“Anyway have a nice fall byeeee.”
“Don’t you dare-“
Crane dislodged his talons, allowing the cargo he carried to fall into the branches of a massive tree, being pricked by thorns and sharp branches the whole way.
Finally they stopped at a mid-tier branch.
“He’s gonna pay for that.” Tigress growled.
“Sure, but I’m going to be the one who collects!”
As he chuckled, he jumped into the air, and then slammed back down with tremendous force, causing the tree to recoil until it was completely bent over, pushing Tigress out. And with a cheeky hand gesture, Monkey braced himself as the tree snapped back to its original position, launching the fighter into the sky and directly towards Crane.
“‘Heehee, he’ll never see me coming this time!'”
Once again, the primate was proven incorrect, as Mantis emerged from beneath Crane’s hat and mirrored Monkey’s high speed flight, ultimately delivering a powerful axe kick that knocked out one of Monkey’s teeth and sent both falling to the forest floor.
But before Monkey could complete his fall, Mantis increased his velocity so he hit the ground first, before using it as a springboard to jump up and deliver a powerful strike directly to Monkey’s ribs, feeling one crack underneath.
With his advantage, he encircled Monkey’s body and delivered a series of pressure point strikes all over, trying to finish him off like he had with Viper. It all happened in the blink of an eye before the long-tailed knuckle-dragger fell with a loud THUD.
Mantis fell in front of him, landing in a stylish pose, as Monkey began twitching from the effects of the paralysis. Glancing over his shoulder, Mantis smirked and began walking away.
But with his guard no longer up, he couldn’t prevent himself from being quickly smacked way by Monkey’s outstretched hand, flinging the pint-size master into a log.
“Ugh…no way, how did he-” Mantis groaned as he peeled his head off the bark and turned around to witness…a rather strange sight.
stop music
There was Monkey, swaying back and forth unsteadily, his eyes glazed over, but on his feet.
“Dizzy…Dizzy kung fu! I’ve been…practicing.” Monkey slurred, as he readied himself in a rather unstable fighting stance.
start music
A shocked look spread across Mantis’ visage for a fleeting moment, before dissolving into a frustrated scowl.
“Okay, minor setback. Still got the advantage here.” the bug reassured himself, fleeing into the trees. Using the greenery to camouflage himself, Mantis flitted from branch to branch, forming a phantasmal barrier between his battleground and the rest of the wood.
Moving at the speed of light, he attempted to strike Monkey, only for the dizzy primate to sidestep his intended blows. His movements were erratic, unprofessional. Not befitting of a fighter of his caliber. And yet, Mantis could not strike him at all.
“Ohohoho, aim over there…”
Monkey looked in a random direction, and then got a gleam in his eye.
“Hit over here!”
With a rapid chop, Monkey sniped the unsuspecting Mantis out of the air, bringing the assault down several notches. Undeterred, Mantis stood up and began lashing out at Monkey with his pincers, delivering blow after blow. Some of them met their mark and left bleeding gashes, but the majority were swiftly countered by Monkey’s jabs.
Impatient, Mantis tried going for a leaping stab, only for Monkey to reach both hands out and perform a clap that trapped Mantis between his palms, crushing him. Taking no chances, Monkey jumped upward, and then slammed down hard on Mantis before he could recover, squishing the bug underfoot.
“Ooohhhh…damn it, how!?”
“That’s what getting monk’d feels like!”
“Yeah, well, you’re about to have a big problem on your hands!” Mantis promised, pulling out a small blue bottle. Popping the cork, he downed the contents in one swallow.
“No, is that-?”
“OH yeah, baby!”
At first, nothing happened. The world was quiet, awaiting Mantis’s new revelation.
Then, his body convulsed, and the ground began to quake and buckle. The rumbling unbalanced Monkey and put him flat on his back, forcing him to observe up close as Mantis’ formerly 3 inch tall frame grew bigger, and bigger, and bigger, by the second, until at last he stopped.
“Oh…my god.”
The towering trees were naught but toddlers next to Mantis’ massive frame. With his increased size, Mantis’s next blow was so powerful it sent shockwaves running through the earth, dislodging all the forestry and leaving behind a barren wasteland.
“Haha! Give it up, Monkey, I’m winning this one!” Mantis proclaimed, ready to strike again.
“‘If I remember anything…about that Gong Tau potion…it’s that one weakness!'” Monkey mentally countered, as he managed to just barely sidestep Mantis’ claw swipe.
But he underestimated how much power was contained in those claws, as even just barely grazing the green pincers resulted in Monkey being thrown backwards, his bones aching and his limbs sore. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to dodge another one.
“Just one…chance…!” Monkey gasped, holding his ribs as he stood up in the face of Mantis’ clumsy downward strike.
Mustering all his remaining strength and agility, Monkey jumped right before the pincer struck the ground, and landed on the claw itself. In the time it took for Mantis to retract his attack, Monkey had already run across half of the arm, before swinging with his tail to grab hold of Mantis’ protruding backside.
Using the speed gained from the swing, he curved around Mantis’ tail before it moved, jumping into the air as the giant bug awkwardly turned around to find his quarry.
“Come out, Monkey!” Mantis boomed, as the primate quietly climbed up his backside. His small size made his intrusion almost unnoticeable, until he accidentally slipped and pulled on Mantis’s shell to stay aloft. Although a small act, it was still felt by Mantis, who attempted to swat Monkey off his back without seeing anything.
Monkey jumped to avoid the claw swipe, and continued to leap up the giant bug’s shell. He couldn’t stop to breathe, or he would be smushed flat by the bug’s pincers. His body screamed in pain, about to give out, but the monkey kept going, up and up, until he finally scrambled onto the shoulder, then leaped to the head.
“Oi, Mantis!” Monkey screeched, kicking the giant bug in the nose several times. “Come and fight me like a warrior!”
“You’re gonna regret that!” Mantis roared, as he reached up and smacked himself in the face, missing Monkey by centimeters and leaving an ugly bruise.
“Hey, over here!” Monkey called, stuck to Mantis’ belly.
Yet again, Mantis swung and missed Monkey by some distance, knocking the wind out of himself with a heavy claw swipe.
“Stay still so I can crush you!“
“But then the game would be over!” Monkey chided, appearing on Mantis’ shoulder.
The incoming chop was slower, giving Monkey ample time to dodge as it smashed into the side of Mantis’ skull, unbalancing him as the mighty bug toppled over.
“You should have remembered from last time! All that being bigger makes you…”
As Mantis hoisted himself up, he tried to deliver another jab with his pincer, only for Monkey to jump over and punch Mantis right in the eye.
“…is a bigger target!”
Mantis howled with pain, clutching his blackened pupil to lessen the swelling as his face twisted into pure anger. He abandoned all semblance of focused technique and just flailed his arms around like buzzsaw blades, slicing down hordes of trees with a single slash.
But his strikes were still sluggish, and Monkey could easily duck and weave between all of them as he delivered precision strikes to Mantis’ frame, redirecting the pincers to repeatedly strike Mantis across the face, stomach, and back.
Eventually, Mantis’ movements were reduced to that of a snail’s pace, fruitlessly striking at nothing while gasping and wheezing, until he stopped moving altogether. And like a tree with its roots cut, the monument-sized master fell over and hit the ground with a staggering KA-THUMP!, unconscious.
Wishing to conserve his energy, Monkey walked over to a nearby cave and sat within to rest, ready to continue when he was found.
MANTIS DEFEATED!
With only three masters remaining in the fight, Monkey observed as outside the cave, there were the sounds of a scuffle once again, before an unknown shadow was launched into the cave from outside, obscured by the darkness.
“Oh, of course!”
Still grumbling, Monkey took off deeper into the cave, the light around him completely vanishing.
The shadow stood up, stretched its wings, and turned to reveal a familiar straw hat and a steely gaze.
And then he sneezed.
“Oh, no, is there dust in this cave? I’m allergic to-ah-ahh-AHHH…CHOOO!…dust.”
Wiping his nose, Crane saw he was in pitch black. He was about to exit, but his ears caught a faint trace of a swishing sound ahead.
“Oh, I’m REALLY gonna regret this, aren’t I?”
Crane focused, and with the techniques he learned from Po months ago, summoned forth a small golden energy from within his body, lighting up the cavern and the way ahead.
Cautiously, Crane stepped into the blackness after Monkey, as Tigress barreled into the maw of darkness after him.
The trio raced along the narrow corridor, guided only by the light of their chi. But Crane’s flight gave him the edge in swiftness, and soon he spotted a familiar long tail.
“Haha, gotcha!”
Crane zoomed forward and grabbed hold of his prey, but was unable to slow down. He slammed right into Monkey’s back, causing the two to roll in a heap down the path, unknowingly passing through a bright light and into a blizzard.
The snow battered down on the two as they continued to roll around in the snow, before Crane kicked Monkey into the sky and…
over a cliff.
Monkey didn’t even have a chance to scream before he dropped like a stone, but Crane managed to catch him in midair.
“Oh, thank-“
Suddenly, Monkey was shoved against the side of the cliff as Crane flew parallel to the sharp crevasse, being battered by stones of all shapes and sizes, some even sticking to his fur and into his skin.
Monkey almost passed out, but he managed to grab hold of Crane’s legs, and began to crush them in his grip.
Feeling the sting, Crane began flying around at hyper speed, flying down, up, left, right, all around, into the valley below, and even into trees and other boulders. Monkey still refused to let go.
“Maybe this, then!”
Crane flew back to the mountain, but this time he flew into the sky. He flew further than the highest clouds, seeing blackness at the edge of his vision. But he kept going.
The high pressure created an audible popping, but one was clearly showing more negative signs than the other.
Monkey strained to stay conscious, his breaths a rapid irregular oscillation of quick and slow.
“Air’s getting pretty thin up here, ain’t it?” Crane mocked.
“Yeah…right…I can…do this…all…dayyyy…….”
Monkey had lost all capacity to remain awake, and his arms slowly dislodged as the primate fell once again.
Feeling the weight removed, Crane stopped and began flapping in midair, scanning around to find Tigress. Little did he know the rustling in the snow behind him, as a dark shadow jumped from the peak of the tallest mountain.
The first grab at Crane’s legs missed, but the unseen figure extended their other hand just enough to grab the bird’s toes, and held firm.
“Ack!”
The bird tried flapping as hard as he could, but he was still being pulled down, the rate of descent growing more rapid until it reached incomprehensible acceleration levels, bringing Monkey back into Crane’s vision.
With the ground coming up fast, Crane tried to slow his descent by spreading his wings, but it barely made any difference. But it did force Tigress to scrape against a rock, releasing several large shards.
This was the opportunity Monkey had been waiting for. Using the strength still left in his legs, he jumped off one of the shards, and grabbed another.
“LEAPING MONKEY!”
Monkey used his famous technique to jump from shard to shard, until at last he jumped up and grabbed hold of Tigress’ body, propelling himself up until he was above Crane.
With his plan in motion, Monkey threw a clump of snow into Crane’s eyes, blinding the bird and causing him to fly around recklessly, smashing into rocks and cliffsides and rustling the snow.
“Good…now…AIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIIIIIII!”
Monkey’s screaming jostled the snow even further, acting as the destruction of the last roadblock to the snow rushing down in a ceaseless avalanche, missing Monkey by inches due to his last-second attachment to the rock wall.
The others were far less fortunate. Crane and Tigress were almost instantly buried under the snow as it cascaded into a valley, filling it to the top before it finally subsided.
Monkey, noticing that there was no movement from within the snow pile, felt a bit more at ease, as he carefully maneuvered down to the bottom of the ravine, and plodded over to admire his handiwork up close.
“Teehee…gottem.”
CRANE AND TIGRESS DEFEATED?
As Monkey began to walk away, he noticed a set of three orbs, coming from over the mountain, that stopped above the snowdrift before diving directly into it.
“I have a bad feeling about this…” the primate muttered, as he turned and slowly stumbled over to the drift. He leaned in close-
–and got grabbed by the mouth!
His screams didn’t come out as the snowdrift crumbled away, revealing Tigress was very much still kicking, holding onto three glowing spheres.
“The Spirit Orbs? But they were locked in the cabinet, how did you-“
“Mental focus. Kinda what I’m good at.”
Undeterred, Monkey charged at Tigress with a powerful spinning kick, but Tigress just leaped overhead and landed behind his exposed back, shooting a couple orbs to ram into him and deal heavy damage before calling them back.
Monkey somersaulted through the air to prepare a flying kick towards Tigress’ head. Normally she could easily dodge it, but the avalanche had taken a lot of energy to escape, and she could barely manage a slow shuffle before Monkey decked her, knocking the balls away.
Defenseless, Tigress was forced back into the wall by Monkey’s merciless array of strikes at every point, only just managing to deflect the blows from hitting her vital areas. But she could see the orbs just a few meters away.
“‘Concentrate…'” Tigress mentally insisted, holding out her outstretched palm towards the orbs, which glowed as if in response to her command.
And as Monkey was about to let loose a decisive attack, the orbs immediately were summoned to Tigress’ hand. The tiger immediately held them out to intercept Monkey’s thrown punch, and a massive flash of light filled the battlefield, engulfing the two before they disappeared.
stop music
“Oooohhhh…my head…”
Monkey took some time to shake the dust from his eyes as he groggily stood up. But still, he had no idea what was happening.
He was standing on a white platform, with nothing on it. The world around him was merely a featureless black void.
“Aw…am I dead? That’s disappointing…”
Plopping himself on the ground, Monkey began puzzling out what he should do next.
No ideas came in the first hour, so he kept thinking. And thinking.
And thinking some more.
It felt like a year had passed, and still nothing.
“Maybe if I had a banana.”
The yellow fruit almost immediately appeared in his hand.
“Wow!” he gasped, wolfing down the fruit in an instant.
“This…mmgh…this is pretty good! And grilled a bit, just how I like it! But…what would be really great is-“
Instantly, more bananas and some plantains appeared in a stack.
“Yeah, that!”
As Monkey continued to chow down, he smiled a bit.
“You know, maybe being dead won’t be as bad as I thought. And you, my friend…” Monkey crooned, picking up a particularly juicy plantain, “…will go down great.”
As Monkey peeled the fruit, he noticed there was nothing inside but a black void.
“Hey, who ate my-“
KA-CRACK!
A fist shot up through the hole and socked Monkey in the jaw, knocking him over as the peel exploded to reveal Tigress, holding the Spirit Orbs.
Dazed, Monkey sat up and glared.
“Tigress! This is my dead world! Get your own!”
“You’re not dead, you’re in your mind.”
“My…mind…?”
“So that explains the bananas. I know what I like. Anyway, how did you do that?!”
“Ding’s orbs.”
“You summoned them from all the way over here? That’s…impressive.”
“Save it for after I’ve won.”
“Fat chance! This is MY mind we’re talking about here!”
Monkey began growing in size until he absolutely towered over Tigress, his giggles feeling more like miniature earthquakes.
“Oh, come on, the growing big strategy?”
A hand slapped Tigress at incredible speed, knocking her into a suddenly materializing wall.
“Oh…right…” Tigress grunted, falling on her face while Monkey summoned a giant bo staff and sword again, before striking with rapid blows from both weapons.
Tigress picked herself up quickly before jumping on the blade as it sliced through the air, managing to hold on as it was shaken back and forth before she jumped to the staff.
“You aren’t the only one,” Tigress began, vaulting up and delivering a series of swift kicks to Monkey’s chin to force him back, “who can use dreams for themselves!”
Springboarding off Monkey’s nose, Tigress launched high into the air yet again. But this time, she focused her chi into a concentrated orb of power.
“Take this!”
Tigress launched the chi, now in the form of a concentrated beam, directly at Monkey’s head. But Monkey wasn’t fully dazed, allowing him to charge a chi orb in his own palm, before launching it in retaliation.
Both chi attacks collided in midair, as their power distorted the world’s space and reality at its epicenter. And yet, there was no clear winner.
“Give it up, Monkey! You don’t have the determination to be the best!”
“Oh, yeah? Then how’s THIS for determination!”
The primate raised his arms, and a horde of chi orbs appeared in a ring around him, glowing like golden hearts.
With a mighty upwards gesture, the sixteen orbs surged upwards, clustering together as they entered Monkey’s initial attack one by one, increasing its size and power as it began to easily overwhelm Tigress.
“Hehehehe, looks like I’m taking home first place, eh Tigress?”
“You haven’t won yet!”
“You’re really not giving me much to go off there.”
“‘Maybe one of these…'” Monkey pondered, as he summoned a barely visible clone of himself behind the tiger lady.
“‘And…'”
“ATOMIC WEDGIE!” Monkey yelled, as his duplicate pulled up on Tigress’ behind with heavy force.
Tigress yelped in pain, and the brief lapse in attention allowed Monkey’s attack to finally drill through Tigress’ blast, engulfing her and the void in a bright yellow shine.
Meanwhile, outside the mindscape, Crane had finally awoken and plodded over to see the Spirit Orbs in a trinity in the snow. But for some reason, they had started glowing rhythmically.
Incensed with curiosity, Crane leaned in and squinted. But he got in too close, and the orbs began emitting a powerful magnetic pull.
“Whoawhoawhoa!” Crane screeched, trying to fly away. But even his speed wasn’t enough to escape this great power, as he was sucked in.
Within Monkey, his mind-self had overpowered Tigress and sent her sprawling on the ground, dangling over the edge of a cliff into oblivion.
“It’s over!”Monkey roared, pounding his chest as he stood over Tigress in triumph. The cat closed her eyes, accepting the inevitable…
…but it never happened.
Out of nowhere, a vortex opened within space, and out popped Crane, flipping end over end until he found himself at Monkey’s feet.
Monkey let Crane get to his feet, the tension in the air palpable.
“Well, uh…I see that you two are busy at the moment, so, I’ll just get out of your way-“
“Crane!”
Tiger and crane locked eyes.
“Help me take out Monkey. You can tell he’s the biggest threat…literally.”
“True…but how do I know you won’t just backstab me when it’s over?”
“Of course I’m going to backstab you, that’s the point of this. But it stops him from winning.”
“Shrewd…but not untrue. Alright, you got a deal. But when this is over, we battle it out to decide the champion.”
The two shook hands, before turning on Monkey.
“Okay, let’s ah…let’s settle down here. You know it’s not a fair fight, two on one…” Monkey stalled, reaching around with his tail.
But as he was about to unbalance the two, Crane and Tigress jointly leaped and slammed down on the wayward tail, pinning it to the ground.
“Your size will not help you anymore, Monkey. Return to normal, and let’s settle this.”
“Maybe you’re right. After all, why use size…”
Monkey shrank down, and pulled some dust from his pocket.
“When you have numbers?”
Before Tigress could stop him, Monkey threw down the powder, shrouding the battleground in blinding fog. Tigress attempted to swat it away, but Crane simply let loose a wingblast that cleared their sight.
Standing around them in an impassable barrier formation was an army of Monkeys, all smirking ear to ear. And as soon as the duo took their eyes off one Monkey, it multiplied, until there were over a 100 of them.
“Well, this is a fine mess!”
“What, are you scared?” Tigress mocked, flexing her claws.
“Well, this is sort of a new experience for me.”
“Just try to keep up.”
“Ahem.” Crane coughed, holding up his wings and shaking them, before taking flight.
The two began their conflict with the Monkey horde. The clones weren’t quite as sturdy as the original, but they still took heavy degrees of punishment, and frequently joined together to engage in combo attacks to drive Crane and Tigress apart.
And yet, perhaps ironically, Tigress and Crane always had each others’ back. As Crane ducked to perform a leg sweep, Tigress was already vaulting over his back to deliver a spinning roundhouse. When Crane flew into the air, Tigress was grabbing hold, performing the Feet of Fury technique to knock several Monkeys into each other like domino.
As three Monkeys attacked her from behind, Tigress’ ears pricked, and she whiplashed around to deliver a fearsome palm strike that left an imprint in Monkey’s chest, sending him and the other clones careening off to the side, where they vanished into smoke.
Crane followed up by spinning around incredibly fast, to the point where he turned into a living tornado that swept up many of the clones into its maw, thrashed them around, and then spat them up and out through the eye of the storm, landing in a heap around the bird master.
Their moves perfectly in sync, Tigress and Crane continued to punch and kick and slash and stab in a ring, their movements a blur as their speed and power surpassed all expectations, until at last there was one Monkey left.
All three masters were breathing heavily, but they managed to pool their remaining energy into rushing forward, leaping, and extending their legs.
“GRAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
SHINK!
Monkey’s kick missed.
Crane and Tigress’ punches didn’t.
Their fist and wing collided with the primate’s jowls, knocking out his tooth, as he fell to the floor, not moving.
Tigress thankfully felt a pulse when she checked, and reassured Crane with a nod.
MONKEY DEFEATED!
And so, it was down to two.
Crane and Tigress walked to the center of the arena, and bowed to each other. But before Crane could react, Tigress shoved the Spirit Orbs in his face, smashing him into the unseen boundaries of Monkey’s mind hard enough to shatter, leaving a cracked hole into yet another void as Tigress followed behind.
Entering into Crane’s mind, Tigress could feel a very different vibe.
stop music
In contrast to Monkey’s mostly empty subconscious, Crane’s mind was jam-packed with all sorts of furniture. Fabrics, wood, thatched reed, even a rickshaw in the corner.
On the couch sat Crane, sipping tea.
“What are you doing? We’re supposed to fight, remember?”
“Yeah, sure, but I’ll never get this chance again! Look at all the scented fabrics! At least sit down and hear me out?”
Rolling her eyes, Tigress sat down and crossed her arms.
“Now, this fabric over here dates back to the Qing dynasty. It’s known as Hajun Jasmine, and was used in the emperor’s throne room due to its luxurious finish and delightful scent. Here, take a sniff.” Crane explained, shoving it in Tigress’s nose.
She took a brief sniff and nodded.
“Oh, and this fabric, it’s really special…”
The conversation dragged on for at least three hours, as Crane showed off his incredibly expansive collection of fabrics and regaled Tigress with stories of his fathers’ roof building and rickshaw driving, and was about to move on to his organized linen closet when Tigress finally snapped.
“OK, OK! Can we please just do something else?”
“Hah, okay. Just head through that door and I’ll meet you outside.”
A small wooden opening appeared, its golden handle inviting as Tigress stepped towards it.
“‘Finally, I thought he’d never be quiet.'” Tigress fumed, as she stepped through and found herself once more in the Northern Mountains, facing Crane.
As if in response to their heated souls, the snow stopped and created an undisturbed arena.
Once again, the two fighters performed a traditional bow of respect, before rushing towards each other.
As their fight raged on, day slowly turned to night, and the sky, usually littered with twinkling stars, was completely devoid of light, save for the moon. It’s luminescence coated the battleground with a faint brightness, allowing the silhouettes of the Jade Palace masters to be seen for fleeting moments.
As Tigress lunged forward with a palm strike, Crane took to the air once more, and with one wing remained aloft, while his other wing grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it. Tigress was not as easily fooled this time, as she effortlessly sliced the snow to pieces.
Crane tried again, but this time broke off a block of ice and molded it into a set of razor-tipped spears. The sky was soon filled with them, and Tigress was put on the backfoot as she deflected or redirected every single icicle. The spears returned to sender were bounced back by Crane’s wingblast, beginning a furious game of icicle tennis that quickly sped up as the volley continued, until the two were flailing their arms at speeds faster than eyes could track just to redirect the spear in time.
Eventually, however, the spear struck Crane’s side due to his inability to redirect it with both limbs, causing him to fall out of the sky and crash into a nearby snowdrift, thankfully breaking his fall.
Tigress racing towards him with her claws outstretched put enough fear into Crane’s heart that he started flapping his wings as a warning, inadvertently stirring up a miniature blizzard to serve as an impenetrable defense for several moments. But that brief hesitation in Tigress’ stride was all that was needed for her to be knocked off balance by the snow, as she found herself coated in white powder.
As a white tiger, Tigress had suffered enough humiliation. She growled with pure anger as she skittered towards Crane on all fours, her claws scraping through the snow with utter ease as she got closer.
Crane’s wing was still too injured to fly away, so he had no choice but to take the brunt of the next hit. But he couldn’t tank it in this state if he got hit full-on. He needed another way…
“‘Wait, hang on…yeah, I think that’s it! It’s my only chance!'” Crane assured, as he prepared to execute his strategy.
As Tigress delivered a swift kick, Crane turned around so his talons were taking the main force of the attack. The power behind Tigress’ legs easily launched Crane into the air, straight towards a sheer vertical cliff. And upon reaching it, Crane turned around so that he once again faced Tigress, using the cliff as a launching point one final time, his muscles tensed, as he blasted forward at incalculable speed.
Tigress, witnessing Crane rushing towards her, took a deep breath.
“COME ON!”
Using the ground as her own springboard, Tigress made a mighty leap towards Crane, and with her forward momentum she leaned in and began slashing away in front of her.
“IRON CLAW!”
Crane began spinning like a bullet, completely straightening out his body to boost his velocity until he was almost unrecognizable.
“SPINNING FEATHER BLOSSOM!”
The two got within inches of each other and-
SHINK!
The two intersected and moved past each other, both seemingly unhurt.
Wind whipped through the snowdrifts, dislodging some flakes that sailed along the current.
And then…
SPURT!
Blood rushed from a gash, running from the stomach all the way down to the leg in an unbroken line. One began to fall.
And with the victory in hand, the one on their feet curved around, grabbed the opponent by the neck, and threw them into the air. And with a true last remaining iota of stamina, the downed foe was blitzed several times over, the champion raging through the target and slashing recklessly over and over again, before climbing high above, blotting out the moon with a fear-inducing shadow, and somersaulting through the sky before delivering a bone-crunching footdive.
(idfk use your imagination dumb dumb stupid people I’m just kidding you’re great)
The impact knocked the defeated warrior to the snowfield below, the body continuing to bleed out as the victor landed nearby, energy completely spent. But not before uttering one final line.
“Who’s…the Crane…now…”
TIGRESS DEFEATED!
: Yeesh, uh…that seemed a little excessive. I thought these guys were supposed to be friends.
: Do not worry, the epilogue will very clearly explain how events can transpire in a positive fashion.
: I mean, yeah, but…shouldn’t someone get her a doctor, or…?
: This fight was honestly incredibly close. Because these characters’ stats are so similar to each other, and pretty much all of them can scale to at least some of the big feats in Kung Fu Panda prior to Paws of Destiny, any one of them could feasibly win this match if the scenario was run a hundred different times. For real! So picking the one answer that would happen the majority of the time was actually quite difficult. With one glaring exception.
: The first one out is Master Viper. She doesn’t really have any stand-out abilities that would give her an advantage in combat outside of an implied Venom bite, and her solo feats compared to the others are nothing notable. Kinda makes sense honestly, given how little she contributes. That, and pretty much all of her notable abilities, like paralysis techniques or levitation, are things the rest of the Five already have, which made it even harder for Viper to surprise them.
: Afterwards, though, is where it becomes much more difficult. Fourth place was a tossup between Mantis and Monkey, but ultimately we decided to put Mantis at fourth. His victory against Lidong is impressive, with Tigress noting Lidong as a formidable opponent, but it only happened because Mantis went inside his body and took him down within, because hitting his scales amounted to nothing. Mantis’ acupuncture also provides some decent hax, but he never uses it in combat and it requires hitting specific pressure points. His small size is also something the rest of the Five have long since caught onto, so they should be able to tag him.
: Monkey, despite being relatively lacking in high tier feats, gets to third because of his unpredictability and agility. Monkey’s tactics are something that the rest of the Five aren’t really prepared for, along with his penchant for fighting dirty, which allows him to pull some sneak strikes and take out some members of the Five, while using his good agility to stay away from the hard-hitting fighters for a good while. However, his lack of good feats keeps him from the top.
: Up next, we decided to put Tigress, which is…definitely going to require some explanation, given her status as the leader.
: While she definitely has the greatest raw strength of the group, arguably the most combat skill, and the greatest intelligence/mental focus, along with the impressive feats of staggering Kai and defeating Lidong (who can keep up with Po), she has somewhat of a weakness in dealing with fast opponents as seen in her fights against Mistress Mugan, and her brute-force fighting style will result in her taking lots of damage in addition to dishing it out. While this works fine in one-on-ones for finishing the fight fast, in a battle royale you normally want to stay in peak condition as long as possible, which Tigress’ close-quarters style will make it hard to do.
: There is also Tigress’s mastery of the Spirit Orbs, which Master Ding used to possess people and drive them to suicide, but Tigress never used the orbs in this fashion, and only used them to invade the minds of other Kung Fu masters. And even though this could potentially be helpful, it still doesn’t necessarily overcome the physicality gap, especially when other fighters could also potentially make use of the dreamscape to enhance their own fighting prowess. The durability in her hands is also rather noteworthy, and would be difficult for everyone else to get past, but this durability doesn’t necessarily extend to her entire body, as demonstrated by how she could be brought to the point of pain by things like Shen’s cannon and Kai that targeted her whole body. So more than likely, enough consistent pressure and attacks would be enough to overcome the problem.
: Finally, we selected Crane as the winner here, because he not only combined some of the best attributes of other Furious Five members into one, but his advantages were far more impactful.
: To begin, Crane holds an immense speed advantage, being able to even outpace Po for brief moments in KFP3, and flew from the top of a mountain to a valley miles away in seconds. This, combined with the ability to naturally fly, gives Crane a huge advantage in mobility, allowing him to stay out of range of all the other fighters, and take less damage, meaning he would be more in shape for the final fight.
: Crane is also the only one of the Five to possess ranged attacks with his Wings of Justice, meaning he can pelt them from afar if he so chose. His lifting strength is also comparable to Mantis via being able to carry the Five all the way from their battle with Tai Lung to the Jade Palace while exhausted. There’s also the fact that Crane tends to be underestimated by many other characters, which means that he will likely be focused on less in favor of taking out more prominent members like Tigress, leaving him in a better position when the final fight comes.
: And lastly, Crane has by far the best feats out of the Five, being able to take on and defeat both Fenghuang and the Lin Kuei singlehandedly, who are each capable of defeating the rest of the Five and even Shifu. Fenghuang in particular is the most powerful member of the original Furious Five that included Shifu, with the old Five being easily capable of dispatching the new Five at other points in the story. And while Fenghuang has beaten Crane several times in the past, she usually does that via her Impossible Moves, which she didn’t use here. So it should be fair to say Crane is comparable to a casual Fenghuang.
: Crane also has very little anti-feats, and staggered Kai as well with a barrel, putting him about on par with Tigress. And any unique techniques the others have, like the Chao-Wa Punch Kick or chi, are also known by Crane. While the other members can use Levitation Kung-Fu to fly, they are never seen using it after its debut, and Crane is still faster and more experienced with aerial combat. As such, due to greater speed, comparable strength to other heavy hitters in the Five, greater mobility, the greatest feats, and the ability to keep a low profile and avoid damage, Crane ultimately comes out on top.
: Guess winging it worked out pretty well for him, huh?
: Yeah…okay, but seriously, she’s about to die.
: Fine, the winner is Master Crane.
Crane (Winner):
+ Fastest speed
+ Greatest mobility
+ Best combat feats
+ Could camp out and let the other fighters wear themselves out
+ Above average lifting strength level
+ Possesses a way to fight at long range
= Variety of techniques
= Intelligence
– Not as good in close-quarters combat
– Not as skilled in weapon usage
Loser (Tigress):
+ Easily the most skilled weapon user.
+ Likely had the most raw power.
+ Punching the iron wood trees gives her somewhat of a durability advantage
+ Most combat training
+ Spirit Orbs gave her a unique hax that couldn’t be easily countered
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– Likely target due to her notoriety
– Style of fighting leaves her open to taking a lot of damage early on
– Fairly predictable in combat
Loser (Monkey):
+ By far the most unpredictable in combat
+ Has high levels of agility
+ Probably the most well-rounded fighter
= Variety of techniques
= Intelligence
– Not particularly dominant in any one field of fighting
Loser (Mantis):
+ Small size makes him hard to hit
+ One of the faster members of the Five
+ Above average lifting strength
+ Acupuncture hax can allow him to score some good hits on the opponents
+ Gong Tau potion can increase his size…
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– …but at the cost of his kung fu skill
– Very rarely uses acupuncture in combat
– Small size makes him overall less durable than the rest of the fighters
Loser (Viper):
+ Poison manipulation via her fangs and the paralyzing shoulder pinch could allow her to incapacitate targets
+ Is somewhat agile
+ Can force opponents to hit themselves
+ …Vore?
= Intelligence
= Variety of techniques
– Very few notable combat feats
– Can be easily tied up with her own body
– Very few notable individual abilities
Epilogue…
It took some time, but Tigress could slowly feel a sensation of warmth returning to her body. She felt comfortable enough to sit up, looking at Crane dispelling the chi around his wing.
“So…you won, huh?”
Crane smirked, but in a kind way, as if it was a jest between friends.
“What can I say? Sometimes, the Crane does get some rewards.”
“No, no…you deserved it. This just means I have to train more.” Tigress insisted, stretching out.
“A little training could help us all out. I mean, who knows what Po’s gotten himself into these days…”
The masters sat in rumination for some time, but eventually the bone-chilling weather set in and made them want to leave. So, Crane gathered Monkey in his claws, and the duo went back through the tunnel that brought them to the mountains to arrive back at the forest.
The Gong Tau potion’s effects hadn’t worn off yet, so they pushed the giant Mantis to the Moshu Market and bought the antidote from an eccentric pig, bringing Mantis back down to normal size.
By this time, the two had woken up, so they all walked together back to the Jade Palace, still clutching some of their wounds that had not closed yet. They walked together through the massive double doors, and bowed in deference to Shifu, waiting alongside Viper.
At his gesture, Viper slithered over to stand alongside the rest of the Five, awaiting Shifu’s next words.
“So, who ended up victorious?”
Everyone pointed at Crane.
“Really?”
Crane looked annoyed.
“I’m joking, I’m joking! I just never saw it coming.” Shifu mumbled, before clearing his throat.
“Students! I hope you realize the nature of this exercise, and hopefully you used it to become stronger fighters in the process. Even after many years of training, there is still more you can uncover and master to go even further beyond your preset limits. There may yet be a time when you will face an enemy more powerful than any beforehand, and you must be ready!”
“YES MASTER!”
“Dismissed.”
“W-wait, hang on?”
Shifu stopped and turned back slightly.
“Don’t I-“
“Yes?”
“Uh, I mean-“
“Mmhmm.”
“I just…feel like maybe I should, get a reward. For, winning this battle. Maybe.” Crane muttered, a bit sheepish.
“A reward greater than the knowledge you need to grow stronger? A reward greater than the satisfaction of triumph? A reward greater than the validation of your own kung fu skill?”
“…Yes?”
Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose, then let out a little chuckle.
“Alright, very well. Your reward is that you get to choose what the Furious Five do for the rest of the day, and they aren’t allowed to abandon it.”
This sparked Crane’s attention, as he rubbed his wings together and smiled, eyes wide, while the rest of the Five looked a bit uneasy. Except for Tigress, who was banging her head against a wall.
“Alright, let’s look on the bright side. Maybe it could be fun!” Viper pleaded, optimistic. “What are you planning, Crane?”
The bird winked and held out his wing in what was the best way to perform a thumbs-up.
“Well…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
The Five found themselves in a scented fabric store, impatiently waiting as Crane continued to sniff fabrics, and continuously arouse himself with their odor.
“Come on, Mantis, it could be a lot worse.”
“Yeah, standing around in a rug shop watching someone get high off of sniffing. What could POSSIBLY BE MORE FUN THAN THAT!?”
Everyone shhed the bug, who buried himself deep in his pincers.
“‘It’s only for a little bit.'” everyone promised themselves.
“Hey, guys, you have got to try smelling this reed-scented one, it is heavenly!” Crane insisted, as he took a massive inhale and smiled.
Everyone groaned as they sat and waited for another 30 minutes. Finally, Crane came up.
“OK, we’re done!”
Everyone cheered.
“With this store! The furniture store is having a sale on terra-cotta, isn’t it great!?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Up at the Jade Palace, Shifu’s ears twitched as he let loose a hearty laugh.
Huge shout-out to Pepsi-Jem for the great Usopp vs Sokka artwork you saw here. Give her a commission she’s really cool and talented.
: Oh hey, you’re actually writing things now. What, did being a lazy shithead stop being entertaining?
: Kinda. But I also finally got motivation!
: You had best proceed now, before you lose interest and fall into yet another creative slump for several months and inevitably pick up another project you will fail to complete.
: I’m sorry, are you just here to tell me I’m a failure the entire time?
: Not at all. Merely provide the kinetic and conflict-rich kickstart this bout needs. Although it has come to my attention that I might have exhausted that pool.
: Yeah…maybe this is the ill-fated seasonal rot era. Either way, we got a great clash here, so it’s time to GO!
——————————
Thousand Sunny, five clicks southeast of Dressrosa…
The heavens above were an almost perfect balance of clouds and clear skies, filtering the intense sunlight into warm rays that gently tanned the smooth bodies of two women on board the wooden vessel. As they turned on their back to even out their coating, their well-endowed upper bodies rippled and swayed from side to side, and jiggled just a little bit in the cool sea breeze.
“Ah…Robin-san, the weather is great, isn’t it?” one of the girls, an orange-haired beauty, breathed in an airy voice.
“Yes, it’s very relaxing.” Robin replied, turning to the next page in her book on the history of Ohara while sipping some juice.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, a man wearing a crisp black suit was chopping radishes and sliding them into a magnificent salad spread, part of a massive banquet meal.
“Oh, I hope Nami-swan likes this meal…” the chef, Sanji, pleaded.
“Yohohohohohoho! It smells quite delectable. Perhaps it would be okay for me to take a sample tas-“
Sanji immediately smacked the intruder to the floor, giving him a large bump.
“Damn skeleton, this food is for Nami-san and Robin-chan! Know your place!”
“BROOK-SAN!”
Through the door came a short reindeer with a peculiar blue nose, a startled look etched on his face. With monstrous efficiency, he scanned Brook’s body and determined everything was okay.
“Ah, Chopper-san, thank you.”
“Hehehe, Brook, you asshole! Praising me won’t make me feel good, uuh…” Chopper swooned, clearly taking the compliment to heart.
“Sanji-san…?”
“Oh, Robin-chwaaaaaan? I’m comiiiiing!” Sanji cooed, his eyes bulging out and turning into hearts as he sashayed out the door with a tray balanced precariously on his arms, holding it up to Nami.
“Arigato, Sanji!”
With that, Nami blew a kiss towards the love-starved cook, who instantly fell to his knees, to the ire of a man lifting weights on the deck.
“Tch, pervert.”
His aura instantly shifting to one of fire, Sanji turned and fixed his steely gaze on former pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro.
“Oi, since when did I ask your opinion, you damn marimo?”
The two butted heads with looks of anger in their eyes, as Zoro reached for his swords and Sanji’s leg began to heat up.
Shaking her head, Robin crossed her arms and summoned forth a barrage of hands to ensnare Zoro and Sanji, separating them and pinning them to separate corners of the deck. The two did eventually calm down, although they still cast the occasional evil eye.
“Ah, see, you CAN get along!” Nami chastised, as she moved her sunglasses to her forehead. “Franky, are we still on course?”
“SUUUUUPER on course!”
The call came from a massive man holding the steering wheel, his appearance disguising the complex cybernetics just under his skin. Punctuating his confirmation, he raised his arms to the sky and flashed a golden star, brimming with dazzling style.
And sitting at the prow of the ship, a worn straw hat resting atop his head, was the captain of the motley crew. A man infamous enough to be the headliner of the worst generation of pirates, achieving numerous victories at Alabasta and Enies Lobby, and participating in the the Paramount War two years prior, “Mugiwara” Luffy, the man who would soon be the Pirate King.
“Shishishishi! Mingo, we’re coming for you!”
“Luffy, don’t get ahead of yourself! We don’t even know what we’re going to run into when we get there! It’s probably a trap!” Nami yelled.
“It’s okay, we’ll find a way to get through it! Then we’ll get something to eat after!”
“Is your stomach all you can think about?!”
Luffy shrugged, only to find himself set upon by an angry Nami and beaten senseless, as the sound of Luffy’s agonized cries echoed within the bowels of the ship, as a man with toned abs and a full head of black hair tinkered in his workshop.
“Mmm…how am I going to get these new star rounds done with all this noise?”
stop music
Some knew him as the resident sniper of the Straw Hat Crew. Others saw him as the Sniper King himself. Regardless, they all added up to a single common demoninator – the mighty Captain Usopp.
“Is this ship always this…chaotic?” questioned a man in black garb.
“It’s something you get used to. Has a bit of a homey charm to it. Maybe if you stay long enough you’ll like it too, huh Tra-guy?”
“I’ll probably go insane first.” Law sighed, as he walked over to the other notable guest on the ship – a being rippling with pinkish-purple gas and sporting a crazed expression.
“Thank god this trade is almost here, I don’t know how much more of this bastard I can handle.”
“The feeling is mutual.” Caesar Clown angrily muttered.
As nonchalant as ever, Law pulled out a container with a beating heart inside, and squeezed. Pain immediately shot through Caesar’s body as he gasped, feeling as if he was about to die.
“Gyaaah! Damn you, Trafalgar! If I had my heart I would finish you in an instant!”
“And if you tried, I’d cut you in two before you could move. Besides, you’re almost safe anyway, might as well suck it up until we get to Greenbit.”
“I would, if your friend wasn’t sucking me dry!”
“Hey, you’re being useful by giving me poison gas for my Instant Death-Smoke Star! You should be thankful, you’re actually contributing to society.” Usopp remarked, a bit smug.
As Caesar continued to grumble, there was a sudden earth-shaking rumble that knocked some of the technology from the shelves, leaving Usopp a bit unsteady.
“Whoaohoahoahhhohhhh, what’s that?”
The two raced outside to witness a barrage of fireballs falling from the sky about a click to the north, crash-landing with a steamy burst accompanying them.
“Big rumbling sounds and fireballs from the sky are almost never good signs.” Sanji mused, lighting his cigarette.
“Huh…hey, was that big black rock there like 5 seconds ago?” Luffy questioned.
Immediately, the crew turned up to see a massive shadow cast over their ship, and immediately felt puny next to the massive obstacle now threatening to smash their ship to pieces.
Naturally, there were a series of profoundly earsplitting cries as the more cowardly members of the crew ran around like headless chickens at the oncoming danger, prompting Zoro to stand up and pull out his Kitetsu.
“Ittoryu…”
Silence. And then…
“ONIGIRI!”
Quick as lightning, Zoro unleashed a slash that split the rock in two. The top half crumbled into the ocean, leaving behind a smooth hemispherical platform, shimmering like onyx.
“That’s odd, I didn’t detect any natural rock formations in this area on my sea charts…” Nami murmured.
Intrigued, Robin sat up and crossed her arms once more.
“Cien Fleur!”
Immediately, a hundred hands appeared on the rock and began feeling it out.
“Based on the texture, this isn’t a rock indigenous to this world. Most likely it originated from outside the planet’s atmosphere.” Robin concluded.
“Like a meteor?” Franky interjected, with Robin giving an imperceptible nod.
“SUUUUUUPEEEERRRR! I’ve been thinking about reinforcing the Sunny’s hull with meteor armor. Mingo sounds pretty tough and we need to be prepared.”
“Sounds fantastic. So…get going!” Nami goaded.
“Uh…Franky is not feeling very super at the moment.”
“Chopper-san?”
“I…need to take care of creating more medicine! You never know what might happen…hehe.”
“Fine. We’ll settle this in a different way…” Nami trailed off, taking a piece of paper and ripping it into chunks before holding them out.
Five minutes later…
“Ah, why do I always get the short end of the paper?!” Usopp grumbled, as he set out in the Mini-Merry to the rock.
One mile to the east…
“Mmgh, stupid Katara and her stupid snowball picking contest. Where am I gonna find lychee nuts in the middle of the ocean? What, are they just gonna fall right out of…the…sky…”
The boy immediately forgot about his objective upon seeing the massive black stone to the west.
“WoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah baby, Sokka’s struck black, hard, chunky gold! Sokka’s Space Sword will now make its glorious return! I just need a little bit…”
Now completely energized, Sokka began rowing at an incredible speed, until at last he was moored alongside the rock. With fire rising up through his belly, Sokka clambered onto the rock to see-
“Hey!”
On the other side, Usopp turned to see a man in a blue tunic with a ponytail ranting and raving at him, seemingly.
“Yeah?”
“Find your own meteor, this is mine!”
“…What?!”
“FIND YOUR OWN METEOR!”
“USOPP! WHAT’S HE SAYING!?” Luffy yelled.
“I think he wants us to give him some meat!”
“What?!” Luffy snorted indignantly. “Why would we waste perfectly good meat on someone else?”
“TELL THAT GUY TO TAKE A HIKE!”
“Alright, captain…YOU HEARD HIM! TAKE A HIKE!” Usopp yelled back.
“…What the heck’s a bike?”
Before the two could proceed any further, the seas began rumbling again, a little more violently than last time. Huge waves stirred and rocked the Sunny, threatening to capsize it as Franky, Robin, and Nami struggled to keep the boat upright.
As the Straw Hats were all preoccupied, the rock began to dislodge itself from the sea and began climbing higher and higher into the sky.
“Wait, what’s happening? Appa, are you trying to prank me? It’s not funny!” Sokka whined, looking under the rock to see that there was nothing there.
“OK, then I guess Toph somehow managed to learn long-distance earthbending. That’s okay. Things’ll turn out alright. I’m just gonna relax, and in a couple hours I’ll be back on shore.” Sokka reassured, sitting down with his arms across his legs.
“Yeah, well that doesn’t help me! Oi, Luffy, give me a hand!”
“How about a GUM-GUM ROCKET!?” Luffy responded, stretching his arms as far ass they could go to reach out to the still-rising meteoroid. However, when he got close, the rock flew upward even faster, as Luffy’s fingertips just missed the edge.
“Sanji-san!” Robin pleaded.
“Got it!”
Sanji jumped off the ship and-
“Sky Walk!”
-began jumping on the air over and over to gain tremendous altitude. Soon, he was almost level with the rock, and held out his hand to grab hold.
But just as soon as he tried, three chunks of debris splintered off and blasted towards the chef at high speed, knocking him off-course and sending him reeling back down, slamming into the deck of the ship.
“Uurgh…”
With no more obstructions, the giant rock immediately flew off at incredible speeds, until it disappeared from sight in a flash.
“Usopp!”
“Luffy, you need to use some Observation Haki to find him!” Chopper demanded, grabbing Luffy and pulling him close.
“I can’t! I haven’t developed it enough to reach that far!” Luffy panicked, as he lay down on the verge of tears, watching the trail left behind by his dear friend with no way to help.
“USOPPPPPPP!!!” Luffy screamed, banging his fists on the deck until his knuckles started to bruise and bleed, as everyone comforted him.
Miles away, at a mysterious island…
A massive naval base stood at the peak of a giant mountain, casting the entire island in overwhelming shadows. The precipice was lined with enough mines and traps to stop even a giant from getting to the top.
Within the base, several marine officers all stood in the inner sanctum, watching their commander, the Vice Admiral Momonga, speak into the traditional Dendenmushi communicator.
“Mmhmm?”
“I’ve used the power of my Devil Fruit to trap one of the Straw Hat crew on board a meteor. He will be arriving at your base posthaste.”
“Understood. Thank you, Admiral.”
“May justice shine favorably on you, Momonga.” he concluded, before shutting off his snail transponder.
With a smirk, Momonga sat up from his chair and strutted over to the window. Using his Observation Haki, he cast his sight out over the water, and at last picked up on the location of the meteor, now careening towards the island and leaving a fiery trail behind.
“Right on time…Lieutenant Condoriano!”
“Yes sir?”
“Prepare a cell in the lower levels for our guest, and ready a Dendenmushi for transmitting the ransom message to his crew.”
“We’re ransoming off a pirate?”
“Of course not. We’re luring the rest in to capture them as well. Now get going!”
Not daring to question their superior again, the Marines all dispersed and exited the building one by one, darting towards the forest they were informed would be the landing site of the rock.
stop music
On the crashing asteroid itself, the two weaklings were hugging each other out of fear, praying for their lives as the ground grew closer at a frightening pace.
“Katara, if I ever make it out of this alive, I will have some very angry words for you!” Sokka ranted.
“Maybe if you weren’t screaming so much we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Usopp shot back.
“YOU should have tried to stop me!”
“Forget it, let’s just keep screaming.”
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
CRASH!
…
…
“Uurgh…that wasn’t a pleasant landing.” Sokka groaned, as he opened his detritus-encrusted eyes and rubbed his aching head. Slowly, he sat up and took stock of the scenario.
“Okay, so I’m in a forest with…”
“…not the best options. But then again, these guys haven’t seen Sokka style before.”
“Just gotta hide up in this tree and then BAM! Instant victory. Dad’d be proud.”
Sokka was about to grab hold of a nearby trunk, but his eyes kept going back to Usopp, still lying unconscious.
“No, no, don’t even think about it. He’s not your friend, he’s just some random guy who ah…who might be a spy! Yeah, a spy. He’s probably going to sell you out as soon as the guards show up. Just leave him alone…”
…
“Just leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him al-“
“Ragh!” Sokka groaned as he grabbed hold of Usopp’s arms and began hauling him towards the tree. Using all his strength, the Water Tribe ambassador hoisted the sniper up into the leaves.
“He better thank me for this when he wakes up!” Sokka gasped, as the sound of footsteps squishing dried leaves grew ever closer.
Fear gave him the adrenaline he needed to push Usopp to the middle branches, before following along. His feet disappeared from sight just as the first Marine troop burst into the clearing, gun at the ready.
“Usopp of the Straw Hat pirates, by order of Vice Admiral Momonga, you are under arrest!”
The soldier looked around, only to discover the patch of land was bare, save for the massive stone.
“What the…?”
He looked all around the stone, underneath it, even in the sky above. Nothing. He scanned the nearby bushes and foliage. Nothing.
“They got away?” another Marine questioned, as the rest of the squad pushed their way past the greenery.
“Looks like it. Fast little buggers…spread out! Find them, bring them in, but don’t kill them.”
The soldiers saluted, before spreading out and ultimately vanishing into the undergrowth.
Just as Sokka was about to mentally pat himself on the back, he heard a bone-chilling tongue cluck from behind. Slowly, he swiveled his head around, hoping against hope that what he imagined wasn’t true…
…only to have his heart sink as Usopp’s eyes fluttered open, and his mouth began to open and release a tired groan.
Quick as a wink, Sokka slapped his hand on the sniper’s face, blocking out the low-pitched grumble. The action was not returned with kindness, as Usopp jerked upward and knocked the hand loose.
“Personal space, buddy? Thanks.”
“You know, you could be a little more thankful I saved you from those guys. I didn’t have to do it, but I did.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m just saying, it’s a tough world out there, and not everyone would be willing to help out someone for free.”
“Thanks.”
“So maybe, you could-oh, uh, you’re welcome.”
The two peeked out from the leaves to see the last trace of Marines disappear from sight, before taking a breath of relief.
“So, who were those guys?”
“Marines. They hunt pirates like me and take them in for ‘obstructing peace.'”
“Wait…you’re a pirate?”
“Yeah.”
“Errrr…sorry man, I think I gotta go.”
As Sokka started to climb down from the tree, he felt a tug on his arm.
“What’s up?”
“Well…awhile ago, we were caught by these pirates and, they almost had us killed.”
“Oh…”
The two sat in silence, giving each other cautious looks. Then Usopp broke the silence.
“Well, you know…we try to be a lot less bloodthirsty in our pirating.”
“I guess you’ve got the right pirate-itude, huh?”
“Er…”
“Sorry, just remembering things from the past. But if you say that you’re on the up and up, I don’t exactly have a lot of options aside from trusting you. Long as you don’t turn on me, this’ll go great. Agreed?” Sokka offered, raising his hand.
“Agreed.” Usopp replied, shaking his hand. “Now, ah…got any ideas on how to get out?”
“Yeah, hang on. Hawky? Tweet tweet?”
From within Sokka’s tunic, a brown bird with two head crests popped out, and flapped its wings to stand on his shoulder, poised for action.
“You got some paper?”
“Nah.”
“Darn…eh, I’ll just use this leaf.”
From his pocket Sokka pulled out a brush and ink, before coating the tip in blackness and writing a series of messages on the nearby tree leaves. After sticking them all together, he placed them in the container on the messenger hawk’s back.
“Okay, Hawky. Fly to the South Pole and tell Katara I’m about 5 miles to the west of Whale Tail Island.”
The bird nodded, as Sokka turned him in the direction of the beach and released it. Fast as a bullet, the bird took off, and soon it was out of sight.
“Alright. Can you make a fire?” Sokka continued.
“Can I make fire…Instant Death-Fire Star!”
After cocking his slingshot, Usopp let loose a ball that exploded into a small inferno, as a patch of fire now lit up the center of the thicket.
“Good, good…now it’s time to work.” Sokka concluded as he jumped down and used his club sword to hack off a massive piece of the meteor.
“Wish I could have done this at home, but beggars can’t be choosers.”
With that, he placed the meteor chunk into the fire, and then sat down.
“Hey, do you think you could keep me safe until I’m done with this?” Sokka inquired.
“Mmm…”
“I did save your life, you know.”
“Mmmmmmokay.”
Usopp pulled out his slingshot and kept a sharp eye out for intruders.
An hour passed. Then two. Every so often Sokka asked Usopp to rekindle the fire. Two hours turned to four. Finally, the meteor was melted down. With the first step complete, Sokka scraped up the molten rock and splashed it onto the platform. With his blade, he carved away the lava piece by piece, until at last he had a cast akin to a sword.
Satisfied, he pulled out a smithing hammer and began striking the iron in a rhythmic pattern.
Clang, Clang, Clang…
Usopp, having gathered some water from the ocean, returned with a bucketful. Accepting the receptacle with a quiet “thank you”, Sokka took a deep breath and tossed the entire contents over the sword, evenly coating the entire blade with the cooling fluid.
There at last was a black sword. It was far sloppier than the one he had constructed with Piandao, but it would do.
“That sword…have you heard of the 12 Supreme Grade Swords?” Usopp questioned.
“Can’t say I have.”
“I didn’t know you could just make these. My friend Zoro had to earn his from a dead samurai.”
“Oh yeah. They’re just really hard to find cuz they, you know, need a meteor. Not exactly super common.”
Picking up the second space sword and feeling it out, Sokka could feel an old sensation coming back to him, a part that he felt almost naked without. It was good to have a faithful weapon by his side again.
“Alright, Hawky usually takes a day to get back when delivering messages this far. Guess we gotta spend the night.” Sokka muttered, scanning around for an ideal campsite.
“Yeah, well…when you travel the world, you sorta pick up a thing or two.”
“Amen.”
The two continued to trek through the dense jungle, chopping down obstructing branches and swinging across massive pits, until they finally located a copse surrounded by impassable cliffs on all but one side.
“This’ll…do.” Sokka gasped.
“Good…I can’t walk anymore…” Usopp wheezed, flopping on his back, with Sokka joining suit.
“Just get ready…to move out tomorrow.”
The two shut their eyes and began dreaming, blissfully unaware of the dark shadows watching their every move.
The next morning…
The two men stretched out and stood up, shielding their eyes from the light slipping through the foliage.
“Alright, let’s MOVE!” Sokka insisted, vaulting over the chasm to the other side.
“Ehhhh, fine. Do you really think your help is going to show up?” Usopp persisted.
“Sure, Hawky’s super reliable.”
Sokka looked forward and saw the faint silhouette of a ship on the beach.
“There, you see. Told you.”
“Fine, but when we get you back home, I’m taking the ship to find my nakama. That okay?”
“Go crazy, just don’t try to pillage us.”
“If you say so.”
“And now, my friend, we are HOME-“
The tip of a sword jammed itself millimeters away from Sokka’s throat.
“-free.”
stop music
The beach was absolutely crawling with Marines, each more deadly and powerful than the last. And heading them was Momonga, a look of intimidation plastered on his face.
“I must say, the messenger bird was an interesting touch. But you should know by now, pirate, that we monitor all incoming and outgoing transmissions. Your message will never reach its destination.”
“Aw…so close.” Usopp groaned.
“So, we’re gonna have to fight now, huh?” Sokka conceded, pulling out his space sword and preparing himself for the ultimate showdown, Usopp at his back.
“Hold on, I’m not done.”
“Say what.”
“We know that you…” Momonga began, pointing at Sokka, “are not a pirate. So here’s how things are gonna work. You two’ll fight. If you win, you get to go free. If you lose, you’ll be executed along with him.”
“Wait, what? But if I haven’t done anything wrong, can’t I just go right now? Seems fair to me!”
“Our boss believes in absolute justice and certainty. We cannot take the risk you may be conspiring together.”
“Right, of course, silly me…” Sokka responded sheepishly. “‘Stupid Katara…'”
“How’s this going to work?” Usopp cut in.
“You can fight across the entire island. First one to die loses. And don’t try anything else, or you’ll be shot on sight.” Momonga deadpanned.
“Oh, well that’s pleasant.” Sokka muttered.
“I hope you make it through, son. Good luck.”
The Marines all made an about face and trudged back into the bushes.
“Well, that was convenient. Hey, come on, we gotta find a way off this-“
SHING!
Usopp barely managed to tilt his head back in time to avoid his nose being sliced off, air whooshing past as Sokka sliced downward.
“What the hell, man, you could have killed-ohhhh.”
“I’m sorry. You seem like a nice guy and all, but…I’ve gotta get back to my friends and family.”
“Heh…kinda thought we could be nakama.” Usopp noted.
The two were silent for a long while after that. Then, Usopp unsheathed his slingshot and nocked a shot.
“…Me too.”
Having missed the first attack, Sokka delivered a spinning kick leveraged by the sword’s hilt, striking Usopp in the ribs and sending him crashing to the sand face-first.
Unfortunately, his mouth was open.
“Bleaugh! Agh! Yuck!”
Usopp tried to rub the dirty sand off his tongue while turning his back on the Water Tribe swordsman, allowing Sokka to remove the sword from the sand trap and swing it full-tilt at the sniper.
At the last second, Usopp twisted to the side in his pained convulsions, his skin being grazed by the blade and leaving a bleeding cut.
“‘How did he…never mind.'” Sokka pondered, as he turned around and raced back into the forest to maintain the element of surprise.
As Usopp finally regained his senses, he could feel that Sokka was no longer there.
“Hehe, sucker. Now I’ll just very quietly find a boat and-“
BANG!
A gunshot blasted the sand up near Usopp’s feat, startling the sniper as he instinctively turned tail and ran into the woods.
As Usopp ran past the bushes, massive tree branches started falling from above. The first one Usopp dodged left a small crater in the ground, sending fear into the sniper’s bones as he redoubled his efforts to stay alive.
“YEAAAAAGGHHH!!!”
Sokka would never admit it, but that got a chuckle out of him as he hid in the treeline.
“Heehehehehehehe-wait, where’d he go?”
For Usopp had already escaped the trap a few seconds prior, and unbeknownst to Sokka had already begun constructing his counterattack.
“Great…” Sokka grumbled, as he grabbed hold of his makeshift rope and began swinging through the trees to catch up.
Tree by tree, Sokka rapidly made his way through the dense growth, oblivious to the fact that some of the vines he passed were moving.
“POP GREEN!”
In an instant, the tree Sokka landed on shed it’s brown coating and revealed itself as a monstrous Venus Flytrap, ensnaring Sokka in its tendrils and bringing him towards it massive jaws.
“Wait, you can control plants?!?”
From behind a tree Usopp emerged, a smug grin ear to ear on his visage.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“Do you know a guy named Huu?”
“Look, that’s not important. I’m not trying to kill you, alright?”
