Link vs Amaterasu: Smackdown Warm-Up!

: Okay so maybe I was a little exaggerative last time in my assessment of being “the end of DA” but well, the only reason I can make this is because it’s not part of the new Deviantart so what does that say.

 

: Either way, welcome back to the Slider Show. Where today, we’ve got a true clash of legends and gods. Quite literally!

: Since the beginning, there has always existed the age old conflict between light and dark, good and evil. When there is a new foe rising to destroy the land, a valiant hero stands to fight them. They create legacies that span generations, each of their offspring taking up the fight once more ad infinitum. And these two are the perfect encapsulation of this age-old theorem.

: Link, the wielder of the Triforce of Courage and the Hero of Ages.

: And Okami Amaterasu, the sun deity of Nippon.

: Now, of course, there are many different versions of Link, some of them having direct thematic ties to Amaterasu. Like how the Hero of the Wilds had a hundred year slumber, or how the Hero of Twilight can turn into a wolf. But for this battle, Link will be composited across the entire Zelda series.

: That’s nice. But furball’s gonna wash this elf boy any day of the week!

: Well either way I feel like very few people will be satisfied so let’s just get right into it. Time for a SMACKDOWN!

 

Name: Amaterasu
Age: 100
Aliases: Ammy, Origin of all that is good, Mother to Us All, Sun Goddess, Shiranui

 

Backstory: 

100 years prior to the events of Okami, Amaterasu’s descendant, Shiranui, fought against the mighty Yamato no Orochi alongside the Moon Tribe warrior Waka, before being forced to flee with the other Celestials in the Ark of Yamato down to the earth below. However, the Ark was filled with monsters that slew all the Celestials on board, while Shiranui waited until the birth of the legendary hero Nagi before confronting Orochi again, eventually slaying the eight-headed demon along with the sacred sword Tsukuyomi, which sealed the beast for a century. Afterwards, Shiranui died, a result of wounds gained from fighting the twin owl demons Lechku and Nechku in the future alongside Amaterasu. Upon Shiranui’s death, her spirit reincarnated into the goddess Amaterasu in the Celestial Plain, and for awhile there was peace. That is, until Orochi returned to invade Nippon a hundred years later, with Amaterasu having lost her Celestial Brush powers. So, with only the Poncle Issun as her companion, Amaterasu set out to slay Orochi once again alongside the warrior Susano, descendant of Nagi. After Orochi’s death, more evil appeared in the form of the fox Ninetails, the corrupt Blight, and ultimately the evil Lord of Darkness Yami. But with the power of the people’s faith behind her as a result of Issun’s actions as the new Celestial Envoy, Amaterasu slew Yami, departed back to the Celestial Plain in the Ark with Waka, and restored peace, even having a child in the form of Chibiterasu.

Personality:

Although Amaterasu doesn’t truly speak, she conveys a strong sense of justice and the desire to do what’s right, along with occasionally being somewhat playful with the other Brush Gods. Most of her meaning is portrayed by Issun, who himself is mainly a rather perverted individual, but will ultimately do the actions that need to be done, despite his somewhat headstrong nature.

Physicality:

Strength:

-At the beginning of her adventures in Nippon, could create up to 30 stars in the sky with her Celestial Brush.
-Power Slash can slice through crystal rocks with ease.
-Can dig through stone.
-Can smash rocks with her head.
-Helped Nagi and Susano slash through Orochi’s necks.
-Spun the Whirlpool Galaxy with Galestorm.
-Defeated Yami, who could easily destroy the Celestial Brush constellations.
-Her previous incarnation Shiranui could lift a massive boulder about to crush Nagi.

Speed:

-Can react to enemies that can intercept the Celestial Brush, which reached the Whirlpool Galaxy in a short time.
-Able to intercept a lightning strike and stop its movement with the Celestial Brush.
-Capable of running at speeds faster than professional athletes in Nippon.
-Can dodge Crimson Helm’s charge.

Durability:

-Shiranui, who Amaterasu is comparable to, survived a strike from Lechku and Nechku. While near death, she returned to the past to help Nagi slay Orochi before finally succumbing to her wounds.
-Survived an electrocution from Yami that destroyed the Celestial Brush gods.
-Endured the freezing cold of Kamui for extended periods of time.

Powers, Abilities, and Equipment:

Divine Instruments:

-A set of mystical weapons Amaterasu uses to combat the forces of darkness, gathered from all over Nippon, including:

–Divine Retribution: The very first weapon Amaterasu obtained, a basic reflector capable of blocking attacks before striking with a serrated disc.

–Snarling Beast: Forged from the remains of the horrific Spider Queen, this reflector is still imbued with her stinging bite.

–Infinity Judge: Reflector marked with the power of infinity.

–Trinity Mirror: Embodies the ideals of knowledge, faith, and power in order to strike foes with incredible force.

–Devout Beads: The first of the Rosary class of instruments obtained after bringing life back to Agata Forest. The beads can serve as either a long-range whip, or a projectile.

–Life Beads: Pulled from the corpse of Orochi’s servant Crimson Helm, these beads administer life-rending power to their target.

–Exorcism Beads: Obtained from the remnants of the Blight that corrupted the Emperor, these beads use holy light to drive back evil.

–Resurrection Beads: Use light to guide souls to their proper place.

–Tundra Beads: Use the power of the freezing cold to destroy enemies.

–Tsumugari: A reborn version of the Tsukuyomi sword that sealed True Orochi, this glaive has tremendous striking power.

–Seven Strike: A legendary seven-pointed blade, later copied by the demon Ninetails to create the Ninestrike.

–Blade of Kusanagi: A remnant of the beast Ninetails, this glaive can strike with all of the demon’s power.

–Eighth Wonder: A relic of an eight-armed beast god.

–Thunder Edge: A sword forged by the power of the monster Orochi at his most fearsome, this glaive uses the power of thunder to deliver tremendous striking power.

–Solar Flare: The weapon of the god Shiranui, obtained by the fusion of all 13 brush techniques to strike with a fire that burns away all shadows.

Brush Techniques:

-Abilities Amaterasu performs with her Celestial Brush. When it occurs, time halts around her as she raises the brush to the canvas encompassing the world itself, and alters it to her liking.

–Sunrise: Allows Amaterasu to summon the sun to make night turn to day.

–Rejuvenation: Allows Amaterasu to repair any broken objects.

–Power Slash: Enables Amaterasu to slice through almost any object, including trees, pottery, boulders, and more.

–Vine: Allows Amaterasu to grapple to nearby Konohana blossoms.

–Cherry Bomb: Lets Amaterasu plant up to three bombs at a time, which explode and deal heavy damage to anything nearby.

–Bloom: Allows Amaterasu to make withered plants or buds bloom, usually resulting in praise and items.

–Water Lily: Creates a lilypad on the water for Amaterasu to stand on, as she cannot swim very well herself.

–Waterspout: Allows Amaterasu to spread water onto any place she desires, either by summoning it from a nearby water source or making it pour from the sky. She can also use the ability to teleport between Mermaid Springs to get around Nippon quickly.

–Inferno: Essentially a fiery version of Waterspout, allowing Amaterasu to either summon fire from nearby torches or create a massive fireball to roast nearby enemies.

–Crescent: An inverse of Sunrise, allowing Amaterasu to summon the moon to turn day to night.

–Galestorm: Allows Amaterasu to summon the wind to blow nearby foes off their feet, as well as create a tornado to increase its power even further.

–Veil of Mist: Allows Amaterasu to slow down time around her.

–Blizzard: Lets Amaterasu freeze things with nearby ice sources or just generate ice herself.

–Thunderstorm: Amaterasu channels nearby lightning storms to blast foes with electricity. Upon improving the technique, she could create lightning herself.

–Catwalk: When facing statues of the god Kabegami, Amaterasu can create a pathway she can walk on to climb 90 degree inclines.

Holy Artifacts:

-Items Amaterasu collects to boost her capabilities.

–Fire Tablet: Allows Amaterasu to swim in fire and lava with no injury.

–Water Tablet: Allows Amaterasu to walk on water.

–Wooden Mat: Lets Amaterasu heal her wounds in exchange for currency.

–Golden Lucky Cat: Increases the distance Amaterasu can collect items from.

–Peace Bell: Drives normal enemies away from Amaterasu.

–Fog Pot: Allows Amaterasu to warp between Ultimate Origin Mirrors.

–Golden Ink Pot: Triples the speed Amaterasu recovers ink at (All of her Celestial Brush techniques use ink)

–Thief’s Glove: Allows Issun to steal important items from enemies.

–String of Beads: Upon collecting all 100 Stray Beads, the String is forged, giving Amaterasu unlimited health and ink for Celestial Brush techniques, along with increasing her strength tenfold.

–Astral Pouch: Revives Amaterasu instantly upon death if the pouch is full. Can carry up to 4 of them.

Consumable Items:

-Holy Bone: Allows Amaterasu to recover health.

-Steel Fist Sake: Increases Amaterasu’s attack power.

-Steel Soul Sake: Increases Amaterasu’s defense.

-Inkfinity Stone: Allows Amaterasu infinite ink capacity for a limited time.

-Exorcism Slip: Deals heavy damage to nearby enemies.

-Vengeance Slip: Enemies who damage Amaterasu are instead damaged themselves.

-Traveler’s/Godly Charm: Increases Amaterasu’s godhood to give her a barrier to deflect a certain amount of damage.

-Golden Peach: Instantly fills an Astral Pouch.

Dojo Techniques:

-Learned from Onigiri-sensei in his dojos around Nippon, these techniques boost Amaterasu’s fighting capabilities even further.

–Fleetfoot: Allows Amaterasu to dodge out of the way of attacks. Can be upgraded to counter attacks with Counter Dodge.

–Hardhead: Allows Amaterasu to smash boulders with her head that normally require Power Slash.

–Golden Fury: Amaterasu pisses on enemies to force them to drop Demon Fangs. Can be upgraded to Brown Rage to increase the Fangs collected.

–Spirit Storm: Increases the attack rate of Rosaries. Upgrading to Spirit Armageddon boosts the attack rate further.

–4 Winds: Adds another attack to Amaterasu’s Reflector combo, which can be upgraded to Five Winds to add another hit.

–3 Shears: Adds a third hit to Amaterasu’s glaive combo, which can be upgraded to add a fourth hit with 4 Shears.

–Holy Eagle: Lets Amaterasu make a second jump in midair, essentially serving as an improvement to her standard wall jump. Can be upgraded to Holy Falcon to allow the second jump to deal damage.

–Digging Champ: Lets Amaterasu dig through harder surfaces.

–Wailing Mirror: Increases the power of Amaterasu’s reflectors when both her weapon slots are equipped with them.

–Bead String: The rosary equivalent of Wailing Mirror.

–Sword Dance: The glaive equivalent of Wailing Mirror.

Issun:

-Amaterasu’s Celestial Envoy, and a member of the Poncle tribe.
-Most of the time Issun is mainly just there to make wisecracks and perverted comments about every girl he sees.
-However, he also provides useful information on where Amaterasu should go next.
-Armed with the sword Denkomaru, although his small size means it very rarely does any meaningful damage.

Feats:

-Recovered all 13 Brush techniques.
-Slew Orochi alongside Susano.
-Defeated Blight and saved Sei-an City.
-Recovered the Dragon Orb and the Fox Rods from within the Water Dragon’s belly.
-Scaled Oni Island and defeated Ninetails.
-Defeated Lechku and Nechku to stop the blizzard over Kamui. 
-Defeated all the monsters in the Ark of Yamato.
-Defeated Yami once and for all with the praise of the people of Nippon.
-Restored peace by returning to the Celestial Plain.

Weaknesses:

-The Celestial Brush uses ink, and if Amaterasu runs out, she must wait for it to recharge, and cannot use any brush techniques or Divine Instruments until that happens.
-Issun is largely useless in a fight.
-Taking too much damages causes the Celestial Brush gods to be destroyed, robbing Amaterasu of her powers until faith in her is restored.
-Is not at her full potential, as shown by the improved brush techniques of Shiranui.

“Hey Ammy! How about one of those famous victory howls of yours?”

 

 

Height: ~5’7″ to 5’8″ (varies)

Weight: ~135 lbs. (varies)

Age: 17 (varies)

Hair: Blond

Eyes: Blue

Origin: The Legend of Zelda

AKA: The Hero of Time, The Hero of Twilight, The Hero of Winds, The Chosen One, The Bearer of the Triforce of Courage, many more

Feats:
– Saved Hyrule innumerable times
– Constantly defeats giant monsters and other skilled swordsmen
– Saved Termina from being completely destroyed by Majora dropping the moon onto it
– Defeated Ganon, Gharahim, and other threats capable of wiping all life off of Hyrule at their strongest
– Even defeated a Ganon with the full Triforce, which supposedly gives its bearer immeasurable power: at the very least, power to control all of Hyrule with little effort 
– Is one of Nintendo’s most recognizable icons
– Has repeatedly defeated Dark Link

– Defeated Calamity Ganon and saved Hyrule, even without the Triforce of Courage.
– Survived bastardization at the hands of the CD-i games
– Became a Warriors character with the release of Hyrule Warriors
– Participated in every Smash game to date

 

Attributes

Strength
– Can lift Dangoro, and sumo wrestle giant gorons at base
– Matched blows with the likes of Demise and Ganondorf
– Can knock over foes several times his size with shield bashes
– With Golden Gauntlets, a Link with only peak-human strength could lift 1000+ tons: compounded with base-line Twilight Princess! Link’s superhuman strength, can lift well above even that (calculated to be a total of roughly 55,081 tons)
— Likely far higher, given that the Golden Gauntlets are described as having the strength “to move mountains”
— In other words, do this
Speed/Agility
– Exceedingly agile
– Can easily backflip, roll, etc., and jump massive heights with the Roc’s feather
– Base sprinting speed is at least as fast as Onox, making baseline running speed Mach 1941.5+
– This is tripled with the Pegasus Boots, which give him enough force to barrel through large trees and walls with inertia alone, then further multiplied by 1.68 with the Bunny Hood, making maximum sprint speed clock in at a minimum of Mach 9785+
– Lightning-speed reflexes: can block lightning bolts for days in Skyward Sword, and has reflexes sufficient to control his movement when moving at his item-enhanced top speed
— This gives him Sub-relatavistic reflexes
Durability/Endurance
– As a young child before being awakened as the Hero of Time, could survive getting ran over by a twenty-foot-tall boulder and get up only slightly bruised
– Can survive lengthy, full-body submersion in lava at base: it only minorly wounds him
– Can take multiple hits from Ganondorf/Ganon, Ghirahim, Majora, and similarly powerful threats at base, many of whom threatened to wipe all life off of the World and/or warp all of Hyrule, and sometimes even the world
– Continent-level threats are just another Tuesday for him
– Durability multiplied roughly 42 times with Great Fairy’s Blessing, Green Ring, and Blue Ring, Red Mail, and Blue Mail combined
– Can fight for days on end without fatigue
– Can act normally through multiple injuries
– Has only been portrayed to have be physically worn out by combat once… in a non-canon game, what’s more
Intellect/Skills
– Genius intellect
– Master puzzle-solver, strategist, adventurer, explorer, and analyzer
– 10+ generations of battle experience and various occupational knowledges
– Expert Archer and General Weapons Master
— Carries experience from past lives using similar items combined with intellect to master new items near-instantly
– Surprisingly Adept Boxer, Wrestler, and Martial Artist
— Unarmed strikes enhanced with Expert’s Ring to deal damage equal to his baseline bomb blasts
— Could wrestle and triumph over more experienced Goron sumo wrestlers
— Kicks and throws used most often in Smash
The Triforce of Courage

– Indomitable willpower
– Very high resistance to mind control/dark magics
Master Swordsman
– Noted by Orca to be in his blood, enabling instant mastery of swords even with zero combat experience
– Excellent 1-vs-1 duelist, represented in-game by Z-targeting mechanic
Regeneration
– Via the Heart Ring L-2
– Only active while moving
– Because that makes sense.
Can Merge With Paintings
– Limited time
Hammerspace
– Has it

Weapons

The Master Sword

– Link’s iconic sword
– “The Blade of Evil’s Bane”
– Repels evil, and can not be wielded by evil beings
– Indestructible
– Can reflect lightning/light-type energies
– Powerful enough, without upgrades, to defeat Ganondorf/Ghirahim/Majora/etc.
– Uses the Bombos, Ether, and Quake medallions to summon giant pillars of fire, freeze all enemies, and create massive earthquakes, respectively
Biggoron’s Sword
– Two-handed, has excellent reach and damage
– Link is unable to use his shield while using this
Four Sword
– Allows Link to create three clones of himself while wielded
Wooden Sword
– Because…?
Kokiri Sword
– More like a dagger, at his age
– Could be useful, if a smaller blade is needed
The Fairy Bow
– Fires arrows far faster than normal
– Range and damage further increased via the Sacred Bow upgrade
– Accuracy increased with Hawkeye enhancement
– Can be augmented with Bombs for Bomb Arrows, or Silver Arrows that instantly kill most evil creatures
Megaton Hammer
– Immense damage, slow
– Creates large shockwaves when swung
– Implied to strike with literal megatons of force: also classified as petajoule-class, or able to level entire sprawling cities in one hit with physical force alone
– Good thing it doesn’t do that in-game!!
Magic Hammer
– Functions similarly to the Megaton Hammer
Ball and Chain
– Massive damage and reach, can shatter giant ice blocks
– Limits his mobility
Bombs

– Variants include the walking Bomblings, wall-crawling Bombchus, and Water Bombs
– Doubled blast radius/power with Nice Bomb upgrade
– Super Bomb is one-time usage with massive damage and 3-second detonation delay, can’t harm Link
– Remote Bombs are remote-detonatable
– Giant Bombs create a larger, more damaging explosion
– Meteor Bombs send people plummeting downwards
– Bomb-proof Ring prevents his own bombs from damaging him
Boomerang
– Stuns enemies
– Can absorb fire and ice elemental energies
– Gale Boomerang surrounds the boomerang in a whirlwind
The Book of Magic + Magical Rod
– Creates magical fireballs that explode
Fire Rod
– Emits columns of fire
– Upgraded with the Nice Fire Rod
Ice Rod
– Fires icicles that freeze enemies
– Upgraded with the Nice Ice Rod
Tornado Rod
– Creates a damaging tornado that can also be used to launch Link into the air
– Upgraded with the Nice Tornado Rod
Slingshot
– Is a slingshot that fires pumpkin seeds

Armor

Hero’s Clothes
– Signature clothing, marks him as the hero
– Worn with a chainmail shirt
Goron Tunic
– Enables Link to withstand intense heat
Zora Tunic
– Gets rid of need to breathe air
Magic Armor
– Becomes completely invincible by consuming rupees upon suffering damage: the Wind Waker version does not passively drain rupees
– Can also attain invincibility by consuming magic: this is broken combined with the Chateau Romani
The Hylian Shield
– An indestructible shield given to Link by Lanayru
– Can block all manner of attacks
Mirror Shield
– Reflects energy-based attacks back to their source

Consumables

  

Blue Potion
– Fully restores health and magic
Guardian Potion+
– Renders Link invincible for 6 minutes
Bottles
– Store consumables, has 36 total
– Can somehow deflect magic
– Maybe just a gameplay mechanic…?

Other Gear

Twin Clawshots
– Allow him to zip around like James Bond/Spiderman/etc.
– Can pull objects
Cross
– Allow him to see invisible enemies
– Apparently Link was a Christian in one incarnation
Grappling Hook
– Can function as a tightrope for Link to walk across
Longshot
– Spring-loaded chain-spear
– Very long-range
– Can pull himself to distant locations with this item
Swimmer’s Ring
– Increase swimming ability
Protection Ring
– Prevents Link from suffering more than 1 heart of damage per hit, no matter how powerful
Green Holy Ring
– Resistance to lightning-based attacks
Steadfast Ring
– Reduces knockback inflicted upon him
Whisp Ring
– Prevents jinxs/curses from affecting Link
Lens of Truth
– Dispel illusions, slowly drains magic while in use
Deku Nuts
– Stun enemies when thrown
Beetle
– A flying, remote-controlled robot
Magic Powder
– Dispels curses
Gust Bellows + Gust Jar
– Suck in/ push away wind
– Gust Bellows is ultra-cheap in Smash
Lantern
– Lights up the dark
Mogma Mitts
– Allow Link to dig underground
Magnetic Gloves
– Attracts/repels magnetic objects
Iron Boots
– Ultra-heavy
– Give Link extra stability, at the cost of speed
Hover Boots
– Allow Link to temporarily hover in the air
Spinner
– WWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEE!!!
– Is useful if Link manages to find walls with grooves in them? (he can attach to and jump off of them)
Hero’s Charm
– Allows Link to see the remaining lifeforce of his enemies, essentially giving them health bars
Fishing Rod
– Is a fishing rod
Dominion Rod
– Allows Link to possess inanimate objects, such as statues
Sand Wand
– Can manipulate sand
Cane of Somaria
– Can create blocks of pure magical force, which can be manipulated or detonated like remote bombs
Cane of Byrna
– Consumes magic to create an indestructible shield
Blast Mask
– Emits explosions from Link’s face
Bremen Mask
– Allows Link to possess animals
Mask of Scents
– Heightens Link’s sense of smell
Wallet
– Best version comes with 99,999 rupees
– 500-600 rupees is standard-fare

Skills

Spin Attack
– Attacks everything in an area around him for double damage
– Can emit rings of magical energy at the cost of a small amount of magic, and can move while doing so
– Used in midair, it carries him higher into the air
– Enhanced with the Great Spin Attack upgrade
– Hurricane Spin attacks while moving
– Shocking Spin deals additional damage and applies lightning-elemental damage
– Whirling Leap does no damage, but sends Link forward a great horizontal and vertical distance
Jump Attack
– “HIIIYAAAAAAA!!”
– Deals double damage
– More powerful, 2-handed version, the Jump Strike, deals even more damage and emits a shockwave
Parry
– Quickly dodges, then counters an attack
Shield Attack
– A shield bash that stuns, and reflects projectiles
Sword Beam
– Fires lasers from wielded sword
– Can only be performed at full health
Back Slice
– Similar to Parry, evades attack then performs a rising slice from behind
Helmsplitter
– Jumps clean over an enemy and cleaves their skull in two
Rock Breaker
– Shatters giant rocks with physical strength alone
Roll Attack
– A forward roll followed by a guard-breaking lunge
– Can be canceled into a Spin Attack to catch foes off-guard
Skyward Strike
– Raises sword to the sky, then releases a crescent-shaped shockwave of holy energy that follows the arc of the blade
Mortal Draw
– Must stand completely still, with sword sheathed, to use
– Deals absolutely massive damage, instantly killing almost every enemy
– Derived from a real-life technique known as iaijutsu; this samurai art involved leaving a sword sheathed, then instantly drawing and striking with it at the very last second: the fact he is able to do this with a sword sheathed on his back that is straight, not curved is a further testament to his immense reflexes and skill
Ending Blow
– Leaps into the air, and fatally impales the enemy whilst leaping onto them
– Used on prone/stunned/otherwise vulnerable foes
– Is usually an instant-kill to anything that could logically be killed by a sword

Magic

Fire Spell
– Shoots fireballs from Link’s sword that penetrate physical defenses
Thunder Spell
– Heavily damages all on-screen enemies with lightning
Jump Spell
– Allows Link to jump large distances, easily reaching high rooftops
Life Spell
– Heals Link
Reflect Spell
– Boosts Link’s blocking ability, allowing him to block previously unblockable attacks
Shield Spell
– Halves incoming damage for a short time
Spell Spell
– Turns weak enemies into Bots, small jelly-like monsters
– Yes, that’s actually its name
Fire Arrow
– Imbues arrow with fire energies, melting ice and lighting targets struck ablaze
Ice Arrow
– Imbues arrow with ice energies, freezing struck target
Light Arrow
– Instantly slays lesser creatures, stunning greater ones
Din’s Fire
– Surrounds self in a massive, expanding dome of fire
Farore’s Wind
– First cast places a warp point, second cast teleports to that warp point
Nayru’s Love
– Consumes some magic to create a nigh-impenetrable barrier
– Only Ganon was powerful enough to penetrate it, and even his attacks were greatly weakened

Music

– Various musical instruments such as the Ocarina of Time, the Wind Waker, the Spirit Flute, the Harp of Ages, etc.
– Various teleportation songs that can take him to preset locations
– Can summon birds/his horse Epona to take him places
– Weather manipulation with Song of Storms and Wind’s Requiem
– Time manipulation with Song of Time and its variants, Tune of Ages, and Sun’s Song: Song of Time goes back in time up to three days, Inverted Song of Time slows time to half its normal speed, Song of Double Time skips forward in time, the Sun’s Song turns night to day or vice versa, and also stuns undead nearby, and Tune of Ages allows time manipulation and travel to an unknown extent
– Song of Healing soothes the souls of ghosts/spirits/similar creatures burdened by negative emotions, potentially one-hit-KOing them by turning them into masks

Transformations

Lycanthropy
– Can become a wolf capable of jumping massive heights
– Can see in the dark, dig, perceive and track intangible spirits, and directly destroy evil souls
Various Transformation Rings
– Allow him to become an Octorok, Like Like, Moblin, Subrosian, even an 8-bit Version of himself
– Comparatively useless, but someone smart like Link might find a use for them maybe?
Fairy Spell
– Turns Link into a tiny fairy
– Can not attack in this form, but can fly and move through tiny spaces
Deku Mask/Deku Link
– Turns Link into a Deku Scrub
– Can spit acidic bubbles and skip on water, but is weaker against fire-based attacks
Goron Mask/Goron Link
– Turns Link into a Goron
– Becomes immune to fire, but can not swim
– Can roll at high speeds
Zora Mask/Zora Link
– Turns Link into a Zora
– Vastly superior underwater maneuverability, can breathe underwater
– Gains elbow-blades that can also be used as boomerangs
Giant Mask/Giant Link
– Greatly increases Link’s size
– Further reduces taken dealt to him by 75%
– Gains greater reach
– Slowly drains magic while in use
Fierce Deity Mask/Fierce Deity Link


– Wields the Double Helix blade, a greatsword theorized by some to be an awakened form of the Master Sword
— Alternatively proposed to be an extension of the Fierce Deity Mask’s power
– Gains a new, extremely muscular body standing at over 7 feet tall, which otherwise resembles his adult form
– Doubled attack power
– Can fire energy waves from his sword, one of which can, as of Hyrule Warriors, split a small moon in half; said moon possessed enough force to completely destroy all of Termina and the planet it rested on
– Enemies can be struck by the blade and energy wave simultaneously, even further doubling damage

Breath of the Wild Additions:

Sheikah Slate:

-A tablet that grants Link a host of different runes to aid him.

–Stasis: Freezes an object in place. Then, Link can strike it to give it momentum so it flies off in another direction when time runs out.

–Cryonis: Freezes water into a pillar for Link to walk on.

–Magnesis: Picks up any metallic object.

–Remote Bombs: Can be thrown to detonate objects whenever the trigger is pressed.

–Camera Rune: Self-explanatory.

–Master Cycle Zero: A motorcycle that runs on materials, which Link can ride at any time.

Weapons:

-Throughout his journey in Hyrule, Link can equip a variety of different weapons, seen here. Some of them have elemental properties, and some are far more powerful than others.

Armor:

-Similarly, Link can equip a variety of different armor sets that offer different passive stat and ability boosts when a set is fully completed, seen here.

Weaknesses

– Somewhat reliant on inventory, despite being highly skilled
– Some of his arsenal functions at its best against evil/dark beings exclusively
– Limited, albeit large, supply of magical energy
– CD-i games

 

Credit to ThePerpetual and ChainGangOfOne on Deviantart

Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Meta Knight: Smackdown!

: Well, assuming this is actually the end for DeviantArt, at least we can say we’ve had an okay run, don’t ya think?

: Yeah, but I’m gonna miss this. There was a certain charm to it.

: Indeed. Sometimes reveling in the archaic isn’t such a bad thing, now is it?

: With age, comes a sharpened sword and a sharper mind.

: And yet, the journey of a thousand lightyears, begins with a single jump.

: And so, for the final(ish) time…get ready, for a SMACKDOWN!

Dreamland, Planet Popstar…

Play Music

 

“WHAAAAAAT DO YA THINK YOUR’ DOIN!?”

“Sire, please, allow me to-“

“Cut da buttah, smaht guy! Youse keep sending me these lameo monstahs just slackin’ on the job, and Kirbeh keeps gettin’ the uppah hand! I send you the dough so you put on the show, but lemme tell ya, ‘dem third act twists just ain’t cuttin’ the mustahd!”

“Sorry, 3D, I just can’t send your our top of the line monsters because we’d never make our investment back. Maybe if you paid your bills every once in a while we could be persuaded?”

“Shore, and Escargoonie ovah here gon’ start flappin’ through da aih like a birdeh?”

“Well, sire, who knows, maybe I got wings under m’shell that you just can’t se-“

“Oh, hush up!”

King Dedede, money-grubbing monarch of Dreamland, picked up his wooden mallet and thumped his servant Escargoon on the noggin, as an ugly looking welt sprouted between his eyestalks.

“Sorry, sire, my bad.”

“But, maybe you do have a point, king. Maybe these monsters we’re sending you just aren’t quite tough enough to do the job.”

“That’s whuh I’ve been sayin’, fool!”

“Yes, well…we’ve recently come into contact with a rather generous benefactor, who’s graciously agreed to cooperate with us in our efforts to, shall we say, put an end to the little pink puffball? He’s sending a battalion of his finest troops to you to help out.”

“Whuzzat? He’s sendin’ an ahmy? Finally! Some good ol’ fashioned firahpowah to replace them dopey l’il Waddle Dees! Dem chumps’ prolly da reason I ain’t able to clobbah Kirby!”

“Right.”

“Send ’em over, pronto!”

“Well, there is one small hitch.” the customer service representative added, adjusting his glasses.

Suddenly, Dedede’s throne room began shifting, as the ceiling and floor opened up to reveal a complicated machine, used for transporting monsters directly from Nightmare Enterprises. The transporter began glowing with power, filling the entire room with a flash of light.

When they could see again, Dedede and Escargoon peered at the transporter. Resting on the podium was a single controller.

“Huh?” Dedede puzzled, as he picked up the device. “Is the monstah undah here?” 

“Sorry, 3D, that’s just the controller for the actual monsters. You see, they’re not really organic, like the baddies we’ve been sendin’ you. No, these are full-on hardened machines you’ll have on your hands, and they only respond to this remote. So, try not to lose it.”

“You got it, monstah man! Les’ get this robotical revo-lution started!”

“Sure thing, king. Only problem is we’ve got so many of these guys that we can’t send them via the transporter. We have to airlift them in from a remote off-world location. But trust me, when they arrive they’ll make Kirby’s pink and red look like black and blue! If you catch my drift.”

“Smooth as silk!”

The halls of Castle Dedede were filled with the trio’s maniacal laughter. However, outside the door, a lone masked warrior was listening in.

“Hmm…this could be a problem.”Jedi Temple, Coruscant…

“General Kenobi, thank you for coming in.” said Jedi Master Mace Windu.

“Of course. Although I must say, I was rather enjoying Felucia. I might have to vacation there when this war ends.” 

“Well, if you’re in the mood for visiting exotic locations, we have something you might be interested in.” another master, Ki-Adi-Mundi, added.

The holographic image display on the table shifted to reveal a map of the galaxy.

“We’ve recently gotten reports of a massive shipment of battle droids to one planet in particular. It’s known as Planet Popstar.”

“Hmm…I don’t believe I recall. Is it in the Outer Rim?”

“Actually, it’s not in this galaxy at all. It’s in an uncharted region of the universe, but the Separatists have recently set up trade routes with one of the organizations out there.”

“Why would they do that? There’s nothing out there.”

The other members of the council looked at each other with unease, before turning back to Obi-Wan.

“We…recently discovered, that Popstar is indeed inhabited.”

“Of course Dooku would send droids to attack innocent people. Are there no depths he won’t sink to?”

“Regardless, we need you to head out there, and see if you can stop the battle droid threat before it begins.”

“And I suppose I’ll be going alone?”

“Best to not make them nervous.”

“Right. I’ll prepare a ship immediately.”

“May the Force be with you.” Mace concluded, with Obi-Wan bowing in respect as the holograms of the Council went dark.

“So much for retiring to my quarters. But, I suppose it should make a good story for Anakin when I return.” said Obi-Wan Kenobi, clad in white robes and light clone armor, sporting a luxurious brown beard, a lightsaber strapped to his belt.

As Kenobi strode through the hallowed halls of the Jedi Temple, he couldn’t help but feel a bit remorseful. It had been almost two weeks since Ahsoka had departed the Jedi Order after Barriss Offee had framed her for bombing the temple, and he still couldn’t help but feel like the council had made the wrong decision in doubting her to begin with. Even now, he sensed darkness in the galaxy, and an upcoming shift in the balance.

He tried to put it off to the side as he veered towards the hangar, his ship awaiting him in the docking bay.

“Hopefully by succeeding here, I can bring the war to a swifter end.” Kenobi mused, as his starfighter shot out of the bay doors and reached Coruscant’s atmosphere in moments. Punching in the coordinates Mace gave him, Obi-Wan guided his ship into the hyperspace ring, before taking off.

Popstar Atmosphere…

As Obi-Wan’s ship exited hyperspace, he bore witness to Popstar in his full glory. A magnificent five pointed star-shaped celestial body, orbited by twin glowing rings.

“Rather unique, I must say.” Obi-Wan noted, as he guided his shuttle down to the planet’s surface, safely landing in a thicket of trees next to a massive stone monument. As the engines died, Obi-Wan opened the cockpit glass and silently leaped out and onto the ground, accompanied by the sound of leaves blowing in the wind.

“Now, to find those battle droids.” 

“Hold on…young warrior.”

“Hmm?”

As Obi-Wan turned around, he saw the stony face begin to move, as the mouth opened and closed.

“I have been waiting for you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“How do you know who I am?”

“I know all that there is to know. For I am Kabu, the seer.”

“Oh. Brilliant. More prophecies. And for the record, I’m not that young anymore.”

“My apologies, warrior. When you are as ancient as I, everything seems a little young.”

“So, then…what business do you have with me?”

“I know you seek…the battle droids.”

“Yes…”

“You will find them…on the far side of these woods. But, be careful. For there are those on our world who will seek your destruction, should you continue on this path.”

“I’m aware. But I must fulfill my duties to the Jedi and this galaxy, by keeping this planet safe.”

“As expected from a wise master, such as yourself. Simply follow the path of the Star Warrior, and you will arrive where you wish to be. Good luck…”

With that, Kabu fell silent, and moved no more.

“Path of the Star Warrior…hmm, perhaps the Force will guide me.”

Kenobi closed his eyes, and reached out with his palm to attune with the Force around him. The connection was a bit weaker here than in his home galaxy, but eventually he felt a tug pointing him in the southwest direction, into the blackest part of the woods.

“Am I sure this is the right way?” Kenobi whispered.

A mechanical rhythm sounded off, very faint, but consistent. The sound of droid footsteps.

“Ah, there we go.” 

With a shake of his head, Kenobi began running through the woods at speeds that would make a Keeradak blush, making his way towards the site of what was soon to be an epic battle.

Castle Dedede, 1 hour earlier…

“Aw this is swell! Mah robits dun arrived right on schedule!” Dedede bellowed, as he gazed over his hall lined with B1 and BX droids. “Now all I gotta do is figger awt howta staht this controlla!”

“You know, sire, if I hadn’t been around you for 10 years I wouldn’t know what the heck you were sayin-“

KA-THUNK!

“Do ya know how to undahstand that, Escargoonie?”

“Well actually, I’m not sure I can understand anythin’ with that ringin’ in my ears.”

“Aw, hush up. Now lemme see here…well, there’s this big ol’ button that says Staht here, maybe das it!” 

“Gee, ya think?” Escargoon retorted against his better judgement, receiving another smack from Dedede’s hammer in response, before the penguin pushed the button.

The battle droids stirred to life row by row, before standing at attention.

“We await your orders, sir.” the Super Tactical Droid Kalani said.

“This be some Dededelightful circumstances y’all find yerselves in, for we’s about to be embarkin’ on what I like to call a “authoritarian establishment operation”. Some o’ these locals are gettin’ a bit too big for ‘dem britches and I need y’all to rough ’em up a bit. Remind ’em who’s king round here! And if you see any pink puffy pint-size patsies struttin’ around you give ’em the business end o’ your lasehs there, got it?”

“Roger roger.” the droids responded in unison, before making an about-face turn and striding through the door. Beginning their descent down to the main entrance, their monotonous clanking footsteps echoed through the vast halls of the castle.

Sitting up from her bed, Tiff turned on the lights and shook Tuff on his shoulder.

“Huh…?”

“Tuff, wake up!”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“Do you hear that?”

Tuff paused for a second and strained his ear, before shaking his head.

“I bet King Dedede has ordered another monster to get rid of Kirby!” Tiff grumbled.

“You know, Tiff, not everything that happens in Dreamland is because of Dedede. Maybe he’s just sleepin’ in, like you should be.” Tuff chastised, before going back under his covers.

“Ooooh…fine! If you wanna stay in your warm bed, then good for you! I’m going to find Kirby!” Tiff whispered, swiveling out of bed and racing to open the door. She swung it open to find-

Play Music

“Meta Knight?”

“Go back to bed, Tiff.”

“But what about Kirby?”

“Kerbee will be safe. I will watch over him. You need your rest.”

“But-“

Meta Knight fixed her with a piercing glare.

“Okay.” Tiff mumbled, climbing back into bed as Meta Knight closed the door and faced the window.

“Sword Knight! Blade Knight!”

“Sir!”

“Soranrightsoma, ready!”

“There is work to be done.”

With that, the trio jumped out the window, and disappeared into the night.

Edge of Whispy Woods…

As the sun peaked out over the horizon, Obi-Wan finally broke through the forest barrier and stood on a hill, overlooking Dreamland.

“Well, it is rather quaint.” Obi-Wan observed, taking note of the humble Cappy Town and the crystal-clear ocean. “But charming. Perhaps it would be a fine place to relax when this war ends.”

Obi-Wan’s thoughts were interrupted by the sight of several hundred robotic warriors about a mile away, clustered on a hill occupied by a grand castle.

“And there are the battle droids, I suppose. Just another day saving the universe, I suppose.” 

As Obi-Wan prepared to spring off the cliff-

“Halt!”

Obi-Wan just barely managed to keep his footing as he slowly turned to face the source of the command.

“Yes…?” Obi-Wan questioned, looking to the left and right, seeing no one.

“Ah…”

Then he looked down.

“Ah, hello there. How can I be of assistance?”

“What is your…perpose, in thees place?”

“Ah, well, I’m simply here to relieve you of your invasion problems. I take it you don’t want an army of bloodthirsty droids attacking your home?”

“Hmm…”

“Although, since you were so intent on stopping me, perhaps you could tell me what you’re doing here.”

 

“I am simply here to observe.” Meta Knight replied, watching as Obi-Wan took out a pair of binoculars and scanned the horizon.

“‘Perhaps he can be of great help in training Kerbee to defeat NME. Or, he could be a monster in disguise. There is only one way to be sure.'” Meta Knight pondered, his hand reaching to his side.

“Well, it was nice getting to meet you, but I must be on my way.” Obi-Wan concluded, preparing to leave.

“You should be safe over here-“

That was when the tip of a sword pressed into his back.

“Well, then…this complicates things.” Obi-Wan said, chuckling as the point dug in further.

“So, it seems like you don’t exactly desire to assist me.”

“I simply do as my king commands. Nothing more.”

“Well, then, don’t you think I deserve at least a fair trial before his Majesty?”

“We do not follow that sort of system here. However…” Meta Knight continued, gazing at the saber attached to Obi-Wan’s hip, “I see that you too are a warrior skilled with the blade. Perhaps an arrangement can be made after all.”

“Do tell.”

“We will duel. If you can defeat me, I will let you go. Otherwise, you will surrender to his Majesty, King Dedede of Dreamland.”

“Well,” Obi-Wan pondered, “I don’t really have much choice, do I?”

“You can try to run. But you will not get very far.”

“Running away isn’t really my style. I’m more of a ‘tactical retreat’ sort of individual. But, if you insist…” 

In one move, Obi-Wan pulled out his saber, activated it, and slashed at Meta Knight, who backflipped over the blade and landed a few feet away.

With his weapon drawn, Obi-Wan shifted into his preferred Soresu stance, fingers pointed at Meta Knight, while the Star Warrior held his blade with both hands.

“Prepare yourself! I will not hold back! For I am Meta Knight, of the Star Warrior force!”

“Very well, Meta Knight. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. And I am afraid that I cannot allow you to win. The fate of this planet is at stake.”

“‘More than you can realize…'” Meta Knight agreed silently.

 

At first, neither of them made a move. They simply surveyed each other as they walked in a circle, waiting for the other to strike.

 

Play Music

Ultimately they stopped where they had begun, as the sound of falling leaves echoed in the forest. As the last petal detached and drifted softly down to earth…

Meta Knight struck!

Quick as lightning, the Star Warrior slashed at the Jedi Master, who countered with a swift parry that pushed the masked fighter back. Undeterred, Meta Knight struck once again, this time aiming low to cut into Obi-Wan’s stomach. As Obi-Wan attempted to counter the blow once again, Meta Knight pushed off the ground to soar over the Jedi’s head, delivering a grazing slash to his tunic as he passed over.