“Oh, yeah, sure. So I’m just imagining this giant plant about to eat me.”
“Hey, you tried to cut me open with a sword, it’s basic counterattacking!”
“Yeah…” Sokka trailed off, as he used his fingers to reach into his tunic, pulling out his trusty boomerang. Shifting his body to hide his back, he began quietly sawing away at the tendrils.
“So, how do you get plants like these anyway?”
“Secret island, it’s full of them. But, I’m not sure you could get there, it’s kinda out of the way.”
“Coulda been useful for defending my village. Then again, it probably wouldn’t work out anyway.”
“Because…?”
Sokka finally sliced through the last vine, and broke his restraints!
As the discarded stem pieces drifted to the earth, Sokka reached into his pack and pulled out a small bottle.
“They say cold air is bad for plants.”
Upon tossing the bottle at the flytrap, the frost within spread out, instantly encasing it in a two-foot-thick sheet of ice.
“Not bad, huh?”
Usopp was startled for a moment, but quickly regained his composure.
“Against a normal fighter, maybe. But these aren’t ordinary plants.”
The ice began to crack, and then without warning, the plant erupted from its icy tomb, angrier than ever.
“Oh, come on!” Sokka whined.
“These plants have survived the coldest regions of Punk Hazard, there’s no way they’d be stopped that easily!” Usopp boasted, as he readied another shot.
“Instant Death-Shuriken Star!”
A barrage of ninja stars hurtled towards the non-bender, who swung underneath the tree branch to avoid them and kicked forward to launch at Usopp. Undeterred, the sniper cocked another ball for launching, and released his Instant Death Smoke Star right in Sokka’s face. The collision generated a thick, soupy cloud of fog, obscuring the Water tribesman’s vision completely.
“Man…really?” Sokka complained, feeling around to try and find a marker to latch onto.
“You know, this isn’t exactly a warrior’s way to win, is it?”
“Then let me shed some light on the situation.”
Something hard was jammed into Sokka’s face. It felt cold, like a mix of metal and new-age technology, something very str-
“FLASH DIAL!”
With no warning, a blinding light erupted from the small dial straight into the unwary Sokka’s eyes, full-force. The warrior’s pupils instantly shriveled, and he felt a pressing desire to close his eyes for eternity to block out the pain.
“GAAAAHH!!”
While Sokka rubbed his eyes to try and make the pain go away, Usopp readied another slingshot attack. But as he nocked his weapon and prepared to fire, he was caught off guard by Sokka swinging his blade frantically in all directions, spinning so fast he turned into a tornado of death. His space sword instantly sliced anything it touched to ribbons as it edged closer to Usopp’s bare flesh.
Usopp attempted to shield himself with a nearby rock, only for it to be cut to pieces in moments.
“Well, there’s only one thing left to do!” Usopp proudly proclaimed.
He then bolted into another part of the forest.
With time to himself, Sokka eventually stopped spinning. His head was sore with dizziness, but he seemed to be uninterrupted.
“No, no, I’m not gonna chase him.” Sokka reprimanded to himself, as he paced around to think of a plan. Then his eyes happened to catch a glimpse of the massive plateau looming over him.
“Might be something good in there.”
His eyes shifted a little lower, squinting to see the numerous traps lining the mountainside.
“Methinks I’m hatching an idea…but how to get him over there…?”
He felt around in his tunic before pulling out a cluster of bombs.
“Oh yeah…that’ll do.”
As Usopp continued to run through the trees, he kept glancing back to see if he was being tailed.
Nothing.
“Looks like I lost him. That sword is crazy, why’d I let him make it?”
“Well…maybe Zoro could use it.”
…
“Nah.”
Usopp kept running, but there was no end to the forest in sight. He was motivated only by the fear of Marines hunting him, and the hope he’d find the water so-
BOOM!
A small explosion blasted Usopp to the side, right into a berry bush. As the sniper tried to get up, another bomb blasted him right back down to earth. And for the second time, he was force-fed pieces of the ground.
“You know, that is getting-pfft-really annoying!” Usopp complained, as he struggled to get to his feet and began running, away from the bombs that continued to pepper the ground with each step the sniper took.
As Usopp rounded the corner, he saw a massive boulder blocking his path with no way around, and no way to stop. Desperate, he nocked another slingshot round.
“SKULL EXPLODING GRASS!”
A small pellet shot towards the rock and made contact, exploding with deadly force and leaving naught but a skull emblem and a few pulverized chunks behind as Usopp surged past.
After some time, Usopp finally made it to a river too big to jump over, with no way across.
Pulling out a different seed, Usopp fired into the water and summoned a BOATY BANANA to carry him across. Grabbing the paddles, Usopp rowed faster than he had ever done before, speeding across at a supersonic pace.
Before he could get across, something sharp sliced right through the boat, causing it to leak air.
“Oh, that’s just great!” Usopp groaned, as his boat started to sink. He kept paddling in a futile effort to complete the crossing, but he wasn’t getting enough speed.
“‘It’s days like this when I’m REALLY glad I didn’t eat a Devil Fruit.'” Usopp reminisced, before diving into the water and beginning to swim.
The water was cold, and deeper than he thought. Fighting the rapids was draining his stamina quickly as he fought the current, and the other side seemed like it was an eternity away.
And the whole ordeal was made infinitely harder as more bombs were tossed into the river, creating explosions of water that forced the sniper to constantly change his trajectory to stay alive.
“Must…keep…hah…going…oh god, someone help me…”
Finally, Usopp slowly crawled onto the riverbank and inched his way onto dry land. He so desperately wanted to take a break, but he could see a shadow blotting out the sunlight above him, and knew that he had to keep going. After shaking himself dry, he took off once again towards the mountain.
In the trees above, a lone soldier, face coated with the markings of a warrior tribe, wass watching his adversary’s every move. The time to strike was nigh.
“Sniper King Usopp, prepare yourself. You’re about to get a front-row seat to Sokka style!”
stop music
After a long run, Usopp finally made it to the base of the mountain. He could see the marine base on top, but the path up was extremely jagged and unsafe.
“Well…guess I better start climbing.”
Usopp reached out to grab hold of the rock face, when he was suddenly stricken with a vision.
Within the rock, he could see hundreds of booby traps spread all over, except on the northwest side. The image lasted only a moment before it fizzled out.
“Was…was that the power of Observation?”
Usopp stepped back, and accidentally snapped a twig. The noise startled him badly enough to make him fall on his back, accidentally crushing his bag in the process.
“No, nonononono, please don’t be broken!” Usopp pleaded, as he scrounged around in his bag, relaxing as he saw that nothing was damaged.
“Whew…hello, what’s this?”
Some of Usopp’s dials had been armed by the collision, primed for use.
“Now THIS, I can use. Time to send a shock to his system!”
Usopp’s laughter trailed off as he set to work. He circled the mountain, tampering with the occasional rock here and there, until at last he was satisfied. With about half his supplies remaining in his bag, he returned to the safe patch, and began climbing.
“Let’s see him get past that.” Usopp boasted, as his fingers grabbed hold of the tiny chinks in the stone above.
Meanwhile, Sokka finally escaped the forest and stood at the base of the cliff, a mere speck next to the titanic marine base.
“Guess he’s up there already…in hindsight, maybe Aang’s crazy climbing dream wasn’t so crazy after all.”
Resigned to his fate, Sokka trudged to stand eye-to-eye with the rock, and then grabbed hold. With his other hand, he reached up to a chunk of stone a little below a tree branch.
KATHOOOM!!
The rock instantly exploded, and immeasurable pain shot through Sokka’s arm.
“AAAAGGHHHH!” Sokka screamed, rolling on the floor and clutching his useless arm as he tried to quell the pain.
After a few minutes allowed his bruised ego and body to heal, he reached up and grabbed another chunk of rock with his other arm.
“KYAAAAAAAHHH!!” Sokka cried out once again, as his other arm fell victim to the same excruciating torment from earlier.
“WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?”
“GAHAHAHAHAHA! GREETINGS, FOOLISH MORTAL!”
“Wh-who said that?”
“IT IS I, THE GOD OF THIS WORLD! EVERYWHERE, AND YET…NOWHERE.”
“BY NOW, YOU HAVE PROBABLY REALIZED THAT THIS STONE YOU ATTEMPT TO CONQUER, IS CURRRRSSSEED.”
“Th-there’s no s-such thing as c-curses…” Sokka stammered, looking every which way as fear crawled up his spine.
“YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING RIGHT NOW THAT THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS CURSES. AND YOU WOULD BE HORRIFICALLY WRONG! THE ENTIRE MOUNTAIN HAS BEEN ENCHANTED TO CAUSE YOU ETERNAL TORMENT THE LONGER YOU TRY TO TAME IT! UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU CAN FIND THE ONE SAFE ROUTE.”
“Hehe, that’s ni-“
“BUT DO NOT BECOME COMPLACENT! FOR AT THE TOP, AWAITS YOUR ULTIMATE DOWNFALL AND DEMISE! FLEE NOW, AND YOU MAY YET BE SPARED MY DIVINE WRATH!”
Halfway up the mountain, Usopp chuckled.
“I knew that Tone Dial was a nice touch. And by lining the mountain with Impact Dials, he’ll be too scared to climb up after me! I’m home free!”
“Now I just need to avoid the traps mysel-” Usopp continued, as his fingers accidentally grabbed and pulled a trip wire.
A wooden barrier gave way, releasing an avalanche of boulders tumbling down towards the sniper. With great dexterity, he jumped and weaved between most of the stones, but a lapse in attention caused the last one to hit him squarely in the chest, knocking him off the wall and sending him tumbling towards a painful splat.
Not one to give up, Usopp pulled out his slingshot and aimed at the wall.
“BAMBOO JAVELIN!”
A quartet of seeds penetrated the wall, instantly sprouting into a ladder of four bamboo shoots. Swiveling himself towards the mountain, Usopp barely grabbed hold of the lowest shoot before he plummeted.
stop music
And yet, Usopp couldn’t catch his breath long enough before he had to jump to the next shoot, the lower one slipping and falling to the ground. Like a monkey, he shimmied up until he could grab the rock face once again, preserving his life for a little longer.
“I wonder if he heard that…”
Unfortunately for the sniper, Sokka had, in fact, heard his battle cry, and finally spotted him at the very left edge of his peripheral vision.
“Oh, that guy is SO going down!”
start music
As Sokka reached the path Usopp began climbing, he steeled himself and placed his hand on the rock.
Five minutes later, when Sokka’s hand had recovered, he placed it slightly to the right, and was pleasantly surprised to feel no pain.
“Alright, NOW he’s going down. Just, had to get my bearings.”
Resolve steeling his grip, Sokka began climbing.
Far above him, Usopp’s knuckles were beginning to bleed from the strain, and his grip started to loosen. He almost resigned himself to falling to his death, until he saw a tiny alcove, just big enough to hold his body.
“Finally, a break!” Usopp muttered, thanking Eneru as he scuttled up the cliff and dragged himself into the dingy outlook. The space was tight, but he managed to swivel himself around and look out.
Then he looked down and noticed an all-too-familiar presence rushing up the cliff after him.
Breathing heavily, Usopp pulled out his Black Kabuto and loaded another round of shots.
“GREEN STAR-IMPACT WOLF!”
As Usopp fired, his shell twisted and reshaped itself in midair, eventually taking the visage of a hungry wolf, claws outstretched and fangs ready to tear into flesh.
“GAHHHH!” Sokka roared, mustering up his remaining strength and jumping to the side to narrowly avoid the wolf’s hungry embrace.
“So, you avoided that one. But you won’t dodge this!” Usopp countered, preparing yet another volley.
“TRIPLE WOLF STAR!”
From the slingshot came three wolves, covering all areas of escape. And this time, Sokka knew he couldn’t dodge it.
At least, not without some help.
“OK, boomerang…” Sokka pleaded, tying a string to the corner, “don’t let me down!”
With tremendous force, he threw his faithful weapon as high as he could, praying to Yue that it struck a stable point, and was immensely relieved when he felt it dig into the rock.
“I hope this WOORRRRKKSS!” Sokka pleaded, using the boomerang as leverage to run along the cliff, and then jumping!
The momentum carried him to the left, no longer touching the cliff, as he grazed the wolves’ claws by mere millimeters.
Usopp silently cursed, his attention off Sokka just long enough to miss the most crucial step in his plan. With all the momentum gained from the horizontal motion, Sokka swung back to the other side like a pendulum, building up more speed. Again and again he swung, getting higher each time, until finally he swung so high he was able to grab onto the edge of the mountain’s peak.
“Dammit!” Usopp cursed, as he grabbed the rock once again and began climbing.
“At least I’m almost up.”
“Famous last words.”
Usopp looked up to see Sokka, his foot right next to a small pebble.
“Oh no.”
“Oh, yes.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Wouldn’t what? Oh, you mean…this?”
With a kick, Sokka dislodged the rock and sent it tumbling down the cliff, springing every mine and trap along the way, until a massive avalanche was created.
“I hate you.”
The rocks instantly knocked Usopp off the wall, and this time the ground was coming up way too fast for him to consider using more bamboo.
“Only one shot…”
Usopp nocked another slingshot round, aimed at the ground, and prayed.
“TRAMPOLIA!”
Another seed shot into the ground, this time forming a bouncing plant. Usopp struck it with such tremendous force, that the recoil sent him skyrocketing, flying way past the mountaintop and up into the cloud barrier, and almost breached the exosphere before he began plummeting.
“WHOHOHOAHAHHHHH! JUST ONE CHANCE!”
Usopp pulled out a massive hammer and stretched out as far as he can. The rock was so close…
“GOLDEN POUND!”
Usopp struck the rock, and it dug into the stone as Usopp dangled over the edge. Before it could come loose, Usopp swung around the handle until he reached the top of his arc, jumped up, and cleared the ledge, dragging the hammer with him.
“Hah…hah…nice try…but you’re going to have to finish me…face to face.” Usopp panted.
“Fine with me.” Sokka countered, pulling out his sword.
The two stared each other down, fear no longer clouding their judgement. One way or another, the fight would be settled.
Suddenly, Sokka thrust his sword into the ground.
“Hu-“
Without warning, he then pulled it out, the rock dust flying into Usopp’s eyes and leaving him sightless.
“Heh, that’s a good trick.” Usopp complimented.
“I learned from the best.”
Without his eyes, Usopp extended the range of his other senses. And within his mind, he conjured a mental picture of the battle.
“‘Okay, this is good. Just gotta focus and-WOAH!'”
Usopp only just managed to dodge Sokka’s sword swipe, but it left a nasty gash on his shoulder that oozed blood.
“‘Alright, wasn’t ready that time. NOW, focus.'”
Relying on only his sixth sense, the sniper dodged and weaved through Sokka’s swipes, occasionally sneaking in a punch or two whenever the swordsman’s guard was open.
“‘He’s not leaving many openings. He didn’t lie about his training, at least…'”
Then he noticed that Sokka was pulling out more of his bombs, and taking the tops off.
“‘Not this time.'”
“INSTANT DEATH-GUNPOWDER STAR!”
A blast of volatile gunpowder coated Sokka’s body, sending him staggering backwards in shock. Unfortunately, the sudden movement caused some of the powder to fall into some of Sokka’s bombs.
“Oh…crud.”
KABOOOM!
The explosion blasted Sokka into the air, allowing Usopp to ready his hammer. As Sokka flew back down, Usopp winded up and-
“USOPP POUND!”
-SMASHED Sokka’s face.
Or at least, he was trying to do so. Because of the weapon’s deceptively light weight, Sokka only moved about two feet.
“Eh…hehehe…no hard feelings?”
He was swiftly answered by a kick to the stomach.
“Yeah…didn’t think so.”
Usopp tried to kick out, but Sokka backflipped away and pulled out his boomerang once again.
“Take this!” he yelled, tossing his boomerang at the sniper, who had to duck to avoid it.
“Oh, so you wanna play that game?”
“USOPP BOOMERANG!”
As Usopp threw his own bladed instrument, Sokka countered, resulting in a boomerang clash filling the air with a distinctive clang sound. But while Sokka’s returned to him, Usopp’s just collapsed to the ground.
“What’s that about?”
“Oh, uh…it doesn’t come back.”
“THEN WHY IS IT CALLED A BOOMERANG!?”
“Because…it sounded cooler?”
Aggravated, Sokka launched his boomerang at Usopp once again, but this time the sniper was prepared, pulling out his “massive” hammer and swinging it like a bat, knocking the boomerang away so that the water tribesman could no longer use it.
“Uh oh.” Sokka whispered, gulping.
Confidence in his glare, Usopp pulled out another round for his slingshot, and aimed true.
“INSTANT DEATH-ATLAS SUISEI!”
Four pellets shot from the slingshot, morphing together just as the Impact Wolf had to form a mighty Atlas beetle, its horns ramming into Sokka’s torso and almost skewering him completely.
“OOOooooooohhh…” Sokka groaned in pain, clutching his chest as he stared in horror at Usopp preparing another pellet for firing.
“Please, please spare me, I beg you, universe.”
As if on command, from behind Usopp came Sokka’s trusty boomerang, hitting the sniper’s head from behind and causing him to fire his next shot out into the ocean by mistake.
“That works. Thank you, boomerang!” Sokka cheered, as he ran over and delivered a flying punch to Usopp’s bruised head, before following up by sweeping Usopp off his feet with his club, gaining the high ground as he pressed the blade to Usopp’s throat.
stop music
“Looks like we’re back to where we started, huh?” Sokka deadpanned.
“Looks that way, on the surface. But, ah…I think it’s about time for a third act twist!” Usopp retorted defiantly, pulling out his Smoke Star pellet and dropping it on the ground.
As the ball exploded into an all-too-familiar mist torrent, Sokka tried to strike downward with a powerful chop, only to hit nothing. The smoke dissipated instantly, revealing from the shadows a man with a billowing cape and a somewhat gaudy mask.
“Behold, the King of Snipers, Sogeking!“
His introduction was succeeded by the sound of an angel’s choir, emitting from another Tone Dial.
(if rooting for Sogeking)
(If rooting for Sokka)
“Uh-huh. So, tell me, Mr. Sniper King…where did the other guy go?”
“Oh, ah…I spirited him away for his own protection!”
“Mmhmm, sure, yeah, I understa-SNEAK ATTACK!“
Sokka tried to kick at Usopp’s head, only to be stopped with ease as his arm was grabbed.
“Sneak attacks are generally more effective when you don‘t tell your opponent about them.”
“Yeah, that’s what Aang said. Silly me. But, what if, by chance, I have an ulterior motive?”
Sokka immediately spat in Sogeking’s face.
“What the heck were you planning to do with tha-OOOOWWWW!“
Sogeking held his…areas, as they swelled and roared with unimaginable pain after Sokka’s kick, allowing the warrior to slip away and make it to the very edge.
“You’re…gonna…pay for that….oooowwwww…” Sogeking squeaked, his voice rising a few octaves.
“You’re gonna have to catch me first.” Sokka countered, before hopping off the cliff.
“Oh yeah!? Well…” Usopp began, edging towards the edge of the cliff, “get a load of the Sogeking Parachute Star!“
Triumphantly, Sogeking jumped off and pulled a rip-cord, summoning a little parachute. Emphasis on the “little” part.
“Oh, boy…guess it’s time to start screaming.”
…
“YEAAAAAGGGGHHH!” Sogeking screamed as he began falling to his doom for the third time that day.
But the situation turned into an unexpected boon, for Sogeking could still see Sokka falling as well. And with that, the sniper king’s final, most brilliant idea was spawned.
Pulling two more rounds from his bag, he put one in the holster and aimed at the ground.
“HISSATSU-BOSHI! RAFFLESIA STAR!”
The pellet sank into the ground, and once again formed into a flower. However, this one had dull red petals with white dots, and was not exactly the most pleasant of floral growths.
With the first step completed, Sogeking nocked what he hoped would be the decisive shot to end the battle. Breathing deeply and focusing his senses, he uttered the phrase that would bring forth calamity.
“SUPER BIRDLIME BALL!”
This ultimate pellet spawned a thick blanket of goo, falling at high speed towards the Water tribesman. Unaware of the danger, Sokka only briefly turned to see the overwhelming substance about to smother him. He didn’t even have time to scream before he was struck, falling even faster until he dove face-first into the rafflesia plant with a resounding THUD, as Sogeking landed next to him.
“And thus ends another exciting journey for the hero of Sniper Island!”
“Uoorroooahhh…oh, my head…”
Sokka groggily opened his eyes and tried to move his head, only to find that he couldn’t move.
“Wha-” he mumbled, trying to wiggle his fingers, only to feel no haptic feedback. His arms and legs didn’t move either. He was completely stuck.
“What IS this stuff, anyway?”
“Bird guano.”
“…Ewwwwwww…”
“That’s nothing compared to what you’re sitting on.”
“Huh? Wait, why are you putting on nose plu-Oh, god, that’s foul!”
Sokka wanted his nose to shrivel up and fall off so he would never have to smell anything quite so repulsive again, but the best he could do was close his mouth.
“So, do you give up?” Sogeking asked in a nasally voice.
“Never!” Sokka roared, as he strained and struggled until his face turned dark blue, until at last he ran out of stamina and settled down.
“Okay, yeah, I give up.”
“Good. Then I might be able to help both of us get out of here.”
“Why?”
“Because…it would be a waste for someone as talented and determined as you to go out in a place like this.”
Sokka was silent. Then, after what seemed like a lifetime, he smiled.
“So, what do you have in mind?”
Sogeking was about to answer, until he heard the faint sound of undergrowth being squashed by heavy boots.
“Do you trust me?”
“…Yeah.”
“Good.”
“HISSATSU-BAKASUI BOSHI!”
stop music
A massive smoke cloud filled the air, surpassing the height of the nearby trees. And as the Marines came charging in, they saw Sogeking standing over the unmoving body of Sokka.
“It’s…it’s you! The Sniper King!”
“Yes…it is I.”
“Is…is he…” the Marine inquired, pointing to Sokka’s body.
“Yes.”
“Kill him!” the Marine soldier yelled, as the other Marines pointed their guns at the sniper.
He reached into his bag, only to see he was running extremely low on shells. But he did have two left.
With nothing left to lose, he pulled both out, nocked them, and fired in the span of a millisecond, releasing not only a cloud of smoke, but also a storm of spiked quills that dug into the Marines’ skin, causing them immense pain as they struggled to pull them out.
With the distraction, Sogeking grabbed the clean part of the rafflesia and bolted into the woods. It was slow going due to the flower’s weight, but there were no obstacles to get in his way on the path to the beach.
As the sniper broke through the treeline and at last made it to clear skies, he still couldn’t see any signs of friend or foe. Working quickly, he tossed the flower into the water with the still-sleeping Sokka aboard, and pulled out his last ace in the hole: A Breath Dial.
“If there were any time for my luck to run out, please don’t let it be now!” Sogeking begged, as he slapped the dial on the glue-coated part of the flower, and set it to activate.
“There he is, get him!” the Marines yelled as they broke through, firing their guns in unison. The bullets all closed in on the sniper, who had no other choice but to bend backwards to avoid the shots. While he did survive, his clothes got stuck on the glue, so now his mobility had taken a hit.
“Come on, come on…” Usopp pleaded, as the Marines prepared to fire again.
KASWOOSH!!
The Breath Dial finally activated and launched the flower at lightspeed, leaving the island behind in a flash as the second round of bullets whizzed by uselessly.
The soldiers lowered their weapons and stared at each other with looks of intense discomfort.
“The vice-admiral isn’t going to like this…”
: Aw, that’s kinda wholesome.
: Yeah. Now we should draw them teaming up to destroy the cornerstones of society and bring about a new tyrannical oligarchy.
: You are so vindictive.
: I know, it’s a bad habit. Regardless, Sogeking won this one, so we should talk about it.
: Oh, come on, how long are we going to-
: Since Sogeking is the absolute champion of snipers in the One Piece world, it makes a lot of sense that he should scale to Usopp, especially since Usopp has occasionally fallen back on Sogeking to solve problems he could not.
: Unfortunately, because of pesky statements by Oda, it’s sort of difficult to really scale Usopp to other Post-Timeskip characters. Which honestly is kinda dumb considering he’s a character who actually focuses on combat unlike Nami, but whatever.
: However, we can scale Usopp to feats in the Pre-Timeskip era at least, considering he should be relatively superior right now to most of the Straw Hats during that time. Starting with strength, Usopp in Punk Hazard was capable of one-shotting Buffalo with a single slingshot attack. Buffalo is on par with Dressrosa Colosseum fighters like Sai, Ideo, and importantly, Elizabello II, whose non-fully charged King Punch can reach 5.83639 Megatons of TNT. This easily puts Usopp in the Small City+ tier of power, but he could arguably be pushed even higher.
Going back to the pre-timeskip era, there are actually a decent chunk of feats that could get even higher.
Dorry and Brogy killing an island devouring monster, with Base Luffy trading blows with Dorry.
Crocodile stopping rain from falling on Alabasta for several years (calced at Large Island Level)
Shiki lifting entire islands into the sky and holding them up with his power.
Luffy almost cutting an island-sized turtle in half in the Karakuri Castle movie.
Now, granted, Usopp almost certainly doesn’t scale to Shiki seeing as Luffy needed Gear Third to win, but most of the other feats are early enough in the series that Usopp can scale to them, just via the training he did during the timeskip.
: Speed is sort of hard to determine, but Usopp should almost certainly be capable of lightning timing, seeing as he should be far above Enies Lobby Nami, who can keep up with Kalifa, who can dodge lightning. However, there are also some potential Relativistic+ to FTL feats Usopp can scale to, such as Long Ring Long Land Luffy being able to dodge the light-based Noro Noro Beam, or scaling to characters that can dodge Kuma’s Pad Cannon which is said to fire attacks at the speed of light. That said, these might be somewhat dubious to scale Usopp to, so at least Massively Hypersonic+ seems fine.
: As for Sokka, well…this isn’t going to be pretty.
Okay, to be completely fair, Sokka can also scale to lightning-timers due to frequently keeping up with benders in speed. Some might claim that lightningbending isn’t real lightning since it doesn’t come from a cloud to ground source, but considering lightningbenders can actually absorb lightning from clouds, and in fact use said lightning as a training tool, the lightning shot from benders should likely be fairly comparable. That, and we’re trying to give Sokka the best chance possible here, so let’s do it.
: With that said, even the highest calcs of lightning dodging for Avatar only cap at a little below Mach 600, about half the speed of Usopp without taking into consideration that Usopp upscales from the feat in question. And, well…this is the closest stat between them.
: Going over to AP, Sokka is fairly comparable to other non-benders like Ty Lee, as his head was able to hurt her arm when she punched it. Ty Lee is about equal to Suki, who kicked over a human-sized rock statue, and Sokka with his space sword could outright cut one of these statues in half, which puts him at about Wall Level. It could also be argued he scales to benders to some degree, who have feats in the Multi-City Block range such as bringing down a portion of the Ba Sing Se Wall or holding up Wan-Shi-Tong’s library, but generally Sokka is almost always fodderized when he seriously attempts to fight strong benders like these, and whether a bender’s physical durability is on par with their max bending output is sort of hard to determine. Still, for the benefit of the doubt, assuming Sokka does scale to high-tier benders physically, he would still be at minimum 5,800 times weaker than even Usopp’s lowest feasible scaling.
: With a stat disparity that large, Sokka really isn’t going to do any sort of lasting damage to Sogeking, since Usopp can also scale physically due to frequently tanking big hits. And looking at the tertiary characteristics is not favorable to Sokka either.
: Speaking on stamina, Sogeking absolutely annihilates Sokka. Sogeking is comparable to Usopp, who was able to survive having his skull broken by Mr. 4 and still managed to win, on top of frequently engaging in large army battles on Fishman Island and Dressrosa without taking a break. And while Sokka has fought for extended periods of time in the Day of Black Sun invasion, his feats of stamina definitely don’t compare to what Usopp is capable of.
: Intelligence, skill, and strategy, however, is pretty even. Both characters have good showings of defeating characters physically far superior to them, and Sokka might even have his own advantage due to being successfully able to plan an invasion of the Fire Nation, as well as stop Ozai’s warships from burning down the Earth Kingdom. Regardless, the winner isn’t really determined just from these.
: Sogeking obviously exceeds Sokka in versatility, simply due to the number of different slingshot rounds he’s packing. He can create a boat, a trampoline, carnivorous plant traps, exploding skull grass bombs, sleeping gas, gunpowder, fire, and much more, while Sokka is primarily limited to his sword, boomerang, bombs, club, and other miscellaneous melee weapons, which offer far less options for Sokka to counteract if he gets put in a tight spot (which he definitely would be in against an opponent like this).
: In terms of who has the advantage at which range, it’s sort of split down the middle, with Sogeking dominating long range and Sokka dominating close range. Due to Sokka’s training from the Kyoshi Warriors and Piandao, Sokka is extremely accomplished at close range swordfighting, even being able to keep up with Piandao for a long while in spite of his lack of experience. And compared to Sogeking’s hammer, Sokka’s weapon is far more deadly. However, when it gets to long range, the tables shift dramatically. Sokka has very few things that give him any sort of range game, limited to only his boomerang and a small cache of bombs. Sogeking, meanwhile, not only has his own boomerang, but a series of slingshot rounds that can travel kilometers of distance, allowing him to easily snipe Sokka from anywhere in the arena. And given Sogeking’s speed advantage, running away and attacking from a distance is a lot more likely than Sokka getting the fight into close-quarters long enough to get any meaningful hits in.
: Look, we could go on and talk about some other aspects, but I think it’s pretty clear that Sogeking just takes pretty much all the advantages here. With greater strength, speed, durability, versatility, stamina, and range game, the sniper god definitely proved himself superior.
: Sokka just kan’t catch a break.
: The winner is Sogeking!
Winner (Sogeking):
+Physically stronger.
+Much faster.
+Far more versatile.
+Greater experience fighting large-scale wars.
+MASSIVE edge in stamina.
+Dominated at long range.
=Intelligence and strategy
-Inferior at close range.
Loser (Sokka):
+Is the one true master of the boomerang.
+Far better close-range fighter.
=Intelligence and strategy.
-Everything else.
Epilogue…
Out in the open ocean, the two warriors drifted, still stuck to the giant rafflesia with no idea where they were.
“So…you got any more brilliant ideas?” Sokka grumbled.
“Hey, maybe showing me some gratitude for saving your life would be nice!”
“As far as I’m concerned, we’re even.”
Sogeking just turned his back in annoyance, staring out into the sea.
“But…thanks.”
The two were silent as they drifted for another few minutes.
Then, as Sogeking stared into the sky, he saw a tiny shadow silhouetted against the clouds.
“Huh…wonder what that is.”
Sogeking shifted his sniper goggles over his eyes to see-
“A giant flying buffalo?”
“Wait, what?! Lemme see!”
Complying, Sogeking put the goggles over the water tribe swordsman’s eyes, only for him to giggle with glee.
“It’s Appa!”
“You know him?”
“Yeah, he belongs to my friend Aang! Quick, scream and get his attention!”
The sniper shrugged, before turning around.
“ALIDOLIDIIDIDIDIDLDLDOOOOOO!”
“AAAAAAAANNNNGGGGGG!”
The two continued to scream over and over until their voices grew hoarse and scratchy, but they didn’t seem to be heard.
But Sogeking did have one final idea. Taking his last round from his bag, he aimed at the sky and fired.
His Fire Bird Star reached the clouds and exploded outward in the shape of a phoenix, lighting up the world with its radiance and finally catching Aang’s attention.
stop music
“Hey, there’s something in the water! Appa, yip yip!”
The sky bison roared as he descended towards the water, the flower coming more into focus.
“Aang, Aang, I think that’s Sokka!”
“Sokka?”
The two teens aboard the Sky Bison cheered and started crying, yelling Sokka’s name.
“Looks like they know you.” Sogeking whispered.
“Hey, hey guys! Oh, you have no idea how good it is to see yo-!”
Sokka was interrupted by a jet of water slapping him across the face, leaving a bruise.
“Ow! Katara, what’s your problem!?”
“My problem? Let’s talk about you and YOUR problems! You’ve been missing for an entire day, and no note! The village has been worried sick about you!”
“I didn’t exactly have much choice, considering I was kidnapped!”
“Kidnapped?”
Katara finally took notice of Sogeking on the flower.
“Was it by this guy!?” Katara screeched, her water jet threatening to cut off the sniper’s head.
“Whoawhoawhoa, easy!” Sogeking pleaded, as he took of his mask to reveal himself as Usopp (gasp!).
“I was a victim too!”
Katara still looked unconvinced, but did dissipate the water blade.
“Wow, Sokka, you ah…you really stink.” Aang deadpanned, holding his nose.
“Yeah, I noticed. So how about working your Avatar magic and getting me out?”
“I would, but you were the one who was against me learning gluebending. Well…maybe I could burn the glue off?”
“And me with it? Noooo thank you!”
“Beggars can’t be choosers.”
“Wait, wait, I think I have something to get rid of the glue back on my ship.” Usopp interjected.
“YOUR ship?” Katara accused.
“Yes, my pirate ship. For I am Captain Usopp, of the Usopp Pirates! And if you return me there safely, I promise you will be rewarded handsomely.” Usopp grandstanded, delivering a wink along with it.
“Mmhmm…alright then, CAPTAIN Usopp, YOU’RE going to point the way. And if you try to trick us, your crew is going to need a new captain.” Katara demanded, her voice icy cold as she dragged the flower onto Appa’s saddle.
“Eh heh…right, of course…uh, my ship has a lion’s head on the front, so just fly around until you see it.”
“You mean you don’t even know where it is?” Aang groaned.
“I didn’t really get to send my location to them before I got captured.”
“Huh…well, I guess there is one idea.” Aang offered, pulling out a bead string with four talismans attached.
“I made this to communicate with my past lives. Maybe one of them can tell us how to find the ship.” Aang noted, as he sat down and began to meditate.
“Oh, come on, there’s no way that can actually wo-what the hell is that!?“
A bearded old man suddenly emerged from Aang’s body, draped in red garb and cloaked in an ethereal blue light.
“G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!“ Usopp shrieked, trying to hit Roku with his slingshot.
“Hey, hey, what are you doing, stop! Roku’s a friend!” Katara insisted, trying to pull Usopp away.
“Forget it! I dealt with ghosts before, they’re never a good sign!”
As the two struggled for supremacy, Aang turned back to Roku, who had taken on a more natural shade.
“Aang, it is good to see you again. How can I be of assistance?”
“Roku, I need to find a certain ship so I can help my friend.”
“Well…it is rather unusual, but I will see if can honor this request. What does this ship look like?”
“It has a lion’s head on the front.”
“Hmm. You mean, like that ship down there?”
“Huh?”
The quartet looked down to see a tiny ship coming at them from below.
“Whattya know?” Usopp chimed in.
“Ah, thanks again, Roku.” Aang added, waving to Roku. The ancient Avatar spirit waved back as he disappeared back into the medallion, and Aang took Appa’s reins to fly down.
Meanwhile, on the Sunny, the Straw Hats noticed the massive sky bison flying towards them, and on the saddle they saw-
“USOPP!!!!”
A hand reached out several meters and grabbed hold of the saddle, allowing Luffy to slingshot his way on top.
He had tears streaming all over his face and snot coming out of his nose, but his smile was the widest Usopp had seen in a long time.
“It’s good to see you too, Luffy-san!”
Unfortunately, Luffy chose to hug Usopp, and found himself stuck.
“Shishishishi, sorry!”
“Oh, great, now all three of us need to get unstuck!” Sokka groaned, as everyone on board the ship started laughing heartily.
As the three incapacitated fighters were carried into Chopper’s medical bay, Aang and Katara hesitantly slid off Appa’s back and onto the ship deck.
“Wow, REAL pirates. Kinda crazy.” Aang noted.
“At least they seem nice.” Katara added.
“Ahem.”
The two turned to see Sanji striding towards them.
“M’lady?”
“Yes?”
“Would you care for a meal?”
“Oh, well…yeah, that would be great!”
Sanji nodded.
“‘Oh, viva-lady!'”
Aang walked around, examining the ship bow to stern.
“You know, this ship almost looks like something the Mechanist would make. If he was here, I bet he’d love it!”
“Ohhhh…do you think I could meet him sometime?” Franky asked, clapping his hand on Aang’s back.
“Ah, sure. It’s kind of a long trip to the Northern Air Temple though.”
“Well, if you gave me some directions I could…”
The two walked off, continuing to discuss.
“You know, they seem nice.” Robin commented, taking a break from her book.
“Yeah…maybe we should ask if they have treasure!” Nami suggested, her eyes turning into berry symbols, only for her to get smacked across the head by Zoro.
“Right, sorry.”
About a couple hours later, Chopper had finally dislodged the trio from the flower, and had tossed it into the ocean.
“Hey, thanks, little…reindeer man?”
“Aw, hehe, shut up! I don’t need your praise…” Chopper replied bashfully, wiggling back and forth with silent joy.
“Guess that’s it, huh.” Sokka noted, as he turned to face Usopp.
“You know, even though we kinda tried to…well, kill each other…I’m glad this happened.”
Sokka held out his hand, no hesitation in his moves.
“Heh, me too.” Usopp replied, shaking it with confidence.
With that, the duo went outside, seeing Aang and Katara already on board Appa with a good supply of food.
“Hey Sokka, can you believe they actually had lychee nuts?” Aang called out.
“Well, at least this trip wasn’t a waste of time then.”
Sokka climbed on and leaned back on the saddle, taking a breather.
“Let’s try and meet up again sometime in the future, alright?” Sokka offered. “After all, I’ll be training for our rematch, ‘King of Snipers’.”
“Count on it.”
With everything said and done, Team Avatar rose along with Appa, and flew off into the dawn’s early light.
Usopp, too focused on waving them off, only now noticed that he was holding something in his hands. When he took a closer look, he saw it was a small game piece with a white flower on it.
“A white lotus…” Robin breathed.
“Something tells me this goes a lot deeper than I thought.” Usopp muttered, as he stared off into the aether.
“What could you be hiding…?”
: What indeed…
: Probably nothing, and it’s just a throwaway scene you put in to attempt at making some kind of farce of coherent consistent worldbuilding.
: You’re not wrong, it just kinda hurts.
: You’re literally representing yourself with an edgy black hedgehog, you deserve this.
: And that’s why starting now I made this new avatar. From an edgy black hedgehog…
: To an edgy clusterfuck anime boi I made with some rpg maker website!
: I fail to see the improvement here.
: There isn’t. But at least now it’s original crap.
: Wait, are you replacing me too! This job is all I have until Bowser’s Fury comes out!
: Not now. But…you never know. I would need to figure out how to make non-cringe OCs, which requires skills gained from ancient Deviantart masters. Until then, sayonara everyone.
“Cut da buttah, smaht guy! Youse keep sending me these lameo monstahs just slackin’ on the job, and Kirbeh keeps gettin’ the uppah hand! I send you the dough so you put on the show, but lemme tell ya, ‘dem third act twists just ain’t cuttin’ the mustahd!”
“Sorry, 3D, I just can’t send your our top of the line monsters because we’d never make our investment back. Maybe if you paid your bills every once in a while we could be persuaded?”
“Shore, and Escargoonie ovah here gon’ start flappin’ through da aih like a birdeh?”
“Well, sire, who knows, maybe I got wings under m’shell that you just can’t se-“
“Oh, hush up!”
King Dedede, money-grubbing monarch of Dreamland, picked up his wooden mallet and thumped his servant Escargoon on the noggin, as an ugly looking welt sprouted between his eyestalks.
“Sorry, sire, my bad.”
“But, maybe you do have a point, king. Maybe these monsters we’re sending you just aren’t quite tough enough to do the job.”
“That’s whuh I’ve been sayin’, fool!”
“Yes, well…we’ve recently come into contact with a rather generous benefactor, who’s graciously agreed to cooperate with us in our efforts to, shall we say, put an end to the little pink puffball? He’s sending a battalion of his finest troops to you to help out.”
“Whuzzat? He’s sendin’ an ahmy? Finally! Some good ol’ fashioned firahpowah to replace them dopey l’il Waddle Dees! Dem chumps’ prolly da reason I ain’t able to clobbah Kirby!”
“Right.”
“Send ’em over, pronto!”
“Well, there is one small hitch.” the customer service representative added, adjusting his glasses.
Suddenly, Dedede’s throne room began shifting, as the ceiling and floor opened up to reveal a complicated machine, used for transporting monsters directly from Nightmare Enterprises. The transporter began glowing with power, filling the entire room with a flash of light.
When they could see again, Dedede and Escargoon peered at the transporter. Resting on the podium was a single controller.
“Huh?” Dedede puzzled, as he picked up the device. “Is the monstah undah here?”
“Sorry, 3D, that’s just the controller for the actual monsters. You see, they’re not really organic, like the baddies we’ve been sendin’ you. No, these are full-on hardened machines you’ll have on your hands, and they only respond to this remote. So, try not to lose it.”
“You got it, monstah man! Les’ get this robotical revo-lution started!”
“Sure thing, king. Only problem is we’ve got so many of these guys that we can’t send them via the transporter. We have to airlift them in from a remote off-world location. But trust me, when they arrive they’ll make Kirby’s pink and red look like black and blue! If you catch my drift.”
“Smooth as silk!”
The halls of Castle Dedede were filled with the trio’s maniacal laughter. However, outside the door, a lone masked warrior was listening in.
“Hmm…this could be a problem.”Jedi Temple, Coruscant…
“General Kenobi, thank you for coming in.” said Jedi Master Mace Windu.
“Of course. Although I must say, I was rather enjoying Felucia. I might have to vacation there when this war ends.”
“Well, if you’re in the mood for visiting exotic locations, we have something you might be interested in.” another master, Ki-Adi-Mundi, added.
The holographic image display on the table shifted to reveal a map of the galaxy.
“We’ve recently gotten reports of a massive shipment of battle droids to one planet in particular. It’s known as Planet Popstar.”
“Hmm…I don’t believe I recall. Is it in the Outer Rim?”
“Actually, it’s not in this galaxy at all. It’s in an uncharted region of the universe, but the Separatists have recently set up trade routes with one of the organizations out there.”
“Why would they do that? There’s nothing out there.”
The other members of the council looked at each other with unease, before turning back to Obi-Wan.
“We…recently discovered, that Popstar is indeed inhabited.”
“Of course Dooku would send droids to attack innocent people. Are there no depths he won’t sink to?”
“Regardless, we need you to head out there, and see if you can stop the battle droid threat before it begins.”
“And I suppose I’ll be going alone?”
“Best to not make them nervous.”
“Right. I’ll prepare a ship immediately.”
“May the Force be with you.” Mace concluded, with Obi-Wan bowing in respect as the holograms of the Council went dark.
“So much for retiring to my quarters. But, I suppose it should make a good story for Anakin when I return.” said Obi-Wan Kenobi, clad in white robes and light clone armor, sporting a luxurious brown beard, a lightsaber strapped to his belt.
As Kenobi strode through the hallowed halls of the Jedi Temple, he couldn’t help but feel a bit remorseful. It had been almost two weeks since Ahsoka had departed the Jedi Order after Barriss Offee had framed her for bombing the temple, and he still couldn’t help but feel like the council had made the wrong decision in doubting her to begin with. Even now, he sensed darkness in the galaxy, and an upcoming shift in the balance.
He tried to put it off to the side as he veered towards the hangar, his ship awaiting him in the docking bay.
“Hopefully by succeeding here, I can bring the war to a swifter end.” Kenobi mused, as his starfighter shot out of the bay doors and reached Coruscant’s atmosphere in moments. Punching in the coordinates Mace gave him, Obi-Wan guided his ship into the hyperspace ring, before taking off.
Popstar Atmosphere…
As Obi-Wan’s ship exited hyperspace, he bore witness to Popstar in his full glory. A magnificent five pointed star-shaped celestial body, orbited by twin glowing rings.
“Rather unique, I must say.” Obi-Wan noted, as he guided his shuttle down to the planet’s surface, safely landing in a thicket of trees next to a massive stone monument. As the engines died, Obi-Wan opened the cockpit glass and silently leaped out and onto the ground, accompanied by the sound of leaves blowing in the wind.
“Now, to find those battle droids.”
“Hold on…young warrior.”
“Hmm?”
As Obi-Wan turned around, he saw the stony face begin to move, as the mouth opened and closed.
“I have been waiting for you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
“How do you know who I am?”
“I know all that there is to know. For I am Kabu, the seer.”
“Oh. Brilliant. More prophecies. And for the record, I’m not that young anymore.”
“My apologies, warrior. When you are as ancient as I, everything seems a little young.”
“So, then…what business do you have with me?”
“I know you seek…the battle droids.”
“Yes…”
“You will find them…on the far side of these woods. But, be careful. For there are those on our world who will seek your destruction, should you continue on this path.”
“I’m aware. But I must fulfill my duties to the Jedi and this galaxy, by keeping this planet safe.”
“As expected from a wise master, such as yourself. Simply follow the path of the Star Warrior, and you will arrive where you wish to be. Good luck…”
With that, Kabu fell silent, and moved no more.
“Path of the Star Warrior…hmm, perhaps the Force will guide me.”
Kenobi closed his eyes, and reached out with his palm to attune with the Force around him. The connection was a bit weaker here than in his home galaxy, but eventually he felt a tug pointing him in the southwest direction, into the blackest part of the woods.
“Am I sure this is the right way?” Kenobi whispered.
A mechanical rhythm sounded off, very faint, but consistent. The sound of droid footsteps.
“Ah, there we go.”
With a shake of his head, Kenobi began running through the woods at speeds that would make a Keeradak blush, making his way towards the site of what was soon to be an epic battle.
Castle Dedede, 1 hour earlier…
“Aw this is swell! Mah robits dun arrived right on schedule!” Dedede bellowed, as he gazed over his hall lined with B1 and BX droids. “Now all I gotta do is figger awt howta staht this controlla!”
“You know, sire, if I hadn’t been around you for 10 years I wouldn’t know what the heck you were sayin-“
KA-THUNK!
“Do ya know how to undahstand that, Escargoonie?”
“Well actually, I’m not sure I can understand anythin’ with that ringin’ in my ears.”
“Aw, hush up. Now lemme see here…well, there’s this big ol’ button that says Staht here, maybe das it!”
“Gee, ya think?” Escargoon retorted against his better judgement, receiving another smack from Dedede’s hammer in response, before the penguin pushed the button.
The battle droids stirred to life row by row, before standing at attention.
“We await your orders, sir.” the Super Tactical Droid Kalani said.
“This be some Dededelightful circumstances y’all find yerselves in, for we’s about to be embarkin’ on what I like to call a “authoritarian establishment operation”. Some o’ these locals are gettin’ a bit too big for ‘dem britches and I need y’all to rough ’em up a bit. Remind ’em who’s king round here! And if you see any pink puffy pint-size patsies struttin’ around you give ’em the business end o’ your lasehs there, got it?”
“Roger roger.” the droids responded in unison, before making an about-face turn and striding through the door. Beginning their descent down to the main entrance, their monotonous clanking footsteps echoed through the vast halls of the castle.
Sitting up from her bed, Tiff turned on the lights and shook Tuff on his shoulder.
“Huh…?”
“Tuff, wake up!”
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Do you hear that?”
Tuff paused for a second and strained his ear, before shaking his head.
“I bet King Dedede has ordered another monster to get rid of Kirby!” Tiff grumbled.
“You know, Tiff, not everything that happens in Dreamland is because of Dedede. Maybe he’s just sleepin’ in, like you should be.” Tuff chastised, before going back under his covers.
“Ooooh…fine! If you wanna stay in your warm bed, then good for you! I’m going to find Kirby!” Tiff whispered, swiveling out of bed and racing to open the door. She swung it open to find-
“Kerbee will be safe. I will watch over him. You need your rest.”
“But-“
Meta Knight fixed her with a piercing glare.
“Okay.” Tiff mumbled, climbing back into bed as Meta Knight closed the door and faced the window.
“Sword Knight! Blade Knight!”
“Sir!”
“Soranrightsoma, ready!”
“There is work to be done.”
With that, the trio jumped out the window, and disappeared into the night.
Edge of Whispy Woods…
As the sun peaked out over the horizon, Obi-Wan finally broke through the forest barrier and stood on a hill, overlooking Dreamland.
“Well, it is rather quaint.” Obi-Wan observed, taking note of the humble Cappy Town and the crystal-clear ocean. “But charming. Perhaps it would be a fine place to relax when this war ends.”
Obi-Wan’s thoughts were interrupted by the sight of several hundred robotic warriors about a mile away, clustered on a hill occupied by a grand castle.
“And there are the battle droids, I suppose. Just another day saving the universe, I suppose.”
As Obi-Wan prepared to spring off the cliff-
“Halt!”
Obi-Wan just barely managed to keep his footing as he slowly turned to face the source of the command.
“Yes…?” Obi-Wan questioned, looking to the left and right, seeing no one.
“Ah…”
Then he looked down.
“Ah, hello there. How can I be of assistance?”
“What is your…perpose, in thees place?”
“Ah, well, I’m simply here to relieve you of your invasion problems. I take it you don’t want an army of bloodthirsty droids attacking your home?”
“Hmm…”
“Although, since you were so intent on stopping me, perhaps you could tell me what you’re doing here.”
“I am simply here to observe.” Meta Knight replied, watching as Obi-Wan took out a pair of binoculars and scanned the horizon.
“‘Perhaps he can be of great help in training Kerbee to defeat NME. Or, he could be a monster in disguise. There is only one way to be sure.'” Meta Knight pondered, his hand reaching to his side.
“Well, it was nice getting to meet you, but I must be on my way.” Obi-Wan concluded, preparing to leave.
“You should be safe over here-“
That was when the tip of a sword pressed into his back.
“Well, then…this complicates things.” Obi-Wan said, chuckling as the point dug in further.
“So, it seems like you don’t exactly desire to assist me.”
“I simply do as my king commands. Nothing more.”
“Well, then, don’t you think I deserve at least a fair trial before his Majesty?”
“We do not follow that sort of system here. However…” Meta Knight continued, gazing at the saber attached to Obi-Wan’s hip, “I see that you too are a warrior skilled with the blade. Perhaps an arrangement can be made after all.”
“Do tell.”
“We will duel. If you can defeat me, I will let you go. Otherwise, you will surrender to his Majesty, King Dedede of Dreamland.”
“Well,” Obi-Wan pondered, “I don’t really have much choice, do I?”
“You can try to run. But you will not get very far.”
“Running away isn’t really my style. I’m more of a ‘tactical retreat’ sort of individual. But, if you insist…”
In one move, Obi-Wan pulled out his saber, activated it, and slashed at Meta Knight, who backflipped over the blade and landed a few feet away.
With his weapon drawn, Obi-Wan shifted into his preferred Soresu stance, fingers pointed at Meta Knight, while the Star Warrior held his blade with both hands.
“Prepare yourself! I will not hold back! For I am Meta Knight, of the Star Warrior force!”
“Very well, Meta Knight. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. And I am afraid that I cannot allow you to win. The fate of this planet is at stake.”
“‘More than you can realize…'” Meta Knight agreed silently.
At first, neither of them made a move. They simply surveyed each other as they walked in a circle, waiting for the other to strike.
Ultimately they stopped where they had begun, as the sound of falling leaves echoed in the forest. As the last petal detached and drifted softly down to earth…
Meta Knight struck!
Quick as lightning, the Star Warrior slashed at the Jedi Master, who countered with a swift parry that pushed the masked fighter back. Undeterred, Meta Knight struck once again, this time aiming low to cut into Obi-Wan’s stomach. As Obi-Wan attempted to counter the blow once again, Meta Knight pushed off the ground to soar over the Jedi’s head, delivering a grazing slash to his tunic as he passed over.
But before Meta Knight could land, Obi-Wan twirled around at high speed and delivered a swift, strong kick to the Star Warrior, knocking him off balance and into a nearby tree.
Meta Knight barely had time to regain his focus before Obi-Wan slashed the tree in two, mere inches from where Meta Knight stood. The failure to hit Meta Knight presented an opportunity for him to perform a sweeping kick, sending Obi-Wan tumbling to the ground with Galaxia aimed at his chest.
“Do you yield?” Meta Knight questioned.
“I’ll admit, you are quite strong. But power alone has no value without strategy.” Obi-Wan countered, before pushing outward with his hands.
A telekinetic blast smashed into Meta Knight’s body, launching him through five trees before slamming his head on a thick oak.
“Oh…what was that power?” Meta Knight mumbled, still dazed.
“That, my flying friend, was the power of the Force. It surrounds and binds us together, and grants those who heed its call with great power. Perhaps if I had a few years I could teach you.”
“That…is unnecessary.”
“Are you sure? You seem like someone very attuned with the universe. It likely wouldn’t take too long for you to master-“
Before Obi-Wan could finish, Meta Knight swooped in and sliced at the Jedi’s hand, knocking the saber to the floor and leaving a gash on his palm, all in the blink of an eye.
“Hmph. If you have enough time to talk, then you have enough time to sharpen your skills. You will not be able to save anyone with techniques like that!”
“You know, typically it’s polite to let your adversary finish before you strike them.”
“I am not like most opponents. A lesson you should understand right away.”
“Well, in that case…”
Obi-Wan thrust his hand upward, using the Force to lift the off-guard Meta Knight into the air, before swinging him around and slamming him into the ground like a ragdoll, before ultimately launching him into a massive boulder, cracking it on impact.
“Perhaps you should pay more attention as well.”
When Meta Knight did not rise to his feet, Obi-Wan assumed the fight was over and turned to leave, sheathing his lightsaber. But as he began to walk away…
“‘DODGE!'”
The Force vision came just in time, allowing Obi-Wan to duck under Meta Knight’s surprise slash from behind, and counter with his own Force Push that Meta Knight only barely managed to block with Galaxia, letting him safely land on a nearby branch.
“Your ‘Force’ seems to be full of surprises!” Meta Knight noted.
“And there are far more in store, if you choose to continue!” Obi-Wan retorted, readying his saber once again.
“I will take my chances.”
With his last words spoken, Meta Knight surged forward to meet Obi-Wan’s slash, and the two once again began their dance of blades, twirling and slashing and clashing, as the sparks flew around them and caused the brush underfoot to ignite. Yet the burning landscape did nothing to dissuade them from battle, as they simply retreated to the trees and continued to fight.
Meta Knight attempted to slice at Obi-Wan’s exposed stomach, but his sword simply glanced off Obi-Wan’s hastily constructed Force Barrier, allowing the Jedi to use the momentum to deliver a spinning slash at Meta Knight’s Galaxia, knocking it out of his hand in kind.
But before Obi-Wan could take advantage, Meta Knight threw his cape into Obi-Wan’s face, blinding the Jedi long enough for him to retrieve his blade.
“Not very sporting of you, trying to distract your opponent!” Obi-Wan grumbled, striking at Meta Knight’s torso and meeting a blade lock in return.
“Perhaps if you can’t handle it, you should retire and leave the fighting to those better suited!” Meta Knight retaliated, delivering a swift kick to Obi-Wan’s midsection, followed by a downward strike with Galaxia’s pommel that left the Jedi dazed for a brief moment, allowing Meta Knight to kick him hard enough to knock Qui-Gon’s apprentice off the cliff.
And yet, there was no sound on the way down.
“Hmm?”
The Star Warrior walked to the edge and looked down, but saw no sign of Obi-Wan’s body on the ground below.
“I wonder where he went…I don’t sense his presence, nearby.”
“Hello there!”
Meta Knight turned to witness Obi-Wan striding atop his Y-wing bomber, a smug look on his face.
“Long time no see!” Obi-Wan joked.
“I see you have taken my advice to heart, and decided to retreat?”
“Well, you’re half right. I have taken your advice, but moreso the part where you implied that you should utilize any advantage given to you.”
“Impressive. But if you believe you are the only one who can fly, you are mistaken!” Meta Knight countered, as from his back emerged a pair of twin bat wings, flapping to allow Meta Knight to take to the skies and face Obi-Wan head-on.
“Now, we will see how skilled of a pilot you truly are.”
And with that, Meta Knight took off towards the mountains.
“And he criticizes me for running away?” Obi-Wan muttered, before backflipping into the cockpit.
“R7?”
“Beepbeepboop?”
“Follow him.”
“Boop.”
The glass shutter closed, and the ship blasted off at hyperspeed, catching up to the fleeing Star Warrior in an instant.
Meta Knight turned and stared in surprise as the Y-Wing kept on his tail with ease.
“‘Hmm, his speed is rather impressive. Perhaps he is the one who can help Kerbee…but I must test him a little more to be sure.”
Taking his blade, Meta Knight slashed at the mountains, shaking them with tremendous force.
From the mountain peaks, an avalanche of boulders fell down at high speeds, a canvas of earth threatening to crush Obi-Wan into oblivion.
“Force…guide me.” Obi-Wan pleaded, as he closed his eyes and concentrated.
“Bum”
“Bum”
“Ba-bum”
“LEFT!”
Swerve
“RIGHT!”
FWOOSH
“DOWN!”
Dive!
“ROLL!”
When Obi-Wan escaped unscathed he could hardly believe it.
“The Force truly is powerful.” Obi-Wan mused, as he continued to home in on Meta Knight.
“Perhaps a few cannon shots will be enough.” Obi-Wan pondered, as he began rhythmically tapping the fire button.
Twin red laser blasts fired from the cannons on the ship’s underbelly, attempting to blast Meta Knight out of the sky as he rolled, swerved, and dived to avoid them. The sky was lit up with crimson fire, and yet it all avoided the flying swordsmaster as he evaded with consummate ease.
It was then that Obi-Wan noticed he was flying right above the battle droids, which had moved out of Cappy Town and into the green fields beyond. Seeing opportunity, he veered his ship downward and began firing salvos of proton torpedos, each detonating and taking down a centurion of droids with them.
All as Meta Knight watched in amusement.
“So, he was telling the truth all along. There is just one final test, to see if he truly is a great warrior.”
Meta Knight landed in the courtyard of Castle Dedede, where Sword and Blade Knight were waiting to greet him.
“Sword, Blade…it is time.”
“Sorya, Halberd?”
“But Meta Knight, the Halberd was only supposed to be used for the fight against NM-“
“The circumstances have changed. We must defend Dreamland!”
The two knights nodded, before scurrying off to Castle Dedede’s interior.
With the task accomplished, Meta Knight made a mighty leap onto the castle’s roof, allowing him a clear vantage point of Obi-Wan, who had finished off the last of the droids.
“Obi-Wan Kenobi!”
Kenobi stopped firing and turned to face the elder warrior.
“Yes?”
“Come down, and fight me like a true warrior!”
“Didn’t we already do that? It ended with you running away!”
“Yes, and you tried to win with your vessel. So, now I have decided to fight you on even terms.”
The ground began to rumble, the tremors reaching all across Dreamland.
“And…what does that mean?”
“Behold, Kenobi. The culmination of years of work…Battleship Halberd!”
Castle Dedede split apart into two halves, as a giant shutter opened from beneath the earth. From within emerged a massive dreadnaught, emblazoned with Meta Knight’s recognizable mask and wings, and armed to the teeth with weapons powerful enough to destroy a world.
“…I see.”
Meanwhile, in Castle Dedede, his Majesty was absolutely beside himself.
“Escargoon, wat da heck iz dat thang?!” Dedede screeched.
“I don’t know sire, but it looks like we’re up the river without a paddle!”
“Well do sumthin!”
“How about hide under m’covers!” he postulated, as the two cowered together under the throne.
The sight of the massive cruiser was almost enough to stop Tiff’s heart.
“Wow…Meta Knight was building that underneath Dreamland, all this time?”
“I know. It’s amazing!” Tuff gushed.