But before Meta Knight could land, Obi-Wan twirled around at high speed and delivered a swift, strong kick to the Star Warrior, knocking him off balance and into a nearby tree.

Meta Knight barely had time to regain his focus before Obi-Wan slashed the tree in two, mere inches from where Meta Knight stood. The failure to hit Meta Knight presented an opportunity for him to perform a sweeping kick, sending Obi-Wan tumbling to the ground with Galaxia aimed at his chest.

“Do you yield?” Meta Knight questioned.

“I’ll admit, you are quite strong. But power alone has no value without strategy.” Obi-Wan countered, before pushing outward with his hands.

A telekinetic blast smashed into Meta Knight’s body, launching him through five trees before slamming his head on a thick oak.

“Oh…what was that power?” Meta Knight mumbled, still dazed.

“That, my flying friend, was the power of the Force. It surrounds and binds us together, and grants those who heed its call with great power. Perhaps if I had a few years I could teach you.”

“That…is unnecessary.”

“Are you sure? You seem like someone very attuned with the universe. It likely wouldn’t take too long for you to master-“

Before Obi-Wan could finish, Meta Knight swooped in and sliced at the Jedi’s hand, knocking the saber to the floor and leaving a gash on his palm, all in the blink of an eye.

“Hmph. If you have enough time to talk, then you have enough time to sharpen your skills. You will not be able to save anyone with techniques like that!”

“You know, typically it’s polite to let your adversary finish before you strike them.”

“I am not like most opponents. A lesson you should understand right away.” 

“Well, in that case…”

Obi-Wan thrust his hand upward, using the Force to lift the off-guard Meta Knight into the air, before swinging him around and slamming him into the ground like a ragdoll, before ultimately launching him into a massive boulder, cracking it on impact.

“Perhaps you should pay more attention as well.”

When Meta Knight did not rise to his feet, Obi-Wan assumed the fight was over and turned to leave, sheathing his lightsaber. But as he began to walk away…

“‘DODGE!'”

The Force vision came just in time, allowing Obi-Wan to duck under Meta Knight’s surprise slash from behind, and counter with his own Force Push that Meta Knight only barely managed to block with Galaxia, letting him safely land on a nearby branch.

“Your ‘Force’ seems to be full of surprises!” Meta Knight noted.

“And there are far more in store, if you choose to continue!” Obi-Wan retorted, readying his saber once again.

“I will take my chances.” 

With his last words spoken, Meta Knight surged forward to meet Obi-Wan’s slash, and the two once again began their dance of blades, twirling and slashing and clashing, as the sparks flew around them and caused the brush underfoot to ignite. Yet the burning landscape did nothing to dissuade them from battle, as they simply retreated to the trees and continued to fight.

Meta Knight attempted to slice at Obi-Wan’s exposed stomach, but his sword simply glanced off Obi-Wan’s hastily constructed Force Barrier, allowing the Jedi to use the momentum to deliver a spinning slash at Meta Knight’s Galaxia, knocking it out of his hand in kind.

But before Obi-Wan could take advantage, Meta Knight threw his cape into Obi-Wan’s face, blinding the Jedi long enough for him to retrieve his blade.

“Not very sporting of you, trying to distract your opponent!” Obi-Wan grumbled, striking at Meta Knight’s torso and meeting a blade lock in return.

“Perhaps if you can’t handle it, you should retire and leave the fighting to those better suited!” Meta Knight retaliated, delivering a swift kick to Obi-Wan’s midsection, followed by a downward strike with Galaxia’s pommel that left the Jedi dazed for a brief moment, allowing Meta Knight to kick him hard enough to knock Qui-Gon’s apprentice off the cliff.

And yet, there was no sound on the way down.

“Hmm?”

The Star Warrior walked to the edge and looked down, but saw no sign of Obi-Wan’s body on the ground below.

“I wonder where he went…I don’t sense his presence, nearby.”

“Hello there!”

Meta Knight turned to witness Obi-Wan striding atop his Y-wing bomber, a smug look on his face.

“Long time no see!” Obi-Wan joked.

“I see you have taken my advice to heart, and decided to retreat?”

“Well, you’re half right. I have taken your advice, but moreso the part where you implied that you should utilize any advantage given to you.”

“Impressive. But if you believe you are the only one who can fly, you are mistaken!” Meta Knight countered, as from his back emerged a pair of twin bat wings, flapping to allow Meta Knight to take to the skies and face Obi-Wan head-on.

“Now, we will see how skilled of a pilot you truly are.” 

And with that, Meta Knight took off towards the mountains.

“And he criticizes me for running away?” Obi-Wan muttered, before backflipping into the cockpit.

“R7?”

“Beepbeepboop?”

“Follow him.”

“Boop.”

The glass shutter closed, and the ship blasted off at hyperspeed, catching up to the fleeing Star Warrior in an instant.

Meta Knight turned and stared in surprise as the Y-Wing kept on his tail with ease.

“‘Hmm, his speed is rather impressive. Perhaps he is the one who can help Kerbee…but I must test him a little more to be sure.”

Taking his blade, Meta Knight slashed at the mountains, shaking them with tremendous force.

From the mountain peaks, an avalanche of boulders fell down at high speeds, a canvas of earth threatening to crush Obi-Wan into oblivion.

“Force…guide me.” Obi-Wan pleaded, as he closed his eyes and concentrated.

“Bum”

“Bum”

“Ba-bum”

“LEFT!”

Swerve

“RIGHT!”

FWOOSH

“DOWN!”

Dive!

“ROLL!”

When Obi-Wan escaped unscathed he could hardly believe it.

“The Force truly is powerful.” Obi-Wan mused, as he continued to home in on Meta Knight.

“Perhaps a few cannon shots will be enough.” Obi-Wan pondered, as he began rhythmically tapping the fire button.

Twin red laser blasts fired from the cannons on the ship’s underbelly, attempting to blast Meta Knight out of the sky as he rolled, swerved, and dived to avoid them. The sky was lit up with crimson fire, and yet it all avoided the flying swordsmaster as he evaded with consummate ease.

It was then that Obi-Wan noticed he was flying right above the battle droids, which had moved out of Cappy Town and into the green fields beyond. Seeing opportunity, he veered his ship downward and began firing salvos of proton torpedos, each detonating and taking down a centurion of droids with them.

All as Meta Knight watched in amusement.

“So, he was telling the truth all along. There is just one final test, to see if he truly is a great warrior.”

Meta Knight landed in the courtyard of Castle Dedede, where Sword and Blade Knight were waiting to greet him.

“Sword, Blade…it is time.”

“Sorya, Halberd?”

“But Meta Knight, the Halberd was only supposed to be used for the fight against NM-“

“The circumstances have changed. We must defend Dreamland!”

The two knights nodded, before scurrying off to Castle Dedede’s interior.

With the task accomplished, Meta Knight made a mighty leap onto the castle’s roof, allowing him a clear vantage point of Obi-Wan, who had finished off the last of the droids.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi!”

Kenobi stopped firing and turned to face the elder warrior. 

“Yes?”

“Come down, and fight me like a true warrior!”

“Didn’t we already do that? It ended with you running away!”

“Yes, and you tried to win with your vessel. So, now I have decided to fight you on even terms.”

The ground began to rumble, the tremors reaching all across Dreamland.

“And…what does that mean?”

“Behold, Kenobi. The culmination of years of work…Battleship Halberd!”

Castle Dedede split apart into two halves, as a giant shutter opened from beneath the earth. From within emerged a massive dreadnaught, emblazoned with Meta Knight’s recognizable mask and wings, and armed to the teeth with weapons powerful enough to destroy a world.

“…I see.”

Meanwhile, in Castle Dedede, his Majesty was absolutely beside himself.

“Escargoon, wat da heck iz dat thang?!” Dedede screeched.

“I don’t know sire, but it looks like we’re up the river without a paddle!” 

“Well do sumthin!”

“How about hide under m’covers!” he postulated, as the two cowered together under the throne.

The sight of the massive cruiser was almost enough to stop Tiff’s heart.

“Wow…Meta Knight was building that underneath Dreamland, all this time?”

 

“I know. It’s amazing!” Tuff gushed.

“He must have built it to take the fight to NME…but now the surprise is ruined. Hopefully they don’t see it…” Tiff wished.

The flare of the Halberd’s engines knocked Tiff on her back, as she stared in disbelief while it flew away.

“Good luck, Meta Knight. And…be careful.”

Obi-Wan simply stared in disbelief.

“That ship has enough power to rival the entire Republic fleet…perhaps it’s time to end this, now.” 

 

“You can try! All cannons, fire on that bomber!” Meta Knight commanded.

“Sorenrye, fire!” Blade Knight acquiesced, as the Halberd began firing a barrage of missiles at Obi’s Y-Wing, forcing the Jedi to make evasive maneuvers.

Play Music

“This seems rather FAMILIAR!” Obi grunted, as he erected Force Barriers around his ship to block the mightiest explosives, while trusting in the Force to guide him through the more densely packed waves.

And yet the Halberd continued to doggedly pursue him, consistently forcing the Jedi on the defensive. Every time Obi-Wan tried to swivel around and perform counter-fire, a blast clipped the side of the Y-Wing and knocked it off-balance.

“How can a ship that large be so agile? Ah, well…I suppose I have one last idea.”

Taking control once more, Obi-Wan once again steered back towards the mountains he had chased Meta Knight through earlier, goading the Halberd into engaging pursuit. The two vessels raced through the canyon pass once more, skirting the nest of the feared Dyna Blade as she cawed loud enough to cause yet another avalanche.

For Obi-Wan, avoiding the falling debris was child’s play. His ship was small and swift enough to easily outpace and slip between any hazard, aided by the pull of the Force.

But for the mighty, cumbersome Halberd, it was a different story. The stones careened right into the ship, leaving unnerving screeching sounds in their wake as the ship’s paint began peeling off.

“Sir, we’ve sustained 50% damage to our deflector shields!” Sword Knight warned.

“Press on!” Meta Knight ordered, as the two ships finally made it into open skies.

“Well, now that I’ve softened it up, time to take a page from Anakin’s logbook.” 

Gunning the engines to full throttle, Obi-Wan began to climb higher and higher into the sky, straining the thrusters past their limit. As he expected, the Halberd followed suit, but its more powerful boosters meant it was gaining ground.

“Just…a little…further…” 

The Y-Wing breached the outer atmosphere, and was greeted with the cold darkness of space, the Halberd not far behind.

“Well…I hope this works!” 

With a heavy sigh, Obi-Wan shut off the engines. The ship, no longer resisting the pull of gravity, began to fall back to Popstar…right into the waiting jaws of the Halberd.

“Meta Knight, what’s he doing?” Sword Knight asked, scratching his head.

“An extremely bold move…if it pays off. Attack!“

The Halberd’s laser cannons once more opened fire on the Y-Wing, now beginning to catch fire as it reached reentry velocity.

“Force, guide me.” Obi-Wan urged.

With his hands on the steering mechanism, Ben blasted forward at top speed, spinning like a drill, and facing the Halberd head-on. The Y-Wing started to break apart from the pressure, but he persisted, readying himself for the eardrum-shattering-

KABOOM!

The Y-Wing slamming into the Halberd’s faceplate made such a massive aftershock, it dislodged the nearby asteroids from their trajectory, sending them careening off into a nearby star where they promptly exploded, creating solar flares even the folks of Cappy Town could see.

Play Music

When Obi-Wan came to, he found himself in the midst of the Halberd’s inner workings, smoke filling every corridor as the ships internal systems attempted to repair the pressure leak.

“Hmm…perhaps Anakin was right. Spinning CAN be a good trick.”

Patting himself on the back aside, he really needed to get to the command deck.

“Now…which way…?”

Casting his senses out to the entire ship, he listened for that telltale accent and-

“‘Stabilize the engines! Batten down all hatches! Prepare for combat!'”

 

“Ah, there we are.” Obi-Wan murmured, before taking the rightmost path.

Blasts of boiling hot steam erupted from the pipes embedded in the walls, forcing Obi-Wan to carefully weave around them, using the Force to guide him. Just when he had reached the end of the hallway-

HISSS!

One last jet of steam struck Obi-Wan in the face, with his eyes taking the full brunt of the blow. When it cleared, Obi-Wan could feel that he wasn’t hurt, and yet his eyes were burning, eliciting more pain than he had felt in a while.

“GAAH!” 

He tried to keep his eyes open, but they refused.

“Mmm…very well then. I shall continue regardless.”

Feeling the walls to his sides, he used them as a guide, and slowly inched forward. With every step, he felt himself getting closer to his goal.

“I just hope…I can apprehend him before this ship crashes…”

“Oh, I wouldn’t count on that.”

“Sorinsora, your defeat!”

Sword and Blade Knight stood in Obi-Wan’s way, weapons drawn.

“Oh…wonderful. I was starting to think…that I had gotten on undetected.”

“Maybe you were for a little bit, but nothing happens on this ship without Meta Knight knowing about it.”

“You seem to really…admire him.”

“Sorenright, saved our lives!”

“We owe everything to him.”

“And I truly do respect that. But at the same time, I don’t exactly have much time to spend making witty banter with you.”

With a strained Force push, Obi-Wan slammed the two swordsman into the wall, instantly knocking them out. Without a word, he continued on.

At last, he managed to crawl his way to the engine room.

“Finally. If I can disable the engines, this ship will fall, and then maybe I can get some answers.”

“If you can manage it, that is!”

Of course, sitting on the ledge was Meta Knight himself.

“You have certainly caused me many problems today, Master Kenobi.”

“I feel like I…could say the same to you.”

“You possess a strong heart, and a warrior’s courage. It is a shame, that we had to be on opposite sides in this conflict.”

“You…brought that upon yourself, my friend.”

“Talk is meaningless. We shall end this in the way it always should have been.” Meta Knight concluded.

“Again, I’m feeling a sense of deja vu.” Obi-Wan muttered, as he drew his saber.

“Fighting a blind opponent…this is a new low.” 

“As I recall, your ‘Force’ should allow you to fight just fine.”

“Well, yes, but it’s not some all-encompassing omnipresent ability to instantly triumph.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I will go easy on you.”

“That is your second mistake today. Your first…

PSSSHU

…was provoking me into a fight.”

“Then prove it.”

Play Music

Meta Knight stabbed at Obi-Wan in an instant, only barely being deflected by the latter’s perfectly timed parry. The recoil sent Meta Knight backwards, allowing Obi to follow up with a lunging thrust that grazed the warrior’s mask and lopped off a chunk. Undeterred, Meta leaped onto the blade’s hilt after the next strike and delivered a powerful axe kick.

However, this time Obi was ready, grabbing hold of Meta Knight’s foot and delivering a powerful punch to his torso, knocking Meta Knight into the generator with a loud CRASH!

But before Obi-Wan could capitalize, Galaxia pierced his shoulder like a spear, pinning the Jedi to the wall as Meta Knight ran towards him at breakneck speed.

“HRAAAGH-urk…”

Meta Knight was stopped mid-leap by Obi-Wan’s Force grab. With complete conviction, he began tossing the knight into the different machine parts littering the room, leaving imprints all over and turning Meta Knight’s mask into a crushed piece of tin.

Finally, Obi-Wan threw the Star Warrior into the ceiling, allowing him to fall and crash into the hard, metallic floor, girders raining down on him.

“Have you…had enough?” Obi-Wan insisted, his breath coming in much slower increments.

From beneath the girders, a shifting motion pushed them apart, revealing a ragged but still breathing Meta Knight.

“Not…yet.”

 

“Then allow me to…even the odds a bit.” Obi-Wan gasped, as he threw his saber at the light fixture on the ceiling, shattering it and bringing the room into absolute darkness.

“Fighting blind…how interesting. If you can take advantage, that is.”

“I believe I can manage.”

Obi-Wan felt in the darkness for the unmistakable aura of the Star Warrior, strong and rhythmic. When he had locked on, he slashed with his saber, a singular light in the cold void.

And felt a blade counter him in kind.

“I may not be able to see…but I can sense you, just as you can sense me.”

“Then this will be rather difficult!”

Obi-Wan and Meta Knight continued to swipe at each other in the darkness, although their blows were becoming far less impactful, and far too often they simply struck empty air, or even the power generator itself, leaving massive scars that leaked power.

Finally, Meta Knight landed a solid hit that knocked Kenobi on his back, before leaping onto the generator.

“This…this ends now.” 

Raising his sword high into the air, the star warrior concentrated all his energy into the blade, channeling the spirit of 50,000 years of combat and the fire god imbued in the sword itself, until the blade glowed a brilliant golden.

“Behold the power of…Sword Beam!”

Meta Knight swung downward with such tremendous force, the blade discharged a golden crescent blast of pure energy at high speeds.

“Oh no, not a-“

The beam not only knocked Obi-Wan to the floor, but also sliced through the walls of the Halberd, revealing the sky and sea beyond, and the flames devouring the sinking vessel.

“One more…should do it.” Meta Knight panted, preparing to fire another beam.

“You know…the thing about Jedi is…”

Meta Knight paid no attention, and fired.

“…we’re rather adept at utilizing energy.”

As the beam hit his lightsaber, Obi-Wan channeled the beam’s power into the blade, and then released a powerful swipe that redirected the blast back at its progenitor.

All Meta Knight could do was fire another Sword Beam at high speeds. And as the two beams collided-

KA-THOOM!

The resulting explosion completely split the Halberd in two, the twin halves falling into the ocean at terminal velocity, creating a pillar of water that stretched into the sky.

…

Stop Music

“Hmph, hmph, phmfph…oh…my head…” Obi-Wan groaned, as he regained consciousness.

Only to find he was stuck under a board.

“Ah…let me just…there we go…ah, that stings.” Obi-Wan grumbled as he slowly pulled the board off his chest, all the while trying to stay conscious with the pain in his sides. With great care, he stood up and supported himself on one of the guard rails, and surveyed his surroundings.

The entire room was flooded with murky blue-green water, a telltale mark of the ocean. It all swelled in from a massive hold in the side, revealing a way to the roof of the cabin.

“Well…no harm in getting a better vantage point, I suppose…perhaps I can call Cody for assistance…”

Gently, Obi-Wan walked over to the hole, making sure to put less weight on his right side. He could feel his tunic being waterlogged, but chose to ignore it, even when his skin felt ice cold.

The sun was setting by the time Obi-Wan had crossed the room, painting the world in a fiery orange glow. The shadows cast by the ship seemingly neglected the ladder to the top.

Almost as if it was intentional.

“Well, it certainly wouldn’t be the first prophecy I’d been charged with.” Obi mused, as he began climbing.

It didn’t take long to reach the top, but it was enough for the Jedi to reflect on the meaning of the Star Warrior’s actions.

“‘Was he trying to test me all along? And, test me for what purpose? Some other threat, even more dangerous than Sidious or Dooku? I must find these answers after I take him into custody.'”

But as he continued to mull over these thoughts, he found his path blocked by a rather familiar sight.

“Not again…”

“You are beaten. Surrender, by order of-“

“Actually…” Obi-Wan interjected, moving his hand ever so slightly while wiggling his fingers, “…you don’t want to fight against me.”

“I…do not want to fight against you.”

“You want to give me your sword.”

“I want to give you my sword.”

Although Meta Knight was clearly resisting the Force Mind Trick, ultimately his will was overcome, and he dropped the blade at Obi-Wan’s feet.

“So…now it seems that the situation is reversed, and you are the one who is beaten.”

As Obi-Wan reached down to pick up Galaxia, he felt a sensation once again.

“‘Pain…great pain…and great power…but am I worthy to wield it?'”

 

“Let’s find out!” Obi-Wan yelled, picking up Galaxia.

The sword let out a few sparks, and then-

ZZZZZAP!

The pain Obi-Wan felt was like nothing he had experienced before. The pain of losing his master, the pain of all the battle scars and concussions he had endured, the pain of the torturous visions he’d experienced for what seemed like years now, it all combined together and multiplied itself by a thousandfold as he wielded the sword in his hands.

The pain was so great, it forced him to drop his own saber, as it clattered to the ground, right at Meta Knight’s feet.

“That was a rather impressive trick you used. It may come in very useful, for later.”

“You weren’t susceptible to the mind trick at all, were you?”

“No. My mind is too strong to be overcome by something like that. But making it seem like you succeeded, seemed like the most optimal way to allow for this final test.”

“By…agh…having your sword kill me?”

“Incorrect. The sword Galaxia only allows those who are pure, untouched by evil, to wield it. If you survive…I will know what I need to know.”

Galaxia continued to infuse Obi-Wan with incredible pain, with no signs of stopping. Any resistance Obi-Wan tried to muster was meaningless, and dissipated as quickly as it appeared.

Play Music

“Concentrate, Master Kenobi. Focus…and you can achieve anything.”

 

“‘I don’t have anything else to lose, I suppose?'” Obi pondered.

He closed his eyes, and felt for the Force’s gentle pull. It was distant at first, but as Obi-Wan focused on it, it grew, from a small flame to a blazing hearth, wrapping the Jedi in its warm embrace.

The horrible pain began to weaken, tempered by the Force. At last, it reached equilibrium, and it became exhilarating. The pain had ebbed to nothing, and now a never-ending riptide of power surged through him.

“I…am Obi-Wan Kenobi. And my path is clear. I will help teach a new generation, and one day help bring about the end of the Galactic Empire. This, I swear!”

And with that, Meta Knight nodded.

“Very good…but now, let us see if you can provide the strength to back up your convictions.”

 

“One final blow.” Obi-Wan proposed.

“Winner, takes all.”

The two locked eyes, and raised their respective blades. And as the sun set, turning the sky a brilliant indigo…

There was a dual slash.

Sparks flew.

…

And the figure of Obi-Wan Kenobi crumpled to the ground. Alive, but knocked out.

Meta Knight walked over to the unmoving form of Kenobi, and planted the saber into the metal, a marker of Jedi’s spirit, and retrieved his own Galaxia.

And he waited.

After all, he’d been around for 50,000 years. A few more hours wouldn’t hurt.

 

Play Music

: Wow…that was really somethin’.

 

: I know. It’s an emotional moment.

: The proverbial end of a long day.

: And fittingly enough, it ends not in death…but in new beginnings.

: This match was definitely an interesting one. To begin with, it should be noted that this was specifically the Disney Canon version of Obi-Wan Kenobi, vs the Kirby: Right Back at Ya! version of Meta Knight. Simply because this was far more fair towards Obi-Wan, since Meta Knight would easily win otherwise.

: Starting with Meta Knight, his stats are relatively simple. He should absolutely scale to Base Kirby, given that he was more than capable of defeating Kirby in sword combat in the episode “Kirby’s Duel Role”. Kirby, in his base form, could spit cannonballs hard enough to actually redirect a meteor that was going to destroy Dreamland. This feat averages out to 1.25 to 3.29 teratons of TNT, or Small Country Level. But since this feat was done via 14 cannonballs, we’ll say that Meta Knight’s strength should be, at minimum, 89.2857142857 Gigatons, or very high end Island Level. 

: Speed-wise, again, Meta Knight has been shown to very easily keep up with Kirby in a fight, meaning he should scale to Kirby’s reactionary speeds. Most notably, Kirby can jump on the Warp Star midflight, which flew to the sun while carrying Kirby and the monster Red Viper in about 30 seconds. Assuming the sun in this case was as far away from Dreamland as the normal sun is to Earth, this feat averages out to 16 times the speed of light.

: Now, admittedly the strength portion of this would be fairly unimpressive to Legends Obi-Wan, who can scale to many exaton and zettaton tier feats, but sticking strictly to canon, most of Obi-Wan’s best feats also cap out in the Island range, most notably him being comparable to Darth Vader, who blocked a proton torpedo with his force barrier. Since the Force Barrier would scale to the offensive aspects of Vader’s Force usage, this would also scale to Obi-Wan’s attack power with the Force, a rather impressive 4.9 Gigatons of TNT. However, Vader has also had statements of being 80% of the power of Darth Sidious, who easily destroyed ships with this level of durability, so him being 4.9 Gigatons seems about right. And in terms of speed, most feats in canon Star Wars are about Massively Hypersonic+, due to that being the speed of blaster bolts in canon, and being able to deflect Force Lightning. However, there are some Relativistic feats, most notably Obi-Wan deflecting a laser in the Clone Wars Episode “Children of the Force“, as well as Grievous dodging a light blast from a Kyber Crystal.

: Right away, you can already see a massive disparity. Meta Knight, even at his lowest, is over 18 times stronger and 66 times faster (Haha) than Obi-Wan. Meaning even at the start, there isn’t really any difficulty Meta Knight will have in just blitzing and one-shotting Obi-Wan. And while some might be tempted to say that Obi-Wan could utilize his more haxxed Force abilities to win, that’s just not really Obi-Wan’s style. Obi-Wan is by and large a saber combatant, who only rarely uses his special abilities in combat. This is especially true in canon, BTW. And while Obi-Wan is one of the best Soresu duelists in the entire series, even his defensive game can’t hold up against a stat advantage like Meta Knight’s.

: In fact, let’s run down the hax list. Mind Trick? Obi-Wan doesn’t use it in combat and it’s explicitly shown to fail against exceptionally strong minds, as seen with Cad Bane. Now picture Obi-Wan trying to use it on someone with thousands of years of experience as a trained soldier and mentor, especially one as wise and intelligent as Meta Knight, and you see the problem. Telekinesis? It would help to keep Meta Knight away, but it doesn’t make him easier to kill. Matter Manipulation via the holocron? Never used in combat. Precognition? It would definitely help mitigate the speed advantage a bit, but precognition isn’t very useful if you’re too slow to take advantage. Plus, keep in mind that while Obi-Wan is very strong with Force augmentation, without it he’s Wall level at best, while Meta Knight’s stats are always consistent.

: So essentially, Meta Knight has the stat trinity locked down, and Obi-Wan doesn’t have any abilities that would let him turn the tide. Does Obi-Wan have any chance at all?

: Well…maybe. There is a feat that could be applied to Obi-Wan retroactively: Kinro. Essentially, many years ago during the Old Republic, the Jedi Order banded together to destroy a meteor that was tearing through planets. This was the combined effort of 10,000 Jedi, and the average yield for this feat is about 50 teratons

 

This would absolutely put Obi-Wan’s max potential higher than Meta Knight’s…or at least, it would, if this feat wasn’t incredibly inconsistent.

 

: Keep in mind, this is a feat that would scale to most non-god tier Jedi. Meanwhile, Darth Sidious, a character clearly superior to Obi-Wan, was only capable of upscaling from a 4.9 Gigatons feat after being supercharged in The Rise of Skywalker. So it doesn’t really make sense that this feat can scale to mid-tier Jedi that is just casually above the feats performed by one of the strongest Force users in the series. Plus, even if this feat was used, Meta Knight has a similar feat of scaling.

: Right here, Kirby’s inhale is so powerful that it’s shown being capable of even sucking in the moon! Honestly, no matter how you slice this feat, no matter what timeframe you use, it is better than Kinro scaling. And while some might question its usability, Kirby’s inhale has been referred to as like a black hole, is Kirby’s main trait, and is always portrayed as incredibly power. Plus, Kirby is one of the highest tier characters in the series, so him having a feat like this makes sense. So why is this important for Meta Knight?

Play Video

: Yes, Meta Knight is capable of outright tanking Kirby’s suction without even flinching, and describes it as “defending himself”. Now, of course, this sort of scaling is a big outlier, and is somewhat inconsistent with lore about the series of Kirby being unable to suck in extremely large or heavy opponents, but Kirby has also been seen improving his suction to be able to prove that incorrect, and at worst, this puts it on par with Kinro in terms of usability. So either way you cut it, Meta Knight should be more powerful. He’s also far more experienced, having been fighting for thousands of years, while Obi-Wan died in his 50s. Both are pretty much even in terms of tactics and sword skills though, with Obi-Wan potentially having a very slight edge due to having his saber skills being regarded as some of the best of any Jedi, while Meta Knight is just an incredibly skilled swordsman. But these things don’t matter too much.

: Overall, with greater strength, speed, and experience, Meta Knight was indeed able to triumph over the far more versatile and unpredictable Kenobi.

: Yeah. Guess Meta was the real “star” today, eh?

: The winner is Meta Knight, the masked swordsman.

+ Much faster
+ Much stronger
+ Much more experience
+ Better vessel
= Tactics
= Sword Skill
– Not as versatile
– Lacking in hax
– Susceptible to telekinesis

 

+ More versatile
+ Slightly better hax
+ Can use telekinesis to control the battlefield
= Sword Skill
= Tactics
– Weaker (Especially without Force augmentation)
– Slower
– Far less combat experience

Epilogue…

Play Music

“Ah…I’ve got a splitting headache…” 

Obi-Wan opened his eyes and slowly sat up, rubbing his head to relieve the agony.

And just in front of him was Meta Knight, offering a plate of warm stew.

“Drink up.”

“Ah…thank you.”

Obi-Wan accepted the bowl and downed it in one gulp. It wasn’t that bad, all things considered.

“I…believe I owe you an explanation for certain things.”

“Yes, that would be most helpful.”

“It requires I start at the beginning. I am what is referred to as a Star Warrior. For generations, we had fought against an army of powerful monsters, all created by the being known as NME. But over time, our forces were overwhelmed. We died off. Until only I, and a select few others, remained. I left, and found my way here to Dreamland, to serve under the king. Since he likes to order monsters so much, I knew it would be a place that would attract other Star Warriors. One of them was named Kerbee. At first, I was worried about him. He was just a baby, and needed more time to develop. But as time passed, he became a more capable and confident warrior. And now, I know he is the one to defeat NME.”

“This sounds rather fascinating but, where does my involvement play into this?”

“Truth be told, your involvement was an accident. I did not expect you to come, but when you did, I believed you would be a good teacher for Kerbee. Your techniques and skills, they are like nothing I have seen before. They could be of great use.”

“I would like to help you. Truly, I would. But, I have a galaxy of my own, one that needs help as well.”

“I understand. But, before you leave, perhaps you could impart a few of your techniques to Kerbee, so he can help save this galaxy.”

“Well, I would have to meet him.”

Later…

“This is the Star Warrior?”

A pink puffball of a creature was laying in front of Obi-Wan, snoozing.

“I understand one mustn’t judge someone on their size, but-“

“Trust me. He is quite skilled. But before you teach, I do have one last favor to impart to you.”

“Yes?”

“Your mind trick. I would like to keep my Battleship Halberd plans a secret from Cappy Town, and King Dedede.”

“I’ll…see what I can do.”

Several Hours Later…

“Well, I’ve done it. Every individual on this world has had their memories altered to forget your battleship, except those in the castle.”

“Then let us go.”

The two knights strode into the castle, and began ascending the stairs. Along the way, they were joined by Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala.

“Wow, Meta Knight! You never told us you had a battleship! Can we ride in it?” Tuff begged.

“Can you explain why you didn’t tell us?” Tiff pressed.

Seconds later, their memories had been altered, and the two knights were gone.

“Uh…what just happened?” Tuff questioned, with Tiff just shrugging her shoulders.

Finally, Obi and Meta Knight pushed open the great doors to the throne room, and walked inside, the doors slamming behind them.

“Awright, Meta Knight, you got some ‘splainin ta do here! Whuh you thankin’, buildin’ sum kinda spaceship unda my castle widout tellin’ me? Are yous workin’ for Kirbeh? Cuz if so you know dem consequences!”

“Yeah, mister, you’re out of order, makin’ the king look like an even bigger fool than he already-“

 

SMASH!

“Sorry, sire…”

“My liege, I should have told you, but-“

“Cut da excuses! You’re fired! And who’s this jokah ova here, some kinda peasant?”

“Ah, well, I suppose some introductions are in order. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight from another galaxy, and you won’t remember this conversation.”

“Whuh-“

Suddenly, Dedede and Escargoon’s eyes went blank and glazed over.

“Well, I believe that’s my cue to hide. I shall return, do not worry.” Obi-Wan replied in jest, before running at superhuman speeds out the door using the Force.

“Uh…whuh happened?” Dedede asked, still a bit groggy.

“Sire, you fell down the stairs and hit your head. I carried you back up here alongside Escargoon.”

“Escargoonie?”

“Ah…yes sire. Nearly threw m’shell out, but I got you up in the end.”

“Well that be mighty swell! I’m not gonna put you in my topshell tonight!”

“Thank ya, sire!”

With the situation under control, Meta Knight excused himself and jumped up to the castle’s rooftop, allowing him to clealry see the departing Obi-Wan in a Republic gunship he called in. It had to be done in the forest for security, but otherwise it seemed to go well. There was even talk of sending supplies in secret to help with the battle against NME, and Kirby now knew a few new tricks.

“Soraiyan, ready?”

“Yeah, Meta Knight. Is Kirby prepared?”

“…Jes.”

“He is ready.”

Emerl vs Jak and Daxter: Smackdown

Shadow: Well…the stage has been set. The research has been concluded.

Bowser: Now it’s time to find our winner. Are you ready?

Shadow: I’m Shadow, the Ultimate Life Form.

Bowser: And I’m Bowser, the Ultimate Dad.

Shadow: Okay, buddy, what makes you ULTIMATE, exactly?

Bowser: How about you get over here and I’ll show you, you little-

JJ: And I’m JJSlider, your host today. And it’s time…for a SMACKDOWN!

—
Spargus City…

“Aw, man, it’s great to be back in the Wasteland, huh Dax?”. This was said by the man walking up the steps to the Spargus City Arena. At 19 years of age, clad in the ancient Armor of Mar, sand goggles atop his head, Jak the Wastelander had seen it all. Giant dark machines, muscle bound energy blasting warriors, sinister racing championships, and more than his fair share of berserk Precursor Robots. But Jak had beaten them all, and was now taking a well deserved break while his girlfriend Keira was learning to unlock her eco sage powers in uncharted territory.

“Eh…I dunno, Jak. I was enjoying my basking in the lap of luxury. It’s not everyday you get worshipped for being a Precursor.” This came from the mouth of the little orange Ottsel sitting on Jak’s shoulder. Wearing his own miniature goggles and a set of blue shorts he got from a wish, Daxter was always ready to fight, even if he always had to whine about it the whole way.

“You do get worshipped every day, buddy.” Jak retorted.

“But today me and Tessy were gonna go see a play. It’s called…the Rise of the Great and Mighty Ottsel, Orange Lightning!” Daxter proclaimed.

“‘Oh boy…'”. Jak said to himself.

“Look Dax, let’s just go see Sig. He had something to tell us, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Better hurry before my butt starts to chafe. Don’t think I’ve ever washed these pants…”

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world…

“Alright, Gemerl, you wanna play hide and seek?” This squeaky voice originated from a small rabbit in a garden behind a quaint little hut. With tan colored skin, floppy ears, and wearing an orange sundress with a blue bow, Cream the Rabbit was the epitome of cute.

“I am sorry, Ms. Cream. I do not compute the purpose of this…hiding and searching activity.” The monotone, robotic voice came from a small, black and yellow colored robot with a strange combination of red and blue eyes. This was Gemerl, formerly an enemy of Cream and her friend Sonic before he was defeated and reprogrammed to become good. The robot was now living with Cream as a permanent fixture of her family, along with Cream’s mother Vanilla.

“Well…it’s easy! First, I close my eyes and count to ten. While I do that, you pick anywhere nearby and hide so I can’t see you, okay? When I stop counting, I’m gonna try and find you. If I do, that means I win? Do you understand me?” Cream said gently.

“Hmm…I do not see the point of this. It is nothing but a futile exercise. The seeker will eventually find the desperate prey.” Gemerl stated matter-of-factly.

“Well…yeah, that’s true. But it’s not meant to have a point. It’s just FUN!” Cream said with a spring in her step.

“Hmm…I do not understand.” Gemerl thoughtfully said, more confused than ever.

“You don’t have to understand, just do. Look, I’m gonna start counting, and you better get hiding, Mr. Gemerl, or I’m gonna be sad.” Cream said encouragingly.

“Do not cry, Mistress Cream. If it will appease you, I will engage in this hiding competition.”

“GREAT! Okay, okay…” Cream closed her eyes and began counting. “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8..9…10! Ready or not, here I come!” Cream opened her eyes…only to see Gemerl still standing in front of her.

“Mr. Gemerl! You were supposed to hide as soon as I started counting!” Cream said with frustration.

“I…seem to have had my memory chip tampered with. I do not recall this. Very well, please, begin your…strange counting ritual anew.”

“Hmm…Okay. 1…2…”

While she was doing that, Gemerl climbed up to the top of the hut and hid inside the chimney.

“9…10! Ready or not, here I come!” Cream opened her eyes and noticed Gemerl was gone. “‘Thank you, universe. I didn’t want to explain it again. Even I have my cuteness limits.'”

Cream began searching all over the lawn, looking under the picnic table, in the leaves of the nearby tree, under the ground at depths of 50 feet, and even flew up into the sky to check the clouds. No sign of Gemerl.

“Wow…he’s actually really good at this game. Better step it up!” Cream said to herself. That is, until she noticed a tiny orange speck next to her door.

“Am I expecting guests today?” Cream wondered as she examined her calendar. “No, my scheduled tea time with Amy and Mr. Sonic isn’t until tomorrow. Maybe it’s Tails asking if he wants to go out with me! Ooooooh…”

Cream flew down to her lawn and went inside. “Hi Mom! Are you making cookies for me and Mr. Gemerl?”

Vanilla turned to see her daughter and broke into a smile, before rushing to give a hug. “Yes sweetie. But…to tell you the truth, I might have to cut back on the cookies. I’m getting a little…large and in charge, if you know what I mean.” Vanilla said, an embarrassed look on her face.

“Mom, you’re just fine. But maybe you could give those cookies to Tails to make it easier for him to ask me on a date!”

“Cream…you’re not expecting that nice young man out there to be your boyfriend, are you? It’s not realistic! Honestly, I think you’ve been spending too much time with Amy, she’s rubbing off on you.”

“Mom…you’re embarrassing me!” Cream said in a whining voice. She then crossed the room and opened the door, and it turned out it was Tails after all.

“Hey Cream, how’s it going?” Tails said, as chipper as ever.

“Oh…it’s…it’s…going just fine. Th-Th-thanks for as-asking!” Cream stammered out.

“Hey, Cream, is it alright if I talk to Gemerl really quick?” Tails politely asked.

“…Mr. Gemerl? Well…okay. I’m still trying to find him though. We’re playing hide and seek, Mr. Tails!” Cream mentioned excitedly.

“Cream, we’re about the same age, you don’t need to call me Mr. Tails.”

“‘Darn…maybe this is getting in the way of me being with Tails. Better cool it for now.'” Cream thought to herself.

“Don’t worry Cream, I’m sure we can find Gemerl by using my…dun dun dun…METAL DETECTOR!” Tails said with much fanfare

“I could have gotten that for myself at the store.” Cream muttered under her breath.

Tails, however, didn’t fail to notice it, and began frowning. “‘Oh no, I must have hurt his feelings. Better suck up.'” Cream thought.

“But I’m pretty sure that it’s gonna be super duper special anyway, because the 300 IQ genius Tails invented it!” Cream gushed as loud as she could.

Tails smiled, and then turned on the device, which detected Gemerl in the chimney. So Tails rolled up his gloves and went inside. “Jeez, Cream, how long has it been since you cleaned this?” Tails asked as his perfect auburn fur became blackened with soot.

“You’re supposed to clean them?” Cream questioned.

Tails rolled his eyes, before grasping Gemerl’s ankles and pulling him out. “It seems I have failed the contest. You have found me easily. My circuits are full of shame.” Gemerl said with his head hung low.

“That’s okay. We’re all winners in hide and seek! Anyway, Tails has something he wants to tell you.” Cream said in an attempt to cheer up Gemerl.

“Uh…yeah. Gemerl, I’ve been working in my lab recently in attempt to patch up your old body. I’m finally done, and I brought it with me. I’m wondering if it’s okay to take your conciousness and transfer it back into your old body.”

“Tails…that’s great. But…are you sure that you can do this without hurting Gemerl?” Cream said anxiously.

“Well, technically Gemerl’s core processor can’t really feel pain. But I think I can do it successfully, and then we’ll have the old Emerl back again.

“That’s amazing, Tails! But…I think we should let Gemerl decide.”

“Good idea, Cream. So, Gemerl…how do you feel about this?” Tails questioned as he turned to face the black clad bot.

“Hmm…analysis indicates no change in overall power output. Also calculating that friend Mistress Cream appears to have what you refer to as wistfulness in regards to my old power frame. After much deliberation, this core unit has decided to abdicate its control over the one you know as Gemerl in order to return to prime state.

“Umm…I think that means that he wants to go back to his old body, Mr. Tails.”

“Great! Then let’s start right now! I’ll get my tools.” Tails said, absolutely elated to be able to work on such an advanced machine.

“Uh…Tails? Do you think it would be alright for me to…you know…spend one last day with Gemerl? Before he…disappears?” Cream asked with caution.

“This unit will still exist in a different form, Mistress Cream.” Gemerl stated.

“I know…but we’ve just spent so much time together with you looking like this, ya know? I just want to see it a little while longer.”

“Well…it seems okay. Go ahead, Gemerl! It could be fun.” Tails said reassuringly.

“…Of Course, friend of Mistress Cream. Perhaps we can try the game of hiding and seeking again. I will defeat all comers this time.” Gemerl said with confidence.