“He must have built it to take the fight to NME…but now the surprise is ruined. Hopefully they don’t see it…” Tiff wished.
The flare of the Halberd’s engines knocked Tiff on her back, as she stared in disbelief while it flew away.
“Good luck, Meta Knight. And…be careful.”
Obi-Wan simply stared in disbelief.
“That ship has enough power to rival the entire Republic fleet…perhaps it’s time to end this, now.”
“You can try! All cannons, fire on that bomber!” Meta Knight commanded.
“Sorenrye, fire!” Blade Knight acquiesced, as the Halberd began firing a barrage of missiles at Obi’s Y-Wing, forcing the Jedi to make evasive maneuvers.
“This seems rather FAMILIAR!” Obi grunted, as he erected Force Barriers around his ship to block the mightiest explosives, while trusting in the Force to guide him through the more densely packed waves.
And yet the Halberd continued to doggedly pursue him, consistently forcing the Jedi on the defensive. Every time Obi-Wan tried to swivel around and perform counter-fire, a blast clipped the side of the Y-Wing and knocked it off-balance.
“How can a ship that large be so agile? Ah, well…I suppose I have one last idea.”
Taking control once more, Obi-Wan once again steered back towards the mountains he had chased Meta Knight through earlier, goading the Halberd into engaging pursuit. The two vessels raced through the canyon pass once more, skirting the nest of the feared Dyna Blade as she cawed loud enough to cause yet another avalanche.
For Obi-Wan, avoiding the falling debris was child’s play. His ship was small and swift enough to easily outpace and slip between any hazard, aided by the pull of the Force.
But for the mighty, cumbersome Halberd, it was a different story. The stones careened right into the ship, leaving unnerving screeching sounds in their wake as the ship’s paint began peeling off.
“Press on!” Meta Knight ordered, as the two ships finally made it into open skies.
“Well, now that I’ve softened it up, time to take a page from Anakin’s logbook.”
Gunning the engines to full throttle, Obi-Wan began to climb higher and higher into the sky, straining the thrusters past their limit. As he expected, the Halberd followed suit, but its more powerful boosters meant it was gaining ground.
“Just…a little…further…”
The Y-Wing breached the outer atmosphere, and was greeted with the cold darkness of space, the Halberd not far behind.
“Well…I hope this works!”
With a heavy sigh, Obi-Wan shut off the engines. The ship, no longer resisting the pull of gravity, began to fall back to Popstar…right into the waiting jaws of the Halberd.
“Meta Knight, what’s he doing?” Sword Knight asked, scratching his head.
“An extremely bold move…if it pays off. Attack!“
The Halberd’s laser cannons once more opened fire on the Y-Wing, now beginning to catch fire as it reached reentry velocity.
“Force, guide me.” Obi-Wan urged.
With his hands on the steering mechanism, Ben blasted forward at top speed, spinning like a drill, and facing the Halberd head-on. The Y-Wing started to break apart from the pressure, but he persisted, readying himself for the eardrum-shattering-
KABOOM!
The Y-Wing slamming into the Halberd’s faceplate made such a massive aftershock, it dislodged the nearby asteroids from their trajectory, sending them careening off into a nearby star where they promptly exploded, creating solar flares even the folks of Cappy Town could see.
When Obi-Wan came to, he found himself in the midst of the Halberd’s inner workings, smoke filling every corridor as the ships internal systems attempted to repair the pressure leak.
“Hmm…perhaps Anakin was right. Spinning CAN be a good trick.”
Patting himself on the back aside, he really needed to get to the command deck.
“Now…which way…?”
Casting his senses out to the entire ship, he listened for that telltale accent and-
“‘Stabilize the engines! Batten down all hatches! Prepare for combat!'”
“Ah, there we are.” Obi-Wan murmured, before taking the rightmost path.
Blasts of boiling hot steam erupted from the pipes embedded in the walls, forcing Obi-Wan to carefully weave around them, using the Force to guide him. Just when he had reached the end of the hallway-
HISSS!
One last jet of steam struck Obi-Wan in the face, with his eyes taking the full brunt of the blow. When it cleared, Obi-Wan could feel that he wasn’t hurt, and yet his eyes were burning, eliciting more pain than he had felt in a while.
“GAAH!”
He tried to keep his eyes open, but they refused.
“Mmm…very well then. I shall continue regardless.”
Feeling the walls to his sides, he used them as a guide, and slowly inched forward. With every step, he felt himself getting closer to his goal.
“I just hope…I can apprehend him before this ship crashes…”
“Oh, I wouldn’t count on that.”
“Sorinsora, your defeat!”
Sword and Blade Knight stood in Obi-Wan’s way, weapons drawn.
“Oh…wonderful. I was starting to think…that I had gotten on undetected.”
“Maybe you were for a little bit, but nothing happens on this ship without Meta Knight knowing about it.”
“You seem to really…admire him.”
“Sorenright, saved our lives!”
“We owe everything to him.”
“And I truly do respect that. But at the same time, I don’t exactly have much time to spend making witty banter with you.”
With a strained Force push, Obi-Wan slammed the two swordsman into the wall, instantly knocking them out. Without a word, he continued on.
At last, he managed to crawl his way to the engine room.
“Finally. If I can disable the engines, this ship will fall, and then maybe I can get some answers.”
“If you can manage it, that is!”
Of course, sitting on the ledge was Meta Knight himself.
“You have certainly caused me many problems today, Master Kenobi.”
“I feel like I…could say the same to you.”
“You possess a strong heart, and a warrior’s courage. It is a shame, that we had to be on opposite sides in this conflict.”
“You…brought that upon yourself, my friend.”
“Talk is meaningless. We shall end this in the way it always should have been.” Meta Knight concluded.
“Again, I’m feeling a sense of deja vu.” Obi-Wan muttered, as he drew his saber.
“Fighting a blind opponent…this is a new low.”
“As I recall, your ‘Force’ should allow you to fight just fine.”
“Well, yes, but it’s not some all-encompassing omnipresent ability to instantly triumph.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I will go easy on you.”
Meta Knight stabbed at Obi-Wan in an instant, only barely being deflected by the latter’s perfectly timed parry. The recoil sent Meta Knight backwards, allowing Obi to follow up with a lunging thrust that grazed the warrior’s mask and lopped off a chunk. Undeterred, Meta leaped onto the blade’s hilt after the next strike and delivered a powerful axe kick.
However, this time Obi was ready, grabbing hold of Meta Knight’s foot and delivering a powerful punch to his torso, knocking Meta Knight into the generator with a loud CRASH!
But before Obi-Wan could capitalize, Galaxia pierced his shoulder like a spear, pinning the Jedi to the wall as Meta Knight ran towards him at breakneck speed.
“HRAAAGH-urk…”
Meta Knight was stopped mid-leap by Obi-Wan’s Force grab. With complete conviction, he began tossing the knight into the different machine parts littering the room, leaving imprints all over and turning Meta Knight’s mask into a crushed piece of tin.
Finally, Obi-Wan threw the Star Warrior into the ceiling, allowing him to fall and crash into the hard, metallic floor, girders raining down on him.
“Have you…had enough?” Obi-Wan insisted, his breath coming in much slower increments.
From beneath the girders, a shifting motion pushed them apart, revealing a ragged but still breathing Meta Knight.
“Not…yet.”
“Then allow me to…even the odds a bit.” Obi-Wan gasped, as he threw his saber at the light fixture on the ceiling, shattering it and bringing the room into absolute darkness.
“Fighting blind…how interesting. If you can take advantage, that is.”
“I believe I can manage.”
Obi-Wan felt in the darkness for the unmistakable aura of the Star Warrior, strong and rhythmic. When he had locked on, he slashed with his saber, a singular light in the cold void.
And felt a blade counter him in kind.
“I may not be able to see…but I can sense you, just as you can sense me.”
“Then this will be rather difficult!”
Obi-Wan and Meta Knight continued to swipe at each other in the darkness, although their blows were becoming far less impactful, and far too often they simply struck empty air, or even the power generator itself, leaving massive scars that leaked power.
Finally, Meta Knight landed a solid hit that knocked Kenobi on his back, before leaping onto the generator.
“This…this ends now.”
Raising his sword high into the air, the star warrior concentrated all his energy into the blade, channeling the spirit of 50,000 years of combat and the fire god imbued in the sword itself, until the blade glowed a brilliant golden.
“Behold the power of…Sword Beam!”
Meta Knight swung downward with such tremendous force, the blade discharged a golden crescent blast of pure energy at high speeds.
“Oh no, not a-“
The beam not only knocked Obi-Wan to the floor, but also sliced through the walls of the Halberd, revealing the sky and sea beyond, and the flames devouring the sinking vessel.
“One more…should do it.” Meta Knight panted, preparing to fire another beam.
“You know…the thing about Jedi is…”
Meta Knight paid no attention, and fired.
“…we’re rather adept at utilizing energy.”
As the beam hit his lightsaber, Obi-Wan channeled the beam’s power into the blade, and then released a powerful swipe that redirected the blast back at its progenitor.
All Meta Knight could do was fire another Sword Beam at high speeds. And as the two beams collided-
KA-THOOM!
The resulting explosion completely split the Halberd in two, the twin halves falling into the ocean at terminal velocity, creating a pillar of water that stretched into the sky.
…
Stop Music
“Hmph, hmph, phmfph…oh…my head…” Obi-Wan groaned, as he regained consciousness.
Only to find he was stuck under a board.
“Ah…let me just…there we go…ah, that stings.” Obi-Wan grumbled as he slowly pulled the board off his chest, all the while trying to stay conscious with the pain in his sides. With great care, he stood up and supported himself on one of the guard rails, and surveyed his surroundings.
The entire room was flooded with murky blue-green water, a telltale mark of the ocean. It all swelled in from a massive hold in the side, revealing a way to the roof of the cabin.
“Well…no harm in getting a better vantage point, I suppose…perhaps I can call Cody for assistance…”
Gently, Obi-Wan walked over to the hole, making sure to put less weight on his right side. He could feel his tunic being waterlogged, but chose to ignore it, even when his skin felt ice cold.
The sun was setting by the time Obi-Wan had crossed the room, painting the world in a fiery orange glow. The shadows cast by the ship seemingly neglected the ladder to the top.
Almost as if it was intentional.
“Well, it certainly wouldn’t be the first prophecy I’d been charged with.” Obi mused, as he began climbing.
It didn’t take long to reach the top, but it was enough for the Jedi to reflect on the meaning of the Star Warrior’s actions.
“‘Was he trying to test me all along? And, test me for what purpose? Some other threat, even more dangerous than Sidious or Dooku? I must find these answers after I take him into custody.'”
But as he continued to mull over these thoughts, he found his path blocked by a rather familiar sight.
“Not again…”
“You are beaten. Surrender, by order of-“
“Actually…” Obi-Wan interjected, moving his hand ever so slightly while wiggling his fingers, “…you don’t want to fight against me.”
“I…do not want to fight against you.”
“You want to give me your sword.”
“I want to give you my sword.”
Although Meta Knight was clearly resisting the Force Mind Trick, ultimately his will was overcome, and he dropped the blade at Obi-Wan’s feet.
“So…now it seems that the situation is reversed, and you are the one who is beaten.”
As Obi-Wan reached down to pick up Galaxia, he felt a sensation once again.
“‘Pain…great pain…and great power…but am I worthy to wield it?'”
“Let’s find out!” Obi-Wan yelled, picking up Galaxia.
The sword let out a few sparks, and then-
ZZZZZAP!
The pain Obi-Wan felt was like nothing he had experienced before. The pain of losing his master, the pain of all the battle scars and concussions he had endured, the pain of the torturous visions he’d experienced for what seemed like years now, it all combined together and multiplied itself by a thousandfold as he wielded the sword in his hands.
The pain was so great, it forced him to drop his own saber, as it clattered to the ground, right at Meta Knight’s feet.
“That was a rather impressive trick you used. It may come in very useful, for later.”
“You weren’t susceptible to the mind trick at all, were you?”
“No. My mind is too strong to be overcome by something like that. But making it seem like you succeeded, seemed like the most optimal way to allow for this final test.”
“By…agh…having your sword kill me?”
“Incorrect. The sword Galaxia only allows those who are pure, untouched by evil, to wield it. If you survive…I will know what I need to know.”
Galaxia continued to infuse Obi-Wan with incredible pain, with no signs of stopping. Any resistance Obi-Wan tried to muster was meaningless, and dissipated as quickly as it appeared.
“Concentrate, Master Kenobi. Focus…and you can achieve anything.”
“‘I don’t have anything else to lose, I suppose?'” Obi pondered.
He closed his eyes, and felt for the Force’s gentle pull. It was distant at first, but as Obi-Wan focused on it, it grew, from a small flame to a blazing hearth, wrapping the Jedi in its warm embrace.
The horrible pain began to weaken, tempered by the Force. At last, it reached equilibrium, and it became exhilarating. The pain had ebbed to nothing, and now a never-ending riptide of power surged through him.
“I…am Obi-Wan Kenobi. And my path is clear. I will help teach a new generation, and one day help bring about the end of the Galactic Empire. This, I swear!”
And with that, Meta Knight nodded.
“Very good…but now, let us see if you can provide the strength to back up your convictions.”
“One final blow.” Obi-Wan proposed.
“Winner, takes all.”
The two locked eyes, and raised their respective blades. And as the sun set, turning the sky a brilliant indigo…
There was a dual slash.
Sparks flew.
…
And the figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi crumpled to the ground. Alive, but knocked out.
Meta Knight walked over to the unmoving form of Kenobi, and planted the saber into the metal, a marker of Jedi’s spirit, and retrieved his own Galaxia.
And he waited.
After all, he’d been around for 50,000 years. A few more hours wouldn’t hurt.
: And fittingly enough, it ends not in death…but in new beginnings.
: This match was definitely an interesting one. To begin with, it should be noted that this was specifically the Disney Canon version of Obi-Wan Kenobi, vs the Kirby: Right Back at Ya! version of Meta Knight. Simply because this was far more fair towards Obi-Wan, since Meta Knight would easily win otherwise.
: Starting with Meta Knight, his stats are relatively simple. He should absolutely scale to Base Kirby, given that he was more than capable of defeating Kirby in sword combat in the episode “Kirby’s Duel Role”. Kirby, in his base form, could spit cannonballs hard enough to actually redirect a meteor that was going to destroy Dreamland. This feat averages out to 1.25 to 3.29 teratons of TNT, or Small Country Level. But since this feat was done via 14 cannonballs, we’ll say that Meta Knight’s strength should be, at minimum, 89.2857142857 Gigatons, or very high end Island Level.
: Speed-wise, again, Meta Knight has been shown to very easily keep up with Kirby in a fight, meaning he should scale to Kirby’s reactionary speeds. Most notably, Kirby can jump on the Warp Star midflight, which flew to the sun while carrying Kirby and the monster Red Viper in about 30 seconds. Assuming the sun in this case was as far away from Dreamland as the normal sun is to Earth, this feat averages out to 16 times the speed of light.
: Now, admittedly the strength portion of this would be fairly unimpressive to Legends Obi-Wan, who can scale to many exaton and zettaton tier feats, but sticking strictly to canon, most of Obi-Wan’s best feats also cap out in the Island range, most notably him being comparable to Darth Vader, who blocked a proton torpedo with his force barrier. Since the Force Barrier would scale to the offensive aspects of Vader’s Force usage, this would also scale to Obi-Wan’s attack power with the Force, a rather impressive 4.9 Gigatons of TNT. However, Vader has also had statements of being 80% of the power of Darth Sidious, who easily destroyed ships with this level of durability, so him being 4.9 Gigatons seems about right. And in terms of speed, most feats in canon Star Wars are about Massively Hypersonic+, due to that being the speed of blaster bolts in canon, and being able to deflect Force Lightning. However, there are some Relativistic feats, most notably Obi-Wan deflecting a laser in the Clone Wars Episode “Children of the Force“, as well as Grievous dodging a light blast from a Kyber Crystal.
: Right away, you can already see a massive disparity. Meta Knight, even at his lowest, is over 18 times stronger and 66 times faster (Haha) than Obi-Wan. Meaning even at the start, there isn’t really any difficulty Meta Knight will have in just blitzing and one-shotting Obi-Wan. And while some might be tempted to say that Obi-Wan could utilize his more haxxed Force abilities to win, that’s just not really Obi-Wan’s style. Obi-Wan is by and large a saber combatant, who only rarely uses his special abilities in combat. This is especially true in canon, BTW. And while Obi-Wan is one of the best Soresu duelists in the entire series, even his defensive game can’t hold up against a stat advantage like Meta Knight’s.
: In fact, let’s run down the hax list. Mind Trick? Obi-Wan doesn’t use it in combat and it’s explicitly shown to fail against exceptionally strong minds, as seen with Cad Bane. Now picture Obi-Wan trying to use it on someone with thousands of years of experience as a trained soldier and mentor, especially one as wise and intelligent as Meta Knight, and you see the problem. Telekinesis? It would help to keep Meta Knight away, but it doesn’t make him easier to kill. Matter Manipulation via the holocron? Never used in combat. Precognition? It would definitely help mitigate the speed advantage a bit, but precognition isn’t very useful if you’re too slow to take advantage. Plus, keep in mind that while Obi-Wan is very strong with Force augmentation, without it he’s Wall level at best, while Meta Knight’s stats are always consistent.
: So essentially, Meta Knight has the stat trinity locked down, and Obi-Wan doesn’t have any abilities that would let him turn the tide. Does Obi-Wan have any chance at all?
: Well…maybe. There is a feat that could be applied to Obi-Wan retroactively: Kinro. Essentially, many years ago during the Old Republic, the Jedi Order banded together to destroy a meteor that was tearing through planets. This was the combined effort of 10,000 Jedi, and the average yield for this feat is about 50 teratons
This would absolutely put Obi-Wan’s max potential higher than Meta Knight’s…or at least, it would, if this feat wasn’t incredibly inconsistent.
: Keep in mind, this is a feat that would scale to most non-god tier Jedi. Meanwhile, Darth Sidious, a character clearly superior to Obi-Wan, was only capable of upscaling from a 4.9 Gigatons feat after being supercharged in The Rise of Skywalker. So it doesn’t really make sense that this feat can scale to mid-tier Jedi that is just casually above the feats performed by one of the strongest Force users in the series. Plus, even if this feat was used, Meta Knight has a similar feat of scaling.
: Right here, Kirby’s inhale is so powerful that it’s shown being capable of even sucking in the moon! Honestly, no matter how you slice this feat, no matter what timeframe you use, it is better than Kinro scaling. And while some might question its usability, Kirby’s inhale has been referred to as like a black hole, is Kirby’s main trait, and is always portrayed as incredibly power. Plus, Kirby is one of the highest tier characters in the series, so him having a feat like this makes sense. So why is this important for Meta Knight?
: Yes, Meta Knight is capable of outright tanking Kirby’s suction without even flinching, and describes it as “defending himself”. Now, of course, this sort of scaling is a big outlier, and is somewhat inconsistent with lore about the series of Kirby being unable to suck in extremely large or heavy opponents, but Kirby has also been seen improving his suction to be able to prove that incorrect, and at worst, this puts it on par with Kinro in terms of usability. So either way you cut it, Meta Knight should be more powerful. He’s also far more experienced, having been fighting for thousands of years, while Obi-Wan died in his 50s. Both are pretty much even in terms of tactics and sword skills though, with Obi-Wan potentially having a very slight edge due to having his saber skills being regarded as some of the best of any Jedi, while Meta Knight is just an incredibly skilled swordsman. But these things don’t matter too much.
: Overall, with greater strength, speed, and experience, Meta Knight was indeed able to triumph over the far more versatile and unpredictable Kenobi.
: Yeah. Guess Meta was the real “star” today, eh?
: The winner is Meta Knight, the masked swordsman.
+ Much faster + Much stronger + Much more experience + Better vessel = Tactics = Sword Skill – Not as versatile – Lacking in hax – Susceptible to telekinesis
+ More versatile + Slightly better hax + Can use telekinesis to control the battlefield = Sword Skill = Tactics – Weaker (Especially without Force augmentation) – Slower – Far less combat experience
Obi-Wan opened his eyes and slowly sat up, rubbing his head to relieve the agony.
And just in front of him was Meta Knight, offering a plate of warm stew.
“Drink up.”
“Ah…thank you.”
Obi-Wan accepted the bowl and downed it in one gulp. It wasn’t that bad, all things considered.
“I…believe I owe you an explanation for certain things.”
“Yes, that would be most helpful.”
“It requires I start at the beginning. I am what is referred to as a Star Warrior. For generations, we had fought against an army of powerful monsters, all created by the being known as NME. But over time, our forces were overwhelmed. We died off. Until only I, and a select few others, remained. I left, and found my way here to Dreamland, to serve under the king. Since he likes to order monsters so much, I knew it would be a place that would attract other Star Warriors. One of them was named Kerbee. At first, I was worried about him. He was just a baby, and needed more time to develop. But as time passed, he became a more capable and confident warrior. And now, I know he is the one to defeat NME.”
“This sounds rather fascinating but, where does my involvement play into this?”
“Truth be told, your involvement was an accident. I did not expect you to come, but when you did, I believed you would be a good teacher for Kerbee. Your techniques and skills, they are like nothing I have seen before. They could be of great use.”
“I would like to help you. Truly, I would. But, I have a galaxy of my own, one that needs help as well.”
“I understand. But, before you leave, perhaps you could impart a few of your techniques to Kerbee, so he can help save this galaxy.”
“Well, I would have to meet him.”
Later…
“This is the Star Warrior?”
A pink puffball of a creature was laying in front of Obi-Wan, snoozing.
“I understand one mustn’t judge someone on their size, but-“
“Trust me. He is quite skilled. But before you teach, I do have one last favor to impart to you.”
“Yes?”
“Your mind trick. I would like to keep my Battleship Halberd plans a secret from Cappy Town, and King Dedede.”
“I’ll…see what I can do.”
Several Hours Later…
“Well, I’ve done it. Every individual on this world has had their memories altered to forget your battleship, except those in the castle.”
“Then let us go.”
The two knights strode into the castle, and began ascending the stairs. Along the way, they were joined by Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala.
“Wow, Meta Knight! You never told us you had a battleship! Can we ride in it?” Tuff begged.
“Can you explain why you didn’t tell us?” Tiff pressed.
Seconds later, their memories had been altered, and the two knights were gone.
“Uh…what just happened?” Tuff questioned, with Tiff just shrugging her shoulders.
Finally, Obi and Meta Knight pushed open the great doors to the throne room, and walked inside, the doors slamming behind them.
“Awright, Meta Knight, you got some ‘splainin ta do here! Whuh you thankin’, buildin’ sum kinda spaceship unda my castle widout tellin’ me? Are yous workin’ for Kirbeh? Cuz if so you know dem consequences!”
“Yeah, mister, you’re out of order, makin’ the king look like an even bigger fool than he already-“
SMASH!
“Sorry, sire…”
“My liege, I should have told you, but-“
“Cut da excuses! You’re fired! And who’s this jokah ova here, some kinda peasant?”
“Ah, well, I suppose some introductions are in order. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight from another galaxy, and you won’t remember this conversation.”
“Whuh-“
Suddenly, Dedede and Escargoon’s eyes went blank and glazed over.
“Well, I believe that’s my cue to hide. I shall return, do not worry.” Obi-Wan replied in jest, before running at superhuman speeds out the door using the Force.
“Uh…whuh happened?” Dedede asked, still a bit groggy.
“Sire, you fell down the stairs and hit your head. I carried you back up here alongside Escargoon.”
“Escargoonie?”
“Ah…yes sire. Nearly threw m’shell out, but I got you up in the end.”
“Well that be mighty swell! I’m not gonna put you in my topshell tonight!”
“Thank ya, sire!”
With the situation under control, Meta Knight excused himself and jumped up to the castle’s rooftop, allowing him to clealry see the departing Obi-Wan in a Republic gunship he called in. It had to be done in the forest for security, but otherwise it seemed to go well. There was even talk of sending supplies in secret to help with the battle against NME, and Kirby now knew a few new tricks.
Shadow: Well…the stage has been set. The research has been concluded.
Bowser: Now it’s time to find our winner. Are you ready?
Shadow: I’m Shadow, the Ultimate Life Form.
Bowser: And I’m Bowser, the Ultimate Dad.
Shadow: Okay, buddy, what makes you ULTIMATE, exactly?
Bowser: How about you get over here and I’ll show you, you little-
JJ: And I’m JJSlider, your host today. And it’s time…for a SMACKDOWN!
—
Spargus City…
“Aw, man, it’s great to be back in the Wasteland, huh Dax?”. This was said by the man walking up the steps to the Spargus City Arena. At 19 years of age, clad in the ancient Armor of Mar, sand goggles atop his head, Jak the Wastelander had seen it all. Giant dark machines, muscle bound energy blasting warriors, sinister racing championships, and more than his fair share of berserk Precursor Robots. But Jak had beaten them all, and was now taking a well deserved break while his girlfriend Keira was learning to unlock her eco sage powers in uncharted territory.
“Eh…I dunno, Jak. I was enjoying my basking in the lap of luxury. It’s not everyday you get worshipped for being a Precursor.” This came from the mouth of the little orange Ottsel sitting on Jak’s shoulder. Wearing his own miniature goggles and a set of blue shorts he got from a wish, Daxter was always ready to fight, even if he always had to whine about it the whole way.
“You do get worshipped every day, buddy.” Jak retorted.
“But today me and Tessy were gonna go see a play. It’s called…the Rise of the Great and Mighty Ottsel, Orange Lightning!” Daxter proclaimed.
“‘Oh boy…'”. Jak said to himself.
“Look Dax, let’s just go see Sig. He had something to tell us, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Better hurry before my butt starts to chafe. Don’t think I’ve ever washed these pants…”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world…
“Alright, Gemerl, you wanna play hide and seek?” This squeaky voice originated from a small rabbit in a garden behind a quaint little hut. With tan colored skin, floppy ears, and wearing an orange sundress with a blue bow, Cream the Rabbit was the epitome of cute.
“I am sorry, Ms. Cream. I do not compute the purpose of this…hiding and searching activity.” The monotone, robotic voice came from a small, black and yellow colored robot with a strange combination of red and blue eyes. This was Gemerl, formerly an enemy of Cream and her friend Sonic before he was defeated and reprogrammed to become good. The robot was now living with Cream as a permanent fixture of her family, along with Cream’s mother Vanilla.
“Well…it’s easy! First, I close my eyes and count to ten. While I do that, you pick anywhere nearby and hide so I can’t see you, okay? When I stop counting, I’m gonna try and find you. If I do, that means I win? Do you understand me?” Cream said gently.
“Hmm…I do not see the point of this. It is nothing but a futile exercise. The seeker will eventually find the desperate prey.” Gemerl stated matter-of-factly.
“Well…yeah, that’s true. But it’s not meant to have a point. It’s just FUN!” Cream said with a spring in her step.
“Hmm…I do not understand.” Gemerl thoughtfully said, more confused than ever.
“You don’t have to understand, just do. Look, I’m gonna start counting, and you better get hiding, Mr. Gemerl, or I’m gonna be sad.” Cream said encouragingly.
“Do not cry, Mistress Cream. If it will appease you, I will engage in this hiding competition.”
“GREAT! Okay, okay…” Cream closed her eyes and began counting. “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8..9…10! Ready or not, here I come!” Cream opened her eyes…only to see Gemerl still standing in front of her.
“Mr. Gemerl! You were supposed to hide as soon as I started counting!” Cream said with frustration.
“I…seem to have had my memory chip tampered with. I do not recall this. Very well, please, begin your…strange counting ritual anew.”
“Hmm…Okay. 1…2…”
While she was doing that, Gemerl climbed up to the top of the hut and hid inside the chimney.
“9…10! Ready or not, here I come!” Cream opened her eyes and noticed Gemerl was gone. “‘Thank you, universe. I didn’t want to explain it again. Even I have my cuteness limits.'”
Cream began searching all over the lawn, looking under the picnic table, in the leaves of the nearby tree, under the ground at depths of 50 feet, and even flew up into the sky to check the clouds. No sign of Gemerl.
“Wow…he’s actually really good at this game. Better step it up!” Cream said to herself. That is, until she noticed a tiny orange speck next to her door.
“Am I expecting guests today?” Cream wondered as she examined her calendar. “No, my scheduled tea time with Amy and Mr. Sonic isn’t until tomorrow. Maybe it’s Tails asking if he wants to go out with me! Ooooooh…”
Cream flew down to her lawn and went inside. “Hi Mom! Are you making cookies for me and Mr. Gemerl?”
Vanillaturned to see her daughter and broke into a smile, before rushing to give a hug. “Yes sweetie. But…to tell you the truth, I might have to cut back on the cookies. I’m getting a little…large and in charge, if you know what I mean.” Vanilla said, an embarrassed look on her face.
“Mom, you’re just fine. But maybe you could give those cookies to Tails to make it easier for him to ask me on a date!”
“Cream…you’re not expecting that nice young man out there to be your boyfriend, are you? It’s not realistic! Honestly, I think you’ve been spending too much time with Amy, she’s rubbing off on you.”
“Mom…you’re embarrassing me!” Cream said in a whining voice. She then crossed the room and opened the door, and it turned out it was Tails after all.
“Hey Cream, how’s it going?” Tails said, as chipper as ever.
“Oh…it’s…it’s…going just fine. Th-Th-thanks for as-asking!” Cream stammered out.
“Hey, Cream, is it alright if I talk to Gemerl really quick?” Tails politely asked.
“…Mr. Gemerl? Well…okay. I’m still trying to find him though. We’re playing hide and seek, Mr. Tails!” Cream mentioned excitedly.
“Cream, we’re about the same age, you don’t need to call me Mr. Tails.”
“‘Darn…maybe this is getting in the way of me being with Tails. Better cool it for now.'” Cream thought to herself.
“Don’t worry Cream, I’m sure we can find Gemerl by using my…dun dun dun…METAL DETECTOR!” Tails said with much fanfare
“I could have gotten that for myself at the store.” Cream muttered under her breath.
Tails, however, didn’t fail to notice it, and began frowning. “‘Oh no, I must have hurt his feelings. Better suck up.'” Cream thought.
“But I’m pretty sure that it’s gonna be super duper special anyway, because the 300 IQ genius Tails invented it!” Cream gushed as loud as she could.
Tails smiled, and then turned on the device, which detected Gemerl in the chimney. So Tails rolled up his gloves and went inside. “Jeez, Cream, how long has it been since you cleaned this?” Tails asked as his perfect auburn fur became blackened with soot.
“You’re supposed to clean them?” Cream questioned.
Tails rolled his eyes, before grasping Gemerl’s ankles and pulling him out. “It seems I have failed the contest. You have found me easily. My circuits are full of shame.” Gemerl said with his head hung low.
“That’s okay. We’re all winners in hide and seek! Anyway, Tails has something he wants to tell you.” Cream said in an attempt to cheer up Gemerl.
“Uh…yeah. Gemerl, I’ve been working in my lab recently in attempt to patch up your old body. I’m finally done, and I brought it with me. I’m wondering if it’s okay to take your conciousness and transfer it back into your old body.”
“Tails…that’s great. But…are you sure that you can do this without hurting Gemerl?” Cream said anxiously.
“Well, technically Gemerl’s core processor can’t really feel pain. But I think I can do it successfully, and then we’ll have the old Emerl back again.
“That’s amazing, Tails! But…I think we should let Gemerl decide.”
“Good idea, Cream. So, Gemerl…how do you feel about this?” Tails questioned as he turned to face the black clad bot.
“Hmm…analysis indicates no change in overall power output. Also calculating that friend Mistress Cream appears to have what you refer to as wistfulness in regards to my old power frame. After much deliberation, this core unit has decided to abdicate its control over the one you know as Gemerl in order to return to prime state.
“Umm…I think that means that he wants to go back to his old body, Mr. Tails.”
“Great! Then let’s start right now! I’ll get my tools.” Tails said, absolutely elated to be able to work on such an advanced machine.
“Uh…Tails? Do you think it would be alright for me to…you know…spend one last day with Gemerl? Before he…disappears?” Cream asked with caution.
“This unit will still exist in a different form, Mistress Cream.” Gemerl stated.
“I know…but we’ve just spent so much time together with you looking like this, ya know? I just want to see it a little while longer.”
“Well…it seems okay. Go ahead, Gemerl! It could be fun.” Tails said reassuringly.
“…Of Course, friend of Mistress Cream. Perhaps we can try the game of hiding and seeking again. I will defeat all comers this time.” Gemerl said with confidence.
“Tails, do you wanna play too?” Cream asked, her eyes going all big and pleading.
“Well…alright.” Tails said, and together the threesome did all the usual activities Cream and Gemerl did together: eating snacks, playing games like hide and seek and Monopoly, telling each other stories of the experiences they had, and what they would do in the future, and even playing Truth or Dare. But at last, it was time, and Gemerl bid farewell before stepping into Tails’ makeshift workshop. Cream got up and stood next to the door, wondering if what came out would still be her friend.
Meanwhile, back in Spargus…
“Alright, listen up, you cherries!” This harsh voice came from the newly elected King of Spargus, the Wastelander Sig. Clad in Metal Head Armor and toting a Peacemaker on his staff, he had truly earned his reputation as one of the most feared and respected warriors in the world. How fitting he had taken his place as a Warrior King after Damas, the previous king, had died.
“I’m not sure if you were aware of this, but we’ve gotten reports of giant Metalpedes out in the Wasteland. They’re not too far from us, and they could potentially get in and destroy the city. We need you to take a vehicle and hunt them all down!”
“Got it.” Jak said, giving a little salute.
“You’re gonna need my help to find the Metal-pedes, ya know.” said the seductive Ashelin as she entered the room. Clad in a somewhat revealing female Krimzon Guard outfit and war paint, she was certainly far from a damsel in distress, or a petty royal. Surprising, given her nature as the daughter of the late Baron Praxis.
“Wohoho…she is smokin.'” Daxter said with a stupid grin on his face.
“Daxter! How could you!” said a small female Ottsel who stepped out from behind Ashelin.
“Sorry, Tess baby. Got a little distracted there.”
“Let’s melt these suckers.” Jak said, raising his fist in the air.
As the group walked to the race garage, they were intercepted by Kleiver, the muscle bound god of track thunder. Big, stocky, armor plated, and mean, Kleiver was not someone to mess with.
“Alright, ya short poppies. You go in, you go out, and we all go out to eat. Just kidding, I’m going out to eat.” Kleiver trash talked.
“I hope that eating involves some veggies, because you’re about as fat as that rainbow colored cock Pecker.” Daxter said unabashedly.
“Hey, I resent that. Onin has me on a strict diet of nothing but birdseed. I’ve really trimmed down.” This was Pecker, the interpreter of the soothsayer Onin.
“Keep it up, nipper, and my breakfast will be fried Ottsel.” Kleiver threatened.
Jak ignored him and stepped into his vehicle of choice, the SandShark.
The car wheels spun rapidly before the vehicle launched out of the gate and into the Wasteland.
Meanwhile, back at Vanilla’s house…
It was morning, and Tails had stepped out of the workshop. He wiped the sweat off his brow, then turned to face Cream, who staring with anticipation. “Now introducing…the new and improved…EeeeeeeeeeMERL!” Tails said with grandeur.
Then, another robot stepped out. He look nigh identical in physical structure, but now had blue eyes and a tan body. There was no doubt that this was Emerl, the ultimate Gizoid.
“…E…Emerl?” Cream asked slowly.
“…Hey Auntie Cream! How ya doin’?” Emerl said with happiness in his voice.
“Emerl…it really is you! Come give you aunt a hug!” Cream said, wiping the tears of joy from her eyes.
Emerl acquiesced to her wishes, then turned to face Tails. “Thank you too, Tails. Now, have you gotten stronger?”
Tails thought back to the time where he was too afraid to fight against Chaos 0, and how he had to rely on Sonic too much.
“Yep, I’m real tough now. So, now that you’re back, wanna do some sparring?” Tails offered.
“Nah. I’ve sparred with you and the others enough. I’m gonna travel the world, see if there’s other people I could fight. Then, when I come back, I’ll fight against Shadow again. He really gets me, ya know?” Emerl said, with his eyes ablaze.
Emerl noticed Cream’s eyes were watering, so he added “Don’t worry Auntie Cream. I’ll be back soon.”
Cream stopped crying and gave Emerl another hug, before Tails gave Emerl his prototype transporter. Bidding farewell, Emerl decided to set it random, as the wheel spun around before finally landing on the Wasteland, as Emerl disappeared in a flash of light.
Meanwhile, Jak and Daxter finally arrived at the spot where the Metalpedes were said to be located. They got out of the car and stepped forward ever so slowly, Jak pulling out his Morph Gun in the process.
Suddenly, a giant Centipede with a yellow gem in its skull burst out from the sand, and turned its pincers on the duo. Jak was about ready to fire a shot into its gut, when all of a sudden a robot plunged its fist into the Metalpede’s skull, piercing its brain and killing it instantly. It was Emerl.
Jak cautiously lowered his gun and yelled out “HEY! WHO ARE YOU!?”
Emerl slowly turned to face Jak without saying a word.
“Uh…Jak? Something’s not right here. I think it’s one of those KG Deathbots.”
“That’s impossible. We destroyed the War Factory and Errol with it.”
“There was a Metal Head here, wasn’t there?”
“True.” Jak conceded. So he pointed his gun at Emerl and ordered him to put his hands up. “Look, guys, I’m not one of those KG Deathbots or whatever you called me. I’m just Emerl, the most powerful robot ever! You guys are lucky that I showed up when I did, or you woulda been toast!”
“Uh…we coulda handled it ourselves, you hideous hunk of bolts!” Daxter replied.
“Sure. I guess if that’s true, maybe we should fight. I’m on a quest to beat some of the strongest guys around. Maybe you’ll be a nice warm up for some of the more powerful warriors I’ll soon face!”
“Warm up? Buddy, when we’re done with you, you’ll be spitting out bolts faster than your stupid quips! Right Jak? RIGHT JAK!? Hey, say some Hero stuff!” Daxter yelled at the two fighters.
“Enough talk. We’re taking you in to Sig for questioning.” Jak stated succinctly.
“Fine, but you’ll have to beat me first! Hehe.” Emerl said as he got into a battle stance, Jak doing the same.
Emerl made the first move, equipping his Shadow Run technique in order to increase his speed before he charged at Jak, stopping mid attack in order to equip his Girl Jab technique in order to deliver Jak some fast, albeit not especially hard hitting, single attacks. Jak was jostled around a bit, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He backflipped away and landed on a nearby sand dune.
From there, he took out his trusty Morph Gun once more and set it to the Scatter Gun mode, causing it to transform into a short, snub nosed gun with a red ammo supply on top. Jak began firing multiple short range blasts at Emerl, who took great care to dodge all of them with his lightning fast speeds.
So Jak decided to mix things up and use a fake out attack, firing to the left in order to get Emerl to dodge to the right, so he could nail him with a Scatter Gun shot, causing Emerl to fly several feet back and hit his head on some nearby rocks.
Emerl took a few precious seconds to shake his head and clear his thoughts, before he jumped back up and charged towards Jak again, this time equipping the skills Shadow Dash and Electric Straight, allowing him to move even faster than before and dodge all the shots Jak got off in an attempt to halt the tan technological terror in his tracks.
When Emerl finally reached Jak, he got off a few Girl Jabs and finished with an Electric Straight, this time shooting Jak and Daxter into a nearby Cactus.
“Owowowowow! Do you know how long it’s gonna take me to get cactus needles outta my fur?! Lemme tell ya, it’s not fun!” Daxter yelled.
“Eh, don’t worry about it. Your fashion sense should be the last thing on your mind right now!” Emerl said, as he disappeared in the blink of an eye, reappearing right next to Jak and continuously delivering fervent barrages of Girl Jabs, Electric Straights, and the new techniques known as the Knuckles Chop and the Stretch Chaos, before finally delivering a Sonic Updraft to Jak’s chin, sending him 30 feet into the air, before jumping up to intercept the rising biomass with a well placed Tails Dunk, sending Jak and Daxter careening into the sand below.
Jak got up and tasted his lower jaw, and was surprised to feel blood. He figured that he would be able to beat this robot no problem…but apparently he would need to step it up a bit.
So, Jak switched gears and turned his Morph Gun to the Wave Concussor setting, making the gun longer and giving it a special new property…which Jak immediately demonstrated by letting loose an energy shockwave that intercepted Emerl as he was making his descent and caused him to fly away out of Jak’s eyesight.
Jak let out a grunt and urged Daxter to get on his shoulder, before pulling out his JET Board and racing after the fleeing robot.
Meanwhile, Emerl had touched down at the coast leading to the Precursor Temple. He got up and noticed that, like Jak earlier, he too had received damage in the form of a chip on his midsection. But Emerl wasn’t too badly damaged, so he got up and turned to face Jak, who was riding towards him on his Dune Hopper.
“Where’d you get that, huh? Looks pretty cool.” Emerl gushed.
“Maybe if you were good enough to be a Wastelander, you could get one of your own. But here, have a demonstration!” Jak roared, as he unleashed the Hopper’s grenades.
Emerl equipped his Cream Jump and jumped at least 15 feet in the air in order to avoid all the incoming shots.
“That was pretty good, but you’re not the only one who can jump super high, buddy!” Jak said, simultaneously activating the Jump Jets on his Dune Hopper causing it to jump as high as Emerl did, as Jak exited the vehicle and switched to his new gun, the Blaster Mod, and fired a few precise yellow energy shots at his unsuspecting foe.
Thankfully for Emerl, he managed to equip another skill of his, that being Ultimate Guard, shielding him from all the shots from the blaster, but he was caught off guard by the Dune Hopper crashing into him and forcing him backwards into the sea.
Mustering the strength he had gotten from sparring with Knuckles, Emerl grabbed the oncoming Dune Hopper, and performed a Hammer Throw the likes of which would have made Vector proud, causing the Hopper to sink into the ocean.
“‘Goddamit it…Kleiver’s gonna give me a major thrashing for losing that car. But I can’t worry about that now, I’ve gotta focus.'”
While Emerl was distracted, Jak ran at him and tackled Emerl at full force, causing both to careen into the nearby Metal Head Nest Cave.
There the two went, thrashing and tussling about, until Emerl equipped his Chaos Nightmare skill and threw Jak off right into a swarm of tiny Metal Heads. They clung to Jak like ticks and wouldn’t back off, and Jak wondered how he was gonna get out of this.
“Ooh Ooh, Jak, I’ve got an idea.”
“If it’s about rebuilding the Naughty Ottsel sign, forget about it. Little busy here.”
“No, no, try aiming for the walls with your Beam Reflexor. If we’re lucky, maybe the shots will bounce off the walls and hit the Metal Heads. They might even hit our little friend over there.”
“That’s…actually not a bad idea. Good going, Dax.”
Jak managed to reach his Morph Gun sitting a couple feet beside him, and switched it to Beam Reflexor mode, aiming some shots at the wall. When he fired the gun, the shots bounced multiple times off the walls, before striking one of the Metal Heads and killing it. Jak kept at it, firing more and more shots until the cave was littered with bouncing bullets and Jak was free.
Emerl unfortunately was not so lucky. He was pelted with the bullets from all sides, and even his Chaos Guard couldn’t protect him from all those shots. So, while Emerl was distracted, Jak took the opportunity to switch his gun to Gyro Burster mode, before ducking behind a wall and firing a UFO Projectile which Jak ordered to remain still.
As the last of the Reflexor bullets died down, Emerl sat wondering what this new weapon Jak had fired was capable of. He didn’t have to wait long to find out, though, as the UFO began firing multiple spreadshots in all directions, forcing Emerl to find cover. But the UFO just kept tailing him, following him up and out of the cave and continuing to damage the poor robot with yellow energy blasts. Jak and Daxter took to the JET Board to follow Emerl out of the cave to continue their capture plan.
Finally, a few seconds later, the UFO ran out of juice and collapsed to the ground, drained. Emerl breathed a sigh of relief, only to see Jak come up and attempt to fire another Gyro Burster shot…
and the trigger stalled.
“‘Huh?'” Jak wondered, as he began to examine the gun, only to see that last Gyro Burster shot had sucked away all his Yellow ammo.
“Uh Oh.” Jak and Daxter said in unison.
They were right to be scared, as Emerl appeared to be very angry. He got up, dusted himself off, and then rushed at Jak and Daxter, activating his Chaos Shot skill. Channeling his inner waterbender, he shot blasts of concentrated liquid at the duo, knocking them off their feet and leaving them open to yet another shot, this time from the Energy Ball cannon that materialized on Emerl’s arm. With it, he shot a concentrated blast of yellow energy at the duo much like they had done earlier, sending them even farther into the sky, leaving them open to Emerl’s Bat Cracker. He summoned a Bat shaped bomb that flew high into the sky and smacked into Jak and Daxter, sending them blasting off all the way to Spargus City.
Emerl breathed a sigh of annoyance and raced after them at hypersonic speeds, reaching the city before they did and greeting them with a well placed Sonic Drive, shooting a ring into the air and then spindashing into it, smashing into Jak and Daxter along the way and sending them crashing into a mountain, destroying it in the process.
Believing that he had won, Emerl turned his back on the shattered mountain and began attempting to call Cream back at her house. While he was doing this, he failed to see the tiny bomb that was shot out of a gun in the epicenter of the destroyed landmass, which landed right by Emerl’s feet.
By the time Emerl heard the ticking, he was too late to get away before it exploded in a small blast, damaging Emerl a significant amount.
“Never…EVER…turn your back on Jak and Daxter unless you’re sure you’ve killed them!” Jak said in a guttural roar.
Emerl sat up and wiped the oil from a crack on his head. “I’ll…I’ll be sure to remember that from now on. No more goin’ easy on you!”
“That was easy?”
Jak continued to fire shots from his Plasmite RPG that he used a few seconds ago, spreading them all over the area in front of the city as they exploded together in a giant maelstrom. Jak was about to shoot a few more bombs, but he felt that familiar click and realized he was out of red ammo as well.
“No Big Deal, right Dax? Hehe.”
“Jak…I think that you shouldn’t underestimate this guy. Like, you know it’s bad when me, the king of great comedy, knows that this guy is baaaaaad news.”
“I know, Dax. It’ll be fine.”
Jak switched his Morph Gun to the Vulcan Fury, and began firing a hailstorm of bullets at Emerl as he jumped back into the sand pit. These bullets weren’t as powerful, Emerl noted, as the Blaster, but they came out much more rapidly to compensate. “‘I can’t lower my guard for even a second.'” Emerl thought to himself.
Jak kept firing the Vulcan Fury like a madman, with Emerl equipping the Amy Run to avoid all of them. Just then, Jak realized that he had already fired at least a hundred or so bullets from the gun, and he only had about 200 shots left. He knew he needed to conserve his remaining ammo, so he switched to his Peace Maker. Taking aim, Jak fired at the cactus to the right of Emerl.
“Haha. You missed, Hawkeye. You couldn’t hit the broadside of a Master Emerald!”
“Are you sure about that, KG Scumbag?”
Emerl was confused for a minute, until the real power of the Peace Maker was set into motion, as its electricity arced off the cactus and hit Emerl, dealing extra damage as his metal body conducted the electricity.
By the time it was over, Emerl was steaming, oil flowing from about 10 different places. Put simply, he looked like a wreck.
“So…you wanna give up now? Or do ya want more?” Jak taunted.
“I’m…I’m never gonna…give up. I gotta win so I can…see my friends again. It’s…been so long.” Emerl said, confidence rising within him.
“Then I guess you better wave bye bye to them, because I’m gonna make sure you don’t see them again for a while.” Jak finished by jumping into his new vehicle, the Slam Dozer, and raced towards Emerl, simultaneously turbo boosting in order to build up momentum and firing the onboard gun.
Emerl, desperate to stave off the attack, activated his Recovery Mode skill, and began healing himself at an alarming rate. The oil flowed back into him, his cuts and scrapes closed themselves, and he was soon back to tip top fighting shape.
With that done, Emerl equipped his Megaton Hook skill, and with an incredibly powerful spinning arm attack, hit the Slam Dozer with enough force to smack it away into a tree, where it promptly blew up.
Unfortunately, Emerl was too distracted to notice Jak switching to the Mass Inverter and firing, releasing a wave of antigravity energy that forced Emerl into the air, while Jak landed safely on the ground.
“H-Hey, what’s going on?!” Emerl asked, confused.
“You’re stuck in the air, my ironclad enemy, and now it’s payback time!” Jak switched to the Arc Wielder and shot a blast of pure electricity at the helpless robot.
“Oh, and did I forget to mention? This bad boy does extra damage to things like you. Sorry.”
When Jak was finished, Emerl was once again bruised.
“Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. Yet. We still need you for questioning. Then, once that’s over…we’ll throw you in the dungeon for crimes against Spargus.”
Jak then switched to his final Blue gun mod, the Needle Lazer, and fired more shots at Emerl, until he ran out of energy.
It was at this point that the effect of the Mass Inverter wore off, and Emerl fell to the ground. As he struggled to get back up, he noticed Jak and Daxter giving each other a fist bump for a job well done.
Once again, activating his recovery mode skill, Emerl healed his wounds again at an alarming rate, which Jak didn’t fail to notice.
“So, you can heal yourself? Well, try healing from…this!” Jak exclaimed before switching to his last, and most powerful, gun, the Supernova. With it, he fired a single shot that arced into the sky before slamming into the ground, releasing a nuclear firestorm around Emerl that engulfed him.
“Is he…dead?” Daxter questioned.
Jak shrugged, and they looked into the storm, only to see Emerl emerge unscathed.
“What the-” The duo said, only to be cut off by Emerl.
“I activated my Chao Knight skill to block your attack. Did you honestly think you could get rid of me so easily? I told you, I’m the greatest robot warrior ever.
As Jak attempted to shoot another blast and failed, Emerl continued by saying “And it seems you are completely out of ammo. However…
mine is infinite.”
And so Emerl rushed Jak and Daxter down with the Shadow Slider skill, smacking him into the air with Sonic Updraft, jumping up to deliver a few Shadow and Sonic Rockets to Jak’s midsection, then grabbed Daxter and sent him underground with Chaos Impact, causing Daxter to disappear.
Lying on the ground, weakened, all Jak could think about was how his best friend was now at the bottom of a crater somewhere, most likely dead. It was all Jak could do to sit up, before he was forced back down to the ground by Emerl’s foot slamming into his stomach.
“So Jak, it look like at the end of the day I was King of the Hill after all. If your stupid rodent was here, I’d bet he’d laugh in your face. You are so pathetic. But hey, at least you’ll die today knowing that you lost to the best.”
“There’s…one problem with that…you piece of shit.”
“And what’s that?”
“I’m not planning on losing this. YOU’RE DEAD!”
And with that, a surge of energy coursed through Jak’s body. Evil purple energy, the power of darkness, was fueling Jak, as he gave in to his inner rage over the loss of his childhood companion.
Jak’s fingernails grew long and sharp, his hair stood up even more and turned a shade of Silver, and Jak’s skin turned pale as a ghost. As he stood up, dark energy flowing off of him, he had been reborn. As Dark Jak.
“So…Emerl, was it? Get ready for Round 2. And I assure you. By the end of this…there’ll be nothing left of you to send home.”
As Emerl bore witness to the hideous abomination in front of him, he couldn’t move a joint in his body. He was frozen in fear, his gaze transfixed on the creature in front of him that had once been a normal human. Finally, he worked up the nerve to ask one question.
“Who are you?”
“I am Dark Jak. The power that you experienced before? The capabilities? They are nothing compared to what I can do now. I don’t need this puny toy to defeat you. I will personally be responsible for ripping you to shreds, burning those pieces to cinders, and then…well…let’s just say it’s too horrible for words.”
Emerl didn’t even have time to prepare himself before Jak was on him, slashing with his claws, kicking him in the gut, roaring like a starved animal, before he picked Emerl up and tossed him through the walls of Spargus City, making a giant hole.
The people within the walls screamed and raced for their homes as Dark Jak stepped in through the newly created hole and charged. So, like a matador, Emerl used his color change ability to make his skin bloodred, luring Jak into him before stepping aside to reveal a cactus that Jak smacked right into, getting a face full of needles in the process.
But that didn’t seem to faze Dark Jak at all, as he turned around and charged back towards Emerl. So Emerl summoned his strength and used his Ultimate Upper Attack to smack Dark Jak into the sky, where he stayed for a couple seconds before falling back down to leave a large crater in the ground.
But Jak got up right away and held his hands together, generating energy, before finally releasing it in the form of the Dark Strike, sending it crashing into Emerl and smacking him against the wall, before Jak leaped in to slash at Emerl with his claws some more, as Emerl equipped his Roaming Chaos ability and placed a ball of chaos energy right behind Jak, which followed Emerl and hit Jak in its trajectory, stunning Jak long enough for Emerl to kick him off and into another wall.
Now it was Emerl’s turn to lay into Jak, first using Shadow Chop, then IQ300 Attack, then Paralyze Cut, and finally Chao Tornado in a devestating 4 hit combo, sending Jak flying through the house that he was up against and into the lava filled Spargus Arena. This…was where the final clash would happen.
Meanwhile, Daxter sat up, shaking his head. He tried to remember exactly what had happened. The last thing he could recall was that robot smacking him into the ground, and now he was here.
“I gotta help Jak. No way he can take on that metal monster alone. Alright, brain, I know we don’t normally talk, but you gotta give me some ideas here!”
Suddenly, a rock hit Daxter in the head. As he tried to process where it came from, he saw his old bug catching equipment and remembered something.
It was awhile ago, after they had beaten the Terraformer. Jak was off with Keira doing something, and no one wanted to be with him, so he decided to take his bug catching equipment he’d gotten in Haven City and bury it as a tribute to Osmo, his old boss who had died earlier that year in the Metal Head Wars.
And now it was here.
“‘Never thought I’d use this stuff again, but duty calls!'” Daxter thought as he suited up. “Hold on Jak, I’m coming!”
Meanwhile, back in Spargus Arena, Emerl was still trying to avoid Dark Jak, but it certainly wasn’t an easy task.
“Hey, what’s wrong? You’re not scared of fighting a pissed off Dark Warrior, are you? Or was all your talk about being the greatest robot warrior just a load of bullshit?” Jak taunted.
“‘He’s wrong. I know I can still win this. I just gotta play smarter, not harder.'” Emerl thought. So, using the stealth training he had received from Rouge, he slowly but surely crept around the border of the arena until he was right behind Jak, and then he pounced, activating his Flexible Chaos skill to give Jak the ultimate punishment.
Jak’s ear twitched, so he turned around and saw Emerl coming towards him, so he activated his Dark Giant ability, growing to about twice his normal size and causing Emerl’s attack to harmlessly bounce off.
“Well, you’re just full of surprises, aren’t you big guy?” Emerl said, trying to make small talk.
“I dabble.” Jak retorted.
Emerl fired everything he could at Dark Jak: His Energy Ball cannon, his Magic Hook, his Chaos Magic, his Chao Cannon, the Sonic Wave, even the Air Chu2 Bomb. All of it just harmlessly bounced off Jak’s skin.
“Why are you so damn tough!?” Emerl questioned.
“Invincibility, bitch! Dark Invcibility to be exact! You can’t even touch me.” Jak said, laughing as he inched ever closer to Emerl.
“Oh, I don’t know. I bet if I keep hammering away eventually I’ll find a weak spot!” Emerl said, full of hope.
“But do you know where to hammer, exactly?” Jak mockingly questioned, pulling out a dark idol from his pocket and crushing it, turning invisible.
“Well…this is certainly new.” Emerl said. No big deal though, as Emerl simply fired Energy Balls in all directions. Most of them missed, as Emerl intended, and Jak did managed to scratch Emerl’s chest and leave a sizable mark, but some of them managed to hit Jak and cause his invisibility to flicker a bit, as well as make him let out a grunt. Emerl detected said grunt at a position to the northeast of him, so he turned his Air Cream Cracker in that location and fired, hitting Dark Jak and causing him to fall down, shattering the invisibility.
“Hehe…I told you Jak. I’m the best. And now…to make it official.”
Emerl cocked his arm cannon at Jak’s face, ready to end him, when all of a sudden he was trapped in a cage.
“What the heck?” Emerl said, surprised.
That’s when Daxter descended into the arena. “Guess what buddy? That bug cage you’re in is UNBREAKABLE. So you…are…done.”
“Bug cage, eh?” Emerl said, and got a sly grin on his face, before he just…broke the cage with his fist.
“OK, so that didn’t work.” Daxter said, getting nervous. “But how about some…FIRE!”
Dax blasted his flamethrower at Emerl, but it didn’t do anything. He tried his bug zapper, but it just bounced off Emerl’s skin.
“Your weapons are too weak. And I grow tired of this.” Emerl said, before smacking Daxter into a crate of Dark Eco boxes.
“Oh boy.” Daxter said, gulping, as the Dark Eco was infused into his body, transforming him into the giant hulking monstrosity known simply as Dark Daxter.
“Aw man…I didn’t think I’d look like this again. What’s Tess gonna say when I show up to our house looking like Jak before he gets a shave!”
Jak gave a growl, and Daxter straightened up. “Right, beat bad guy first, then worry about how to get my gorgeous Ottsel physique back.”
With that, Daxter shot a few dark energy blasts at Emerl, while Dark Jak followed up with Dark Strike. Emerl equipped his Sonic Jump skill to dodge both, causing them to dissipate when they hit each other. While Emerl was in the air, Jak used his final Dark Move, the Dark Blast, creating an arc of electricity to fly towards Emerl and zap him back down to Earth, dealing heavy damage to his circuits.
“Okay, big guy…you’re out of tricks now, right?”
“Hehe…you wish.” Jak said, before he transformed into his final form. His whole body turned white, his eyes glowed like starlight, and he had a heavenly glow all around him. This…was the power of Light Jak.
When Emerl witnessed this ability, he felt something new. A Power that he had never experienced before, a power more potent than he himself had seen in a long time. He felt his inner programming force itself to obey the call of nature and forge a new Link, a Link with Light Jak.
“Don’t know…but…I think we’re about to see some serious fireworks.”
Suddenly, Emerl stood up. His eyes were glowing a cobalt blue, and his whole aura seemed darker than usual. This…was Emerl’s final form, Ultimate Emerl.
Then all hell broke loose.
Emerl dashed at Daxter at inhuman speeds, hitting him with Ultimate First and Ultimate Second attacks too fast for Jak to react to them, before finally kicking him to the edge of the arena.
Jak used Light Jak Regeneration to patch his wounds somewhat, then used Light Jak Flash Freeze to slow time for all except Jak himself.
Emerl could only watch as Jak walked over and began hammering Emerl with a multitude of physical blows, before finally kicking him as the timer wore off and Emerl suffered the after effects of the attacks.
But Emerl didn’t stop, he kept charging towards Daxter, ready to end him with the finishing blow, only to be stopped by Jak’s Light Jak Shield. The Shield surrounded Daxter, protecting him as Emerl continued to attack like a crazed animal, before finally setting his sights on Jak. He charged towards Jak, but before he could reach the hero of Spargus, Jak activated the Light Jak Flight and flew up to the top of the Matter Formers made to spawn gladiators. However, Emerl just jumped from Matter Former to Matter Former to get onto the same platform as Jak, and began engaging in hand to hand combat.
Using the skills he had learned from Damas, Jak fought back, but Emerl too had been trained by a somewhat accomplished Martial Artist. So there they went, back and forth, neither one giving an inch, until finally Jak put all his power into one punch and attacked, with Emerl dodging and countering by pushing Jak off the ledge and onto the ground below. Bloody, beaten, and bruised, Jak had only one option: Using Regeneration one last time to heal all his wounds and get him back to max vitality, before he turned back into Normal Jak.
This was truly it. Jak had run out of options. So he had to rely on some of his other abilities. He opened his tube of Green Eco and absorbed it, allowing him to project a defensive shield around himself to block Emerl’s incoming attack. Emerl tried then to use a technique where he spin kicked, releasing a wave of energy towards Jak, but Jak created a construct out of the ground to stand in the way of the attack. Emerl kept on trying, but Jak kept raising new constructs for defense.
However, all this effort eventually led to Jak’s Green Eco being wasted. So he next went for the Red Eco, increasing his offensive power as he fought back against Emerl with all his might.
“Don’t you know when to give up? Perhaps I have been too lenient with you. The only option for you now…is death.” said Emerl, a note of deadly finality in his voice.
Eventually, the Red Eco’s power began to wane, and Emerl once again began to overpower Jak. So, using his last bit of Red Eco, he fired an energy blast, which Emerl casually dodged.
Getting desperate, Jak switched to Yellow Eco and continued his energy assault, but to no avail, as Emerl either dodged, tanked, or matched Jak’s blasts, and was about ready to deliver the killing blow, but Jak managed to stave it off by activating the Yellow Eco’s last function and jumping high into the air, landing on Emerl’s head and forcing him to the ground.
“‘This guy is unstoppable. I’ve only got one eco type left. I’m done. But I might as well fight to the end.'” Jak thought.
Meanwhile, in the corner, Daxter began to stir. He opened his eyes and saw Jak returned to normal, and decided he needed to step up NOW.
With a heavy heart, Jak opened his tube of Blue Eco and absorbed it, increasing his speed and allowing him to attack Emerl with a flurry of lightning fast jabs and dodge all of Emerl’s attacks in return. Emerl tried in vain to attack, but he just couldn’t land that crucial hit. At least, for now.
It was at this point that the blue eco faded too. But luckily for Jak, Daxter was by his side.
“You ready, partner?”
“Always Dax. To the end.”
Jak took his remaining stores of eco and combined them together into Light Eco, which he absorbed, turning him into Light Jak.
“This is it Dax. Light Eco-
“Dark Eco-
“BLAST!”
Jak and Daxter fired their energy blasts at the same time, as they crisscrossed with each other to form the ultimate attack.
Emerl was nearing his limit too, so he poured all his energy into his final attack as well.
“ULTIMATE GROUND SHOT!”
The two energy attacks collided, both seeming to be cancelling each other out. However,
slowly, but
surely,
Emerl’s attack began gaining ground, as Jak and Daxter’s beam grew weaker. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Emerl screamed as he poured all his energy into this attack, and it finally broke through and slammed into Jak and Daxter full force. “Hehe…Well Bud. Looks like this it. We had a good ride, didn’t we?” “You…can say…that again, Jak. Hehe.”
Those were the duo’s last words before they were incinerated.
And the one left standing, the one who had won the day…was Emerl, the Gizoid Champion.
“Whoo…that was really tough. Thank you, Jak and Daxter. That was truly one of the greatest fights I had ever experienced. May you rest with your Precursors in peace.”
JJ: Whoo…what a battle! What a way to finish!
Shadow: Eh, I coulda done it better.
Bowser: But, uh, why don’t we talk about why this scrawny little robot took the win?
JJ: Sure. First of all, Speed. This was a fairly obvious category admittedly. Jak certainly has some rather impressive things in terms of speed, such as dodging Sig’s Energy Blast and other feats that put him at a Hypersonic-High Hypersonic Level.
It sounds impressive…until you consider that Emerl is capable of matching Base Sonic and Base Shadow in speed, who have multiple instances of being Massively Hypersonic, such as dodging lightning, and Hotaru Lasers. It was certainly a very massive difference, allowing Emerl to potentially dodge almost all of Jak’s attacks.
Shadow: Next, Durability. Honestly, this one could go either way. Emerl has taken hits from city level opponents like Sonic and Shadow and remained standing with relative ease, however much of these city level things happened later in the series, in games like Sonic Generations, so saying Emerl should match up to that is iffy. Jak’s been shown taking hits from MCB-Town level threats like the Dark Maker Terraformer, and his Dark Jak form is invincible…but we’ll get to that later.
Bowser: Let’s just call it a tie. But in terms of AP, it seems to fall more in Emerl’s favor. Like we said earlier, Jak should scale to the MCB-Town Dark Maker Terraformer in his Dark Jak/Regular Forms, and his Light Jak form is more powerful than those, solidly putting it at town level.
JJ: However, Sonic and Shadow are both City Level threats, and Sonic X Shadow is debatably Island level in base. Characters like Knuckles should scale to this, and Emerl defeated Knuckles in the Chaos Emerald Martial Arts Matchup, which also included Rouge and Amy.
Shadow: In terms of versatility, they seem about even, with both having a decent amount of long range and short range options, but Emerl earns a slight lead by virtue of his skills being infinite use, while Jak’s abilities, including his transformations, are limited. His Morph Gun especially is guilty of this, as all weapons of a certain ammo color share ammo, so using a weapon means less ammo for the other weapons in that group. Both of them also have a healing factor, but Jak’s is limited while Emerl’s is not, and Emerl’s best versions of healing are about as fast as Jak’s.
Bowser: There’s also the matter of Emerl’s Ichikoro gauge. When it’s charged up, it allows Emerl to knock out opponents equal in level or lower than him in one hit. So…that’s handy.
JJ: In terms of intelligence, they seem about even again, but due to Emerl being a robot and having the capability to learn techniques of his opponents, we’ll say he takes this category. Their dark and ultimate forms are both animalistic and crazy, so we’ll say they’re tied there. However, Jak and Daxter take experience due to appearing in more games, and Emerl wasn’t exactly fighting for 4000 years.
Shadow: Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: What about Dark Daxter?
Bowser: In all honesty, Dark Daxter realistically shouldn’t even be a factor. It requires Daxter to absorb large quantities Dark Eco, which is completely random. And Jak doesn’t actually carry eco in tubes either, that was just put there for drama.
JJ: Even if we did put Dark Daxter in there, he’s just a slower, less versatile Dark Jak without invincibility, and since we already established Base Emerl is superior to Dark Jak, adding Dark Daxter probably wouldn’t change much. Especially since we’d have to add Ultimate Emerl, who can knock out Base Sonic in a few hits, can go ten rounds in 30 seconds, and is overall superior to his base form by a wide margin, even if he is as wild and crazy as Dark Jak. And Daxter in base is pretty pathetic, aside from being able to use Jak’s weapons. The tools he does have were made for catching bugs, and anything bigger than that will be able to stop these items no problem.
And as for Light Jak, his flash freeze might be somewhat helpful since Emerl doesn’t have resistance to it, but he doesn’t have the AP necessary to overpower Emerl within the 18 second at max time limit. The Flight is very inaccurately named as it’s more of a slow descent, and the regeneration, as already established, is very much a 1 or 2 use ability.
Shadow: Overall, Jak may be able to somewhat tie with Emerl in durability and maybe intelligence, but it was a combination of his extreme limits, coupled with Emerl’s greater speed, AP, adaptability, lack of limits on his moves, and a transformation with a much more generous time frame and really nice stat boosts, that gave this robot the big win.
Bowser: Looks like Jak and Daxter had Gi-zero chance in this fight!
Shadow:…I will kill you, you son of a-
JJ: The winner is Emerl, the Ultimate Gizoid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to break up this fight, bye.
Emerl (Winner)
+ Greater AP + Greater Speed + Greater Adaptability + No limits to his Moves + His Base form is superior in AP to Jak’s final form ++ Couple that with Ultimate Emerl, and it’s even more of a gap + Slightly more intelligent = Versatility = Durability – Not as Experienced – Many of his moves are just based around one central move with multiple variants – Ultimate Emerl is very outside help-esque
Jak and Daxter (Losers)
+ More Experience + More Long Range options + Emerl isn’t immune to Jak’s time hax + Can fly to give himself greater mobility – Weaker in AP – MUCH slower – Less Adaptable Arsenal — All of Jak’s abilities have some caveat or limit, especially his guns – None of Jak’s transformations allow him to close the gap with Ultimate Emerl – Less intelligent
–Dark Daxtters is as much outside help as Ultimate Emerl = Versatility = Durability
Epilogue:
It was a sad day in Haven City. All the citizens had gathered in the port to pay homage to Jak and Daxter, their fallen heroes.
Everyone was crying, be it Tess, Ashelin, Samos Hagai, Sig, even Torn shed a tear over the loss of his great friend.
But Keira…Keira took it the worst. She just sat their, blank eyed, wondering how her boyfriend could just be so callously taken away from her, right when she was due to return and tell him the good news of her eco training.
“It’s…it’s just no fair, daddy! It’s not fair!” Keira cried. “I know, Keira…I know.” Samos said, comforting his daughter.
And with that, the coffin carrying the ashen remains of the duo descended into the ocean.
Meanwhile, at Cream’s house…
Emerl reappeared from the portal, with Cream giving a fierce hug.
“Mr. Emerl, it’s so great to see you’re still alive! I missed you so much!” “I missed you too Cream. It’s great…it’s great to be back.”
Tails then appeared from behind a curtain, a pair of googles over his eyes. “Hey Emerl, how’s it going?”
“Fine. But…”
“But what?”
“I don’t think I like fighting anymore.”
“Why’s that?”
“It…it brings out the worst in people. In my fight, I was pushed to my limits, and as a result, I abandoned my morality. I was willing to kill to win. I…I don’t want to be like that again. I need to become a pacifist. Do you…think that can happen?”
“Well…anything’s possible.”
Emerl eyes lit up with joy, and he hugged Tails and Cream.
“Well…I want to get started right now. No more fighting…unless it’s for self defense.”
Bowser: The answer to this puzzle will no longer be eluded…
Shadow: Why are you rhyming, dumbasses?
JJ: It’s dramatic effect, Shadow, and ya ruined it! You just couldn’t stick to the script?
Shadow: Ultimate Life Forms don’t follow rules. They make them, and then break them.
JJ: Hmm…well, since Shadow completely ruined the intro…I’m JJSlider, your host.
Bowser: I’m the coolest, rudest king you’ve ever seen, BOWWWWWWSSSEEERR!
Shadow: I’m Shadow, and I’m the coolest!
JJ: And…uh, we’re here to find out which draconic lord of the skies will reign supreme…and which one will get his wings clipped forever. It’s Time…for a SMAAAAACCCKDOWWWWWN!
—
It was dark in the chamber of the Chronicler. It was usually kept this way to allow the ancient dragon within to focus his thoughts without distraction, allowing him to see the nature of the past, present, and future at any time. This was necessary, as all these events needed to be catalogued in order to provide heroes of the generation with the information they needed to help save the world.
And it just so happened that the current Chronicler, Ignitus, once the Guardian of Fire before he had died and taken over the role from the previous Chronicler, had a very special connection to the hero.
At that moment, Ignitus was sitting in his nest, tossing and turning as he was experiencing a rather disturbing nightmare. Black clouds and thunderbolts covered the sky, the once fertile plains of Avalar were now burning in a ceaseless fiery maelstrom, and a dark shadow was cast over the entire land, all with the sound of menacing laughter echoing across the horizon, along with the sight of a gold neckchain and a blue headband
“Ignitus…I am coming for you…and your hero.”
Ignitus awoke with a start, inhaling and exhaling heavily. “Hah…hah…what was that vision? It might have just been a dream…but the Chronicler never receives idle dreams. It must be a prophecy, of dark times brought about by some evil entity. But that’s impossible, Spyro defeated Malefor and saved the world. It must be a new evil…but the vision neglected to tell me what it was. Accursed unclear dreams! …Nevertheless, I should send Spyro a message. He needs to know how to stop this evil.”
With that, Ignitus went over to his table and pulled out a quill feather. Dipping it in the nearby engraved inkwell, he began to write “Dear Spyro…”
In the valley of Avalar…
In a small hut belonging to the Cheetah warrior Hunter, a duo of mid size dragons were sitting together in a bed, fast asleep. One of them was a black dragon with white horns, a red underbelly, and a thorny tail. This was Cynder, former puppet of the dark master Malefor, before being reformed to the light side and ultimately helping to destroy the villainous purple dragon.
The other dragon, with scales the deepest shade of purple, a yellow underbelly and horns, and a spiked tail, was having a decidedly less than pleasant experience. Spyro, the hero of the planet, was tossing and turning just like Ignitus, and was having the same dream of an apocalyptic world haunted by the ethereal laughter of a new evil.
However, just before Spyro’s dream ended, he caught a glimpse of one figure in the shadows, with red hair and glasses, before he was booted out and woke up in a cold sweat.
Cynder sat up and looked at Spyro with concern. “Spyro? You okay? You’re acting strange.”
“It’s fine, Cynder.” Spyro said reassuringly. “It was just a bad dream.”
“‘Or was it? I don’t think I’ve had a dream like that before…and those features in the shadows aren’t familiar to me. Could this dream be some kind of warning? Is there a new evil coming? Do they want me to stop it? But I thought Malefor was dead…unless it’s not related to him. I have so many questions…so I need to see the only one who can help me.'” Spyro thought to himself
“Listen, Cynder. I’m going to need to go for a morning flight. Clear my head and all that.” Spyro said.
“Of course. You seem a little on edge. Maybe the air will help you wake up.” Cynder affirmed.
Spyro exited the hut and set out for the village gate.
“Spyro! What are you doing? It’s dangerous outside, ya know?”
This came from the leader of the Cheetah Village, Prowlus, accompanied by his second in command, the former village traitor Hunter. Both were cheetahs clad in simple garb, armed with a quiver of arrows and a bow, with the only difference being their skin.
“I know, Prowlus, but I’m the purple dragon. I think I’ll be fine.”
“Well…I guess you’re right. Very well, Spyro. Just be careful out there, it could be dangerous.” Prowlus warned.
“I know.” Spyro assured, before flapping his wings to hover in the air and then soaring into the skies. Up here, Spyro felt completely at ease, letting the wind currents guide him as he soared all across the plains, passing the cave where he had rescued Meadow the healer, the cave with the weights to start the raft he had used to accomplish that, the passage leading to the old hermit under the falls, and even into the mountains, trying to make heads or tails of his vision.
“Hmm…what would Ignitus tell me to do if he was here? Well…probably something about meditating. But I’ve done that, and it hasn’t shed light on anything. I don’t know, maybe Mason in Dragon City could he-“
Suddenly, Spyro was teleported to the Chronicler’s home, where he was face to face with a large white dragon with blue robes, who seemed rather familiar to the young dragon.
“I…Ignitus?”
“Young dragon, I am disappointed. I thought you’d recognize your old teacher in any form!”
“IGNITUS!” Spyro cried out in joy as he raced over to hug his mentor that he had thought was lost forever.
“But…why am I here, in the Chronicler’s lair? Wait…don’t tell me…”
“Yes, Spyro. I have become the new Chronicler.”
“Wow, Ignitus. I’m really happy for you. Such a big job, but you seem to be pulling it off really well.”
“The time in the library researching did help quite a bit. But unfortunately, I did not call you here simply to catch up. No, I’m afraid we meet on more…dark terms. I have recently received some sort of vision, a vision of dark times ahead. But I could not tell who caused it, aside from a blue headband and a gold chain.”
“‘He knows it too!'” Spyro thought. “Ignitus, I’ve had a very similar vision, but instead I saw red hair and glasses. Do you think the visions are connected somehow?”
“I am sure of it. The only question is…how?”
Ignitus turned to his wall of tomes and began pouring through them book by book, trying to find an image of the things he had seen in both his and Spyro’s visions, until at last he reached the book entitled “Legends of the Hoenn Region.” He opened it up and looked inside, finally finding what he was looking for.
“Ah…here we go. It seems that these two were apparently villains who terrorized this ‘Hoenn Region’ long ago, but then realized the error of their ways after their actions created a terrible war between land and sea. Apparently, they’re now living peaceful lives as geologists.” Ignitus mused.
“If that’s the case, why were they in our visions? Do you think they’re going to try to make a villainous comeback or something?”
“I don’t know. But whatever the case, it’s clear what you must do, Spyro. Go and find Cynder, and travel to this Hoenn region. Find out what you can, and see if you can make this prophecy any more clear.”
“Understood, Ignitus.”
Ignitus then gave a curt nod before warmly gazing at Spyro with the proud look that only a father could give, before teleporting him back to the village in his hut…right on top of Cynder.
“Oof! Spyro, get off me!” Cynder whined.
“Uh, sorry.” Spyro flapped his wings and got off the squashed black dragon, allowing her to stand up. “Cynder, I’ve got to go somewhere far away…and I was wondering if…well…”
“Is it full of danger? Containing the chance you may not come back alive?”
“Well…yes.”
“Then of course I’m going with you, you big dork. I have to keep you safe, remember? Otherwise you’d just go charging in and get yourself killed”
“You know me too well.” Spyro said, giving a slight laugh, before he and Cynder touched claws and flew off into the air, following the directions Ignitus had implanted in Spyro’s head.
Across the world, in the Hoenn region…
The city of Mossdeep was bright and colorful, full of jubilance over the recent Draconid Festival honoring the mighty god of the Draconid people, protector of the planet. The streets were bustling with people, Tate and Liza were handing out party favors in Mossdeep Gym, and even the scientists at the space station were enjoying themselves, draping the rockets with pictures of Lunatone and Solrock.
The only ones not celebrating were two men, deep in the bowels of the former hideout of Team Aqua, who had tried resurrecting Kyogre the Pokemon of the seas to expand the waters.
“Hmm…Archie, was there no other place we could do this? It’s horribly wet in here and my socks are getting soaked to the bone.” This was said by the one wearing glasses, a red lab coat, and a full head of read hair, who was known as Maxie, leader of Team Magma, who had once resurrected Groudon, the continent Pokemon, to expand the land.
“Man, you just gotta lighten up. We may be livin’ in the dark now, but soon our plan and shit will be set into motion, and we’ll be all powerful! So just quit yer whining and enjoy dem crabs in your dinner.” Archie, leader of Team Aqua, bellowed.
“Hmm…very well. So, are we in agreement on my-er I mean our, plan?” Maxie asked.
“Yeah, I guess so. Sneak past the Sky Pillar guards, use this control device we got from Cyrus to bring Rayquaza under our control, and then use it to conquer the region and then the world. Then we…share…the power.” Archie said.
“Good…with the citizens of Mossdeep and Sootopolis distracted by that ridiculous Draconid festival, we will be able to sneak in completely undetected. The Hoenn region, nay, the planet, will soon belong to Team Steam Eruption.”
“Maxie, I respect ya, but I’m still not really sold on that name.” Archie butted in.
“The name is of little importance. Now, let’s get to the submarine.”
The two geographical juggernauts jumped into the nearby sub, before it submerged and exited the cave, headed for the nearby Sky Pillar standing as a symbol of the region itself. They made sure to stay out of sight as they emerged behind the pillar, away from the prying eyes of the Gym Leader Wallace standing guard. As they stepped out on to the beach, they looked upward and saw how tall the tower was.
“So…how we gonna get up there?” Maxie asked.
“Hmph. Groudon, I choose you!” Maxie called, before pulling out an Ultra Ball and tossing it, revealing the continent Pokemon Groudon within. It was titanic.
“Groudon, use Rock Climb!”
The two villains got on Groudon’s back, before it shrunk down and clasped the tower with its hands, pulling itself up bit by bit, dodging Banette and Dusclops along the way, until it finally reached the top, where a large green dragon was resting.
“Groudon, you have served your purpose well. Return.”
As Groudon disappeared back into its ball, Maxie pulled out the control device. Then, very carefully, he tiptoed up to the sleeping behemoth, before climbing its neck and placing the gadget on Rayquaza’s head. Satisfied with his handiwork, Maxie slithered back down the neck and pulled out a remote, pressing the red button.
The device suddenly flared to life, and Rayquaza sat up, it’s eyes glowing red with malice.
“Uh…hey man, ya think it worked?”
“There is only way to find out, my foul mouthed ‘friend'” Maxie snarkily replied, turning to Rayquaza.
“My mighty beast, I command you, raze Mossdeep City to the ground!”
Rayquaza roared, before hovering in the air and then flying at unimaginable speeds towards the city. The two villains started laughing at their success, before they were interrupted by the sudden arrival of Zinnia, lorekeeper of the Draconid race, and Wallace.
“What have you two done? I thought you had changed!” Wallace exclaimed.
“You are far too easily fooled, you addle-pated twit. And now that my mighty beast is set to destroy all I command it to, you will henceforth refer to me as ‘Supreme Leader Maxie’!”
“Whoawhoawhoa…hold up. I thought we were equals in this!” Archie yelled.
“Yes, about that. Now that I have what I want, I don’t need you anymore. So after Rayquaza burns Mossdeep, I’ll have it turn its Hyper Beam on you!”
“Hey genius, you’re not the only one with a remote, ya know?” Archie pulled out his own copy of the remote, and pressed the blue button.
“Rayquaza, I command you to attack this poser and show him the true power of Team Aqua!”
Rayquaza stopped in his tracks and turned around, eyes blue now, before racing towards the tower.
“NO! Rayquaza, destroy Mossdeep!”
“Rayquaza, destroy Maxie!”
“Destroy Mossdeep!”
“Destroy Maxie!”
“MOSSDEEP!”
“MAXIE!”
“MOSS-!”
“MAX-!”
They were about to yell their next command, mashing their respective buttons over and over, when their remotes couldn’t take the strain and finally broke, releasing Rayquaza from their command.
“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” The two yelled in unison.
The device fell of Rayquaza’s head, as he shook it to focus his thoughts, before turning to his tower and seeing the two who had been controlling him all along.
Rayquaza was infuriated. How dare these pathetic humans shackle their protector and god in this manner? They would soon pay, pay with their lives.
Rayquaza flew towards the tower and rose to his full height, glowering at the two villain team leaders.
“Uh…hey, Rayquaza? How’s it going? Doin’ alright?” Archie asked, cowardice rising in his voice.
“Rayquaza, you must understand, uh, it was never my intention to shackle one as great as you. No, I was simply trying to…stop this one here from doing it, committing the ultimate noble act to save this region. If you must punish someone, punish this oaf who knows not how to respect the deities of our world.” Maxie explained.
Rayquaza was clearly unimpressed, as he opened his mouth and unleashed his mighty Dragon Pulse on the unfortunate souls, burning them to a crisp. With that done, Rayquaza still hadn’t satiated his bloodlust, as he turned towards Zinnia and Wallace and prepared to fire again.
“Uh…maybe we should take cover.” Zinnia squeaked, as she and Wallace ran down the steps of the Sky Pillar.
Since Rayquaza couldn’t fit in the tunnel, he decided to turn his attention to the nearest city, Sootopolis, and destroy it. Roaring into the sky once more, he set off for his destination.
It was at this time that Spyro and Cynder had finally arrived. Their wings were so tired that when they finally landed, they couldn’t fly anymore and had to wait about 10 minutes. When they finally did, they noticed Rayquaza flying through the sky, headed for Sootopolis City.
“Another dragon? You think that the prophecy was trying to tell us something about Terrador being manipulated?”
“Spyro, I don’t think that’s Terrador.”
Spyro took a closer look and saw how the dragon was much longer, sleeker, and had a different head shape.
“Yeah…I think you’re right. Hmm…maybe this dragon is what brings about the apocalypse caused by those guys in the visions. Well, whatever it is, I have to go stop it.”
“Spyro, don’t you think you’ll need help?”
“Cynder, if you try to help me, you’ll only get incinerated. It’s best if I go it alone.” Spyro said with confidence.
“Alright…good luck”
And with that, Cynder and Spyro nuzzled each other for a brief moment before Spyro took off into the sky, headed for the dragon terrorizing the region. When he finally reached it, he called out “Hey! Hey! Turn around and look at me, you scaly piece of crap!”
Rayquaza cocked his ears and turned around, seeing another dragon, a midget purple one, floating in front of him.
“‘Who the heck is this joker? Must be something else those stupid humans came up with to stop me. Whatever, I’m not gonna stop until I get revenge for those human’s manipulation of me!'” Rayquaza angrily thought to himself as he roared in Spyro’s face.
“Look, I ideally don’t want to fight you. I’m a dragon, you’re a dragon, maybe we can work something ou-“
Unfortunately Spyro didn’t get to finish his sentence as Rayquaza chomped down at the spot he had been a mere second ago. “Okay, I don’t think you heard me, I just want-“
But again, he had to dodge as Rayquaza fired a Hyper Beam his way, destroying the clouds behind Spyro.
“Huh…okay, I see that you’re not going to be nice and talk. So I guess I’ll just have to force you to stop attacking these people!” Spyro yelled, getting into a battle stance, Rayquaza doing the same.
Wallace and Zinnia crept up onto the roof of the tower and saw Rayquaza facing off against Spyro.
“What kind of Pokemon is that?” Zinnia questioned, pulling out her Pokedex.
“No information available.” The Pokedex reported. “So it must be something new we’ve never seen before. And it’s taking on Rayquaza himself? You think he’ll be okay, Wallace?”
“Whatever the case, that purple dragon is our only hope of calming Rayquaza. Let’s just hope he can prevail.”
“Alright, big guy, let’s start off nice and slow here. I don’t wanna hurt you too bad, ya know, and I am the purple dragon. So, it might be best if you just calm down and-WOAH!”
Spyro had to rapidly dodge to the side like a matador to avoid Rayquaza’s sudden charge, causing the serpentine dragon to miss him entirely and slam into the Sky Pillar, leaving a massive dent in its side. The tower began to wobble unsteadily, threatening to collapse.
“Uh…Wallace?” Zinna squeaked.
“I know.”
“Salamence, I choose YOU!” Zinnia called, bringing out a Quick Ball and releasing her faithful dragon. Zinnia and Wallace then got on its back before it rose into the air and flew all the way to a nearby island, landing on top of a palm tree. Once there, Zinnia recalled her Salamence as they sat back to witness the brawl.
Rayquaza shook his head, before turning around to face Spyro again, charging once more.
“Again? This guy never learns, does he? Beating him might be easier than I thought!” Spyro taunted, dodging to the side once again.
However, Rayquaza wouldn’t be fooled twice. Just as he passed Spyro, he flicked his tail at the unsuspecting dragon, smacking him in the side and sending him crashing into the ocean, creating a giant wave spreading out in all directions. However, it wasn’t enough to keep Spyro down, as he just got up and took to the skies once again, clashing into Rayquaza as he did so. The two flew all across the clouds, hitting each other and over again with their skulls, neither one conceding to the other, until finally they stopped as they flew over Fortree City.
“Hmm…guess maybe you won’t be so easy to take down after all. No biggie. I’ve taken on things way bigger than you. Let’s see how you deal with me turning up the HEAT!”
With that, Spyro opened his mouth as a faint glowing light appeared within, growing brighter and brighter until it finally released as a blast of fire, aimed directly at Rayquaza. The green behemoth was in the epicenter of the blast as it covered every part of him, yet when the dust cleared, he was still standing, a little scorched, but no worse for wear. If anything, he seemed more pissed off than hurt.
“Huh? Usually that’s enough to kill your bargain basement Grublins or Ape Guards. Guess this one’s a little bit tougher. And a tougher enemy deserves a tougher blast.”
Spyro charged up his fire breath again, but this time kept holding the charge as he dodged all of Rayquaza’s charges, until he finally let loose Dragsooth’s Fire Blast of the Eternal Inferno, creating a flame cone almost as big as the Sky Pillar, turning all the nearby ocean water to steam and scorching the underwater Corsola and Relicanth. And yet, Rayquaza still remained standing, albeit he was starting to show some signs of damage.
“Oh, I get it. Fire isn’t very effective against him, but it still does damage. Maybe depending on what element I use, I can deal more damage. But what elements are good against him? I don’t know, I guess I’ll keep trying until I find it.” Spyro mentally strategized.
Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to rest as Rayquaza retaliated with a beam attack of his own at long last. He coated his body in energy and then flicked his tail multiple times, releasing waves of wind energy straight at Spyro. Each one smacked him in the face, until the last one hit him and sent him flying into a nearby island, cracking it in two. This attack was the fearsome Air Slash, and with that, Rayquaza let out a triumphant screech into the air, as if saying Beat that, ya punks!
Unfortunately for the titanic terror of the skies, Spyro wasn’t quite down and out yet, as he sat up. Cocking his head, he released another series of attacks from his mouth, this time being Malak’s Fire Bomb of the Burning Plains. Rayquaza was too busy grandstanding to notice the attacks coming as they pelted him hard, causing him to slowly lose altitude and fall towards the ocean, the domain of Kyogre.
“Aw yeah, this is happenin’!” Spyro exclaimed, taking to the air once more as he decided to change tactics, switching to his Electricity breath. He noticed that Rayquaza had fallen into the water, and got an idea. He aimed his next blast at the water and fired, an arc of thunderous electricity surging from his mouth and striking the water a second later, causing the liquid around Ray-Ray to become alight with sparks that electrocuted the struggling beast, leaving it blackened.
“‘Hmm…that electricity seemed to do more damage overall. Maybe I should just…keep using that. Or maybe I’ll save that as a secondary and keep cycling through. Alright, so after electricity breath comes…lightning bombs!'”
Spyro lobbed one of Penagar’s Thundering Electric Arcs at the stunned Rayquaza, but Rayquaza managed to snap out of it just in time to retaliate by using Extreme Speed to dodge out of the way of the attack as quick as can be as he flew up to Spyro and started smacking him with extreme force in all directions, not giving Spyro a second to react to avoid it.
“‘Hmph. This stupid whelp doesn’t know my power. It is time, now and forever, to show him what happens when one chooses to tamper with my power.'” Rayquaza thought angrily, as he continued bashing poor Spyro upside the head.
“‘Uurgh…this power is something truly special. Maybe even more powerful than Malefor. Guess I really gotta step it up if I wanna win.'”
As Rayquaza charged in for another assault, Spyro wreathed his body in lightning energy and began spinning around at inhuman speeds, turning into an Electric Tornado of doom that intercepted the Extreme Speed and redirected its force into the Sky Temple once again, causing the emerald warrior to smash into the wall once again, Chatots circling Rayquaza’s eyes as he dropped to the ground below.
“Aw yeah. Let’s try the next power: EARTH!”
Spyro switched to his newest breath attack and fired Yangdrithis’s Shattering Earth Shot at Rayquaza with all his might. However, due to the embarrassingly short-ranged nature of the attack, the blast didn’t even reach a fifth of the distance needed to reach Rayquaza on the ground. Not one to be deterred, Spyro continued to launch attacks at a steady rate, not realizing how much he was draining his already dwindling supply of mana.
“This clearly isn’t working, and that big ass dragon is about to wake up! Better switch to-“
Spyro was stopped in his tracks when Rayquaza ascended and stood eye to eye with Spyro, breathing heavily. Spyro could feel his heart rising up in his chest as he faced down this beast that was floating before him now, and grew even more scared when Rayquaza opened his mouth and started pooling large quantities of draconic, nuclear energy within, making the power grow more and more and more until finally…
HYPER BEAM!
Rayquaza shot a concentrated blast of energy out of his mouth that hit Spyro dead on and sent the young dragon flying thousands of miles away, to a place Rayquaza hadn’t been in quite a long time…
When Spyro finally landed, he was smack dab in the middle of Castelia City, in the faraway Unova region, crashing into the Medal HQ building and causing it to collapse into pieces, endangering and even killing those inside. Spyro tried to reach inside and offer assistance, but the people were either too scared of the dragon who had seemingly caused this catastrophe, or were too weak to grasp the dragon’s wings before the structure crumbled.
“MMM….RAYQUAZA, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, SO HELP ME I WILL STOP YOU AS VENGEANCE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!” Spyro yelled to the heavens.
He felt a familiar surge running through his body, the power of darkness. “Nonono…gotta keep that under control. If it got loose who knows how dangerous I could be? I don’t wanna hurt these people, they’re innocent” Spyro said cautiously.
He then was brought back from his momentary stupor by the sound of an earsplitting roar echoing and rebounding off the nearby windows. “Goddamit, can’t this thing just…leave me alone or something? I guess not. Ah well, better try something else. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this, but clearly I have no choice.”
With that, Spyro reached into hammerspace and pulled out 9 pieces of armor, equipping 3 of them, which gave him the power of regenerating his lost vitality, as well as increasing his defense and turning his very skin into a weapon that would damage enemies who dared try to attack him.
Rayquaza was not deterred, as he simply opened his mouth and fired yet another destructive move, this time being the marvelous Ancient Power, summoning a set of fossilized rocks and throwing them at the unsuspecting purple dragon.
When Rayquaza hit Spyro this time however, Spyro experienced a stabbing pain that he hadn’t felt from any of Rayquaza’s previous attacks, almost as if his entire body was straining to keep itself from falling apart. “‘But this doesn’t make any sense. Those other attacks were way more powerful than this one…maybe it has to do with the type of move it was. Maybe I fall victim to the same move weaknesses and strengths as this other guy. That was a bunch of rocks, so I guess any move with that type of element is gonna hurt a lot. Duly noted.”
Sadly, this particular display of weakness from the purple dragon was not lost on Rayquaza. “‘Hmm…it seems like this other, inferior dragon is weak to my Ancient Power. Perhaps it is something akin to me, a creature who possesses the power of both draconians and flight. So…I should focus my power into my pulses of deadly wyvernic energy, and these rock shards. He may have been able to heal from my first volley of attacks, but I am sure that under repeated offense, this whelp will fall like all those before him.'” Rayquaza summarized as he flew down to see his masterful handiwork.
Spyro was lying on the street, barely conscious after that last attack. Panting as he got to his feet, he began pacing around in a circle, locking eyes with Rayquaza as it sort of did something similar.
“Do you know what kind of power I possess, buddy? More than you could ever dream of. I have more abilities in my right claw then you could have in 10,000 lifetimes, and now I’m going to prove it. You’ve pissed me off, and now you’re going to see the fruits of your labor. Enjoy.”
The air began turning a greenish color, imbued with the images of leaves and flowers whipping about all over the place as a column of natural energy began forming around Spyro. Time seemed to slow down briefly around the dragon as he pulled the energy in close, letting it fester and grow until finally…it was released.
Destructive waves of earthen energy flowed without rest as Fury of Kytheron’s Wrath of Nature was set in motion, causing Castelia City’s buildings, streets, and even sewer system to collapse in on themselves, buckling under the sheer power and intensity of this dragon’s rage. No one was safe, not even the leader of Castelia City, Burgh, as the spider webs in his gym began falling apart.
“I said I wanted dynamic movements of my muses for my artwork, but this is ridiculous!” Burgh yelled as he was crushed by the weight of the webs.
Rayquaza, meanwhile, was blown away by the sheer power and force of the attack, causing him to be sent flying all the way to someplace very familiar to Spyro, as he once again spread his wings and took flight…for home.
At the Dragon Temple…
Rayquaza rapidly made his descent, crashing through the temple roof and destroying the ancient Dragon Statue in the Training Room. Rocks falling all around him, Rayquaza slowly got up and groggily looked around, trying to make heads or tails of where he was.
“‘Hrmph. It appears that I have landed in some place completely unfamiliar. This doesn’t look like any region I’ve ever seen. And…I can feel the presence of massive draconic energy. Something incredibly powerful, yet vaguely familiar…Whatever it is, it’s time I stopped fooling around with this young dragon. He deserves my full power and attention, for the brief moments that remain to him.'”
Rayquaza then closed his eyes, curled up into a little pile, and began concentrating, drawing in energy from his surroundings, energy that would allow him to finally achieve his true power without the aid of humans…
Meanwhile, Spyro was trying to find out where exactly Rayquaza had crashed. He had received a message from Ignitus pointing him in the direction of the old Dragon Temple, but he didn’t get anything else.
“Hehe…this place takes me back. Wonder how Volteer and Terrador and Cyril are doing? And Sparx…” Spyro reminisced, touching down on the balcony, only to see a familiar face.
“HEY, Spyro!”
Spyro rubbed his eyes with his wing and glanced again, believing this to be an illusion. But no, standing(or rather, hovering) right there, in the flesh, was Spyro’s oldest and closest friend, Sparx. Spyro hadn’t seen him since the day they had defeated Malefor, as Sparx had chosen to go on his own journey to become strong just like Spyro.
“Sparx? It’s been forever! How you doing, buddy?”
“Eh, you know, just keepin’ busy. Like, just a while ago I was visiting those Atlawans. They’re still worshippin’ me like a god. Then I decided to go and see Mole-Yair and the Manweersmalls. But I had to cut the visit short cuz Boyzitbig was about to erupt. They did send a postcard in the mail though, but I think it might have burned up, so…after that, I visited this monastery up in the clouds. It was paradise, with beautiful food and…monkeys. It was kinda weird but they taught me these sweet martial arts techniques. HOOWAA! HIYAH! HEKDKE!” Sparx rambled.
“Sparx, it’s great to see you, but I don’t have time to catch up. There’s a giant green dragon here and we gotta stop him!” Spyro warned.
“Oh, you mean like Malefor? Well…I don’t like it, but I’ll follow you anywhere, man.”
“Thanks, Sparx. I knew I could count on you.”
“Hey, if it’s not me it’s the queen of darkness herself, and somethin’ tells me you need a…softer touch.” Sparx responded.
The two smiled at each other…right as a giant beam of light descended from the heavens and struck the temple’s roof. “C’mon, Sparx, let’s go!” Spyro yelled, racing inside, the golden dragonfly hot on his tail. As they reached the inner sanctum of the temple, they noticed a giant purple cocoon sphere where the Dragon Statue had once been. “Uh…friend of yours?” Sparx asked.
“If I’m right about my hunch, definitely not.”
The sphere began pulsating and expanding, with tiny cracks appearing on its surface, like it was about to break apart.
“…Spyro?” Sparx said with fear.
“Whatever happens, stay behind me.”
“You don’t gotta tell me twice, oh great and mighty dragon.”
With that, all hell broke loose as the cocoon finally shattered, revealing Rayquaza…but not Rayquaza. He still maintained the same basic appearance, but now had an extra pair of horns on the side of his head, yellow Omega symbol streams dangling off his body, and had turned a menacing looking black color. Unbeknownst to Spyro at the time, this was Rayquaza’s final form…
“Uh…Spyro, I’m not gonna lie. That thing scares the crap outta me. I’m not sure we can beat it.” Sparx whispered.
“It’s okay Sparx. Win or lose, we do this together. But we aren’t going to lose.” Spyro said encouragingly.
“For my sake, I hope you’re right.”
Rayquaza let out an earth shattering roar that made a dent in the temple walls, before lowering his head to gaze at Spyro with a look of undisguised anger and power.
“Hehe…hey buddy. So…listen. I didn’t really mean all that trash talk from earlier. I think you’re really…really cool, and I really wanna-“
Spyro didn’t get to finish his kiss up attempt, as Rayquaza up and chomped down on Spyro’s head with Crunch. Flailing his head all over the place, Rayquaza tossed Spyro like a rag doll, catching him again with his mouth.
“Hold on man, I’ma coming!” Sparx called as he flew up until he was level with Rayquaza’s head, then began smacking the giant dragon with his wings. However, due to Sparx’s diminutive side, it was essentially the equivalent of a flea trying to hurt a dog. But it did distract Rayquaza long enough as he was flicking the dragonfly off for Spyro to free himself from Rayquaza’s jaws. Thankfully, the armor on Spyro’s head took the brunt of the attack, but it was pretty much beyond repair. So Spyro reached back into hammerspace and pulled out a new helm, placing it on his head and giving him the ability of increased melee attack damage.
And just in time too, for Rayquaza was charging in with another Crunch. Spyro jumped into the air and delivered unto Rayquaza a series of tail smacks and horn attacks before finally delivering a finishing attack and sending Rayquaza smashing into the far wall and into the room with the Pool of Visions.
Rayquaza had taken a lot of damage, so he decided to heal really quick. He once again curled into a little coil and went to sleep, using his Rest to heal all damage and status ailments, at the cost of being unable to defend himself.
“EARTH BOMBS AWAY!”
Spyro began shooting tons of Hargen’s Earth Bombs of Spinning Terror at the motionless Rayquaza, rocking and jostling the sleeping biomass all over the room while it could do nothing to prevent it.
“‘Uurgh…this is annoying. I must wake up now. NOW! NOW NOW NOW!'”
Rayquaza’s inner screams of primal rage were enough to end the long slumber, and he countered the next earth bomb with a well placed Hyper Voice, redirecting the earth bomb back at the unsuspecting Spyro…or at least he assumed it was unexpected. In actuality, Spyro had seen it coming and activated his earth flail, swinging it around and hitting the bomb back at Rayquaza, who countered it this time by swirling his body in the air at speeds fast enough to create a Twister, which intercepted the bomb and sent it back once more, this time succeeding in hitting Spyro and knocking him out.
While Spyro was incapacitated, Rayquaza took the opportunity to use a Dragon Dance, channeling his inner mystical energies to boost his power and speed to levels not seen before, and then reached down and picked Spyro up with one of his claws, staring him in the face. When Spyro woke up, he was face to face with Rayquaza, who suddenly twisted and contorted his facade into one of sheer malice.
“OH SHIT!” Spyro screeched as he jumped away and hit his back on the wall, falling to the ground. As he got up, he noticed that he couldn’t move, for his feet were transfixed in horror at the power of Rayquaza’s Scary Face, making Spyro slower than ever as well as dampening the young dragons’ resolve.
“‘It’s time to finish this once and for all, impostor dragon!'”
“Y-y-yeah, su-su-sure. L-like I’d l-let that hap-happen!” Spyro stammered, switching to his next breath, the breath of wind. With that, he fired a wind tornado at Rayquaza, who activated Twister once again to block the tornado. Spyro kept shooting tornadoes as fast as he could at the swirling mass, and Rayquaza kept deflecting them. However, not even the god of the Hoenn region could block these vortexes forever, and eventually 2 managed to slip through and strike Rayquaza directly, spinning him around and around in the air and making him dizzy, leaving him wide open as Spyro switched to the next, and in this case most effective, of his elemental breaths, that being Ice. He fired Bissthalan’s Hypothermic Ice Stream at the stunned Rayquaza, and Rayquaza screeched in agony as the cold touched his body. He began thrashing about, desperately attempting to stave off the damage from his fatal weakness.
“Ah ha! It seems that ice is the most effective form of dealing damage here. Good to know!” Spyro exclaimed before attempting to fire again…
only to realize he had finally reached his limit on mana output, and he was now defenseless.
“Uh oh.”
Rayquaza was clearly not amused, as he rose to his full height, anger burning in his eyes, and activated his mighty Delta Stream to summon a mighty hurricane that blew away the entire temple in the blink of an eye.
Spyro stared in horror as the place where he had been taught his true destiny, the place where he had lived among his friends for so long, the place where he had finally felt safe after living in the dark for so long…was just swept away, permanently.
Spyro snapped.
He breathed heavily, eyes alight with anger, as he fixed Rayquaza with a glare that could destroy cities, as his eyes turned as white as a ghost, his scales became black with fury, and a fearsome storm surrounded him, shooting ambient lightning bolts in all directions, as if to announce the arrival of the ultimate destroyer, the one who would singlehandedly bring about the end of days. Then, the dust settled, the clouds dispersed, and what was left was a small black dragon filled with enough hate and anger to rival Asura himself. This was Dark Spyro, and he was pissed off.
“Alright…I tried going easy on you, but you’ve crossed the line! Now…now I’M GONNA KILL YOU, BASTARD!” Spyro screamed to the heavens, dripping dark energy from his mouth as he prepared to fire.
Rayquaza opened his mouth too, a stream of purple energy appearing within, almost alive in how vengeful and angry it appeared to be. Both of them continued to charge, pouring all their energy into the attacks, until finally…
Spyro’s powerful Aether Breath and Rayquaza’s Dragon Pulse shot out and collided with each other in an epic beam struggle. Purple clashed with purple, light vs dark, Jesus vs Satan(okay, maybe that last one is going a bit too far). But neither one seemed to gain the decisive edge they needed to pull out ahead.
That is, until Spyro put more energy and juice into the attack, causing to grow wider and wider until it eclipsed Rayquaza’s Dragon Pulse by several meters of width, and slowly gained ground, diminishing the size of Rayquaza’s attack bit by bit.
To avoid the damage, Rayquaza used Fly, rapidly ascending into the stratosphere to avoid damage. “Where’d you go, you stupid coward!? I’ll find you and END YOU!” Spyro bellowed, unaware of how Rayquaza was descending right above his head, too late to avoid the crushing sensation of Rayquaza squashing Spyro underbelly, before getting off to avoid the counterattack.
“Uurgh…piece of shit. TAKE THIS!” Spyro yelled, before firing his Aether Breath once again and toppling Rayquaza.
“Huh…looks like this power is super good too. Good to know.”
Rayquaza lay on the ground, defeated. “Hehe…looks like I win! And as my prize…I’m gonna destroy everything that you’ve ever known, and everything in a thousands mile radius of that. All GONE! So I hope you enjoyed your little ‘kingdom’, asshole, because it’s gonna be gone soon!” Spyro taunted.
While he was in the middle of his monologue, he heard a flapping sound, so he turned around and saw Cynder, along with Sparx, flying up to reach him.
“Cynder, get out of here! I don’t want you getting in the way when I annihilate this trash!”
“Spyro, that’s just it! This isn’t you. You’re not thinking clearly!” Cynder cried out.
“What do you know? I’m about to fulfill Ignitus’s prophecy and save us all! This is my destiny! So get the hell out of here, before I kill you too!” Spyro then backhanded(or backwinged, I suppose) Cynder across the face, sending her sprawling on the ground.
“Alright, man, that’s it! No way the Spyro I know would want to hurt his friends. Snap out of it buddy, come on! You can do it, man, please!”
Spyro blinked his eyes, and then pupils reappeared within them. “S-Sparx? Is that you…I’m sorry.” Spyro then began turning back to his normal form, with a guilty look in his eyes. “Uh…I’m sorry about all this guys. I guess…I guess the temple being destroyed made me go too far. I gotta be more careful.”
“If you can live that long. This fight isn’t over yet. LOOK OUT!” Cynder warned.
Spyro turned to see Rayquaza had finally gotten up, bruised and battered, but still very much alive. Enraged, Rayquaza channeled his anger into one of his most powerful moves, Outrage. Twisting and writhing, Rayquaza slammed his head down onto Spyro, expecting the young dragon to disappear into a mess of red blood and guts.
Unfortunately, the attack just happened to slam into Spyro’s newly created amber barrier, shielding him and his friends from the effects of Rayquaza’s attack. Unfortunately for the green giant, he couldn’t stop himself from engaging in Outrage once more, this time shattering the barrier. Unknown to Rayquaza was the fact that doing that allowed Spyro to free himself when he wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.
While Rayquaza was distracted by the crystal breaking, Spyro unleashed Hydrax’ Ice Shards of Arctic Hail on the stunned Rayquaza, but the Delta Stream halved the damage making it so Rayquaza was relatively unharmed somewhat. Frustrated, Spyro then equipped his second armor set to allow him to use the Aether Breath for a second time, with the combination of Ice and Dragon element attacks leaving Rayquaza with thousands of wounds all over his body, all spewing blood onto the ground. While Rayquaza was distracted, Spyro switched to his third and final armor set in order to unleash a nuclear firestorm from his mouth unto the poor Rayquaza, engulfing him in a mushroom cloud the size of a city.
When it was all over, Rayquaza was barely alive. He was clawing at the ground feebly in a desperate attempt to stave off his inevitable demise, in a way unbefitting for a warrior such as himself.
“‘Uuh…how can I…how can I be losing this? This was supposed to be a fight I could win with ease. Instead I’m kowtowing to this fool on the ground. Goddamit!'”
“Hey? Hey man…you okay?”
Rayquaza feebly opened his eyes to see Spyro was kneeling next to him, extending his wing. “Look…I guess I’ve realized in all this that…well…both of us were being kinda stubborn and hard headed. Me especially. If it weren’t for my friends…I might have lost myself to the darkness and destroyed everything, and that’s not what I want. I want to create a world of peace, a world where everyone can live in harmony with both nature and each other. And the first step is for us to make up. You know, dragon to dragon? So…why don’t you put ‘er there, and we can go hang out or something? What do you say?”
Rayquaza was still for quite a long time. It seemed like the planet itself had stalled, awaiting Rayquaza’s decision. Then…the mighty dragon got up, and outstretched his miniature hand to Spyro.
Spyro smiled and reached out his own claw to shake, as Rayquaza struck, aiming another Crunch at Spyro’s head. However, Spyro managed to use Dragon Time to slow time down and dodge the attack, before kicking out and smacking Rayquaza into the wall, but there was no wall to smack into, so Rayquaza simply recovered, and began his final, most devastating attack, flying high into the stars before becoming a green ball of energy and careening towards the Earth, using Dragon Ascent to full effect.
“Spyro…”
“Ignitus?”
“It is time to unleash the true dragon, within you.”
Spyro nodded and equipped his armor to boost the power of his fury attacks, before activating his final move. Purple sparks surrounded Spyro on all sides, gradually coalescing into exact, ethereal replicas of Spyro’s head. The very air turned the darkest shade of purple, and thunderstorms ravaged the battlefield. The construct heads grew larger, and larger, and larger, until finally…
Spyro released them, as they flew up towards Rayquaza and clashed with Dragon Ascent.
It seemed that all around the collision, the universe was beginning to unmake itself. The sheer power and mind bending nature of the attack was just so that planet was beginning to crack apart, unable to hold firm against the strain the attack was putting on it. It seemed like it would finally end, in a tie, but something happened.
Rayquaza was beginning to tire, and his Dragon Ascent slowly started to lose momentum, while the Spyro heads continued to collide, showing no signs of dropping in power. Until at long last, Rayquaza finally gave up and stopped in midair as Aether Fury hit him from all directions, causing bloody gashes to appear in Rayquaza’s hide, until finally the last head ran straight through Rayquaza’s stomach, slicing the dragon in half.
Rayquaza roared to the heavens for the very last time, before the two halves of his body hit the ground, and Rayquaza’s eyes stared blankly into the sky, doomed to move no more.
Spyro, the last one standing, continued to flap his wings in the air, his eyes half closed and tired from the stress the battle had put on him. “Wow…that guy was real tough. I wonder if there are more like him. Cuz if there are…I think I wanna stay away from them.”
“Spyro!” Cynder and Sparx called, flying up next to the purple protector.
“Hey guys…look, let’s go home. I’m tired, and I need to rest.” Spyro informed. The other two nodded, and together the trio flew off for Avalar, their home, to recover.
Shadow: Wow…who woulda guessed Rayquaza was such a dick.
Bowser: Now hold on, he did protect the Hoenn region. That was nice of him.
Shadow: Yeah…maybe. Still don’t like him too much though.
JJ: Anyway…I suppose we might as well discuss why exactly Rayquaza…well…didn’t win.
Shadow: You wanna go first, or should I?
JJ: Nah, it’s cool. Anyway, this fight was certainly rather close. Both characters definitely were very powerful in many ways, but only one of them truly cut the mustard where it really mattered, so to speak.
Bowser: First of all, going over AP, both of them are roughly the same at their most powerful, with Spyro being able to put a planet back together that was falling apart, and Mega Rayquaza was able to obliterate Grand Meteor Delta and is roughly comparable to Mewtwo, who has Multi-Continent to Planet feats of his own. Although the planet stuff is a bit iffy and relies on telekinesis feats from Super Mystery Dungeon which may or may not be legit, but let’s just say they are.
Shadow: In terms of speed, in the main series the fastest Spyro has gone is Superhuman with MHS reactions via dodging lightning in the clouds in the final battle with Malefor, while Rayquaza should be Sub-Relativistic via being superior to Pikachu by a wide margin, and at the very least should be Mach 2000+. So it seems like Rayquaza takes this category…but he doesn’t for one reason: Skylanders. In Skylanders, Spyro is able to scale to certain characters that can go anywhere from MHS to Relativistic, putting Spyro’s top speed overall at a much higher level than Rayquaza can reach.
Bowser: Verstality was also another point in Spyro’s favor. Most of Rayquaza’s moves are either of the Flying, Dragon, or Normal element, with 1 Rock and 1 Dark move mixed in. Spyro, by contrast, is very accomplished at 4 elements(technically 5 including Aether), and has dabbled in 2, making his overall learnset more varied.
JJ: Spyro is also much more experienced, since even though Rayquaza has lived for far longer, most of the time he either patrols the ozone layer or is sleeping. Very little time of his has actually been spent fighting, whereas Spyro has been fighting in every appearance he’s in.
Shadow: Spyro also took intelligence, obviously. Rayquaza is far from an idiot, and Spyro is no genius, but he is at the very least book smart via being able to understand a character like Volteer’s fast and intelligent dialogue, and is actually capable of basic sentences. Rayquaza, by contrast, is very much a one track mind warrior.
Bowser: Another advantage in Spyro’s favor? One of Spyro’s main elements is Ice. You know. The thing that Rayquaza is super weak to? Yeah, that. And if that didn’t work, Spyro also has his Aether breath as a secondary option as a draconic element, which Rayquaza is also weak to. While Rayquaza has his own dragon moves to hit Spyro for big damage, that’s the only option Rayquaza has that has an advantage over Spyro. Two elemental advantages, one of them being twice as valuable, vs one is a very clear difference.
Shadow: Also, there’s the Shadowstone to potentially seal Rayquaza in the Shadow Realm, but it’s rather debatable if it would work on something with roughly the same power. Another piece of hax is Dark Spyro’s ability to turn enemies to stone, but again, it’s debatable as to whether it would work on Rayquaza. It worked on Gaul, but that was the only time it was used, and Gaul was quite frankly nowhere near as powerful as Rayquaza
JJ: In terms of durability, both are roughly equal, with Spyro being able to tank hits from Malefor(who as a purple dragon should be roughly comparable to Spyro in power), and Rayquaza tanking the collision with Meteor Delta. Both also have healing, but Rayquaza’s Rest forces Rayquaza to go to sleep for awhile, which can leave him open to major damage from Spyro’s attacks, while Spyro’s healing from his armor and the red gems he can collect is, while slower overall, a better option to allow Spyro to keep fighting while healing. And if push comes to shove, Spyro also has armor that can boost his defense, along with the wing shield that can no sell bomb explosions, so we’ll say Spyro gets this point. Spyro is also superior to base Rayquaza, so that’s another minor point, though it’s not by a huge margin
Shadow: Now of course, Rayquaza has his own advantages. He has Dragon Type moves to deal extra damage, and his personality is better suited for a fight. Rayquaza does not hesitate to kill his opponent if he needs to, as shown by how he “killed” Deoxys in cold blood at the beginning of M07. Spyro, by contrast, fights to win, but generally chooses not to try to kill, with the exception of his Dark Spyro form. Also, Spyro’s barrier, if Rayquaza had let Spyro stay in there, would have ironically caused Spyro to lose since he could never escape it. Unfortunately for Rayquaza, his lack of mind for strategy, coupled with his proud warrior mentality and moves that forced Rayquaza to continue attacking like Outrage, make it so Rayquaza would not leave Spyro alone in the barrier. Mega Rayquaza also helps Rayquaza mitigate some forms of harm thanks to Delta Stream in addition to boosting offense, while Dark Spyro really only serves to boost offense, so point for the green one.
JJ: And I know what some people might say. “What about the time when Rayquaza fought the Unsealed Creation Trio in Hoopa and the Clash of Ages?”
Shadow: While, yes, Rayquaza did fight the Creation Trio(Which are at least Universal and MFTL+, more than enough to obliterate Spyro), not only did Rayquaza have help, but he never exhibits this level of power anywhere else in the series, most likely making it an outlier.
Bowser: Plus, Dragon Time, while not especially useful due to its short time limit, is a nice bonus to help further the speed gap somewhat.
JJ: Overall, while both characters were roughly even in durability and AP, and Rayquaza overall was more willing to kill and had his own options to deal lots of damage to Spyro, it was Spyro’s greater speed, versatility, intelligence, experience, and the fact that he possessed more ways and more deadly ways to harm Rayquaza that ultimately decided the match.
Bowser: You gotta be Ray-Crazy to argue with this outcome! Or not, it was very close.
Shadow: Eh, I’m just glad it didn’t drag-on.
Bowser: Shadow…
Shadow: Don’t get used to it.
JJ: The winner is Spyro, the Purple Dragon.
Spyro (Winner):
+ Faster + More Versatile + More Intelligent + More Experience, both in and out of combat + Has More things that would be effective on Rayquaza than the other way around + Slightly haxier -/+ Better Healing, but not instantaneous + Base Form is superior to Rayquaza’s Base Form = Durability = AP
= Both have finite number of attacks
+/- Spyro can regenerate his amount of attacks with green gems, but has less uses – Less bloodlusted outside of Dark Spyro
– Dark Spyro is somewhat less useful than Mega Rayquaza due to not providing any extra protection
Rayquaza (Loser):
– Slower – Less Versatile – Less Intelligent – Less Experienced – Less Hax – Less Supereffective moves on Spyro +/- Healing, while more instantaneous, leaves Rayquaza wide open – Base Form inferior to Spyro’s Base Form = Durability = AP
= Both have finite number of attacks
+/- Rayquaza has more uses of attacks, but cannot regenerate them like Spyro + More bloodlusted outside of Dark Spyro
+ Has maybe a slightly better transformation due to it offering protection
+Note: Rayquaza scales to Deoxys who scales to Mewtwo, who fought against Zygarde, who scales to Necrozma, who has a Solar System level feat. However, Mewtwo was stomped by Zygarde and dealt no damage to it on top of being one-shot, so scaling makes absolutely no sense, on top of it being an outlier for Mewtwo.
Epilogue:
Deep beneath the Earth, two titanic terrors stirred. After Archie and Maxie had bit the dust, the Legendary Pokemon sleeping within their balls were released and sent back underground to sleep once more. However, now that Rayquaza had passed on, his presence was no longer there to quell the rage and conflict between the two geo Pokemon. And now, Groudon(the continent ‘mon), and Kyogre(the ocean Pokemon), were stirring from their prison, their eyes alight with anger as they locked eyes, ready to begin their conflict once again. They grew in size and power steadily, until finally they were so big they broke a hole in the Seafloor Cavern, rising to the surface in order to fight. Their arrival brought the start of both monsoon-like rains and blistering droughts, causing all those who weren’t burned alive to be washed away by the rampant floods.
“Zinnia! Summon Rayquaza!” Wallace ordered.
“Uh…okay? But I don’t feel his energy. I think he’s…he’s…gone.” Zinnia said, eyes filled with tears.
“GONE!? Then how are we supposed to stop this?”
“I think I might have an idea.”
The two trainers turned around to see Spyro, Cynder and Sparx standing in front of them. “What are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough, you menace? Get the hell outta here!” Zinnia screeched.
“Look. I know you guys hate me for killing your god and all that. I never wanted it to go down that way, but it just happened. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But…let me try and stop that thing out there. I can do this, as long as my friends are with me.”
“Look, just give us a chance, okay? We’ll get it done.” Cynder proclaimed, with Sparx nodding his head in agreement.
Zinnia and Wallace exchanged a look before nodding. “I guess we don’t really have a choice, huh?”
With that, Spyro and co. flew out into Sootopolis City proper, where Kyogre and Groudon were about to square off.
Spyro spread his wings and gazed down at Groudon and Kyogre with a look of equal parts wisdom and disappointment. It seemed like Spyro was radiating power, channeling the spirit of Rayquaza himself in order to stop this conflict. When they saw the mighty dragon in the sky, Groudon and Kyogre immediately bowed in deference and retreated back underneath the waves. As they did, an astral image of Rayquaza appeared above Spyro’s head, almost as if the great dragon was passing the torch to this new guardian.
“Hey Wallace?”
“Yeah?”
“I think we’re gonna be alright.”