“Tails, do you wanna play too?” Cream asked, her eyes going all big and pleading.

“Well…alright.” Tails said, and together the threesome did all the usual activities Cream and Gemerl did together: eating snacks, playing games like hide and seek and Monopoly, telling each other stories of the experiences they had, and what they would do in the future, and even playing Truth or Dare. But at last, it was time, and Gemerl bid farewell before stepping into Tails’ makeshift workshop. Cream got up and stood next to the door, wondering if what came out would still be her friend.

Meanwhile, back in Spargus…

“Alright, listen up, you cherries!” This harsh voice came from the newly elected King of Spargus, the Wastelander Sig. Clad in Metal Head Armor and toting a Peacemaker on his staff, he had truly earned his reputation as one of the most feared and respected warriors in the world. How fitting he had taken his place as a Warrior King after Damas, the previous king, had died.

“I’m not sure if you were aware of this, but we’ve gotten reports of giant Metalpedes out in the Wasteland. They’re not too far from us, and they could potentially get in and destroy the city. We need you to take a vehicle and hunt them all down!”

“Got it.” Jak said, giving a little salute.

“You’re gonna need my help to find the Metal-pedes, ya know.” said the seductive Ashelin as she entered the room. Clad in a somewhat revealing female Krimzon Guard outfit and war paint, she was certainly far from a damsel in distress, or a petty royal. Surprising, given her nature as the daughter of the late Baron Praxis.

“Wohoho…she is smokin.'” Daxter said with a stupid grin on his face.

“Daxter! How could you!” said a small female Ottsel who stepped out from behind Ashelin.

“Sorry, Tess baby. Got a little distracted there.”

“Let’s melt these suckers.” Jak said, raising his fist in the air.

As the group walked to the race garage, they were intercepted by Kleiver, the muscle bound god of track thunder. Big, stocky, armor plated, and mean, Kleiver was not someone to mess with.

“Alright, ya short poppies. You go in, you go out, and we all go out to eat. Just kidding, I’m going out to eat.” Kleiver trash talked.

“I hope that eating involves some veggies, because you’re about as fat as that rainbow colored cock Pecker.” Daxter said unabashedly.

“Hey, I resent that. Onin has me on a strict diet of nothing but birdseed. I’ve really trimmed down.” This was Pecker, the interpreter of the soothsayer Onin.

“Keep it up, nipper, and my breakfast will be fried Ottsel.” Kleiver threatened.

Jak ignored him and stepped into his vehicle of choice, the Sand Shark.

“Come on Dax, let’s get going.”

“Right behind ya, partner.”

Play Music

The car wheels spun rapidly before the vehicle launched out of the gate and into the Wasteland.

Meanwhile, back at Vanilla’s house…

It was morning, and Tails had stepped out of the workshop. He wiped the sweat off his brow, then turned to face Cream, who staring with anticipation. “Now introducing…the new and improved…EeeeeeeeeeMERL!” Tails said with grandeur.

Then, another robot stepped out. He look nigh identical in physical structure, but now had blue eyes and a tan body. There was no doubt that this was Emerl, the ultimate Gizoid.

“…E…Emerl?” Cream asked slowly.

“…Hey Auntie Cream! How ya doin’?” Emerl said with happiness in his voice.

“Emerl…it really is you! Come give you aunt a hug!” Cream said, wiping the tears of joy from her eyes.

Emerl acquiesced to her wishes, then turned to face Tails. “Thank you too, Tails. Now, have you gotten stronger?”

Tails thought back to the time where he was too afraid to fight against Chaos 0, and how he had to rely on Sonic too much.

“Yep, I’m real tough now. So, now that you’re back, wanna do some sparring?” Tails offered.

“Nah. I’ve sparred with you and the others enough. I’m gonna travel the world, see if there’s other people I could fight. Then, when I come back, I’ll fight against Shadow again. He really gets me, ya know?” Emerl said, with his eyes ablaze.

Emerl noticed Cream’s eyes were watering, so he added “Don’t worry Auntie Cream. I’ll be back soon.”

Cream stopped crying and gave Emerl another hug, before Tails gave Emerl his prototype transporter. Bidding farewell, Emerl decided to set it random, as the wheel spun around before finally landing on the Wasteland, as Emerl disappeared in a flash of light.

Meanwhile, Jak and Daxter finally arrived at the spot where the Metalpedes were said to be located. They got out of the car and stepped forward ever so slowly, Jak pulling out his Morph Gun in the process.

Suddenly, a giant Centipede with a yellow gem in its skull burst out from the sand, and turned its pincers on the duo. Jak was about ready to fire a shot into its gut, when all of a sudden a robot plunged its fist into the Metalpede’s skull, piercing its brain and killing it instantly. It was Emerl.

Jak cautiously lowered his gun and yelled out “HEY! WHO ARE YOU!?”

Emerl slowly turned to face Jak without saying a word.

“Uh…Jak? Something’s not right here. I think it’s one of those KG Deathbots.”

“That’s impossible. We destroyed the War Factory and Errol with it.”

“There was a Metal Head here, wasn’t there?”

“True.” Jak conceded. So he pointed his gun at Emerl and ordered him to put his hands up. “Look, guys, I’m not one of those KG Deathbots or whatever you called me. I’m just Emerl, the most powerful robot ever! You guys are lucky that I showed up when I did, or you woulda been toast!”

“Uh…we coulda handled it ourselves, you hideous hunk of bolts!” Daxter replied.

“Sure. I guess if that’s true, maybe we should fight. I’m on a quest to beat some of the strongest guys around. Maybe you’ll be a nice warm up for some of the more powerful warriors I’ll soon face!”

“Warm up? Buddy, when we’re done with you, you’ll be spitting out bolts faster than your stupid quips! Right Jak? RIGHT JAK!? Hey, say some Hero stuff!” Daxter yelled at the two fighters.

“Enough talk. We’re taking you in to Sig for questioning.” Jak stated succinctly.

“Fine, but you’ll have to beat me first! Hehe.” Emerl said as he got into a battle stance, Jak doing the same.

Emerl made the first move, equipping his Shadow Run technique in order to increase his speed before he charged at Jak, stopping mid attack in order to equip his Girl Jab technique in order to deliver Jak some fast, albeit not especially hard hitting, single attacks. Jak was jostled around a bit, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He backflipped away and landed on a nearby sand dune.

From there, he took out his trusty Morph Gun once more and set it to the Scatter Gun mode, causing it to transform into a short, snub nosed gun with a red ammo supply on top. Jak began firing multiple short range blasts at Emerl, who took great care to dodge all of them with his lightning fast speeds.

So Jak decided to mix things up and use a fake out attack, firing to the left in order to get Emerl to dodge to the right, so he could nail him with a Scatter Gun shot, causing Emerl to fly several feet back and hit his head on some nearby rocks.

Emerl took a few precious seconds to shake his head and clear his thoughts, before he jumped back up and charged towards Jak again, this time equipping the skills Shadow Dash and Electric Straight, allowing him to move even faster than before and dodge all the shots Jak got off in an attempt to halt the tan technological terror in his tracks.

Play Music

When Emerl finally reached Jak, he got off a few Girl Jabs and finished with an Electric Straight, this time shooting Jak and Daxter into a nearby Cactus.

“Owowowowow! Do you know how long it’s gonna take me to get cactus needles outta my fur?! Lemme tell ya, it’s not fun!” Daxter yelled.

“Eh, don’t worry about it. Your fashion sense should be the last thing on your mind right now!” Emerl said, as he disappeared in the blink of an eye, reappearing right next to Jak and continuously delivering fervent barrages of Girl Jabs, Electric Straights, and the new techniques known as the Knuckles Chop and the Stretch Chaos, before finally delivering a Sonic Updraft to Jak’s chin, sending him 30 feet into the air, before jumping up to intercept the rising biomass with a well placed Tails Dunk, sending Jak and Daxter careening into the sand below.

Jak got up and tasted his lower jaw, and was surprised to feel blood. He figured that he would be able to beat this robot no problem…but apparently he would need to step it up a bit.

So, Jak switched gears and turned his Morph Gun to the Wave Concussor setting, making the gun longer and giving it a special new property…which Jak immediately demonstrated by letting loose an energy shockwave that intercepted Emerl as he was making his descent and caused him to fly away out of Jak’s eyesight.

Jak let out a grunt and urged Daxter to get on his shoulder, before pulling out his JET Board and racing after the fleeing robot.

Meanwhile, Emerl had touched down at the coast leading to the Precursor Temple. He got up and noticed that, like Jak earlier, he too had received damage in the form of a chip on his midsection. But Emerl wasn’t too badly damaged, so he got up and turned to face Jak, who was riding towards him on his Dune Hopper.

“Where’d you get that, huh? Looks pretty cool.” Emerl gushed.

“Maybe if you were good enough to be a Wastelander, you could get one of your own. But here, have a demonstration!” Jak roared, as he unleashed the Hopper’s grenades.

Emerl equipped his Cream Jump and jumped at least 15 feet in the air in order to avoid all the incoming shots.

“That was pretty good, but you’re not the only one who can jump super high, buddy!” Jak said, simultaneously activating the Jump Jets on his Dune Hopper causing it to jump as high as Emerl did, as Jak exited the vehicle and switched to his new gun, the Blaster Mod, and fired a few precise yellow energy shots at his unsuspecting foe.

Thankfully for Emerl, he managed to equip another skill of his, that being Ultimate Guard, shielding him from all the shots from the blaster, but he was caught off guard by the Dune Hopper crashing into him and forcing him backwards into the sea.

Mustering the strength he had gotten from sparring with Knuckles, Emerl grabbed the oncoming Dune Hopper, and performed a Hammer Throw the likes of which would have made Vector proud, causing the Hopper to sink into the ocean.

“‘Goddamit it…Kleiver’s gonna give me a major thrashing for losing that car. But I can’t worry about that now, I’ve gotta focus.'”

While Emerl was distracted, Jak ran at him and tackled Emerl at full force, causing both to careen into the nearby Metal Head Nest Cave.

There the two went, thrashing and tussling about, until Emerl equipped his Chaos Nightmare skill and threw Jak off right into a swarm of tiny Metal Heads. They clung to Jak like ticks and wouldn’t back off, and Jak wondered how he was gonna get out of this.

“Ooh Ooh, Jak, I’ve got an idea.”

“If it’s about rebuilding the Naughty Ottsel sign, forget about it. Little busy here.”

“No, no, try aiming for the walls with your Beam Reflexor. If we’re lucky, maybe the shots will bounce off the walls and hit the Metal Heads. They might even hit our little friend over there.”

“That’s…actually not a bad idea. Good going, Dax.”

Jak managed to reach his Morph Gun sitting a couple feet beside him, and switched it to Beam Reflexor mode, aiming some shots at the wall. When he fired the gun, the shots bounced multiple times off the walls, before striking one of the Metal Heads and killing it. Jak kept at it, firing more and more shots until the cave was littered with bouncing bullets and Jak was free.

Emerl unfortunately was not so lucky. He was pelted with the bullets from all sides, and even his Chaos Guard couldn’t protect him from all those shots. So, while Emerl was distracted, Jak took the opportunity to switch his gun to Gyro Burster mode, before ducking behind a wall and firing a UFO Projectile which Jak ordered to remain still.

As the last of the Reflexor bullets died down, Emerl sat wondering what this new weapon Jak had fired was capable of. He didn’t have to wait long to find out, though, as the UFO began firing multiple spreadshots in all directions, forcing Emerl to find cover. But the UFO just kept tailing him, following him up and out of the cave and continuing to damage the poor robot with yellow energy blasts. Jak and Daxter took to the JET Board to follow Emerl out of the cave to continue their capture plan.

Finally, a few seconds later, the UFO ran out of juice and collapsed to the ground, drained. Emerl breathed a sigh of relief, only to see Jak come up and attempt to fire another Gyro Burster shot…

and the trigger stalled.

“‘Huh?'” Jak wondered, as he began to examine the gun, only to see that last Gyro Burster shot had sucked away all his Yellow ammo.

“Uh Oh.” Jak and Daxter said in unison.

They were right to be scared, as Emerl appeared to be very angry. He got up, dusted himself off, and then rushed at Jak and Daxter, activating his Chaos Shot skill. Channeling his inner waterbender, he shot blasts of concentrated liquid at the duo, knocking them off their feet and leaving them open to yet another shot, this time from the Energy Ball cannon that materialized on Emerl’s arm. With it, he shot a concentrated blast of yellow energy at the duo much like they had done earlier, sending them even farther into the sky, leaving them open to Emerl’s Bat Cracker. He summoned a Bat shaped bomb that flew high into the sky and smacked into Jak and Daxter, sending them blasting off all the way to Spargus City.

Emerl breathed a sigh of annoyance and raced after them at hypersonic speeds, reaching the city before they did and greeting them with a well placed Sonic Drive, shooting a ring into the air and then spindashing into it, smashing into Jak and Daxter along the way and sending them crashing into a mountain, destroying it in the process.

Believing that he had won, Emerl turned his back on the shattered mountain and began attempting to call Cream back at her house. While he was doing this, he failed to see the tiny bomb that was shot out of a gun in the epicenter of the destroyed landmass, which landed right by Emerl’s feet.

By the time Emerl heard the ticking, he was too late to get away before it exploded in a small blast, damaging Emerl a significant amount.

“Never…EVER…turn your back on Jak and Daxter unless you’re sure you’ve killed them!” Jak said in a guttural roar.

Emerl sat up and wiped the oil from a crack on his head. “I’ll…I’ll be sure to remember that from now on. No more goin’ easy on you!”

“That was easy?”

Jak continued to fire shots from his Plasmite RPG that he used a few seconds ago, spreading them all over the area in front of the city as they exploded together in a giant maelstrom. Jak was about to shoot a few more bombs, but he felt that familiar click and realized he was out of red ammo as well.

“No Big Deal, right Dax? Hehe.”

“Jak…I think that you shouldn’t underestimate this guy. Like, you know it’s bad when me, the king of great comedy, knows that this guy is baaaaaad news.”

“I know, Dax. It’ll be fine.”

Jak switched his Morph Gun to the Vulcan Fury, and began firing a hailstorm of bullets at Emerl as he jumped back into the sand pit. These bullets weren’t as powerful, Emerl noted, as the Blaster, but they came out much more rapidly to compensate. “‘I can’t lower my guard for even a second.'” Emerl thought to himself.

Jak kept firing the Vulcan Fury like a madman, with Emerl equipping the Amy Run to avoid all of them. Just then, Jak realized that he had already fired at least a hundred or so bullets from the gun, and he only had about 200 shots left. He knew he needed to conserve his remaining ammo, so he switched to his Peace Maker. Taking aim, Jak fired at the cactus to the right of Emerl.

“Haha. You missed, Hawkeye. You couldn’t hit the broadside of a Master Emerald!”

“Are you sure about that, KG Scumbag?”

Emerl was confused for a minute, until the real power of the Peace Maker was set into motion, as its electricity arced off the cactus and hit Emerl, dealing extra damage as his metal body conducted the electricity.

By the time it was over, Emerl was steaming, oil flowing from about 10 different places. Put simply, he looked like a wreck.

“So…you wanna give up now? Or do ya want more?” Jak taunted.

“I’m…I’m never gonna…give up. I gotta win so I can…see my friends again. It’s…been so long.” Emerl said, confidence rising within him.

“Then I guess you better wave bye bye to them, because I’m gonna make sure you don’t see them again for a while.” Jak finished by jumping into his new vehicle, the Slam Dozer, and raced towards Emerl, simultaneously turbo boosting in order to build up momentum and firing the onboard gun.

Emerl, desperate to stave off the attack, activated his Recovery Mode skill, and began healing himself at an alarming rate. The oil flowed back into him, his cuts and scrapes closed themselves, and he was soon back to tip top fighting shape.

With that done, Emerl equipped his Megaton Hook skill, and with an incredibly powerful spinning arm attack, hit the Slam Dozer with enough force to smack it away into a tree, where it promptly blew up.

Unfortunately, Emerl was too distracted to notice Jak switching to the Mass Inverter and firing, releasing a wave of antigravity energy that forced Emerl into the air, while Jak landed safely on the ground.

“H-Hey, what’s going on?!” Emerl asked, confused.

“You’re stuck in the air, my ironclad enemy, and now it’s payback time!” Jak switched to the Arc Wielder and shot a blast of pure electricity at the helpless robot.

“Oh, and did I forget to mention? This bad boy does extra damage to things like you. Sorry.”

When Jak was finished, Emerl was once again bruised.

“Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. Yet. We still need you for questioning. Then, once that’s over…we’ll throw you in the dungeon for crimes against Spargus.”

Jak then switched to his final Blue gun mod, the Needle Lazer, and fired more shots at Emerl, until he ran out of energy.

It was at this point that the effect of the Mass Inverter wore off, and Emerl fell to the ground. As he struggled to get back up, he noticed Jak and Daxter giving each other a fist bump for a job well done.

Once again, activating his recovery mode skill, Emerl healed his wounds again at an alarming rate, which Jak didn’t fail to notice.

“So, you can heal yourself? Well, try healing from…this!” Jak exclaimed before switching to his last, and most powerful, gun, the Supernova. With it, he fired a single shot that arced into the sky before slamming into the ground, releasing a nuclear firestorm around Emerl that engulfed him.

“Is he…dead?” Daxter questioned.

Jak shrugged, and they looked into the storm, only to see Emerl emerge unscathed.

“What the-” The duo said, only to be cut off by Emerl.

“I activated my Chao Knight skill to block your attack. Did you honestly think you could get rid of me so easily? I told you, I’m the greatest robot warrior ever.

As Jak attempted to shoot another blast and failed, Emerl continued by saying “And it seems you are completely out of ammo. However…

mine is infinite.”

And so Emerl rushed Jak and Daxter down with the Shadow Slider skill, smacking him into the air with Sonic Updraft, jumping up to deliver a few Shadow and Sonic Rockets to Jak’s midsection, then grabbed Daxter and sent him underground with Chaos Impact, causing Daxter to disappear.

Lying on the ground, weakened, all Jak could think about was how his best friend was now at the bottom of a crater somewhere, most likely dead. It was all Jak could do to sit up, before he was forced back down to the ground by Emerl’s foot slamming into his stomach.

“So Jak, it look like at the end of the day I was King of the Hill after all. If your stupid rodent was here, I’d bet he’d laugh in your face. You are so pathetic. But hey, at least you’ll die today knowing that you lost to the best.”

“There’s…one problem with that…you piece of shit.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m not planning on losing this. YOU’RE DEAD!”

And with that, a surge of energy coursed through Jak’s body. Evil purple energy, the power of darkness, was fueling Jak, as he gave in to his inner rage over the loss of his childhood companion.

Jak’s fingernails grew long and sharp, his hair stood up even more and turned a shade of Silver, and Jak’s skin turned pale as a ghost. As he stood up, dark energy flowing off of him, he had been reborn. As Dark Jak.

“So…Emerl, was it? Get ready for Round 2. And I assure you. By the end of this…there’ll be nothing left of you to send home.”

As Emerl bore witness to the hideous abomination in front of him, he couldn’t move a joint in his body. He was frozen in fear, his gaze transfixed on the creature in front of him that had once been a normal human. Finally, he worked up the nerve to ask one question.

“Who are you?”

“I am Dark Jak. The power that you experienced before? The capabilities? They are nothing compared to what I can do now.
I don’t need this puny toy to defeat you. I will personally be responsible for ripping you to shreds, burning those pieces to cinders, and then…well…let’s just say it’s too horrible for words.”

Play Music

And with that, Dark Jak charged.

Emerl didn’t even have time to prepare himself before Jak was on him, slashing with his claws, kicking him in the gut, roaring like a starved animal, before he picked Emerl up and tossed him through the walls of Spargus City, making a giant hole.

The people within the walls screamed and raced for their homes as Dark Jak stepped in through the newly created hole and charged. So, like a matador, Emerl used his color change ability to make his skin bloodred, luring Jak into him before stepping aside to reveal a cactus that Jak smacked right into, getting a face full of needles in the process.

But that didn’t seem to faze Dark Jak at all, as he turned around and charged back towards Emerl. So Emerl summoned his strength and used his Ultimate Upper Attack to smack Dark Jak into the sky, where he stayed for a couple seconds before falling back down to leave a large crater in the ground.

But Jak got up right away and held his hands together, generating energy, before finally releasing it in the form of the Dark Strike, sending it crashing into Emerl and smacking him against the wall, before Jak leaped in to slash at Emerl with his claws some more, as Emerl equipped his Roaming Chaos ability and placed a ball of chaos energy right behind Jak, which followed Emerl and hit Jak in its trajectory, stunning Jak long enough for Emerl to kick him off and into another wall.

Now it was Emerl’s turn to lay into Jak, first using Shadow Chop, then IQ300 Attack, then Paralyze Cut, and finally Chao Tornado in a devestating 4 hit combo, sending Jak flying through the house that he was up against and into the lava filled Spargus Arena. This…was where the final clash would happen.

Meanwhile, Daxter sat up, shaking his head. He tried to remember exactly what had happened. The last thing he could recall was that robot smacking him into the ground, and now he was here.

“I gotta help Jak. No way he can take on that metal monster alone. Alright, brain, I know we don’t normally talk, but you gotta give me some ideas here!”

Suddenly, a rock hit Daxter in the head. As he tried to process where it came from, he saw his old bug catching equipment and remembered something.

It was awhile ago, after they had beaten the Terraformer. Jak was off with Keira doing something, and no one wanted to be with him, so he decided to take his bug catching equipment he’d gotten in Haven City and bury it as a tribute to Osmo, his old boss who had died earlier that year in the Metal Head Wars.

And now it was here.

“‘Never thought I’d use this stuff again, but duty calls!'” Daxter thought as he suited up. “Hold on Jak, I’m coming!”

Meanwhile, back in Spargus Arena, Emerl was still trying to avoid Dark Jak, but it certainly wasn’t an easy task.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You’re not scared of fighting a pissed off Dark Warrior, are you? Or was all your talk about being the greatest robot warrior just a load of bullshit?” Jak taunted.

“‘He’s wrong. I know I can still win this. I just gotta play smarter, not harder.'” Emerl thought. So, using the stealth training he had received from Rouge, he slowly but surely crept around the border of the arena until he was right behind Jak, and then he pounced, activating his Flexible Chaos skill to give Jak the ultimate punishment.

Jak’s ear twitched, so he turned around and saw Emerl coming towards him, so he activated his Dark Giant ability, growing to about twice his normal size and causing Emerl’s attack to harmlessly bounce off.

“Well, you’re just full of surprises, aren’t you big guy?” Emerl said, trying to make small talk.

“I dabble.” Jak retorted.

Emerl fired everything he could at Dark Jak: His Energy Ball cannon, his Magic Hook, his Chaos Magic, his Chao Cannon, the Sonic Wave, even the Air Chu2 Bomb. All of it just harmlessly bounced off Jak’s skin.

“Why are you so damn tough!?” Emerl questioned.

“Invincibility, bitch! Dark Invcibility to be exact! You can’t even touch me.” Jak said, laughing as he inched ever closer to Emerl.

“Oh, I don’t know. I bet if I keep hammering away eventually I’ll find a weak spot!” Emerl said, full of hope.

“But do you know where to hammer, exactly?” Jak mockingly questioned, pulling out a dark idol from his pocket and crushing it, turning invisible.

“Well…this is certainly new.” Emerl said. No big deal though, as Emerl simply fired Energy Balls in all directions. Most of them missed, as Emerl intended, and Jak did managed to scratch Emerl’s chest and leave a sizable mark, but some of them managed to hit Jak and cause his invisibility to flicker a bit, as well as make him let out a grunt. Emerl detected said grunt at a position to the northeast of him, so he turned his Air Cream Cracker in that location and fired, hitting Dark Jak and causing him to fall down, shattering the invisibility.

“Hehe…I told you Jak. I’m the best. And now…to make it official.”

Emerl cocked his arm cannon at Jak’s face, ready to end him, when all of a sudden he was trapped in a cage.

“What the heck?” Emerl said, surprised.

That’s when Daxter descended into the arena. “Guess what buddy? That bug cage you’re in is UNBREAKABLE. So you…are…done.”

“Bug cage, eh?” Emerl said, and got a sly grin on his face, before he just…broke the cage with his fist.

“OK, so that didn’t work.” Daxter said, getting nervous. “But how about some…FIRE!”

Dax blasted his flamethrower at Emerl, but it didn’t do anything. He tried his bug zapper, but it just bounced off Emerl’s skin.

“Your weapons are too weak. And I grow tired of this.” Emerl said, before smacking Daxter into a crate of Dark Eco boxes.

“Oh boy.” Daxter said, gulping, as the Dark Eco was infused into his body, transforming him into the giant hulking monstrosity known simply as Dark Daxter.

“Aw man…I didn’t think I’d look like this again. What’s Tess gonna say when I show up to our house looking like Jak before he gets a shave!”

Jak gave a growl, and Daxter straightened up. “Right, beat bad guy first, then worry about how to get my gorgeous Ottsel physique back.”

With that, Daxter shot a few dark energy blasts at Emerl, while Dark Jak followed up with Dark Strike. Emerl equipped his Sonic Jump skill to dodge both, causing them to dissipate when they hit each other. While Emerl was in the air, Jak used his final Dark Move, the Dark Blast, creating an arc of electricity to fly towards Emerl and zap him back down to Earth, dealing heavy damage to his circuits.

“Okay, big guy…you’re out of tricks now, right?”

“Hehe…you wish.” Jak said, before he transformed into his final form. His whole body turned white, his eyes glowed like starlight, and he had a heavenly glow all around him. This…was the power of Light Jak.

When Emerl witnessed this ability, he felt something new. A Power that he had never experienced before, a power more potent than he himself had seen in a long time. He felt his inner programming force itself to obey the call of nature and forge a new Link, a Link with Light Jak.

“Sys…tem Error…Rebooting…New Pro…gramm…ing ini…tiated…New…Link…Forged…Terminate…All…Enemies.”

“Uh…Jak? What’s going on?”

“Don’t know…but…I think we’re about to see some serious fireworks.”

Suddenly, Emerl stood up. His eyes were glowing a cobalt blue, and his whole aura seemed darker than usual. This…was Emerl’s final form, Ultimate Emerl.

Then all hell broke loose.

Emerl dashed at Daxter at inhuman speeds, hitting him with Ultimate First and Ultimate Second attacks too fast for Jak to react to them, before finally kicking him to the edge of the arena.

Jak used Light Jak Regeneration to patch his wounds somewhat, then used Light Jak Flash Freeze to slow time for all except Jak himself.

Emerl could only watch as Jak walked over and began hammering Emerl with a multitude of physical blows, before finally kicking him as the timer wore off and Emerl suffered the after effects of the attacks.

But Emerl didn’t stop, he kept charging towards Daxter, ready to end him with the finishing blow, only to be stopped by Jak’s Light Jak Shield. The Shield surrounded Daxter, protecting him as Emerl continued to attack like a crazed animal, before finally setting his sights on Jak. He charged towards Jak, but before he could reach the hero of Spargus, Jak activated the Light Jak Flight and flew up to the top of the Matter Formers made to spawn gladiators. However, Emerl just jumped from Matter Former to Matter Former to get onto the same platform as Jak, and began engaging in hand to hand combat.

Using the skills he had learned from Damas, Jak fought back, but Emerl too had been trained by a somewhat accomplished Martial Artist. So there they went, back and forth, neither one giving an inch, until finally Jak put all his power into one punch and attacked, with Emerl dodging and countering by pushing Jak off the ledge and onto the ground below. Bloody, beaten, and bruised, Jak had only one option: Using Regeneration one last time to heal all his wounds and get him back to max vitality, before he turned back into Normal Jak.

This was truly it. Jak had run out of options. So he had to rely on some of his other abilities. He opened his tube of Green Eco and absorbed it, allowing him to project a defensive shield around himself to block Emerl’s incoming attack. Emerl tried then to use a technique where he spin kicked, releasing a wave of energy towards Jak, but Jak created a construct out of the ground to stand in the way of the attack. Emerl kept on trying, but Jak kept raising new constructs for defense.

However, all this effort eventually led to Jak’s Green Eco being wasted. So he next went for the Red Eco, increasing his offensive power as he fought back against Emerl with all his might.

“Don’t you know when to give up? Perhaps I have been too lenient with you. The only option for you now…is death.” said Emerl, a note of deadly finality in his voice.

Eventually, the Red Eco’s power began to wane, and Emerl once again began to overpower Jak. So, using his last bit of Red Eco, he fired an energy blast, which Emerl casually dodged.

Getting desperate, Jak switched to Yellow Eco and continued his energy assault, but to no avail, as Emerl either dodged, tanked, or matched Jak’s blasts, and was about ready to deliver the killing blow, but Jak managed to stave it off by activating the Yellow Eco’s last function and jumping high into the air, landing on Emerl’s head and forcing him to the ground.

“‘This guy is unstoppable. I’ve only got one eco type left. I’m done. But I might as well fight to the end.'” Jak thought.

Meanwhile, in the corner, Daxter began to stir. He opened his eyes and saw Jak returned to normal, and decided he needed to step up NOW.

With a heavy heart, Jak opened his tube of Blue Eco and absorbed it, increasing his speed and allowing him to attack Emerl with a flurry of lightning fast jabs and dodge all of Emerl’s attacks in return. Emerl tried in vain to attack, but he just couldn’t land that crucial hit. At least, for now.

It was at this point that the blue eco faded too. But luckily for Jak, Daxter was by his side.

“You ready, partner?”

“Always Dax. To the end.”

Jak took his remaining stores of eco and combined them together into Light Eco, which he absorbed, turning him into Light Jak.

“This is it Dax. Light Eco-
“Dark Eco-

“BLAST!”

Jak and Daxter fired their energy blasts at the same time, as they crisscrossed with each other to form the ultimate attack.

Emerl was nearing his limit too, so he poured all his energy into his final attack as well.

“ULTIMATE GROUND SHOT!”

The two energy attacks collided, both seeming to be cancelling each other out. However,
slowly, but
surely,
Emerl’s attack began gaining ground, as Jak and Daxter’s beam grew weaker. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Emerl screamed as he poured all his energy into this attack, and it finally broke through and slammed into Jak and Daxter full force.
“Hehe…Well Bud. Looks like this it. We had a good ride, didn’t we?”
“You…can say…that again, Jak. Hehe.”

Those were the duo’s last words before they were incinerated.

And the one left standing, the one who had won the day…was Emerl, the Gizoid Champion.
“Whoo…that was really tough. Thank you, Jak and Daxter. That was truly one of the greatest fights I had ever experienced. May you rest with your Precursors in peace.”

JJ: Whoo…what a battle! What a way to finish!

Shadow: Eh, I coulda done it better.

Bowser: But, uh, why don’t we talk about why this scrawny little robot took the win?

JJ: Sure. First of all, Speed. This was a fairly obvious category admittedly. Jak certainly has some rather impressive things in terms of speed, such as dodging Sig’s Energy Blast and other feats that put him at a Hypersonic-High Hypersonic Level.
It sounds impressive…until you consider that Emerl is capable of matching Base Sonic and Base Shadow in speed, who have multiple instances of being Massively Hypersonic, such as dodging lightning, and Hotaru Lasers. It was certainly a very massive difference, allowing Emerl to potentially dodge almost all of Jak’s attacks.

Shadow: Next, Durability. Honestly, this one could go either way. Emerl has taken hits from city level opponents like Sonic and Shadow and remained standing with relative ease, however much of these city level things happened later in the series, in games like Sonic Generations, so saying Emerl should match up to that is iffy. Jak’s been shown taking hits from MCB-Town level threats like the Dark Maker Terraformer, and his Dark Jak form is invincible…but we’ll get to that later.

Bowser: Let’s just call it a tie. But in terms of AP, it seems to fall more in Emerl’s favor. Like we said earlier, Jak should scale to the MCB-Town Dark Maker Terraformer in his Dark Jak/Regular Forms, and his Light Jak form is more powerful than those, solidly putting it at town level.

JJ: However, Sonic and Shadow are both City Level threats, and Sonic X Shadow is debatably Island level in base. Characters like Knuckles should scale to this, and Emerl defeated Knuckles in the Chaos Emerald Martial Arts Matchup, which also included Rouge and Amy.

Shadow: In terms of versatility, they seem about even, with both having a decent amount of long range and short range options, but Emerl earns a slight lead by virtue of his skills being infinite use, while Jak’s abilities, including his transformations, are limited. His Morph Gun especially is guilty of this, as all weapons of a certain ammo color share ammo, so using a weapon means less ammo for the other weapons in that group. Both of them also have a healing factor, but Jak’s is limited while Emerl’s is not, and Emerl’s best versions of healing are about as fast as Jak’s.

Bowser: There’s also the matter of Emerl’s Ichikoro gauge. When it’s charged up, it allows Emerl to knock out opponents equal in level or lower than him in one hit. So…that’s handy.

JJ: In terms of intelligence, they seem about even again, but due to Emerl being a robot and having the capability to learn techniques of his opponents, we’ll say he takes this category. Their dark and ultimate forms are both animalistic and crazy, so we’ll say they’re tied there. However, Jak and Daxter take experience due to appearing in more games, and Emerl wasn’t exactly fighting for 4000 years.

Shadow: Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: What about Dark Daxter?

Bowser: In all honesty, Dark Daxter realistically shouldn’t even be a factor. It requires Daxter to absorb large quantities Dark Eco, which is completely random. And Jak doesn’t actually carry eco in tubes either, that was just put there for drama.

JJ: Even if we did put Dark Daxter in there, he’s just a slower, less versatile Dark Jak without invincibility, and since we already established Base Emerl is superior to Dark Jak, adding Dark Daxter probably wouldn’t change much. Especially since we’d have to add Ultimate Emerl, who can knock out Base Sonic in a few hits, can go ten rounds in 30 seconds, and is overall superior to his base form by a wide margin, even if he is as wild and crazy as Dark Jak. And Daxter in base is pretty pathetic, aside from being able to use Jak’s weapons. The tools he does have were made for catching bugs, and anything bigger than that will be able to stop these items no problem.

And as for Light Jak, his flash freeze might be somewhat helpful since Emerl doesn’t have resistance to it, but he doesn’t have the AP necessary to overpower Emerl within the 18 second at max time limit. The Flight is very inaccurately named as it’s more of a slow descent, and the regeneration, as already established, is very much a 1 or 2 use ability.

Shadow: Overall, Jak may be able to somewhat tie with Emerl in durability and maybe intelligence, but it was a combination of his extreme limits, coupled with Emerl’s greater speed, AP, adaptability, lack of limits on his moves, and a transformation with a much more generous time frame and really nice stat boosts, that gave this robot the big win.

Bowser: Looks like Jak and Daxter had Gi-zero chance in this fight!

Shadow:…I will kill you, you son of a-

JJ: The winner is Emerl, the Ultimate Gizoid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to break up this fight, bye.

Emerl (Winner)

+ Greater AP
+ Greater Speed
+ Greater Adaptability
+ No limits to his Moves
+ His Base form is superior in AP to Jak’s final form
++ Couple that with Ultimate Emerl, and it’s even more of a gap
+ Slightly more intelligent
= Versatility
= Durability
– Not as Experienced
– Many of his moves are just based around one central move with multiple variants
– Ultimate Emerl is very outside help-esque

Jak and Daxter (Losers)

+ More Experience
+ More Long Range options
+ Emerl isn’t immune to Jak’s time hax
+ Can fly to give himself greater mobility
– Weaker in AP
– MUCH slower
– Less Adaptable Arsenal
— All of Jak’s abilities have some caveat or limit, especially his guns
– None of Jak’s transformations allow him to close the gap with Ultimate Emerl
– Less intelligent
– Dark Daxtters is as much outside help as Ultimate Emerl
= Versatility
= Durability

Epilogue:

It was a sad day in Haven City. All the citizens had gathered in the port to pay homage to Jak and Daxter, their fallen heroes.

Everyone was crying, be it Tess, Ashelin, Samos Hagai, Sig, even Torn shed a tear over the loss of his great friend.

But Keira…Keira took it the worst. She just sat their, blank eyed, wondering how her boyfriend could just be so callously taken away from her, right when she was due to return and tell him the good news of her eco training.

“It’s…it’s just no fair, daddy! It’s not fair!” Keira cried.
“I know, Keira…I know.” Samos said, comforting his daughter.
And with that, the coffin carrying the ashen remains of the duo descended into the ocean.

Meanwhile, at Cream’s house…

Emerl reappeared from the portal, with Cream giving a fierce hug.

“Mr. Emerl, it’s so great to see you’re still alive! I missed you so much!”
“I missed you too Cream. It’s great…it’s great to be back.”

Tails then appeared from behind a curtain, a pair of googles over his eyes. “Hey Emerl, how’s it going?”

“Fine. But…”

“But what?”

“I don’t think I like fighting anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“It…it brings out the worst in people. In my fight, I was pushed to my limits, and as a result, I abandoned my morality. I was willing to kill to win. I…I don’t want to be like that again. I need to become a pacifist. Do you…think that can happen?”

“Well…anything’s possible.”

Emerl eyes lit up with joy, and he hugged Tails and Cream.

“Well…I want to get started right now. No more fighting…unless it’s for self defense.”

“So I guess your match with Shadow is off, then?”

“Who knows? I have to think about it…”

Rayquaza vs Spyro: Smackdown!

JJ: Now that the research has been concluded…

Bowser: The answer to this puzzle will no longer be eluded…

Shadow: Why are you rhyming, dumbasses?

JJ: It’s dramatic effect, Shadow, and ya ruined it! You just couldn’t stick to the script?

Shadow: Ultimate Life Forms don’t follow rules. They make them, and then break them.

JJ: Hmm…well, since Shadow completely ruined the intro…I’m JJSlider, your host.

Bowser: I’m the coolest, rudest king you’ve ever seen, BOWWWWWWSSSEEERR!

Shadow: I’m Shadow, and I’m the coolest!

JJ: And…uh, we’re here to find out which draconic lord of the skies will reign supreme…and which one will get his wings clipped forever. It’s Time…for a SMAAAAACCCKDOWWWWWN!

—

It was dark in the chamber of the Chronicler. It was usually kept this way to allow the ancient dragon within to focus his thoughts without distraction, allowing him to see the nature of the past, present, and future at any time. This was necessary, as all these events needed to be catalogued in order to provide heroes of the generation with the information they needed to help save the world.

And it just so happened that the current Chronicler, Ignitus, once the Guardian of Fire before he had died and taken over the role from the previous Chronicler, had a very special connection to the hero.

At that moment, Ignitus was sitting in his nest, tossing and turning as he was experiencing a rather disturbing nightmare. Black clouds and thunderbolts covered the sky, the once fertile plains of Avalar were now burning in a ceaseless fiery maelstrom, and a dark shadow was cast over the entire land, all with the sound of menacing laughter echoing across the horizon, along with the sight of a gold neckchain and a blue headband

“Ignitus…I am coming for you…and your hero.”

Ignitus awoke with a start, inhaling and exhaling heavily. “Hah…hah…what was that vision? It might have just been a dream…but the Chronicler never receives idle dreams. It must be a prophecy, of dark times brought about by some evil entity. But that’s impossible, Spyro defeated Malefor and saved the world. It must be a new evil…but the vision neglected to tell me what it was. Accursed unclear dreams! …Nevertheless, I should send Spyro a message. He needs to know how to stop this evil.”

With that, Ignitus went over to his table and pulled out a quill feather. Dipping it in the nearby engraved inkwell, he began to write “Dear Spyro…”

In the valley of Avalar…

In a small hut belonging to the Cheetah warrior Hunter, a duo of mid size dragons were sitting together in a bed, fast asleep. One of them was a black dragon with white horns, a red underbelly, and a thorny tail. This was Cynder, former puppet of the dark master Malefor, before being reformed to the light side and ultimately helping to destroy the villainous purple dragon.

The other dragon, with scales the deepest shade of purple, a yellow underbelly and horns, and a spiked tail, was having a decidedly less than pleasant experience. Spyro, the hero of the planet, was tossing and turning just like Ignitus, and was having the same dream of an apocalyptic world haunted by the ethereal laughter of a new evil.

However, just before Spyro’s dream ended, he caught a glimpse of one figure in the shadows, with red hair and glasses, before he was booted out and woke up in a cold sweat.

Cynder sat up and looked at Spyro with concern. “Spyro? You okay? You’re acting strange.”

“It’s fine, Cynder.” Spyro said reassuringly. “It was just a bad dream.”

“‘Or was it? I don’t think I’ve had a dream like that before…and those features in the shadows aren’t familiar to me. Could this dream be some kind of warning? Is there a new evil coming? Do they want me to stop it? But I thought Malefor was dead…unless it’s not related to him. I have so many questions…so I need to see the only one who can help me.'” Spyro thought to himself

“Listen, Cynder. I’m going to need to go for a morning flight. Clear my head and all that.” Spyro said.

“Of course. You seem a little on edge. Maybe the air will help you wake up.” Cynder affirmed.

Spyro exited the hut and set out for the village gate.

“Spyro! What are you doing? It’s dangerous outside, ya know?”

This came from the leader of the Cheetah Village, Prowlus, accompanied by his second in command, the former village traitor Hunter. Both were cheetahs clad in simple garb, armed with a quiver of arrows and a bow, with the only difference being their skin.

“I know, Prowlus, but I’m the purple dragon. I think I’ll be fine.”

“Well…I guess you’re right. Very well, Spyro. Just be careful out there, it could be dangerous.” Prowlus warned.

“I know.” Spyro assured, before flapping his wings to hover in the air and then soaring into the skies. Up here, Spyro felt completely at ease, letting the wind currents guide him as he soared all across the plains, passing the cave where he had rescued Meadow the healer, the cave with the weights to start the raft he had used to accomplish that, the passage leading to the old hermit under the falls, and even into the mountains, trying to make heads or tails of his vision.

“Hmm…what would Ignitus tell me to do if he was here? Well…probably something about meditating. But I’ve done that, and it hasn’t shed light on anything. I don’t know, maybe Mason in Dragon City could he-“

Suddenly, Spyro was teleported to the Chronicler’s home, where he was face to face with a large white dragon with blue robes, who seemed rather familiar to the young dragon.

“I…Ignitus?”

“Young dragon, I am disappointed. I thought you’d recognize your old teacher in any form!”

“IGNITUS!” Spyro cried out in joy as he raced over to hug his mentor that he had thought was lost forever.

“But…why am I here, in the Chronicler’s lair? Wait…don’t tell me…”

“Yes, Spyro. I have become the new Chronicler.”

“Wow, Ignitus. I’m really happy for you. Such a big job, but you seem to be pulling it off really well.”

“The time in the library researching did help quite a bit. But unfortunately, I did not call you here simply to catch up. No, I’m afraid we meet on more…dark terms. I have recently received some sort of vision, a vision of dark times ahead. But I could not tell who caused it, aside from a blue headband and a gold chain.”

“‘He knows it too!'” Spyro thought. “Ignitus, I’ve had a very similar vision, but instead I saw red hair and glasses. Do you think the visions are connected somehow?”

“I am sure of it. The only question is…how?”

Ignitus turned to his wall of tomes and began pouring through them book by book, trying to find an image of the things he had seen in both his and Spyro’s visions, until at last he reached the book entitled “Legends of the Hoenn Region.” He opened it up and looked inside, finally finding what he was looking for.

“Ah…here we go. It seems that these two were apparently villains who terrorized this ‘Hoenn Region’ long ago, but then realized the error of their ways after their actions created a terrible war between land and sea. Apparently, they’re now living peaceful lives as geologists.” Ignitus mused.

“If that’s the case, why were they in our visions? Do you think they’re going to try to make a villainous comeback or something?”

“I don’t know. But whatever the case, it’s clear what you must do, Spyro. Go and find Cynder, and travel to this Hoenn region. Find out what you can, and see if you can make this prophecy any more clear.”

“Understood, Ignitus.”

Ignitus then gave a curt nod before warmly gazing at Spyro with the proud look that only a father could give, before teleporting him back to the village in his hut…right on top of Cynder.

“Oof! Spyro, get off me!” Cynder whined.

“Uh, sorry.” Spyro flapped his wings and got off the squashed black dragon, allowing her to stand up. “Cynder, I’ve got to go somewhere far away…and I was wondering if…well…”

“Is it full of danger? Containing the chance you may not come back alive?”

“Well…yes.”

“Then of course I’m going with you, you big dork. I have to keep you safe, remember? Otherwise you’d just go charging in and get yourself killed”

“You know me too well.” Spyro said, giving a slight laugh, before he and Cynder touched claws and flew off into the air, following the directions Ignitus had implanted in Spyro’s head.

Across the world, in the Hoenn region…

The city of Mossdeep was bright and colorful, full of jubilance over the recent Draconid Festival honoring the mighty god of the Draconid people, protector of the planet. The streets were bustling with people, Tate and Liza were handing out party favors in Mossdeep Gym, and even the scientists at the space station were enjoying themselves, draping the rockets with pictures of Lunatone and Solrock.

The only ones not celebrating were two men, deep in the bowels of the former hideout of Team Aqua, who had tried resurrecting Kyogre the Pokemon of the seas to expand the waters.

“Hmm…Archie, was there no other place we could do this? It’s horribly wet in here and my socks are getting soaked to the bone.” This was said by the one wearing glasses, a red lab coat, and a full head of read hair, who was known as Maxie, leader of Team Magma, who had once resurrected Groudon, the continent Pokemon, to expand the land.

“Man, you just gotta lighten up. We may be livin’ in the dark now, but soon our plan and shit will be set into motion, and we’ll be all powerful! So just quit yer whining and enjoy dem crabs in your dinner.” Archie, leader of Team Aqua, bellowed.

“Hmm…very well. So, are we in agreement on my-er I mean our, plan?” Maxie asked.

“Yeah, I guess so. Sneak past the Sky Pillar guards, use this control device we got from Cyrus to bring Rayquaza under our control, and then use it to conquer the region and then the world. Then we…share…the power.” Archie said.

“Good…with the citizens of Mossdeep and Sootopolis distracted by that ridiculous Draconid festival, we will be able to sneak in completely undetected. The Hoenn region, nay, the planet, will soon belong to Team Steam Eruption.”

“Maxie, I respect ya, but I’m still not really sold on that name.” Archie butted in.

“The name is of little importance. Now, let’s get to the submarine.”

The two geographical juggernauts jumped into the nearby sub, before it submerged and exited the cave, headed for the nearby Sky Pillar standing as a symbol of the region itself. They made sure to stay out of sight as they emerged behind the pillar, away from the prying eyes of the Gym Leader Wallace standing guard. As they stepped out on to the beach, they looked upward and saw how tall the tower was.

“So…how we gonna get up there?” Maxie asked.

“Hmph. Groudon, I choose you!” Maxie called, before pulling out an Ultra Ball and tossing it, revealing the continent Pokemon Groudon within. It was titanic.

“Groudon, use Rock Climb!”

The two villains got on Groudon’s back, before it shrunk down and clasped the tower with its hands, pulling itself up bit by bit, dodging Banette and Dusclops along the way, until it finally reached the top, where a large green dragon was resting.

“Groudon, you have served your purpose well. Return.” 

As Groudon disappeared back into its ball, Maxie pulled out the control device. Then, very carefully, he tiptoed up to the sleeping behemoth, before climbing its neck and placing the gadget on Rayquaza’s head. Satisfied with his handiwork, Maxie slithered back down the neck and pulled out a remote, pressing the red button.

The device suddenly flared to life, and Rayquaza sat up, it’s eyes glowing red with malice.

“Uh…hey man, ya think it worked?”

“There is only way to find out, my foul mouthed ‘friend'” Maxie snarkily replied, turning to Rayquaza.

“My mighty beast, I command you, raze Mossdeep City to the ground!”

Rayquaza roared, before hovering in the air and then flying at unimaginable speeds towards the city. The two villains started laughing at their success, before they were interrupted by the sudden arrival of Zinnia, lorekeeper of the Draconid race, and Wallace.

“What have you two done? I thought you had changed!” Wallace exclaimed.

“You are far too easily fooled, you addle-pated twit. And now that my mighty beast is set to destroy all I command it to, you will henceforth refer to me as ‘Supreme Leader Maxie’!”

“Whoawhoawhoa…hold up. I thought we were equals in this!” Archie yelled.

“Yes, about that. Now that I have what I want, I don’t need you anymore. So after Rayquaza burns Mossdeep, I’ll have it turn its Hyper Beam on you!”

“Hey genius, you’re not the only one with a remote, ya know?” Archie pulled out his own copy of the remote, and pressed the blue button.

“Rayquaza, I command you to attack this poser and show him the true power of Team Aqua!”

Rayquaza stopped in his tracks and turned around, eyes blue now, before racing towards the tower.

“NO! Rayquaza, destroy Mossdeep!”

“Rayquaza, destroy Maxie!”

“Destroy Mossdeep!”

“Destroy Maxie!”

“MOSSDEEP!”

“MAXIE!”

“MOSS-!”

“MAX-!”

They were about to yell their next command, mashing their respective buttons over and over, when their remotes couldn’t take the strain and finally broke, releasing Rayquaza from their command.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” The two yelled in unison.

The device fell of Rayquaza’s head, as he shook it to focus his thoughts, before turning to his tower and seeing the two who had been controlling him all along.

Rayquaza was infuriated. How dare these pathetic humans shackle their protector and god in this manner? They would soon pay, pay with their lives.

Rayquaza flew towards the tower and rose to his full height, glowering at the two villain team leaders.

“Uh…hey, Rayquaza? How’s it going? Doin’ alright?” Archie asked, cowardice rising in his voice.

“Rayquaza, you must understand, uh, it was never my intention to shackle one as great as you. No, I was simply trying to…stop this one here from doing it, committing the ultimate noble act to save this region. If you must punish someone, punish this oaf who knows not how to respect the deities of our world.” Maxie explained.

Rayquaza was clearly unimpressed, as he opened his mouth and unleashed his mighty Dragon Pulse on the unfortunate souls, burning them to a crisp. With that done, Rayquaza still hadn’t satiated his bloodlust, as he turned towards Zinnia and Wallace and prepared to fire again.

“Uh…maybe we should take cover.” Zinnia squeaked, as she and Wallace ran down the steps of the Sky Pillar.

Since Rayquaza couldn’t fit in the tunnel, he decided to turn his attention to the nearest city, Sootopolis, and destroy it. Roaring into the sky once more, he set off for his destination.

It was at this time that Spyro and Cynder had finally arrived. Their wings were so tired that when they finally landed, they couldn’t fly anymore and had to wait about 10 minutes. When they finally did, they noticed Rayquaza flying through the sky, headed for Sootopolis City.

“Another dragon? You think that the prophecy was trying to tell us something about Terrador being manipulated?”

“Spyro, I don’t think that’s Terrador.”

Spyro took a closer look and saw how the dragon was much longer, sleeker, and had a different head shape.

“Yeah…I think you’re right. Hmm…maybe this dragon is what brings about the apocalypse caused by those guys in the visions. Well, whatever it is, I have to go stop it.”

“Spyro, don’t you think you’ll need help?”

“Cynder, if you try to help me, you’ll only get incinerated. It’s best if I go it alone.” Spyro said with confidence.

“Alright…good luck”

And with that, Cynder and Spyro nuzzled each other for a brief moment before Spyro took off into the sky, headed for the dragon terrorizing the region. When he finally reached it, he called out “Hey! Hey! Turn around and look at me, you scaly piece of crap!”

Rayquaza cocked his ears and turned around, seeing another dragon, a midget purple one, floating in front of him.

“‘Who the heck is this joker? Must be something else those stupid humans came up with to stop me. Whatever, I’m not gonna stop until I get revenge for those human’s manipulation of me!'” Rayquaza angrily thought to himself as he roared in Spyro’s face.

“Look, I ideally don’t want to fight you. I’m a dragon, you’re a dragon, maybe we can work something ou-“

Unfortunately Spyro didn’t get to finish his sentence as Rayquaza chomped down at the spot he had been a mere second ago. “Okay, I don’t think you heard me, I just want-“

But again, he had to dodge as Rayquaza fired a Hyper Beam his way, destroying the clouds behind Spyro.

“Huh…okay, I see that you’re not going to be nice and talk. So I guess I’ll just have to force you to stop attacking these people!” Spyro yelled, getting into a battle stance, Rayquaza doing the same.

Wallace and Zinnia crept up onto the roof of the tower and saw Rayquaza facing off against Spyro.

“What kind of Pokemon is that?” Zinnia questioned, pulling out her Pokedex.

“No information available.” The Pokedex reported. “So it must be something new we’ve never seen before. And it’s taking on Rayquaza himself? You think he’ll be okay, Wallace?”

“Whatever the case, that purple dragon is our only hope of calming Rayquaza. Let’s just hope he can prevail.”

“Alright, big guy, let’s start off nice and slow here. I don’t wanna hurt you too bad, ya know, and I am the purple dragon. So, it might be best if you just calm down and-WOAH!”

Spyro had to rapidly dodge to the side like a matador to avoid Rayquaza’s sudden charge, causing the serpentine dragon to miss him entirely and slam into the Sky Pillar, leaving a massive dent in its side. The tower began to wobble unsteadily, threatening to collapse.

“Uh…Wallace?” Zinna squeaked.

“I know.”

“Salamence, I choose YOU!” Zinnia called, bringing out a Quick Ball and releasing her faithful dragon. Zinnia and Wallace then got on its back before it rose into the air and flew all the way to a nearby island, landing on top of a palm tree. Once there, Zinnia recalled her Salamence as they sat back to witness the brawl.

Rayquaza shook his head, before turning around to face Spyro again, charging once more.

“Again? This guy never learns, does he? Beating him might be easier than I thought!” Spyro taunted, dodging to the side once again.

However, Rayquaza wouldn’t be fooled twice. Just as he passed Spyro, he flicked his tail at the unsuspecting dragon, smacking him in the side and sending him crashing into the ocean, creating a giant wave spreading out in all directions. However, it wasn’t enough to keep Spyro down, as he just got up and took to the skies once again, clashing into Rayquaza as he did so. The two flew all across the clouds, hitting each other and over again with their skulls, neither one conceding to the other, until finally they stopped as they flew over Fortree City.

“Hmm…guess maybe you won’t be so easy to take down after all. No biggie. I’ve taken on things way bigger than you. Let’s see how you deal with me turning up the HEAT!” 

With that, Spyro opened his mouth as a faint glowing light appeared within, growing brighter and brighter until it finally released as a blast of fire, aimed directly at Rayquaza. The green behemoth was in the epicenter of the blast as it covered every part of him, yet when the dust cleared, he was still standing, a little scorched, but no worse for wear. If anything, he seemed more pissed off than hurt.

“Huh? Usually that’s enough to kill your bargain basement Grublins or Ape Guards. Guess this one’s a little bit tougher. And a tougher enemy deserves a tougher blast.”

Spyro charged up his fire breath again, but this time kept holding the charge as he dodged all of Rayquaza’s charges, until he finally let loose Dragsooth’s Fire Blast of the Eternal Inferno, creating a flame cone almost as big as the Sky Pillar, turning all the nearby ocean water to steam and scorching the underwater Corsola and Relicanth. And yet, Rayquaza still remained standing, albeit he was starting to show some signs of damage.

“Oh, I get it. Fire isn’t very effective against him, but it still does damage. Maybe depending on what element I use, I can deal more damage. But what elements are good against him? I don’t know, I guess I’ll keep trying until I find it.” Spyro mentally strategized.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to rest as Rayquaza retaliated with a beam attack of his own at long last. He coated his body in energy and then flicked his tail multiple times, releasing waves of wind energy straight at Spyro. Each one smacked him in the face, until the last one hit him and sent him flying into a nearby island, cracking it in two. This attack was the fearsome Air Slash, and with that, Rayquaza let out a triumphant screech into the air, as if saying Beat that, ya punks!

Unfortunately for the titanic terror of the skies, Spyro wasn’t quite down and out yet, as he sat up. Cocking his head, he released another series of attacks from his mouth, this time being Malak’s Fire Bomb of the Burning Plains. Rayquaza was too busy grandstanding to notice the attacks coming as they pelted him hard, causing him to slowly lose altitude and fall towards the ocean, the domain of Kyogre.

“Aw yeah, this is happenin’!” Spyro exclaimed, taking to the air once more as he decided to change tactics, switching to his Electricity breath. He noticed that Rayquaza had fallen into the water, and got an idea. He aimed his next blast at the water and fired, an arc of thunderous electricity surging from his mouth and striking the water a second later, causing the liquid around Ray-Ray to become alight with sparks that electrocuted the struggling beast, leaving it blackened.

“‘Hmm…that electricity seemed to do more damage overall. Maybe I should just…keep using that. Or maybe I’ll save that as a secondary and keep cycling through. Alright, so after electricity breath comes…lightning bombs!'” 

Spyro lobbed one of Penagar’s Thundering Electric Arcs at the stunned Rayquaza, but Rayquaza managed to snap out of it just in time to retaliate by using Extreme Speed to dodge out of the way of the attack as quick as can be as he flew up to Spyro and started smacking him with extreme force in all directions, not giving Spyro a second to react to avoid it.

“‘Hmph. This stupid whelp doesn’t know my power. It is time, now and forever, to show him what happens when one chooses to tamper with my power.'” Rayquaza thought angrily, as he continued bashing poor Spyro upside the head.

“‘Uurgh…this power is something truly special. Maybe even more powerful than Malefor. Guess I really gotta step it up if I wanna win.'” 

As Rayquaza charged in for another assault, Spyro wreathed his body in lightning energy and began spinning around at inhuman speeds, turning into an Electric Tornado of doom that intercepted the Extreme Speed and redirected its force into the Sky Temple once again, causing the emerald warrior to smash into the wall once again, Chatots circling Rayquaza’s eyes as he dropped to the ground below.

“Aw yeah. Let’s try the next power: EARTH!”

Spyro switched to his newest breath attack and fired Yangdrithis’s Shattering Earth Shot at Rayquaza with all his might. However, due to the embarrassingly short-ranged nature of the attack, the blast didn’t even reach a fifth of the distance needed to reach Rayquaza on the ground. Not one to be deterred, Spyro continued to launch attacks at a steady rate, not realizing how much he was draining his already dwindling supply of mana.

“This clearly isn’t working, and that big ass dragon is about to wake up! Better switch to-“

Spyro was stopped in his tracks when Rayquaza ascended and stood eye to eye with Spyro, breathing heavily. Spyro could feel his heart rising up in his chest as he faced down this beast that was floating before him now, and grew even more scared when Rayquaza opened his mouth and started pooling large quantities of draconic, nuclear energy within, making the power grow more and more and more until finally…

HYPER BEAM!

Rayquaza shot a concentrated blast of energy out of his mouth that hit Spyro dead on and sent the young dragon flying thousands of miles away, to a place Rayquaza hadn’t been in quite a long time…

When Spyro finally landed, he was smack dab in the middle of Castelia City, in the faraway Unova region, crashing into the Medal HQ building and causing it to collapse into pieces, endangering and even killing those inside. Spyro tried to reach inside and offer assistance, but the people were either too scared of the dragon who had seemingly caused this catastrophe, or were too weak to grasp the dragon’s wings before the structure crumbled.

“MMM….RAYQUAZA, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, SO HELP ME I WILL STOP YOU AS VENGEANCE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!” Spyro yelled to the heavens.

He felt a familiar surge running through his body, the power of darkness. “Nonono…gotta keep that under control. If it got loose who knows how dangerous I could be? I don’t wanna hurt these people, they’re innocent” Spyro said cautiously.

He then was brought back from his momentary stupor by the sound of an earsplitting roar echoing and rebounding off the nearby windows. “Goddamit, can’t this thing just…leave me alone or something? I guess not. Ah well, better try something else. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this, but clearly I have no choice.”

Play Music

With that, Spyro reached into hammerspace and pulled out 9 pieces of armor, equipping 3 of them, which gave him the power of regenerating his lost vitality, as well as increasing his defense and turning his very skin into a weapon that would damage enemies who dared try to attack him.

Rayquaza was not deterred, as he simply opened his mouth and fired yet another destructive move, this time being the marvelous Ancient Power, summoning a set of fossilized rocks and throwing them at the unsuspecting purple dragon.

When Rayquaza hit Spyro this time however, Spyro experienced a stabbing pain that he hadn’t felt from any of Rayquaza’s previous attacks, almost as if his entire body was straining to keep itself from falling apart. “‘But this doesn’t make any sense. Those other attacks were way more powerful than this one…maybe it has to do with the type of move it was. Maybe I fall victim to the same move weaknesses and strengths as this other guy. That was a bunch of rocks, so I guess any move with that type of element is gonna hurt a lot. Duly noted.”

Sadly, this particular display of weakness from the purple dragon was not lost on Rayquaza. “‘Hmm…it seems like this other, inferior dragon is weak to my Ancient Power. Perhaps it is something akin to me, a creature who possesses the power of both draconians and flight. So…I should focus my power into my pulses of deadly wyvernic energy, and these rock shards. He may have been able to heal from my first volley of attacks, but I am sure that under repeated offense, this whelp will fall like all those before him.'” Rayquaza summarized as he flew down to see his masterful handiwork.

Spyro was lying on the street, barely conscious after that last attack. Panting as he got to his feet, he began pacing around in a circle, locking eyes with Rayquaza as it sort of did something similar.

“Do you know what kind of power I possess, buddy? More than you could ever dream of. I have more abilities in my right claw then you could have in 10,000 lifetimes, and now I’m going to prove it. You’ve pissed me off, and now you’re going to see the fruits of your labor. Enjoy.”

The air began turning a greenish color, imbued with the images of leaves and flowers whipping about all over the place as a column of natural energy began forming around Spyro. Time seemed to slow down briefly around the dragon as he pulled the energy in close, letting it fester and grow until finally…it was released.

Destructive waves of earthen energy flowed without rest as Fury of Kytheron’s Wrath of Nature was set in motion, causing Castelia City’s buildings, streets, and even sewer system to collapse in on themselves, buckling under the sheer power and intensity of this dragon’s rage. No one was safe, not even the leader of Castelia City, Burgh, as the spider webs in his gym began falling apart.

“I said I wanted dynamic movements of my muses for my artwork, but this is ridiculous!” Burgh yelled as he was crushed by the weight of the webs.

Rayquaza, meanwhile, was blown away by the sheer power and force of the attack, causing him to be sent flying all the way to someplace very familiar to Spyro, as he once again spread his wings and took flight…for home.

At the Dragon Temple…

Rayquaza rapidly made his descent, crashing through the temple roof and destroying the ancient Dragon Statue in the Training Room. Rocks falling all around him, Rayquaza slowly got up and groggily looked around, trying to make heads or tails of where he was.

“‘Hrmph. It appears that I have landed in some place completely unfamiliar. This doesn’t look like any region I’ve ever seen. And…I can feel the presence of massive draconic energy. Something incredibly powerful, yet vaguely familiar…Whatever it is, it’s time I stopped fooling around with this young dragon. He deserves my full power and attention, for the brief moments that remain to him.'”

Rayquaza then closed his eyes, curled up into a little pile, and began concentrating, drawing in energy from his surroundings, energy that would allow him to finally achieve his true power without the aid of humans…

Meanwhile, Spyro was trying to find out where exactly Rayquaza had crashed. He had received a message from Ignitus pointing him in the direction of the old Dragon Temple, but he didn’t get anything else.

“Hehe…this place takes me back. Wonder how Volteer and Terrador and Cyril are doing? And Sparx…” Spyro reminisced, touching down on the balcony, only to see a familiar face.

“HEY, Spyro!” 

Spyro rubbed his eyes with his wing and glanced again, believing this to be an illusion. But no, standing(or rather, hovering) right there, in the flesh, was Spyro’s oldest and closest friend, Sparx. Spyro hadn’t seen him since the day they had defeated Malefor, as Sparx had chosen to go on his own journey to become strong just like Spyro.

“Sparx? It’s been forever! How you doing, buddy?”

“Eh, you know, just keepin’ busy. Like, just a while ago I was visiting those Atlawans. They’re still worshippin’ me like a god. Then I decided to go and see Mole-Yair and the Manweersmalls. But I had to cut the visit short cuz Boyzitbig was about to erupt. They did send a postcard in the mail though, but I think it might have burned up, so…after that, I visited this monastery up in the clouds. It was paradise, with beautiful food and…monkeys. It was kinda weird but they taught me these sweet martial arts techniques. HOOWAA! HIYAH! HEKDKE!” Sparx rambled.

“Sparx, it’s great to see you, but I don’t have time to catch up. There’s a giant green dragon here and we gotta stop him!” Spyro warned.

“Oh, you mean like Malefor? Well…I don’t like it, but I’ll follow you anywhere, man.”

“Thanks, Sparx. I knew I could count on you.”

“Hey, if it’s not me it’s the queen of darkness herself, and somethin’ tells me you need a…softer touch.” Sparx responded.

The two smiled at each other…right as a giant beam of light descended from the heavens and struck the temple’s roof. “C’mon, Sparx, let’s go!” Spyro yelled, racing inside, the golden dragonfly hot on his tail. As they reached the inner sanctum of the temple, they noticed a giant purple cocoon sphere where the Dragon Statue had once been. “Uh…friend of yours?” Sparx asked.

“If I’m right about my hunch, definitely not.”

The sphere began pulsating and expanding, with tiny cracks appearing on its surface, like it was about to break apart.

“…Spyro?” Sparx said with fear.

“Whatever happens, stay behind me.”

“You don’t gotta tell me twice, oh great and mighty dragon.”

With that, all hell broke loose as the cocoon finally shattered, revealing Rayquaza…but not Rayquaza. He still maintained the same basic appearance, but now had an extra pair of horns on the side of his head, yellow Omega symbol streams dangling off his body, and had turned a menacing looking black color. Unbeknownst to Spyro at the time, this was Rayquaza’s final form…

Mega Rayquaza.

Play Music

“Uh…Spyro, I’m not gonna lie. That thing scares the crap outta me. I’m not sure we can beat it.” Sparx whispered.

“It’s okay Sparx. Win or lose, we do this together. But we aren’t going to lose.” Spyro said encouragingly.

“For my sake, I hope you’re right.”

Rayquaza let out an earth shattering roar that made a dent in the temple walls, before lowering his head to gaze at Spyro with a look of undisguised anger and power.

“Hehe…hey buddy. So…listen. I didn’t really mean all that trash talk from earlier. I think you’re really…really cool, and I really wanna-“

Spyro didn’t get to finish his kiss up attempt, as Rayquaza up and chomped down on Spyro’s head with Crunch. Flailing his head all over the place, Rayquaza tossed Spyro like a rag doll, catching him again with his mouth.

“Hold on man, I’ma coming!” Sparx called as he flew up until he was level with Rayquaza’s head, then began smacking the giant dragon with his wings. However, due to Sparx’s diminutive side, it was essentially the equivalent of a flea trying to hurt a dog. But it did distract Rayquaza long enough as he was flicking the dragonfly off for Spyro to free himself from Rayquaza’s jaws. Thankfully, the armor on Spyro’s head took the brunt of the attack, but it was pretty much beyond repair. So Spyro reached back into hammerspace and pulled out a new helm, placing it on his head and giving him the ability of increased melee attack damage.

And just in time too, for Rayquaza was charging in with another Crunch. Spyro jumped into the air and delivered unto Rayquaza a series of tail smacks and horn attacks before finally delivering a finishing attack and sending Rayquaza smashing into the far wall and into the room with the Pool of Visions.

Rayquaza had taken a lot of damage, so he decided to heal really quick. He once again curled into a little coil and went to sleep, using his Rest to heal all damage and status ailments, at the cost of being unable to defend himself.

“EARTH BOMBS AWAY!”

Spyro began shooting tons of Hargen’s Earth Bombs of Spinning Terror at the motionless Rayquaza, rocking and jostling the sleeping biomass all over the room while it could do nothing to prevent it.

“‘Uurgh…this is annoying. I must wake up now. NOW! NOW NOW NOW!'” 

Rayquaza’s inner screams of primal rage were enough to end the long slumber, and he countered the next earth bomb with a well placed Hyper Voice, redirecting the earth bomb back at the unsuspecting Spyro…or at least he assumed it was unexpected. In actuality, Spyro had seen it coming and activated his earth flail, swinging it around and hitting the bomb back at Rayquaza, who countered it this time by swirling his body in the air at speeds fast enough to create a Twister, which intercepted the bomb and sent it back once more, this time succeeding in hitting Spyro and knocking him out.

While Spyro was incapacitated, Rayquaza took the opportunity to use a Dragon Dance, channeling his inner mystical energies to boost his power and speed to levels not seen before, and then reached down and picked Spyro up with one of his claws, staring him in the face. When Spyro woke up, he was face to face with Rayquaza, who suddenly twisted and contorted his facade into one of sheer malice.

“OH SHIT!” Spyro screeched as he jumped away and hit his back on the wall, falling to the ground. As he got up, he noticed that he couldn’t move, for his feet were transfixed in horror at the power of Rayquaza’s Scary Face, making Spyro slower than ever as well as dampening the young dragons’ resolve.

“‘It’s time to finish this once and for all, impostor dragon!'”

“Y-y-yeah, su-su-sure. L-like I’d l-let that hap-happen!” Spyro stammered, switching to his next breath, the breath of wind. With that, he fired a wind tornado at Rayquaza, who activated Twister once again to block the tornado. Spyro kept shooting tornadoes as fast as he could at the swirling mass, and Rayquaza kept deflecting them. However, not even the god of the Hoenn region could block these vortexes forever, and eventually 2 managed to slip through and strike Rayquaza directly, spinning him around and around in the air and making him dizzy, leaving him wide open as Spyro switched to the next, and in this case most effective, of his elemental breaths, that being Ice. He fired Bissthalan’s Hypothermic Ice Stream at the stunned Rayquaza, and Rayquaza screeched in agony as the cold touched his body. He began thrashing about, desperately attempting to stave off the damage from his fatal weakness.

“Ah ha! It seems that ice is the most effective form of dealing damage here. Good to know!” Spyro exclaimed before attempting to fire again…

only to realize he had finally reached his limit on mana output, and he was now defenseless.

“Uh oh.” 

Rayquaza was clearly not amused, as he rose to his full height, anger burning in his eyes, and activated his mighty Delta Stream to summon a mighty hurricane that blew away the entire temple in the blink of an eye.

Spyro stared in horror as the place where he had been taught his true destiny, the place where he had lived among his friends for so long, the place where he had finally felt safe after living in the dark for so long…was just swept away, permanently.

Spyro snapped.

He breathed heavily, eyes alight with anger, as he fixed Rayquaza with a glare that could destroy cities, as his eyes turned as white as a ghost, his scales became black with fury, and a fearsome storm surrounded him, shooting ambient lightning bolts in all directions, as if to announce the arrival of the ultimate destroyer, the one who would singlehandedly bring about the end of days. Then, the dust settled, the clouds dispersed, and what was left was a small black dragon filled with enough hate and anger to rival Asura himself. This was Dark Spyro, and he was pissed off.

“Alright…I tried going easy on you, but you’ve crossed the line! Now…now I’M GONNA KILL YOU, BASTARD!” Spyro screamed to the heavens, dripping dark energy from his mouth as he prepared to fire.

Rayquaza opened his mouth too, a stream of purple energy appearing within, almost alive in how vengeful and angry it appeared to be. Both of them continued to charge, pouring all their energy into the attacks, until finally…

Spyro’s powerful Aether Breath and Rayquaza’s Dragon Pulse shot out and collided with each other in an epic beam struggle. Purple clashed with purple, light vs dark, Jesus vs Satan(okay, maybe that last one is going a bit too far). But neither one seemed to gain the decisive edge they needed to pull out ahead.

That is, until Spyro put more energy and juice into the attack, causing to grow wider and wider until it eclipsed Rayquaza’s Dragon Pulse by several meters of width, and slowly gained ground, diminishing the size of Rayquaza’s attack bit by bit.

To avoid the damage, Rayquaza used Fly, rapidly ascending into the stratosphere to avoid damage. “Where’d you go, you stupid coward!? I’ll find you and END YOU!” Spyro bellowed, unaware of how Rayquaza was descending right above his head, too late to avoid the crushing sensation of Rayquaza squashing Spyro underbelly, before getting off to avoid the counterattack.

“Uurgh…piece of shit. TAKE THIS!” Spyro yelled, before firing his Aether Breath once again and toppling Rayquaza.

“Huh…looks like this power is super good too. Good to know.”

Rayquaza lay on the ground, defeated. “Hehe…looks like I win! And as my prize…I’m gonna destroy everything that you’ve ever known, and everything in a thousands mile radius of that. All GONE! So I hope you enjoyed your little ‘kingdom’, asshole, because it’s gonna be gone soon!” Spyro taunted.

While he was in the middle of his monologue, he heard a flapping sound, so he turned around and saw Cynder, along with Sparx, flying up to reach him.

“Cynder, get out of here! I don’t want you getting in the way when I annihilate this trash!”

“Spyro, that’s just it! This isn’t you. You’re not thinking clearly!” Cynder cried out.

“What do you know? I’m about to fulfill Ignitus’s prophecy and save us all! This is my destiny! So get the hell out of here, before I kill you too!” Spyro then backhanded(or backwinged, I suppose) Cynder across the face, sending her sprawling on the ground.

“Alright, man, that’s it! No way the Spyro I know would want to hurt his friends. Snap out of it buddy, come on! You can do it, man, please!”

Spyro blinked his eyes, and then pupils reappeared within them. “S-Sparx? Is that you…I’m sorry.” Spyro then began turning back to his normal form, with a guilty look in his eyes. “Uh…I’m sorry about all this guys. I guess…I guess the temple being destroyed made me go too far. I gotta be more careful.”

“If you can live that long. This fight isn’t over yet. LOOK OUT!” Cynder warned.

Spyro turned to see Rayquaza had finally gotten up, bruised and battered, but still very much alive. Enraged, Rayquaza channeled his anger into one of his most powerful moves, Outrage. Twisting and writhing, Rayquaza slammed his head down onto Spyro, expecting the young dragon to disappear into a mess of red blood and guts.

Unfortunately, the attack just happened to slam into Spyro’s newly created amber barrier, shielding him and his friends from the effects of Rayquaza’s attack. Unfortunately for the green giant, he couldn’t stop himself from engaging in Outrage once more, this time shattering the barrier. Unknown to Rayquaza was the fact that doing that allowed Spyro to free himself when he wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.

While Rayquaza was distracted by the crystal breaking, Spyro unleashed Hydrax’ Ice Shards of Arctic Hail on the stunned Rayquaza, but the Delta Stream halved the damage making it so Rayquaza was relatively unharmed somewhat. Frustrated, Spyro then equipped his second armor set to allow him to use the Aether Breath for a second time, with the combination of Ice and Dragon element attacks leaving Rayquaza with thousands of wounds all over his body, all spewing blood onto the ground. While Rayquaza was distracted, Spyro switched to his third and final armor set in order to unleash a nuclear firestorm from his mouth unto the poor Rayquaza, engulfing him in a mushroom cloud the size of a city.

When it was all over, Rayquaza was barely alive. He was clawing at the ground feebly in a desperate attempt to stave off his inevitable demise, in a way unbefitting for a warrior such as himself.

“‘Uuh…how can I…how can I be losing this? This was supposed to be a fight I could win with ease. Instead I’m kowtowing to this fool on the ground. Goddamit!'”

“Hey? Hey man…you okay?”

Rayquaza feebly opened his eyes to see Spyro was kneeling next to him, extending his wing. “Look…I guess I’ve realized in all this that…well…both of us were being kinda stubborn and hard headed. Me especially. If it weren’t for my friends…I might have lost myself to the darkness and destroyed everything, and that’s not what I want. I want to create a world of peace, a world where everyone can live in harmony with both nature and each other. And the first step is for us to make up. You know, dragon to dragon? So…why don’t you put ‘er there, and we can go hang out or something? What do you say?”

Rayquaza was still for quite a long time. It seemed like the planet itself had stalled, awaiting Rayquaza’s decision. Then…the mighty dragon got up, and outstretched his miniature hand to Spyro.

Spyro smiled and reached out his own claw to shake, as Rayquaza struck, aiming another Crunch at Spyro’s head. However, Spyro managed to use Dragon Time to slow time down and dodge the attack, before kicking out and smacking Rayquaza into the wall, but there was no wall to smack into, so Rayquaza simply recovered, and began his final, most devastating attack, flying high into the stars before becoming a green ball of energy and careening towards the Earth, using Dragon Ascent to full effect.

“Spyro…”

“Ignitus?”

“It is time to unleash the true dragon, within you.”

Spyro nodded and equipped his armor to boost the power of his fury attacks, before activating his final move. Purple sparks surrounded Spyro on all sides, gradually coalescing into exact, ethereal replicas of Spyro’s head. The very air turned the darkest shade of purple, and thunderstorms ravaged the battlefield. The construct heads grew larger, and larger, and larger, until finally…

Spyro released them, as they flew up towards Rayquaza and clashed with Dragon Ascent.

It seemed that all around the collision, the universe was beginning to unmake itself. The sheer power and mind bending nature of the attack was just so that planet was beginning to crack apart, unable to hold firm against the strain the attack was putting on it. It seemed like it would finally end, in a tie, but something happened.

Rayquaza was beginning to tire, and his Dragon Ascent slowly started to lose momentum, while the Spyro heads continued to collide, showing no signs of dropping in power. Until at long last, Rayquaza finally gave up and stopped in midair as Aether Fury hit him from all directions, causing bloody gashes to appear in Rayquaza’s hide, until finally the last head ran straight through Rayquaza’s stomach, slicing the dragon in half.

Rayquaza roared to the heavens for the very last time, before the two halves of his body hit the ground, and Rayquaza’s eyes stared blankly into the sky, doomed to move no more.

Spyro, the last one standing, continued to flap his wings in the air, his eyes half closed and tired from the stress the battle had put on him. “Wow…that guy was real tough. I wonder if there are more like him. Cuz if there are…I think I wanna stay away from them.”

“Spyro!” Cynder and Sparx called, flying up next to the purple protector.

“Hey guys…look, let’s go home. I’m tired, and I need to rest.” Spyro informed. The other two nodded, and together the trio flew off for Avalar, their home, to recover.

Shadow: Wow…who woulda guessed Rayquaza was such a dick.

Bowser: Now hold on, he did protect the Hoenn region. That was nice of him.

Shadow: Yeah…maybe. Still don’t like him too much though.

JJ: Anyway…I suppose we might as well discuss why exactly Rayquaza…well…didn’t win.

Shadow: You wanna go first, or should I?

JJ: Nah, it’s cool. Anyway, this fight was certainly rather close. Both characters definitely were very powerful in many ways, but only one of them truly cut the mustard where it really mattered, so to speak.

Bowser: First of all, going over AP, both of them are roughly the same at their most powerful, with Spyro being able to put a planet back together that was falling apart, and Mega Rayquaza was able to obliterate Grand Meteor Delta and is roughly comparable to Mewtwo, who has Multi-Continent to Planet feats of his own. Although the planet stuff is a bit iffy and relies on telekinesis feats from Super Mystery Dungeon which may or may not be legit, but let’s just say they are.

Shadow: In terms of speed, in the main series the fastest Spyro has gone is Superhuman with MHS reactions via dodging lightning in the clouds in the final battle with Malefor, while Rayquaza should be Sub-Relativistic via being superior to Pikachu by a wide margin, and at the very least should be Mach 2000+. So it seems like Rayquaza takes this category…but he doesn’t for one reason: Skylanders. In Skylanders, Spyro is able to scale to certain characters that can go anywhere from MHS to Relativistic, putting Spyro’s top speed overall at a much higher level than Rayquaza can reach.

Bowser: Verstality was also another point in Spyro’s favor. Most of Rayquaza’s moves are either of the Flying, Dragon, or Normal element, with 1 Rock and 1 Dark move mixed in. Spyro, by contrast, is very accomplished at 4 elements(technically 5 including Aether), and has dabbled in 2, making his overall learnset more varied.

JJ: Spyro is also much more experienced, since even though Rayquaza has lived for far longer, most of the time he either patrols the ozone layer or is sleeping. Very little time of his has actually been spent fighting, whereas Spyro has been fighting in every appearance he’s in.

Shadow: Spyro also took intelligence, obviously. Rayquaza is far from an idiot, and Spyro is no genius, but he is at the very least book smart via being able to understand a character like Volteer’s fast and intelligent dialogue, and is actually capable of basic sentences. Rayquaza, by contrast, is very much a one track mind warrior.

Bowser: Another advantage in Spyro’s favor? One of Spyro’s main elements is Ice. You know. The thing that Rayquaza is super weak to? Yeah, that. And if that didn’t work, Spyro also has his Aether breath as a secondary option as a draconic element, which Rayquaza is also weak to. While Rayquaza has his own dragon moves to hit Spyro for big damage, that’s the only option Rayquaza has that has an advantage over Spyro. Two elemental advantages, one of them being twice as valuable, vs one is a very clear difference.

Shadow: Also, there’s the Shadowstone to potentially seal Rayquaza in the Shadow Realm, but it’s rather debatable if it would work on something with roughly the same power. Another piece of hax is Dark Spyro’s ability to turn enemies to stone, but again, it’s debatable as to whether it would work on Rayquaza. It worked on Gaul, but that was the only time it was used, and Gaul was quite frankly nowhere near as powerful as Rayquaza

JJ: In terms of durability, both are roughly equal, with Spyro being able to tank hits from Malefor(who as a purple dragon should be roughly comparable to Spyro in power), and Rayquaza tanking the collision with Meteor Delta. Both also have healing, but Rayquaza’s Rest forces Rayquaza to go to sleep for awhile, which can leave him open to major damage from Spyro’s attacks, while Spyro’s healing from his armor and the red gems he can collect is, while slower overall, a better option to allow Spyro to keep fighting while healing. And if push comes to shove, Spyro also has armor that can boost his defense, along with the wing shield that can no sell bomb explosions, so we’ll say Spyro gets this point. Spyro is also superior to base Rayquaza, so that’s another minor point, though it’s not by a huge margin

Shadow: Now of course, Rayquaza has his own advantages. He has Dragon Type moves to deal extra damage, and his personality is better suited for a fight. Rayquaza does not hesitate to kill his opponent if he needs to, as shown by how he “killed” Deoxys in cold blood at the beginning of M07. Spyro, by contrast, fights to win, but generally chooses not to try to kill, with the exception of his Dark Spyro form. Also, Spyro’s barrier, if Rayquaza had let Spyro stay in there, would have ironically caused Spyro to lose since he could never escape it. Unfortunately for Rayquaza, his lack of mind for strategy, coupled with his proud warrior mentality and moves that forced Rayquaza to continue attacking like Outrage, make it so Rayquaza would not leave Spyro alone in the barrier. Mega Rayquaza also helps Rayquaza mitigate some forms of harm thanks to Delta Stream in addition to boosting offense, while Dark Spyro really only serves to boost offense, so point for the green one.