Wallace nodded, before looking up at the sky and saying “Thank you…Spyro the Dragon.”
Bowser: Our thoughts on the winner are now decided.
Shadow: Hey, it’s Bass! I remember seeing this asshat before. I kicked his ro-butt real good.
Bass: Like hell you did!
Shadow: Hmm, that’s funny. Lemme get my Android and see who won those Shadow vs Bass fights awhile ago…
Bowser: Shadow, didn’t you lose to Wario once?
Shadow: …I have no further comments.
Wario: WAAAAAAAAARIO THE WIIIIINER!
Shadow: This shit’s gonna be a one time thing, right?
JJ: I actually kinda like it. Maybe we should do this again?
Bowser: I agree. Let’s bring that roasted porkchop Ganondorf in here so I can shove something right up his-
JJ: Uh, I’m JJ, your host.
Bowser: I’m Bowser, the King of Swing-I mean Awesome.
Shadow: And I’m Shadow, and I’m better than you.
JJ: And it’s time…for a SMAAAAAAACKDOOOOOWN! —
It was a cold winter’s day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The snow was falling, glistening on the treetops like diamonds and forming large snowdrifts on the ground. On these drifts, the young Toad children of Toad Town were sledding, racing each other to get the fastest times in order to win the coveted hot cocoa prize given out by Princess Peach. Bowser’s Army, after the whole fiasco with King K. Rool and the teleportation device(see the crappy Bowser vs King K. Rool DBX), had decided to spend Christmas like normal, decorating Bowser’s Castle with colorful red and black lanterns lit by the Koopa King’s own flame. 12 calls to the Fire Department later, and they were finally done, along with setting up a Christmas tree that was…appropriated from a nearby forest.
Peach, meanwhile, was with Toadsworth in the main hall, also decorating with help from Mario and Luigi. As the resident green and red, rosy cheeked heroes, they were perfect to send invitations for the upcoming Christmas Party held at the castle. The tree was put in place, decorated with mementos of all the past. There was artwork of the Bros. and Bowser trouncing the Beanish maniac Fawful, them defeating Shadow Mario on Isle Delfino, and even traveling to the mysterious Space Junk Galaxy. However, one thing not on the tree, or anywhere else in the castle, were the big boned rival of Mario and the pin thin counterpart to Luigi, Wario and Waluigi. In fact, Princess Peach had specifically requested the Bros. to not drop by Wario’s castle specifically because the greedy twosome were not welcome at the party.
So while all the Toads and Koopas and even Shy Guys were getting invites as a celebration of peace and goodwill, high up in the castle Wario, there was only silence. The giant, cast iron gates clanged with the whipping wind, as the dead leaves swirled in a tornado by the front steps. The castle, once alit with a golden sheen, was now covered in moss and decay, and was clearly in need of a good scrubbing. Within the castle, most of the sweeping, spacious hallways were completely deserted, and there was no noise to be heard.
All except for the great hall, where two men were pacing around. One of them, Wario, was rather short and stout, with yellow clothes and purple overalls, as well as an exaggerated pink nose and zigzag mustache. The other, Waluigi, had a similar’s stache, but wore purple clothes and blue overalls instead. They paced around, muttering to themselves in low voices.
“Can’a you believe this’a, man! I can’ta believe the Princess didn’t invite us to-a the Christmas-a Party!” Wario rambled.
“Waluigi Number ONE!” Waluigi responded.
“Well, OK, I understanda why she didn’t invite-a you, but-a me? I’ma the KING of Charisma! I mean, just-a look at this great-a smile!” Wario scoffed, showing his pearly whites for all to see. “Ah, but itsa too late now. The party-a’s probably gonna start-a soon. Might as well just go-a and make-a something to eat. Whattya want?”
“Rrrgh, all the stores-a are closed cuz a this-a Christmas shit! No one’s gonna sell-a it to me! Forget it, let’sa just go talk-a to the princess, maybe she can-a help us!”
“Okay, bro.” Waluigi conceded, and with that the two put on their winter jackets purchased awhile ago and headed out the door towards the castle. On the way there, they passed through Toad Town, and whenever they passed by a Toad or a Toad family, they either ran away or chose to cover their children’s eyes to make sure they didn’t see the “disgusting trash” tarnishing their streets.
“Soon, bro, soon we-a will get this straightened-a out. But not now.” Wario whispered to Waluigi, who was clenching his fist in anger. Finally, the two made it to the front gates and rung the bell. A portion of the door swiveled around to reveal a TV Screen, with the Princess’s face dead center on it. “What are you two doing here? You weren’t exactly invited, you know!” Peach pointed out.
“We-a know, and we wanna know why! We’re-a model citizens of-a the Mushroom Kingdom, and we have-a our rights!” Wario yelled, attracting the attention of the other townsfolk. Waluigi slowly swiveled around to give an awkward wave before turning back to face the princess. “Yeah!”
“Well, quite frankly, you’re rude, mean, bossy, smelly, ugly, unhelpful blights on this kingdom. You haven’t done a single thing to help us rebuild after the whole wedding fiasco awhile back, and you aren’t even willing to do simple good deeds for people. And you expect to be invited to this party just like that?” Peach scorned.
“Look-a, princess, I know it looks-a bad, but-a just give us a chance. We can be-a helpful, just give us a task to do!” Waluigi begged.
“Yeah!” Wario followed.
Peach rubbed her temples quickly and closed her eyes for a few long moments. Then she opened them and said “Very well. I will give you once chance, one job. If you succeed, it will truly be a service to our kingdom, and I will allow you to attend the party.”
“ANYTHING!” the mustachioed marauders pleaded.
“Well…”
Meanwhile, in Dr. Wily’s Skull Castle…
“Blast it all! That stupid Hornet Man couldn’t do the job! I just knew it, why did I send him? Oh right, because of potatoes. Ah well, now what? Zero isn’t quite done yet…I suppose I could send Bass to do the job.” said Dr. Willy(uh, I mean Wily), the short, old scientist with a grey mustache and thinning grey hair, along with a lab coat. He pressed a button on his console and spoke into his microphone. “Bass, can you come in here, please?”
The doors opened, and in stepped a robot, one that was tall, coated in black with yellow highlights, and had a gun attached to his arm. At his side was a small purple dog which stood by its master menacingly. This was Bass, the robotic rival of the powerful Mega Man, along with his faithful hound Treble.
“You better have a good reason for calling me in here old man. I was doing some target practice with Napalm Man, and I know he’s just dying to get back to it…after he’s rebuilt.” Bass said, chuckling.
“Hmm…Bass, I have an assignment for you.” Wily began.
“Is it to finish off Mega Man? Because I’ve been training hard!” Bass noted excitedly.
“…Not exactly. Your job is something super…special…secret…”
With every word, Bass’s eyes grew wider and wider, and Treble began drooling oil on the ground.
“secret…ASSIGNMENT?” Wily finished.
“YES!”
“I need you to watch over the safe with the evil energy in my basement.”
Bass’s jaw dropped and he scowled. “That’s it!? I’m a highly dangerous killing machine, and all you want me to do is act like some guardian lapdog for a few stupid jars of sealed evil in a can!? What do you take me for, old fool!?” Bass ranted, tilting his gun at Wily’s face.
“Now hold on Bass, I’m not done. If you do this task for me…I’ll give you a special upgrade that will let you beat Mega Man once and for all. Absolutely guaranteed to work. I promise!” Wily bargained.
“Hmm…are you positive?” Bass said, his eyes hungry for power.
“As serious as a Shark Man attack.”
“Very well. I will do this task, Doctor. But be warned. If you attempt to double cross me, I’ll make sure that Mega Man isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. Understood?” Bass threatened.
“Yes, yes, of course!” Wily agreed, before turning back to his console. Bass gave a curt bow before nudging Treble and walking towards the door, the loyal pup hot on his heels.
They walked down the long corridors together, twisting and turning over and over until they finally reached a set of double doors. Bass pressed his palm to the scanner, then his eye, and finally his buster, before giving the password (“Mega Dead Man”), causing the door to open. The two continued to walk until they reached the large safe with the Evil Energy, which had been used by Wily awhile ago to both empower Bass and his other robots with pure evil essence.
“Mmm…this brings back memories, eh Treble?” The robot dog barked in agreement, as they took positions on either side of the door, awaiting potential threats.
Meanwhile, outside Skull Castle…
“Ugh…this was a really long-a walk, eh bro?” Waluigi tiredly asked.
“Yeah…but it’ll…all be-a worth it. I think.” Wario replied, as they trudged up the hill. On their trek from Toad Town to where they were now, they had endured the blistering heat of the Gritzy Desert and Thwomp Volcano, swam through Blubble Lake, went through an underground mine belonging to Ground Man, and even up in the sky with Tengu Man. They almost gave up multiple times, but the thought of finally visiting the party as guests and not intruders pushed them onward in spite of that, until at last they had reached the top of the hill and were gazing at Skull Castle.
“Remind-a me what the plan was again, bro?”
“It’s simple. We-a go in, get-a that evil energy-a crap, and are rewarded-a with stuffing our faces with-a pasta!” Wario reminded Waluigi.
“Mmm…pasta.”
“Now, you-a wait here with-a the getaway-a car. We need to make a quick-a exit after we get-a the stuff.” Wario said.
Waluigi nodded, and Wario very stealthily(or at least as stealthily as he was able), began sneaking up to the castle, dodging between bushes and hiding behind trees like some sort of Solid Wario. He was almost at the ventilation shaft when he heard a voice saying “Identify yourself!”
Wario turned around and noticed two guards, a Mettaur and a Sniper Joe. So he did the only sensible thing he could and took their heads and bashed them together, turning the robot sentries into scrap metal. He then turned back to the vent and found he could just barely squeeze inside, but he was hurting from the cramped environment. “Hewth…maybe I shoulda spend my donero on a treadmill for-a ma castle.” Wario complained as he continued crawling through the vents.
He was lost inside the maze of tubes for what seemed like forever, and was just about to give up, when all of a sudden he heard voices coming from somewhere to his north. So he crawled forward until he saw a grate in the floor of the vents, allowing him to stick his ear up next to it and listen it. “Uurgh…this job is so boring, Treble. Why couldn’t he get someone like Spring Man to do this? What an idiot. You’d think that Wily’d make an inescapable room full of instant death spikes way before fucking Spring Man! Is he just running out of ideas for robots from his grab bag?” Bass monologued as Treble hung on to every word, nodding afterward.
“Ah well. If this’ll help me beat Mega Man, then it’s fine by me.” Bass acquiesced.
Wario slowly chuckled to himself as he prepared to drop down, surprise the foolish robot, and take the prize for himself. Unfortunately, his sounds of laughter didn’t go unnoticed by Bass, who tilted his gun at the ceiling and fired a dozen or so rapid fire blasts, hitting the grate and sending Wario tumbling down to the ground below.
“Uurgh…that-a hurt real bad!” Wario complained as he struggled to get to his feet. When he finally did, he turned around to find himself face to face with the Bass Buster cocked against his head. “Who are you? And what are you doing here, inferior worm?” Bass sneered. He looked Wario up and down with his optical sensors, trying to make out exactly what this stranger was and what he wanted at this place. Also, why was he so fat? “”This guy almost gives that foolish Dr. Light a run for his money…'”
“Uh…I’m…the Pizza Delivery-a guy!”
“Oh really? Where’s your pizza?”
“It…it uh…got-a incinerated?”
Bass was clearly unimpressed, as he reached down and grabbed Wario’s overalls and pulled him in close. “Listen, idiot. You made a big mistake coming here. No one crosses my master, and more importantly me, and leaves alive. Don’t you know who the goddamn hell I AM! I am BASS, the ultimate robot creation of Dr. Wily, the Omega of the Robot Masters, the ultimate machine in the universe! The only one worthy to stand in my way is Mega Man, and very soon he will no longer be a threat. Once I finish this assignment, Master Wily will upgrade me so I can finally destroy Mega Man and reign supreme. So…I want you to leave.”
“Yeah…well guess what? I’ma not afraid-a of you! I’m going to beat-a you, get-a inside that safe-a, and steal the evil energy-a! That way, Peach-a will allow me and my bro to go to-a the Christmas Party!” Wario proclaimed
“If you live long enough to do that, that is. And I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Bass promised.
“Bring it!” Wario roared.
“With pleasure!” Bass answered.
Outside, the storm clouds rolled in to give way to a stampede of rolling thunder. Waluigi, hiding in the bushes, looked up at the castle and clasped his hands together. “Bro, for your sake and mine…I hope you’ll get out of this one-a okay.”
Only one warrior was leaving the castle that day not in a body bag.
Wario began the fight by throwing one of his powerful, yet predictable haymakers. So predictable, in fact, that Bass was able to easily dodge the attack and grabbed Wario’s hand as it passed by, pulling the somewhat obese hunter in. “And this is why you don’t fuck with me, plumber.” Bass smack-talked.
“I’ma not a plumber, that’sa that stupido idiota Mario’s jo-WHOA!”
For Bass began swinging Wario around by the arm, faster and faster and faster until Wario was nothing but a rapidly spinning blur, before finally tossing the yellow capped antihero into a nearby metal wall, leaving a massive dent in it. Wario struggled to get to his feet, rubbing his bruised head and cursing under his breath. “Mama mia, thata hurt.” Wario muttered as he turned to face Bass, who was rushing in for another attack. However, this time Wario was ready, as he rushed forward using his infamous Shoulder Charge and smacked Bass midair, sending the black bot careening into the opposite wall and smashing right through it.
Now it was Bass’s turn to struggle off the ground and face his opponent once more. “Hmm…this fool may be more powerful than I initially assumed. He may look fat and pathetic, but he hides a strength potentially greater than even Guts Man. I need to be more careful around him. Still, it’s nothing that I cannot deal with.”
There was still a large amount of smoke covering the hole Bass had created in the wall, preventing the android from seeing what was behind it. When the smoke finally cleared, Wario was there, but not as he once was. No, he had tapped into the power of his ancient and mystical Goodstyle wand, giving him the power of 8 different transformations.
But for right now, he just needed one. So during the confusion, he had switched costumes, donning an astronaut suit and receiving a laser pistol not unlike a certain high flying vulpine. This was Cosmic Wario, and he was ready to send Bass on an out of this world adventure into the pits of hell.
Wario shot a few rapid fire blasts at the stunned Bass, who cleared his mind and proceeded to dodge all of them, before firing his own form of offense right at Wario, that being the Bass Buster. Hundreds of little lemon pellets shot out of Bass’s arm cannon, matching the laser blasts from Wario’s pistol blow for blow…or so it seemed. Bit by bit, the sheer insanity of the fire rate of Bass’s buster slowly began to outmatch the shots from Wario’s pistol, until finally one shot broke through and hit Wario. It didn’t do too much damage, but it stunned Wario long enough for Bass to activate one of his upgrades, that being Stronger Buster. Then he fired at Wario non stop, with the upgrade negating the weakness of the Bass Buster’s shots not being very powerful.
When Bass was finished, Cosmic Wario’s astronaut suit was ripped and torn in several places, and the laser pistol was gone, most likely blown away by the assault from the Bass Buster. Bass walked slowly up to the beaten Wario and kneeled down, a malicious smirk on his metallic features. “Have you had enough yet, pitiful life for-“
Bass was so busy gloating over his victory, he failed to notice Wario subtly pulling out Goodstyle once again and giving it the tiniest of waves, activating the second disguise in its repertoire, that being Genius Wario. Wario was now clad in a standard lab coat akin to that of Bass’s master, along with a pair of googles, a doctor’s headpiece, and a mess of inventions, all designed to bring pain to the one who was so foolish as to get in the way.
Suddenly, Bass was sucker punched in the gut and sent flying away from Wario for miles until he finally touched down and smacked head first into a tree. Unbeknownst to Bass at the time, he had just been schooled by Wario’s Ultra Hand, a boxing glove attached to an extendable pincer to be used for, quote unquote, “smacking people upside the head.”
“Uuurgh…Sunstar above, how many tricks does this piece of shit have!?” Bass ranted.
“It’s quite simple, my arrogant friend.”
Wario appeared from over the hill and faced Bass. “All I did was use my blunt instrument to deal a significant amount of damage to you as an external force hit you, the object at rest, directly, giving you a rather immense amount of Kinetic Energy that increased your velocity in both the horizontal and vertical directions to a ludicrously large amount, allowing you to fly a distance of exactly 15,840 feet before finally ending up at the base of this Quercus tree. Or, to put in terms a simpleton like you would understand…Big Fist cause you go fly and get boo-boo.” Wario stated matter-of-factly.
“What’s going on? A few minutes ago you were dumb as a brick, and now you’re giving me this nerd talk bullshit?” Bass questioned.
“That is the ability of my Goodstyle wand. With the flick of a wrist I have 8 different options to attack you with. Feel inferior yet?” Wario taunted.
Bass wasn’t going to take that lying down, so he got up and switched to one of his special weapons, that being the Lightning Bolt he had…appropriated…from Dynamo Man. “I may not be smart enough to understand all that you just said, but I do know my basic science. And it seems to me you’re wearing quite a large amount of metal. You know what conducts electricity real nice?”
Bass fired a series of Lightning Bolts that hit Wario dead on, as the metallic equipment he was wearing served to amplify the capabilities of the lightning bolts to beyond their normal power. When it was done, Genius Wario was steaming, smoke rising off of him like a pressure cooker, his clothes blackened with soot. The doofy look on Wario’s face lasted only a nanosecond, however, as he shook his head and stumbled forward.
“Impressive, my friend. Despite the diminutive nature of your central processing unit, you have a natural battle instinct that will serve you well. Shame I would have to kill such aspiring talent, but I must not disappoint my comrade in arms.” Wario spoke.
“Oh, you WILL!” Bass promised, firing another Lightning Bolt straight at Wario. This time however, Wario was prepared, as he took Goodstyle out once more and gave it a little flick, transforming into his third mode. This time, Wario wore what appeared to be a blue spandex costume, with a yellow W logo on the front to signify the champion chosen to wield the power. Wreathed in electricity, it was none other than Sparky Wario, master of lightning. As he so aptly demonstrated, reaching his arm into the sky and actually catching the Lightning Bolt in midair. Then, he turned it around so the energy was facing towards Bass, and released, causing the blast to be returned to sender
“Uh Oh.” Bass whimpered, for his weapon unfortunately didn’t give him the resistance to electricity that Sparky Wario did. The beam hit full on, zapping Bass all over due to his body being entirely metallic. However, Bass fought through the pain, for he had endured much worse over the years as he suffered defeat after defeat at the hands of the Blue Bomber. With a primal shout of “RAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!”, the lightning dissipated, and Bass was once again ready to fight, if a bit chipped and charred in places.
“‘Hmm…this’a guy’s pretty tough. Better’a turn on the big guns.'” Wario silently whispered to himself, as he began firing blast of electricity straight at his aggravated adversary. Bass, in turn, switched to another one of his favorite toys, that being the Ice Wall.“Hmph. Thank you, Cold Man. Even in death, you aid the master with all your might. Good job.” With that, Bass raised his arms, and a large wall of solid ice appeared before him, blocking all of Sparky Wario’s shots. With the wall close to breaking, Bass gave it a good, hard push, causing it to slide towards Wario and smack him in the face, sending Wario tumbling backwards into the dirt and staining his costume.
“H-Hey buddy! You-a know how long’a this costume-a took to make! Really long!” Wario complained.
“That’s all well and good. I’ll clean it and wear it like a cape once I kill you. Spoils of war should never go to waste, is that right?” Bass bantered, summoning another ice wall and sending it bowling towards Wario, who dodged out of the way just in time and began firing a midair shower of sparks, all aimed towards Bass. Bass looked deep inside himself and channeled inner reserves of strength he wasn’t aware of before now, charging up his Ice Wall and releasing it to make an impenetrable ice dome around himself that blocked all incoming spark shots. Once the assault had been concluded, Bass created numerous ice spikes from the wall that went out in every direction, hitting Sparky Wario in the shoulder and causing him to lose his concentration and fall to the ground below once again.
With the dome vanishing, Bass attempted to make another wall to hit Wario again, but found that his reserves of energy were depleted. “Heh, no matter. I have plenty of other tools to finish you off, Fatman. So, any last words?”
“DRAGON-A WAAAAA!”
“Well, normally people go with ‘please spare me’, but okay, if you-“
Bass didn’t get to finish, for Wario had activated one of Goodstyle’s most powerful forms, Dragon Wario, dressing Wario up like a dragon.
“Nice Halloween costume, Baby Dragon! What do you expect to accomplish with that!?”
“THIS!”
Before Bass could fire some snarky quip as to what he was referring to, Wario shot a blast of red-orange fire straight at Bass and hit him square in the chest, causing the robot to stagger backwards due to the intensity of the fire now enveloping his entire being. But Bass was too powerful to be defeated with an ordinary fire blast, and so he simply swept his arms around him in a theatrical gesture and made the flames dissipate. “Well, Wario, if this is honestly all you have to face me, you might as well just turn around and head back to your princess like the failure that you are. You will NEVER, EVER get the energy from my master!” Bass yelled.
“We’lla see about that-a, friend!” Wario retorted, blasting a triple shot of fireballs straight at Bass once again.
“Wow, you’re even dumber than you look, and that’s saying something! Did you actually expect me to get hit by the same attack twice without deploying a counter measure!? I activate my trap card: Wave Burner!”
“What car-”
“Don’t ruin the moment! Wave Burner allows me to gain a new flamethrower, which cancels out any fire you were gonna send my way. So eat this!” Bass roared, as he released a white hot jet of flame that moved up and down like…well, a wave. The flames were so potent, that as soon as Dragon Wario’s fire touched it, it was incinerated. “That’s not-a gonna stop me, Metal-a Menace! As that guy with-a the lightbulb said a bazillion years-a ago, If-a ya don’t succeed, try-a try-a again!” Wario said, attempting to dazzle with Bass with his use of allusions and yet failing to impress. He continued to shoot fireballs at Bass, who countered all of them with his Wave Burner. Fire fought with fire, and it seemed to be a stalemate. That is, until Wario turned up the heat, quite literally, and shot out blue fireballs at a rapid pace. Bass smirked, expecting the fireballs to meet the same fate, but instead they overpowered Bass’s Wave Burner and cut a path right through, smacking into Bass for some major damage and stunning him long enough for Wario to continue pelting Bass with fireballs.
When the dust settled, however, Bass was still there, looking no worse for wear. “But…uh, how? That-a shoulda destroyed ya!?” Wario said, confused as to why he wasn’t staring at a smoldering pile of robot parts.
“It’s quite simple. I used Super Armor and negated all your damage. Actually, that’s not true, it’s more reducing. But your attack was so pathetic that reducing it was basically the same as cancelling it out. Do you have any more tricks, or are you done?” Bass asked, seeming more bored than anything.
“Not even-a close, buddy!” Wario countered, shooting more blue fireballs at Bass, who didn’t even make an attempt to dodge them, and yet emerged unscathed due to his super armor. Then he just laughed and laughed at Wario and his pathetic fireballs, before inching ever closer.
“Hmm, I’ve’a still got a few tricks left!” Wario then pulled out Goodstyle once again and waved it around, changing costumes again.
“Ugh, another one!? How many of these damn powers do ya have, you stupid midget?” Bass said, getting the slightest bit ticked off as Wario changed again, this time donning a devil costume. This was Wicked Wario, a master of the skies. He spread his devil wings and took off into the air, hovering high above the battlefield.
“Ahahahaha! Ya can’ta get me up-a here, loser!” Wario taunted.
“There’s nothing I can’t do, you bloated buffoon!” Bass retorted, as he activated the jump jets in his feet, allowing him to double jump into the air and tag Wario, grabbing his foot and pulling him down to the ground before smashing him into the pavement, giving the greedy gastro-intestinal grouch a good old fashioned bloody nose and broken tooth combo.
Spitting out his teeth, Wario turned to face Bass. “Is’a that all ya got!? My Grandma Wa beats me up-a twice as hard!” Then he took off once again and began dive-bombing Bass at speeds the robot just couldn’t hope to keep up with. Every dive bomb was succeeded by another one, with Wario attacking Bass over and over again and not giving him any second to rest. Eventually, Bass got fed up. “ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW!” Bass bellowed, swapping to his next weapon, the Remote Mine. He raised his arm and fired off about 8 Remote Mines at once, and commanded them to attach to the dive-bombing devil man.
“Waa!?” Wario exclaimed, confused.
“You know how they put remote bombs on planes to make ’em crash? Imagine it on a slower, smaller, and gassier target!” Bass explained, as the bombs all self destructed at once and created an explosion large enough to eclipse the entire park they happened to be fighting in, and sent Wario falling back to the ground once again as his clothes burned up in a blazing maelstrom. When Wario got up, Bass was greeted by a scene I’d rather not show you.
“Aw…put some clothes on, you disgusting meatbag!” Bass complained, shielding his eyes so he didn’t have to stare at the horror that was Wario’s buck naked…regions.
“WAAAAAA!” Wario cried, as he took off his shoe and threw it at Bass, hitting him in the faceplate.
“Did…did you just throw a shoe at me? Who does that? And why does it reek so much?! Ever head of a shower, fatso?” Bass mockingly said to no one, as Wario had already retreated into the nearby ocean.
“Hey, get back here! THIS ISN’T OVER UNTIL I SAY SO!” Bass screamed, dashing as fast as he could and double jumping into the water, where he touched down on the ocean floor.
“Now…glub glub, where is glub, that worthless human, glub?” Bass wondered, forced to take breaths in order to remain underwater.
Suddenly, Bass was hit in the back by an explosive torpedo, creating an underwater explosion that sent all the nearby sea creatures scuttling for their burrows. “What the…?” Bass questioned in confusion as he turned around, only to be face to face with another torpedo that hit him right in the kisser and exploded again. The coral parted to reveal a new Wario form, that being Captain Wario, a master of the underwater fighting arts. Equipped with a submarine and pirate gear, he gracefully glided through the water, while Bass was forced to jump incredibly slowly due to the water hindering his movement. Every time he jumped, he was bombarded by torpedoes and rammed into by the submarine, causing Wily’s creation to take enormous amounts of damage. Sparks began to appear from cuts in a dozen different places, and Bass could feel his supply of Bassnium, previously thought limitless, was starting to drain.
As Wario was closing in for another attack, Bass turned around and aimed his gun at Wario. Activating the Energy Saver device to lessen the cost of using his powers, he switched to the Lightning Bolt one more time, and jumped as high as he could to breach the surface of the water. Once he was 10 feet above the surface, he yelled “RAIGEKI!”, unleashing a storm of bolts that electrified the water and everything in it, including Wario himself, who began jerking and contorting as his skeleton was revealed within like an X-Ray machine, until he finally blasted out of the water and back on to the beach, charred and blackened from the horrendous beating he had received.
Bass, meanwhile, switched to his next weapon, the Spread Drill, and cocked it at the unconscious Wario. After his last experience, he wasn’t going to let his guard down any time soon. “Say good night, human.” Bass was ready to fire, when all of a sudden Wario disappeared.
“B-But that’s impossible, he was right here! Where did he go?” Bass asked to the universe. Unfortunately, he got his answer, as Wario blitzed him with a punch faster than Bass could track. Bass aimed his spread drill where he had gotten hit and fired, but he ended up just hitting air. Wario punched him again and then disappeared, repeating the process over and over again, while Bass couldn’t even land one shot on Wario due to the latter’s immense speed gain.
Bass realized the attacks weren’t doing too much damage to him, so he switched to his Damage Absorber and dropped to his knees to meditate, letting Wario hit him in order to recover energy for his Spread Drill, Lightning Bolt, Wave Burner, Remote Mine and Ice Wall. All the damage began to slowly take its toll on Bass, however, as his body became more cracked and chipped, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath.
But this was all part of Bass’s plan, for he now activated his Counter Attack skill, increasing his power immensely since he was on the brink of destruction.
“Bad news for you, Wario! I’ve figured out a way to hit you even with your speed!” Bass taunted.
“Impossible! No one can catch…the PURPLE WIND!” Wario chanted.
“Who said anything about catching you? No, I’m gonna double the trouble, quite literally, in order to shoot you dead!” As he said these words, Bass switched to another weapon, the Copy Vision taken from the corpse of Astro Man, and used the power of the Shadow Clone to create a hologram of himself that stood back to back with the original. They nodded to each other, and then yelled “TAKE THIS!” simultaneously, shooting outward while spinning in a circle in order to create a laser barrier vortex. No matter how fast Wario ran, he couldn’t evade all these shots at once, and inevitably he was hit by one of the Copy Bass’s shots, causing him to stagger and fall, leaving him easy prey for even more shots to pepper Wario’s skin and give him burns all over. Unfortunately for Bass, it was at this time that his Copy Vision timer ran out, and the copy disappeared. Wario took advantage of this and turned into his last form with Goodstyle, that being Arty Wario. Dressed in a painter’s beret and smock, he stood at his easel, ready to draw.
“So, you gonna paint your death scene or something? How cute.” Bass mocked, dashing in for the final assault, but Wario wasn’t finished. He painted a series of blocks that formed a wall stretching miles in every direction, up, down and both sides.
“So what, you think making a wall will stop me? Think again!” Bass roared, equipping his Magic Card and firing. The power of the card allowed it to fly straight through Arty Wario’s homemade wall and snag Goodstyle from Wario’s person, bringing it straight to Bass’s hand. And with that, he destroyed it once and for all, leaving the broken pieces on the ground. Without Goodstyle, Arty Wario returned back to normal, and the wall disappeared.
“Well, you farting fool, looks like you’re out of tricks. NOW DIE!” Bass yelled maniacally, with a look in his eye that was beyond all reason.
“Speaking of-a farting, that’s-a one of ma tricks!” Wario smirked, pulling his finger and releasing a cloud of toxic gas in the form of a mushroom cloud that even Dr. Wily could see from his window.
“Oh, fuck, that’s nasty!” Bass exclaimed, waving his hand in front of his olfactory receptors in order to relieve them of the awful smell, but while he was distracted, he was left vulnerable to one of Wario’s Shoulder Bashes, sending him flying into a nearby dead tree.
“You may-a think I’ma outta tricks…but you’d-a be DEAD WRONG!” Wario exclaimed, laughing maniacally and pulling out his next trick, that being a little pot. When he put it on his head, it transformed into a jet engine, turning Wario into Jet Wario. He rose into the air and began dive bombing Bass yet again, much like he had done with the Wicked Wario costume. However, this time Bass was prepared for it, and fired an Air Shooter, creating a Tornado that slowly traveled upward. While it was rising, Bass hopped in, riding the wind current up into the sky until he was level with Jet Wario. At that point, he switched to another weapon, the Tengu Blade he’d gotten for beating the avian master Tengu Man. With the blade, he clashed against Jet Wario over and over, twisting in the tornado to get a better view of Jet Wario after every clash. This went for a good while until Bass finally got in a good shot and sliced off the engines on Jet Wario’s head, sending the fumbling fatman down to the ground, but not before he grabbed Bass’s ankle and dragged him down as well, sending them both crashing into the dirt.
Bass couldn’t even rise to his feet before he was already assailed by the power of Bull Wario, charging straight into Bass and goring him in the side. Raising Bass above his head with his horns, he flailed the helpless robot around in the air before flinging him skyward, then jumping high up above Bass and axe kicking him back down into the ground. Stunned, Bass could do nothing except watch as Wario ground pounded down on the metallic marauder with all his might, dealing so much damage that Bass’s chest plate began to fall apart, exposing the fragile core within. Then Wario jumped back into the air, ready to slam back down and end Bass.
However, Bass cocked his gun once again and equipped the power of the Thunder Beam, launching an arcing bolt of electricity straight at Wario as he was falling and intercepting the treasure hunter mid pound, redirecting his course so he flew backwards and landed on the dirt, his bull horns singed.
Bass slowly rose to his feet and remembered the time Shadow had told him about his experience in Honnouji, and how he had used time stopping powers in order to beat his opponent. “Hmph. So, you black bitch-ass rodent, you think you can one-up ME! BASS! THE MOST POWERFUL ROBOT IN THE WORLD!? THINK AGAIN!” Bass yelled into the sky, equipping his Time Bomb and activating it.
“Kono kōka wa tankikan dake jizoku suru kamo shiremasenga, sore wa anata o shiageru tame ni hitsuyōna subetedesu. Ima, watashi wa kurasshubonbā o sōbi shite imasu. Watashi wa anata o owara seru tame ni sore o shiyō shimasu!”
Wario couldn’t process what was going on, but Bass had just stopped time, and was now firing off all 7 of his Crash Bomber shots straight at Wario, who could do nothing but helplessly observe as they ticked down to the greedy gremlin’s ultimate destruction.
All the Crash Bombs exploded at once, sending Wario flying miles into the air, where he stayed for a good long while before finally tumbling back down to the ground…right into Bass’s set Napalm Bombs, which exploded and sent Wario flying up into the sky again like a bouncing ball.
And Bass still wasn’t done, as he activated yet another Time Bomb and stopped time again, this time busting out his Freeze Cracker.
The sound made as Bass fired all 28 of them straight into Wario’s fat gut was something akin to:
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BAAAAAAANG!
At this point Wario was nothing more than a falling ice sculpture, which Bass almost let reach the ground, but just before Wario touched down, Bass activated the Time Bomb yet again, this time switching to his Ice Wall in order to then switch to his Noise Crush. He fired Noise Crush at the wall, rebounding it back into Bass, which he then fired at Wario, giving him momentum in the sideways direction. He repeated this tactic again and again, firing Noise Crush into the Ice Wall, and then firing it at Wario, making sure to replace the Ice Wall with a new one. Every Noise Crush shot gave a sound akin to
SCREEEEEEE!
As if the soul of its dead owner, Shade Man, was still lingering within the attack itself. Finally, when Bass was all out of Noise Crush ammo, he sent the Ice Wall he had left flying into Wario’s body and it broke, dealing even more damage. When the Time Stop ended, Wario was bombarded by all the damage from all the Noise Crushes he had taken it, leaving a thousand scratches that all had blood gushing out in a ceaseless tide, before the momentum finally sent him flying miles away into the nearby desert, as Bass used his High Speed Dash ability to follow him as quick as lightning.
He reached the place where he knew Wario would land, and gazed in the sky to the west, where the sky glowed blood red as the sun set. But there, as a little speck of black on the horizon, was none other than Wario, the Purple Wind, falling down towards Bass. When he was about 50 feet off the ground, Bass trained his gun on Wario and fired his last Time Bomb, freezing the world once again. Then, he switched to his next armament, that being the powerful Triple Blade.
He fired the Triple Blade over and over at the falling Wario, slashing into his clothes and drawing even more blood than was already there, until Wario was nothing more than a sac covered in blood, and Bass was out of Triple Blades. Then he switched to yet another weapon, that being the ultimate Super Arm. He used it to pick up a large section of the ground and held it above his head. Then he switched to the Atomic Fire, and using only one hand, coated the rock in flames. Finally, he switched to the Junk Shield and commanded it to surround the rock. At this point, he threw his titanic amalgamation of weaponry at the falling mass that used to be Wario, and when the two collided, the rock exploded, hitting Wario with a mixture of flaming shrapnel and burning junk that torched his skin.
Wario landed face first on the ground, seemingly dead. Bass walked up to him and poked his gun at Wario’s behind. Not even a twitch. Satisfied at his handiwork, Bass turned around to head back to the lab, only to be sucker punched from behind and sent sprawling on to the ground.
“If only it’a were that simple-a, bitch!” Wario trash talked, chuckling all the way.
“How did you survive that?” Bass demanded.
“I didn’t-a take any damage. Before your first-a time bullshit went-a off, I-a activated my Balloon Suit. Normally it’s-a used to boost my power output to finish-a baddies like-a you off, but it also made-a for a pretty decent shield from all your-a attacks. The only-a downside is-a I don’t have it-a anymore.”
“Well good! Now I can finish you off that much easier.”
“I’ma not so sure about-a that!” Wario replied.
“Alright, I’ll bite. Why not?”
“Just look. You-a used up so-a many of your-a weapons, you a don’t have the capability to-a beat me. Especially when you see how many-a tricks I still got.”
“BRING EM’ ON, ASSHOLE!”
“CONSIDER THEM BROUGHT-A, BITCH!”
Wario’s body slowly began enveloping itself in fire, until he was a giant fireball.
“What’s…happening?!” Bass demanded.
“When-a you hit me with all those attacks…I absorbed-a them. Now I have new powers…powers I will use to defeat you!”
With that, Flaming Wario rushed towards Bass, dodging all of the Bass Buster shots that were aimed towards him, and touched Bass, causing Bass, too, to be set on fire. “Owwww…shit!” Bass cursed, as he began running around in a circle like an idiot along with Wario, until they finally sat on the ground and rubbed their flaming behinds on the dirt in order to put it out.
“So maybe that was a little too hot…so let’s cool it down, shall we?” Wario proposed, engulfing his own body in a giant snowball to become Snowman Wario, who began chasing after Bass. Wisely learning his lesson, Bass chose to run away as fast as he could from the rapidly approaching Wario, until Bass began running down a hill.
BIG MISTAKE.
Wario went with the flow, rolling down the hill. As he rolled, he picked up more and more dirt and dust and grass, increasing the size of his snowball until he was essentially a 30 foot wide dirty ball rolling towards the robot. Bass tried to turn around and aim a weapon at the ball to stop it, but he was too late and was crushed by the ball, becoming part of it.
Within the snowball, both Bass and Wario began to tussle with each other, punching and kicking and scratching and even biting in Wario’s case, until they finally stopped rolling when they crashed into a nearby cactus, sending both sprawling onto the ground, rubbing their bodies to relieve themselves of the pain of the spikes now attached to them.
“Enough games! Take THIS!” Bass yelled, frustrated, as he jumped into the air and aimed downward, equipping his Magnet Missile and firing a triad of magnet shaped projectiles down onto Wario’s head. The immense pressure exerted onto Wario by the magnetic field of the magnets as well as their weight caused Wario to be flattened into the dirt, making a Wario pancake.
But this wouldn’t deter Wario for long, for as Bass was falling down to plan his next move, Wario sprang up in his Spring Wario(not Mario) form, hitting Bass with a powerful uppercut that sent the bot flying high into the sky once more. Wario kept on bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, going a little higher each time as he waited for Bass to come back down.
When he did he gave Bass yet another haymaker that sent him flying to the east. Wario felt his transformation beginning to end, and so he channeled all of his remaining energy into one final bounce that allowed Wario to meet Bass all the way, as he spun around in midair to use his Corkscrew maneuver to slam into Bass head on and make him recoil, then grabbed his feet and began spinning Bass around at inhuman speeds using the Wild Swing-Ding technique, spinning Bass a total of 23 times causing Bass to upchuck oil from the strain, before finally tossing the poor robot into the ground. Bass happened to bounce back up however, and Wario took advantage of this by grabbing Bass again and spinning him around in midair as they fell towards the ground, and finished by slamming Bass’s head into the dirt using his Pile-Driver skill.
Bass struggled to get up, only to be face to butt with Wario’s deadliest weapon.
“Oh, no, not aga-“
Another fart with the power of a nuclear bomb was set off right in Bass’s face, with Wario rocketing away using the momentum in order to escape a possible counterattack. Bass, meanwhile, struggled to get up, and found himself dizzy and disoriented, his movement being inverted due to his brain still being under the effects of the toxic fumes. However, somehow Bass managed to orient himself enough to call out “SCORCH WHEEL!“
However, when he fired, the only thing that came out was a slow moving bubble that travelled along the ground, which Wario easily jumped over.
“Bubble Lead, of course.” Bass said, not at all surprised. It was at this point that Bass’s head was finally relieved of the noxious gas, and this time he actually switched to the Scorch Wheel and surrounded himself with fire, which was convenient as Wario was rushing in for another attack and happened to get burned by the wheel, which Bass then sent after Wario when the brutish brawler turned his back, burning Wario’s behind even more and causing Wario to have to stop, drop and roll to relieve the pain.
“Ah, what the hell. Bubble Lead, you get a second chance.” Bass said, shooting Wario with the Bubble Lead and encasing him in a bubble, turning Wario into Bubble Wario, causing him to float upward before Base calmly shot him out of the sky with the Thunder Wool, zapping Wario in the process and causing him to fall several meters before he collapsed face first in the dirt.
When he woke up, Wario began stumbling around, confused, due to the sulfuric nature of the Bubble Lead. Wario was now Crazy Wario, master of the Drunken Fist. Bass attempted to shoot Wario with the Thunder Wool again, but Wario dodged to the side just in time. So Bass switched to the Chill Spike and threw it behind Wario, then used the Power Stone to send a stone hand shooting across the ground until it was just a few inches away from Mario, before raising two of its fingers into an o shape and flicking Wario on the chest, causing him to fall presumably into the spikes behind him. Yet somehow due to Wario’s luck, he was able to use his hands to form an arch, his back just barely missing the spikes below as he formed a bridge over it, before flipping over and landing on his stomach right next to the Chill Spike.
Bass was about to use the Power Stone again to entomb Wario under the earth, but Wario sat up and breathed a noxious cloud of gas right at Bass’s face, disorienting the murderous machine and causing him to fire his Power Stone into the air directly above him. Unfortunately, he was too dazed to avoid the Power Stone falling back down onto his head, and so he was crushed under its immense weight.
It was at this moment that Wario finally managed to clear his head and gazed over at where Bass was lying on the ground. “Aw, yeah-a baby! WAAAARIO’S GONNNA WIIIIIIIN!”
Wario reached into his pocket and pulled out some candy, which he began gorging himself on by the handful. Tons and tons of sweets, chocolates and confectionaries entered Wario’s gullet, and they began to take effect. Somehow, Wario grew even more fat, his clothes threatening to burst at the seams due to their size no longer being able to accompany the new fatsona inhabiting them. When it was done, Wario had turned into Fat Wario! Fat Wario jumped into the air, and even though he didn’t go very high, that was not his end goal. Wario’s fall shook the ground so hard that Bass shot up into the air, allowing Wario to run underneath him as fast as his little legs could carry him, and once he was in position, he aimed his mouth towards the sky and unleashed his Hyper Chomp.
Bass slowly found himself being sucked into Wario’s chompers, but he could do absolutely nothing but observe as he entered head first. Wario began biting down forcefully on Bass’s chassis, not letting up in the slightest, each bite damaging Bass’s deteriorating frame more and more and more, until he finally released the refuse and sat back to admire his efforts. Bite marks could be seen all over Bass’s body, and oil was flowing on to the ground, staining it as black as the night sky.
“Wahahaha, you suck!” Wario mocked, laughing so hard he fell on the ground and his sides hurt. Bass, however, was not amused. “Oh, you like to laugh, huh? Well, let’s see you LAUGH AT THIS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GROUND SCARAVICH SHIT!”
Panting heavily, Bass swapped to yet another of the weapons in his toolset, that being the mighty Wheel Cutter. He chucked one at the still chuckling Wario, and it created a rather large gash on his shirtfront, releasing large amounts of his own blood.
“Owowowo! That-a HURT!” Wario whimpered.
“It’s only gonna get worse for you, crap sack.”
Bass chucked more and more Wheel Cutters at Wario, all 28 of them, in a straight line of serrated, sharpened sawblades all snaking their way up Wario’s back and sides. Even his crotch wasn’t safe, and this time Wario had no balloon suit to protect him. When it was done, Wario was bleeding just as badly as Bass, if not more so, and red and black conjoined on the ground in a deadly union.
“Please-a tell me you’re-a done, friend!?” Wario pleaded.
“…Yes and No. It’s true I’m out of Wheel Cutter Ammo, but I’ve got plenty of other weapons for you, so stand back and behold the power of my Rebound Striker!”
Bass fired a small baseball shaped projectile straight at Wario. “Hehehehehe…is this-a all you-a got!? Buddy, I’ma pro at Sports. Mario Strikers Charged sold more copies than your-a stupid Power Fighters games, and there’s-a reason for-a that! Now-a watch!” At that point Wario jumped into the air and began glowing with a yellow aura, and his hands were coated in electricity.
“What the fuck is-ah never mind, I’m used to it.” Bass said, resigned to his fate of having to deal with this weird human specimen for a while longer.
Once Wario had electrified his hands, he coated the ball with electricity, and then used his massive stomach to belly gong the ball and mark it return to sender. Bass, however, simply hit the ball with his hands and sent it right back. And so a deadly game of energy ball tennis began, with both rebounding the ball back with their belly and hands as it gradually grew faster and faster each time, until Wario had finally had enough.
“It’s-a time for my finishing-a move, so watch-a out! MEGA STRIKE: SWELLED UP WARIO TIME!”
“‘Swelled up what?'” Bass wondered to himself.
He didn’t have to wait long to find an answer, for what he saw was honestly something he wished he hadn’t. Wario began swelling his body up like a balloon, his lungs working over time to puff his body with air until Wario was about the size of a small hot air balloon. At that point, he cupped his mouth and with the force of a hurricane, blew on the ball. The air pressure was so great the Rebound Striker split into six pieces of shrapnel, all flying at inhuman speeds.
Bass couldn’t dodge it, so he was forced to take the brunt of his own attack, as he was bombarded with energy and striker bits. “You-a had enough, roboto, or-a do you want-a more?” Wario questioned, sitting in a meditative pose.
“LIKE HELL I’M DONE!” Bass uttered in a primal shout, as he switched to yet another weapon.
“Whuh? You-a got ANOTHER one!? C’mon, I’ma gonna be a Grandpa Wario by-a the time you’re a done!”
“I’ll stay here until the end of time if it means stomping the bloody mess that used to be your head into the ground!” Bass roared gutturally, getting the tiniest bit desperate as he fired his devastating Rolling Cutter, attempting to cut Wario once again. As soon as the first Rolling Cutter hit Wario, however, it stung him, causing the fat fighter to transform into a new form, that being Puffy Wario, his face swelling to the size of a Goodyear blimp. Because of this new power, Wario floated up high into the air, to distances unreachable by Bass’ Rolling Cutter.
“ASSHOLE! Get down here so we can finish this!” Bass shouted at the sky, only to be surprised when Wario did indeed come down…right on his face. Wario bounced off the startled sentry’s faceplate and soared into the sky once again before making a U-turn and plopping back down into his Bass-crushing position. This continued for awhile, with Wario bouncing on Bass’s face and Bass never getting the clear shot he needed in order to stop the bouncing buffoon.
“Well…I guess there’s always this…?” Bass thought, switching to yet another tool of destruction, that being the Leaf Shield. At that moment, a set of four green, metallic leaves began rotating around Bass, acting as a layer of protection from Wario’s ferocious assault.
Unfortunately for Wario, he was just making his roundtrip when Bass activated the shield. “NONONONONONONONONO!” Wario protested, attempting to stop and reverse directions, but he was already carrying too much momentum to stop himself from touching the leaves face-first, popping just like a balloon. And yet the leaves somehow had a different effect than Bass expected. Normally they were supposed to heavily damage the opponent, but something was happening to Wario. His skin was slowly turning the color of bark, his hair erupted into clusters of green leaves, and his legs and torso slowly began to morph together, as Wario underwent some type of metamorphosis.
And whatever it was, Bass didn’t like it one bit.
“GREEN THUMB!” Wario bellowed, as his transformation was complete. Now, standing before Bass was…a tree. But a tree with the most grotesque face you would ever see in your life. This was Tree Wario, ready to deliver an natural knockout to anyone who disturbed his forest…
Tree Wario now stood facing Bass, a sneer plastered onto his bark as he belted out a hearty laugh of “WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WAAHRIO NUMBAH ONE!”All the while, Bass just stood there, mouth agape as he witnessed the absolutely mad events that had unfolded. “A…A tree? You’re fighting one of the most advanced and superior robots you’ll ever see, and you choose to fight me with…a tree.”
Wario chose not to respond and instead began shedding his “fruit”, which was actually whole cloves of smelly garlic. With a mighty “WAAAAAH!” he began pelting Bass with the garlic, forcing Dr. Wily’s magnum opus to recoil, his eyes watering from the awful smell.
“Sweet Asimov above! I got two words for you: breath mint. Oh…oh my god it’s so bad.” Bass whined, before he shook his head and cleared his thoughts. Turning to face Wario, he gave a smirk.
“So you’ve turned into a tree, big whoop. Haven’t you realized the tools to destroy nature have already been given to robotkind? As soon as I reduce your roots to rubble, you will be finished. Then my task for the doctor will be complete!”
“Then-a why don’t-a you give it a try-a, ravioli-a brains!?” Wario taunted, before blowing Bass a dirt-encrusted raspberry with his tongue.
Absolutely livid, Bass switched to his Tengu Blade and began slicing away at Tree Wario. But no matter how hard he swung or how many projectiles he created, Bass couldn’t penetrate Wario’s branch defenses to get at the trunk. With every branch he destroyed, another one took its place to scratch away at Bass’s paintjob, revealing his shiny metallic exoskeleton beneath.
“WAAAHAHAHA! That’s-a what happens when-a you don’t celebrate-a Arbor Day, chump!” Wario taunted as Bass’s Tengu Blades dissipated in the air.
“Alright, that’s it! The first few times that was funny, but now it’s just goddamn annoying! And you know what I do to annoyances!? BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!!” Bass screamed as he switched to his Atomic Fire, charged it up, and then blasted a heat shot as hot as the sun right at Wario’s ugly mug. The tree raised its leaves to protect itself, but not even Wario’s nigh-impenetable bark could fully protect him from the intensity of Bass’s flames, and when the attack was done Wario was left wide open, his branches having burned to dust.
“Let’s end this.” Bass grumbled, as he prepared another shot of Atomic Fire. Unfortunately, using a full charged shot had wasted all of its ammo, forcing Bass to cycle through his arsenal while he cursed Wily under his breath.
While Bass was distracted, Wario very quietly switched out of his tree form and dug underground, closing the hole he made behind him and covering his tracks.
At last, Bass switched to his Napalm Bomb and took aim at where he last saw Tree Wario, only to find nothing but the vast desert expanse staring him right in the face. A look of anger etched itself onto Bass’s features as he pounded the ground in frustration, before glancing around to try and find where his unseen foe was seeking refuge.
Unbeknownst to the robot, Wario was busy digging through the desert sand, trying to get to where he knew would be his salvation and best chance of finishing Bass off. All of a sudden, however, he heard rapid footfalls going THUMP THUMP THUMP right above his head, causing dirt to rain down in small chunks as Bass had finally tracked down Wario’s location using the Noise Crush as echolocation.
Taking aim at the ground, Bass fired multiple rounds of his Commando Bomb, which exploded and released shockwaves underground that steadily collapsed the tunnel on top of Wario, forcing him to maneuver carefully around the dead-ends. Inadvertently, though, Bass was weakening the stability of the ground beneath him. And though Wario wasn’t a genius, even he could understand and formulate a plan.
With newfound vigor, Wario stopped digging forward and instead began digging in a wide circle. Bass, not missing a beat, continued to shoot Commando Bombs in a circle around himself, too focused on killing Wario to recognize the real threat. It was only when Wario was 3/4 of the way done with his circle that Bass finally took notice of the fact that he was digging his own grave.
“Ah, shi-“
Before he could finish, the ground around the robot warrior collapsed, as Wario resurfaced and admired his handiwork.
“WAHA! So long-a, Bass!” Wario chuckled as he turned and raced on his stubby legs towards the nearby airstrip, Bass still struggling to escape the mound of dirt as he yelled curses at Wario’s behind.
Upon at last reaching the airfield, Wario saw his beloved Bull Dog airplane resting inside, but the door had been locked by something. Undeterred, Wario blasted a spray of acidic boogers out of his nose and melted the lock off, before simply punching down the door with enough force to shake the warehouse itself.
“WAHAAAAA!” Wario cheered, rubbing his hands together evilly as he put on his faithful pilot’s goggles and strapped into the cockpit, starting his plane and accidentally blasting through the roof in the process.
“Oh, uh…sorrry!” Wario yelled back, albeit rather halfheartedly, as he flew back to where he remembered Bass was stuck.
However, Bass had finally figured out a solution to his conundrum. Using his powerful Air Shooter, Bass fired multiple miniature tornadoes that not only sucked up all the dirt to allow Bass to escape, but also created a series of very destructive danmaku tornadoes, which hovered by the robot’s side and prepared to fire.
Over the horizon, Bass spotted Wario’s Bull Dog. “I’ve got you, slippery bastard!” Bass roared, as he shot an earthen tornado at Wario’s face.
“Wuh Oh.” Wario responded, as he very carefully aileron rolled to the side in order to avoid the projectile, before firing his machine gun. Except the bullets were actually large metal buckets, which slammed into Bass’s side with a loud, metallic CLANG.
“Buckets? Eh, why question it at this point.” Bass muttered, resigned to his fate of dealing with Wario’s antics as he continued to fire Air Shooter at Wario, who continued to dodge all of Bass’s shots while firing more buckets, which Bass was also able to deflect by using his Power Stone as a shield.
Finally, however, Bass broke the stalemate when one of his Power Stone shot refuse actually hit Wario’s Bull Dog head-on, sending the plane careening onto its side as Wario struggled to right himself in time. “Oh NOOOOO!!” Wario shouted as his plane was heading towards a nearby mountain, Bass yelling “Bon Voyage!”
“EY! That’s-a my line-a, punk!” Wario countered, as he reached his arms out and grabbed the sides of his beloved plane. A tear shedding from his eye, he jumped out, turned towards Bass, and swung the plane around faster and faster, until it was no more than blur, before throwing it hammer-style at Bass.
Despite the robot’s reflexes being beyond lightspeed, even he couldn’t dodge an attack of this magnitude, and was thus engulfed in a massive explosion that generated a mushroom cloud bigger than even Wily’s Skull Castle.
However, Wario was still falling to his doom. Luckily, the portly plumber-to-be had thought ahead, and brought out his Mega Mushroom. Upon swallowing it, Wario suddenly gained massive size, becoming so tall that he dwarfed the mountain he was about to crash into. But Wario wasn’t done, for he also took out a tiny red-petaled flower and chomped down hard. At once, his body took on a chrome sheen and he fell toward the ground at an incredible rate, smashing into the dust and leaving an enormous crater behind.
Wario had now become Mega Metal Wario!
“That’s-a right! I’m-a bad!” Wario grandstanded, with even his voice taking on a metallic filter as a result of his transformation. “No one can-a beat me-a now! Not even you, robot-a!”
At least, that’s what Bass thought Wario said. It was hard to hear, buried under two tons of flaming rubble, having your head basically destroyed. He couldn’t move, but he could whistle. A low, soft whistle that echoed across the wastes, somehow all the way back to Skull Castle thanks to the augmentation of the Noise Crush. Upon hearing the whistle, Treble stood up and barked loudly, before racing out the door and across the desert at lightning speeds, reaching Bass’s destroyed body in a matter of seconds.
Crawling into the pit, Treble took a few moments to lick at Bass’s face, making the normally arrogant and battle-hardened war machine smile.
“Treble…” Bass said weakly, “It’s time.”
The dog nodded, and began to glow. With a purple flash, the robotic canine merged together with Bass, unlocking a great new power…
Suddenly, the rubble of the Bull Dog erupted and scattered across the wastes. And where they once stood was Bass, but changed. He had traded his orange stripes for a dark purple, and had sprouted matching wings, which he used to hover over the desert. He glowed with a new power, one Wario was unsure he could take on.
Super Bass had come to enact his revenge.
“WARIO! Your games…end here!”
“WAHAHAHAHA! No-a way, I’m-a gonna win! So get-a ready, cuz here comes-a WAAAAAALOGY for-a your funeral! Roses are-a red, garlic is-a white, you’ll-a be dead, and then I go take a bite!”
“We’ll see…”
Wario raised his fist and ran towards Super Bass, who intercepted Wario’s thrown punch with one of his own. Surprisingly, Bass’s punch was more than capable of standing up to Mega Metal Wario’s, who was forced to recoil while Bass delivered a powerful kick to Metal Wario’s midsection, sending the giant tumbling to the desert sand. While Wario was dazed, Bass switched to his powerful Lightning Bolt and unleashed a storm of thunderous electricity, further amped by Treble’s power so that the normal 5 bolts was instead fifteen, all hitting Wario at the same time. And because he was made of metal, he conducted all of them into his body, dealing immense damage and causing the garlic-eater to become soot-stained as a result.
As Bass took a moment to clap at his own success, Wario took the opportunity to kick out with his leg, slamming into Bass with enough force to send the robot into a mountain, destroying it entirely in the process. Groggy, Wario sat up, turned around, and let loose a giant stinker, which was…also made of metal somehow, and formed into a fist.
The metal fart fist slammed into Bass and erupted in a metallic smokescreen, with Bass being shot out of the sky and forced to make an emergency landing in the sand as Wario laughed at the robot’s misfortune.
Angered at being made a joke of, Bass took to the skies once more and began a furious punching session on Wario’s bulbous nose, hitting it left, right, and center over and over again as Wario couldn’t raise his arms to defend himself, before Bass switched over to his Solar Blaze and fired a couple spread shots of fire. When they hit Wario, they made some parts of his body melt a bit, as Wario stared in disbelief.
“WAHUH?!” Wario gasped as he staggered backwards, giving Bass enough time to deliver a powerful axe kick right to Wario’s gut, sending the titanic Toadstoolian high into the air.
But as Wario went up, he formulated an idea. A wonderfully awful idea, an idea where he assumed a meditation stance and began falling like a rock, too fast for Bass to dodge before Wario squashed the poor robot flat, forming a crater as large as a warehouse underneath his titanium tushy.
“How-a you like that, loser!?” Wario taunted, as he laughed at the misfortune of his opponent, who was forced to sniff all of Wario’s horrendous metallic fumes as they corroded Bass’s skin.
“Get…offa…ME…DUMBASS!” Bass roared as he grabbed onto Wario’s posterior and, with the strength of Hercules, picked up and tossed Wario!
Startled, Wario attempted to repeat his butt-gong trick again, but it was at that moment when the Metal Cap’s power ran out and Wario turned back into his normal form.
“Ah, that’s okay. I’m-a still supa bi-“
And then the Mega Mushroom expired as well, reverting Wario back to his usual size.
“Ah, pastrami!”
And with that, Bass jumped to his feet and slid across the desert at blinding speeds, grabbing onto Wario’s collar before the fat plumber could process what was happening. Lifting Wario into the air, Bass fixed him with an angry gaze and cocked his buster so that it was pointed directly at Wario’s cheeky face.
“Any last words before I wear your skull as a helmet?” Bass threatened.
“Okay, first of all: that’s-a real gross. And this is-a coming from ME! And-a second…you’re not-a the only-a one with a fancy suit, ya know!”
Confused, Bass lowered his gun for just a second. Fortunately, a second was all Wario needed to raise his fingers to his lips and whistle a command of his own:
Suddenly, Wario’s whole body was engulfed in sparks of electricity, bolts so intense that Bass had to leap back several feet to avoid being blasted to smithereens.An arm cannon materialized around Wario’s arm, followed by a metallic suit around his body and legs, before a helmet finally materialized atop his head, complete with a visor.
When the transformation was complete, Wario stepped out of the light and revealed his all new Power Suit, straining to contain the yellow-capped Italian’s hulking frame.
“Now we got a REAL party-a, no?” Wario questioned, cocking his own arm cannon at Bass.
Bass looked surprised, but it quickly faded. “You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But right now, it’s more like the sincerest form of ripping me off. And you have no idea how much that pisses me off. I AM THE ORIGINAL, THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, THE ROBOT OVERLORD!”
“Jeez…you-a need to loosen up. Maybe get a hobby? I can sell you one of-a my games if you-a want-”
“SHUT UP!” Bass interjected, slamming his fist into Wario’s face…
…at least, he would have if Wario hadn’t blocked his punch. With his immense strength, Wario lifted not only Bass’s arm, but his whole body into the air, before slamming the robot onto the ground with immeasurable force.
Bass groaned as he attempted to stand up, but Wario wasn’t quite done. Taking his hand of Bass’s arm, he instead grasped his leg, lifting him once more and slamming him onto Wario’s other side, face-first. Again and again, Wario made Bass kiss the pavement HARD until Bass’s face was little more than a mangled piece of metal, before Wario threw the arrogant robot into a cactus nearby.
“Ah, JESUS!” Bass screeched as he painfully dislodged himself from the cactus and found a mess of needles sticking out of his behind. He tried to continue fighting but every step he took was plagued with a thousand years of pain rushing into him all at once, until Bass couldn’t take it anymore and began plucking the needles out one by one.
Unfortunately, this left Bass open to attack by Wario’s arm cannon, which fired a spread of energy blasts that all traveled into the sky save for one. The one shot slammed directly into Bass’s chestplate and forced the automaton into the sky, where he was intercepted by one of Wario’s remaining charge shots implanting a sharp electrical jolt into his systems. However, the true purpose was to inflict knockback onto Bass, forcing him into another shot in the chain again and again, until Bass was knocked high into the air by the final ball.
While Bass was stunned from the assault, Wario took aim once more, but this time switched his ammo to something a bit more…unconventional.
“Eat-a shit and die, motherfucka! Literally!” Wario yelled, as he fired a pile of liquid feces directly at Bass, which hit the bot dead-on and stained his paintjob with…unmentionable elements.
“I really don’t wanna know what just hit me, do I.” Bass groaned as he felt something sticky attached to his body. Then he took a whiff. “Yep, yep, that’s what I thought. Fucking hell, it’s gonna take weeks to get this off!”
Angered at Wario for literally shitting on him, Bass turned and fired a swarm of Dive Missiles directly at Wario, which veered off in different directions as soon as they materialized before homing in on the armored plumber.
Undeterred, Wario simply switched to his other offensive maneuver and fired off clouds of fart gas directly from his private areas, which were so awful-smelling that they made the Dive Missiles disintegrate on contact, with Wario turning to face Bass with a shit-eating grin.
“So, you got-a any more tricks for-a me?” Wario questioned, as he once more pointed his gun in Bass’s direction and prepared to open fire, Bass right in his sights.
“Well…not yet, actually, but a plan is coming! Lemme just put that out there!”
Unamused, Wario shot out several more combo blasts of energy and shit, intermixing the two so when they hit Bass they exploded into showers of electricity and feces that rained down on Bass and stained his already permanently ruined armor even more.
However, Bass wasn’t quite done yet, as he dodged some of Wario’s shots and pelted him with just as many blasts from his Rebound Striker, bouncing across the desert sands and off of cacti so that they slammed into Wario, distracting him long enough for Bass to get in close and deal a few quick hits before taking to the skies once again, out of Wario’s reach by just a bit.
Eventually, however, Wario’s impatience got the better of him. “Stop-a running away, you-a piece of-a shit!” Wario shouted as he used his jet boosters to jump into the air and transformed into his “morph ball” form, along with generating a series of spikes that ran all around the outside. Wario began spinning around like a buzzsaw, moving faster and faster as he slammed into Bass’s side and began carving out chunks of Bass’s body, scattering the desert sand with Bassnium.
Yet amidst all the pain Bass was feeling, he was smiling. For Wario had finally taken his bait and gotten into range, range of Bass’s Stronger Buster. And while Wario was busy attacking, Bass had leveled his gun at Wario’s power suit.
“GOTCHA!” Bass yelled, as he used one arm to grab Wario and throw him off, and the other hand to fire a saved-up charge shot directly at the armored plumber, hitting his target with a bullseye and generating an explosion that could be seen for miles. The damage had been done, though, and Wario was now back in his yellow and purple attire as he fell face-first onto the sand, smoldering from the attack.
Bass smirked, sure that he had gotten Wario this time as the fat fighter sat up and rubbed his aching head.
“Ow-a…you think-a maybe you coulda been a bit-a more gentle with that last-a hit, paisano?” Wario murmured as he struggled to get to his feet, still a bit groggy.
“Maybe. But I like watching you suffer, worm. Especially since you’re all out of fancy tricks!”
“Is-a that your answer to-a everything? You-a really need a new catch-a phrase, eh?” Wario retorted, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote, waggling it in front of Bass’s face.
“Oh no, don’t tell me-“
“Yep!” Wario answered, pushing the button with much fanfare.
Seconds later, an absolutely enormous mecha shaped like a certain familiar ape was dropped right next to Wario, along with an elevator up to the cockpit. With no time to spare, Wario ignored the transport and jumped straight into the head of the mech, closing the door and powering up the device.
“What the heck is this shit? A Wily Machine!? That bastard gave them to other people and not ME!?” Bass shouted.
“Actually-a, I like to call it…METAL GEAR APE!”
“Metal Gear…”
“Now feel the power of nanomach- I-a mean FARTS!”
Wario pushed a button, and the giant robotic Donkey Kong took out a metallic barrel from its midsection and hurled it at Bass, who just barely managed to dodge it as it exploded into a shower of grenade bananas.
Unfortunately, Bass was a tad too slow on the uptake to dodge the miniature explosions behind him, which pushed him just enough to get in range of Mecha DK’s Charged Punch, hitting him so hard that Bass’s launched body created a sonic cone as it slammed into a sand dune, with the mech belting out a hearty laugh in response.
Suffice it to say, Bass was rather tired of having sand, proverbial and literal, kicked in his face, and so he took to the air and switched to his ever reliable Quick Boomerang, firing off multiple boomerang shots that left little nicks in Mecha DK’s armor. However, the robot didn’t seem to be slowing down as it continued to swipe at Bass with surprising speed considering it’s massive size and weight, although one of the Quick Boomerangs did pierce the cockpit and earn a curse from Wario about “how much the mech cost!”
As Bass swooped around for another bombing raid, Wario pressed a button on his control console, and the Mecha DK pulled out a banana from his chest. Taking a moment to peel it, Mecha DK then squeezed the peel and shot the banana like a shotgun blast, hitting Bass and tearing a hole right through his arm due to how fast it was giong.
“Shit! Not again!” Bass cursed, as he shot a volley of Freeze Crackers at Mecha DK and freezing its arm in place before it could fire another banana. Then Bass flew in and kicked the frozen appendage right back into the mech’s face, hitting Wario with extreme force and toppling the robot.
With his goal accomplished, Bass used the Freeze Cracker once more, freezing the mech’s arms and legs to the ground and leaving Wario totally exposed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Bass switched to his Super Arm, his hand growing to enormous size and ready to punch Wario’s face into oblivion.
“It’s OVER!” Bass yelled as he flew high into the sky, before turning and diving towards Wario at incredible speeds, ready to end the fight once and for all.
“Oh NO!” Wario countered, as he jammed the controls over and over in an attempt to break free, before finally hearing a slight crackling sound coming from the right arm. Excited, Wario kept wiggling the right stick until finally the arm came free, and was able to flex once more. Seeing Bass about to make a nuclear touchdown, Wario pulled back the arm as far as he could while stuck to the ground, before making it surge forward at high speed and intercepting Bass’s Super Arm punch. The collision created shockwaves and ultimately a destructive burst of energy that kicked up all of the surrounding sand, pushing it to the sides to reveal the hard, rocky earth.
When the dust settled, Mecha DK was gone, and Bass was looking more than a little worse for wear. Many wires were sticking out of his body, and his headpieces were either bent or missing. Regardless, he was sure, 100%, without a doubt, that it was over this ti-
“It’s-a MEEEEEEE!”
“OH FUCK OFF, SERIOUSLY!?” Bass yelled, more agonized than frustrated as he saw a fat shadow come out of the dust. It was Wario, but now his attire had changed once more. He was now dressed in what appeared to be pink pajamas with garlic cloves on them, along with a purple mask adorning his face.
He had become WARIO MAN!
“Alright-a friend, it’s-a time! This is-a where we settle things! You-a ready?” Wario taunted, as he shifted into a battle stance.
“Sure! At least now we can end this!” Bass roared, as the two prepared to finally end the drawn-out clash.
At first, it was silent. The only thing that disturbed the peaceful atmosphere was tumbleweeds rolling across the dunes. But then the buzzards above gave a mighty crow, and the two fighters charged towards each other, slamming their fists against one another.
Neither one gave an inch, and so they kept punching each other again and again, the shockwaves of their punches slowly destabilizing the ground beneath them and dispersing the clouds above with ease.
Finally, Wario and Bass pulled back their fists one last time.
“DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Bass cried out, as he lunged.
“WAHAAA!” Wario retorted, as his fist met with Bass’s and created one final shockwave. Unfortunately for the two of them, this was simply too much for the ground underneath to take, and the earth collapsed, with Wario and Bass falling down the created hole, all the way to what seemed to be the center of the earth.
“Oh, you damn idiot! Now look what you’ve done!” Bass scolded, as he smacked Wario in the face with his buster.
“ME! I think it’s-a you who-a fucked up, no?” Wario countered, bitchslapping Bass right back, as the two began a furious slap fight as they fell deeper and deeper into the Earth’s core, until it started to get very hot all of a sudden.
“Hey-a! Whatsa goin’ on?” Wario questioned, as he pulled on his collar.
“It’s the core! We’re gonna burn up in its heat, you dumbass!” Bass insultingly replied.
“Okay! Then I-a guess we’re gonna settle this with-a one final attack! Letsa go!” Wario retorted, as he turned his back to face Bass with a look of defiance in his eyes, his mustache gleaming.
“Sounds good to me!”
Bass held out his faithful Bass Buster one last time, and began charging it up more than he had ever done before. Wario, meanwhile, prepared for his ultimate Wario Waft, one with power unrivaled by anything he had unleashed prior.
Finally, their power reached its peak, and Bass’s buster was creating ripples that were disrupting the space-time continuum. Wario felt like his ass was about to explode. And so, with nothing to lose and everything to gain…
“SUPER BUSTER CYCLONE!”
“WAAAAAAARIO WAFT NUKE!”
As soon as the two hits collided, there was simply nothing. No sound except for the planet breaking apart in one swift motion.
And then…silence. The cold, empty vacuum of space was all that echoed in the face of the one who survived. The ultimate creation of one of the world’s most genius minds flexed his android-style muscles and stretched his arms to the sky.
“At last…it’s done. Now…I have proven myself to be the ultimate overlord. The true master of the human race. The king of all robot-kind. I, Bass, have shown all my power! I, BASS, AM THE SUPREME!”
Bass was so busy grandstanding, however, he failed to notice a smelly presence lurking right behind him, and by the time he did…
“Uurgh!” Bass groaned, as he felt his chest and realized there was a massive hole right through it. A hole created by a white-gloved hand belonging to a yellow-capped foul-breathed treasure hunter.
“That’s…not possible…” Bass gasped, as he felt his last moments of life slipping away from him. “I was supposed to win…I was supposed to be the supreme…”
“WAHAAA! Eat that, loser!” Wario cackled, as he moved his fist up and split Bass right in two! As the robot’s halves moved away from each other, Wario finished them off with a few corrosive Wario wafts, until there was nothing left.
And with his victory assured, Wario belted to the skies:
“I’MA NUMBER ONE!!!!”
: Huh. Neat.
: The entire planet is gone and all you can say is “Neat”!?
: Well, yeah it was pretty neat.
: Don’t you care about the planet Maria loved so much!?
: Who?
: At the risk of serious bodily harm, we might as well get to discussing why Bass lost. And this…this is gonna be a doozy.
: Starting with Bass, the robot should definitely be somewhere in the planetary range due to scaling to Mega Man, who is comparable to Wily’s satellite lasers in power. And those things were enough to apparently raze the world and reduce it to ash if they had succeeded. Bass’s durability should be roughly the same since he can take hits from Mega Man, and he should be faster than light via fighting Quick Man, who (mistranslations aside) is able to move at lightspeed.
: So we got Planet Level and FTL Bass, so let’s look and see how Wario stacks up. And uh…yeah he definitely does. There is of course the feat of him surviving the Shake King’s explosion, which was calculated at Small Planet Level, but this is NOWHERE near his limit. In the Yoshi’s Island games, Yoshi was able to punt Raphael the Raven so hard that the bird created the missing piece of a constellation in the sky, which was calculated as Star Level. This is already impressive…but we can go even further.
: In Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam, Paper Mario is shown to be comparable to the Bros., and Bowser is capable of harming Paper Mario. This is important for two reasons. One of them is that Paper Mario survived the collapse of Sammer’s Kingdom in Super Paper Mario, and Sammer’s Kingdom is roughly the size of a universe, meaning that Paper Mario tanked a universe-busting attack. Now obviously, an argument could be made that Tipi teleported them out before they could sustain most of the damage, but even if that was the case, a small chunk of Universal+ would still be Universal+. And though this sounds like an outlier, scaling to Rosalina, who is portrayed as on par with the mainline cast in all games after Super Mario Galaxy 2 and has her own Universal+ feat via resetting the universe, makes it more than consistent enough.
: The second reason is that in two of the Yoshi’s Island games, those being New Island and DS, Bowser from the modern era actually shows up in the past to help fight against Yoshi. And both times, Yoshi is capable of not only standing up to Bowser, but defeating him as well. And considering Yoshi is one of the weaker characters in the verse, pretty much every character scales to some level of Universal+, including Wario. Again, this is backed up by the game Bowser’s Minions, which actually shows enemies like Goombas and Koopa Troopas as being able to fight against foes like Fawful, who gives the Mario Bros. a hard time.
: As for speed, there’s quite a few MFTL+ feats in the franchise, such as the Millennium Star flying to the edge of the universe in Mario Party 3 which got trillions of times the speed of light, but the most notable is the one from the end of Super Mario Galaxy, where Rosalina’s Comet Observatory flies to the center of the universe in seconds. This feat got at least 100 quadrillion times the speed of light, and since Mario’s reactions are about on par with Rosalina’s as of now, this means that Mario and all similar characters in physicality, like Wario, should scale as well.
: So with that, we’ve got a Planet Level and FTL character fighting a Universal+ and MFTL+ character. Yeah…look, Bass may have some cool stuff in his arsenal and is debatably more intelligent thanks to his robotic brain, but really, Bass surviving more than one picosecond against Wario is a feat that should be commended if it actually happened.
: Bass just got Wari-owned here, sadly.
: The winner is Wario, the Microgame Master
Wario (Winner):
+ More experienced overall
+ Far more unpredictable
+ Greater overall lifting strength
++++ Absolutely annihilates Bass in terms of raw power
++++ Ironically, blitzes the ever-living shit out of Bass
= Versatility
– Intelligence
– Is technically fighting a two on one battle due to Treble
Bass (Loser): + Intelligence
+ Has a numbers advantage due to Treble = Versatility
– Less experienced overall
– Far more predictable
– Less overall lifting strength
—- Gets absolutely murdered by Wario’s raw power
—- Cannot even begin to comprehend Wario’s massive speed advantage
Note: Recently Sonic RPG eps 10 showed Seelkadoom fighting against Hyper Sonic and Super Shadow, so there is potential for Seelkadoom to win eventually.
: Fear a man, for what he could do. : Fear a THING, for what it will do. : Fear the mind, for what it can imagine. : And FEAR the possibility that these edgy OCs actually turned out…not terrible? : Wait, what? Are you pulling my shell, bro? : Honestly, I’m just as shocked as you. But I’m not gonna let it show because I’m cool and edgy. : Yeah, tell me how that works out. You can join my buddy Spikeflame the Dragon Mechaedgemaster down in the Vault when it doesn’t work out. : Look, I don’t know why you’re so intent on antagonizing me, but- : Oh, that’s easy. I’m just the best at making the “Ultimate Life Form” throw a hissy fit. People have said I’m naturally charismatic, I guess it just doesn’t work on half-pint shrews. But hey, I suppose not everyone can appreciate and bask in the glory of the King of Awesome! : Oh, I beg to differ, my spiky compatriot… : Not you again… : Ah, Shadow, my inferior brother. How ARE you doing today, hmm? : I don’t have time for this… : But I came all the way from my castle in Herbegitan to see and then destroy you. Couldn’t you at least provide me with a decent challenge, or maybe regale me with a joke or two? : Do I look like a clown to you!? : Mmm…do you really want me to answer that? Because in this circumstance I would say honesty is rather unwise, lest I cause you to start flailing your arms like a maniacal miscreant on a rampage. : Yes…I totally understood all those words! Well…when Kamek helped me find a dictionary. And read it. And sound it out. And get them out of my mouth. And- : Yes, we get it, shell for brains, you’re an idiot, can we move on before I get bored? : Is EVERYONE just gonna break in here like some buddy cop flick, cuz I ain’t paying for the donuts! : Relax, worm, I’m not gonna stay long. Just wanted to scope out the worthless piece of trash whose ass I’ll be giving a sound kick today. : And what, pray tell, made you daft or brave enough to believe you can take on Seelkadoom, the ultimate hedgehog, the one who bested the Nightmare Warrior Reala? : You know, that stuff’s really great for one of those “you tried” certificates you stick on the fridge, but against me you might as well go home and cry to daddy Eggman. : Alright, worm, do you wish to- : Look, cutting to the chase, we’re the trio of Bowser, JJ, and Shadow, and it’s time for a SMACKDOWNNN!!!
—
Herbegitan, Dark Side
It was dark…and cold. The trees were bare and lifeless, their sickly looking branches making contortions and dancing in the howling wind. The leaves that had once adorned these great oaks were now littered across the ground, skittering across the dirt and asphalt due to the gale’s power. These forests had once been full of vigor and energy, but had long since fallen into disarray with the arrival of the mad Nightmare Prince Reala, sworn enemy of the Light Side ruler NiGHTS, the Dream Traveler, had taken up residence, twisting the once luscious landscapes and rolling fields into nightmarish atrocities. Those who hadn’t been killed by Reala’s cruel genocide had left long ago to bolster the power of the light side in a desperate attempt to stop Reala. And for a while, it seemed to be working. Reala’s forces had lost ground, forced to retreat to the Castle of Nightmares. NiGHTS’ armies pushed forth day after day, and were on the verge of ending the war of dark and light.
Then he arrived.
It had happened so fast. He just tumbled through a portal in the sky, encapsulated in a ball of light along with three others. Ever since then, the dark side had been edging closer and closer to victory, helmed by their new commander, the dark hedgehog lord. Not many had truly seen his face, but if they listened carefully, they could hear his cold, merciless chuckling, moments before their life was snuffed out by a single blast. No remains were ever left, other than illusory flashes of black and blue, merged together into an unholy dark shape that none could stand against.
He went by many names, but most just referred to him by his self-given title:
Seelkadoom.
Not all was lost, however, for the three who had followed Seelkadoom had joined NiGHTS to fight for good. Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles all fought as hard as they could, and finally scored a major victory, killing the false king Reala once and for all in a climactic showdown. And yet Seelkadoom seemed unfazed, lazily demanding a challenge from the chosen heroes at Reala’s former castle, presenting an ultimatum they could not refuse. And this…this is where we begin…
Present…
“Ah, Sonic, Shadow, so glad you made it to my little soiree. Do you like it? I had the place decorated just so for your arrival. I even went out of my way to get the super high-end premium skulls and bloodstains. Those aren’t cheap, you know.” Seelkadoom playfully bantered, twirling his finger in the air with the utmost casualty.
“Don’t bother trying to distract us, Seelkadoom! You wanted a fight, and one way or another, we’re gonna settle this here, and NOW!” yelled Shadow, the Ultimate Life Form, raising his fists to assume a boxing stance.
“Yeah!” Knuckles the Echidna roared. “We’ll show you! When we’re done, you’ll look like Amy Rose on Green Hill Homecoming Night!”
Somewhere back home, at Emerald Coast, Amy Rose sat up, taking off her sunglasses in the process.
“Miss Amy, what are you worried about?” said Amy Rose’s best friend, Cream the Rabbit.
“You don’t look very super-duper happy!” said Big the Cat, the third member of Team Rose.
“I don’t know why…but I feel like giving Knuckles a taste of my Piko Piko Hammer the next time I see him!” Amy yelled.
Back to Herbegitan…
“Oh, please, you simple minded fool. If you didn’t have your two bodyguards keeping you safe, I would have you finished in an instant. You couldn’t protect your rock before, and you certainly can’t do it now.” Seelkadoom taunted.
“Uurgh…Why you little-“
“Hey, Knuckles, calm down! We gotta plan a strategy, remember?” said the other hedgehog, this one with blue quills and red shoes, going by the moniker of Sonic the Hedgehog. “This guy is too powerful to take head on, you know that!”
“Sonic is correct. It took all of our power to defeat Reala, and Seelkadoom is many times stronger than that! My Judgement Night is useless against a foe with this modicum of power.” uttered the last of the heroes, the jester lord NiGHTS.
“Hmm…Shadow, my inferior brother, you and that red oaf should listen to the clown and his pet porcupine. You have no hope of defeating me. I’ve bested you every time we have fought, what makes you think increasing the amount of cannon fodder will change the results?” Seelkadoom mocked.
“C-clown?”
“PORCUPINE!?” Sonic roared. “Alright, that settles it! Shadow! It’s time to show this guy the REAL SUPER POWER OF-“
“Yeah, OK, Super Power of Teamwork, yadda yadda, but if you get in my way, Sonic, I swear to god I’ll destroy you too!”
“Alright, Mr. Grumpy. We can settle this another time.” Sonic conceded, before concentrating as hard as he could. Digging deep within to his last reserves of power, he could feel his chakras opening one by one, until finally the true power of Chaos was revealed to him, allowing him to transform in a flash of light so bright that even Rouge could swear she had seen it from her luxury apartment. Standing where Sonic had once been was Sonic, yet golden, and with quills that stood up on their own. Super Sonic had arrived.
“Hmph…your, Super form? Is that it? I had hoped that you would offer me something a bit more challenging than what I’ve already faced and crushed several times before. Are you simply getting desperate, Sonic?” Seelkadoom questioned.
“Hmph, funny. Cuz from what I remember, I beat you last time with this form, remember?” Sonic countered.
“True. And I offer you my respect. But, that was the first, and only, chance you will ever get. I have grown far stronger since then, and with the power of yours and Shadow’s DNA, I am unstoppable!”
“Fine, so you can handle ONE Super form…”
“Hmm?” Seelkadoom pondered, trying to find where the sound was coming from.
“…But can you handle TWO?”
Another light, this time closer to white than yellow, filled the arena once more, forcing Seelkadoom to shield his eyes once more. When he opened them, Super Shadow was now opposing him as well.
“Hmm…now how did you manage to figure out how to unlock the power of the Super Form without the Chaos Emeralds?”
“That secret is mine and mine alone!” Shadow replied bluntly. ‘”Hah…the energy from this Holy Sapphire that NiGHTS gave me isn’t gonna last forever. So I gotta beat Seelkadoom here and now, before it runs out and I get crushed!'” Shadow mentally strategized.
“Well, no matter how it happened, the results will be the same. If Sonic’s form couldn’t defeat me, then neither can yours!”
“You really gotta learn at some point that me and this blue idiot over here are NOT the same.”
“Oh, yes, of course. You’re the arrogant one, and he’s the stupid happy one. I understand now.”
“You know you’re just asking for trouble at this point, right?” Shadow and Sonic said in unison.
“Don’t mock us, Seelkadick, or we’re gonna-“
Knuckles didn’t get to finish his taunt before Seelkadoom suddenly materialized right next to the spike fisted echidna, grabbing his throat at speeds Knuckles couldn’t even comprehend. Lifting the echidna to eye level, Seelkadoom spoke in a cold, slow voice:
“What did you call me, vermin?”
Before Knuckles could answer, Seelkadoom lifted Knuckles high in the air and then slammed him down hard into the castle’s roof. When he lifted Knuckles again, he was sporting a black eye and a chipped tooth. But Seelkadoom wasn’t feeling particularly merciful, so he continued to do it, again and again and again, smashing Knuckles’ face into the hard stone with all the ferocity of a wild bear on the hunt.
“INSECTS. LIKE. YOU. SHOULD. LEARN. TO. STAY. QUIET!” Seelkadoom roared, every word punctuated by an audible crack in the stone.
Eventually, Knuckles’ face was more akin to a blob of red clay, rocks stuck into his features in all the wrong places. Satisfied, Seelkadoom tossed Knuckles aside like a rag doll, an evil smirk appearing on his face as the guardian of the Master Emerald struggled to get up from the beating he had just taken.
“You see, fools…this is the power of Seelkadoom! Back down, and I may spare your lives!”
“Not a chance, Seelkadoom. We’re gonna take you down, and avenge the lives of Ristar, and all the other people you’ve killed in your sick conquest!” NiGHTS said with confidence.
“Go ahead and try it!” Seelkadoom egged NiGHTS on, getting into a battle stance. But before he could react he was kicked in the stomach by Sonic, forcing him to hunch over and cough up what he swore was blood. “BLASTING THROUGH WITH SONIC SPEED!” Super Sonic yelled, before attempting to deliver a powerful axe kick to Seelkadoom’s head. But unfortunately, it failed to connect as Seelkadoom actually caught the attack with his bare hands! Sonic looked shocked, as Seelkadoom stood up and headbutted Sonic right in the face, sending the golden anthro flying back several feet. Shadow, seeing Sonic flying towards him, caught him in midair and swung him around like an Olympic Hammer, before flinging him back towards Seelkadoom, boosting the living projectile’s speed with a few well placed Chaos Spears. Unfortunately, Seelkadoom simply backhanded Sonic and marked him return to sender, forcing Shadow to kick Sonic in the stomach to continue the volley.
And so, in a bizarre game of living tennis, Sonic was sent back and forth by the physical blows and energy shots of Shadow and Seelkadoom. Sonic could feel his body wracked with pain, and wished to transform out of his super form to stop the contest.
“Sonic, don’t you dare give up. We can win this! Just hold your form for a little longer! C’mon, I thought you wanted to prove yourself as the world’s best at speed! Well this is your chance! Go faster, fast enough to break through Seelkadoom’s defense!” Shadow encouraged.
Sonic could barely understand Shadow’s words, but the meaning rang true, and he gave a groggy nod. Curling up into a ball, Sonic revved up like he had never done before, and launched into his powerful Spin Dash maneuver, straight into Shadow’s waiting rocket skate powered kick. The power behind Shadow’s strike sent Sonic flying at inhuman speeds towards Seelkadoom, who realized he had no chance of deflecting the shot, and so he braced himself as Sonic came flying full tilt into Seelkadoom’s stomach and waiting arms. Sonic’s momentum was so great, however, that Seelkadoom was sent flying backward anyway, skidding his feet on the ground until the soles were burnt out, and just barely managing to stop before he fell off the edge. With his body stopped, Seelkadoom picked Sonic up and slammed him into the ground, before throwing him upward and delivering a powerful kick to Sonic’s midsection to send Super Sonic flying all the way up to the moon. Sonic probably would have kept flying all the way up into space, but thankfully the moon stopped his motion as he crashed headlong into its surface, creating a giant hole that turned the one full moon into a crescent.
“So, Shadow…when do you plan on launching your real attack, hmm?”
Shadow growled, before launching himself full speed at Seelkadoom using his Light Speed Attack, attempting to deliver a quick series of jabs and kicks, but Seelkadoom simply weaved around all of the intended strikes, before slamming his fist into Shadow’s ribs and kneeing the hedgehog in the crotch, forcing Shadow to double over and clutch his…you know.
But in this brief moment of weakness came Seelkadoom’s chance to uppercut Shadow into the air, and then fly up to meet the oncoming body. Charging up a blue sphere of energy, Seelkadoom held it in front of his face and set Shadow in his sights.
“Sayonara…Shadow the Hedgehog. It’s been…a blast.”
Seelkadooom was about to fire, until Shadow managed to open his eyes at the last second. Observing Seelkadoom aiming at him, Shadow focused and then yelled:
“CHAOS CONTROL!!!”
All of a sudden, the world seemed to stop. The loose stones that were falling from the castle’s battlements stopped in midair. The crows flying in the skies above ceased their caws and wingbeats. The howling wind was silent. And everyone else sans Shadow was completely motionless. Shadow, meanwhile, managed to right himself, and flew up slowly until he was level with Seelkadoom, who was still in the process of charging his attack.
“Hmph. Sorry, half-breed. Looks like the original will always be the best. Say Goodbye!” Shadow methodically spoke, charging up his very own Chaos Spear.
“On the contrary…”
“Whuh-” Shadow started, before being backhanded by a strong force, sending him backwards once again. “H-how did he-?”
“You might be able to stop time, Ultimate Life Form…but you can’t stop me. You can’t stop any of it, really. It’s honestly quite sad you didn’t expect I could counter your pathetic ‘strongest move’ considering the fact that I am made from you.” Seelkadoom mocked.
“How are you so powerful! ANSWER ME!”
“You still haven’t figured it out yet? How disappointing. You have all the clues. Put them together.”
“Well…you’re capable of matching a Super Form character…like you have some kind of unlimited source of power…no. No, it couldn’t be. It has to be a joke!”
“I’m sure you wish that it was Shadow…” Seelkadoom began, spreading his arms out as he began to glow, “but it is true. I have them. The seven gems of Chaos…the Chaos Emeralds.”
And there they were, circling Seelkadoom, the gems that gave Sonic and Shadow their power in the past were now fueling their greatest rival.
“So you see, Shadow, you and your foolish allies never had any hope of defeating me. But…I admire your tenacity. So I will give you a chance to live IF you surrender to me now and join my conquest of this world and the lands beyond.”
“CHAOOOSSSS…”
“Hmm…I see. Very well, if you won’t surrender to me quietly, I’ll just have to make an example of you. Dragging your beautifully bloodied corpse around the streets of this pitiful world should do nicely. Ahem…
“DARKKKK…”
“BLAST!”
Both Shadow and Seelkadoom released their attacks simultaneously, the combined Chaos Energy causing the surrounding environment to distort and warp, bending around the explosion of the two attacks.
Even the Chaos Emeralds weren’t safe, being sucked in to the vortex. “What…what is happening? Explain yourself, Shadow!” Seelkadoom yelled.
“ME!? This has your grubby fingers all over iiii-!” were Shadow’s last words before he was sucked into the vortex after the Chaos Emeralds, Seelkadoom not far behind, before the portal closed and reality returned to normal. Sonic and the rest of the world was released from the Chaos Control, as Sonic could only scratch his head and mutter, “What the heck just happened?”
Within the Emeralds…
Shadow and Seelkadoom sat up, shaking their heads as they tried to figure out what had just happened. As they cleared their vision, they saw themselves trapped in a world of rainbow colors, pulsing like a heartbeat.
“Whuh…what happened?” Shadow asked, still groggy.
“If I were to…surmise an answer…I would assume our combined Chaos energy was powerful enough to somehow draw us into the world of the Emeralds.”
“Hmm…seems real convenient, doesn’t…it…Hey, do you see that light over there?”
“What on Herbegitan are you babbling about?” Seelkadoom ranted, as he turned around and felt his eyes go wide with shock. For right in front of him was a conspicuous dark light, gradually growing larger and larger in size as it absorbed the energy from its Emerald prison.
“I don’t like where this is going…dammit!” Shadow swore.
“Me neither, but I suppose we must face it…eww…together.” Seelkadoom reluctantly stated, feeling himself convulse inwardly.
Shadow gave him a glare, and Seelkadoom continued, saying “I despise the thought as much as you. But I sense an ancient, evil power lurking within, a power that may be greater than even I. If we are to finish our fight, we must deal with this. I know you’re a simpleton but even you must be aware of the old saying, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’?”
“…Yes.”
Shadow and Seelkadoom got into a battle stance, eyes locked on the growing darkness. The air was filled with a palpable sense of anticipation and fear scent, as the seconds seemed to stretch on like hours, until finally a boot stepped out of the dark portal, followed by a silver leg, a torso, and finally a head with spines of a hedgehog.
“No…No, it can’t be…that’s impossible, he’s dead!” Shadow muttered, growing even more afraid.
“What?”
“It’s…it’s Nazo.”
“Nazi?”
“No, NAZO. N-A-Z-O, can you get it right? He was this big threat we faced a while back, after the whole Black Arms incident. It took all of our power to beat him, and even then the damned FOURTH Chaos Emerald kept him alive all this time, I guess. And now he’s back. Shit.” Shadow exposited.
Nazo was silent for a few moments, as he gazed around the area he had landed in. Then his eyes trained on Seelkadoom, and he glared.
“Ah, Shadic! Jackass, it’s about time I get my revenge after you, ya know, BLEW ME UP.” Nazo boasted.
“S-Shadic? Nono, I am known as Seelkadoom, conqueror of Herbegitan. And you are Nazo. Pleasure to meet you, I suppose.” Seelkadoom warily said, feigning politeness.
“Conqueror? So, what, you’re trying to steal my thing? You think it’s OKAY to just, come in, and do what I was destined to do!?” Nazo ranted.
“Well, considering I’m doing a much better job at it than YOU apparently did, yes I would say so. Do you have a problem with my methods?”
“Nonono. My only ‘problem’, is that I haven’t smashed your face into the ground yet!” Nazo backtalked.
“Ahaha…cute. But I was here long before you, so why don’t you just take your leave and I’ll be happy to-“
Seelkadoom was cut off as Nazo rapidly punched him in the face, sending the black and blue hedgehog flying backwards and crashing into an invisible wall, leaving a crack in it. Nazo appeared next to Seelkadoom in an instant and continued to rapidly punch Herbegitan’s usurper ruler in the face over and over, constantly chipping away at the walls of the Emerald prison, until finally…
CRACK!
The wall broke, and there was another giant flash of light.
When everyone came to, they were back outside, and Sonic and Knuckles and NiGHTS were standing over them.
“Shadow, are you O-” Sonic began, until he caught a glimpse of Nazo. “NAZO!”
“Hehe…yes Sonic, I have come back. Back to finish what I had started long ago.”
“As long as I’m still alive, you won’t hurt my friends anymore!”
“Slow down, Sonic, I’m not here to kill you yet. I still have to finish off this imposter ruler who dared to take my place!”
“ENOUGH!”
Seelkadoom roared, unleashing a Dark Blast that pushed everyone, including Nazo, back a long ways. Seelkadoom got up and stared at Nazo with burning hatred. “So, you wish to engage in battle with the perfect life form, Seelkadoom himself? Very well, but know that you brought this upon yourself, you bothersome little worm. I’ll finish you quickly so I can deal with these hedgehogs myself!”
“That’s assuming you win, which you won’t. The pleasure of stomping these jerks into the ground is MINE, ya got that? MINE!”
Both fighters prepared to battle, the fate of the world on the line. Only one dominator would leave the battleground alive.
Seelkadoom began by casually floating towards Nazo with his arm outstretched, expecting the battle to be over in an instant. He was surprised, therefore, to see Nazo easily dodge the attack and nail Seelkadoom in the back with a well placed downward kick, sending the tyrannical two-toned terror tumbling to the stone floor, smashing into the cobblestone with an audible THUD.
“Oh, Seelkadoom…ya gonna have to try harder to beat me, ya know?” Nazo taunted.
“Well, that attack…was just a warm-up. A test to see if you were worthy enough to force me to sink to your pathetic level. And you have mildly impressed me. But be wary, that one good move is the last one you will make. I have never lost when I have gotten TRULY serious.”
“So stop talking and come at me already! I’m waiting…!” Nazo crooned, beckoning with his finger and a malicious smirk.
Seelkadoom growled and then attacked once more, this time at a much faster speed. Too fast, even, for Nazo to react, as he was unable to dodge in time to avoid the punch and was nailed right in the jaw, sending the albino autarch of armageddon down and evening the score. But Seelkadoom didn’t have time to relish in his victory before Nazo did a sweeping leg kick to knock Seelkadoom over, and jumped on top like a lynx. Using his fists, he began to beat the ever living shit out of Seelkadoom, who could barely defend himself as he held his arms in front of his face like a frightened child to stave off the vicious pummeling. Eventually, however, he saw an opening, allowing him to rear his legs back and then launch them straight into Nazo’s stomach, forcing Nazo to recoil and clutch his belly.
Seeing his chance, Seelkadoom flew into the air and snapped his fingers. “BEGONE!” Seelkadoom yelled, as he summoned a barrage of Dark Spears and hurled them all at once toward the distracted Nazo. As Nazo’s peripheral vision became tinted in dark blue, he was forced to look up from his dizzying pain to see the skies above were littered with a hailstorm of projectiles.
“Ah, shi-”
Nazo barely had enough time to erect a white barrier for protection before the spears slammed into it, the shield managing to hold, but not without some noticeable cracks. He could feel each and every spear’s impact, hitting with the force of tank shells, and so he had to use all of his willpower to hold the shield together. “C’mon, just a little more…” Nazo said to himself.
“Hmph, you know that talking to yourself for encouragement is a sign of desperation. Are you just willing to give up without even attempting to fight back? How sad. I actually thought I was facing a talented fighter at first until you let me down.” Seelkadoom mocked.
“Urgh…you know, normally I’m a firm advocate of offense being the best defense…but this time I’ll make an EXCEPTION!” Nazo roared, before turning the scattered remains of his barrier into his own Chaos Spears.
“TAKE THIS!” Nazo bellowed, as he unleashed the maelstrom of spears upon his shocked opponent.
“Uh-oh.” Seelkadoom said quietly, as he used his speed to dodge each and every spear, even going through two parallel spears like some sort of limbo master. He twirled, he twisted, he vaulted, he leaped through all the oncoming shots, until they fizzled out in the distance like firecrackers. He then turned to Nazo and smirked.
“Bravo, Nazo. Bravo. Your ingenuity is quite impressive, almost to the level of my inferior brethren. I feel we could have made a great team, you and I, conquering the world…” Seelkadoom mused.
“Maybe, but then we’d have tried to screw each other over in the end to get the power for ourselves. Cutting out the middle man feels a lot more gratifying, ya know?” Nazo countered, his hands glowing with power.
“True.”
And then, faster than anyone could react, Seelkadoom and Nazo flew at each other and started a furious melee tussle, each trying to land a crucial blow on the other, yet failing and dodging to avoid the inevitable counterattack. The two hedgehogs became nothing more than blurs in the darkened skies, their clashes creating rings of white that let off powerful sonic booms, decimating the trees around the castle and weathering the stone floor.
The immense pressure set on the bedrock by the collisions of Seelkadoom and Nazo created enormous cracks in the stone, and a rumbling was heard that reverberated throughout Herbegitan.
“Uh, Sonic?” Knuckles said, a note of fear rising in his voice.
“Yeah, Knuckles?”
“I don’t think this floor is gonna hold us for much longer!”
And, such as it was foretold, the natural luck balance of the universe shifted its favor away from Knuckles for just that moment, causing the ground underneath to cave in, ready to send Knuckles to an untimely death, his body shattering and left impaled on the sharp rocks below…
…if it weren’t for the timely assistance of NiGHTS! The jester of dreams grabbed Knuckles hand with not a moment to spare, saving him from his fate and carefully flying away to place him safely on the ground below.
As for Sonic and Shadow? They transformed into their Super forms just in time, and flew to rejoin NiGHTS and Knuckles on the ground.
“HEW, THAT WAS TIGHT!” Sonic cockily remarked, scratching his blackened nose with his trademark smirk plastered onto his face.
“Hmph, we may have gotten out of that mess, but a few miles of distance won’t stop those two from annihilating us once they’re done! We need to figure out a way to get them out of here. Any ideas?”
“Hmm…I believe I know a way. There is an ancient Herbegitan sealing spell, used long ago to prevent the conquest of the almighty Danondorf Gragmire. We don’t talk about it anymore, but…we still have the book with the spell in it, hidden in my castle on the light side. Seelkadoom and Nazo are too powerful to seal, but we can use the alternate version and transport them to another dimension.”
“Such as…?” Shadow remarked.
“I’m not sure. It seems to be random.”
“Well, THAT’S reassuring.”
“Guys, can we focus please? Those two are gonna annihilate us if we don’t do SOMETHING!” Knuckles ranted, shaking his fists in the air.
“Alright. Sonic, you and Shadow head back to my castle and grab the book. Knuckles and I will remain and keep watch of the situation. If we are in peril, I’ll contact you using telepathy. Now, hurry, and be wary of my castle’s defenses!” NiGHTS warned.
“Yeah, yeah…not like it’s the first time. Alright, Shads, let’s get going!”
“Do NOT call me Shads, or I swear I’ll kill you before we get there!”
“Alright…Edgy the Hedgey?”
“CHAOS-“
“Fine, sorry…killjoy.”
As Sonic and Shadow flew off, bickering as usual, Nazo and Seelkadoom continued their brawl unaware of the situation. Their attacks were moving faster than light, darkness, time, even the universe seemed awestruck at the rapid barrages from the two combatants. Soon, the thuds given off by the punches were spliced with sounds of krrzap! as Dark Spears met Chaos Spear, the sky lighting up like Mobian New Years.
“Damn…you’re a stubborn little shit, I’ll give you that much. Not many hedgehogs have forced me to bulk up like I am now. You can give yaself a little pat on the back, good on ya, all that jazz. But now it’s gonna cost ya!” Nazo smack talked as he punched Seelkadoom in the jaw, only to receive a kick in the shin back.
“Perhaps if you spent less time talking and more time concentrating on your attacks, you wouldn’t be so easy to predict.” Seelkadoom retorted.
“Oh, that’s rich, considering you’ve spent half this fight whiling away on your oh so eloquent and voluminous dialogue. And you’re criticizing ME on my verbosity?”
“…Maybe.”
Eventually, the two grew tired, taking the speed of their scuffle down to subsonic levels, until it finally stopped altogether, the two fighters backing away from each other to catch their breath.
“Hah…I’ll admit, this is tough, but I ain’t givin’ up just yet! CHAOOOSSSS-” Nazo began, charging his power and directing it into his legs. Seelkadoom took notice and, while still panting heavily, prepared himself for his next move.
“BOOOST!”
Nazo yelled as sped full tilt at Seelkadoom, fully intent on smashing right through his enemy’s skull…only to be surprised as Seelkadoom dissapeared!
“What!?” Nazo cried out, shocked, as he flailed his head around rapidly, attempting to find where his foe had vanished to. He was so busy looking, in fact, that he failed to notice the warm breeze tickling the back of his neck until it was too late, causing him to turn around in time to catch Seelkadoom whispering
“Boo.”
like a snake, hissing as low and long as the wind.
“Oh, shi-” Nazo started, attempting to blast Seelkadoom, only to be stopped by a dark blue aura surrounding his body. Suddenly, Nazo felt his whole body go rigid, unable to lift his arms to blast his opponent, unable to move his legs to get away, unable even to turn his head.
“Wh-what have you done to me?”
“It’s quite simple. My mind has overpowered your feeble will, and now your body is mine to command, to control. I’m like the puppetmaster, and your strings have officially been cut and replaced by the sinews of fate, wrapped around my metacarpals of dest-You know what, this sounded more imposing in my head, let’s just move on.”
And with that, Seelkadoom lifted Nazo high overhead before slamming him into the roof, leaving some blood pouring out of Nazo’s mouth. Seelkadoom did not stop, though. He kept on slamming Nazo into battlements, the wooden dining table below, the ashen fireplace, the weapon stocked armory, even the sewage system wasn’t glossed over as Seelkadoom rampaged throughout his castle, hellbent on finishing Nazo off no matter the cost.
By the time Seelkadoom grew bored, Nazo had sharp implements stuck to every part of his body, looking more like a porcupine than a hedgehog, and he was bloodied and battered all over. His eyes were half closed, and he was just barely clinging to life.
“How pathetic. I suppose my suspicions about you were right all along. But I suppose you did give me a halfway decent fight. Now…where are those meddlesome do-gooders I need to crush?” Seelkadoom mused, turning his back and floating away.
BIG MISTAKE.
As Seelkadoom turned his back, Nazo’s hand reached weakly into the sky, and then gained new strength to slam back into the rock, leaving a tiny crater. Seelkadoom paid no mind and continued on, unaware that Nazo was using his regained power to lift himself onto his hand, and then flex his legs to climb back to his feet. Once finished, he held out his hand, generating an even larger ball of Chaos Energy than before. Larger and larger it grew, until it was almost the size of a dwarf star, and just as bright.
Seelkadoom didn’t see it at first, but as the light grew brighter he felt it on the nape of his neck. “What on Mobius is going o-O-OH MY GO-“
“CHAOS TORRENT!”
Instead of a bunch of large computer files, out of Nazo’s ball erupted hundreds upon thousands of small, yet incredibly deadly Chaos Spears, forming a white spiral that swirled around the battlefield, collecting bits of dust and residue like a gravity drive, until it resembled an enormous energy meteor, bursting with power and immense destructive capability.
“That…looks slightly more impossible to dodge than I’m willing to risk my life on.” Seelkadoom quipped, before gathering his energy, placing two fingers to his temple, and disappearing in a flash of light, leaving the spears with no target as they burst into miniature explosions, peppering the skies in bright flashes.
But not all of them.
As Seelkadoom popped back behind Nazo, some of the Spears, sensing Seelkadoom’s chaos energy, turned around and began homing in on the ‘hog. Startled, Seelkadoom took to the skies and attempted to fly away from the shots. However, it was all in vain, as they were simply too quick and began to gain on Seelkadoom.
“AHAHAHAHA, Good bye!” Nazo cackled, watching his handiwork with the proud look of a father.
Seelkadoom was desperate, flying through the forest in an attempt to stop the shots from following him by leading them into the trees, but they were simply too powerful, and passed right through all of them. Even when Seelkadoom lifted three of the trees with his mind and twirled them around like a pinwheel, the shots still passed through as if they were air. Rocks, water, they all burned upon facing this powerful force. It all seemed hopeless…
…but Seelkadoom still had one idea left.
“Time to put those skills from Crack and Baxter to work!” Seelkadoom muttered to himself, as he changed course and made a beeline back to the castle, the missile spears hot on his tail. Nazo, meanwhile, was still chuckling over his brilliant plan, unaware that it was about to blow up right in his face…literally.
Seelkadoom was flying higher, higher, higher…up to the heavens, the spears straining to keep up. He went so high that he was silhouetted against the moon, broken by the wizard Gragmire in centuries past. Then he turned back to face the ground, and dived. He flew so fast that in no time he reached terminal velocity, aiming directly for Nazo, who still had not caught on to Seelkadoom’s plan and was now standing, confused at what was to happen next.
“I only have one chance at this, so hopefully it works ouuuttt…!” Seelkadoom said to himself, his voice raised to be heard over the screeching wind.
“Is he doing what I think he’s doing-Oh he is, goddamni-“
Nazo didn’t get to finish his remark before Seelkadoom, at the last possible moment, pulled out of his nosedive and allowed the Chaos Spears to smash right into Nazo, each one blowing up on contact and sending the tyrant flying into the air before falling flat on his face, burned everywhere.
Seelkadoom was about to boast about his genius in conjuring the plan, but it was stopped by Nazo getting up and slowly healing off of all the damage.
“Oh yes, I forgot. You seem to heal at a rather expedited pace…that is troublesome.”
“Yeah, needless to say, ya dun fudged up not killing me when you had the chance. And now, you’ll be ‘rewarded’ with relentless pain before I finish you off, as you beg for mercy!”
“Mmm…very well, then I suppose it is time I use one of my strongest attacks against you. I feel you have earned the privilege. Behold, my power!” Seelkadoom boasted, drawing in his arms and holding them to his sides to charge power.
“Oh, so we’re using ultimate moves, huh? Aight. But mine is just that slightest bit more ultimate. Mmmm…”
“CHAOOOOSS…”
“DAAARRKKK…”
As the power within them built up, energy from the air and the forest around them was sucked dry, leaving the landscape barren for the sake of powering up the two fighters. Even the event horizon around them began to twist and distort, as if time and space were bending to the will of a couple three foot hedgehogs.
It was around this time that Sonic and Shadow appeared over the horizon, and clutched in their hands was an enormous, leather bound black book. They carried it between them as they flew at incalculable speeds to reach the fight in time to use the spell, touching down next to NiGHTS and Knuckles before transforming back out of their Super Forms.
“NiGHTS, we got the book! What do we do now?” Sonic questioned.
“We wait.”
“WHAT?!” Knuckles yelled. “ARE YOU CRAZY!?”
“SHHHHH! You don’t want to disturb them, or else they might turn on us! Besides, I have my reason. The spell isn’t terribly strong, so we need to wait for them to be at their weakest point before we even try. It looks like they’re about to use their ultimate attacks. If we survive this, then they’ll be weak enough to attack them. I just need all of you to be prepared for when that time comes, understood?” NiGHTS explained.
“Yeah, IF we survive. This is crazy, I’m just gonna go punch ’em!”
Knuckles starting stomping away, his fists clenched in anger, when Sonic grabbed his shoulder. As Knuckles turned to face Sonic, he received a healthy slap right in the face, forcing Knuckles to reel back and rub his stinging cheek.
“Gimme a break! What’s up with all this drama!?” Sonic complained, scratching his head. “Hah…Look Knuckles, I understand how ya feel. I wanna clobber those two too. But if we charge in without a plan, we’ll get massacred. You saw how they beat us with little effort, what shot would you have?”
“As guardian of the Master Emerald it is my duty to-“
“To become a red stain on the ground? I don’t think so! Just hang back and let NiGHTS do his thing, aight?” Sonic finished, arms crossed.
When he got no response he tapped his foot and raised his eyebrow, as if waiting for something.
“Fine…” Knuckles hesitantly mumbled, but continued to badmouth the plan under his breath, which no one caught. “That’s the spirit, Knuckles!”
Shadow just stood back and watched with quiet amusement. “‘This is honestly funnier than any joke that blue buffoon has ever told.'”
While this was going on, Nazo and Seelkadoom were still charging their power, and the ripples in space-time were growing even larger and more out of control, so much so that it seemed they were on the verge of making a wormhole.
“Hey, uh, buddy?” Nazo remarked.
“Yes…?” Seelkadoom replied.
“I think we mighta charged too much!”
“NORMALLY I WOULD CALL YOU DAFT BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT!”
“SO SHOULD WE FIRE OUR ATTACKS NOW!?”
“NOT YET, WE NEED TO BUILD MORE DRAMATIC TENSION!”
“WHY ARE WE YELLING!”
“I HAVE NOT THE FAINTEST IDEA!”
“AH, SCREW IT I’M TAKING AIM!”
“ME TOO!”
It was at this point that both fighters released all their energy at once.
“BLAAAAAAAASSSSSSTTTTT!”
All the energy was released at once, but at first it imploded, creating a small blast that was more akin to a fireball. Then after a few seconds, it expanded all at once, creating an explosion that was powerful enough to not only obliterate the castle molecule by molecule, but also destroy the remainder of the forest, the lake nearby, the mountain in the distance, even the clouds were parted by this incredible force. Just in time, Shadow managed to erect a Chaos Barrier, supported by NiGHTS, allowing the energy to pass over them without significant damage, but it still took all of their power to keep the barrier from collapsing under the intense pressure.
The power seemed to radiate for an eternity, and yet it vanished in a few short moments. The scars would never truly heal, but the plan seemed to be working. For as the smoke cleared, Nazo and Seelkadoom were there, lying on the ground, drained of energy and breathing heavily. It seemed like they were on the verge of death.
“ALRIGHT, NOW!” NiGHTS yelled, as he and the others charged in, ready to recite the spell.
Nazo and Seelkadoom didn’t notice, too busy trying to rise to their feet as Sonic and company opened the book and started skimming through it.
“C’mon, c’mon, where the hell is that sealing spell!?” Shadow urged.
“I don’t know, look at the table of contents!” NiGHTS offered.
“It’s written in some weird ancient language I can’t understand!”
“I can! It says the S section starts on page 574! Turn there, turn there!” NiGHTS ordered, as Sonic and Shadow flipped the book’s massive pages.
“Okay, let’s see…Sek-Duat…Sectumsempra…Shoo-Lin’s Swords of Silence…Sarathos…There’s no sealing spell, where is it!?” NiGHTS frantically wondered aloud. “Wait…now I remember! The sealing spell goes by a different name, after we defeated Gragmire. It’s called the Grand Gragmire Geralt Spell. Turn to page 324!”
They turned the pages once again, skimming their fingers down the numerous print columns, until finally…
“THERE! I see it! Oh, and it’s really complex too. Goody.” Sonic muttered.
“We’ll only get one shot at this. Any more time and they’ll be too powerful to seal. You better be a damn good caster, NiGHTS!” Shadow roared.
“The best. Alright, here we go…Ahem.”
As NiGHTS began chanting, he moved his arms with the rhythm of his voice, as mellifluous as the timbre of the songbirds.
As NiGHTS finished his chant, ghostly wisps of energy leapt from his fingertips, gradually growing longer and shining a golden color. The wisps encircled Nazo and Seelkadoom, entrapping them in a magic circle, used for dimensional transport.
“Wh-what’s going on?” Nazo asked, still groggy from the fight.
“Fool, they’ve trapped us in a magic circle! If you think you’re strong enough to seal me, think again! Even while weakened, I am still FAR more powerful than you could ever dream of being!” Seelkadoom ranted.
“Who said we were trying to seal you? We’re just pawning you off on some other dimension. And now, BEGONE!” Shadow yelled, his voice echoing up to the heavens as thunder struck behind him, glowing blood red with Chaos Energy. Waving his arms, Shadow along with Sonic and NiGHTS began closing the magic circle in on Nazo and Seelkadoom. Try as they might, the two could not break free from the shackles.
“Hmmhmmhmm…Nice try, ya blowhards! We may not be able ta get outta here…but we can choose where we’s endin’ up! Your planet is not safe from Nazo…NOTHING IS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Nazo laughed, his mouth disappearing along with the rest of him as he and Seelkadoom disappeared into the aether.
“Huh…what do you think he meant by that?” Knuckles wondered, scratching his head.
“I’m not sure…but I got a really bad feeling.” Sonic answered.
The group stood in silence for a moment, pondering the meaning of Nazo’s last words, when all of a sudden Sonic’s S-Phone started ringing.
“ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND, GOT PLACES TO GO, GOTTA FOLLOW MY RAINBOW, JUST KEEP IT DOWN, GOTTA KEEP MOVING ON, JUST WHAT LIES AHEAD, ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT-!”
“Ehehehe, sorry guys. Probably should set that on vibrate.” Sonic said sheepishly, pulling out his phone.
“‘Hmph. I can’t believe the cocky bastard put his theme song as a ringtone. How arrogant can you get? Although…it’s not a half bad idea. People will be living and learning when I stroll down the street alright. Just gotta download it…'” Shadow thought to himself, smirking.
“Hello?” Sonic asked.
“Oooh…Sonikku!!!!”
“Rrgh…hello…Amy.”
“Hiiii, SONIC!!! How are you doing!?” Amy squealed.
“Fine, fine, just perfect, thanks for asking!” Sonic said through gritted teeth. “‘At least, I was before you called.'” He thought to himself.
“Oh, Sonic, I know you just LOVE my little pet calls, but this time I don’t have time to chat with my Sonikku! There’s a couple of these scary hedgehogs destroying Station Square, and they just destroyed Cream’s gym! We need your help, onii-chan!!” Amy explained, high-pitched as usual.
“Hedgehogs…wait! So that’s what Nazo meant about changing their destination! He must have influenced the spell to spit him out back on Earth! We gotta get back and stop him before it’s too late!” Shadow exclaimed.
“Oh, hey Shadow. I’m so glad you’re there keeping my Sonic safe! I can see why that bitch Rouge cares about you.”
“Yeah…HEY!”
“Well, I guess I’ll just try to get everyone to safe-Hey, who’s that behind Knuckles?”
“Huh?” Sonic asked, turning to NiGHTS. “Oh, yeah, I forgot! Amy, this is NiGHTS, my-“
“GIRLFRIEND!!??”
“Yes, my girl-wait, what?”
“Oh, I see how it is, Sonic Maurice Hedgehog! You’re gone for a couple days and you find a new girlfriend! I thought we had a connection, I thought we were an item!? I SWEAR TO CHAOS I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU PAY, I WILL DESTROY YOU AND THEN FORCE YOU TO DATE ME, AM I CLEAR!!!??”
“Mmmhmm…excuse me, Miss…Rose, was it? I must inform you that I am not, in fact, a woman. I have no sexual attraction to your…mate, in any way, shape or-” NiGHTS attempted to say, only to be cut off.
“OH, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH! NO ONE ASKED YOU! SO, WHAT, MY DARLING SONIC ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU’RE JUST GONNA TOSS HIM ASIDE LIKE SOME SORT OF PLAYTHING! THAT SETTLES IT, ONCE I’M DONE WITH SONIC I’M GOING TO KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!??”
“UGH, WELL I NEVER-YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE SONIC FOR MY OWN NOW SO NYEH TO YOU TOO, MADAM!” NiGHTS retorted, clearly upset as he…caressed Sonic’s arm?(Creepy.)
“Uh…okay, then.” Sonic replied cautiously, loosely shaking NiGHTS off and giving the jester a strange look, before reassuring Amy that he was still only for her(“until we get back to my house!” Sonic replied afterwards), and Amy seemed to calm down just a hair. She wasn’t screaming in Sonic’s ear at least, and promised to help evacuate the city.
“Okay, then. Good luck, Amy.” Sonic finished, hanging up. He turned to his comrades and asked one question:
“How in Mobotropolis are we gonna get outta here?”
The team sat there, pondering for quite a while, until NiGHTS got an idea. “The sealing spell! If it was able to send them back to your home, perhaps it can send you there as well!”
“Sounds crazy! But…we don’t have a choice. If Nazo is back home, the first thing he’ll go for is the Master Emerald to power up again. We can’t let that happen, we just barely defeated him the first time! So, come on, let’s go, and hurry it up!” Knuckles urged, pounding his fists together and scuffing the ground, agitated.
“Alright, alright. Just stand together in a circle.”
“This isn’t one of those things where we gotta hold hands, right? Cuz I ain’t touching Faker with a ten foot pole.” Shadow retorted.
“Just stand next to us, Shads, it’s pretty simple.” Sonic countered, with Shadow begrudgingly complying.
“Here goes everything…Owa, tagu, saiyam. Kakin, Rajat, Balum. Hakin, Rakin, Bakin. Kemo, Alouette, Sharinga. Bazinga, Kazinga, Labinga. Waringa, Aroo, Gleeok. Mobius, Twilight, Herbegitan. Saka Shiki KAZANGAAAAA!” NiGHTS chanted once again, summoning the same golden tendrils to wrap around Sonic and his gang.
“Thanks for everything NiGHTS. It’s been real. Good luck repairing your kingdom!” Sonic shouted, waving goodbye.
“Thank you my friends! You have made this all possible. Godspeed to you, and goodbye!” NiGHTS yelled back, as Shadow, Sonic, and Knuckles disappeared back to their world.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, a few hours earlier…
The waters were calm and peaceful around Angel Island. Well, around being a bit of a misnomer, considering the island flew hundreds of feet in the air, suspended by the power of its guarded jewel, the Master Emerald, a shimmering green relic of 4,000 years, designed to empower and drain the energy of its seven offshoots, the Chaos Emeralds, at will. Guarded by the Knuckles Clan for centuries, the gemstone somehow managed to always be either shattered, stolen, or interfered with at every turn, forcing countless adventures brought about by the desire to retrieve it. And today was no different.
Out of the sky, a glowing portal materialized, and it spat out two hedgehogs, still weary from their fight earlier as they spiraled down towards the water. It seemed like they were about to crash and splatter their innards all over the calm waves, but at the last moment, Nazo and Seelkadoom opened the corners of their eyes, saw their fate, and then opened them as wide as possible in shock. Shifting their legs underneath them, they strained as hard as they could against the force of gravity, eventually managing to slow and then stop their descent, hovering just above the waves as the winds whipped up a miniature cyclone around their toes.