JJ: And I know what some people might say. “What about the time when Rayquaza fought the Unsealed Creation Trio in Hoopa and the Clash of Ages?”

Shadow: While, yes, Rayquaza did fight the Creation Trio(Which are at least Universal and MFTL+, more than enough to obliterate Spyro), not only did Rayquaza have help, but he never exhibits this level of power anywhere else in the series, most likely making it an outlier.

Bowser: Plus, Dragon Time, while not especially useful due to its short time limit, is a nice bonus to help further the speed gap somewhat.

JJ: Overall, while both characters were roughly even in durability and AP, and Rayquaza overall was more willing to kill and had his own options to deal lots of damage to Spyro, it was Spyro’s greater speed, versatility, intelligence, experience, and the fact that he possessed more ways and more deadly ways to harm Rayquaza that ultimately decided the match.

Bowser: You gotta be Ray-Crazy to argue with this outcome! Or not, it was very close.

Shadow: Eh, I’m just glad it didn’t drag-on.

Bowser: Shadow…

Shadow: Don’t get used to it.

JJ: The winner is Spyro, the Purple Dragon.

Spyro (Winner):

+ Faster
+ More Versatile
+ More Intelligent
+ More Experience, both in and out of combat
+ Has More things that would be effective on Rayquaza than the other way around
+ Slightly haxier
-/+ Better Healing, but not instantaneous
+ Base Form is superior to Rayquaza’s Base Form
= Durability
= AP
= Both have finite number of attacks
+/- Spyro can regenerate his amount of attacks with green gems, but has less uses
– Less bloodlusted outside of Dark Spyro
– Dark Spyro is somewhat less useful than Mega Rayquaza due to not providing any extra protection

Rayquaza (Loser):

– Slower
– Less Versatile
– Less Intelligent
– Less Experienced
– Less Hax
– Less Supereffective moves on Spyro
+/- Healing, while more instantaneous, leaves Rayquaza wide open
– Base Form inferior to Spyro’s Base Form
= Durability
= AP
= Both have finite number of attacks
+/- Rayquaza has more uses of attacks, but cannot regenerate them like Spyro
+ More bloodlusted outside of Dark Spyro
+ Has maybe a slightly better transformation due to it offering protection

+Note: Rayquaza scales to Deoxys who scales to Mewtwo, who fought against Zygarde, who scales to Necrozma, who has a Solar System level feat. However, Mewtwo was stomped by Zygarde and dealt no damage to it on top of being one-shot, so scaling makes absolutely no sense, on top of it being an outlier for Mewtwo.

Epilogue:

Deep beneath the Earth, two titanic terrors stirred. After Archie and Maxie had bit the dust, the Legendary Pokemon sleeping within their balls were released and sent back underground to sleep once more. However, now that Rayquaza had passed on, his presence was no longer there to quell the rage and conflict between the two geo Pokemon. And now, Groudon(the continent ‘mon), and Kyogre(the ocean Pokemon), were stirring from their prison, their eyes alight with anger as they locked eyes, ready to begin their conflict once again. They grew in size and power steadily, until finally they were so big they broke a hole in the Seafloor Cavern, rising to the surface in order to fight. Their arrival brought the start of both monsoon-like rains and blistering droughts, causing all those who weren’t burned alive to be washed away by the rampant floods.

“Zinnia! Summon Rayquaza!” Wallace ordered.

“Uh…okay? But I don’t feel his energy. I think he’s…he’s…gone.” Zinnia said, eyes filled with tears.

“GONE!? Then how are we supposed to stop this?”

“I think I might have an idea.”

The two trainers turned around to see Spyro, Cynder and Sparx standing in front of them. “What are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough, you menace? Get the hell outta here!” Zinnia screeched.

“Look. I know you guys hate me for killing your god and all that. I never wanted it to go down that way, but it just happened. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But…let me try and stop that thing out there. I can do this, as long as my friends are with me.”

“Look, just give us a chance, okay? We’ll get it done.” Cynder proclaimed, with Sparx nodding his head in agreement.

Zinnia and Wallace exchanged a look before nodding. “I guess we don’t really have a choice, huh?”

With that, Spyro and co. flew out into Sootopolis City proper, where Kyogre and Groudon were about to square off.

Spyro spread his wings and gazed down at Groudon and Kyogre with a look of equal parts wisdom and disappointment. It seemed like Spyro was radiating power, channeling the spirit of Rayquaza himself in order to stop this conflict. When they saw the mighty dragon in the sky, Groudon and Kyogre immediately bowed in deference and retreated back underneath the waves. As they did, an astral image of Rayquaza appeared above Spyro’s head, almost as if the great dragon was passing the torch to this new guardian.

“Hey Wallace?” 

“Yeah?”

“I think we’re gonna be alright.”

Wallace nodded, before looking up at the sky and saying “Thank you…Spyro the Dragon.”

Wario vs Bass: Smackdown!

Bowser: Our thoughts on the winner are now decided.

Shadow: Hey, it’s Bass! I remember seeing this asshat before. I kicked his ro-butt real good.

Bass: Like hell you did!

Shadow: Hmm, that’s funny. Lemme get my Android and see who won those Shadow vs Bass fights awhile ago…

Bowser: Shadow, didn’t you lose to Wario once?

Shadow: …I have no further comments.

Wario: WAAAAAAAAARIO THE WIIIIINER!

Shadow: This shit’s gonna be a one time thing, right?

JJ: I actually kinda like it. Maybe we should do this again?

Bowser: I agree. Let’s bring that roasted porkchop Ganondorf in here so I can shove something right up his-

JJ: Uh, I’m JJ, your host.

Bowser: I’m Bowser, the King of Swing-I mean Awesome.

Shadow: And I’m Shadow, and I’m better than you.

JJ: And it’s time…for a SMAAAAAAACKDOOOOOWN!
—

It was a cold winter’s day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The snow was falling, glistening on the treetops like diamonds and forming large snowdrifts on the ground. On these drifts, the young Toad children of Toad Town were sledding, racing each other to get the fastest times in order to win the coveted hot cocoa prize given out by Princess Peach. Bowser’s Army, after the whole fiasco with King K. Rool and the teleportation device(see the crappy Bowser vs King K. Rool DBX), had decided to spend Christmas like normal, decorating Bowser’s Castle with colorful red and black lanterns lit by the Koopa King’s own flame. 12 calls to the Fire Department later, and they were finally done, along with setting up a Christmas tree that was…appropriated from a nearby forest.

Play Music

Peach, meanwhile, was with Toadsworth in the main hall, also decorating with help from Mario and Luigi. As the resident green and red, rosy cheeked heroes, they were perfect to send invitations for the upcoming Christmas Party held at the castle. The tree was put in place, decorated with mementos of all the past. There was artwork of the Bros. and Bowser trouncing the Beanish maniac Fawful, them defeating Shadow Mario on Isle Delfino, and even traveling to the mysterious Space Junk Galaxy. However, one thing not on the tree, or anywhere else in the castle, were the big boned rival of Mario and the pin thin counterpart to Luigi, Wario and Waluigi. In fact, Princess Peach had specifically requested the Bros. to not drop by Wario’s castle specifically because the greedy twosome were not welcome at the party.

So while all the Toads and Koopas and even Shy Guys were getting invites as a celebration of peace and goodwill, high up in the castle Wario, there was only silence. The giant, cast iron gates clanged with the whipping wind, as the dead leaves swirled in a tornado by the front steps. The castle, once alit with a golden sheen, was now covered in moss and decay, and was clearly in need of a good scrubbing. Within the castle, most of the sweeping, spacious hallways were completely deserted, and there was no noise to be heard.

All except for the great hall, where two men were pacing around. One of them, Wario, was rather short and stout, with yellow clothes and purple overalls, as well as an exaggerated pink nose and zigzag mustache. The other, Waluigi, had a similar’s stache, but wore purple clothes and blue overalls instead. They paced around, muttering to themselves in low voices.

“Can’a you believe this’a, man! I can’ta believe the Princess didn’t invite us to-a the Christmas-a Party!” Wario rambled.

“Waluigi Number ONE!” Waluigi responded.

“Well, OK, I understanda why she didn’t invite-a you, but-a me? I’ma the KING of Charisma! I mean, just-a look at this great-a smile!” Wario scoffed, showing his pearly whites for all to see. “Ah, but itsa too late now. The party-a’s probably gonna start-a soon. Might as well just go-a and make-a something to eat. Whattya want?”

“Ehhhh…pasta, bro?” Waluigi ventured.

“…Ya know I can’ta make pasta!”

“You’re-a rich, right!? Just-a buy some!” Waluigi mocked.

“Rrrgh, all the stores-a are closed cuz a this-a Christmas shit! No one’s gonna sell-a it to me! Forget it, let’sa just go talk-a to the princess, maybe she can-a help us!”

“Okay, bro.” Waluigi conceded, and with that the two put on their winter jackets purchased awhile ago and headed out the door towards the castle. On the way there, they passed through Toad Town, and whenever they passed by a Toad or a Toad family, they either ran away or chose to cover their children’s eyes to make sure they didn’t see the “disgusting trash” tarnishing their streets.

“Soon, bro, soon we-a will get this straightened-a out. But not now.” Wario whispered to Waluigi, who was clenching his fist in anger. Finally, the two made it to the front gates and rung the bell. A portion of the door swiveled around to reveal a TV Screen, with the Princess’s face dead center on it. “What are you two doing here? You weren’t exactly invited, you know!” Peach pointed out.

“We-a know, and we wanna know why! We’re-a model citizens of-a the Mushroom Kingdom, and we have-a our rights!” Wario yelled, attracting the attention of the other townsfolk. Waluigi slowly swiveled around to give an awkward wave before turning back to face the princess. “Yeah!”

“Well, quite frankly, you’re rude, mean, bossy, smelly, ugly, unhelpful blights on this kingdom. You haven’t done a single thing to help us rebuild after the whole wedding fiasco awhile back, and you aren’t even willing to do simple good deeds for people. And you expect to be invited to this party just like that?” Peach scorned.

“Look-a, princess, I know it looks-a bad, but-a just give us a chance. We can be-a helpful, just give us a task to do!” Waluigi begged.

“Yeah!” Wario followed.

Peach rubbed her temples quickly and closed her eyes for a few long moments. Then she opened them and said “Very well. I will give you once chance, one job. If you succeed, it will truly be a service to our kingdom, and I will allow you to attend the party.”

“ANYTHING!” the mustachioed marauders pleaded.

“Well…”

Meanwhile, in Dr. Wily’s Skull Castle…

“Blast it all! That stupid Hornet Man couldn’t do the job! I just knew it, why did I send him? Oh right, because of potatoes. Ah well, now what? Zero isn’t quite done yet…I suppose I could send Bass to do the job.” said Dr. Willy(uh, I mean Wily), the short, old scientist with a grey mustache and thinning grey hair, along with a lab coat. He pressed a button on his console and spoke into his microphone. “Bass, can you come in here, please?”

The doors opened, and in stepped a robot, one that was tall, coated in black with yellow highlights, and had a gun attached to his arm. At his side was a small purple dog which stood by its master menacingly. This was Bass, the robotic rival of the powerful Mega Man, along with his faithful hound Treble.

“You better have a good reason for calling me in here old man. I was doing some target practice with Napalm Man, and I know he’s just dying to get back to it…after he’s rebuilt.” Bass said, chuckling.

“Hmm…Bass, I have an assignment for you.” Wily began.

“Is it to finish off Mega Man? Because I’ve been training hard!” Bass noted excitedly.

“…Not exactly. Your job is something super…special…secret…”

With every word, Bass’s eyes grew wider and wider, and Treble began drooling oil on the ground.

“secret…ASSIGNMENT?” Wily finished.

“YES!” 

“I need you to watch over the safe with the evil energy in my basement.”

Bass’s jaw dropped and he scowled. “That’s it!? I’m a highly dangerous killing machine, and all you want me to do is act like some guardian lapdog for a few stupid jars of sealed evil in a can!? What do you take me for, old fool!?” Bass ranted, tilting his gun at Wily’s face.

“Now hold on Bass, I’m not done. If you do this task for me…I’ll give you a special upgrade that will let you beat Mega Man once and for all. Absolutely guaranteed to work. I promise!” Wily bargained.

“Hmm…are you positive?” Bass said, his eyes hungry for power.

“As serious as a Shark Man attack.”

“Very well. I will do this task, Doctor. But be warned. If you attempt to double cross me, I’ll make sure that Mega Man isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. Understood?” Bass threatened.

“Yes, yes, of course!” Wily agreed, before turning back to his console. Bass gave a curt bow before nudging Treble and walking towards the door, the loyal pup hot on his heels.

They walked down the long corridors together, twisting and turning over and over until they finally reached a set of double doors. Bass pressed his palm to the scanner, then his eye, and finally his buster, before giving the password (“Mega Dead Man”), causing the door to open. The two continued to walk until they reached the large safe with the Evil Energy, which had been used by Wily awhile ago to both empower Bass and his other robots with pure evil essence.

“Mmm…this brings back memories, eh Treble?” The robot dog barked in agreement, as they took positions on either side of the door, awaiting potential threats.

Meanwhile, outside Skull Castle…

“Ugh…this was a really long-a walk, eh bro?” Waluigi tiredly asked.

“Yeah…but it’ll…all be-a worth it. I think.” Wario replied, as they trudged up the hill. On their trek from Toad Town to where they were now, they had endured the blistering heat of the Gritzy Desert and Thwomp Volcano, swam through Blubble Lake, went through an underground mine belonging to Ground Man, and even up in the sky with Tengu Man. They almost gave up multiple times, but the thought of finally visiting the party as guests and not intruders pushed them onward in spite of that, until at last they had reached the top of the hill and were gazing at Skull Castle.

“Remind-a me what the plan was again, bro?”

“It’s simple. We-a go in, get-a that evil energy-a crap, and are rewarded-a with stuffing our faces with-a pasta!” Wario reminded Waluigi.

“Mmm…pasta.”

“Now, you-a wait here with-a the getaway-a car. We need to make a quick-a exit after we get-a the stuff.” Wario said.

Waluigi nodded, and Wario very stealthily(or at least as stealthily as he was able), began sneaking up to the castle, dodging between bushes and hiding behind trees like some sort of Solid Wario. He was almost at the ventilation shaft when he heard a voice saying “Identify yourself!”

Wario turned around and noticed two guards, a Mettaur and a Sniper Joe. So he did the only sensible thing he could and took their heads and bashed them together, turning the robot sentries into scrap metal. He then turned back to the vent and found he could just barely squeeze inside, but he was hurting from the cramped environment. “Hewth…maybe I shoulda spend my donero on a treadmill for-a ma castle.” Wario complained as he continued crawling through the vents.

He was lost inside the maze of tubes for what seemed like forever, and was just about to give up, when all of a sudden he heard voices coming from somewhere to his north. So he crawled forward until he saw a grate in the floor of the vents, allowing him to stick his ear up next to it and listen it. “Uurgh…this job is so boring, Treble. Why couldn’t he get someone like Spring Man to do this? What an idiot. You’d think that Wily’d make an inescapable room full of instant death spikes way before fucking Spring Man! Is he just running out of ideas for robots from his grab bag?” Bass monologued as Treble hung on to every word, nodding afterward.

“Ah well. If this’ll help me beat Mega Man, then it’s fine by me.” Bass acquiesced.

Wario slowly chuckled to himself as he prepared to drop down, surprise the foolish robot, and take the prize for himself. Unfortunately, his sounds of laughter didn’t go unnoticed by Bass, who tilted his gun at the ceiling and fired a dozen or so rapid fire blasts, hitting the grate and sending Wario tumbling down to the ground below.

“Uurgh…that-a hurt real bad!” Wario complained as he struggled to get to his feet. When he finally did, he turned around to find himself face to face with the Bass Buster cocked against his head. “Who are you? And what are you doing here, inferior worm?” Bass sneered. He looked Wario up and down with his optical sensors, trying to make out exactly what this stranger was and what he wanted at this place. Also, why was he so fat? “”This guy almost gives that foolish Dr. Light a run for his money…'”

“Uh…I’m…the Pizza Delivery-a guy!”

“Oh really? Where’s your pizza?”

“It…it uh…got-a incinerated?”

Bass was clearly unimpressed, as he reached down and grabbed Wario’s overalls and pulled him in close. “Listen, idiot. You made a big mistake coming here. No one crosses my master, and more importantly me, and leaves alive. Don’t you know who the goddamn hell I AM! I am BASS, the ultimate robot creation of Dr. Wily, the Omega of the Robot Masters, the ultimate machine in the universe! The only one worthy to stand in my way is Mega Man, and very soon he will no longer be a threat. Once I finish this assignment, Master Wily will upgrade me so I can finally destroy Mega Man and reign supreme. So…I want you to leave.”

“Yeah…well guess what? I’ma not afraid-a of you! I’m going to beat-a you, get-a inside that safe-a, and steal the evil energy-a! That way, Peach-a will allow me and my bro to go to-a the Christmas Party!” Wario proclaimed

“If you live long enough to do that, that is. And I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Bass promised.

“Bring it!” Wario roared.

“With pleasure!” Bass answered.

Outside, the storm clouds rolled in to give way to a stampede of rolling thunder. Waluigi, hiding in the bushes, looked up at the castle and clasped his hands together. “Bro, for your sake and mine…I hope you’ll get out of this one-a okay.”

Only one warrior was leaving the castle that day not in a body bag.

Wario began the fight by throwing one of his powerful, yet predictable haymakers. So predictable, in fact, that Bass was able to easily dodge the attack and grabbed Wario’s hand as it passed by, pulling the somewhat obese hunter in. “And this is why you don’t fuck with me, plumber.” Bass smack-talked.

“I’ma not a plumber, that’sa that stupido idiota Mario’s jo-WHOA!” 

For Bass began swinging Wario around by the arm, faster and faster and faster until Wario was nothing but a rapidly spinning blur, before finally tossing the yellow capped antihero into a nearby metal wall, leaving a massive dent in it. Wario struggled to get to his feet, rubbing his bruised head and cursing under his breath. “Mama mia, thata hurt.” Wario muttered as he turned to face Bass, who was rushing in for another attack. However, this time Wario was ready, as he rushed forward using his infamous Shoulder Charge and smacked Bass midair, sending the black bot careening into the opposite wall and smashing right through it.

Now it was Bass’s turn to struggle off the ground and face his opponent once more. “Hmm…this fool may be more powerful than I initially assumed. He may look fat and pathetic, but he hides a strength potentially greater than even Guts Man. I need to be more careful around him. Still, it’s nothing that I cannot deal with.”

There was still a large amount of smoke covering the hole Bass had created in the wall, preventing the android from seeing what was behind it. When the smoke finally cleared, Wario was there, but not as he once was. No, he had tapped into the power of his ancient and mystical Goodstyle wand, giving him the power of 8 different transformations.

But for right now, he just needed one. So during the confusion, he had switched costumes, donning an astronaut suit and receiving a laser pistol not unlike a certain high flying vulpine. This was Cosmic Wario, and he was ready to send Bass on an out of this world adventure into the pits of hell.

Wario shot a few rapid fire blasts at the stunned Bass, who cleared his mind and proceeded to dodge all of them, before firing his own form of offense right at Wario, that being the Bass Buster. Hundreds of little lemon pellets shot out of Bass’s arm cannon, matching the laser blasts from Wario’s pistol blow for blow…or so it seemed. Bit by bit, the sheer insanity of the fire rate of Bass’s buster slowly began to outmatch the shots from Wario’s pistol, until finally one shot broke through and hit Wario. It didn’t do too much damage, but it stunned Wario long enough for Bass to activate one of his upgrades, that being Stronger Buster. Then he fired at Wario non stop, with the upgrade negating the weakness of the Bass Buster’s shots not being very powerful.

When Bass was finished, Cosmic Wario’s astronaut suit was ripped and torn in several places, and the laser pistol was gone, most likely blown away by the assault from the Bass Buster. Bass walked slowly up to the beaten Wario and kneeled down, a malicious smirk on his metallic features. “Have you had enough yet, pitiful life for-“

Bass was so busy gloating over his victory, he failed to notice Wario subtly pulling out Goodstyle once again and giving it the tiniest of waves, activating the second disguise in its repertoire, that being Genius Wario. Wario was now clad in a standard lab coat akin to that of Bass’s master, along with a pair of googles, a doctor’s headpiece, and a mess of inventions, all designed to bring pain to the one who was so foolish as to get in the way.

Suddenly, Bass was sucker punched in the gut and sent flying away from Wario for miles until he finally touched down and smacked head first into a tree. Unbeknownst to Bass at the time, he had just been schooled by Wario’s Ultra Hand, a boxing glove attached to an extendable pincer to be used for, quote unquote, “smacking people upside the head.”

“Uuurgh…Sunstar above, how many tricks does this piece of shit have!?” Bass ranted.

“It’s quite simple, my arrogant friend.” 

Wario appeared from over the hill and faced Bass. “All I did was use my blunt instrument to deal a significant amount of damage to you as an external force hit you, the object at rest, directly, giving you a rather immense amount of Kinetic Energy that increased your velocity in both the horizontal and vertical directions to a ludicrously large amount, allowing you to fly a distance of exactly 15,840 feet before finally ending up at the base of this Quercus tree. Or, to put in terms a simpleton like you would understand…Big Fist cause you go fly and get boo-boo.” Wario stated matter-of-factly.

“What’s going on? A few minutes ago you were dumb as a brick, and now you’re giving me this nerd talk bullshit?” Bass questioned.

“That is the ability of my Goodstyle wand. With the flick of a wrist I have 8 different options to attack you with. Feel inferior yet?” Wario taunted.

Bass wasn’t going to take that lying down, so he got up and switched to one of his special weapons, that being the Lightning Bolt he had…appropriated…from Dynamo Man. “I may not be smart enough to understand all that you just said, but I do know my basic science. And it seems to me you’re wearing quite a large amount of metal. You know what conducts electricity real nice?”

Bass fired a series of Lightning Bolts that hit Wario dead on, as the metallic equipment he was wearing served to amplify the capabilities of the lightning bolts to beyond their normal power. When it was done, Genius Wario was steaming, smoke rising off of him like a pressure cooker, his clothes blackened with soot. The doofy look on Wario’s face lasted only a nanosecond, however, as he shook his head and stumbled forward.

“Impressive, my friend. Despite the diminutive nature of your central processing unit, you have a natural battle instinct that will serve you well. Shame I would have to kill such aspiring talent, but I must not disappoint my comrade in arms.” Wario spoke.

“Oh, you WILL!” Bass promised, firing another Lightning Bolt straight at Wario. This time however, Wario was prepared, as he took Goodstyle out once more and gave it a little flick, transforming into his third mode. This time, Wario wore what appeared to be a blue spandex costume, with a yellow W logo on the front to signify the champion chosen to wield the power. Wreathed in electricity, it was none other than Sparky Wario, master of lightning. As he so aptly demonstrated, reaching his arm into the sky and actually catching the Lightning Bolt in midair. Then, he turned it around so the energy was facing towards Bass, and released, causing the blast to be returned to sender

“Uh Oh.” Bass whimpered, for his weapon unfortunately didn’t give him the resistance to electricity that Sparky Wario did. The beam hit full on, zapping Bass all over due to his body being entirely metallic. However, Bass fought through the pain, for he had endured much worse over the years as he suffered defeat after defeat at the hands of the Blue Bomber. With a primal shout of “RAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!”, the lightning dissipated, and Bass was once again ready to fight, if a bit chipped and charred in places.

“‘Hmm…this’a guy’s pretty tough. Better’a turn on the big guns.'” Wario silently whispered to himself, as he began firing blast of electricity straight at his aggravated adversary. Bass, in turn, switched to another one of his favorite toys, that being the Ice Wall. “Hmph. Thank you, Cold Man. Even in death, you aid the master with all your might. Good job.” With that, Bass raised his arms, and a large wall of solid ice appeared before him, blocking all of Sparky Wario’s shots. With the wall close to breaking, Bass gave it a good, hard push, causing it to slide towards Wario and smack him in the face, sending Wario tumbling backwards into the dirt and staining his costume.

“H-Hey buddy! You-a know how long’a this costume-a took to make! Really long!” Wario complained.

“That’s all well and good. I’ll clean it and wear it like a cape once I kill you. Spoils of war should never go to waste, is that right?” Bass bantered, summoning another ice wall and sending it bowling towards Wario, who dodged out of the way just in time and began firing a midair shower of sparks, all aimed towards Bass. Bass looked deep inside himself and channeled inner reserves of strength he wasn’t aware of before now, charging up his Ice Wall and releasing it to make an impenetrable ice dome around himself that blocked all incoming spark shots. Once the assault had been concluded, Bass created numerous ice spikes from the wall that went out in every direction, hitting Sparky Wario in the shoulder and causing him to lose his concentration and fall to the ground below once again.

With the dome vanishing, Bass attempted to make another wall to hit Wario again, but found that his reserves of energy were depleted. “Heh, no matter. I have plenty of other tools to finish you off, Fatman. So, any last words?”

“DRAGON-A WAAAAA!”

“Well, normally people go with ‘please spare me’, but okay, if you-“

Bass didn’t get to finish, for Wario had activated one of Goodstyle’s most powerful forms, Dragon Wario, dressing Wario up like a dragon.

“Nice Halloween costume, Baby Dragon! What do you expect to accomplish with that!?”

“THIS!”

Before Bass could fire some snarky quip as to what he was referring to, Wario shot a blast of red-orange fire straight at Bass and hit him square in the chest, causing the robot to stagger backwards due to the intensity of the fire now enveloping his entire being. But Bass was too powerful to be defeated with an ordinary fire blast, and so he simply swept his arms around him in a theatrical gesture and made the flames dissipate. “Well, Wario, if this is honestly all you have to face me, you might as well just turn around and head back to your princess like the failure that you are. You will NEVER, EVER get the energy from my master!” Bass yelled.

“We’lla see about that-a, friend!” Wario retorted, blasting a triple shot of fireballs straight at Bass once again.

“Wow, you’re even dumber than you look, and that’s saying something! Did you actually expect me to get hit by the same attack twice without deploying a counter measure!? I activate my trap card: Wave Burner!”

“What car-”

“Don’t ruin the moment! Wave Burner allows me to gain a new flamethrower, which cancels out any fire you were gonna send my way. So eat this!” Bass roared, as he released a white hot jet of flame that moved up and down like…well, a wave. The flames were so potent, that as soon as Dragon Wario’s fire touched it, it was incinerated. “That’s not-a gonna stop me, Metal-a Menace! As that guy with-a the lightbulb said a bazillion years-a ago, If-a ya don’t succeed, try-a try-a again!” Wario said, attempting to dazzle with Bass with his use of allusions and yet failing to impress. He continued to shoot fireballs at Bass, who countered all of them with his Wave Burner. Fire fought with fire, and it seemed to be a stalemate. That is, until Wario turned up the heat, quite literally, and shot out blue fireballs at a rapid pace. Bass smirked, expecting the fireballs to meet the same fate, but instead they overpowered Bass’s Wave Burner and cut a path right through, smacking into Bass for some major damage and stunning him long enough for Wario to continue pelting Bass with fireballs.

When the dust settled, however, Bass was still there, looking no worse for wear. “But…uh, how? That-a shoulda destroyed ya!?” Wario said, confused as to why he wasn’t staring at a smoldering pile of robot parts.

“It’s quite simple. I used Super Armor and negated all your damage. Actually, that’s not true, it’s more reducing. But your attack was so pathetic that reducing it was basically the same as cancelling it out. Do you have any more tricks, or are you done?” Bass asked, seeming more bored than anything.

“Not even-a close, buddy!” Wario countered, shooting more blue fireballs at Bass, who didn’t even make an attempt to dodge them, and yet emerged unscathed due to his super armor. Then he just laughed and laughed at Wario and his pathetic fireballs, before inching ever closer.

“Hmm, I’ve’a still got a few tricks left!” Wario then pulled out Goodstyle once again and waved it around, changing costumes again.

“Ugh, another one!? How many of these damn powers do ya have, you stupid midget?” Bass said, getting the slightest bit ticked off as Wario changed again, this time donning a devil costume. This was Wicked Wario, a master of the skies. He spread his devil wings and took off into the air, hovering high above the battlefield.

“Ahahahaha! Ya can’ta get me up-a here, loser!” Wario taunted.

“There’s nothing I can’t do, you bloated buffoon!” Bass retorted, as he activated the jump jets in his feet, allowing him to double jump into the air and tag Wario, grabbing his foot and pulling him down to the ground before smashing him into the pavement, giving the greedy gastro-intestinal grouch a good old fashioned bloody nose and broken tooth combo.

Spitting out his teeth, Wario turned to face Bass. “Is’a that all ya got!? My Grandma Wa beats me up-a twice as hard!” Then he took off once again and began dive-bombing Bass at speeds the robot just couldn’t hope to keep up with. Every dive bomb was succeeded by another one, with Wario attacking Bass over and over again and not giving him any second to rest. Eventually, Bass got fed up. “ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW!” Bass bellowed, swapping to his next weapon, the Remote Mine. He raised his arm and fired off about 8 Remote Mines at once, and commanded them to attach to the dive-bombing devil man.

“Waa!?” Wario exclaimed, confused.

“You know how they put remote bombs on planes to make ’em crash? Imagine it on a slower, smaller, and gassier target!” Bass explained, as the bombs all self destructed at once and created an explosion large enough to eclipse the entire park they happened to be fighting in, and sent Wario falling back to the ground once again as his clothes burned up in a blazing maelstrom. When Wario got up, Bass was greeted by a scene I’d rather not show you.

“Aw…put some clothes on, you disgusting meatbag!” Bass complained, shielding his eyes so he didn’t have to stare at the horror that was Wario’s buck naked…regions.

“WAAAAAA!” Wario cried, as he took off his shoe and threw it at Bass, hitting him in the faceplate.

“Did…did you just throw a shoe at me? Who does that? And why does it reek so much?! Ever head of a shower, fatso?” Bass mockingly said to no one, as Wario had already retreated into the nearby ocean.

“Hey, get back here! THIS ISN’T OVER UNTIL I SAY SO!” Bass screamed, dashing as fast as he could and double jumping into the water, where he touched down on the ocean floor.

“Now…glub glub, where is glub, that worthless human, glub?” Bass wondered, forced to take breaths in order to remain underwater.

Suddenly, Bass was hit in the back by an explosive torpedo, creating an underwater explosion that sent all the nearby sea creatures scuttling for their burrows. “What the…?” Bass questioned in confusion as he turned around, only to be face to face with another torpedo that hit him right in the kisser and exploded again. The coral parted to reveal a new Wario form, that being Captain Wario, a master of the underwater fighting arts. Equipped with a submarine and pirate gear, he gracefully glided through the water, while Bass was forced to jump incredibly slowly due to the water hindering his movement. Every time he jumped, he was bombarded by torpedoes and rammed into by the submarine, causing Wily’s creation to take enormous amounts of damage. Sparks began to appear from cuts in a dozen different places, and Bass could feel his supply of Bassnium, previously thought limitless, was starting to drain.

As Wario was closing in for another attack, Bass turned around and aimed his gun at Wario. Activating the Energy Saver device to lessen the cost of using his powers, he switched to the Lightning Bolt one more time, and jumped as high as he could to breach the surface of the water. Once he was 10 feet above the surface, he yelled “RAIGEKI!”, unleashing a storm of bolts that electrified the water and everything in it, including Wario himself, who began jerking and contorting as his skeleton was revealed within like an X-Ray machine, until he finally blasted out of the water and back on to the beach, charred and blackened from the horrendous beating he had received.

Bass, meanwhile, switched to his next weapon, the Spread Drill, and cocked it at the unconscious Wario. After his last experience, he wasn’t going to let his guard down any time soon. “Say good night, human.” Bass was ready to fire, when all of a sudden Wario disappeared.

“B-But that’s impossible, he was right here! Where did he go?” Bass asked to the universe. Unfortunately, he got his answer, as Wario blitzed him with a punch faster than Bass could track. Bass aimed his spread drill where he had gotten hit and fired, but he ended up just hitting air. Wario punched him again and then disappeared, repeating the process over and over again, while Bass couldn’t even land one shot on Wario due to the latter’s immense speed gain.

Bass realized the attacks weren’t doing too much damage to him, so he switched to his Damage Absorber and dropped to his knees to meditate, letting Wario hit him in order to recover energy for his Spread Drill, Lightning Bolt, Wave Burner, Remote Mine and Ice Wall. All the damage began to slowly take its toll on Bass, however, as his body became more cracked and chipped, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath.

But this was all part of Bass’s plan, for he now activated his Counter Attack skill, increasing his power immensely since he was on the brink of destruction.

“Bad news for you, Wario! I’ve figured out a way to hit you even with your speed!” Bass taunted.

“Impossible! No one can catch…the PURPLE WIND!” Wario chanted.

“Who said anything about catching you? No, I’m gonna double the trouble, quite literally, in order to shoot you dead!” As he said these words, Bass switched to another weapon, the Copy Vision taken from the corpse of Astro Man, and used the power of the Shadow Clone to create a hologram of himself that stood back to back with the original. They nodded to each other, and then yelled “TAKE THIS!” simultaneously, shooting outward while spinning in a circle in order to create a laser barrier vortex. No matter how fast Wario ran, he couldn’t evade all these shots at once, and inevitably he was hit by one of the Copy Bass’s shots, causing him to stagger and fall, leaving him easy prey for even more shots to pepper Wario’s skin and give him burns all over. Unfortunately for Bass, it was at this time that his Copy Vision timer ran out, and the copy disappeared. Wario took advantage of this and turned into his last form with Goodstyle, that being Arty Wario. Dressed in a painter’s beret and smock, he stood at his easel, ready to draw.

“So, you gonna paint your death scene or something? How cute.” Bass mocked, dashing in for the final assault, but Wario wasn’t finished. He painted a series of blocks that formed a wall stretching miles in every direction, up, down and both sides.

“So what, you think making a wall will stop me? Think again!” Bass roared, equipping his Magic Card and firing. The power of the card allowed it to fly straight through Arty Wario’s homemade wall and snag Goodstyle from Wario’s person, bringing it straight to Bass’s hand. And with that, he destroyed it once and for all, leaving the broken pieces on the ground. Without Goodstyle, Arty Wario returned back to normal, and the wall disappeared.

“Well, you farting fool, looks like you’re out of tricks. NOW DIE!” Bass yelled maniacally, with a look in his eye that was beyond all reason.

“Speaking of-a farting, that’s-a one of ma tricks!” Wario smirked, pulling his finger and releasing a cloud of toxic gas in the form of a mushroom cloud that even Dr. Wily could see from his window.

“Oh, fuck, that’s nasty!” Bass exclaimed, waving his hand in front of his olfactory receptors in order to relieve them of the awful smell, but while he was distracted, he was left vulnerable to one of Wario’s Shoulder Bashes, sending him flying into a nearby dead tree.

“You may-a think I’ma outta tricks…but you’d-a be DEAD WRONG!” Wario exclaimed, laughing maniacally and pulling out his next trick, that being a little pot. When he put it on his head, it transformed into a jet engine, turning Wario into Jet Wario. He rose into the air and began dive bombing Bass yet again, much like he had done with the Wicked Wario costume. However, this time Bass was prepared for it, and fired an Air Shooter, creating a Tornado that slowly traveled upward. While it was rising, Bass hopped in, riding the wind current up into the sky until he was level with Jet Wario. At that point, he switched to another weapon, the Tengu Blade he’d gotten for beating the avian master Tengu Man. With the blade, he clashed against Jet Wario over and over, twisting in the tornado to get a better view of Jet Wario after every clash. This went for a good while until Bass finally got in a good shot and sliced off the engines on Jet Wario’s head, sending the fumbling fatman down to the ground, but not before he grabbed Bass’s ankle and dragged him down as well, sending them both crashing into the dirt.

Bass couldn’t even rise to his feet before he was already assailed by the power of Bull Wario, charging straight into Bass and goring him in the side. Raising Bass above his head with his horns, he flailed the helpless robot around in the air before flinging him skyward, then jumping high up above Bass and axe kicking him back down into the ground. Stunned, Bass could do nothing except watch as Wario ground pounded down on the metallic marauder with all his might, dealing so much damage that Bass’s chest plate began to fall apart, exposing the fragile core within. Then Wario jumped back into the air, ready to slam back down and end Bass.

However, Bass cocked his gun once again and equipped the power of the Thunder Beam, launching an arcing bolt of electricity straight at Wario as he was falling and intercepting the treasure hunter mid pound, redirecting his course so he flew backwards and landed on the dirt, his bull horns singed.

Bass slowly rose to his feet and remembered the time Shadow had told him about his experience in Honnouji, and how he had used time stopping powers in order to beat his opponent. “Hmph. So, you black bitch-ass rodent, you think you can one-up ME! BASS! THE MOST POWERFUL ROBOT IN THE WORLD!? THINK AGAIN!” Bass yelled into the sky, equipping his Time Bomb and activating it.

“Kono kōka wa tankikan dake jizoku suru kamo shiremasenga, sore wa anata o shiageru tame ni hitsuyōna subetedesu. Ima, watashi wa kurasshubonbā o sōbi shite imasu. Watashi wa anata o owara seru tame ni sore o shiyō shimasu!”

Wario couldn’t process what was going on, but Bass had just stopped time, and was now firing off all 7 of his Crash Bomber shots straight at Wario, who could do nothing but helplessly observe as they ticked down to the greedy gremlin’s ultimate destruction.

Play Music

“U ̄ n… Sayōnara, meiwaku.”

All the Crash Bombs exploded at once, sending Wario flying miles into the air, where he stayed for a good long while before finally tumbling back down to the ground…right into Bass’s set Napalm Bombs, which exploded and sent Wario flying up into the sky again like a bouncing ball.

And Bass still wasn’t done, as he activated yet another Time Bomb and stopped time again, this time busting out his Freeze Cracker.

The sound made as Bass fired all 28 of them straight into Wario’s fat gut was something akin to:

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

BANG

B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BAAAAAAANG!

At this point Wario was nothing more than a falling ice sculpture, which Bass almost let reach the ground, but just before Wario touched down, Bass activated the Time Bomb yet again, this time switching to his Ice Wall in order to then switch to his Noise Crush. He fired Noise Crush at the wall, rebounding it back into Bass, which he then fired at Wario, giving him momentum in the sideways direction. He repeated this tactic again and again, firing Noise Crush into the Ice Wall, and then firing it at Wario, making sure to replace the Ice Wall with a new one. Every Noise Crush shot gave a sound akin to

SCREEEEEEE!

 

As if the soul of its dead owner, Shade Man, was still lingering within the attack itself. Finally, when Bass was all out of Noise Crush ammo, he sent the Ice Wall he had left flying into Wario’s body and it broke, dealing even more damage. When the Time Stop ended, Wario was bombarded by all the damage from all the Noise Crushes he had taken it, leaving a thousand scratches that all had blood gushing out in a ceaseless tide, before the momentum finally sent him flying miles away into the nearby desert, as Bass used his High Speed Dash ability to follow him as quick as lightning.

He reached the place where he knew Wario would land, and gazed in the sky to the west, where the sky glowed blood red as the sun set. But there, as a little speck of black on the horizon, was none other than Wario, the Purple Wind, falling down towards Bass. When he was about 50 feet off the ground, Bass trained his gun on Wario and fired his last Time Bomb, freezing the world once again. Then, he switched to his next armament, that being the powerful Triple Blade.

He fired the Triple Blade over and over at the falling Wario, slashing into his clothes and drawing even more blood than was already there, until Wario was nothing more than a sac covered in blood, and Bass was out of Triple Blades. Then he switched to yet another weapon, that being the ultimate Super Arm. He used it to pick up a large section of the ground and held it above his head. Then he switched to the Atomic Fire, and using only one hand, coated the rock in flames. Finally, he switched to the Junk Shield and commanded it to surround the rock. At this point, he threw his titanic amalgamation of weaponry at the falling mass that used to be Wario, and when the two collided, the rock exploded, hitting Wario with a mixture of flaming shrapnel and burning junk that torched his skin.

Wario landed face first on the ground, seemingly dead. Bass walked up to him and poked his gun at Wario’s behind. Not even a twitch. Satisfied at his handiwork, Bass turned around to head back to the lab, only to be sucker punched from behind and sent sprawling on to the ground.

“But…but that’s fucking impossible! HE’S DEAD!” Bass said, shocked.

“If only it’a were that simple-a, bitch!” Wario trash talked, chuckling all the way.

“How did you survive that?” Bass demanded.

“I didn’t-a take any damage. Before your first-a time bullshit went-a off, I-a activated my Balloon Suit. Normally it’s-a used to boost my power output to finish-a baddies like-a you off, but it also made-a for a pretty decent shield from all your-a attacks. The only-a downside is-a I don’t have it-a anymore.”

“Well good! Now I can finish you off that much easier.”