“Hmmm…this place. It’s rather unfamiliar to me. And yet…it feels like I’ve been here anyway…” Seelkadoom mused, gazing around. Then he looked up.
“Oh my god, what is that thing up there and what is it doing there, I need answers now!”
“Relax, would you!? It’s just Angel Island, home of that red blowhard we saw earlier, and his treasured Emerald. It’s power is unmatched by any other I’ve seen…besides mine.” Nazo exposited.
“Really?” As Nazo nodded, Seelkadoom got a malefic grin. “Interesting…you won’t mind if I borrow it, do you?”
“No, not at-Hey, wait, that power is MINE!” Nazo countered.
“Well, then I suppose you’ll just have to beat me to it then. Toodle-loo!” Seelkadoom playfully said, flying high into the air to reach Angel Island.
“Oh, no ya don’t!” Nazo replied, frustrated, as he followed behind as closely as possible, firing numerous Chaos Spears at the rising Seelkadoom, who took notice and meticulously dodged around all of them without so much as a scratch on him, casually waving behind him as if to indicate that Nazo had failed…
…only to be surprised as Nazo appeared above him in a second!
“What, are you surprised? You knew I could teleport, right?”
“I did. I just wished to know when you would use it, so I could partake in it as well. Never let it be said that I am a not a man of chivalry and honor…for the last few seconds of your life.”
And with that, Seelkadoom teleported as well, and the two began a frenetic race to get to the top via teleporting, occasionally blasting energy shots at each other in an attempt to slow the other down, until at last both reached the top at the same time. They stopped to catch their breath, and then launched into the air to fly towards the center of the island, where the Master Emerald stood waiting, ready to bestow power onto one of them.
“Give it up, Nazo, the unlimited power of the Master Jewel shall belong to the only one worthy, the almighty SEELKADOOM!”
“THAT’S STILL A STUPID NAME YA KNOW!”
“HEY POT, THIS IS SEELKADOOM, I JUST CALLED TO NAZO HE’S BLACK!”
“ARE YOU COLORBLIND OR JUST RACIST!”
“I HAVE NO IDEA!!!”
They kept ranting like this all the way to the shrine, Seelkadoom pulling just the slightest bit ahead.
“AHA! Victory…is…MINE! Prepare yourself, Mobius or Earth or whatever it is. You are about to meet your new overlord, Seelkad-OW!”
For in the middle of his tirade, Nazo had cheapshot Seelkadoom in the back with an energy blast, forcing the black and blue bruiser to crash land on the steps of the shrine, just inches away from his prize.
“N-no…must…get…to…EMERALD!” Seelkadoom panted, taking pained steps up towards his goal…only to be stopped dead in his tracks as Nazo managed to touch it just before he could lay his fingers on, allowing Nazo to jump on the Emerald and disappear into a column of light, which slowly turned crimson as it ascended into the sky, mixing with the clouds to turn them black as sin, making the entire sky look like a hellish storm.
“NOOOOOO!!” Seelkadoom screamed, banging his fist on the ground and rolling in the grass like a petulant child stripped of his candy, as he watched the power that should have been his get stolen by another power-hungry leech.
And then, it was over. The scarlet pillar vanished, the clouds dissipated, and everything seemed normal. And yet standing where Nazo once stood was something entirely different. It was the same hedgehog, but now his body had turned the darkest shade of brick, his sclerae had gone pure yellow, and his eyes…they gleamed with a green that was more like pond scum in terms of its appeal. And yet it was more than a simple color change and a shimmering new facade. Perfect Nazo was now more powerful than ever.
“HA! You see, Seelkadoom…you never had any chance against me! All this time, all this struggle, it’s been against my base, weakest form. Now that I have ascended to a higher level, what chance do you have? Wait, wait…allow me to answer. NONE. Simply put, my archrival…I am simply superior to you in every way. Not just the ultimate, not just the amazing, not just the insurmountable…I am PERFECT.” Nazo bragged, making exaggerated gestures.
“Hmph. Perfection is not attainable by any ordinary street rag who happens to grab some nearby power. It is a birthright, granted to those who are truly deserving since the dawn of their lives to lead the world. And as such, destiny will choose me, Seelkadoom, as the herald of a new age of devastation and darkness on a new world, while you are left behind, lost to the sands of time. Now, prepare yourself, Nazo, for I AM HERE!” Seelkadoom ranted back.
The two shifted into their fighting poses, ready to finish this battle once and for all.
Elsewhere, Sonic and friends finally got sent out of the dimensional rift and landed in Mobius. Shaking their heads, the trio clumsily staggered about, trying to regain their balance before they felt their feet touch solid ground. Thankfully, NiGHTS had taken the time to make sure they were placed on Angel Island directly.
“Well, we’re here. Now we just gotta find-“
At that moment, an red-orange pillar shot into the sky, illuminating everything and glowing even brighter than the sun.
“Yeah, I’m guessing that’s them.” Knuckles finished, as he and the two hedgehogs raced towards the source of the light. When they finally arrived, they saw Nazo, surrounded by the light and atop the Master Emerald, with Seelkadoom sprawled on the grass, screaming and kicking at the loss of his newfound power.
“No, GODDAMNIT! We’re too late! Nazo already has the power of the Master Emerald, and his Perfect form! There’s no way we can beat him now, even if we had the Chaos Emeralds!” Shadow bellowed.
“I hate to say this…but it looks like we’re gonna have to put all our faith in…Seelkadoom. If he can’t win, we’re all dead.” Sonic sighed.
“I don’t like this…” Shadow muttered.
“Me neither, Shadman, but it’s the only shot we have. Just keep quiet and maybe they won’t notice us…” Sonic finished, as he and Shadow and Knuckles hid in the trees.
At this point, Seelkadoom had finished ranting and was on his feet, a scowl etched onto his features and his fist raised in anger, as Nazo stepped away from the Master Emerald and floated towards Seelkadoom.
“So, how do you like these stones, eh? I know red is kind of a garish color, but hey, what can ya do with fan animation in 2007?”
“…I’m sorry, but something as hideous as you cannot be allowed to exist in my, PERFECT, world. I’m afraid you must be obliterated, but be aware that what I’m about to show you is a very rare occurrence indeed. BEHOLD, THE FULL POWER OF THE SEVEN CHAOS EMER-!”
Before Seelkadoom could display his power, he heard a cracking sound. And then another one. He looked up and tried to find the source, and was horrified to discover that the Emeralds he had worked so hard to steal were now cracking, straining to hold themselves together under the immense pressure given off by a powerful individual.
“Wh-what is this? How are you doing that!? ANSWER ME!” Seelkadoom ranted.
“I didn’t just gain power from the Master Emerald, I gained the POWERS of the Master Emerald. Including it’s ability to dissipate the energies of your pathetic ‘Chaos Emeralds.’ Meaning your power is USELESS against ME!” Nazo smugly remarked, laughing afterwards, the cold, cruel sound filling the silence that existed not moments before.
“And now…goodbye.”
With that, the Emeralds were shattered, their discarded pieces littering the ground around Seelkadoom. Shaking, he picked up the pieces of the fourth Emerald and held them in his hand, feeling none of the warmth and positive emotional power he had experienced just moments earlier. Seelkadoom closed his eyes, inwardly bawling due to his last shot at victory seemingly vanishing forever…and yet within the Emeralds he sensed another force. Not of light, and purity…but darkness, destruction…CHAOS. “‘I could use a little chaos right now…'” Seelkadoom pondered, as he fingered the Emerald shards. He then turned to Nazo with a furious gaze and fire burning in his pupils.
“You piece of trash…I swear to you, I will end your life in the most painful, soul-wrenching, evil way I can imagine. And it starts right now!”
Seelkadoom’s body began infusing itself with energy, a dark energy, one that Sonic had not felt for a few years. It sent a chill down his spine, as he questioned whether it was truly what he thought it was.
“Kn-Knuckles?”
“Yeah, I sense it too. Chaos.”
“What are you idiots mouthing on about?” Shadow impatiently questioned.
“Before we met you, we fought this big water guy, powered by the negative energies of the Emeralds. Name was Chaos. And now…I’m feeling that same power from Seelkadoom. He must be attempting to harness Chaos’s energies to take on Nazo!” Sonic realized with horror.
“Well, you beat him before, right? We can do it again.”
“It’s not that easy. To do that I had to use the positive energy of the Emeralds. And…” Sonic gestured to the now broken Emeralds.
“Ah…well, you geniuses have any ideas?”
“Genius…that’s it! Tails must have a solution! C’mon, we gotta go find him fast!” Sonic urged, turning his legs into a classic figure eight and running as fast as he could away from the battle.
“Hmph. Alright Sonic, you wanna race there, be my guest. But don’t expect to win.” Shadow retorted, skating away into the trees.
“I…guess I’ll just wait here.” Knuckles said, turning his eyes back to the battle, a look of fear noticeable in them.
“RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!” Seelkadoom roared into the skies, as a black pillar encased him in its clutches, slowly beginning to warp his body, and his mind. His spines grew longer, his shoes now turned a mixture of grey and off-white, and his eyes…they glowed now the deepest shade of royal purple, the mark of Seelkadoom’s self-entitled status as a god among the commoners.
Nazo was initially shocked, but then his eyes narrowed, and he smiled. “So, this is your ultimate form, isn’t it? Impressive. I always figured you were hiding something as well. Very good, very good indeed. Now I can test out the powers of Perfect Nazo against…”
“Nega-Seelkadoom.”
“Well then, Nega-Seelkadoom…prepare yourself. A god is nothing if not omnipotent, and I will prove my status by defeating you today. And when it is concluded, I’ll keep your head as a prize, parading it around the blood-soaked streets of this city as a reminder of what happens to those who cross me.”
“Then stop chittering and FIGHT!”
Nega-Seelkadoom stared Perfect Nazo down, anger burning in the two-tone lab experiment’s eyes. “‘How dare he…he dares to encroach upon me!? ME, the superior being!? Impudent wretch…I will simply eliminate him, the same way I will eliminate the rest of these fools who defy me!'”
“Perfect Nazo! Prepare to be wiped out by the power of absolute darkness!” Seelkadoom threatened.
Far from being intimidated, Perfect Nazo simply smirked. “Hmph. Big promises, but all talk. You can’t defeat me and you know it, so you’re grandstanding in the hopes I might take pity on you and leave! I have news, though. You’re going to die, die before all of these wretches, and I’ll make sure it’s a slow, painful death. You don’t get to leave this world with a smile.”
With all of their words laid on the battlefield, the final clash commenced.
Nazo began by lazily extending his fist outward in a punch. However, even this small amount of effort resulted in wind pressures strong enough to force Seelkadoom and everyone else back an incredible distance, as well as obliterate all the trees on the island.
“Goddammit! You’re gonna pay for that Nazoooooo!” Knuckles roared as he disappeared over the cliffside, out of sight.
“I doubt it. But don’t worry, I’ll obliterate the rest of this pathetic floating rock once I’m done.” Nazo remarked, taking a moment to lounge on top of the Master Emerald.
However, he underestimated how fast Seelkadoom could recover, and was unable to stop the hedgehog from returning to the shrine and delivering a powerful haymaker straight to Nazo’s jaw, which sent the crimson hedgehog flying away at high speeds, Seelkadoom following it up with a series of quick jabs to Nazo’s midsection before finally unleashing a mighty axe kick strong enough to send Nazo into the ocean with an enormous splash.
Unsure of whether or not the job was completed, Seelkadoom flew downward until his feet were touching the water’s surface. He glanced around, trying to spot where Nazo could have resurfaced, leaving himself wide open to the true danger.
In the span of milliseconds, a hand reached out of the water and grabbed onto Seelkadoom’s leg at blinding speed. The villainous hedgehog didn’t even have time to attempt an escape before he was forcefully dragged under.
The water was dark and cold, so much so that it felt like Seelkadoom’s grave. A bit nervous, he glanced around and attempted to find Nazo and eliminate him, but the water was so dark that he couldn’t see two inches in front of his face.
Even if he could see, however, it would do him little good. For the threat approaching was not around Seelkadoom, but underneath.
“CHAOS…”
Seelkadoom did hear the faint sound, but it sounded so muffled he didn’t understand his fate until it was far too late. He continued glancing around, unaware that his quarry was a few feet below him, ready to strike.
“FLARE!!”
From Nazo’s hands came an enormous ball of chaotic energy, which slammed right into Seelkadoom’s exposed chest and sent the hedgehog flying after the explosion, an explosion that dwarfed Angel Island in size and caused the seas around Nazo to erupt into a ball of steam, casting a pillar of smoke into the sky.
Seelkadoom slammed into Angel Island’s underbelly, but he carried so much force that his body drilled through the island and popped back out on the other side, his once pristine fur now caked with dust and dried blood. His eyes struggled to open, but when the crisp air hit him directly in the face, he was startled awake and managed to slow his ascent until he was levitating a hundred feet over the island, still rather groggy from the assault.
He couldn’t see Nazo, but he could sense his powerful life force coming from behind the clouds. And so he waited…waited…
“Prepare to die, worm!” Nazo roared as he prepared to finish off Seelkadoom with a powerful punch…
“‘Now!'”
Seelkadoom instinctively dodged out of the way at the last moment, Nazo’s momentum carrying him so that he was unable to stop before he hit Seelkadoom’s carefully placed Chaos energy ball. Upon touching it, Nazo received a powerful electric shock, coursing through his body and paralyzing him. Before he could shake it off, he was knocked into another energy ball and received the same effect. And so it happened again and again, Nazo hitting the energy balls Seelkadoom created every few seconds and being unable to stop himself before he hit the next one due to being caged in.
Eventually, though, a combination of Seelkadoom’s waning power and general boredom caused him to stop creating energy balls after Nazo hit one directly above him, freeing him from the energy cage and sending the blood-crazed maniac careening into the Master Emerald shrine at terminal velocity, creating a dust storm that ripped any surviving vegetation out of the ground.
Clapping at his own handiwork, Seelkadoom gently floated down and landed on the stone. Casually, he waltzed up to Nazo, who was weakly trying to get back on his feet, when suddenly Seelkadoom slammed his foot down hard on Nazo’s chest, pinning the fuzzy anthro to the ground.
“And…and so…the glorious reign of Nazo the Hedgehog comes to a pitiful climax. But…don’t worry, I will…carry on your legacy…make it better than what you could accomplish. But I cannot do that…while you live.” Seelkadoom whispered, generating one more ball of Chaos energy in his hands.
“Any…final words?”
“You…seem to be hurt too. A lot.”
“Yes…you are strong, I will grant you that. But it seems you have not escaped unscathed either.”
“True, true…and normally this would be even. But…this is not the limit of my power.”
Seelkadoom’s eyes widened, but only for a moment. “You’re bluffing”
“No…All this time, I’ve just been toying with you. Offering you the faintest possibility of scraping the win into your grimy hands…but it’s time that this facade ended. It’s time I reveal my true strength!” Nazo raored, as a blinding flash of light erupted from him and into the sky, creating a rose-colored world, bathed in the blood and dark twilight of Nazo’s ascendance.
“Wh-what is this?!” Seelkadoom ordered.
“You claim to be perfect. And you know, maybe ya are. But even if you have reached perfection…I have surpassed it.“
“What?”
“Maybe it’s better if you see for yourself!” Nazo shouted, as the light exploded all around him, forcing Seelkadoom to cover his eyes in order to prevent himself from going blind. But as soon as it had begun…
…it was ended. And in its place was Nazo. He still glowed red, but now it alternated between different shades of red and light pink, and even Nazo’s aura glowed multiple different colors.
Hyper Perfect Nazo. Three words that inspired terror in even the most fearless of fighters. Even Seelkadoom was getting chills upon realizing the sheer power Nazo had just unlocked.
“So…shall we continue?” Nazo pondered.
Seelkadoom was about to retort when he suddenly felt a powerful punch directly in his gut. He could feel his body straining, trying to keep itself from being ripped clean through by the blow. Satisfied with the damage dealt, Nazo backhanded Seelkadoom into a stone pillar, knocking it over and leaving a rather nasty bruise in Seelkadoom’s quills.
Seelkadoom attempted to get up, but yet again he was too slow to stop the roundhouse kick that slammed into his side, sending him careening into the Master Emerald and shattering it into pieces once more. From atop the shrine, Seelkadoom tried to stand, but found that his legs were unresponsive. He began coughing up copious amounts of blood, staining the once pure-white cobblestone with red.
“‘My god…he’s actually going to kill me! I must end this at once!'” Seelkadoom thought, before he began flying into the sky, hoping his location was still a mystery to Nazo…
Only to find the red hedgehog right above him.
“Oh, son of a Chao-“
Nazo began laying a furious beatdown onto Seelkadoom’s already battered body, his punches hitting with the force of millions of nuclear bombs and his laser blasts threatening to cleave Seelkadoom in two. Every time Seelkadoom attempted to inch away, Nazo grabbed the hedgehog’s legs and threw him back into the island to continue the assault.
However, while Nazo was preoccupied with the task of breaking Seelkadoom’s legs, the black-and-blue conqueror was able to reel his arm back and punch Nazo squarely in the jaw, breaking the hedgehog’s teeth and forcing Nazo to throw Seelkadoom high into the air, higher than even the clouds. Nazo, realizing his mistake, rubbed his fractured jawline and stared upwards, wondering what Seelkadoom could possibly be planning in such a weakened state.
Unfortunately, he would soon find out, for high above Seelkadoom was doing something he never thought he would stoop low enough to do: pray to Chaos.
“Mighty god…grant me the strength I need to defeat this arrogant warrior once and for all!” Seelkadoom pleaded. And from within him, the Chaos Emeralds finally responded, poring all of their energy together and sending it through Seelkadoom’s bloodstream. And at that critical juncture, he finally felt the power that he had been missing all along.
Holding his arms up to the sky, Seelkadoom prepared to fire one last blast, strong enough to destroy Seelkadoom, and possibly wipe out all life in the process.
“Ah well…c’est la vie.”
A purple ball of energy formed in Seelkadoom’s hands, gradually growing bigger and more destructive as Seelkadoom poured more Chaos Energy into it, until it was the size of a small moon.
All over the world, people saw the darkness in the sky, reminded of the terrible darkness that had come about as a result of Dark Gaia. All they could do was grasp each other tightly and pray for the end to be swift.
Nazo, still pacing around in the sky, finally noticed the purple glow as well, dwarfing even his own fiery aura.
“So…looks like this dumbass is preparing his final attack. Fine, then…if it’s a clash he wants…it’s a clash he’ll GET!” Nazo pridefully shouted, as his two hands joined together and began charging a similar destructive ball, only colored red and orange and pulsating like a giant heartbeat.
The twin balls of destruction soon became the same size, the colors mixing together to create a beautiful, malefic rainbow effect that covered the world in an inglorious light. In the skies above, lightning storms raged on, fueled by the power of the two fearsome furries.
With one final gasp for breath, Seelkadoom tossed the enormous ball of darkness down at the planet, yelling “SAYONARA!”
Nazo compressed his ball into a confined orb between his hands, before he fired it out as a massive laser, yelling “FINAL CHAOS BLASTER!”
The two attacks collided in midair, and shockwaves spread out across the world, destroying its vegetation, parting the seas, and decimating the mountains. And yet none of it mattered but who ended up victorious. Neither side seemed to give in. Every time Seelkadoom pushed hard, Nazo pushed back equally. Every time Nazo had the upper hand, Seelkadoom tapped into more reserves of strength and evened it out.
It seemed like they would destroy each other. But then…
“Give in, Nazo! My power is INFINITE!” Seelkadoom yelled.
“YOUR POWER!?” Nazo yelled in disbelief. “THOSE EMERALDS WERE NEVER YOURS! THEY WERE ALWAYS…MINE! AND NOW…I WILL TAKE THEM BACK!”
At that moment, the Chaos Emeralds suddenly forced themselves out of Seelkadoom’s body, and surged towards Nazo, surrounding him and infusing the tyrant with their essence.
“WHAT!? WHAT!?! IMPOSSIBLE!” Seelkadoom screeched in disbelief, as his energy ball began growing smaller and more pathetic, while Nazo’s laser grew large enough that it made the the moon look puny.
“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRIFLE WITH A GOD! NOW DIE!”
Those were the final words Seelkadoom heard before Nazo’s enormous beam slammed directly into Seelkadoom’s body, and this time it was simply too much to endure. Bit by bit, Seelkadoom’s body turned into ash, until at last only his head was still visible.
“Such…power…”
And just like that, it was over. And standing in the ashes of Angel Island was one hedgehog, one who would destroy all who stood in his way.
“FEAR THE WRATH OF NAZO!”
: Hmm…well I guess that’s why Sonic RPG was cancelled. Ya know, unless they bring it back outta nowhere.
: Hey, it happened with Final Fantasy Sonic X.
: Wait, really? Fuck, I loved that shit!
: Yeah it’s a good time to be a…well, not a Sonic fan, but a Sonic fangame fan I suppose. But let’s get down to the brass tacks of why Nazo did end up winning this.
: For starters, looking at their Base forms it’s incredibly clear-cut. Base Seelkadoom should probably be comparable to Base Sonic and Shadow. Unfortunately, Sonic RPG doesn’t actually take place anywhere specifically in canon, but since Shadow does appear it likely is after SA2 but probably before games like Sonic Generations. With that said, it’s likely fair to say Seelkadoom is somewhere from City to Planet Level in Base. Which is fairly impressive.
: Nazo…fought Super Sonic. Which pretty much automatically puts him above Seelkadoom in Base since he didn’t have to fight Sonic with a Super Form. Granted, when Super Shadow entered the picture Nazo was defeated, but he did manage to harm and keep up with Super Sonic.
: But this really doesn’t matter honestly. Because most of the time this fight isn’t about Base forms, it’s about their Super Modes. And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter at all how powerful Super Sonic is because Nazo is just factually superior to Seelkadoom as of right now.
: In the final battle of Sonic RPG, Seelkadoom was stomping Super Shadow and Super Sonic, along with Base Knuckles and NiGHTS (Sonic RPG NiGHTS, not regular NiGHTS). And in the end of the episode, it’s revealed to be likely that Hyper Sonic and Hyper Sonic alone would have been the one to take down Seelkadoom.
: Compare that to Hyper Perfect Nazo, which required the power of HYPER Sonic, Shadow, Knuckles, and Super Tails to defeat. And even then, Nazo wasn’t actually killed until Sonic delivered the final blow.
: One guy can fight a Hyper form, the other can fight 3 plus a Super form. Yeah, it’s pretty clear Nazo has a sizable advantage in stats, and that’s honestly enough right there. Sure, you could argue that Seelkadoom is more intelligent and Osmose’s magic draining properties could be enough to win, but considering Seelkadoom honestly would get one-shot and blitzed by Nazo before he could do anything, it definitely feels more comfortable siding with Nazo for the assured victory over Seelkadoom’s “possibilities”.
: In the end, Seelkadoom did try his best, but his fate was Seeled as soon as he met Nazo.
: The winner is Nazo, the Perfect Lifeform.
Seelkadoom(Loser): +More Intelligent. +Osmose could be helpful for absorbing Seelkadoom’s power. +More Experience. —Outclassed in all stats, base form or otherwise, to the point that he would get one-shot before he could do anything. -More likely to toy with his opponents, which would lead to Nazo getting the upper hand. -His game is on permanent hiatus.
Nazo(Winner): +++Easily outclasses Seelkadoom in all stats +More likely to go in for the kill against Seelkadoom than the other way around +His series is coming back -Less Intelligence -Osmose could be detrimental if Seelkadoom got it off -Likely less experienced.
: You ever just…stare into the ceaseless rolling hills of green, eyes half closed, and imagine that your life is merely one cog in an enormous mechanism, destined to be exchanged with another, more useful gear when your time has come? Do you fear death, of any kind?
: Considering I’ve died like, twice, not particularly.
: When I thought I was gonna die, I had no fear. I had done my mission for Maria. My purpose was complete.
: True. I don’t know, gotta think about this after the episode. But hey, we got two kids who are ready to fight to the death. You know, for kids!
: Agoogoowa. (First there’s me! Jack-Jack, adorable, non allergenic, and housebroken!)
: Me Super Diaper Baby, helper of small people using diapers!
: With the crack team of JJ, Bowser, Shadow, and some babies, it’s time to see who’d win in a brawl!
“Dispatch Unit, I’ve got a Code 2319 downtown, it’s a fire. I repeat, there’s a fire in Apartment Complex C near Metroville Park, get down there as soon as possible, over!” The voice came from the police scanner inside of a seemingly unassuming vehicle, with a lean yet muscular man at the wheel.
“Fire, huh? Better get down there.” the man spoke, as he flipped a switch on his dashboard, setting his car to autopilot as his seat reclined all the way back until it was completely flat. All around the man’s body, scanners and sensors were rapidly swapping his clothes for new garments, ones covered in a striking red color, emblazoned with the iconic lowercase i in a black void. On his face, he donned a black eye mask, a symbol of his identity as a Super. And as he returned to his original placement, hands at the ready to receive a pair of thick, black gloves, Mr. Incredible was revealed. All the while, his car had transformed from an ordinary black station wagon to a sleek, stylish, black and blue car, the Incredibile.
And so Mr. Incredible was off, weaving through traffic with a deft touch and finesse, but before he could get too far his onboard radio rang once again, the Super rushing to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me, how’s your day of legal Super-ing going?” Mrs. Incredible asked
“Uh, fine, honey, just going to stop a fire!”
“Oh, that’s great! You think you could come home soon though? I really need help taking care of the kids.”
“Sure, sweetie. I’ll be home in about 4 hours or so. Hold down the fort ’til then, OK?”
“Alright. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
(stop music)
As Helen Parr hung up, she heard the distinctive sound of the bus horn from outside. “Alright, kids, time for school! Dash, you better hurry or you’re gonna be late!”
“Alright, mom, I got it!” Dash whined, as he put his backpack on and raced out the door.
“Come on, Violet, I know you’re there, I can’t drive you to school today!”
From under the table, a disembodied shirt came out and floated higher into the air, before the illusion vanished and a girl appeared, encompassed by the shirt. “OK, Mom. I’m gonna be with Tony this afternoon, okay?” Violet assured, as she started to follow Dash out the door.
“Alright, but you’ll call me right?”
“Yes.”
“And be home by 10:30?”
“MOM!”
“Kidding! Just have fun, OK?” Helen said, kissing her daughter on the forehead and sending her off, before turning to face the youngest of the family.
“Alright, Jack-Jack. It’s time to go for a walk, c’mon!” She crooned as she lifted the squealing child above her head and played a little upsie-daisy before placing him in the stroller, rolling it out the door.
As the two made their way to the park, an alarm sounded as they passed the jewelry store, with a common thief exiting the crime scene and attempting to run. Before he could get far, Jack-Jack used his powerful telekinesis to lift him into the air and then throw him into the arms of the arriving police officers, the robber sighing in disappointment.
“That’s my baby! Who’s a good little crime fighter! You are! Yes, you are!” Helen exclaimed, pinching Jack-Jack’s cheeks as he cried out in delight, the two continuing on their way.
Unnamed City, Hoskins Residence
“Billy? Billy, can you come down here please!?” Mary Hoskins called up the stairs, catching the attention of a baby and his dog.
“Coming, mama!” the baby responded, putting down his toy and levitating before zooming down the stairs in a fraction of a second before stopping on a dime, the wind force nearly blowing the mother over.
“Yes?” Billy Hoskins questioned.
“I’m going to make us a big dinner tonight, but I don’t have all the things I need. So, can you go into town and buy everything on this list? And here’s some money to do that.” she explained, handing the items to Billy. Normally, entrusting a baby with shopping was extremely foolhardy, but Super Diaper Baby was no normal infant.
“Okay, mama! C’mon doggy!” Super Diaper Baby told his partner, Diaper Dog, who nodded, before the two proceeded to fly away at lightning speeds, Mary waving to her child and pet as they left.
“So, what’s on the list, buddy?” Diaper Dog wondered, as Billy looked carefully.
“Stuff in place called Metroville. Not far.”
“Alright then, let’s go!” Diaper Dog said with confidence, as they turned into sparks on the horizon.
(start music)
Back in Metroville, Helen and Jack-Jack had finally made it to the park, where they had left the stroller next to a nearby bench and were now at a playground, partaking in the swings. Jack-Jack begged to be pushed higher, and higher he went, Mrs. Incredible straining to lift him farther each time while making sure he was OK. Not that he needed it.
“You know, sweetie…this is nice. After the whole Screenslaver fiasco, just getting to be a mom again…this is great. I wish we could just take this moment, and live in it forever.”
Suddenly, an alarm sounded nearby as a duo of police cars, as well as the Incredibile, raced by in their efforts to stop the rampaging fire a few blocks away.
“And then reality kicks me in the shin…I’m sorry, Jack-Jack, mommy’s gotta go for a little bit. You’ll be safe here.” Mrs. Incredible assured, placing Jack-Jack on the bench and giving him a little toy soldier to play with. Kissing him on the forehead, she raced off to help her husband stop the fire, leaving Jack-Jack alone and content.
High in the skies above, Super Diaper Baby and Diaper Dog had arrived in Metroville, and touched down in the park.
“Okay, so we got most of the items on the list, but we still have one more…a toy soldier?” Diaper Dog questioned, confused.
“Says that Dada want it to be happy and re-solve childhood.” Billy read aloud.
“Well, okay, but where are we gonna find-“
“SOLDIER!” Billy screamed, looking at the toy in Jack-Jack’s hands. Barreling over at inhuman speeds, he stood in front of Jack-Jack and grasped the soldier. “Gimme.”
“Awanono!” Jack-Jack refused, pulling back.
“GIMME!”
“NO!”
The tug of war continued for some time, until finally Super Diaper Baby had a much more permanent solution. Rearing his tiny fist back, he let it fly with such tremendous force that it sent Jack-Jack flying towards the city skyline, the soldier released from his stubby grip and now in Billy’s hand.
“That not so hard.” Billy boasted, unaware that Jack-Jack had just activated his telekinesis midflight, grabbing Billy and pulling him along at comparable speeds, until he too disappeared from Diaper Dog’s sight.
“That…can’t be good.”
Miles away, in the heart of the concrete jungle, the twin babies finally stopped hurtling through the troposphere and turned to face each other, levitating high above the ground.
Noticing that Super Diaper Baby still clutched the soldier in his palm, Jack-Jack raised his hand, as if ordering Billy to give it back.
“No. Mama need it.”
Jack-Jack’s eyes narrowed, and began to glow.
Having a bad feeling about what was going to happen next, Billy followed suit.
The infant squabble was about to begin.
Both Super Diaper Baby and Jack-Jack launched their eye lasers simultaneously, the beams traveling at the speed of light towards the opposition, meeting in the middle and creating a series of bright flashes that were visible even from several miles away, glowing in a myriad of rainbow colors as they refracted the light in the atmosphere.
But very quickly, Super Diaper Baby’s beam began to overpower Jack-Jack’s, the orange encroaching ever closer to the source of the green.
“Me more powerful than you. Gonna win!” Super Diaper Baby exclaimed, continuing to press the assault. Trying to hold back the power of Super Diaper Baby, Jack-Jack got an idea. Concentrating heavily, he began to vibrate spastically, jittering all over the place as Super Diaper Baby watched in confusion, until Jack-Jack somehow managed to create a clone of himself, popping out of Jack-Jack’s body and adding its own laser power to Jack-Jack’s. Flabbergasted, Billy could only watch as Jack-Jack continued to replicate itself over and over again, until there were 8 Jack-Jack’s all firing their lasers towards Billy at once, and slowly the tide began to turn, for now Billy was the one being forced back.
Knowing that he was about to be overwhelmed, Billy stopped firing and flew down, out of Jack-Jack’s sight, as the lasers hit a nearby building and burned the windows to ash. Satisfied with his handiwork, Jack-Jack recalled his clones and squealed in delight, before leaning over the edge of the building to find his soldier-
KER-CRACK!
Only to be sucker-punched from below!
Super Diaper Baby’s mighty blow sent Jack-Jack careening into a nearby skyscraper, carving an enormous hole in the wall and shaking the foundations. Jack-Jack slowly sat up and rubbed his bruised head, witnessing as Billy flew towards him at incredible speed to finish what he had started.
Jack-Jack quickly set his body alight with flame, giving off an intense heat that forced even the mighty Super Diaper Baby to recoil in slight pain, before Jack-Jack rapidly blasted beams of pure fire at his foe. The first one managed to catch Billy off guard, sending him spinning through the air and clutching his burned skin, giving him barely enough time to backhand the next fire blast into a nearby crane. The ensuing explosion sent the enormous construction machine falling off the building, about to crush the people below.
Without a moment to lose, Super Diaper Baby flew underneath the crane and pushed upwards with all his might, struggling to hold up its massive weight. The crane was beginning to slow down, but the ground was still approaching at rapid speeds, thousands of screaming people crying for help from underneath Billy.
Pushing again, Billy just barely managed to stop the crane, his toes literal inches from the concrete as the people breathed collective sighs of relief. As Billy replaced the crane on the road, he was met with thunderous cheers by the adoring public. A flash erupted from a nearby camera, as a reporter made her way through the crowd to stand next to Billy.
“Mister Baby, you just saved the entirety of downtown Metroville! How did you do this despite being so small, so inexperienced? What’s your secret?” the reporter screeched, jamming her microphone in Billy’s face.
Billy took a moment, and then responded clearly “Me have good parents. Raise me to help. Use superpowers to save weak. Is my job.”
The crowd let out a collective awww, but clearly the reporter wasn’t satisfied. “No monetary gain? No parades in your honor? Not even a chewing biscuit?”
Billy shrugged.
“Isn’t he so humble, everyone?” The reporter announced, drawing out another cheer from the crowd as Billy basked in the glory.
Not for long though, since Jack-Jack used his telekinesis to lift himself up and fly down to continue the fight, raining more fire bursts down on Billy in an effort to incapacitate him and grab the toy. However, Billy was too quick, dodging each and every one of the flame jets and pushing the civilians to safety as Jack-Jack’s rampage spread to the Central District.
Gritting his teeth and pulling up his diaper, Billy grumbled “Me know what me have to do.”
And so, pulling out a stop sign from the side of the road and twirling it like an oversized staff, Billy took to the skies and flew towards his destiny, darkness burning in his black, soulless eyes…
In the Central District, Jack-Jack was furiously tearing the place apart, searching for the one baby who had stolen his precious plaything, not willing to stop until it was his at last.
“STOP, MEANIE!”
(stop music)
Jack-Jack paused for a moment and turned to witness Super Diaper Baby, but not fast enough to avoid getting clubbed in the side of the head by his improvised melee weapon, sending the youngest Incredible smashing into a nearby bench and splintering wood everywhere.
As Super Diaper Baby flew to deliver the knockout blow, Jack-Jack suddenly disappeared into a blue portal, out of sight. Billy couldn’t see his opponent per se, but he could hear him, somehow, mocking him from another plane of reality.
“Listen! Me no want to fight. Me just want to sit back, relax, enjoy life! Pwease, stop, so we can be fwiend-“
(start music)
“AGOOGOO!”Jack-Jack let loose his battle cry, as he appeared from a portal behind Billy and delivered a powerful punch to the baby’s rear, sending the diaper-clad do-gooder collapsing to the ground. Then another portal appeared from below Billy and sent the boy rocketing skyward, right into the gaping jaws of another warp hole that slammed him back onto the ground with a sickening thud.
Rolling himself onto his back, Billy panted heavily as he struggled to put his weight onto his arms to lift himself up. “How me fight baby I can’t see?”
Then Billy realized that even though he couldn’t see Jack-Jack, his voice still echoed through his ears. “AHA!” he exclaimed, as he braced himself, listening for that telltale sign that he would be assaulted.
A giggling erupted from his left as the portal hole began to widen, Jack-Jack about to strike again…
“Gotcha.”
Billy reached to his side and grabbed Jack-Jack’s throat as tight as he could, lifting the still-choking baby above his head. With no sense of remorse, he began gently tapping Jack-Jack’s skull into the concrete road, over and over again, not trying to kill him, but rather just knock him out and end the fight right away. He was confident that Jack-Jack was weak enough for it to work.
After 50 times of doing this, though, he noticed that Jack-Jack didn’t seem to be ceasing with his constant squirming to get out of Billy’s grip. Then Billy took a closer look and realized that throughout the whole thing, Jack-Jack had covered himself in a thick metallic coating, shielding him from harm and preventing him from losing the fight. As Billy finally took notice, he let his concentration slip for just a moment, and as a result dropped Jack-Jack on his foot, sending a sharp pain up Billy’s leg.
“Ow, Ow, Ow, Owchie!” Billy squealed as he jumped about on one leg, rubbing his toes in an attempt to stop the pain, giving Jack-Jack enough time to transform back and nail Billy with a well-placed eye laser, sending the safety-pinned superhero sprawling next to a manhole cover. An entrance to the sewers.
Seizing his chance, Billy popped the cover and slipped into the murky depths, Jack-Jack following close behind in an attempt to get the toy.
(stop music)
In the sewers…
It was dark, dank, and scary, just like a mother’s womb. Jack-Jack slowly inched his way down the ladder, scanning to the left and right in an attempt to find his prey, but it was too murky black to see. Scratching his head in search of a method to see in the dark, Jack-Jack’s eyes managed to fixate themselves upon a duo of broken glass pieces, and got an ingenious idea. Picking up the glasses, he held them up to his eyes and fired his lasers. The glasses acted as prisms, magnifying the blast tenfold so that is shot out as a concentrated light beam, illuminating the entire tunnel.
Content with his handiwork, Jack-Jack set off down the tunnel, unaware that his quarry was right above his head, having floated near the entrance to the sewer since Jack-Jack had arrived, concealed from the naked eye by the darkness. Now that the coast was clear, he tailed Jack-Jack, staying with the light so he could still see.
With Jack-Jack’s cautious nature pressing him forward at a rather slow pace, tailing him was agonizingly slow for Billy. His already short attention span wore thin.
“Me end this. NOW!” Billy whispered angrily, as he flew and punched Jack-Jack at lightspeed, sending the baby toppling into the mucky, disgusting water below.
“Eww. Bad Wadda! Vewy Vewy bad!” Billy whined, waving his hand in front of his small nose to relieve himself of the smell. But as he closed his eyes, he failed to notice the water bubbling violently, as if something massive was coming up to the surface.
The water burst forth, and an arm reached out to grab Billy, an arm that was as thick as a tree trunk and just as sturdy, holding tightly to the baby’s arm and shaking Billy Hoskins Jr. around like a ragdoll, the wee-wee warrior unable to shake himself loose as he was flung into brick walls and muck-filled pipes, splattering him with liquid and feces.
It was that moment when the beast from the depths chose to emerge, and it was Jack-Jack! The baby had somehow grown 5 times his size, and was now extremely chubby. Yet the level of danger had only grown, for Jack-Jack now decided to combine his powers to devastating effect.
By combining his combustion ability with his size alteration, he now filled the cavern with fire, threatening to ignite the nearby fuel cells with his radiance. He paid it no mind, however, instead focusing on surrounding Billy with smoke and flame, filling the boy’s nostrils and lungs with the overpowering mist, threatening to suffocate him in a matter of moments. Billy coughed without end, and raised his arm in a sign of defeat, begging Jack-Jack to stop. The Incredible’s only response was an outstretched hand, a silent message of his intentions.
Billy understood immediately. “NO!” he yelled, pulling the soldier closer to his chest. Angered, Jack-Jack used his free hand to grab Super Diaper Baby’s hand and pulled. The two became locked in a game of tug-of-war in the depths of the burning hellhole, neither willing to let go and escape the cavern.
Tapping into his inner reserves of strength, Super Diaper Baby pulled even harder, his grip tightening as he leaned further back against the wall.
Jack-Jack, feeling his hold waning, cloned himself once more and had the duplicates form a long chain behind him, each grabbing onto the shoulders of the one in front, as they all pulled at once. The immense added power allotted Jack-Jack enough strength to even out the struggle again, for the moment. For while Billy could only pull with his immense strength, Jack-Jack had full control over mind and body.
Concentrating once more, his brain went into overtime, converting non-necessary brain waves into telekinetic thought and translating it into psychic waves that came off of Jack-Jack in droves, forcefully dragging Super Diaper Baby into the air and flinging him around like a cork in the ocean, Billy helpless to stop the inexorable grasp of psychokinesis.
It seemed helpless, but then Jack-Jack slammed him into a nearby water-pipe, and Billy could hear it groaning under the strain of the fire. Feeling a renewed sense of confidence, Billy focused all his power into his hand, and with a triumphant “HIYAH!” he karate-chopped the pipe and cut an enormous slit, allowing water to gush out like a high pressure fire hose. Jack-Jack recoiled in disgust and tried to slip away, but Billy turned the makeshift hose on him, dousing the blazing baby in scummy water and turning him back into a normal chubby baby, who then regressed into a regular baby upon losing his concentration.
His task accomplished, Billy dropped the hose and strode over to face Jack-Jack, grabbing the boy by the shirt and lifting him up.
“Any last wowds?”
“AMAMAMOTO!”
“Well, that’s not weally a wowd…”
Suddenly, Billy’s hands were burning in agony, forcing him to release Jack-Jack and cradle them, Jack-Jack’s fiercely vibrating body stopping as it had served its purpose.
Annoyed, Super Diaper Baby picked Jack-Jack up and punted the baby so hard, his opponent broke an enormous hole right in the ceiling of the sewer tunnel, disappearing into the light above. Grunting, Billy gave chase in an effort to finish the battle.
(stop music)
Metroville Bank, 12:49 PM
All was quiet in the hallowed halls of Metroville Bank. For over a year it had remained free of any sort of criminal intent, protected by the Supers now that they had been legalized. But now that all of them were off trying to stop the fire near the park, one man was about to change all of that…
From within Vault 5 a faint ticking could be heard, slow, repetitive, and fear-inducing.
3…2…
BOOM!
The vault door flew off its hinges as it was subjected to the explosion, hitting the opposite wall dead center as it slid down and came to a stop. From its original position came a man, stepping out of the dust and revealing himself to be Bomb Voyage, one of France’s most furtive and lucrative bank robbers.
“Ah, d’argent est mon finalement! Oui, oui!” Bomb Voyage boasted as he stepped out into the light and shut the door behind him, confident in his ability to escape before anyone came after him. By the time “le stupide” cops found out it was him, he would be in Switzerland, counting his newfound fortune. Nothing could go wrong for him.
That is, until the ground opened up in front of the finagling Frenchmen, and a baby popped out of it and into his lap, forcing him to drop his ill-gotten booty.
“Que? Quel est cet enfant sur mes mains?” Voyage asked in confusion, holding the smelly infant in front of him and wondering where he could kick it, until he caught a glimpse of the baby’s costume and the distinctive letter i.
“M…Monsieur Incroyable?”
At that moment, Super Diaper Baby emerged from the sewer, covered in filth, yet no worse for wear, landing on the ground and adopting a martial arts stance akin to one he had seen in a TV commercial.
“Et Incredi-homme?! Zut Alors!…Oh…” Bomb Voyage said weakly as he fainted, the insanity finally getting to him as he collapsed in a heap, almost wanting the cops to show up and cart him back to prison yet again.
“Awe you done?” Billy reproached.
But Jack-Jack didn’t answer, as he was jerking violently.
“Uh…awe you okay fwiend?”
Jack-Jack’s skin was turning a shade of mauve, his fingernails grew into long sharp claws, and his body became much thicker and ripply with muscles. Then he stood up straight…well, as much as he could with his hunched back, and turned in an instant to face Billy. He was no longer human, but rather a pink, muscled, beastly monster, ready to exact his terrible vengeance and destroy Super Diaper Baby for good.
“Uh oh.”
Jack-Jack’s monster clone army launched themselves at Billy all at once, their claws outstretched to sink into his sensitive flesh. Panicking, Billy managed to use his impressive speed to dodge all but one of the clones, which successfully clung to SDB’s back while the boy was distracted. Raising his palm to the skies, he began scratching Billy’s exposed skin with claw swipe after claw swipe, leaving deep gashes that soon began to leak with blood, covering Billy’s back and stomach.
The bloodstained baby howled in pain, jerking violently in the sky in an effort to shake his aggressor off. But no matter how hard he tried, Jack-Jack still clung on thanks to his claws, hanging thousands of feet above the ground. Steeling his nerves, Jack-Jack opened his mouth wide before biting down HARD on Billy’s neck, his teeth sinking into bone marrow. Angered, Billy got a firm hold on Jack-Jack with his crimson fingers, lifting him up by the head, and throwing him into the ground at unthinkable velocities, Jack-Jack’s body making a sickening CRUNCH.
A lust for revenge burning in his pupils, Billy rapidly punched Jack-Jack in the stomach as the monster tried to get up, forcing Jack-Jack to cough up more blood as he resumed his fetal position. Billy raised his fists and threw punch after punch at Jack-Jack’s midsection, not stopping until he heard the distinctive CRACK of bones breaking, ribs shattering, blood vessels bursting.
A sound that never truly came.
Billy kept punching, and his fingers kept meeting resistance in the form of a rubbery shell encapsulating Jack-Jack’s entire being, a shell that prevented harm and stopped Billy’s chances to escape and recuperate, as he was stuck to his adversary.
Seeing his opportunity, Jack-Jack disappeared into another dimension, taking Billy along with him as they surged through the purple wormhole into another reality, where the sky was black with red clouds and thunderbolts, and there was no bottom, only a pit of madness.
As Billy tried to grasp his surroundings, Jack-Jack disappeared into the aether, shrouding himself in a newly formed layer of mist. Staying on his guard, Billy looked around cautiously, searching for his toothless target with a calculated anger.
A laser shot him in the back out of nowhere, surprising Billy. He looked to where he assumed it came from, unaware that the laser had not dissipated. It homed in on him again, slicing through his back like a bolt of searing plasma and leaving the defenseless baby stunned while the laser continued to slice away, even chopping off Billy’s ear at one point, oozing crimson liquid in a snakelike trail around him.
As Billy sat reeling and nauseous from the blood loss, the laser traveled high into the air, telepathically controlled by Jack-Jack. Under his commands, the laser’s shape slowly morphed into something sharper and more deadly, like a spear of light raining down from the heavens. And with one mighty, thunderous “AWANO!” the spear came down, ready to end things once and for all.
“Hmph.”
“Yoo wave alweady wost.”
Jack-Jack was confused, but his question was answered soon enough. To his horror, Billy managed to reach his arm towards the sky, catching the laser in midair!
With a shout of fury, Billy threw the laser spear at where he knew Jack-Jack was hiding in cowardice. This time there was no guessing. He could feel it in his gut.
And his faith was rewarded, as Jack-Jack cried out in pain as the laser went through his shoulder and stuck. He could not pull it out, for he was already too weak. And the screech gave Billy enough time to hit Jack-Jack right in the face, with an impact force so great that Jack-Jack flew into the void wall and shattered it, destroying the illusion and bringing the duo back to Metroville Bank, Bomb Voyage still collapsed in a heap on the side of the road.
Super Diaper Baby had definitely seen better days. His skin was gone in about five different places, he still had scorch marks seared permanently onto his back, and he was limping, barely able to hold himself up. But as bad as Billy looked…
Jack-Jack looked even worse.
For every scar Billy sported, Jack-Jack multiplied it by ten. His shoulder was almost beyond repair, and what remained of Jack-Jack’s cranium was burned away, revealing the sensitive skull bone underneath. He couldn’t even stand. All he could do was stare weakly as Billy crept closer and closer, at an agonizingly slow speed.
Desperate to stop his advance, Jack-Jack blasted lasers, heat blasts, gravity blasts, he even tried throwing chunks of stone. Billy simply backhanded through all of it. He was a baby on a mission, determined to see this battle through to the end. It was his soldier, and his right to keep it. And no one would deny him that right without consequences.
Out of options to use, Jack-Jack decided on one final tactic. He strained to get to his feet, leaning on his hands heavily. Locking eyes with Billy, he let out a weak roar of challenge as he burst forward, intending to slam into Billy and knock him out.
Unfortunately, Jack-Jack’s legs and body had sustained too much damage from the fight, and the most he could manage was a slow jog. Even in Billy’s weakened state, he was still fast enough to sidestep the blow, grabbing Jack-Jack by the neck. Jack-Jack was helpless as Billy began to deliver the death blow with an upraised palm.
At that moment, Diaper Dog appeared from behind the building, bearing witness to Billy and Jack-Jack fighting.
“Billy, no!” he ordered.
(stop music)
It was too late. Billy had already karate-chopped Jack-Jack’s neck, knocking the boy out. Very gently, he laid Jack-Jack to rest near a tree, making sure he was somewhat comfortable, before taking to the air and joining Diaper Dog.
“B-Billy…did you…?”
“No. Only knocked out. Safe.”
“Oh, thank god. You got the toy soldier for Mom, right?”
“Yep!” Billy replied, holding it out for Diaper Dog to see. It was a little battered and worn from the fight, but otherwise mostly intact. Thankfully.
“Well, I guess we better get out of here before things get nasty…” Diaper Dog said, starting to fly away.
“Wait…gotta do somefing.” Billy solemnly demanded, before raising his eyes to the sky and firing orange beams. Getting the message, Diaper Dog copied him, quad jets of orange lighting up the sky as a signal for Jack-Jack’s parents to come get him.
“Well, whoever they were, hope they saw that.”
“Yeah.” Billy whispered, as he and Diaper Dog took off. But Billy couldn’t shake the feeling that this would come back and haunt him…
: I knew that boy would be too weak to go through with it.
: Too weak? Or maybe…strong enough not to.
: He probably coulda done it. One quick throat slash and bam. Donzo.
: Yeah, but there’s supposed to be this whole dichotomy of “will he, won’t he, can he, can’t h-?”
: And then there’s the lasers, those could have done nice work.
: Maybe choking him on one of those oh so lovely diapers he cares so much about.
: Or maybe-
: QUIET!
: OK.
: Mmm…ahem. Now to discuss why Super Diaper Baby ended up taking this. It’s actually…really simple when you get down to it. Basically a curbstomp.
: Starting with strength, Jack-Jack is capable of fighting raccoons and busting through walls when he’s big. Super Diaper Baby? Casual pusher of planet Earth alongside Diaper Dog.
Like, he takes skipping leg day to a whole new level. You can bust out your powerscaling levels and such, but you probably can tell right away that pushing Earth over 20,000 miles, even with help, is probably at least a little superior to busting a wall. And for those arguing Billy didn’t do his fair share, he and Diaper Dog are at the same level of power since they got their powers from Captain Underpants himself, in the exact same way.
: Even if you wish to argue that this is far above Super Diaper Baby’s normal showings and thus shouldn’t be considered, Super Diaper Baby’s other strength feats, such as picking up Rip Van Tinkle and Deputy Doo-Doo, as well as picking up and violently shaking the building size Robo-Ant, are also superior to Jack-Jack busting through walls. And in terms of durability, Diaper Baby survived being crushed by a building, and was able to take the reactionary force back into his body when he was pushing the planet. Jack-Jack’s durability feats are practically nonexistent, let alone by comparison.
: As for speed(my specialty), it…doesn’t really get much better. In fact, it arguably gets worse. Going over Jack-Jack, he is able to react to Dash, which should give Jack-Jack Subsonic speeds via Dash running on water and going fast enough to be invisible on a 30 FPS Camera(Outpaced a security camera which captures at 30 frames/second), but he should also be able to dodge his own laser beams, considering Kari, a completely normal human, was able to react to them.
Jack-Jack’s lasers, as shown in the Jack-Jack attack short, are capable of not only being reflected, but burning things as well, meaning they are legitimate lasers. So dodging these would put Jack-Jack at impressive Relativistic-Relativistic+ speeds, which would be impressive…
: If Super Diaper Baby wasn’t fucking FASTER THAN LIGHT! At the end of Super Diaper Baby: Invasion of the Potty Snatchers, Billy and Diaper Dog fly to Uranus and back before anyone realizes they’re gone.
At bare minimum, assuming they were gone for 10 minutes, this would put the pair at speeds of 30.42 times the speed of light. It could potentially be higher with smaller timeframes like 5 minutes, which would boost it to almost 61 times the speed of light, but even at that base value, Super Diaper Baby would still be over 30x faster than Jack-Jack! And unlike Billy’s planet pushing, it’s impossible to argue this as an outlier since Captain Underpants(you know, the guy Billy got his powers from), did pretty much the same thing when he flew to Uranus and back in 15 minutes.
: A control of the stat trinity that firm is already enough to win the match by itself, but going into tertiary categories, Billy is also far more intelligent, and experienced. Billy has beaten up numerous crooks, robbers, and petty thieves in his time as a hero, and saved the city from giant monsters at least twice. By contrast, Jack-Jack’s only feats are beating up a Super with less physicality than Billy, ripping hypno goggles off of Mrs. Incredible, and helping his family beat Syndrome. And as for intelligence, Billy could walk, talk, and read in the span of a few months after his birth. Jack-Jack can’t even speak, and has overall less control of his powers than Billy.
: But speaking of powers, that is probably the only definitive advantage that Jack-Jack possesses. Jack-Jack’s array of abilities far outclasses Billy’s…lasers and flight. Jack-Jack’s fire manipulation, electricity powers, gravity abilities, cloning, shapeshifting, strength buffs, and more would definitely be enough to keep Billy on his toes…for a moment. Because while these powers are impressive, they don’t exactly even out the stat gap in a meaningful way. Like, sure, Jack-Jack can shoot fire! Does it matter considering Billy can dodge it with ease? Not really. Cloning? He still can’t hit Billy. Levitation? Billy flies much faster.
: However, there are four powers Jack-Jack has that would be at least somewhat useful, those being telekinesis, dimension hopping, phasing, and the ability to turn his body into rubber to stave off damage. But I’ll try to explain why none of these are really game changers.
The telekinesis would certainly help to hold Billy in place so Jack-Jack could land some strong hits, but not only does Billy blitz Jack-Jack before he even thinks of doing that, but if one considers his Large Planet level durability as legitimate and not an outlier, literally none of Jack-Jack’s attacks can even scratch Billy. So that’s out. The rubber ability suffers from the same problem. Yes, Jack-Jack can stave off the damage, but it’s really just delaying the inevitable considering he still can’t touch Billy at all, and Billy could just one-shot anyway considering the limits of Jack-Jack’s durability in this form are nowhere near the level of strength that Billy needed to help push the Earth.
: As for the phasing and dimension hopping, one could make an argument that maybe Jack-Jack could phase through Billy and potentially destroy him from the inside. First of all, it’s very unlikely Jack-Jack can even do this considering it’s never been really shown, and even if he could, not only is this not in character in any way, but Billy can still get out of the way with time to grab a bottle of milk and read a children’s book. Plus, Billy’s organs should definitely be near the same level as Billy himself, so Jack-Jack still couldn’t hurt said organs considering Billy’s astronomical strength. Which really just leaves the dimension hopping, which Jack-Jack could use in one of two ways: either trapping Billy in another dimension, or trapping himself in another dimension for a stalemate. This is probably Jack-Jack’s best chance of not dying, and even then it’s extremely unlikely to work considering we don’t know if Jack-Jack can stay in this other dimension permanently, and even if he could, again, he still dies before he even considers the possibility due to his significantly inferior statline. However, if he does trap Billy in the other dimension, it is a win since Super Diaper Baby has no way of getting out.
: So with that said, let’s pull up the ole chart!
Yeah…paints a clear picture.
: Overall, Jack-Jack is definitely a strong foe considering his age, respect where it’s due, but when he’s put up against a baby that can do such crazy feats as Billy, he just can’t compare. Billy is too strong, too fast, too tough, too intelligent, and too experienced for Jack-Jack to even hope to match. I’d say he’s almost even a match for me!
: Billy was the true ba-beast on the battlefield today, that’s for sure!
: The winner is Super Diaper Baby, the diaper-clad destructor.
Super Diaper Baby(Winner):
++With or without the planet pushing feat, Billy is still stronger. The planet feat is just overkill ++Over 30 times faster than Jack-Jack ++Way tougher than Jack-Jack even without the planet feat +More intelligent +More experienced -Costume not as good as Jack-Jack’s super suit –Way less versatile
Jack-Jack(Loser):
++Leagues more versatile in terms of abilities +Super Suit is better than Billy’s costume -Less intelligent -Less experienced –Can’t really hurt Billy at all considering Billy’s vastly superior durability –Jack-Jack’s strength is absolutely pathetic compared to Billy’s –Super Diaper Baby could run a thousand laps in the time it takes Jack-Jack to get halfway around
The fire had been absolutely devastating, managing to take out an entire city block by the time it was quenched, but in the end it was no match for the combined power of the supers. Satisfied at themselves for a job well done, Mr. and Mrs. Incredible stretched themselves out to relax their aching muscles. Helen was just about to turn around and grab Jack-Jack, when all of a sudden a light to the east caught her eye. A shower of orange sparks, glowing as bright as fire, was in the sky, a beacon against the setting sun and rising darkness. And yet as soon as it had appeared, it vanished.
“What was that?” Mr. Incredible wondered.
“Dunno…but we should go check it out.” Mrs. Incredible replied, using her stretchy arms to swing off of lampposts and other materials to disappear from sight in an instant.
“Why can’t I do that? No, I’m just that guy who hits things really hard. Thanks, universe.” Mr. Incredible grumbled, as he took off after his wife.
They weaved their way through the busy streets, jumping over cars, limboing under tree-branches, until they made their way to the source of the beacon: Metroville Bank. Once there, they scanned around, trying to find where the culprit of the signal was. Aside from Bomb Voyage, who they called the police for immediately, and some shattered debris, there was no signs of anyone. They were about to turn around and head home, when Mr. Incredible happened to glance at the nearby shady tree and saw-
“JACK-JACK!”
“What? But I left him by the park, how could he be-“
“You LEFT him there!?”
“He has powers, I thought he could take care of himself-“
“He’s still a baby!” Mr. Incredible ranted, hurrying to pick Jack-Jack up off the ground.
“Oh, like you’ve never done ANYTHING irresponsible in your life!”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that! Just help me get him back home!”
Jack-Jack was badly injured, but thankfully still alive. “Forget home, we need to take him to the hospital.”
“I just hope he’ll be okay.”
“He will…”
Meanwhile, back at Super Diaper Baby’s house, Mrs. Hoskins was worried sick. “Oh…they should have been back by now. What’s taking those two so long?”
“Honey, it’s okay.” Bill Hoskins reassured. “Billy takes after me, he’s a tough kid. He’ll be fine.”
“Right.”
Her husband’s words did nothing to appease her, as she continued to pace aimlessly around the room. She was considering calling the police, when all of a sudden she heard a small knock at the door.
Overjoyed, she rushed to the door and threw it open. Her look of joy, however, was soon replaced with horror as she stared at her beyond mutilated child.
“My baby!” she yelled, as she scooped Billy in her arms and cradled him fiercely, mortified at all of his wounds. “What happened?!”
“Got into fight.”
“Oh…I knew that all this superhero work would turn out bad eventually…you need to stay home from now on!”
“But Momma-“
“I mean it, mister!”
“I got the soldier!”
“What? Oh…oh, yes, right…good.”
“Soldier?” Bill Hoskins questioned.
“Yes, sweetie.” Mary Hoskins replied, presenting the toy to her husband at last, his jaw almost hitting the floor. “I know you always wanted one, so we got one for you. Happy Birthday.”
“Aww…come here, all of you!”
Super Diaper Baby, Diaper Dog, and Mr. and Mrs. Hoskins came together in a big family group hug, before adjourning to the dinner table for some well earned food. But then…
SQUELCH!
“Billy…”
“Oops…me poop.”
After a few seconds, everyone burst out in joyous laughter, and even Billy felt the need to laugh at his own embarrassment, as their laughter filled the neighborhood with the kind of joy that hadn’t been seen for months, the kind that makes everyone happy.
: So…this is happening now. Didn’t think it would come quite so soon, but…we’re finally doing it. We’re finally gonna kill Sonic, right?
: Keep dreamin’, Shadman! Or would you prefer Shadbase?
: Actually I’d prefer to stick my fist up your limp co-
: Whoa, man! That’s NO good!
: He’s right, Shadow. Learn to respect furry anuses and di-
: Hold on! Can’t we at least attempt to maintain a family-friendly facade here?
: I think we abandoned that when we had babies fight.
: True, but make an effort! …More on topic, it’s time we took these two true blue juggernauts and make ’em fight for supremacy! You guys ready?
: Yeah, alright!
: Hehehe…yep.
: Meh. Long as we end this before I gotta pick up Junior from Amateur Demolitions Camp.
: This whole event is a mockery of the KaibaCorp name and a waste of my time. The sooner it ends, the better.
: Then it’s time…for a SMACKDOWN!
Domino City, 8:55 PM…
Domino City, normally one of the sprawling hubs of Japan during the day, had now quieted down to an extraordinary degree. The people had begun turning in for the night, almost as if they could feel in their bones that something wasn’t right. The skies had turned the deepest shade of midnight black, and not even the moon shone through the thick clouds.
The only building still lit up was the city’s crown jewel, the monument to the ego of the Kaiba family, KaibaCorp. Once a center for developing weapons of battle, that purpose had been retired to make way for the creation of games. More specifically, the ultimate card game, played all over Japan, and the world. Upon being placed in the hands of genius game designer Seto Kaiba, the company had taken the archaic Duel Monsters and transformed it into a technological marvel. Nowadays, the citizens of Domino couldn’t walk two feet without seeing a duel played with holographic technology, bringing forth real monsters with real powers.
And tonight, Seto Kaiba was taking it to the maximum level.
“More power!” Seto Kaiba roared to his technicians, who nodded dutifully as they cranked the levers and dials upward on their consoles, sending more sparks of electricity into the testing room.
“Excellent.” Kaiba responded, his expression completely impassive as he stared at the culmination of about 3 months worth of work. “‘Pharaoh, I may not have been able to defeat you while you were bonded to Yugi, but upon completing this, we will be able to have our rematch. And I WILL win. Then, the scars of my defeats will be imprinted onto you. You will finally know what I have suffered for so long…'”
The door behind Kaiba suddenly slid open, the CEO’s ears perking up as he turned to face his brother.
Mokuba Kaiba was rather short for his age, and yet it belied a greater truth. He was slowly changing, being molded into a future president of KaibaCorp. Once Seto was gone, he was happy the company would be left in good hands.
“What is it, Mokuba? I’m a bit busy right now.”
“I know, Seto, but don’t you think that what you’re doing is a bit dangerous? I mean, you don’t even know what this machine will do when you finish it! Shouldn’t we make sure that it’s safe?” Mokuba urged.
“Safe? Mokuba, the pharaoh would never have played it safe, and neither will I, if I am to be his superior!”
“The pharaoh is gone, Seto. You need to let it go, and focus on running the company!”
“I will. Once I have finally moved on…Roland, status update!”
A man in a black suit and sunglasses stepped forward, handed Kaiba an electronic clipboard. “I’m sorry, sir, but the card is not achieving the desired results.”
“This is unacceptable! I require these cards to achieve greater levels of realism if I am to use them to unlock the doorway to the past! I WILL finish this! Crank the power to maximum!”
“But…but sir! We don’t know what will happen! The computer may overloa-“
“I’m paying you to do what I say, and what I say is to crank up the power! Now do it before I have you all thrown out on the streets!”
The researchers looked at each other with sad finality, as they pushed the settings to their highest possible level, creating the strongest electrical storm yet, one that spread across Domino City and even into the clouds above.
And yet when the smoke cleared, the card was unchanged, still showing the same translucent Blue-Eyes White Dragon it had been projecting for the past 4 hours.
“Well then, I suppose we have to-” Kaiba started, but was unable to complete his thought before the lights went out. And so, there they were, standing in inky black darkness and pondering how to resolve it.
But as soon as they had begun to adjust to the darkness, a brilliant blue light shone from within the testing room, emanating from the Blue-Eyes card.
“What’s happening!?” Mokuba cried out, struggling to hold on to a nearby chair as the area started shaking.
His question was swiftly answered as from within the card itself emerged the Blue-Eyes White Dragon itself, but it was different. The design was certainly the same, but it looked much less fuzzy, and seemed more visible than it had before the lights went out.
Kaiba began to have some suspicions, and they were quickly confirmed when the dragon opened its mouth and blasted an enormous White Lightning shot, destroying the back wall completely and allowing the winged beast to flee out into the Domino skyline.
“Did…did it just-?” Roland started, only to be cut off by Kaiba.
“Come alive…yes. This could be the answer I’ve been seeking!” Kaiba yelled, pointing his finger to the door. “To the chopper! Follow that dragon!”
The researchers immediately bowed before clambering out the door as fast as humanly possible, ascending to the roof to reach the swath of helicopters available to the Kaiba family at any time.
“Seto, you’re not going to do anything crazy again, are you?”
“Of course not, Mokuba. This’ll just be a simple research experiment, I promise.” Kaiba replied, and that seemed to satisfy Mokuba as he raced to join the others.
“At least, for now…”
Meanwhile, outside the city…
The waters outside Domino, at the moment, were rather calm and serene. There was the occasional enormous wave that battered the trees and threatened to make them buckle under the intense pressure, but otherwise the beaches were pristine.
That is, until a blue streak sped by, creating pillars of water that ran parallel to each other, along with a smooth line of extremely hot glass that used to be coarse sand.
As the blur moved through the trees, every single one in its way was quickly uprooted and tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage, the creatures living within cursing under their breath at the unknown assailant.
Finally, as it crested the nearby hill overlooking Domino, the flash of blue light made a hard stop, skidding across the ground and leaving a dirt trail before it finally stopped on the edge of a steep incline.
The figure was simply dressed in white gloves and red trainers. His emerald eyes glistened with excitement as he gazed at all the possible new adventures he could undertake, his blue quills ruffling in the wind. He rubbed his cream-colored stomach in hunger as he spoke into his communicator.
“Hey Knuckles, can I eat now? I’m starving and there’s a real nice chili dog stand somewhere down in the city, ya know?”
“Look, Sonic, I know it’s been rough, but this mission really needs to be finished ASAP. The future of the planet could be at stake!”
“Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Remind me what it is again?”
“Last night Blaze and Tangle were scoping this place out, and they picked up an incredible energy surge at the tower in the city’s center. And more importantly, the presence of robot AI.” Knuckles explained.
“So, you think Eggy’s holed up in here, making his robots to sic them on Japan? Sounds bad.”
“It is. If Eggman takes control here, there’s nothing stopping him from taking Chun-nan, and then the rest of the world. So you gotta stop him here and now, okay?”
“Got it.”
“Good luck, Sonic. Over and out.”
Sonic hung up and crossed his arms. “Man, can’t Eggman ever take a break or something? It’s kinda getting annoying just stopping his plans every week. I got a life too!”
“And I’m talking to myself. Great.”
Sonic revved up his legs until they formed a figure 8, before zooming off down the hill and into the city, heading for KaibaCorp tower. He was about halfway there when…
“RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRGGHHH!”
A blast of white light came hurtling towards Sonic at incredible speeds, leaving the spiky haired rodent just barely enough time to dodge before it created a brand new crater in the road where a car used to be.
Flipping backwards through the air, Sonic gracefully landed on his feet and looked up to see his attacker.
There, in the skies above, was the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, leering at the hedgehog with a look that could melt steel.
“Hey, buddy. I don’t think you’re acquainted with the rules of the road. Rule 1, don’t cross a solid yellow line. Rule 2, always make a complete stop at stop signs. And 3, DON’T BLAST LASERS AT CARS!” Sonic yelled, the Blue-Eyes cocking its head in confusion briefly, before glaring once more and threatening to fire another blast.
“Look. I don’t wanna fight, OK? You don’t…seem like one of Baldy’s robots, so I got no beef with you. Run along or I’ll get testy, OK?”
In response, Blue-Eyes let loose another White Lightning, which Sonic just managed to limbo under as it decimated a chunk of a nearby building, causing it to collapse and send shattered brick debris in all directions.
Sonic turned to face his enemy in defiance. “OK, so it looks like peace isn’t an option. Time to rely on the whole ‘asking questions later’ mantra. But just know, big guy…you asked for this!”
Blue Eyes roared into the sky, signifying its acceptance of Sonic’s challenge. The lightning traveling through the clouds caused them to burst, unleashing a storm of water, cutting into Sonic’s fur like a knife, staining his eyes with false tears.
“Alright. You wanted it this way…
Now bring it!”
Sonic didn’t move, taking the time to size up his enormous enemy.
“‘Okay, so it’s big. It’s got giant claws. It’s wings are bigger than Shadow’s ego. And it shoots laser beams. Seems pretty normal so far…Eggy’s been crackin’ under the pressure, I guess. No big deal, just gotta finish this off and find him!'” Sonic mentally strategized, before turning to face the beast.
“HEY!” Sonic yelled at the airborne reptile, attracting its attention as it swiveled its head and narrowed its eyes.
“Yeah, I’m talking to YOU! Did someone hear order a clobberin’!?”
Blue-Eyes cocked its head in confusion.
“Huh, that’s funny. Says here…” Sonic began, pretending to glance at a piece of paper, “that someone ordered an extra large clobbering topped with everything!”
Blue-Eyes flapped its wings and glowered, clearly not amused.
“Oh…you didn’t order it? Well, I can’t take this thing back, so I’ll just give ya an extra-large clobbering for nothing! Hope you’re hungry.” Sonic finished taunting, dropping into a battle stance and shifting his hands into a karate pose.
Fed up with the hedgehog’s taunts, Blue-Eyes roared and unleashed a devastating stream of white light that Sonic managed to sidestep around, leaving a burning sedan in his wake as he waggled his finger at the enormous dragon.
“Now that’s not very nice! Now someone can’t get to work tomorrow!” Sonic teased, clucking his tongue as he lay on his back and yawned, clearly not taking his opponent very seriously. Needless to say, if the Blue-Eyes was in a cartoon, there would be enough steam coming from its ears to fill a sauna for a year.
Determined to kill Sonic once and for all, the Blue-Eyes continued to shoot out streams of destruction, as Sonic parkoured his way across cars, street lamps, even running up the sides of buildings as Blue-Eyes destroyed them piece by piece, until Sonic managed to perform a mighty leap that vaulted him to the top of a nearby card shop. Stopping to take a quick breather, Sonic was unable to avoid Blue-Eyes’s next shot, which nailed him right in the back!
Sonic was sent flying, unable to prevent himself from crashing into a nearby billboard and sending it toppling to the ground, crushing a swath of trees below it. As Sonic struggled to get to his feet, he managed to catch a glimpse of the sign:
“Huh…sounds familiar. Maybe I gotta visit it sometime.” Sonic muttered. “‘Maybe Tails can show me where it is?'”
While Sonic mused on thoughts for vacation after Eggman had been stopped, Blue-Eyes had enough time to fly across the city at mach speeds, its gargantuan wings rhythmically flapping along with the sounds of lightning, crashing against the trees outside the city.
Spreading his wings, Blue-Eyes readied itself and prepared to fire…
…only to be kicked in the face by a red trainer, sending the mighty dragon careening to the ground, laying spread-eagled and seemingly defeated.
“Heh. What, did ya think I wasn’t gonna stop your attack? Get real! This is a fight, not a dance…although I can do both. I just don’t think you’ll really appreciate it. Unless dragons secretly enjoy breakdancing? That would be really helpful to know, if ya catch my drift.” Sonic whispered to the seemingly unconscious beast, when all of a sudden he could feel a cold, scaly set of claws wrapped around his throat.
Struggling to break free, Sonic was lifted forcefully into the air by the suddenly re-energized dragon, as it tightened its grip and began wringing the poor hedgehog’s neck back and forth. As Blue-Eyes stopped its forceful treatment of Mobius’s savior, Sonic gasped for air, his lungs crying out for mercy as the last drops of air within them were slowly squeezed out.
With his last ounce of strength, Sonic recoiled his foot, and without warning kicked the Blue-Eyes right in the snout. It didn’t seem to do any real damage, but it did distract the monster long enough for Sonic to escape, backflipping ad nauseam until the two were standing about fifty feet apart, Sonic giving himself a little pat down to remove the dust from his luxurious spines.
“Alright, I’ll admit. I wasn’t exactly expectin’ that one. I know you’re strong now…but are you fast enough!?” Sonic yelled over the rain, which had begun to turn the skies a midnight black color as the drops poured. When he got no answer, Sonic simply folded his arms and tapped his foot impatiently on the sodden ground.
“Okay, I see you’re not really gonna go along with this whole ‘playful banter’ thing. Fair enough, lots of robots don’t really do that. Not even Metal Sonic, and he’s supposed to be better than me at everything! Like, seriously Eggman, step up your game and maybe you’ll avoid future BBBEs. That’s ‘Best Boss Beating Ever’, in case you were wondering.” Sonic explained.
Growing tired of his opponent’s impertinence, Blue-Eyes slapped Sonic with its tail without warning, flinging Sonic into a nearby birch tree and cracking it at the base, felling the enormous plant as it hit the ground with a thunderous CRASH.
Sonic could feel the splintered wood lodged firmly in his back, but he had no time to deal with it as he saw the next White Lightning out of the corner of his eye. Reaching into the unknown, Sonic pulled out a small yellow gem and clenched it tightly in his fist, concentrating deeply as he channeled its power.
The beam was just about to hit Sonic, as the Blue-Eyes watched in anticipation, when all of a sudden the beam did a complete 180 and slammed right into the dragon’s face!
Blue-Eyes staggered, dropping to one knee as it touched a claw tenderly to its face, feeling the scales that had been scorched. Incredulous, Blue-Eyes tried again, firing another shot at where he presumed Sonic was standing, only to have it once again backfire right into his face, leaving the previously unburned left half of its face matching the right.
Finally, Sonic stepped out from behind the tree line, revealing that he had equipped his Electric Shield.
Shaking off its confusion, Blue-Eyes attempted to shoot, but with its eyes now burned, it couldn’t see Sonic with its blurry, distorted vision, so it simply began firing in every direction, destroying all the trees and even vaporizing a nearby lake.
Sonic took great care to avoid all of the rampant blasts of energy as he slowly closed the gap, the dragon not even aware of Sonic’s location as it kept blasting. When Sonic was within arm’s length of the dragon’s torso, he quickly curled up into a ball, revved up, and then launched at high speed right through Blue-Eyes’s stomach!
It may have been virtual, but that didn’t stop the beast from bleeding blue liquid, coating the soaked grass in a layer of aquamarine. Trying to cling to life, Blue-Eyes limped forward, claws outstretched in an attempt to grab Sonic as he prepared for battle. But just before they touched his face, the life drained from Blue-Eyes at last, as it slumped forward and breathed no more, beginning to disappear into a shower of blue sparks. Soon, all that was left was a card.
“Huh…okay, gonna take a guess and say that ole’ Baldy Mcnosehair didn’t really make that one. Cards aren’t his style. But at least the city is safe. Now…where’s that chili dog stand?” Sonic questioned, turning back towards the city.
Little did he know that the battle was far from over…
Chili Dog Stand, Domino Avenue…
“Uh, hi. So listen, I know that there was this big fight with a dragon earlier and it kinda wrecked a big chunk of this place. I’m also aware it’s pouring rain out here. But…mind if I have a chili-“
“Just take it!” The frightened chili dog stand owner insisted, pushing the greasy food into Sonic’s arm.
“Hey, thanks. Just lemme get some gold rings out-“
“It’s on the house!”
“Are you sur-“
“YES!”
“Oooookay.” Sonic finished, as he took a large bite, his mouth streaming with chili. “People here definitely know how to treat a hero, at least.” he muttered, as he began trying to find shelter from the storm. Just then, however…
KATHOOM!!!
An enormous explosion shook the ground under Sonic’s feet, threatening to collapse the street altogether. Sonic attempted to keep his balance as he stared around in confusion, still clutching the chili dog close to his mouth and taking frequent nibbles to steady his nerves.
He had just cast his eyes onto KaibaCorp headquarters in the distance, when without warning another blast of white-hot energy squarely hit the small of Sonic’s back. The hedgehog couldn’t even feel pain before he crumpled to the floor like a paper bag, felled by the power of the reborn Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon.
“RRRAAARRRRGGHHHH!” Ultimate Dragon roared to the heavens above, as it wreaked its ultimate revenge. Every step it took caused the very Earth itself to rumble, the dragon’s incredible might bending the elements to its will.
As Sonic supported himself on his arm and stared in fear at the dragon stomping towards him, he realized that he wasn’t going to win this battle unless he got serious.
“Then let’s go!” Sonic yelled, pulling out his Blue Star II and hopping on.
The Air boosters hummed with power as Sonic performed a series of twists, flips, and other tricks in an attempt to show off to his adversary.
Growing bored of the rodent’s games, Ultimate Dragon prepared to fire off a Neutron Blast to wipe Sonic, and about half the country of Japan, off the map.
“Welp, that’s my time to go!” Sonic said, as he fired the boosters on his rocket, allowing him to just pass underneath the blast before it torched about half the city behind him.
“Wow, that’s some serious firepower! Looks like thi has learned something after all!” Sonic complimented, as he circled around Ultimate Dragon at ludicrous speeds, the dragon’s three heads completely unable to keep up with Sonic’s Extreme Gear.
“Yeah, that’s right, follow me! Follow me and blast away like the brain-dead killing machine you are!” Sonic taunted as he finished circling and took off down the street in a flash.
As Ultimate Dragon shook itself to stop its dizziness, it saw Sonic’s tailpipe disappear over the nearby crest. And so the beast started to follow…
…only to fall flat on its face.
Confused, the Ultimate Dragon struggled to free itself, only to see that by spinning itself around so much, it had tied its legs together, and now it was stuck. The heads, too, were incapable of freeing themselves without banging into each other repeatedly.
Sonic, meanwhile, was still riding away at the speed of sound, trying to stay ahead of the dragon he assumed was right on his tail. Curious, he glanced back and realized that…he was alone.
Disappointed, Sonic made a U-turn and rode back to where he had last seen the dragon, only to find that it was missing, with only a crater left as evidence of its existence.
“What in Chaos-” Sonic began, only to get sniped in the back once more by the returning Ultimate Dragon. As Sonic flipped through the air, about to crash into another building, he got an idea. Reaching into the void, he pulled out a bracelet that Tails had been working on in his lab, and slipped it onto his wrist. Channeling the energy of the stars, the Ark of the Cosmos activated and allowed Sonic to land smoothly on the building’s surface, before zooming forward and shattering the windows with the power of gravity.
With surprising deftness, Sonic weaved in between the rapid fire Neutron Blasts coming from Ultimate Dragon, as each one cleaved a piece of the building away and made it more closely resemble a block of Swiss cheese. As the edge came closer, Sonic readied himself and then jumped, performing tricks to maintain air in his board as he landed on a neighboring rooftop, Blue-Eyes continuing to shoot at him.
Having enough gravity power stored away, Sonic activated it once more and began hovering in the air. From the streets below, massive chunks of rubble from the conflict began rising to Sonic’s level, until at last they formed a perfect ring around his body. Lifting his arms, he fired three sets of 5 stone chunks at Ultimate Dragon, one after the other. It was able to avoid the first two with some well-timed wing flaps, but the last ones slammed right into it’s wings and torso, leaving behind visible scratches and welts on the dragon’s skin.
“Wow, Tails really did a good job on this test Ark! Works like a charm.” Sonic monologued, as the Ultimate Dragon came back for more.
“Aw, yeah, this is happenin’!” Sonic whooped, as he took to the skies once more with his Extreme Gear, constantly dodging laser blasts by the skin of his teeth and taking any opportunity to fire potshots at the oncoming dragon. Every so often the dragon slapped its wings together, creating a compressed blast of air that threatened to shred Sonic’s bones to dust, but Sonic’s Extreme Gear was simply too fast to hit, and the numerous pieces of rubble were beginning to take their toll on the mighty Ultimate Dragon.
It was flying slower, more unevenly, and it was covered in wounds. It attempted to hit Sonic with a strong Neutron Blast, but every shot fired simply dissipated as quickly as it was formed. The enormous strain of remaining airborne finally proved too much, and Blue-Eyes ceased its flight to lie on the ground, helpless to stop Sonic from coming up to him slowly on his board, before dismounting to stand over his opponent.
“Alright, Eggman, or whoever you are, you should know that stuff like this isn’t enough to take down the Sonic Heroes! So learn to respect that, or at least try a little harder.” Sonic taunted, as he knelt down to stare Ultimate Dragon right in the face.
“And this…” Sonic continued, raising his fist, “is for Whisper.”
In a last ditch effort, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon fired its last Neutron Blast right in Sonic’s face, sending the hedgehog reeling backwards, clutching his once pristine features and screaming in pain. When he finally revealed his face again, half of it was permanently scarred. For the first time in the entire battle, Sonic felt truly angered, as he once again met the Ultimate Dragon face to face, before quietly taking hold of its neck and giving it a firm twist, snapping the bones and sinew and killing it instantly. Much like it’s younger brethren, the dragon simply vanished into blue sparks, leaving a card behind.
Anger still blazing in his eyes, Sonic didn’t intend on falling for the same trick twice. He simply waited, watching as the sparks dissipated in the storm, all evidence of the battle being washed away by the floods. The water was up to Sonic’s ankles, but he hardly noticed, too focused on the prospect of finishing the battle for good and saving the people from these monsters.
Just as he predicted, the sparks returned and began reforging themselves into the shape of another dragon, except this time it only had one head. Yet the overall form seemed sleeker than the bulky Blue-Eyes White Dragon, it’s curves sharper and more angular, more futuristic. Then the sparks disappeared with a pop, and what remained was the scourge of Anubis, the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon.
“Alright…so you wanna keep coming back for more? That’s fine. But every time you do, you threaten my friends. You threaten my home. And you threaten our way of life. You represent everything disgusting and deceitful about Eggman. So I can’t let you continue breathing.” Sonic growled, as his fur began to turn dark with rage, his eyes losing their emerald-green pupils.
Even Shining Dragon had to step back, anxious, as Sonic changed into a new form. “I see the only way to defeat a raging monster…IS TO BECOME ONE!”
An explosion from within Sonic himself erupted outward with incredible force, blowing the Shining Dragon off its feet and smashing it onto its back, bearing witness to the arrival of a god, corrupted by hatred and rage and fear.
Dark Sonic had come.
“Alright. Let’s finish this!” Sonic bellowed. The Blue-Eyes, though it could not speak, rose to its feet and roared, seemingly echoing Sonic’s own battle cry. As a flash of lightning struck the earth between them, starting a fire on the grass, the two rivals charged.
Before Shining Dragon could even make a move, Dark Sonic had already begun to deliver a brutal series of punches and kicks, as the great beast’s head was violently rocked back and forth by the incredible power Sonic had attained. Sonic concluded his brutal beatdown with an uppercut that sent Shining Dragon careening into a nearby building, hitting it with enough force to bring the entire structure down and crush the street below.
Normally Sonic would have been satisfied, sitting back to wait for the enemy to counter so he could make some snarky quip and dodge the attack, but now he continued to attack, kicking and blasting his foe over and over again, not letting up for even a second. Every time the dragon attempted to flee, Sonic grabbed its tail, swung it around, and tossed it into another building. Soon the entire city block was nothing but chunks of battle debris strewn all over the once pristine roadways. The dragon itself lay spread-eagled across the highway, crying. Its tears mixed with its shimmering blood to splatter the ground with what seemed to be chunks of stardust.
Sonic stared in silence, waiting to make sure the dragon was truly down for the count this time, it’s spirit truly broken. Seconds turned into a minute, and still nothing. Satisfied with his handiwork, Sonic chuckled darkly at the beast’s misfortune, dropping his guard for just a moment. And so he was unprepared when the dragon sliced away at Sonic’s skin, leaving an enormous scratch that began oozing blood. Surprised, Sonic didn’t try to defend himself from more wing slashes cutting deep gouges into his skin. Then, without warning, the dragon slapped Sonic with its tail in a fraction of a second, yet with enough force to make the hedgehog cough up blood.
Wishing to end things immediately, Shining Dragon flew high into the air, going faster and faster as it passed the exosphere, until at last it flew at the very edge of space. Then, it turned and began flying back to the surface, increasing speed exponentially as it reached terminal velocity. At that point, it also began charging up its Shining Nova power, glowing as bright as an exploding star as it approached Ground Zero.
From beneath a pile of bricks, Sonic stirred. Lifting the refuse off of him, he slowly rose to his feet and began limping to the middle of the street, attempting to find the Shining Dragon. Yet in all directions, there was nothing to be found…except for a loud ringing in his ears.
Confused, Sonic looked up, and covering his entire vision was the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, its enormous wings seemingly shrouding all of heaven.
Sonic considered running for a second. He was probably fast enough to escape the ensuing crashdown. But then he realized what he was saying, and he scolded himself. Running was the coward’s way out. It was what the old Sonic would have done. But he had changed. And now he would prove it.
And so he stood his ground and leered at his foolish opponent. Cracking his knuckles and baring his teeth, Sonic roared into the heavens “BRING IT ON, YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS TRASH! COME DOWN HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR WINGS AND STUFF THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT AND CHOKE THE LIFE FROM YOUR VERY SOUL! YOU. WILL. DIEEEE-!”
The nuclear payload hit the ground with such tremendous force, it created tsunamis on the coast, earthquakes of Magnitude 10, and a blast powerful enough to wipe out what was left of the city, minus KaibaCorp. All that remained was a flat, ashen landscape, with KaibaCorp standing as the sole outlier.
A massive, 50-foot deep crater had been formed by the dragon’s collision with the scorched earth, one that Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon flew out of quickly, it’s massive wings darkening the moon and turning it a shade of blue-chrome. And at the very bottom was Sonic, lying with his limbs in awkward positions, his dark powers overtaxed, and his bones crushed. All the blackness drained from his fur, and his eyes regained their spark of life.
But even still, Sonic was powerless to stop the Blue-Eyes from sticking its head into the hole and charging up yet another laser blast, one that Sonic was sure would kill him in an instant if it connected. The savior of Mobotropolis racked his brains in an attempt to find something, anything, that he could use to escape. And then he realized…he was surrounded by soft dirt.
“Duh.” Sonic said to himself, embarrassed, as he began channeling Chaos energy into his body from within the planet’s core. The life energy did its work, embedding itself into Sonic’s bones and marrow and slowly healing them, removing the scars and repairing his broken skeleton. It was working, but too slowly. The Shining Dragon was about to attack…
“Guess that’ll have to do.” Sonic concluded, cutting off his healing. Then, in a split-second, he burrowed through the nearby dirt and disappeared from sight. Luckily, he just barely missed the following beam shot, which was so strong that it tore a hole all the way to the core of the planet and struck the lava swimming within, reacting with it as it combusted and began to bubble out.
Sonic didn’t really know or care at that moment, though. He was just happy to be alive, as he finished healing his wounds. When he was finished, he glanced around, noticing that he was under immense quantities of dirt. He tried to dig back out, but the force of gravity was against him, and the bedrock was too tough to break. He tried over and over, digging in all directions, but it was no use.
“Goddamit! I save myself from being burnt to a crisp by that overgown lizard, and now I get to die in a hole?!” Sonic ranted, before his eyes glazed over, and he quietly took a seat.
“Well…I guess if that’s true…I had a good run. And it’s a good place to go. Just me, the dirt, and that Wisp Capsule.” Sonic mused, looking around once more with a content expression. It took him about 3 seconds before his eyes opened wide.
“A Wisp!” Sonic exclaimed, rushing to examine it. “Please be yellow, please be yellow, please be yellow…” Sonic pleaded, before opening his eyes to see the universe was shining on him once again. “WAHOO!” Sonic cheered, as he boosted through the capsule and absorbed the Drill Wisp into his body. Without hesitation, he activated it, turning into a massive drill that began spinning towards the surface.
Far aboveground, the Shining Dragon was celebrating its apparent victory, until it heard a faint rumbling sound from below its feet. Intrigued, the beast looked toward the ground, its eyes almost touching the dirt, and it could hear the rumbling growing ever louder. Somewhat nervous, the dragon began spreading its wings…
…right as Sonic came up from underground and drilled right into Shining Dragon’s Eye!
Roaring with pain, the beast flailed all over the place, clutching its eye with its sharp wings and accidentally doing even more damage. Soon, both of its eyes welled with think masses of aqua-tone blood, and its lasers were fired haphazardly, destroying the clouds high above the hedgehog’s head.
Knowing the beast was far too dangerous even in its weakened state, Sonic ran at top speed to close the gap between the two, dodging blast after blast and even kicking through a couple of them with his sheer willpower. When he was close enough, he started charging up yet another spindash, only this time he also infused it with the power of the Insta-Shield. When he released the power, it not only broke through the dragon’s neck, it cleaved the beast in two like a hot knife through butter, as the decapitated corpse that was once Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon collapsed beneath Sonic’s feet.
Thinking that he could be safe for a moment, Sonic breathed a sigh of relief, only to be immediately cut short by a strange voice coming from within the dragon itself!
“Attention, strange furry rodent! This is the Domino City Police Squadron, and we are ordering you to stand down!”
“Well, see…that’s already strike numero uno. Calling me a rat, and all. I’m a HEDGEHOG. Not hard to get right. Second, Sonic cannot be tied down by the rules of society! He’s a free spirit, coming and going as he pleases!” Sonic boasted.
From within the Domino Police Station, the dispatch officer looked puzzled, as he turned to face the other comms team members. “Hey, you think it’s weird he’s addressing himself in the third person like that?” he questioned, as everyone else nodded their head.
“You have caused immeasurable damage to the city! Stand down or you will be considered a threat!”
“Look, I didn’t wanna start a fight. The stupid dragon just happened to have a bone to pick with my spine.”
“WHAT!?”
Startled, everyone turned towards the door to see Seto Kaiba barging in, slamming the door behind him, absolutely livid.
“How…DARE…you insult my Blue-Eyes White Dragons, you snake!”
“Uh, again, HEDGEHOG. Although I have fought a snake. He was also part-robot. And his name was Lyric. Kind of dumb, yeah, but clearly the game was rushed and all that so they couldn’t develop him.” Sonic explained, rambling a bit.
Lost as to what the hedgehog was talking about, Kaiba’s eyes narrowed. Very slowly, he put his finger on the intercom button, as the room turned quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Then, with an air of formality to his voice, Kaiba commanded “By order of KaibaCorp, stand down and come in for questioning!”
“Oh, sorry. But there’s one thing you should know, and it’s that…
Kaiba was absolutely livid. The workers in the room tried to hold in their laughter, but eventually the dispatch officer slipped up and let out a small chuckle. Mortified, he tried to cover it up, but Kaiba’s ears were as sharp as a tack. He whirled on the horrified officer and slapped him across the face, sending the man crashing into the wall.
“Get him out of my sight! And get me the KaibaCorp militia on the ground! We need to stop this immediately!” Kaiba ordered.
“Y-yes, SIR!” the others saluted, getting to work on contacting KaibaCorp’s task force.
Elsewhere, the voice from within the dragon ceased, and it disappeared once more into the telltale blue sparkles. The revival this time, however, was much swifter, as the particles didn’t even have time to vanish before they once more reforged themselves, this time becoming the vengeful product of Kaiba’s seething rage against the pharaoh, the bringer of chaos and apocalypse, the Blue-Eyes Chaos MAX Dragon.
Sonic wasn’t even fazed this time, as he simply groaned and shrugged his shoulders. “You know, the first couple times that might have been kinda surprising. Now it’s just getting old! I thought maybe I could finish this without having to use this, but…I guess I really gotta seal the deal. Just know that you wanted this, K?”
Sonic bent on one knee and began feeling for more Chaos energy throughout the planet. Specifically, in 7 places, the 7 Gaia Temples spread across all the continents.
“‘Chaos Emeralds! I need your help! C’mon and give me a hand!'” Sonic mentally urged. And as quick as lightning, the Emeralds burst out of the Gaia temples and began converging in the skies above Domino City, rearranging themselves into a circle before slowly descending, lighting the horizon with their multicolored radiance.
Slowly, the Emeralds encircled Sonic, beginning to spin faster and faster, until at one point they ceased being individual and were just a single, rapidly spinning rainbow ring of destruction. With a final shout of “HAH!”, the Emeralds were absorbed into Sonic’s body and lit up the dark arena with pure light, a blinding one that even the mighty MAX Dragon had to recoil at.
Upon stepping out of the light, Sonic had drastically changed. He was now glowing golden, his spines were sticking up, his eyes gleamed a burning crimson red, and he emanated power-no, he defined power. The energy of Chaos swirled within him, fueled by Sonic’s desire for a challenge. Sonic had now become Super Sonic.
“That’s more like it!” Sonic exclaimed, flexing his muscles and tapping his foot on the ground, leaving little ash-prints with each step. After he had become reacquainted, he turned with careful deliberation to face his adversary, who was still flapping its wings in preparation. Except now its wings were so massive that every beat sent a piece of wreckage skyward.
“You know what.” Sonic continued, looking at the destroyed city, “maybe they were right. We should finish this…” before he pointed to the clouds, “up there, where no one can get hurt.”
The dragon paused for a moment, seemingly hesitant and anxious, but eventually dipped its massive head and began flapping harder, traveling increasingly higher in the sky with every wingbeat. Cracking a smile, Sonic rocketed upward at a much faster pace, so that he reached the exosphere a full minute before MAX Dragon, who looked clearly a little annoyed at being shown up.
Little did both of them know that there was also something else in space with them: a hidden camera, directly linked to a KaibaCorp satellite on the opposite side of the planet that was broadcasting to Japan as they spoke.
“Don’t lose that transmission!” Kaiba demanded, the workers cowering with fear as they nodded. “This battle could be useful for my new augmented reality dueling system…if that hedgehog just plays into my hands…”
Back in space, Sonic chuckled. “So, are ya ready, big boy?”
Chaos MAX Dragon growled.
“Good…then let’s FINISH THIS!”
Sonic began by blitzing the slow dragon, attacking it at least a thousand times a second, before kicking it in the back HARD. Blue-Eyes didn’t even have time to process Sonic’s speed before he was violently jolted back and forth before being pushed by a strong force into a nearby satellite, denting it in the process. Shaking it off quickly, Chaos MAX Dragon launched a thousand laser bursts from its wings, all targeting Sonic.
Thinking fast, Sonic yelled “CHAOS CONTROL!” and disappeared. Stunned, MAX Dragon failed to notice Sonic reappearing behind it, and by the time it felt a warm breath on its neck, Sonic was already delivering yet another series of combos to the dragon’s face, every punch making the great beast feel more and more woozy. Sonic concluded with an axe kick straight to the dragon’s stomach, pushing it upward and leaving itself vulnerable. Taking his chance, Sonic grabbed the tail and spun it around so fast that he became a golden tornado, before throwing the massive behemoth at the moon.
Chaos MAX Dragon may not have been able to stop his forward momentum, but he did manage to get off a single burst of shots on Sonic before he collided with the planetoid. Sonic, too distracted by witnessing his handiwork, was unable to get off his Chaos Control before being sniped by all 1000 lasers at once, staggering him and pushing him back several light years. Sonic was dazed, but not really hurt, minus a single drop of blood.
Seeing his chance to counterattack, MAX Dragon dislodged itself from the moon, leaving an enormous crater behind as it charged towards Sonic as fast as it could. Deciding to meet the dragon head on, Sonic let loose his Super Sonic Boost and dashed forward at speeds beyond even light, ready to give the dragon the royal beating it so richly deserved. But just before Sonic extended his fist…
WHAM!!
Chaos MAX Dragon faked him out and unleashed a wing smash onto Sonic’s head, creating an audible THUMP as Sonic was caught between them. When they were retracted, Sonic was too woozy to stop MAX Dragon from tail-swiping Sonic once more, sending the golden hedgehog so far that he smashed into Mercury, and then recoiled upon feeling how hot it was.
“Ooh, Hot, Hot, HOT! I need that to stay un-crispy!” Sonic whined as he rubbed his behind. But the sharp pain did help clear Sonic’s mind, and he got an idea. He turned around and grabbed hold of the planet tightly, ignoring the burning pain present in his palms, and began to release the full power of Chaos Control.
“HRRRAAAAGGGHHH!” Sonic shouted, as he enveloped the entire planet with green energy. When the entire surface was shrouded in the power of Chaos, Sonic placed his hand on the side, and gave Mercury a casual flick.
Except that flick translated into the equivalent of 50 million megaton bomb colliding with the planet’s surface, causing the enormous planet to rocket away like it was strapped to nitro boosters, shattering Venus into chunks along the way.
“Here’s a package for you! No charge on delivery!” Sonic yelled, even though no one could hear him scream.
The Chaos MAX Dragon was too busy roaring and showing off to the people below that it failed to notice the 300 quintillion ton boulder flying his way and slamming into him, all in the blink of an eye.
Mercury flew past Earth, destroyed Mars, and wiped out half the asteroids in the belt without slowing down. On the other side, Chaos MAX Dragon attempted to slow down the massive hurtling asteroid, continuously punching it with its wings. The odor of hot gas wafted behind, so the dragon chanced a quick peek to see they were hurtling towards Jupiter. Desperate to not be destroyed by the cosmic storms, it punched even faster, ORAORA style, and ultimately stopped the impromptu projectile mere inches before the Dragon touched the Great Red Spot.
If the dragon could express emotions beyond rage, it would have breathed a deserved, yet short-lived sigh of relief, cut off by a whining noise. Before the thought of the source could process itself, Super Sonic body slammed right into the dragon, drilling a massive hole through the planet and splitting it into two halves.
“ALRIGHT! TIME TO ROCK AND ROLL!”
Stunned, the dragon drifted out into space, leaving Sonic enough time to grab both halves of the planet with one hand each, and then use his immense strength to literally smash the two halves of Mercury together, catching Chaos MAX Dragon in the middle and reducing it to little more than a blue jelly stain on the rocks.
Sonic pulled the two halves apart once more and marveled at his handiwork. “Get it? ROCK and Roll? Cuz…it’s a huge rock…wait, you’re dead, what am I doing?!”
Worn out from the battle, Sonic used Chaos Control to hold his half of the planet in place, allowing him to stick Mercury back together and then quickly push it back to where it had originate from. Along the way he also tried to put Mars and Venus together again, but it proved significantly harder. The scars remain to this very day.
When the solar system had been straightened out, Sonic took a minute to rest on a nearby moon, walking around it to get his legs warmed up for the long flight back. In the meantime, he thought about his friends back on Earth, and whether they would be worried. Sonic’s communicator was gone, lost in the battle somewhere. Not a huge loss, but it had some sentimental value.
“Welp, time to head back I guess.” Sonic muttered, standing up and blasting off towards Earth. But before he could make it back to Domino City…
“Yeah, yeah, let’s get it over with.” Sonic sighed, turning to face the sun. From within its depths, a blazing light emerged, and with it came the arrival of light, hope, destruction, and creation, spreadings its wings and taking flight, pas the stars and across the galaxies. The Deep-Eyes White Dragon had finally deigned to appear, letting loose the mightiest roar of all, one that shook the very heavens themselves.
“Oh, wow…you’re a bigger boy than last time. But hey, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!” Sonic taunted, his golden aura flaring to life once again. Confident the bout would end the same way it did last time, Sonic attempted to strike Deep-Eyes at blinding speed once again…
…only to have his attack be caught by Deep-Eyes!
“H-huh!?” Sonic protested, as his arm was being crushed by Deep-Eyes. He tried to pull it free, but the dragon’s iron grip was far too strong, and getting tighter all the time. Finally, Deep-Eyes pulled Sonic in close and lowered its massive head so that his snout was level with Sonic’s face, so the hedgehog could get a full dose of hot, steamy breath into his nose.
“Ooo-wee! That is nasty! Two words: breath mint.” Sonic joked, fanning his face in an attempt to rid himself of the smell, but clearly Deep-Eyes wasn’t in the mood for comedy, as it pulled its wing back and slammed it into Sonic’s gut all in one move. Immense pain surged through the hedgehog’s body, and he was forced to double over in pain, wheezing to get the air back in his lungs. While he was distracted, Deep-Eyes tail-slapped the ‘hog, bit down hard on his neck and tossed him around like a ragdoll, and picked up the nearby Ganymede moon to smash it in Sonic’s face full force, before finally unleashing a powerful laser attack that completely eclipsed Sonic’s body and went on to destroy a star far away, the miniature supernova just barely visible.
As the attack subsided, Sonic was barely conscious. He was still Super, but only just. He couldn’t even raise a finger to defend himself, for his wounds ran too deep. Satisfied, Deep-Eyes readied itself to deliver the coup de grace.
Sonic stared with wide eyes, but then conceded. His face adopted a look of resignation, as he prepared for the end. But as Deep-Eyes prepared to wipe Sonic off the map, Sonic hid the smallest of grins beneath an impassive disposition.
He closed his eyes, concentrating heavily, channeling even more Chaos Energy than he ever had before to make a miracle from years before happen again. The Chaos Emeralds left Sonic’s body, returning him to normal. But as he focused, energy from the cosmos surrounded him, penetrating the Emeralds and making them twinkle like diamonds. Slowly, they grew larger, until they were about the size of basketballs, and once again they circled Sonic and formed a rainbow disc before being absorbed.
Another shining light emanated from Sonic, but this time it was more of a pure white than a gold, and it was far more potent, shining throughout the galaxy and dwarfing even the brilliance of Deep-Eyes White Dragon. When the light faded at last, Sonic had changed yet again. His quills still stood up, but now his body was off-white, rapidly changing between a multitude of colors. He took a step, and several afterimages were left behind, a hallmark of his unrivaled speed. By tapping into power beyond Chaos, Sonic had become Hyper Sonic.
This time, there were no sardonic quips to be had. Sonic simply gestured with his hand using a c’mon signal, before shifting into a Tae-Kwon-Do pose, keeping light on his toes. Deep-Eyes accepted the challenge, flapping its wings and preparing to strike.
One way or another, the conflict would be settled here.
Deep-Eyes charged at the arrogant hedgehog, ready to kill him once and for all. Sonic simply stood there, watching, waiting.
As Deep-Eyes launched a claw strike at the unmoving rodent, ready to choke the life out of him, Sonic vanished. Surprised, the dragon’s attack missed the mark completely, and it struck only empty space. Without warning, it was struck from behind with immeasurable force, propelling it forward so that it struck the asteroids that made up Saturn’s ring, each individual rock striking it in the face and drawing large quantities of blood.
Annoyed, Deep-Eyes grabbed the next meteor and crushed it with its claws, scattering rock chunks everywhere. Angered at first, the feeling of the rock crumbling its grasp gave Deep-Eyes an idea.
It gathered all the nearby uncrushed asteroids and reduced them to pebbles, before flying behind them and unleashing its strongest wind blast yet. The air pressure sent all the rocks flying back towards earth like a hailstorm of stones, ready to smash right into Sonic’s face.
The hedgehog, still waiting for the fight to continue, just barely dodged the first pebble before it zoomed off to be burned by the sun.
“Ookayyy…” Sonic said, confused. But as he turned around, his questions were immediately answered by the rest of the stones catching up and threatening to engulf Sonic in a tide of earthen destruction.
Sonic simply chuckled. “Hmph. Finally, a real challenge!” he taunted, as he faced the coming rockslide head on. As each rock approached, Sonic used his incredible speed to slip between the gaps, no matter how tight, flipping and limboing and handstanding through it all. When Sonic spotted an enormous cluster of rocks with no room to dodge at the very end, he tapped into Chaos’s power once more and yelled “CHAOS CONTROL!”, stopping time and allowing the godlike rodent to simply toss the rock to the side.
Deep-Eyes was unsure of whether or not the attack had succeeded, so it bided its time in the skies above Saturn, torching a few boulder structures along the way. It was just about to make its fourth pass around Thalos III when Sonic gave the dragon a hard punch to the face out of nowhere, sending it crashing into a Stonehenge like monument and destroying it.
Picking itself out of the wreckage, Deep-Eyes launched into the stratosphere and began a fierce tussle with Hyper Sonic. Claw struck hand, wing beat against spine, as the two went at it with their strongest blows. Every time Sonic landed a hit and dented the nose of Deep-Eyes, it retaliated with a scratch that left a scar across Sonic’s eye.
The squabble continued for a bit, until finally they dispersed after giving each other one last smack across the face. Deep-Eyes looked terrible, and Sonic fared only slightly better due to the protection given by the Super Emeralds. Both were breathing heavily, on the verge of collapse, and realized the next move would most likely determine the outcome of the conflict.
Deep-Eyes, using all of it’s remaining reserves of strength, began powering up one final laser burst, the Deep-Eyes Cannon, to fire and wipe out not just Sonic, but the whole planet in its destructive rage. Sonic absorbed more cosmic energy to build up his power to the point where he could unleash his most devastating technique. Soon, he was ready.
“Now I just gotta hope this works…”
After some moments of palpable silence, Deep-Eyes finally fixated its head on Sonic, before opening wide and releasing its ultimate attack. The mere firing of the laser brought about a light that blotted out all stars, and yet Sonic was not focused on it. His eyes were squarely on the dragon’s stomach, it’s weakest point.
Closer…closer…
“NOW! HYPERRRRR…FLAAAAAASH!” Sonic yelled, as he dashed forward at immeasurable speeds, every second punctuated by the sound of a sonic boom or distorted ripples in reality, every flash Sonic gave off slicing nearby asteroids to ribbons.
Sonic slammed into the laser and began a power struggle, trying to push through and failing as Deep-Eyes shot another laser from its ring to increase the beam’s power. As Sonic was forced back, he could feel some of the molecules of his skin being vaporized by the beam’s intense heat.
Yet still, Sonic did not yield. He kept boosting as fast as he could, going past his limits and achieving a speed beyond infinity.
“HYPER BURST FLASH!” Sonic screamed at the top of his lungs, boosting faster and drawing more strength from within, until finally he burst through the laser blast! But he didn’t stop there. He kept boosting right into Deep-Eyes’ chest and cut through it like spear, before grabbing its tail and continuing to boost faster and faster, crossing millions of miles in milliseconds, until they reached the sun.
“Annnnd…” Sonic began, preparing to throw, “so long!”
With that, Sonic tossed the dragon hard, propelling it into the burning star, witnessing as the beast slowly began burning to a crisp in the heat. And then, to seal the deal, Sonic took aim and materialized an energy ball.
“Sayonara…Deep-Eyes White Dragon.”
The ball was fired and pierced the core of the burning gas giant. Seconds later, it erupted into a full-blown supernova, one that spread across the solar system and incinerated every planet in its wake. Sonic himself only survived because of his Super Form’s protection.
But it was worth it to see the Deep-Eyes permanently destroyed. Nothing remained of it, not even the trademark blue sparks. And as Sonic anticipated the arrival of another Blue Eyes form, it never came. Sonic had destroyed the clan at long last.
“Wow…that was tight!” Sonic murmured, before focusing yet again. With a wave of his hand, Sonic used the power of Chaos and the Emeralds to repair the damage done, restoring the sun to its rightful glory and ridding the planets of ash and crimson fires. Everything seemed as it should be…except without Deep-Eyes.
For a moment, Sonic looked wistful at the realization that he had slaughtered 5 dragons. A tear almost slid down his cheek. But eventually he stopped and looked back at where the battle had begun, a little green mass in a sea of endless turquoise, and he longed to return.
“Huh…hope Tails saved an extra chili dog for me.” Sonic wished, as he zoomed back to Domino City. It was time to find out who was behind all of this.
: Welp, looks like the dragons are finally extinct. At least, in THIS dimension…
: Aw, what!? That’s fuckin’ bullshit, I demand a do-over! This was supposed to be fixed so I’d win the bet!
: Shadow, I’m touched. Not many rivals go out of their way to actively kill each other in the way you do! I’m flattered.
: Damn faker…
: Welp, time to pay up, short stack!
: Yeah, okay, here’s the damned 500 rings I promised you-CHAOS SMOKE BOMB!
: Oh, OH, that is NASTY! What’s in that smoke bomb anyway? And where the hell did he go, he still owes me the dough! Why am I rhyming, this is really bad timing! Jeez, I did it again, the madness will stop when?
: As we reach the end, my short-tempered friend. Anyway, this fight was definitely an interesting one, and the result isn’t as clear-cut as it would seem initially. But in the end, Sonic had enough going for him to put him on top, so might as well dissect this piece by piece, starting with the essential stat trinity.
: The Blue-Eyes are certainly strong, being able to scale to Zorc using telekinesis to cause a solar eclipse. This feat has been calculated to be around 5.6 Yottatons, or Large Planet Level. Pretty impressive, and Blue-Eyes’ later forms after Ultimate Dragon should be stronger than that. The problem is, we don’t know HOW much stronger. The Blue-Eyes don’t get stronger in any sort of linear progression, so how much stronger each Blue-Eyes is than the last is impossible to truly determine. So we’ll lowball this and say Deep-Eyes White Dragon, the strongest Blue-Eyes Form, is around this level of power.
: Sonic’s power…kinda runs the gambit really. The only sure thing about Sonic is that his base form is unequivocally weaker than even the original Blue-Eyes, which sits at Planet Level+. There is some decent arguments to be made for Multi-Continent to Planet level Base Sonic, such as defeating the core of a planet swallowing black hole, defeating Ultimate Emerl powered by all 7 Chaos Emeralds(who Gerald Robotnik stated could destroy the planet), or damaging Semi-Perfect Dark Gaia’s eyes(Dark Gaia was one stage away from destroying the world through physical force and thus his durability should be roughly the same as AP). It should be noted, however, that Sonic only damaged Master Core with Gravity Dives, only accessible with the Ark of the Cosmos. However, the actual gravity dive is really just a gravity powered Sonic Boost, and the game happened 10 years ago, so it is possible that Sonic has gotten strong enough to the point where he can match the power he attained with one Ark using his standard Sonic Boost. So, according to one of the rules we established earlier, we’ll give Sonic the benefit of the doubt and say he’s Multi-Continent to Planet level. Even with this, however, Sonic still cannot scratch Blue-Eyes.
: Then explain how he wins! Immediately!
: Well, that’s why I’m called the fastest thing alive and not the strongest.
: Indeed, Sonic was definitely faster than the Blue-Eyes. The fastest speed feat Blue-Eyes has ever exhibited was when the original flew 250 miles into space in about 30 seconds, which is about Mach 39. There is another instance of Deep-Eyes White Dragon flying from the sun to Earth in about 10 seconds, but this is unusable due to being a simulation(There are three Earths in this sequence). So, Mach 39. Pretty fast, right? Maybe, but not compared to Sonic.
: Even at his lowest values for speed, Sonic is still Mach 71,000 via scaling to the Eggmobile flying to the moon. Last I checked, 71000 is about 1820 times faster than 39, and it just gets even crazier from there. Sonic can also scale to Shadow, who is able to control his movements while traveling on a circuit described as “lightspeed” not once, but twice, which puts Sonic’s speed at Relativistic+ to Speed of Light. This is also consistent with Sonic Colors DS, where Omega commented on how Sonic would soon pass lightspeed if he kept going. Even lowballing Sonic to only 50% the speed of light, Sonic would still be over 11,213 times faster than Blue-Eyes! Hot damn, Sonic is not getting hit by that thing any time soon, especially considering Blue-Eyes has NO AoE attacks to circumvent this issue.
: Buuuut…I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the point of Sonic being faster if he dies in one hit from these dragons and can’t hurt them?” And you know, fair point. Sonic doesn’t really have anything to insta-kill the Blue-Eyes, not even Chaos Control considering they can survive in space just fine. However, this is where Sonic’s forms come in and win the match for him.
: Most of Sonic’s transformations, like Darkspine and Excalibur Sonic, are one time deals that realistically shouldn’t be considered, but if they were included, both have feats that are Star Level via defeating Alf Layla Wa Layla and the Dark Queen, who either created/warped space that included a star. So both of them can one shot all of the Blue-Eyes. But the big one here is Super Sonic, who is rather inconsistent. He does have a consistent amount of feats that put him in the Universal tier, which is absolutely overkill, but for the sake of argument we’ll use the more consistent Large Planet level gotten when Sonic defeated Perfect Dark Gaia, who was destroying the planet. And with that, both Sonic and the Blue-Eyes seem relatively even. But then we get to speed and…hoo boy. If you thought Sonic was faster before, then get a load of this.
: In the finale of Sonic Advance 3, Sonic flies from Earth to the Nonaggression Zone, which is an unidentified rainbow colored patch of space known as a nebula, or a cluster of stars. It takes Sonic roughly six seconds to get here, which yielded two different results. The first, and lower one, was assuming Sonic flew to the Hyades cluster. However, since Eggman blew it up in Sonic Battle, the second one assumed it was the second closest cluster, Coma. Ultimately, these got 804 million c and 147 billion c respectively. To put that into perspective, 804 million c is over 1.8*10^13 times faster than Blue-Eyes! Yeah…it’s pretty clear that Super Sonic, even at his bare minimum, easily blitzes all of the Blue-Eyes White Dragons and kills them before they even have a chance to react. And Super Sonic can stay in his Super Form for a pretty long time, so there’s no chance the Blue-Eyes can simply outlast Super Sonic.
: I’d just like to drop in to point out how I’m the coolest, K? Bye.
: Oh, Koopa Crap!
: Koopa Cra-?
: Don’t judge me! Mmhmm…of course, none of this would matter if Sonic couldn’t even reach his Super form to begin with, but considering Sonic can easily outrun the Blue-Eyes and dodge all of their attacks, I think it’s safe to say Sonic can reach his Super form, where he proceeds to sweep up the rest of the dragons.
: Ultimately, the Blue-Eyes White Dragons put up a hard fight, but Sonic was just too fast. He’s got other advantages too, like intelligence and experience and whatnot, but you could probably see that for yourself.
: Looks like these guys are gonna be…seeing blue for a while. Hehe.
: Or black and blue.
: Hahaha, pretty good Shadow!…yeah…don’t hurt me.
: The winner is Sonic, the fastest thing alive(not really)
Winner: Sonic the Hedgehog ++Way faster, even in base form ++Super Sonic’s best(albeit debatable) feats of power eclipse about 99% of Yu-Gi-Oh!, let alone Blue-Eyes. +Overall more experienced +More intelligent, even if by just a bit +More versatile with his items, upgrades, and abilities with the Chaos Emeralds +More fighting skill =Transformation amount = Power(If you don’t accept Super Sonic’s higher end showings) -Overpowered in base form -Doesn’t have as much of a killer instinct
Loser: Blue-Eyes White Dragon Clan +More of a killer instinct +Stronger than Base Sonic overall =Amount of forms = Power(discounting the higher end showings of Super Sonic) -More predictable overall -Generally take orders from a master, and aren’t very organized on their own -Less versatile -Less experienced -Less intelligent –Get blitzed no matter what, meaning there is little chance of them hitting Sonic to begin with. And they don’t have any AoE to circumvent this –Super Sonic’s more debatable higher end feats shit all over Blue-Eyes, no questions asked.
Note: After this fight, new evidence came out showing Sonic can scale to the full power of the Eclipse Cannon, which can pierce stars. This feat came out to about 3.736 ninatons of TNT, well above anything the Blue Eyes can put out. As such, Sonic doesn’t even need his Super Form to win here.
As Sonic touched down on the planet’s surface, the Super Emeralds left his body and disappeared back to their original resting places, leaving Sonic with fully repaired wounds as a parting gift. Dipping his head in acknowledgement and deference to Chaos, he started towards KaibaCorp tower at top speed.
Seconds later, the door to Kaiba’s control room busted open, and Sonic casually stepped in. Kaiba’s guards held up their guns in an attempt to shoot Sonic, but he simply stopped time and destroyed all the weapons, leaving them to crumple to pieces as time moved forward again.
As the guards stood shocked, Sonic simply brushed past them and stood in the middle of the room, facing a chair turned the other way.
“Okay, so you’re not Eggman. Mind spilling the beans?” Sonic questioned.
“As I told you earlier…” the voice began, before the chair swiveled around to reveal the unknown speaker, “I am Seto Kaiba, head of the company you currently defile with your muddy shoes.”
Sonic looked down at his feet and saw how he had tracked mud in. “Sorry, your ‘majesty’.” Sonic remarked sarcastically, before reaching down and wiping the dirt off with one of the guard’s pant legs until it was sparkling clean.
Annoyed, Kaiba pinched the bridge of his nose before he continued on. “You should probably know, rodent, that I didn’t send my Blue-Eyes after you.”
“Oh yeah? Can’t wait to hear an excuse.”
“We were working with a new strain of VR technology, and it isn’t quite perfected yet. It did as we hoped, bring these creatures to life, but they were out of our control. You can see the results of our foolishness.” one of the scientists muttered, gesturing to the devastation outside.
“Yeah…?”
Kaiba produced a cylindrical glass tube from within his coat pocket, and held it out to Sonic. “We need some of that power you used to defeat Blue-Eyes. It’s critical to shutting down the main reactor and putting an end to this VR problem.”
“Are you sure?”
“After seeing it firsthand, I couldn’t be more positive.” Kaiba deadpanned.
Although Sonic was rather hesitant, eventually he caved and offered up the Chaos Emerald, draining a bit of energy from it and offering the essence to Kaiba, who accepted it quickly before wordlessly retiring to his study.
“Uh…you’re welcome?” Sonic grumbled, as he headed outside, immediately receiving a transmission from Knuckles.
“Hey, Sonic! Ya there?”
“Yeah, Knux. Doin’ just fine. Sorry I lost touch, but…it’s complicated.”
“I could tell. But listen, you gotta come quick. Neo Metal Sonic is launching an attack on the base! He’s got every Badnik-SILVER WATCH YOUR LEFT!-every Badnik he’s got storming us from all sides! We need help!”
“Don’t worry Knuckles, I’m on my way!” Sonic promised, kicking it into high gear and racing off at light speed. “I just hope I’m there in time…Wait, why am I worried? I’ll be there in time to pick up donuts too!” Sonic boasted as he tore across the waves and disappeared from sight.
Back in Kaiba’s room, he anxiously threw all the objects on his desk onto the floor and placed the sample of Chaos power within a transport tube, taking the vial down to the basement lab as Kaiba followed. Once there, the tube was inserted into the master computer, which fueled one of Kaiba’s new Duel Disk designs. When Kaiba called out “Blue-Eyes White Dragon, COME FORTH!” and slapped the card onto the disk, the dragon was summoned yet again. Only this time, it remained perfectly still. Even so, Kaiba could see the rising and falling of its chest. It breathed, like a real animal.
As Kaiba reached his hand out, the beast hesitated, and then let Kaiba rest his fingers on its snout. Incredibly, though, he could actually touch it without going through. The dragon was a hologram no longer.
“‘Excellent! Now that my new Duel Disk system is finally completed, all the pieces will soon come together! Get ready, Atem…for the rematch of a lifetime!“
Kaiba laughed harder than he ever had before as the lights blacked out, the shadow of the dragon flickering on the wall as it roared to the sky.
: Two titanic monstrosities, brimming with pure evil and spiteful malice, have roamed an unassuming world for several years.
: And now, they will meet at last, and prove once and for all who is the greater force of malevolent darkness.
: Eugene “Snotty Boy” Beady, the scourge of farm animals.
: No super long intro this time, don’t care, didn’t ask, monke time.
JJ's Writing Corner 