“I’ma not so sure about-a that!” Wario replied.

“Alright, I’ll bite. Why not?”

“Just look. You-a used up so-a many of your-a weapons, you a don’t have the capability to-a beat me. Especially when you see how many-a tricks I still got.”

“BRING EM’ ON, ASSHOLE!” 

“CONSIDER THEM BROUGHT-A, BITCH!” 

Wario’s body slowly began enveloping itself in fire, until he was a giant fireball.

“What’s…happening?!” Bass demanded.

“When-a you hit me with all those attacks…I absorbed-a them. Now I have new powers…powers I will use to defeat you!”

With that, Flaming Wario rushed towards Bass, dodging all of the Bass Buster shots that were aimed towards him, and touched Bass, causing Bass, too, to be set on fire. “Owwww…shit!” Bass cursed, as he began running around in a circle like an idiot along with Wario, until they finally sat on the ground and rubbed their flaming behinds on the dirt in order to put it out.

“So maybe that was a little too hot…so let’s cool it down, shall we?” Wario proposed, engulfing his own body in a giant snowball to become Snowman Wario, who began chasing after Bass. Wisely learning his lesson, Bass chose to run away as fast as he could from the rapidly approaching Wario, until Bass began running down a hill.

BIG MISTAKE.

Wario went with the flow, rolling down the hill. As he rolled, he picked up more and more dirt and dust and grass, increasing the size of his snowball until he was essentially a 30 foot wide dirty ball rolling towards the robot. Bass tried to turn around and aim a weapon at the ball to stop it, but he was too late and was crushed by the ball, becoming part of it.

Within the snowball, both Bass and Wario began to tussle with each other, punching and kicking and scratching and even biting in Wario’s case, until they finally stopped rolling when they crashed into a nearby cactus, sending both sprawling onto the ground, rubbing their bodies to relieve themselves of the pain of the spikes now attached to them.

“Enough games! Take THIS!” Bass yelled, frustrated, as he jumped into the air and aimed downward, equipping his Magnet Missile and firing a triad of magnet shaped projectiles down onto Wario’s head. The immense pressure exerted onto Wario by the magnetic field of the magnets as well as their weight caused Wario to be flattened into the dirt, making a Wario pancake.

But this wouldn’t deter Wario for long, for as Bass was falling down to plan his next move, Wario sprang up in his Spring Wario(not Mario) form, hitting Bass with a powerful uppercut that sent the bot flying high into the sky once more. Wario kept on bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, going a little higher each time as he waited for Bass to come back down.

When he did he gave Bass yet another haymaker that sent him flying to the east. Wario felt his transformation beginning to end, and so he channeled all of his remaining energy into one final bounce that allowed Wario to meet Bass all the way, as he spun around in midair to use his Corkscrew maneuver to slam into Bass head on and make him recoil, then grabbed his feet and began spinning Bass around at inhuman speeds using the Wild Swing-Ding technique, spinning Bass a total of 23 times causing Bass to upchuck oil from the strain, before finally tossing the poor robot into the ground. Bass happened to bounce back up however, and Wario took advantage of this by grabbing Bass again and spinning him around in midair as they fell towards the ground, and finished by slamming Bass’s head into the dirt using his Pile-Driver skill.

Bass struggled to get up, only to be face to butt with Wario’s deadliest weapon.

“Oh, no, not aga-“

Another fart with the power of a nuclear bomb was set off right in Bass’s face, with Wario rocketing away using the momentum in order to escape a possible counterattack. Bass, meanwhile, struggled to get up, and found himself dizzy and disoriented, his movement being inverted due to his brain still being under the effects of the toxic fumes. However, somehow Bass managed to orient himself enough to call out “SCORCH WHEEL!“

However, when he fired, the only thing that came out was a slow moving bubble that travelled along the ground, which Wario easily jumped over.

“Bubble Lead, of course.” Bass said, not at all surprised. It was at this point that Bass’s head was finally relieved of the noxious gas, and this time he actually switched to the Scorch Wheel and surrounded himself with fire, which was convenient as Wario was rushing in for another attack and happened to get burned by the wheel, which Bass then sent after Wario when the brutish brawler turned his back, burning Wario’s behind even more and causing Wario to have to stop, drop and roll to relieve the pain.

“Ah, what the hell. Bubble Lead, you get a second chance.” Bass said, shooting Wario with the Bubble Lead and encasing him in a bubble, turning Wario into Bubble Wario, causing him to float upward before Base calmly shot him out of the sky with the Thunder Wool, zapping Wario in the process and causing him to fall several meters before he collapsed face first in the dirt.

When he woke up, Wario began stumbling around, confused, due to the sulfuric nature of the Bubble Lead. Wario was now Crazy Wario, master of the Drunken Fist. Bass attempted to shoot Wario with the Thunder Wool again, but Wario dodged to the side just in time. So Bass switched to the Chill Spike and threw it behind Wario, then used the Power Stone to send a stone hand shooting across the ground until it was just a few inches away from Mario, before raising two of its fingers into an o shape and flicking Wario on the chest, causing him to fall presumably into the spikes behind him. Yet somehow due to Wario’s luck, he was able to use his hands to form an arch, his back just barely missing the spikes below as he formed a bridge over it, before flipping over and landing on his stomach right next to the Chill Spike.

Bass was about to use the Power Stone again to entomb Wario under the earth, but Wario sat up and breathed a noxious cloud of gas right at Bass’s face, disorienting the murderous machine and causing him to fire his Power Stone into the air directly above him. Unfortunately, he was too dazed to avoid the Power Stone falling back down onto his head, and so he was crushed under its immense weight.

It was at this moment that Wario finally managed to clear his head and gazed over at where Bass was lying on the ground. “Aw, yeah-a baby! WAAAARIO’S GONNNA WIIIIIIIN!” 

Wario reached into his pocket and pulled out some candy, which he began gorging himself on by the handful. Tons and tons of sweets, chocolates and confectionaries entered Wario’s gullet, and they began to take effect. Somehow, Wario grew even more fat, his clothes threatening to burst at the seams due to their size no longer being able to accompany the new fatsona inhabiting them. When it was done, Wario had turned into Fat Wario! Fat Wario jumped into the air, and even though he didn’t go very high, that was not his end goal. Wario’s fall shook the ground so hard that Bass shot up into the air, allowing Wario to run underneath him as fast as his little legs could carry him, and once he was in position, he aimed his mouth towards the sky and unleashed his Hyper Chomp.

Bass slowly found himself being sucked into Wario’s chompers, but he could do absolutely nothing but observe as he entered head first. Wario began biting down forcefully on Bass’s chassis, not letting up in the slightest, each bite damaging Bass’s deteriorating frame more and more and more, until he finally released the refuse and sat back to admire his efforts. Bite marks could be seen all over Bass’s body, and oil was flowing on to the ground, staining it as black as the night sky.

“Wahahaha, you suck!” Wario mocked, laughing so hard he fell on the ground and his sides hurt. Bass, however, was not amused. “Oh, you like to laugh, huh? Well, let’s see you LAUGH AT THIS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GROUND SCARAVICH SHIT!”

Panting heavily, Bass swapped to yet another of the weapons in his toolset, that being the mighty Wheel Cutter. He chucked one at the still chuckling Wario, and it created a rather large gash on his shirtfront, releasing large amounts of his own blood.

“Owowowo! That-a HURT!” Wario whimpered.

“It’s only gonna get worse for you, crap sack.”

Bass chucked more and more Wheel Cutters at Wario, all 28 of them, in a straight line of serrated, sharpened sawblades all snaking their way up Wario’s back and sides. Even his crotch wasn’t safe, and this time Wario had no balloon suit to protect him. When it was done, Wario was bleeding just as badly as Bass, if not more so, and red and black conjoined on the ground in a deadly union.

“Please-a tell me you’re-a done, friend!?” Wario pleaded.

“…Yes and No. It’s true I’m out of Wheel Cutter Ammo, but I’ve got plenty of other weapons for you, so stand back and behold the power of my Rebound Striker!” 

Bass fired a small baseball shaped projectile straight at Wario. “Hehehehehe…is this-a all you-a got!? Buddy, I’ma pro at Sports. Mario Strikers Charged sold more copies than your-a stupid Power Fighters games, and there’s-a reason for-a that! Now-a watch!” At that point Wario jumped into the air and began glowing with a yellow aura, and his hands were coated in electricity.

“What the fuck is-ah never mind, I’m used to it.” Bass said, resigned to his fate of having to deal with this weird human specimen for a while longer.

Once Wario had electrified his hands, he coated the ball with electricity, and then used his massive stomach to belly gong the ball and mark it return to sender. Bass, however, simply hit the ball with his hands and sent it right back. And so a deadly game of energy ball tennis began, with both rebounding the ball back with their belly and hands as it gradually grew faster and faster each time, until Wario had finally had enough.

“It’s-a time for my finishing-a move, so watch-a out! MEGA STRIKE: SWELLED UP WARIO TIME!” 

“‘Swelled up what?'” Bass wondered to himself.

He didn’t have to wait long to find an answer, for what he saw was honestly something he wished he hadn’t. Wario began swelling his body up like a balloon, his lungs working over time to puff his body with air until Wario was about the size of a small hot air balloon. At that point, he cupped his mouth and with the force of a hurricane, blew on the ball. The air pressure was so great the Rebound Striker split into six pieces of shrapnel, all flying at inhuman speeds.

Bass couldn’t dodge it, so he was forced to take the brunt of his own attack, as he was bombarded with energy  and striker bits. “You-a had enough, roboto, or-a do you want-a more?” Wario questioned, sitting in a meditative pose.

“LIKE HELL I’M DONE!” Bass uttered in a primal shout, as he switched to yet another weapon.

“Whuh? You-a got ANOTHER one!? C’mon, I’ma gonna be a Grandpa Wario by-a the time you’re a done!”

“I’ll stay here until the end of time if it means stomping the bloody mess that used to be your head into the ground!” Bass roared gutturally, getting the tiniest bit desperate as he fired his devastating Rolling Cutter, attempting to cut Wario once again. As soon as the first Rolling Cutter hit Wario, however, it stung him, causing the fat fighter to transform into a new form, that being Puffy Wario, his face swelling to the size of a Goodyear blimp. Because of this new power, Wario floated up high into the air, to distances unreachable by Bass’ Rolling Cutter.

“ASSHOLE! Get down here so we can finish this!” Bass shouted at the sky, only to be surprised when Wario did indeed come down…right on his face. Wario bounced off the startled sentry’s faceplate and soared into the sky once again before making a U-turn and plopping back down into his Bass-crushing position. This continued for awhile, with Wario bouncing on Bass’s face and Bass never getting the clear shot he needed in order to stop the bouncing buffoon.

“Well…I guess there’s always this…?” Bass thought, switching to yet another tool of destruction, that being the Leaf Shield. At that moment, a set of four green, metallic leaves began rotating around Bass, acting as a layer of protection from Wario’s ferocious assault.

Unfortunately for Wario, he was just making his roundtrip when Bass activated the shield. “NONONONONONONONONO!” Wario protested, attempting to stop and reverse directions, but he was already carrying too much momentum to stop himself from touching the leaves face-first, popping just like a balloon. And yet the leaves somehow had a different effect than Bass expected. Normally they were supposed to heavily damage the opponent, but something was happening to Wario. His skin was slowly turning the color of bark, his hair erupted into clusters of green leaves, and his legs and torso slowly began to morph together, as Wario underwent some type of metamorphosis.

And whatever it was, Bass didn’t like it one bit.

“GREEN THUMB!” Wario bellowed, as his transformation was complete. Now, standing before Bass was…a tree. But a tree with the most grotesque face you would ever see in your life. This was Tree Wario, ready to deliver an natural knockout to anyone who disturbed his forest…

Tree Wario now stood facing Bass, a sneer plastered onto his bark as he belted out a hearty laugh of “WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WAAHRIO NUMBAH ONE!”All the while, Bass just stood there, mouth agape as he witnessed the absolutely mad events that had unfolded. “A…A tree? You’re fighting one of the most advanced and superior robots you’ll ever see, and you choose to fight me with…a tree.”

Wario chose not to respond and instead began shedding his “fruit”, which was actually whole cloves of smelly garlic. With a mighty “WAAAAAH!” he began pelting Bass with the garlic, forcing Dr. Wily’s magnum opus to recoil, his eyes watering from the awful smell.

“Sweet Asimov above! I got two words for you: breath mint. Oh…oh my god it’s so bad.” Bass whined, before he shook his head and cleared his thoughts. Turning to face Wario, he gave a smirk.

“So you’ve turned into a tree, big whoop. Haven’t you realized the tools to destroy nature have already been given to robotkind? As soon as I reduce your roots to rubble, you will be finished. Then my task for the doctor will be complete!”

“Then-a why don’t-a you give it a try-a, ravioli-a brains!?” Wario taunted, before blowing Bass a dirt-encrusted raspberry with his tongue.

Absolutely livid, Bass switched to his Tengu Blade and began slicing away at Tree Wario. But no matter how hard he swung or how many projectiles he created, Bass couldn’t penetrate Wario’s branch defenses to get at the trunk. With every branch he destroyed, another one took its place to scratch away at Bass’s paintjob, revealing his shiny metallic exoskeleton beneath.

“WAAAHAHAHA! That’s-a what happens when-a you don’t celebrate-a Arbor Day, chump!” Wario taunted as Bass’s Tengu Blades dissipated in the air.

“Alright, that’s it! The first few times that was funny, but now it’s just goddamn annoying! And you know what I do to annoyances!? BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!!” Bass screamed as he switched to his Atomic Fire, charged it up, and then blasted a heat shot as hot as the sun right at Wario’s ugly mug. The tree raised its leaves to protect itself, but not even Wario’s nigh-impenetable bark could fully protect him from the intensity of Bass’s flames, and when the attack was done Wario was left wide open, his branches having burned to dust.

“Let’s end this.” Bass grumbled, as he prepared another shot of Atomic Fire. Unfortunately, using a full charged shot had wasted all of its ammo, forcing Bass to cycle through his arsenal while he cursed Wily under his breath.

While Bass was distracted, Wario very quietly switched out of his tree form and dug underground, closing the hole he made behind him and covering his tracks.

At last, Bass switched to his Napalm Bomb and took aim at where he last saw Tree Wario, only to find nothing but the vast desert expanse staring him right in the face. A look of anger etched itself onto Bass’s features as he pounded the ground in frustration, before glancing around to try and find where his unseen foe was seeking refuge.

Unbeknownst to the robot, Wario was busy digging through the desert sand, trying to get to where he knew would be his salvation and best chance of finishing Bass off. All of a sudden, however, he heard rapid footfalls going THUMP THUMP THUMP right above his head, causing dirt to rain down in small chunks as Bass had finally tracked down Wario’s location using the Noise Crush as echolocation.

Taking aim at the ground, Bass fired multiple rounds of his Commando Bomb, which exploded and released shockwaves underground that steadily collapsed the tunnel on top of Wario, forcing him to maneuver carefully around the dead-ends. Inadvertently, though, Bass was weakening the stability of the ground beneath him. And though Wario wasn’t a genius, even he could understand and formulate a plan.

With newfound vigor, Wario stopped digging forward and instead began digging in a wide circle. Bass, not missing a beat, continued to shoot Commando Bombs in a circle around himself, too focused on killing Wario to recognize the real threat. It was only when Wario was 3/4 of the way done with his circle that Bass finally took notice of the fact that he was digging his own grave.

“Ah, shi-“

Before he could finish, the ground around the robot warrior collapsed, as Wario resurfaced and admired his handiwork.

“WAHA! So long-a, Bass!” Wario chuckled as he turned and raced on his stubby legs towards the nearby airstrip, Bass still struggling to escape the mound of dirt as he yelled curses at Wario’s behind.

Upon at last reaching the airfield, Wario saw his beloved Bull Dog airplane resting inside, but the door had been locked by something. Undeterred, Wario blasted a spray of acidic boogers out of his nose and melted the lock off, before simply punching down the door with enough force to shake the warehouse itself.

“WAHAAAAA!” Wario cheered, rubbing his hands together evilly as he put on his faithful pilot’s goggles and strapped into the cockpit, starting his plane and accidentally blasting through the roof in the process.

“Oh, uh…sorrry!” Wario yelled back, albeit rather halfheartedly, as he flew back to where he remembered Bass was stuck.

However, Bass had finally figured out a solution to his conundrum. Using his powerful Air Shooter, Bass fired multiple miniature tornadoes that not only sucked up all the dirt to allow Bass to escape, but also created a series of very destructive danmaku tornadoes, which hovered by the robot’s side and prepared to fire.

Over the horizon, Bass spotted Wario’s Bull Dog. “I’ve got you, slippery bastard!” Bass roared, as he shot an earthen tornado at Wario’s face.

“Wuh Oh.” Wario responded, as he very carefully aileron rolled to the side in order to avoid the projectile, before firing his machine gun. Except the bullets were actually large metal buckets, which slammed into Bass’s side with a loud, metallic CLANG.

“Buckets? Eh, why question it at this point.” Bass muttered, resigned to his fate of dealing with Wario’s antics as he continued to fire Air Shooter at Wario, who continued to dodge all of Bass’s shots while firing more buckets, which Bass was also able to deflect by using his Power Stone as a shield.

Finally, however, Bass broke the stalemate when one of his Power Stone shot refuse actually hit Wario’s Bull Dog head-on, sending the plane careening onto its side as Wario struggled to right himself in time. “Oh NOOOOO!!” Wario shouted as his plane was heading towards a nearby mountain, Bass yelling “Bon Voyage!”

“EY! That’s-a my line-a, punk!” Wario countered, as he reached his arms out and grabbed the sides of his beloved plane. A tear shedding from his eye, he jumped out, turned towards Bass, and swung the plane around faster and faster, until it was no more than blur, before throwing it hammer-style at Bass.

Despite the robot’s reflexes being beyond lightspeed, even he couldn’t dodge an attack of this magnitude, and was thus engulfed in a massive explosion that generated a mushroom cloud bigger than even Wily’s Skull Castle.

However, Wario was still falling to his doom. Luckily, the portly plumber-to-be had thought ahead, and brought out his Mega Mushroom. Upon swallowing it, Wario suddenly gained massive size, becoming so tall that he dwarfed the mountain he was about to crash into. But Wario wasn’t done, for he also took out a tiny red-petaled flower and chomped down hard. At once, his body took on a chrome sheen and he fell toward the ground at an incredible rate, smashing into the dust and leaving an enormous crater behind.

Wario had now become Mega Metal Wario!

“That’s-a right! I’m-a bad!” Wario grandstanded, with even his voice taking on a metallic filter as a result of his transformation. “No one can-a beat me-a now! Not even you, robot-a!” 

At least, that’s what Bass thought Wario said. It was hard to hear, buried under two tons of flaming rubble, having your head basically destroyed. He couldn’t move, but he could whistle. A low, soft whistle that echoed across the wastes, somehow all the way back to Skull Castle thanks to the augmentation of the Noise Crush. Upon hearing the whistle, Treble stood up and barked loudly, before racing out the door and across the desert at lightning speeds, reaching Bass’s destroyed body in a matter of seconds.

Crawling into the pit, Treble took a few moments to lick at Bass’s face, making the normally arrogant and battle-hardened war machine smile.

“Treble…” Bass said weakly, “It’s time.”

The dog nodded, and began to glow. With a purple flash, the robotic canine merged together with Bass, unlocking a great new power…

Suddenly, the rubble of the Bull Dog erupted and scattered across the wastes. And where they once stood was Bass, but changed. He had traded his orange stripes for a dark purple, and had sprouted matching wings, which he used to hover over the desert. He glowed with a new power, one Wario was unsure he could take on.

Super Bass had come to enact his revenge.

“WARIO! Your games…end here!”

“WAHAHAHAHA! No-a way, I’m-a gonna win! So get-a ready, cuz here comes-a WAAAAAALOGY for-a your funeral! Roses are-a red, garlic is-a white, you’ll-a be dead, and then I go take a bite!”

“We’ll see…”

Wario raised his fist and ran towards Super Bass, who intercepted Wario’s thrown punch with one of his own. Surprisingly, Bass’s punch was more than capable of standing up to Mega Metal Wario’s, who was forced to recoil while Bass delivered a powerful kick to Metal Wario’s midsection, sending the giant tumbling to the desert sand. While Wario was dazed, Bass switched to his powerful Lightning Bolt and unleashed a storm of thunderous electricity, further amped by Treble’s power so that the normal 5 bolts was instead fifteen, all hitting Wario at the same time. And because he was made of metal, he conducted all of them into his body, dealing immense damage and causing the garlic-eater to become soot-stained as a result.

As Bass took a moment to clap at his own success, Wario took the opportunity to kick out with his leg, slamming into Bass with enough force to send the robot into a mountain, destroying it entirely in the process. Groggy, Wario sat up, turned around, and let loose a giant stinker, which was…also made of metal somehow, and formed into a fist.

The metal fart fist slammed into Bass and erupted in a metallic smokescreen, with Bass being shot out of the sky and forced to make an emergency landing in the sand as Wario laughed at the robot’s misfortune.

Angered at being made a joke of, Bass took to the skies once more and began a furious punching session on Wario’s bulbous nose, hitting it left, right, and center over and over again as Wario couldn’t raise his arms to defend himself, before Bass switched over to his Solar Blaze and fired a couple spread shots of fire. When they hit Wario, they made some parts of his body melt a bit, as Wario stared in disbelief.

“WAHUH?!” Wario gasped as he staggered backwards, giving Bass enough time to deliver a powerful axe kick right to Wario’s gut, sending the titanic Toadstoolian high into the air.

But as Wario went up, he formulated an idea. A wonderfully awful idea, an idea where he assumed a meditation stance and began falling like a rock, too fast for Bass to dodge before Wario squashed the poor robot flat, forming a crater as large as a warehouse underneath his titanium tushy.

“How-a you like that, loser!?” Wario taunted, as he laughed at the misfortune of his opponent, who was forced to sniff all of Wario’s horrendous metallic fumes as they corroded Bass’s skin.

“Get…offa…ME…DUMBASS!” Bass roared as he grabbed onto Wario’s posterior and, with the strength of Hercules, picked up and tossed Wario!

Startled, Wario attempted to repeat his butt-gong trick again, but it was at that moment when the Metal Cap’s power ran out and Wario turned back into his normal form.

“Ah, that’s okay. I’m-a still supa bi-“

And then the Mega Mushroom expired as well, reverting Wario back to his usual size.

“Ah, pastrami!”

And with that, Bass jumped to his feet and slid across the desert at blinding speeds, grabbing onto Wario’s collar before the fat plumber could process what was happening. Lifting Wario into the air, Bass fixed him with an angry gaze and cocked his buster so that it was pointed directly at Wario’s cheeky face.

“Any last words before I wear your skull as a helmet?” Bass threatened.

“Okay, first of all: that’s-a real gross. And this is-a coming from ME! And-a second…you’re not-a the only-a one with a fancy suit, ya know!”

Confused, Bass lowered his gun for just a second. Fortunately, a second was all Wario needed to raise his fingers to his lips and whistle a command of his own:

Play Music

Suddenly, Wario’s whole body was engulfed in sparks of electricity, bolts so intense that Bass had to leap back several feet to avoid being blasted to smithereens.An arm cannon materialized around Wario’s arm, followed by a metallic suit around his body and legs, before a helmet finally materialized atop his head, complete with a visor.

When the transformation was complete, Wario stepped out of the light and revealed his all new Power Suit, straining to contain the yellow-capped Italian’s hulking frame.

“Now we got a REAL party-a, no?” Wario questioned, cocking his own arm cannon at Bass.

Bass looked surprised, but it quickly faded. “You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But right now, it’s more like the sincerest form of ripping me off. And you have no idea how much that pisses me off. I AM THE ORIGINAL, THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, THE ROBOT OVERLORD!”

“Jeez…you-a need to loosen up. Maybe get a hobby? I can sell you one of-a my games if you-a want-”

“SHUT UP!” Bass interjected, slamming his fist into Wario’s face…

…at least, he would have if Wario hadn’t blocked his punch. With his immense strength, Wario lifted not only Bass’s arm, but his whole body into the air, before slamming the robot onto the ground with immeasurable force.

Bass groaned as he attempted to stand up, but Wario wasn’t quite done. Taking his hand of Bass’s arm, he instead grasped his leg, lifting him once more and slamming him onto Wario’s other side, face-first. Again and again, Wario made Bass kiss the pavement HARD until Bass’s face was little more than a mangled piece of metal, before Wario threw the arrogant robot into a cactus nearby.

“Ah, JESUS!” Bass screeched as he painfully dislodged himself from the cactus and found a mess of needles sticking out of his behind. He tried to continue fighting but every step he took was plagued with a thousand years of pain rushing into him all at once, until Bass couldn’t take it anymore and began plucking the needles out one by one.

Unfortunately, this left Bass open to attack by Wario’s arm cannon, which fired a spread of energy blasts that all traveled into the sky save for one. The one shot slammed directly into Bass’s chestplate and forced the automaton into the sky, where he was intercepted by one of Wario’s remaining charge shots implanting a sharp electrical jolt into his systems. However, the true purpose was to inflict knockback onto Bass, forcing him into another shot in the chain again and again, until Bass was knocked high into the air by the final ball.

While Bass was stunned from the assault, Wario took aim once more, but this time switched his ammo to something a bit more…unconventional.

“Eat-a shit and die, motherfucka! Literally!” Wario yelled, as he fired a pile of liquid feces directly at Bass, which hit the bot dead-on and stained his paintjob with…unmentionable elements.

“I really don’t wanna know what just hit me, do I.” Bass groaned as he felt something sticky attached to his body. Then he took a whiff. “Yep, yep, that’s what I thought. Fucking hell, it’s gonna take weeks to get this off!” 

Angered at Wario for literally shitting on him, Bass turned and fired a swarm of Dive Missiles directly at Wario, which veered off in different directions as soon as they materialized before homing in on the armored plumber.

Undeterred, Wario simply switched to his other offensive maneuver and fired off clouds of fart gas directly from his private areas, which were so awful-smelling that they made the Dive Missiles disintegrate on contact, with Wario turning to face Bass with a shit-eating grin.

“So, you got-a any more tricks for-a me?” Wario questioned, as he once more pointed his gun in Bass’s direction and prepared to open fire, Bass right in his sights.

“Well…not yet, actually, but a plan is coming! Lemme just put that out there!”

Unamused, Wario shot out several more combo blasts of energy and shit, intermixing the two so when they hit Bass they exploded into showers of electricity and feces that rained down on Bass and stained his already permanently ruined armor even more.

However, Bass wasn’t quite done yet, as he dodged some of Wario’s shots and pelted him with just as many blasts from his Rebound Striker, bouncing across the desert sands and off of cacti so that they slammed into Wario, distracting him long enough for Bass to get in close and deal a few quick hits before taking to the skies once again, out of Wario’s reach by just a bit.

Eventually, however, Wario’s impatience got the better of him. “Stop-a running away, you-a piece of-a shit!” Wario shouted as he used his jet boosters to jump into the air and transformed into his “morph ball” form, along with generating a series of spikes that ran all around the outside. Wario began spinning around like a buzzsaw, moving faster and faster as he slammed into Bass’s side and began carving out chunks of Bass’s body, scattering the desert sand with Bassnium.

Yet amidst all the pain Bass was feeling, he was smiling. For Wario had finally taken his bait and gotten into range, range of Bass’s Stronger Buster. And while Wario was busy attacking, Bass had leveled his gun at Wario’s power suit.

“GOTCHA!” Bass yelled, as he used one arm to grab Wario and throw him off, and the other hand to fire a saved-up charge shot directly at the armored plumber, hitting his target with a bullseye and generating an explosion that could be seen for miles. The damage had been done, though, and Wario was now back in his yellow and purple attire as he fell face-first onto the sand, smoldering from the attack.

Bass smirked, sure that he had gotten Wario this time as the fat fighter sat up and rubbed his aching head.

“Ow-a…you think-a maybe you coulda been a bit-a more gentle with that last-a hit, paisano?” Wario murmured as he struggled to get to his feet, still a bit groggy.

“Maybe. But I like watching you suffer, worm. Especially since you’re all out of fancy tricks!”

“Is-a that your answer to-a everything? You-a really need a new catch-a phrase, eh?” Wario retorted, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote, waggling it in front of Bass’s face.

“Oh no, don’t tell me-“

“Yep!” Wario answered, pushing the button with much fanfare.

Seconds later, an absolutely enormous mecha shaped like a certain familiar ape was dropped right next to Wario, along with an elevator up to the cockpit. With no time to spare, Wario ignored the transport and jumped straight into the head of the mech, closing the door and powering up the device.

“What the heck is this shit? A Wily Machine!? That bastard gave them to other people and not ME!?” Bass shouted.

“Actually-a, I like to call it…METAL GEAR APE!”

“Metal Gear…”

“Now feel the power of nanomach- I-a mean FARTS!” 

Wario pushed a button, and the giant robotic Donkey Kong took out a metallic barrel from its midsection and hurled it at Bass, who just barely managed to dodge it as it exploded into a shower of grenade bananas.

Unfortunately, Bass was a tad too slow on the uptake to dodge the miniature explosions behind him, which pushed him just enough to get in range of Mecha DK’s Charged Punch, hitting him so hard that Bass’s launched body created a sonic cone as it slammed into a sand dune, with the mech belting out a hearty laugh in response.

Suffice it to say, Bass was rather tired of having sand, proverbial and literal, kicked in his face, and so he took to the air and switched to his ever reliable Quick Boomerang, firing off multiple boomerang shots that left little nicks in Mecha DK’s armor. However, the robot didn’t seem to be slowing down as it continued to swipe at Bass with surprising speed considering it’s massive size and weight, although one of the Quick Boomerangs did pierce the cockpit and earn a curse from Wario about “how much the mech cost!”

As Bass swooped around for another bombing raid, Wario pressed a button on his control console, and the Mecha DK pulled out a banana from his chest. Taking a moment to peel it, Mecha DK then squeezed the peel and shot the banana like a shotgun blast, hitting Bass and tearing a hole right through his arm due to how fast it was giong.

“Shit! Not again!” Bass cursed, as he shot a volley of Freeze Crackers at Mecha DK and freezing its arm in place before it could fire another banana. Then Bass flew in and kicked the frozen appendage right back into the mech’s face, hitting Wario with extreme force and toppling the robot.

With his goal accomplished, Bass used the Freeze Cracker once more, freezing the mech’s arms and legs to the ground and leaving Wario totally exposed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Bass switched to his Super Arm, his hand growing to enormous size and ready to punch Wario’s face into oblivion.

“It’s OVER!” Bass yelled as he flew high into the sky, before turning and diving towards Wario at incredible speeds, ready to end the fight once and for all.

“Oh NO!” Wario countered, as he jammed the controls over and over in an attempt to break free, before finally hearing a slight crackling sound coming from the right arm. Excited, Wario kept wiggling the right stick until finally the arm came free, and was able to flex once more. Seeing Bass about to make a nuclear touchdown, Wario pulled back the arm as far as he could while stuck to the ground, before making it surge forward at high speed and intercepting Bass’s Super Arm punch. The collision created shockwaves and ultimately a destructive burst of energy that kicked up all of the surrounding sand, pushing it to the sides to reveal the hard, rocky earth.

When the dust settled, Mecha DK was gone, and Bass was looking more than a little worse for wear. Many wires were sticking out of his body, and his headpieces were either bent or missing. Regardless, he was sure, 100%, without a doubt, that it was over this ti-

“It’s-a MEEEEEEE!”

“OH FUCK OFF, SERIOUSLY!?” Bass yelled, more agonized than frustrated as he saw a fat shadow come out of the dust. It was Wario, but now his attire had changed once more. He was now dressed in what appeared to be pink pajamas with garlic cloves on them, along with a purple mask adorning his face.

He had become WARIO MAN!

“Alright-a friend, it’s-a time! This is-a where we settle things! You-a ready?” Wario taunted, as he shifted into a battle stance.

“Sure! At least now we can end this!” Bass roared, as the two prepared to finally end the drawn-out clash.

At first, it was silent. The only thing that disturbed the peaceful atmosphere was tumbleweeds rolling across the dunes. But then the buzzards above gave a mighty crow, and the two fighters charged towards each other, slamming their fists against one another.

Neither one gave an inch, and so they kept punching each other again and again, the shockwaves of their punches slowly destabilizing the ground beneath them and dispersing the clouds above with ease.

Finally, Wario and Bass pulled back their fists one last time.

“DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Bass cried out, as he lunged.

“WAHAAA!” Wario retorted, as his fist met with Bass’s and created one final shockwave. Unfortunately for the two of them, this was simply too much for the ground underneath to take, and the earth collapsed, with Wario and Bass falling down the created hole, all the way to what seemed to be the center of the earth.

“Oh, you damn idiot! Now look what you’ve done!” Bass scolded, as he smacked Wario in the face with his buster.

“ME! I think it’s-a you who-a fucked up, no?” Wario countered, bitchslapping Bass right back, as the two began a furious slap fight as they fell deeper and deeper into the Earth’s core, until it started to get very hot all of a sudden.

“Hey-a! Whatsa goin’ on?” Wario questioned, as he pulled on his collar.

“It’s the core! We’re gonna burn up in its heat, you dumbass!” Bass insultingly replied.

“Okay! Then I-a guess we’re gonna settle this with-a one final attack! Letsa go!” Wario retorted, as he turned his back to face Bass with a look of defiance in his eyes, his mustache gleaming.

“Sounds good to me!” 

Bass held out his faithful Bass Buster one last time, and began charging it up more than he had ever done before. Wario, meanwhile, prepared for his ultimate Wario Waft, one with power unrivaled by anything he had unleashed prior.

Finally, their power reached its peak, and Bass’s buster was creating ripples that were disrupting the space-time continuum. Wario felt like his ass was about to explode. And so, with nothing to lose and everything to gain…

“SUPER BUSTER CYCLONE!”

“WAAAAAAARIO WAFT NUKE!”

As soon as the two hits collided, there was simply nothing. No sound except for the planet breaking apart in one swift motion.

And then…silence. The cold, empty vacuum of space was all that echoed in the face of the one who survived. The ultimate creation of one of the world’s most genius minds flexed his android-style muscles and stretched his arms to the sky.

“At last…it’s done. Now…I have proven myself to be the ultimate overlord. The true master of the human race. The king of all robot-kind. I, Bass, have shown all my power! I, BASS, AM THE SUPREME!”

Bass was so busy grandstanding, however, he failed to notice a smelly presence lurking right behind him, and by the time he did…

“Uurgh!” Bass groaned, as he felt his chest and realized there was a massive hole right through it. A hole created by a white-gloved hand belonging to a yellow-capped foul-breathed treasure hunter.

“That’s…not possible…” Bass gasped, as he felt his last moments of life slipping away from him. “I was supposed to win…I was supposed to be the supreme…”

“WAHAAA! Eat that, loser!” Wario cackled, as he moved his fist up and split Bass right in two! As the robot’s halves moved away from each other, Wario finished them off with a few corrosive Wario wafts, until there was nothing left.

And with his victory assured, Wario belted to the skies:

“I’MA NUMBER ONE!!!!”

: Huh. Neat.

: The entire planet is gone and all you can say is “Neat”!?

: Well, yeah it was pretty neat.

: Don’t you care about the planet Maria loved so much!?

: Who?

: At the risk of serious bodily harm, we might as well get to discussing why Bass lost. And this…this is gonna be a doozy.

: Starting with Bass, the robot should definitely be somewhere in the planetary range due to scaling to Mega Man, who is comparable to Wily’s satellite lasers in power. And those things were enough to apparently raze the world and reduce it to ash if they had succeeded. Bass’s durability should be roughly the same since he can take hits from Mega Man, and he should be faster than light via fighting Quick Man, who (mistranslations aside) is able to move at lightspeed.

: So we got Planet Level and FTL Bass, so let’s look and see how Wario stacks up. And uh…yeah he definitely does. There is of course the feat of him surviving the Shake King’s explosion, which was calculated at Small Planet Level, but this is NOWHERE near his limit. In the Yoshi’s Island games, Yoshi was able to punt Raphael the Raven so hard that the bird created the missing piece of a constellation in the sky, which was calculated as Star Level. This is already impressive…but we can go even further.

: In Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam, Paper Mario is shown to be comparable to the Bros., and Bowser is capable of harming Paper Mario. This is important for two reasons. One of them is that Paper Mario survived the collapse of Sammer’s Kingdom in Super Paper Mario, and Sammer’s Kingdom is roughly the size of a universe, meaning that Paper Mario tanked a universe-busting attack. Now obviously, an argument could be made that Tipi teleported them out before they could sustain most of the damage, but even if that was the case, a small chunk of Universal+ would still be Universal+. And though this sounds like an outlier, scaling to Rosalina, who is portrayed as on par with the mainline cast in all games after Super Mario Galaxy 2 and has her own Universal+ feat via resetting the universe, makes it more than consistent enough.

: The second reason is that in two of the Yoshi’s Island games, those being New Island and DS, Bowser from the modern era actually shows up in the past to help fight against Yoshi. And both times, Yoshi is capable of not only standing up to Bowser, but defeating him as well. And considering Yoshi is one of the weaker characters in the verse, pretty much every character scales to some level of Universal+, including Wario. Again, this is backed up by the game Bowser’s Minions, which actually shows enemies like Goombas and Koopa Troopas as being able to fight against foes like Fawful, who gives the Mario Bros. a hard time.

: As for speed, there’s quite a few MFTL+ feats in the franchise, such as the Millennium Star flying to the edge of the universe in Mario Party 3 which got trillions of times the speed of light, but the most notable is the one from the end of Super Mario Galaxy, where Rosalina’s Comet Observatory flies to the center of the universe in seconds. This feat got at least 100 quadrillion times the speed of light, and since Mario’s reactions are about on par with Rosalina’s as of now, this means that Mario and all similar characters in physicality, like Wario, should scale as well.

: So with that, we’ve got a Planet Level and FTL character fighting a Universal+ and MFTL+ character. Yeah…look, Bass may have some cool stuff in his arsenal and is debatably more intelligent thanks to his robotic brain, but really, Bass surviving more than one picosecond against Wario is a feat that should be commended if it actually happened.

: Bass just got Wari-owned here, sadly.

: The winner is Wario, the Microgame Master

Wario (Winner):
+ More experienced overall
+ Far more unpredictable
+ Greater overall lifting strength
++++ Absolutely annihilates Bass in terms of raw power
++++ Ironically, blitzes the ever-living shit out of Bass
= Versatility
– Intelligence
– Is technically fighting a two on one battle due to Treble

Bass (Loser):
+ Intelligence
+ Has a numbers advantage due to Treble
= Versatility
– Less experienced overall
– Far more predictable
– Less overall lifting strength
—- Gets absolutely murdered by Wario’s raw power
—- Cannot even begin to comprehend Wario’s massive speed advantage

Bubsy vs Jake Conway: Smackdown!

JJ: Hmm…are we really going through with this? Are we REALLY?

Bowser: It was your shitheaded idea, so you’re gonna finish it.

Shadow: And if you don’t…

Bubsy: Eh, what could possibly go-

JJ, Bowser, Shadow: Shut up, Bubsy!

Bubsy: Oh sure, let’s all torch the Bubster!

Jake: I’d rather be polishing boots than sit through-

JJ: And don’t think you’re any better, asshole. Fuck you too. Hmph. Anyway, combatants are set, yadda yadda, time to see who would win maybe possibly not really. It’s time…for a SMACKDOWN!

In the Green Plains…

Play Music

It was a day much like any other. The sun was shining, the grass was glistening with dew after a grueling rain storm the night before, and the wildlife were busy roaming from left to right in a ceaseless cycle. And in the midst of all this, in the midst of this pleasantry and happiness and genuine peace, was a house, and a bobcat within. His fur was orange, with a more yellowed muzzle, and he was clad in an ! mark T-Shirt. This freak of nature was known as Bubsy the Bobcat, and he was, put simply, bored out of his mind.

“Arnie, I’m bored out of my mind! It’s been so long since our last adventure, and I’m still TINGLING with excitement!” Bubsy said in an annoyingly shrill voice.

“B-Bubsy, its only been about 1 day since you last beat the Woolies. Can’t you just relax and stop putting me in danger, hmmmmmmm?” pleaded Bubsy’s sidekick, Arnold the Armadillo.

“Hey, snap to it, Mr. Basket Case. It’s me, the Prince of Purrsonality, BUBSY! And we are going on an adventure for the ages. Come on Arnie!” Bubsy said, excitement in his tone

Arnold was about to make a hopeful yet ultimately pointless plea towards Bubsy to leave him in safety, when they heard a knock on the front door. Bubsy went to answer it…only to be smacked in the face and tossed into a wall by the impact. 

In stepped the source of the knock-knock-knocking, that being Bubsy’s nephew Terrence and niece Teresa. They rode in on their skateboards and said, in annoyingly shrill voices, “HEY THERE UNCLE BUBSY!”

“Oh, hey kids. How’s it going? I thought you were with your mom?” Bubsy inquired.

“Well, uh, she said we should come here! She said it would be a…a…what was it again?” Terrence asked, turning his head to his sister.

“An ed-u-ca-tion-al expe-rience?” Teresa answered.

“Didn’t you know we were coming, Uncle Bubsy?” The twins asked.

Bubsy put his finger to his long, bushy chin and thought about it. Suddenly, he flash backed to a couple hours ago, when he received a strange phone call…

“Bubsy? BUBSY ARE YOU THERE!?” The twin’s mother screeched over the phone.

“Yeah, yeah, hold your litterbox, woman. I’m coming.” Bubsy said, rubbing his ears to try and clear out the ringing as he jumped off his couch and walked over to his phone. “Hello…?”

“Oh, thank god. Bubsy, listen, these twins are goddamn insufferable. They’re destroying everything and making the rudest insults and flipping animals off left and right! I think their last visit with you caused this! I’m bringing them over to you, and you better goddamn fix them, or I swear I will claw out your fur and make a catskin rug! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!”

“Don’t worry…The Bubster is on the case. After all, I’m brave!”

“I’m TOUGH!”

 

“I’M A HERO, FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!”

 

“So yeah, I can watch your kids.”

“Oh thank you Bubsy! You don’t know how much this means to me!”

“No problem. Those little tykes will love it here! Okay, buh-bye” Bubsy said, hanging up and jumping back on the couch to read more magazines

Bubsy then flashed back to the present, turned to the kids, and said, “Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about. But hey, as long as you’re here, go nuts with Arnie, he loves it!”

“Oh god, please no…” Arnold pleaded, but the twins heard him and turned over the couch, revealing the poor armadillo underneath. They snatched him up and began tossing him around like a beach ball, laughing all the way.

“Wow, this is great! THANK YOU UNCLE BUBSY!” The twins shrieked.

“Bubsy, I swear, when I get out of this I will kill y-” Arnold tried to say, before he was tossed into a pile of bowling pins.

“Play nice with them, Arnold, or I’m getting the truck!”

“Ooh, ooh, the truck! Hide me, hide me!” Arnold yelped, panicking as he retracted into his shell.

“Oh come on, Arnie! Do we have to go through this every single morning!?”

“D’woah!”

“Look, we got a pattern here. I’m the hero, and you’re my sidekick.” Bubsy said, attempting to reassure the frightened armadillo.

“B-but I don’t wanna be your sidekick. I just wanna live!” Arnold retorted.

“Eh, get over it. Maybe you’ll feel better if we go on an…adventure!”

“N-no, please…”

But it was too late, for Bubsy had already grabbed Arnold by the tail and was dragging him outside to a nearby rocket ship. The twins, in the meantime, had noticed and went outside as well.

“Can we come Uncle Bubsy?” The twins pleaded, their eyes going as large as dinner plates.

“First of all, that’s really creepy. Maybe go ask your mom we’re not gonna give a name to to drive you to the doctor. And second…I don’t know, I don’t think your nameless mom would like me dragging you into danger.” Bubsy answered.

“We’ll be good! We promise! We promise!” Bubsy’s kin responded, tears forming in their eyes.

“Ahh…what the hell. Come in!” 

And with that, Bubsy and his entourage stepped inside the rocket ship and shut the door.

“So, Bubsy, do you even know how to start this thing?” Arnold snidely commented.

“Of course I do Arnie, remember that time I went to Rayon?”

“Of course I do, Bubsy!” Arnold replied. “‘It was the happiest time of my life. 3 straight weeks of peace and quiet. If only he’d never have come back…'”

Bubsy began flipping numerous switches and hitting every button he could get his paws on, causing the rocket to flip and twist and contort into all sorts of shapes and orientations, giving everyone inside a major upset stomach.

“U-uncle Bubsy, we’re ready to get off the ride now!” The twins protested.

Then Bubsy noticed a big red button on the center of the console, conveniently marked LAUNCH. So Bubsy slammed down on the button, causing a rumbling to start underneath their feet. Black clouds of smoke and fire billowed out from under the rocket, and in a few seconds it blasted off, headed for parts unknown.

“U-UNCLE BUBSY, WHAT’S HAPPENING!?” The twins screamed, barely able to hear themselves.

“We’re headed out into space, kids! So hold on tight!” Bubsy replied.

“DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING!?” Arnold chimed in.

“NOPE!”

Meanwhile, in a place far, far away…

Play Music

Dead End was a relatively quiet town. It had its quirks, like a drug shop, a weapons truck, and so on, but otherwise it was relatively normal for a desert outpost.

That is, except for its star attraction, that being the man who single handedly took down the most feared biker gang around, the Devil’s Hand. Despite his legendary status, he still lived a relatively modest life with his girlfriend in the house where he used to live with his uncle and brother before their untimely deaths. He was a tall man, with a brown mustache and beard combo, along with a biker’s jacket with his gang’s crest. This…was Jake Conway.

He was lounging on his couch, enjoying a nice bottle of beer, and reminiscing about all his past experiences. He thought back to when he had returned from the Vietnam War, how his brother had been shot before his very eyes, how he had pinned Colt to the ground before ending his life, how he had seen his uncle hanging on a hook with an empty gaze in his eyes, and how he had finally ended Caesar, the cause of all his troubles. And now here he was, finally able to live in peace with his wife.

All his reminiscing suddenly filled Jake with a desire to visit the site where his family was left to rest. So he got up, and made his way to the door. Just as he was turning the handle, making a creaking noise, Ellie stepped into the room.

“Jake? Where you going, sugah?” Ellie asked.

“Just…gotta make a pit stop. You understand, right?” Jake responded.

“Goin’ to see the family again, huh?” Ellie pieced together.

“Hmmhmm…never could get anything past you, huh Ellie? Alright, you caught me. I’ll be back soon to help with dinner, I love-“

“I wanna go with you.” 

Jake stared at Ellie. “Huh?”

“I mean…now that we’re together…your feelings are mine, right? I wanna see. You know, so we can be closer.” Ellie revealed.

Jake stared for a long time, before finally clearing his throat and nodding his head. “Alright. But be careful. If you fall off the bike, well…it’s not gonna be fun.” 

“Hmph, don’t worry about me, I can hold my own, mrrow.” Ellie retorted sarcastically.

Jake just kinda rolled his eyes and hopped on to his motorcycle, Ellie settling in right behind him and hugging his chest tightly to avoid falling off. Jake shifted into gear and started the engines, merging onto the open lanes and heading for the old graveyard. It was a long two hour drive, and the majority of it was spent in silence. Neither of them dared to open their mouths for fear of disturbing the calming tranquility of the open road. It gave them time to ponder about their future life and what they would do if they ever had children.

JJ: Uuuurgh…

Shadow: I know man, I’m disgusted by the thought too. But…just try to block it out.

But at last, they had arrived at the graveyard. A haunting ambience filled the air, as the wind sent leaves skittering across the ground and piled them neatly around the weathered tombstones. The trees arced and twisted like gnarled fingers, and there weren’t any signs of life around except for them. The two lovers stepped off the bike and slowly ambled into the yard, their feet making a squelching sound as they traipsed through the nearby mud to get to the cobblestone. It took a bit of time, but at last they made their way to the twin stones marking Jake’s brother Mikey and Uncle Mack. They kneeled down in reverence and began making a prayer to the gods above, they heard a whining sound in the distance.

The two scratched their heads in confusion, wondering where the intrusion originated from. Unfortunately, they didn’t have to wait long, as they looked up to see a twinkling in the sky, gradually getting bigger, and bigger, until it was finally revealed to be…a rocket ship.

“Oh my god, what the FUCK is that?!” Jack yelled, turning around to run back to his bike. Ellie tried to follow him, but she barely took 2 steps before the rocket crashed into her body and caused the poor woman to erupt in a shower of blood. The rocket skidded a few miles, crushing all the tombstones in its path, before finally coming to a rest.

When the dust settled, Jake took his hands off of his eyes and looked at the path of destruction left behind. “E…Ellie? Are you there?” Jake called out, before he noticed the pool of crimson liquid lying a few feet in front of him. It didn’t take long for Jake to put two and two together.

“N-NO! ELLIE! ELLIE! You…you can’t leave me!” Jake screamed, both to his dead wife and the heavens themselves. “I…I love you.”

Jake pounded his fists on the ground, filled with despair beyond measure. Then, he slowly transition from mourning to burning hatred. His eyes betrayed a look that would absolutely kill if it had the power to do so.

“When I find the fuckin’ bastard that did this, I’m gonna-“

Jake didn’t get to finish his sentence though, as the rocket opened up and Bubsy staggered outward, a confused expression on his hairy mug. After him came the twins and Arnold, all equally as stunned as Bubsy.

Play Music

JJ: Waait…that doesn’t seem right.

Bowser: Of course it is.

JJ: …Yeah, I’ll roll with it

With the murderous gaze never leaving Jake’s face for a second, he stood up and stared Bubsy down. He opened his mouth and hollered, “Hey, fucker! Fuckin’ look at me when I’m goddamn talkin’ to ya!”

Bubsy was still somewhat dazed, but he managed to shake his head and intercept Jake’s glare. “I knew I should have taken that left turn at Uranus! Eh, sorry, man. Looks like my rocket crashed into your place. Hehe, my bad.”

“My bad? Is that all you can say, after you fucking MURDERED my WIFE AND desecrated the graves of my family!!!??” Jake countered, a crazed look in his eyes.

“Eh, what’s the big deal? All heroes have a few casualties every now and then. I mean, what could possibly go wrong. Besides, if my rocket specifically crashed into this dump, it must mean it was destined to kill them. They must have been evil people. And evil people deserve to be wiped out by Bubsy, hero of the people!”

Jake was about to open his mouth, but then he smiled. “You know what, you’re absolutely right. They were awful people, and I never liked them. I’m glad they’re gone. I’m gonna go home and think about all my terrible life choices now. Good-bye.”

“Yes…and maybe someday, you can be my sidekick!” Bubsy called after Jake as the human made an about face.

“I thought I was your sidekick?” Arnold inquired.

“Well then, you gotta use it or lose it, Arnie, I can’t have a wishy-washy for a sidekick!” 

Arnold was about to open his mouth and respond, when all of a sudden Jake turned around and began running full speed at Bubsy and company, ready to strangle them to death.

“Uh-oh, time to go.”

“Uncle Bubsy, shouldn’t we stay to try and help him?”

“Nah, heroes got a busy schedule. Besides, what could PAWSSIBLY go wrong?”

Unfortunately, Bubsy wasn’t able to get inside the rocket and close the doors before Jake squeezed his way through and began wrapping his meaty fingers around Bubsy’s neck.

“A-Arnie…start the rocket…please…” Bubsy choked out. Arnie, however, just stood there. “‘You’ve had this coming for a long time, Bubsy. Time to say goodb-‘”

A loud rumbling started once again, for the twins had pushed the launch button. “‘DAMMIT!'” Arnold angrily thought to himself, before he was suddenly sent tumbling around the rocket’s cargo bay along with the others. Unfortunately, the ship’s guidance system hadn’t been properly set with coordinates, so the rocket simply flew higher, and higher into the sky, until it finally breached the exosphere and made it into space.

“This is the end for you, you fuckin’ piece of shit!” Jake roared, ready to end Bubsy’s life once and for all, but before he could he suddenly found himself clasping his neck and gasping for air, due to the lack of oxygen. Bubsy, however, was perfectly fine, and he stood up so he was face to face with Jake.

“Ah-ha, not so tough now, are ya? Time to finish you like a true hero!” Bubsy boasted, rearing back his fist, but he wasn’t able to let it fly loose before a beeping sound erupted from the cockpit.

“Uncle Bubsy?”

“Yeeees?”

“What happens if this gauge shows the needle is on E?”

“Oh, well that means the rocket is out of fuel and is about to crash into the planet and maybe kill us all.”

Everyone looked content at that for a few seconds…until they realized what that meant.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!!!!!” Bubsy swore as the rocket began falling back down to Earth. Soon, flaming trails began to leak off of the burning metallic exterior of the rocket as it engaged in reentry. It was a bit hard to see out the window at first, but eventually Bubsy looked out the window and saw what looked to be…the Pyramids of Egypt?

“Everyone brace yourselves…!” Bubsy yelled to the others, as the rocket finally reached ground and smashed into the sand, erupting into a gaseous fireball that could be seen for miles in every direction.

When the smoke vanished from their eyes, the group arose from the ashes of the crash site and staggered forward. Bubsy’s T-Shirt was in tatters and his fur was stained with ash, Jake had lost his jacket, Arnold had chips in his shell, and the twins were covered in dust.

“Guys…are you okay?” Bubsy asked.

“We’re fine, Uncle Bubsy!” The twins answered.

“Peachy.” Arnold said.

“Good, cuz if you guys died there would be no one to be my entourage. And every hero needs an entourage.”

Jake, meanwhile, had noticed that the jacket containing the last memento of his father, the memory of the gang Retribution, was gone, and never coming back.

Bowser: Wait, couldn’t he just make a new jack-

Shadow: Yeah, but it’s part of the story. Call it PiS I suppose.

Jake turned towards Bubsy. “Now, where were we?”

“Look, I know you wanna do the whole hero-villain fight, but I’m not in the mood to play games right now. I have to be a hero and get these kids home.”

Jake pulled out a gun.

“Like I said, I’m not in the-“

A shotgun blast sounded at that moment, and a small indent appeared right next to Bubsy’s feet.

“Takin’ me seriously now?”

“…If that’s how you want it…”

Bubsy’s niece and nephew, and Arnold(albeit reluctuantly) stepped up next to the annoying cat, their fists raised in the air.

“…then this will be the last time you ever see the sun.”

Jake lowered his gun and stared at Bubsy. “What?”

Bubsy stared, confused. “Whattya mean, what?”

“You’re siccing your kids and pet on me in a fight?”

“Technically they’re my niece and nephew, but yeah. Got a problem with that?”

“You…you are without a doubt the most heartless bastard I’ve ever seen. Devil’s Hand ain’t got shit on you.”

“So what, you’re not gonna fight me? ‘Cuz if you do, you’ll have to kill these kids. And I’m willing(albeit with a heavy heart) to make that sacrifice if it means stopping you from spreading evil.”

“Stupid hypocrite. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re all guilty of murder. So I’m more than happy to kill all of you if it means vengeance will be served. BRING IT ON!”

Jake started things off by rushing towards Bubsy and delivering a devestating 3 hit combo to the cat’s midsection. The ferocity of the attack made Bubsy recoil, doubling over and clutching his stomach. Unfortunately, this gave Jake the perfect opportunity to deliver a powerful roundhouse kick to Bubsy’s head. A satisfying crunch could be heard as Jake’s foot made contact with Bubsy’s skull, sending the cat sprawling onto the sand. 

Jake then leapt into the air, raising his foot and preparing to thrust downward with a powerful axe kick. “THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Bubsy managed to open his eyes just in time to see Jake falling down at an incredibly fast speed. Using his, ahem, catlike reflexes, Bubsy managed to swiftly dodge the attack just in the nick of time, as Jake’s foot crashed into nothing, the soft sand cushioning the fall. 

Now it was Bubsy’s turn, as he rushed up to Jake’s backside and delivered a quick series of slashes with his long, tapering claws, leaving crisscrossed scratches on Jake’s biker threads. Backflipping to avoid Jake’s hook punch, Bubsy landed on his hands and then thrust forward upon hitting the ground, slamming into Jake’s midsection with his oversized feet and sending the savior of Dead End flying several feet away, crashing into a nearby cactus.

Jake sat up, rubbing his head, and started to rise to his feet, until he felt a stinging pain in his rear. He looked behind him to see that his butt was covered in about 50 cactus needles, and it was only then that the full pain set in.

“YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!” Jake yelled, jumping up and down, rubbing his butt on the ground, scratching it with his hands, and doing everything he could to remove the stabbing pain from his behind.

“And the Bubster…escapes unharmed. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before messing with the Cat o’ 9 Tails, The Prince of Purr-sonality, BUBSY!” Bubsy taunted, laughing as he watched Jake make a fool out of himself.

Unfortunately for Bubsy, his grandstanding had left himself completely wide open. He was so busy rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically, he failed to notice Jake standing up and pulling out his carbine.

“Duck Season? Rabbit Season? I’m partial to Bobcat Season, myself.”

Jake fired, his shot coming out so fast that Bubsy didn’t even have time to react before a hole was shot in his ear, causing a spring of blood to erupt from the hole and stain Bubsy’s face in crimson liquid. Bubsy rubbed the blood from his eyes, only to see Jake make another shot right as he opened them. Bubsy ducked just in time, but the shot still grazed his T-Shirt, ripping it and revealing his orange fur.

Not playing any more games, Bubsy stood up and slowly took the T-Shirt off of his body, revealing his naked self to all of the world. Fortunately for Bubsy, he and Jake were completely alone.

“Man…If you think that getting naked will distract me from killing you, you must be even more stupid than you lo-Hey, what are you doing?”

For as he spoke, Bubsy started getting closer and closer, a malicious smirk forming on his face, his claws extending to their full length.

“There’s no one here, buddy. It’s just us, alone in the wild. And in the wild, do as the wild ones do. There are no rules out here but the one. And that one…” Bubsy spoke menacingly, slashing at Jake, with Jake barely able to dodge in time.

“Is the law of the jungle!”

Bubsy tackled Jake and wrestled him to the ground, where they began tossing and turning like animals in a cage, each fighting for dominance over the other. Neither would back down, as Bubsy scratched at Jake’s face in an attempt to gouge out his eyes and Jake constantly kneed Bubsy in the groin. But as Bubsy was finally about to hit Jake’s eye, Jake kicked upwards and flung the cat several miles into the air, Bubsy getting smaller and smaller until he finally was little more than a speck in the sky. Then the cat began falling back down.

Bubsy turned to the fourth wall and said “You’re probably thinking I’m screwed here right? Not the case. Dos reasons for this, you wanna hear ’em? Really? Really Really? Really Really Really? Really Really Really-“

Shadow: Mother of Chaos, just fucking say it already!

“Jeez. Now where was I…” Bubsy said, producing a set of notecards out of hammerspace. “Lessee, talk about me being a hero, kill some guy’s girlfriend and desecrate his family, have a badass shirtless moment, ah! Here we go! Okay, so, I’ll be fine because 1. Cats always land on their feet.
And 2. I got Wall level durability.”

So Bubsy got on all fours, prepared to hit the ground. Jake, meanwhile, had taken out his Albatross A-40 Rifle and aimed it upwards towards the free-falling feline, prepared to fire.

Bubsy noticed this, so he reached back into his hammerspace pocket and pulled out an opaque black hole, his teleportation hole, and held it in front of him. Jake, cocking the rifle, licked his lips and placed his finger on the trigger, ready to fire at any time.

Bubsy came closer…closer…closer…

“You’re MINE!” Jake triumphantly yelled, pressing the trigger and shooting a lightning fast metallic bullet right at Bubsy. It seemed like the end…

until the bullet was simply absorbed by the hole!

“What the hell?” Jake questioned, wondering why his bullet didn’t hit its intended target and win the day. Unfortunately for him, he got his answer in a way he didn’t exactly intend, as Bubsy threw the hole so that it was right over Jake’s head, and the bullet came out at blazing speeds, aimed right at Jake’s head.

“Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUUUCK!!” Jake swore as he dove out of the way just in time, preventing him from dying to his own weapon, but at the cost of getting a very useless foot, and a mouthful of sand.

“As I said before, you simple minded fool, this is the law of the jungle…

…And my rule is law.” 

“But we’re in a desert!”

(It’s desert themed and I wanted to make a reference so nyeh)

Jake tried to stand up, but found he couldn’t move very far due to his busted foot. So he simply attempted to inch his way towards his fallen weapon. Slowly but surely, he made his way across the desert wastes, passing a cow skull-

(stop music)

Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, I never got an answer to this in the episode, but why are there always cow skulls in the desert? What logic does that make? At least stick the whole body there to be more realistic.

JJ: Doof? What are you doing here? I mean, not that I’m complaining, but…

Doof: Well…I was talking with Perry the Platypus, and he was just kinda bored waiting for you to make that fight you promised with him, so he asked me to come here and ask you when it would happen.

JJ: If the crossover would just come out faster, then it would have happened faster.

Doof: Oh right, the crossover! I got my newest -inator all ready for it. I’m gonna call it the…uh, let’s see…okay, okay, I got it, I’ll call it the Boom-Boom-inator!

JJ: Didn’t you already make that?

Doof: No, that was the Bum-Bum-inator. This is different. It will TURN EVERYTHING IN THE TRI-STATE AREA INTO POOP!

JJ: Okay, but who’d want to rule a nation of poop? 

Doof: Well, duh, I’d just make a reverse switch.

JJ: I’m surprised you’re actually forward thinking for once. But I thought you were supposed to be a good guy now?

Doof: I guess the crossover is gonna be before the timeskip.

JJ: Ah…well, since you’re here, you wanna stick around? Might be fun seeing someone die. 

Doof: Eh, I got a couple hours.

-past a cow skull, a cactus, and some other various desert items, and was about to grab his trusty weapon, when all of a sudden Bubsy hopped on his head, giving him a major headache, before swooping in to snatch the gun.

“Hehe…now it looks like the gun is on the other anthropomorphic foot, my angry little nihilist! Any last words before I shoot you and restore justice to the galaxy?” Bubsy taunted

“Yeah…you got it pointed backwards.” Jake responded.

“Hmph…the Bubster is not so easily fooled, villain.”

“No, no, I’m serious. I’ve seen the error of my ways. I know that I am truly an evil person, and that I need to be slain in order to bring peace to myself. My family is gone now. The love of my life is gone. I have no further reason to live. So…just finish me off.” Jake calmly spoke, seemingly defeated.

“So, you’re trying the exact same thing you did earlier, where you tricked me, expecting it to work this time?”

“Well, you are kind of an idiot, so I was hoping that would be the case, yeah.”

Bubsy stood there for a good long time, completely motionless, pondering what Jake had said. Then he swallowed, and complied. Pointing the gun in the opposite direction, he prepared to fire.

“Goodbye, Jake. I hope your next dream, is a more pleasant one.”

Bubsy fired, the shot ringing in the air.

…

…

And staggered to his knees, a gaping hole now in his chest, blood spewing forth in a ceaseless tide. “B…Bakana? N-NANI?”

“Hmph. I can’t believe you fell for that. But then again…as the old saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Or in this case, kill it in cold blood. Enjoy the last 5 seconds of your life, you bastard.” Jake said with a nasty grin.

Bubsy, seemingly about to keel over in pain, suddenly smirked, and stood up, seemingly completely unharmed.

“What the fu-“

“Allow me to explain. You see, I knew you were trying to trick me. I will always be three steps ahead of you, Jerk Cumway. So I decided to use my Invincibility Shirt to shield myself from the attack so you would let your guard down. Then I used ketchup to fake the appearance of blood. Pride comes before the fall, after all. And in this case, I mean that quite literally.” Bubsy explained, looking very smug all the while

Confused, Jake looked around, and then at his feet to see that Bubsy had tossed the black hole portal underneath while they were talking.

“I’ve decided to take this bout to someplace more…familiar. What could possibly go wrong?”

“SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIII-” Jake screamed as he fell through the hole.

“And now…as for you three…get here THIS INSTANT!!” Bubsy yelled, and his companions rushed to his side.

“Why didn’t you help me against that guy!? Sidekicks are supposed to act as meat shields when the time comes so the hero can save the day unscathed! I am very disappointed in all of you!”

“Uncle Bubsy, we’re just kids…” whined the Teri twins.

“Wimps! When I was your age, I was FEARLESS!”

“I faced every challenge head-on!”

 

“I-“

“Hey, wait a minute! You’re just using the same clips from earlier to disguise your lack of creativity!” Arnold butted in.

“What, no…The Bubster is 100% original, no stealing to be found here. Sure, I run, and jump, and collect things to get extra lives, and have power-ups, and move really fast, and I’m a walking, talking animal, and…huh, I forgot where I was going with this. Uh…let’s just get to the rocket.” Bubsy muttered sheepishly, as he and the others raced to the rocket, punching in a set of coordinates.

“Bubsy, do you even know where we’re going!?” Arnold yelled.

“Home, Arnie. We’re goin’ home.”

Hours later, in the Green Plains…

Jake, after being stuck in the teleportation hole for some time, finally was spat out next to a blue house with a red roof. He sat up, dazed and wondering how he had gotten there, before getting up and holding his arm in pain. He looked around, and immediately wished he hadn’t, for everything looked about as weird as one of his drug trips.

He tried touching the leaves of one of the trees and bounced back 50 feet. He tried getting candy from the gumball machine and it shot out like a machine gun. He noticed some cute animals that looked like bunnies, so he tried to pet one and they attacked him with yarn balls. Even the cars were deadly.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE!!” Jake yelled to the heavens, completely oblivious of the fact that Bubsy was coming in the rocket outside of his peripheral vision. As the familiar spark of rocket fuel appeared, Bubsy’s rocket descended from the heavens and began making its way back down to Earth.

“Uncle Bubsy?”

“Yeah, kids?”

“How’d we fix this rocket so fast?

“Well…it went a little something like this…”

“Just replace all the boring shit with building a rocket. And by building a rocket, I mean revoking your kids and pet’s salary until you built it for me.”

“Uncle Bubsy, we don’t have salar-” The twins started, before being cut off by a nasally voice.

“Okay, At this point, I just hope that guy kills you to relieve my nightmares. I don’t even care you can hear me, I fucking WANT you to hear me, you degenerate piece of catatonic trash! I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS! I WANT TO TURN YOU INTO A CATSKIN RUG! I WANT TO ROLL OVER YOUR BLOODY CORPSE AND PISS ON YOUR GODDAMN GRAVESTONE AND LAUGH ALL THE WAY SO MY SICK LIFE HAS SOME SORT OF STUPID CONCLUSION AND I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOUR SMUG FACE EVER AGAIN!” Arnold vented to everyone

“Are you done, Arnie?”

“Yeah…yeah I’m done.”

“Good, then off ya go!” Bubsy said, opening the cargo door.

“Go whe-“

Suddenly Arnold was kicked out of the rocket, becoming a speeding death comet heading towards the surface. He may have been small, but the sheer Kinetic Energy of his descent created a giant crater spanning several miles in every direction, a veritable sinkhole, if you will, that even swallowed Jake in its maw, as hard as he tried to escape it.

And in the middle of it was Arnold, who managed to escape unharmed due to his protective shell. “Ohh…when I see Bubsy again I’m gonna give him such a whooping!”

He didn’t have to ponder his vengeance long, for there was suddenly a very audible sound only a few meters away, along with a reddish-orange mushroom cloud. It was the rocket, having made its last and final crash. There was simply nothing left, no doors, no boosters, nothing…except three, blackened, soot-stained bobcats, shaking themselves to be free of the grime.

“Well…that was a thing that happened, right Uncle Bubsy?”

“First of all, stop calling me Uncle Bubsy, it’s annoying. Call me Bubsy, THE HERO! Second…I suppose you two deserve some credit for acting as excellent shields to prevent my death. So you get a reward.”

“What is it, Unc-er, Bubsy THE HERO!?”

“I said you’ll get it, not get it right now. I’m not made of money, for Accolade’s sake!”

They got up and walked around, calling out for their “faithful” armadillo companion, but to no avail. They searched all over the enormous crater with no luck, calling out for the hard-shelled hater, until finally they spotted him, lying facedown on the ground, unmoving.

“Arnie!” Bubsy yelled, racing down the slope to get his armadillo buddy. For at the end of the day, despite all his jabs and jives at the armadillo, he still appreciated and needed him as a friend, and as a wingman to make himself look better. But as soon as he got close…

BANG!

The sound of a gunshot rang out in the air, and Bubsy found that his leg had been shot clean through. More shocked than in pain at first, Bubsy clutched at his leg, confused at how this happened, until he noticed Arnold get up and stand next to Jake.

“A…Arnie?”

“Hmm…yeah. I’m done. You’ve pushed me too far, Bubsy, too far. No longer will I suffer under your idiocy. I’ve found a new partner, one who respects me for who I am, and not just as a punching bag. So I fooled you, fooled you into coming after me so we could end you.” Arnold monologued, an evil smile appearing on his once gentle face.

“Any last words, murderer?” Jake asked.

Bubsy was furious. He had spent so long raising and taking care of that traitorous arma-dilldo, and he turned on him for some asshat biker! 

Well…

“Arnie, you just made the last mistake you will ever make. That, I promise.”

Suddenly, Bubsy took out one of his weapons, that being his Nerf Gun, and cocked it at the duo opposing him. 

“Hasta la vista, babies.”

Bubsy began his ferocious assault, coating the ground with a storm of nerf bullets in an attempt to intercept the fleeing Conway, who was rapidly dodging in between the bullets and around them, Matrix style, Arnold doing the same, until at some point both stopped.

“Hey…hang on a minute. These bullets are NERF darts! There’s literally no danger that can come from th-“

Jake didn’t get to finish his sentence, for Bubsy fired a dart at one of the nearby rocks, turning it into a trading card depicting the visage of Glass Joe.

“The Bubster is always prepared for any eventuality, and all roads lead to BUBSY!”

The battle raged for 59 days, in the prairie of Prax, as those five stubborn Zax stood unbudged in their tracks. Shooting, throwing, tossing and turning, a brawl between them had already been churning. Gunshots were fired, bombs were thrown, until only 2 fighters were standing alone. Their heads held up high, their eyes locked and squared, they edged forward, as close as they dared. They raised their guns, their hearts beating fast, then Bubsy opened his mouth, and said…

“Sorry Conway, you’re DEAD LAST.”

And shot Jake straight in the arm, turning the now useless limb into a trading card.

“RRRRAAAAGGGHHHHH!! You’re dead, you stupid cat! Fight me like a man, and not a pussy!”

“I am a pussy, genius. Is your brain just made of stupid or…”

Unfortunately, by the time he had opened his eyes after his little tirade, Jake was already running away, Arnold hot on his heels.

“Note to self: save dramatic speeches for AFTER you win battles.” said Bubsy, writing on a sticky note he pulled out of nowhere and attaching it to Terrence’s chest, right next to the 500 other ones already there.

“OK, Jake, you may be strong…” Bubsy said, pulling out his jetpack and strapping it to his back. He flipped the switch, as the rocket boosters prepared to lift him into the air.

“But are you FAST ENOUGH!?” Bubsy concluded, as he spread his arms out wide, only for…this to happen.

This went on for a full minute, and it was just incredibly uncomfortable to look at. The jetpack, strapped onto Bubsy’s arms, was threatening to pull them off of his body in its desperate attempts to fly into the sky. Bubsy’s fur bristled and he screeched in agony as his whole body was racked with pain by the upward momentum of his own tool. And all the while, Bubsy’s niece and nephew just stood there, munching on their popcorn as they watched their uncle suffer.

“‘Hmph…they learned from the best, alright.'” Bubsy thought to himself in between rounds of pain, before he finally cleared his throat and yelled “HELP ME STOP THIS JETPACK YOU LITTLE TW-!”

“Jetpack system, deactivated.” said a monotone mechanical voice, and the boosters shut off, allowing Bubsy to kneel and recuperate.

“Sorry for not helping, Uncle Bubsy.” Terrence said.

“Yeah, it’s just you were so funny!” Teresa chimed in.

“When…when we get home, I am going to put you two in a SERIOUS time out!”

“Before you do that, how about you GET A LOAD OF THIS!!”

“Huh…Deja Vu…maybe I’ve been playing too many of those Sonic games for thiev-I mean, inspiration. Yeah, inspiration, that’s it.” Bubsy reminisced, as he looked around to try to find the source of the noise, and found his answer moments later when Jake suddenly flew into the air via hang time from a nearby dirt pile, riding his trusty motorcycle.

“BANZAIIIII!!!!” Jake yelled, his trademark battle cry, as he took out a set of throwing knives. Using his immense strength, Jake held the handlebars with one hand and began chucking knives with the other, throwing with intent to kill. He wasn’t just blindly throwing them either, as the first knife pierced Bubsy’s skin and lodged itself in his rib cage, drawing immense quantities of scarlet blood and drenching the once beautiful greenery with its taint.

“Ack! It’s a TRAP! I’ve been…wounded! It appears that…my time has come! And so…it is about time I share the will to my awesomeness in voice.”

“To my most beautiful girlfriend Oblivia, I give you…my fidget spinner, my golden yarn ball, and half my estate, along with my entire collection of vintage Claws Encounters cartridges. To my pet armadillo before he TURNED INTO A BIG JERK, I WOULD have left my regular yarn balls, my collection of killer disguises, and my toy truck (“OOOOOOH, the TRUCK! Hide me, hide me!” Arnold said in the background).

And to my pride and joy, the thing that makes life worth living, the thing I care the most about…”

The twins leaned in.

“My T-Shirt! I leave you the key to my billion dollar stash, and everything else.”

“What about us, Uncle Bubsy?” the twins complained

“What are you, crazy? You’re like 8 years old, what the hell are you gonna do with inheritance?” Bubsy retorted, before grasping his sides and slowly falling to the ground to lay on his back.

“You know, Uncle Bubsy, you don’t really look that hurt. I think if you just take the knife out and apply some ointment, you’ll be just fi-“

“SSSHHHHH!! THIS IS MY SUPER BIG DRAMATIC DEATH SCENE AND YOU’RE RUINING IT! SO PIPE DOWN!” Bubsy roared.

“Sorry, Uncle Bubsy.”

Jake, meanwhile, was looking over the entire scene with a gaze of equal parts confusion and satisfaction. Swinging his gun over his shoulder, Jake jauntily sauntered forward with a merry gleam in his eye, basking in his victory in stride, Arnold at his side.

“Ooooh…I’ve been waiting for this for a long, LONG time. Time for Bubsy to run out of lives…permanently, hehehe. HAHAHA. AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! Oh, that feels goooooood.” Arnold ranted.

“So, bobcat,” Jake said as he finally closed the gap, “any final requests?”

“Yes…can I eat my corn dog?”

“E…excuse me, what?”

“I’m starvin’ over here, it’s been about 12 hours since I last ate some day old kibble, and muh food tank’s runnin’ on empty. Help a brutha out here, man…” Bubsy pleaded.

“Rrrgh…very well. But make it fast, I’m not a patient man. And I still gotta make you suffer for what you’ve done. I wanna draaag out your punishment for a good long time, until you’re begging to be put down like the mangy fursack that you are.”

Bubsy reached into his pocket and pulled out a corndog, and took his sweet time taking it out of its wrapper. When he finally did, it revealed a very nice looking foodstuff, golden brown cornbread surrounding a delicious hot dog center.

What was decidedly not so nice was the fuse, hidden from sight from all but Bubsy.

“Catch!” Bubsy said suddenly, flinging the corn dog at Jake and hitting him in the head, stunning him for a bit and preventing him from firing a shot into Bubsy’s heart. While Jake was distracted, Bubsy gave a loud whistle that seemed to echo up into the heavens.

From the clouds came Bubsy’s summon, a toy airplane that fired a storm of…yarn balls?…at Jake and Arnold, who were forced to scatter to avoid the storm of ammo. Once the coast was clear, the plane landed on the ground, awaiting Bubsy’s tushy in the seat. Bubsy sat up and brought out his backup plan: A new T-Shirt, healing Bubsy and allowing him to take a little bit more damage so he could set the stage for his master plan to win the fight and become a hero.

Strapping on his aviator’s cap and goggles, Bubsy sat in the pilot’s seat and flicked some switches to restart the propellor, allowing him to once again take to the skies and begin raining more yarn balls on his unfortunate prey.

Bubsy’s assault was relentless. No matter where Jake hid, be it behind a tree, under a house, even in the sewers, Bubsy still flushed him out and peppered him with a thready barrage of doom. But eventually after much running, so much that his heart was giving out, he found his motorcycle and shifted into first gear, popping a wheelie and racing away at lightning fast speeds to avoid the oncoming assault. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out yet another of his trusty firearms, his S91 Magnum, and fired it behind his back into the sky, trying not to take his eyes off the “road”. Yet Bubsy called upon his inner flight experience and performed a series of corkscrews, curlicues, barrel rolls, and other fancy tricks to dodge all the bullets, or just shoot them out of the sky, creating a series of small explosions that peppered the horizon.

It seemed like the battle was due to end in a stalemate, until Jake fired his very last round. Miraculously, it snaked its way through all of the oncoming yarn bullets, twisting and turning and rebounding until it finally collided with the plane’s fuel tank.

“Uh-oh.” Bubsy said, deadpan. “Looks like the Bubster is going down…down…DOWN!”

As the plane spiraled out of control and began its rapid descent to the ground, Bubsy managed to hit the eject button just in time, rocketing out of his plane like…this.

Just as Bubsy began falling downward, he took off his T-Shirt and stretched it above his head, creating a makeshift parachute and allowing him to float down safely. Or at least he would have, if Jake hadn’t started shooting at him at an incredibly fast rate with his Bull Shot TT1. Bubsy swerved his body left and right in an attempt to avoid the deadly metal shrapnel coming his way, but the bullets were simply too fast to dodge completely, and soon Bubsy felt his body being grazed by the bullets, drawing significant patches of red on his once pristine orange fur, before finally puncturing the T-Shirt and creating a hole, letting in the air and once again allowing Bubsy to fall to the ground at incalculable speed to presumably create a giant furry stain on the ground.

“See, that’s how it would normally go, Mr. Ambiguous Block of Text…” Bubsy began, “but you seem to have forgotten one detail. I’m anatomically disproportionate!”

And with that, Bubsy spread out his limbs and began to slow down, using his Glide ability to reduce the damage of falling so he could live to tell bad jokes another day, using his teleport hole to stop the bullets from hitting him once again, although this time Jake had wizened up to that tactic and began dodging the bullets a la Matrix style, like this:

But while Jake Paul-I mean Jake Conway was busy dodging, Bubsy was able to sneak attack from above, jumping on his head and dealing some minor chip damage, as well as stunning Jake so Bubsy could safely land on the ground, doing a 180 turn and pouncing through the air to land on Jake’s stomach, slashing his claws and making enormous gashes on Jake’s fragile belly, causing blood to spew out in droves.

However, Bubsy was too busy slashing like a maniac to notice how Jake had prepared his own weapon, a stone hatchet, which he slammed into Bubsy’s midsection to send the bobcat crashing into a nearby wooden house, splintering the walls and cracking a support beam, causing chunks of cement and plaster to fall on Bubsy’s exposed head, covering him from head to toe in dust and creating a large, rather cartoonish bump on his head.

Jake was ready to assume that Bubsy was out of the fight, but his own experience today had taught him to never assume the opponent is out until their life points are ou-oh, wait, wrong show.

So Jake edged into the house, gun at the ready, and began kicking at the loose floorboards, looking for any signs of life, until he reached the one at the foot of the stairs, where Bubsy was sitting peacefully, his eyes closed.

Jake pointed his gun without making a sound and prepared to fire, his finger slowly pushing on the trigger…

when Bubsy suddenly sprang to life and WHAM!!!! Hit him on the head with a shovel!

Jake was flung back onto his rear end, blood seeping out of a newly formed welt on his head. Bubsy went to attack with the shovel again…only to be intercepted by Jake’s new crowbar. Bubsy pushed downward as hard as he could, but Jake simply would not give in. They kept pushing, and pushing, until Jake finally heaved Bubsy off of him and made him crash into a barstool. Standing up, Jake leveled his blunt instrument at Bubsy, ready to fight.

Bubsy stood up, also raring to go. He steeled himself, and then uttered the immortal words:

“EN GARD-AY!”

And so the fencing match began, both sides vying for supremacy. Bubsy slashed with his pseudo-saber with such ferocity, but all of his strikes were perfectly countered by Jake’s crowbar. They tussled all around the room, a sequence of parries, thrusts, and overhead slashes accompanying them. The clang of steel on steel was audible to all within a five mile radius, and the shockwaves of their battle shook the earth and created large chasms, lava spewing from them and scorching the landscape

It seemed like a bout that would last for eternity, but eventually Bubsy got cocky and tried to go in for a killing stab, which Jake was easily able to parry, knocking the shovel out of Bubsy’s hand and catching it. Leveling both tools at the now defenseless feline, Jake performed a leg sweep to knock Bubsy off his feet, before swinging both weapons in his hands and pointing them directly at Bubsy’s heart.

“Now…prepare to die, at long last, you annoying sack of fur, to finally bring me peace.”

“Hehe…you say that, but…

OMAE WA, MOU SHINDEIRU.” 

“Dafuq?!” Jake replied.

(stop music)

“Aw…CUT! CUT!“Bubsy yelled, confusing Jake long enough for Bubsy to stand up and stare him in the face.

“What was that? That was all wrong, you ruined the scene!” Bubsy complained.

“Wh-what scene, what are you talking about? Did you hit your head too many times or were just born with a bad case of the stupids?” Jake asked, confused as to why Bubsy was saying more off the wall things than usual. Unbeknownst to Jake, this was simply Bubsy’s-

Bubsy: Ooh, ooh, can I introduce it this time?

JJ: Bubsy? Get the fuck outta here!

Bubsy: Aw, come on, what could PAWSSIBLY GO WRONG!? Besides, you let the egghead nerd in here!

Doof: Hey, I have a name, you know. It’s Heinz. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Bubsy: Sorry, Hans Doofenblatz.

Doof: No, Heinz DOOFENSHMIRTZ! What is so hard to get about this name, everyone gets ROGER’S name right.

Bubsy: No need to be touchy, Hals Dookenbert!

Doof: That’s Doofenblatz-I mean Doofenshmirtz! Ah, forget it, that’s why I needed the whole aerosol ozone depletinator thing.

Shadow: Bubsy, just get the fuck out of here or-

Bubsy: My fourth wall awareness allows me to interact with the world outside the screen. Like that guy with the red spandex and twin katanas, who totally ripped me off BTW.

Bowser: Your first appearance was almost 2 years after his, dipshit.

Bubsy: Ooh, check it out! I control the horizontal, I control the vertical, do not attempt to change the channel, I am so spooky nyeh. 

Bowser: …End me. Fucking please, just kill me now. Let me just rewind time and have Ganon explode me about 50 more times.

JJ: Is this going somewhere?

Deadpool: HellloOOOOOOOO!!

JJ: Mmm, I had to ask.

Deadpool: Hey, don’t worry, this time I’m on your side! Can’t have this jackass cramping my style. Pretty soon he might even rip off my catchphrase like he ripped off everything else!

Bubsy: Chilichambos!

Deadpool: He’s not even saying it right, goddamn it!

Bubsy: And now, back to the show!

Jake was still confused as to what the fuck was going on, when Bubsy suddenly stopped talking and turned to face Jake.

“So, you got what I was trying to say about the Omae wa thing?”

“Not a clue.”

“Well…it’s my cue to bring out my ultimate weapon, one I’ve been saving all this time to finish you off in a spectacular blaze of glory. Do you wish to see it?” Bubsy crooned.

“Well, considering you dragged this fight out for as long as it has, I’m sure me and your old pet armadillo here would fucking LOOOOOOVE to see your so called trump card. So go ahead, bring it out, I’ll still stomp your ass into the dust.

“Well then…”

Bubsy got on the ground, face down, and lifted his head up to Jake, with a…rather unsettling look on his face.

“DO IT.”

“W…what?”

“Stomp me hard, baby. Give me a good hard stepping on with your foot.”

“What the fu-“

“STOMP ON ME, ONII-SAN! GIVE ME MY HEART’S DESIRE! DO IT JAKE-SENPAI!!!”

“Fucking NO!”

“Huh?”

“Look, I may be in the market to fuck everyone I see, but even I have standards. And bestiality isn’t really my thing!” Jake said firmly, stamping his foot to make his point clear

“‘Unless Ride to Hell: Route 66 ends up being made. Be grateful it never will.'” Bubsy thought in his head, making sure the then unknown audience could hear it. He then stood up and faced Jake with a look of cold, steely determination.

“Very well. I offered you one chance at amnesty, and you hath rejected it. Forsooth, you shall be swiftly and harshly annihilated by the full force of the Bubsy Empire, mortal. Behold…the prognosticus of your doom.”

From within his pocket, Bubsy took out a strange helmet. It was red, with a visor that covered the eyes and was adorned with two mismatched eyeholes, along with a jumbled mess of coils and tubes on top. This was the Virgil Reality Helmet, Bubsy’s ultimate tool.

“Hey…wait a minute! I thought that thing was destroyed a long time ago!” Arnold said.

“Eh, the egghead built another one and I swiped it, what did you expect? Anyway, now that I have this…your time is up.” Bubsy said, a note of finality edging into his voice as he, with much grandeur, placed the helm atop his noggin, and stared at Jake with a look of triumphant contempt.

“OK, so now you got a funny lookin’ hat. Am I supposed to be intimidated?”

“Maaaybeee…once you see what it can do.”

“So, how about you fill me in, Mr. Great and Powerful Hairball King?”

“Let’s just say…it’s been real nice knowin’ ya.”

Bubsy blinked his eyes twice, and when he opened them, something was…different. Everything seemed as it was before, except for one, rather conspicuous element: Jake, who was now encased in some kind of grey void, and turned into a bunch of rectangular parts held together by only the loosest pixels. Like this:

“&$*#*#*!!!)$)))#!!!” was what came out of the void, in a sort of bubble form, visible to all around.

Doof: Well, at least you’re referencing GOOD media this time…

Shadow: Had to happen eventually, I guess.

Bubsy: C’mon, who could say no to this face?

Even a bastard like me knows to show respect from time to time.

“If you’re wondering how you got in there, it’s really quite simple. You ever heard of a Phantom Zone or Dimension D? Well, this is kinda like that. I call it the 8-Bit Bubsy Boomhouse!“

Bowser: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Now you’re just making shit up!

Bubsy: Of course! It’s a way to make me seem more exciting, come up with clever action setpieces, and stretch out the reading time of the average viewer, all in one! Aren’t I clever?

Shadow: Not the first word to come to my mind. Roadkill sounds more your thing to me.

Bubsy: Look, if it makes you feel better, this won’t be in the results at all. It’s just nice filler.

JJ: Eh, I’ll let it slide.

Bubsy: Really?

JJ: NOPE! You’re a piece of shit.

Bubsy: Seriously not cool, man. 

JJ: Oh what, being a dick on April Fools isn’t acceptable anymore? What has this world come to, I wonder…

“Basically, it’s another dimension you’re stuck in until I let you out, dingus. And now I’m just gonna sit here and point at laugh at you because this is EXACTLY what heroes do, right? Right?” Bubsy asked for reassurance, blinking twice to summon a lawn chair and some microwaved popcorn in a bowl, as he took a seat and stretched his legs so he could finally relax after a long, hard day of fighting.

Or could he…?

—

Play Music

Jake, struggling to comprehend what had just happened, groggily sat up and looked around through half-shut eyes. But at that point they might as well have been closed, because he couldn’t see anything. Nothing surrounded him but a black void that stretched for seemingly endless miles.

“Oh, great, guess I’m stuck in this damn rat hole forever, huh?” Jake whispered, as he got to his feet and felt in the inky darkness for some kind of solid handhold.

Unexpectedly, his fingers groped something fleshy, organic, and responsive to the touch, making the biker recoil as the object grabbed him and pulled him in close, before whispering deadly poison into his ear.

“Why did you let me die, Jake? Was your revenge worth getting me killed? I could have had my own life, Ellie coulda been mine!”

“M-Mikey?”

And just as quickly the figure changed, and a much gruffer voice came out. “Yeah, you just had to take down Caesar, din’tcha? Even though it cost me my life, the life o’ your poor uncle!”

“Mack? I-I’m sorry, I just couldn’t sav-“

“Couldn’t save me, sure. Just like you couldn’t save anyone. You’re perfectly happy to let people die if it means you walk away scot free with your pretty girls. Well what about now? Where are yo girls now? Gone, just like you’re about to be, you ungrateful l’il piece o’ shit!”

“Mack, Mikey…I’m sorry!” Jake bawled as the angry spirits circled him and formed a titanic storm, scraping away at his skin and drawing blood in a pool around him, which the hapless biker was helpless to stop from sucking him in, his arm disappearing below the surface in seconds.

Despite drowning in a tide of his own blood, it felt strangely cold, floating in an icy blackness like he had never known before. He struggled to hold his breath, but soon his lungs began to give out, and he knew that he was done for unless some sort of miracle happened, like that light that had just appeared above his-

“MMMMMM!!” Jake mumbled, as he desperately flailed his arms in an attempt to reach the surface. Thrashing and kicking as hard as he could, he just managed to breach the surface before his lungs gave out. Hacking and coughing as he tried to get air back into his body, he cleared his eyes and now saw nothing but bright orange tongues of flame, licking away at the town of Dead End in front of him, threatening to destroy everything he cared about.

“No, no, no, no, no…What have I done?” Jake whined, as he put his hands into his face and moaned. But then, miraculously, he heard a familiar voice yet again.

“Hey, Jake.”

“Mack?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I know you’re still beatin’ yourself up over what happened, but…you gotta realize it wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could. If you keep doubting yourself, you’re never gonna be happy. And that’s what you gotta be, for Ellie’s sake.”

“I don’t know…I’ve done lots of terrible things.”

“Look, I brought Mikey here too.”

“Hey bro. I know you’re still kicking yourself over what happened with the Devil’s Hand, but you couldn’t have done anything. And you avenged me! You avenged our family! You did it.”

“Well…” Jake responded, “I guess I have been kinda thinking about this too hard. I should just let it go, move on…Thanks guys, I love you.”

“We miss you too, Jake. Now wake up. Wake uuuuuppp…” Mack’s voice faded away as the burning world turned black.

Meanwhile, outside of the Bubsy Boomhouse, Bubsy was playing paddleball with a stick and Arnold’s shell, whacking the giant ball back and forth as the poor armadillo was puking his guts out from within the shell.

“Eh, ya know Arnie, I’m kinda thinkin’ that maybe I made this trap a little too good. I mean, how is he gonna break out and continue his villainous deeds in an epic battle outside of some deus ex machina whatchamacallit that bad writas stick into their plots to artificially increase tens-“

Right there, the Boomhouse exploded into millions of pieces which rained down over the battlefield, the wind force tipping Bubsy over onto his back. And from the dust emerged Jake, a bit battered in places but still cocking his trusty shotgun with a look of hatred.

“You’re fucking dead, cat!” Jake yelled as he began firing a spread of shotgun blasts in Bubsy’s general direction, with the bobcat frantically struggling to get to his paws as he leaped and vaulted between every single blast by the skin of his teeth, eventually landing atop a hill as Jake’s gun gave a click, signifying its spent ammo capacity as the biker sighed and pulled out another cartridge.

“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa…whoa! WHOA! Hold it right there buddy, I’m not done with my tricks yet! You’re supposed to let me use all my trump cards, that’s how it’s done!”

“This isn’t a game. It’s a deathmatch. And you’re the prey.” Jake deadpanned, loading the cartridge and preparing to fire.

“Then maybe a change of scenery’d be good!” Bubsy responded, as he began concentrating, the Vergil Reality Helmet vibrating and dilating until it finally emitted a powerful blast of light that absorbed Bubsy, Jake, and Arnold.

In another universe, far, far away…

The sound of clashing fists echoed across the empty space, as two gloved fists met in the center of a plain linear arena, belonging to longtime rivals and friends Mario and Sonic, getting in an early training session before the grueling day of tournaments that was about to commence.

“So-a…I heard-a you’re gettin’ a movie next-a year!” Mario offhandedly remarked as he performed a breakdance kick, with Sonic leaping over it.

“Well, yeah, but…kinda wish they hadn’t bothered. At least your movie doesn’t look like garbage.” Sonic remarked as he stomped downward and bounced off Mario’s head, leaving the plumber scrambling to pull his cap back up off of his eyes as Sonic prepared a powerful punch.

“I’m-a sure it’ll be a-ok-“

A blinding white suddenly struck Final Destination, sending the two fighters back a long ways as out of the light came Jake and Bubsy, tumbling to the ground with an audible thud.

Quickly, Bubsy rose to his feet and looked around, letting out a low whistle. “Ya see, THIS is a good place to have a scrap!”

“Oh no…” Sonic mumbled as he springboarded himself into the air by his hands and landed right in front of Bubsy. “Look, man, we already told you you can’t be in Smash Bros.!”

“Ah, don’t worry, we ain’t stayin’! We’re just here to settle a little problem and move on, ain’t that right friend?”

“I hate you, so much.” Jake replied.

“See, we’re all friends here!”

Mario and Sonic exchanged a reproachful look before turning back to Bubsy. “So, you gonna let us stay and duke it out?” Bubsy questioned.

“No-a wa-“

“Absolutely!” Sonic replied, placing his hand on Mario’s shoulder. “Stay and fight as long as you want.”

“Wha-” Mario began, only to be cut off by Sonic’s hand over his mouth as he turned the plumber away and started walking, letting the two fighters get out of earshot before uncovering the plumber’s mouth.

“What-a are you doing?” Mario whispered, as Sonic looked back in apprehension before turning to face him.

“Look, if they fight each other, there’s a very good chance they may make themselves so exhausted they’ll never wanna come back here. Problem solved.” Sonic replied.

“But what-a if they try to-a kill each other?”

“Then we’ll…eventually step in and stop it. No big deal!”

“Okay…that does sound nice as a possibility…” Mario responded, as the two self-destructed to go back to the Smash mansion.

“Well…now that we’ve got this place to ourselves…it’s time to finish this!” Bubsy triumphantly boasted, as he tapped into the power of his helmet and miraculously grew about 10 times his size, until a giant bobcat was staring Jake down with a catlike grin.

“Wuh-oh.” Jake commented, as Bubsy extended his claws and prepared to strike, Jake taking out his pistols in response.

Jake started by firing his twin pistols at Bubsy’s head, but the bullets were so insignificant next to the titanic tom that they bounced off and clattered to the ground, Bubsy no worse for wear as he patted his shirt.

“Oh, fu-” Jake started, only to get a haymaker right to the face that sent the biker sprawling to the ground. He touched his nose and realized it was bleeding, and his anger rose even more. No matter what, he was going to finish this bobcat off, once and for all.

“Hehe, is that all ya got, buddy?” Bubsy taunted, making an L on his forehead.

“Not…even close. Get a load of this!” Jake yelled, as he pulled out a rocket launcher and fired it at Bubsy’s chest, creating a large explosion that sent shockwaves all throughout Final Destination as the enormous cat toppled onto his back, the helmet atop his head dropping and landing next to Jake’s feet, with the biker picking it up out of curiosity.

“Time to take this baby for a test drive!” Jake excitedly remarked as he placed the helmet atop his head, and began concentrating as hard as he could while Bubsy tried to find his footing and gazed with a sense of apprehension and intrigue over what was to come next as huge jets of flame surrounded Jake and closed in on him.

Soon they evaporated into cinders, and Jake was still there, but now seated atop one of the most badass motorcycles you would ever see. It was black like ash, with bloodred accents, tailpipes emitting more exhaust than the average New Jersey turnpike, and adorned with a skull emblem with devil horns.

“I call it the Ride to Hell. Like it?” Jake taunted.

“Yeah! Now we got ourselves a fight for the ages! Show me whatcha got!” Bubsy replied, excitement on his face over his first true challenge. Jake, however, was just annoyed. 

“You kill my girlfriend and desecrate my family’s tombstones and that’s how you wanna do this? Alright, but don’t expect any mercy, shitbag!” Jake roared, as he revved up his bike’s engines and took off at high speed, ramming right into Bubsy’s chest and leaving a defined wheel mark on his T-Shirt as the cat was forced to cling to the side of Final Destination to survive.

Not giving up, Bubsy hoisted himself up and performed a breakdance kick that sent Jake flying away at high speeds as he crashed into the platform, with Bubsy running towards him as fast as his giant frame could allow. Jake barely had enough time to dodge out of the way before pressing one of the buttons on his new ride, unleashing twin gatling guns that blasted away at Bubsy’s skin with no remorse, rocking the cat’s body back and forth before finally unleashing one last concentrated stream that slammed right into Bubsy’s chest and knocked the bobcat far away from the stadium, riddled with bullet holes that spurted blood like a sprinkler, until it disappeared from sight with a pillar of light and explosion signifying his knockout.

“Last train to hell. Hope you like the express.” Jake joked, as he looked around in an attempt to find a way out. However, unbeknownst to him…

“IT AIN’T OVER YET, PAL!” 

“What?” Jake mumbled, confused as to how he was still talking. But then, all of the space around Final Destination began collapsing in on itself, with even the stars and galaxies in the background swirling together into one place, until there was nothing but blank white space all around them. Then all of the galactic matter condensed together and solidified in order to form Bubsy’s body once again, only this time he was about the size of a planet, and was nothing more than an ethereal mass of cosmos.

“Do you see these atoms all around us? There’s plenty of ’em in each level! Aren’t these Death Battle writers wonderful!?” Bubsy boomed, his voice shaking the entire void world they now found themselves in.

“Ah, fuckin’ hell, shut up! My god, just give me a few damn seconds of silence, is that too much to fucking ask!?” Jake yelled, holding his ears in pain over the loud noise.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” 

Bubsy laughed in sarcasm as he kicked around like a kid on crack as Jake struggled to avoid the sweeping leg movements. Finally, the killer of the Devil’s Hand leaped over Bubsy’s leg, took out his trusty combat knife, and stabbed downward, miraculously cutting deep into solid matter as he twisted the knife deeper into the…flesh?

Unfortunately, the pain was little more than a beesting to Bubsy as he picked Jake up and flicked him into the ground at lightspeed, creating a massive crater.

“Ow.”

As Bubsy maniacally cackled away, Jake painfully got to his knees and felt his rib cage. He swore, right then and there, that he could feel them cracking beneath his gentle touch, and he knew this next round would be the last, win or lose.

“So…let’s get to it.” Jake muttered in a low tone, as he concentrated with the helmet one last time, and felt the energy of years of technological blood, sweat and tears pour into him all at once, until he too was of a planetary class in size, standing eye to eye with the giant bobcat with a look of undisguised hatred.

“Let’s go.” Jake said with finality.

“Eh, sure why not, bub…sy?” Bubsy replied, even now continuing to crack jokes nonstop, despite the fact that the ensuing clash could very easily tear the world apart.

…

…

And then the two charged.

Bubsy attacked first, throwing a light jab that still generated enough wind force to create miniature tornadoes all around them, smashing into Jake’s jaw and making the biker recoil. Without a second to lose, Jake retaliated with a powerful headbutt right to Bubsy’s skull that forced the bobcat a few hundred meters back.

Pressing his advantage, Jake grabbed hold of Bubsy’s legs and began spinning the enormous cat around in a circle like the world’s largest top, before hurling his quarry into a remaining moon, shattering it and splintering Bubsy’s back with enormous moon shards that stung like venom.

“Ah, that smarts!” Bubsy grimaced, as he ripped one of the shards out of his back, celestial blood gushing, and drove it right into Jake’s side, causing the desert warrior to reel back and clutch his wounded hip and stare with a look of anger.

“You fuckin’ asshole!” Jake screamed as he grappled with Bubsy and wrestled the cat to the ground, before beginning a brutal series of downward punches straight into Bubsy’s face, not relenting even when his fists became coated with blood and Bubsy’s features looked more akin to squashed meat than a face. As Jake reeled back to deliver the death blow, Bubsy used his powerful hind legs to kick upward straight into Jake’s midsection, sending the road fighter into the air. As he came down, Bubsy leaned his foot back, and with a strength he had never utilized before, kicked Jake in the stomach so hard that it almost tore a hole through his chest, as Jake smashed his head on a nearby galactic cluster and fell over, unconscious.

“Aha, yes! Booyah!” Bubsy shrieked, as he walked over lazily and picked Jake up by the throat and held him tight. With the other arm, he extended backward and charged it with powerful orange energy, strong enough to create a singularity around Bubsy’s country sized knuckles.

“Ya won’t really feel this, mug, so I’m just gonna spell it out for you: Hasta la bye-bye!” Bubsy mocked as he prepared to strike.

Eyes fluttering open briefly, Jake saw his life flash before his eyes briefly as Bubsy’s fist came towards him at incredibly lethargic speed. With only seconds to act, Jake reached for his back, and in one fluid motion made his motorcycle appear from nothing and smack Bubsy in the face hard, quite proud as he felt the satisfying crack of teeth breaking.

“Aw, are you still playin’ around!” Bubsy questioned, giving a toothy grin.

“Not anymore.” Jake responded, as he began grappling with Bubsy in a power struggle so fierce that even the ground itself was shaking and threatened to collapse in on itself. Jake and Bubsy could feel their knuckles straining and cracking beneath the pressure of the other’s strong grip, and slowly their knees began to buckle as they attempted to get the upper hand on each other.

Eventually, however, Jake’s sheer strength and training began to shine through as he slowly overpowered Bubsy, bringing the bobcat down to his knees and crushing his fingers as Bubsy almost shed a tear of pain.

“Aw, what’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Well now I’ve got the cat!” Jake mocked as he picked up Bubsy, held him above his head, and threw him high into the air in one fluid motion, Bubsy screeching all the way as he flew higher into the stratosphere.

“Oh, no, you’re not gettin’ away.” Jake said to himself, as he hopped on his enormous motorcycle and revved up the engines to fly into the sky, the tailpipes emitting rocket blasts to propel him higher. Once he was hundreds of feet above the ground, he began spinning with his bike, faster and faster, until he was nothing more than an enormous cyclone, a hurricane, a typhoon ready to rip his opponent to pieces.

Bubsy, meanwhile, had had enough. He steadied himself, and concentrated all of his remaining cosmic energy into one final beam. With the strength of his pet armadillo, his niece and nephew, and the knowledge that nothing could possibly go wrong, Bubsy sucked in air…and then released the power of the:

“GIGA NYAAAAAAN BEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!”

A massive laser formed entirely from poptart cats erupted from Bubsy’s palms and fired at incredible speed towards Jake, who was still spinning like a massive drill as it pierced through Bubsy’s Nyan Beam and began a clash that sent shockwaves all throughout the world, leaving massive scars all over the white space.

“Ah, just give it up, nyaaaah…” Bubsy insisted, as he continued to fire his laser.

“RRRAAAAAAGGGGHHH! I’M GONNNA KILL YOUUUUUUU!” Jake yelled back as he spun even faster than before, his centrifugal force becoming so great that Bubsy’s laser began to break apart.

“No, no!!!!” Bubsy yelled as he put more energy into his attack, channeling even his own life force, but ultimately it meant nothing as Jake steamrolled through and drove right through Bubsy’s chest!

The impact left a clean hole in the bobcat’s stomach, bleeding profusely as the wisecracking cat breathed what would be his last agonized gasps as he fell to the ground with a look of shock etched onto his features.

“Et…Et tu, Jake?” Bubsy coughed as his eyes sightlessly stared towards the heavens before finally glazing over.

With a sigh of relief, Jake dismounted his bike and stared at the motionless body of his most annoying adversary, and gave a harsh laugh.

“Hmph. Take that, rathole.”

“Aw, you’re too kind.”

Before Jake could even process what was happening, he felt a hand drive its way through his skull and squish his brain to pieces. He was dead before he hit the floor, and standing behind him was Bubsy, looking just as arrogant and cocky as before.

“So, I bet you’re wonderin’ how I managed to survive that little scrap? Well, it’s real easy and clean to ‘splain it to y’all, so I’ll try my best. Mmhmm…so one of my last wishes was to use the power of the Vergil Reality Helmet whenever I wanted, so I just kinda magicked all of its powers to me. So when I died, I used that power to summon the spirits of Ugandan Knuckles and Big Chungus to resurrect myself and win. Isn’t that cool?”

…

“Don’t applaud all at once…”

: Well…that was interesting.

: More annoying, if you ask me.

: I’m just glad they finally shut the hell up. Sweet Jesus, that was awful.

: Ah, well ya know…that was pretty alright, methinks. A very alright scrap for very awful characters.

: I see humility is not a strong suit of yours

: Hey, don’t use words I don’t know the meaning of, K?

: Look, the time for witty banter can come after we discuss why Bubsy won. Alright?

: Yeah, fine. While this fight was definitely close in a lot of areas, ultimately Bubsy had just enough advantages to take home the gold.

: Starting off with strength and durability, Bubsy is at bare minimum Wall Level via being able to tank a rollercoaster running into him at full speed, and damaging opponents capable of harming him. The Vergil Reality helmet also is able to make its user as large as a building, meaning Bubsy with the helmet maxes out at Building level strength and durability. Compare this to Jake, who is only Street Level via being able to tank gunshots and harm those who can harm him, and Bubsy has a very clear cut edge, with or without the helmet.

: As for speed, both are roughly even. Bubsy can dodge electricity from Woolies, and Jake can dodge gunfire, so they’re both roughly in the Subsonic+ to Supersonic range. Jake even has the edge in terms of combat training and the deadliness of his weaponry due to using actual guns. However, what Bubsy lacks in terms of deadliness, he makes up for with hax. Bubsy has plenty of shields, many forms of invincibility, and most importantly his NERF gun, which is capable of transmuting enemies into cards. Needless to say if Jake was hit by this thing, he’d be dead, and he doesn’t really have a counter to it. And while he can dodge gunfire, he can’t dodge Bubsy’s NERF gun forever, especially since Bubsy can tank pretty much all of Jake’s weapons.

: Overall, in spite of Jake’s small advantages in skill and weaponry, Bubsy was just a bit too much for the shell-shocked war vet to handle. In the end, Jake took his own ride to hell…and ain’t comin’ back.

: The winner is Bubsy, the cat-atonic catastrophe!

 

 

Winner(Bubsy):
+Stronger
+More Durable
++More hax weaponry
+More experience
=/+Speed (Laser dodge)
-Less fighting skill
-Less deadly weaponry

Loser(Jake Conway):
+More fighting skill
+More deadly weaponry
=/-Speed
-Less durable
-Less Attack Potency
-Weaponry is fairly standard compared to Bubsy’s arsenal

Nazo vs Seelkadoom: Smackdown!

Note: Recently Sonic RPG eps 10 showed Seelkadoom fighting against Hyper Sonic and Super Shadow, so there is potential for Seelkadoom to win eventually.

: Fear a man, for what he could do.
: Fear a THING, for what it will do.
: Fear the mind, for what it can imagine.
: And FEAR the possibility that these edgy OCs actually turned out…not terrible?
: Wait, what? Are you pulling my shell, bro?
: Honestly, I’m just as shocked as you. But I’m not gonna let it show because I’m cool and edgy.
: Yeah, tell me how that works out. You can join my buddy Spikeflame the Dragon Mechaedgemaster down in the Vault when it doesn’t work out.
: Look, I don’t know why you’re so intent on antagonizing me, but-
: Oh, that’s easy. I’m just the best at making the “Ultimate Life Form” throw a hissy fit. People have said I’m naturally charismatic, I guess it just doesn’t work on half-pint shrews. But hey, I suppose not everyone                         can appreciate and bask in the glory of the King of Awesome!
: Oh, I beg to differ, my spiky compatriot…
: Not you again…
: Ah, Shadow, my inferior brother. How ARE you doing today, hmm?
: I don’t have time for this…
: But I came all the way from my castle in Herbegitan to see and then destroy you. Couldn’t you at least provide me with a decent challenge, or maybe regale me with a joke or two?
: Do I look like a clown to you!?
: Mmm…do you really want me to answer that? Because in this circumstance I would say honesty is rather unwise, lest I cause you to start flailing your arms like a maniacal miscreant on a rampage.
: Yes…I totally understood all those words! Well…when Kamek helped me find a dictionary. And read it. And sound it out. And get them out of my mouth. And-
: Yes, we get it, shell for brains, you’re an idiot, can we move on before I get bored?
: Is EVERYONE just gonna break in here like some buddy cop flick, cuz I ain’t paying for the donuts!
: Relax, worm, I’m not gonna stay long. Just wanted to scope out the worthless piece of trash whose ass I’ll be giving a sound kick today.
: And what, pray tell, made you daft or brave enough to believe you can take on Seelkadoom, the ultimate hedgehog, the one who bested the Nightmare Warrior Reala?
: You know, that stuff’s really great for one of those “you tried” certificates you stick on the fridge, but against me you might as well go home and cry to daddy Eggman.
: Alright, worm, do you wish to-
: Look, cutting to the chase, we’re the trio of Bowser, JJ, and Shadow, and it’s time for a SMACKDOWNNN!!!

—

Herbegitan, Dark Side

It was dark…and cold. The trees were bare and lifeless, their sickly looking branches making contortions and dancing in the howling wind. The leaves that had once adorned these great oaks were now littered across the ground, skittering across the dirt and asphalt due to the gale’s power. These forests had once been full of vigor and energy, but had long since fallen into disarray with the arrival of the mad Nightmare Prince Reala, sworn enemy of the Light Side ruler NiGHTS, the Dream Traveler, had taken up residence, twisting the once luscious landscapes and rolling fields into nightmarish atrocities. Those who hadn’t been killed by Reala’s cruel genocide had left long ago to bolster the power of the light side in a desperate attempt to stop Reala. And for a while, it seemed to be working. Reala’s forces had lost ground, forced to retreat to the Castle of Nightmares. NiGHTS’ armies pushed forth day after day, and were on the verge of ending the war of dark and light.

Then he arrived.

It had happened so fast. He just tumbled through a portal in the sky, encapsulated in a ball of light along with three others. Ever since then, the dark side had been edging closer and closer to victory, helmed by their new commander, the dark hedgehog lord. Not many had truly seen his face, but if they listened carefully, they could hear his cold, merciless chuckling, moments before their life was snuffed out by a single blast. No remains were ever left, other than illusory flashes of black and blue, merged together into an unholy dark shape that none could stand against.

He went by many names, but most just referred to him by his self-given title:

Seelkadoom.

Not all was lost, however, for the three who had followed Seelkadoom had joined NiGHTS to fight for good. Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles all fought as hard as they could, and finally scored a major victory, killing the false king Reala once and for all in a climactic showdown. And yet Seelkadoom seemed unfazed, lazily demanding a challenge from the chosen heroes at Reala’s former castle, presenting an ultimatum they could not refuse. And this…this is where we begin…

Present…

“Ah, Sonic, Shadow, so glad you made it to my little soiree. Do you like it? I had the place decorated just so for your arrival. I even went out of my way to get the super high-end premium skulls and bloodstains. Those aren’t cheap, you know.” Seelkadoom playfully bantered, twirling his finger in the air with the utmost casualty.

“Don’t bother trying to distract us, Seelkadoom! You wanted a fight, and one way or another, we’re gonna settle this here, and NOW!” yelled Shadow, the Ultimate Life Form, raising his fists to assume a boxing stance.

“Yeah!” Knuckles the Echidna roared. “We’ll show you! When we’re done, you’ll look like Amy Rose on Green Hill Homecoming Night!”

Somewhere back home, at Emerald Coast, Amy Rose sat up, taking off her sunglasses in the process.

“Miss Amy, what are you worried about?” said Amy Rose’s best friend, Cream the Rabbit.

“Chao chao, chao chao chao chao chao!” squeaked her sidekick, Cheese.

“You don’t look very super-duper happy!” said Big the Cat, the third member of Team Rose.

“I don’t know why…but I feel like giving Knuckles a taste of my Piko Piko Hammer the next time I see him!” Amy yelled.

Back to Herbegitan…

“Oh, please, you simple minded fool. If you didn’t have your two bodyguards keeping you safe, I would have you finished in an instant. You couldn’t protect your rock before, and you certainly can’t do it now.” Seelkadoom taunted.

“Uurgh…Why you little-“

“Hey, Knuckles, calm down! We gotta plan a strategy, remember?” said the other hedgehog, this one with blue quills and red shoes, going by the moniker of Sonic the Hedgehog. “This guy is too powerful to take head on, you know that!”

“Sonic is correct. It took all of our power to defeat Reala, and Seelkadoom is many times stronger than that! My Judgement Night is useless against a foe with this modicum of power.” uttered the last of the heroes, the jester lord NiGHTS.

“Hmm…Shadow, my inferior brother, you and that red oaf should listen to the clown and his pet porcupine. You have no hope of defeating me. I’ve bested you every time we have fought, what makes you think increasing the amount of cannon fodder will change the results?” Seelkadoom mocked.

“C-clown?”

“PORCUPINE!?” Sonic roared. “Alright, that settles it! Shadow! It’s time to show this guy the REAL SUPER POWER OF-“

“Yeah, OK, Super Power of Teamwork, yadda yadda, but if you get in my way, Sonic, I swear to god I’ll destroy you too!”

“Alright, Mr. Grumpy. We can settle this another time.” Sonic conceded, before concentrating as hard as he could. Digging deep within to his last reserves of power, he could feel his chakras opening one by one, until finally the true power of Chaos was revealed to him, allowing him to transform in a flash of light so bright that even Rouge could swear she had seen it from her luxury apartment. Standing where Sonic had once been was Sonic, yet golden, and with quills that stood up on their own. Super Sonic had arrived.

“Hmph…your, Super form? Is that it? I had hoped that you would offer me something a bit more challenging than what I’ve already faced and crushed several times before. Are you simply getting desperate, Sonic?” Seelkadoom questioned.

“Hmph, funny. Cuz from what I remember, I beat you last time with this form, remember?” Sonic countered.

“True. And I offer you my respect. But, that was the first, and only, chance you will ever get. I have grown far stronger since then, and with the power of yours and Shadow’s DNA, I am unstoppable!”

“Fine, so you can handle ONE Super form…” 

“Hmm?” Seelkadoom pondered, trying to find where the sound was coming from.

“…But can you handle TWO?” 

Another light, this time closer to white than yellow, filled the arena once more, forcing Seelkadoom to shield his eyes once more. When he opened them, Super Shadow was now opposing him as well.

“Hmm…now how did you manage to figure out how to unlock the power of the Super Form without the Chaos Emeralds?”

“That secret is mine and mine alone!” Shadow replied bluntly. ‘”Hah…the energy from this Holy Sapphire that NiGHTS gave me isn’t gonna last forever. So I gotta beat Seelkadoom here and now, before it runs out and I get crushed!'” Shadow mentally strategized.

“Well, no matter how it happened, the results will be the same. If Sonic’s form couldn’t defeat me, then neither can yours!”

“You really gotta learn at some point that me and this blue idiot over here are NOT the same.”

“Oh, yes, of course. You’re the arrogant one, and he’s the stupid happy one. I understand now.”

“You know you’re just asking for trouble at this point, right?” Shadow and Sonic said in unison.

“Don’t mock us, Seelkadick, or we’re gonna-“

Knuckles didn’t get to finish his taunt before Seelkadoom suddenly materialized right next to the spike fisted echidna, grabbing his throat at speeds Knuckles couldn’t even comprehend. Lifting the echidna to eye level, Seelkadoom spoke in a cold, slow voice:

“What did you call me, vermin?”

Before Knuckles could answer, Seelkadoom lifted Knuckles high in the air and then slammed him down hard into the castle’s roof. When he lifted Knuckles again, he was sporting a black eye and a chipped tooth. But Seelkadoom wasn’t feeling particularly merciful, so he continued to do it, again and again and again, smashing Knuckles’ face into the hard stone with all the ferocity of a wild bear on the hunt.

“INSECTS. LIKE. YOU. SHOULD. LEARN. TO. STAY. QUIET!” Seelkadoom roared, every word punctuated by an audible crack in the stone.

Eventually, Knuckles’ face was more akin to a blob of red clay, rocks stuck into his features in all the wrong places. Satisfied, Seelkadoom tossed Knuckles aside like a rag doll, an evil smirk appearing on his face as the guardian of the Master Emerald struggled to get up from the beating he had just taken.

“You see, fools…this is the power of Seelkadoom! Back down, and I may spare your lives!”

“Not a chance, Seelkadoom. We’re gonna take you down, and avenge the lives of Ristar, and all the other people you’ve killed in your sick conquest!” NiGHTS said with confidence.

“Go ahead and try it!” Seelkadoom egged NiGHTS on, getting into a battle stance. But before he could react he was kicked in the stomach by Sonic, forcing him to hunch over and cough up what he swore was blood. “BLASTING THROUGH WITH SONIC SPEED!” Super Sonic yelled, before attempting to deliver a powerful axe kick to Seelkadoom’s head. But unfortunately, it failed to connect as Seelkadoom actually caught the attack with his bare hands! Sonic looked shocked, as Seelkadoom stood up and headbutted Sonic right in the face, sending the golden anthro flying back several feet. Shadow, seeing Sonic flying towards him, caught him in midair and swung him around like an Olympic Hammer, before flinging him back towards Seelkadoom, boosting the living projectile’s speed with a few well placed Chaos Spears. Unfortunately, Seelkadoom simply backhanded Sonic and marked him return to sender, forcing Shadow to kick Sonic in the stomach to continue the volley.

And so, in a bizarre game of living tennis, Sonic was sent back and forth by the physical blows and energy shots of Shadow and Seelkadoom. Sonic could feel his body wracked with pain, and wished to transform out of his super form to stop the contest.

“Sonic, don’t you dare give up. We can win this! Just hold your form for a little longer! C’mon, I thought you wanted to prove yourself as the world’s best at speed! Well this is your chance! Go faster, fast enough to break through Seelkadoom’s defense!” Shadow encouraged.

Sonic could barely understand Shadow’s words, but the meaning rang true, and he gave a groggy nod. Curling up into a ball, Sonic revved up like he had never done before, and launched into his powerful Spin Dash maneuver, straight into Shadow’s waiting rocket skate powered kick. The power behind Shadow’s strike sent Sonic flying at inhuman speeds towards Seelkadoom, who realized he had no chance of deflecting the shot, and so he braced himself as Sonic came flying full tilt into Seelkadoom’s stomach and waiting arms. Sonic’s momentum was so great, however, that Seelkadoom was sent flying backward anyway, skidding his feet on the ground until the soles were burnt out, and just barely managing to stop before he fell off the edge. With his body stopped, Seelkadoom picked Sonic up and slammed him into the ground, before throwing him upward and delivering a powerful kick to Sonic’s midsection to send Super Sonic flying all the way up to the moon. Sonic probably would have kept flying all the way up into space, but thankfully the moon stopped his motion as he crashed headlong into its surface, creating a giant hole that turned the one full moon into a crescent.

“So, Shadow…when do you plan on launching your real attack, hmm?”

Shadow growled, before launching himself full speed at Seelkadoom using his Light Speed Attack, attempting to deliver a quick series of jabs and kicks, but Seelkadoom simply weaved around all of the intended strikes, before slamming his fist into Shadow’s ribs and kneeing the hedgehog in the crotch, forcing Shadow to double over and clutch his…you know.

But in this brief moment of weakness came Seelkadoom’s chance to uppercut Shadow into the air, and then fly up to meet the oncoming body. Charging up a blue sphere of energy, Seelkadoom held it in front of his face and set Shadow in his sights.

“Sayonara…Shadow the Hedgehog. It’s been…a blast.” 

Seelkadooom was about to fire, until Shadow managed to open his eyes at the last second. Observing Seelkadoom aiming at him, Shadow focused and then yelled:

“CHAOS CONTROL!!!”

All of a sudden, the world seemed to stop. The loose stones that were falling from the castle’s battlements stopped in midair. The crows flying in the skies above ceased their caws and wingbeats. The howling wind was silent. And everyone else sans Shadow was completely motionless. Shadow, meanwhile, managed to right himself, and flew up slowly until he was level with Seelkadoom, who was still in the process of charging his attack. 

“Hmph. Sorry, half-breed. Looks like the original will always be the best. Say Goodbye!” Shadow methodically spoke, charging up his very own Chaos Spear.

“On the contrary…”

“Whuh-” Shadow started, before being backhanded by a strong force, sending him backwards once again. “H-how did he-?”

“You might be able to stop time, Ultimate Life Form…but you can’t stop me. You can’t stop any of it, really. It’s honestly quite sad you didn’t expect I could counter your pathetic ‘strongest move’ considering the fact that I am made from you.” Seelkadoom mocked.

“How are you so powerful! ANSWER ME!” 

“You still haven’t figured it out yet? How disappointing. You have all the clues. Put them together.”

“Well…you’re capable of matching a Super Form character…like you have some kind of unlimited source of power…no. No, it couldn’t be. It has to be a joke!”

“I’m sure you wish that it was Shadow…” Seelkadoom began, spreading his arms out as he began to glow, “but it is true. I have them. The seven gems of Chaos…the Chaos Emeralds.” 

And there they were, circling Seelkadoom, the gems that gave Sonic and Shadow their power in the past were now fueling their greatest rival.

“So you see, Shadow, you and your foolish allies never had any hope of defeating me. But…I admire your tenacity. So I will give you a chance to live IF you surrender to me now and join my conquest of this world and the lands beyond.”

“CHAOOOSSSS…”

“Hmm…I see. Very well, if you won’t surrender to me quietly, I’ll just have to make an example of you. Dragging your beautifully bloodied corpse around the streets of this pitiful world should do nicely. Ahem…

“DARKKKK…”

“BLAST!”

Both Shadow and Seelkadoom released their attacks simultaneously, the combined Chaos Energy causing the surrounding environment to distort and warp, bending around the explosion of the two attacks.

Even the Chaos Emeralds weren’t safe, being sucked in to the vortex. “What…what is happening? Explain yourself, Shadow!” Seelkadoom yelled.

“ME!? This has your grubby fingers all over iiii-!” were Shadow’s last words before he was sucked into the vortex after the Chaos Emeralds, Seelkadoom not far behind, before the portal closed and reality returned to normal. Sonic and the rest of the world was released from the Chaos Control, as Sonic could only scratch his head and mutter, “What the heck just happened?”

Within the Emeralds…

Shadow and Seelkadoom sat up, shaking their heads as they tried to figure out what had just happened. As they cleared their vision, they saw themselves trapped in a world of rainbow colors, pulsing like a heartbeat. 

“Whuh…what happened?” Shadow asked, still groggy.

“If I were to…surmise an answer…I would assume our combined Chaos energy was powerful enough to somehow draw us into the world of the Emeralds.”

“Hmm…seems real convenient, doesn’t…it…Hey, do you see that light over there?”

“What on Herbegitan are you babbling about?” Seelkadoom ranted, as he turned around and felt his eyes go wide with shock. For right in front of him was a conspicuous dark light, gradually growing larger and larger in size as it absorbed the energy from its Emerald prison.

“I don’t like where this is going…dammit!” Shadow swore.

“Me neither, but I suppose we must face it…eww…together.” Seelkadoom reluctantly stated, feeling himself convulse inwardly.

Shadow gave him a glare, and Seelkadoom continued, saying “I despise the thought as much as you. But I sense an ancient, evil power lurking within, a power that may be greater than even I. If we are to finish our fight, we must deal with this. I know you’re a simpleton but even you must be aware of the old saying, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’?”

“…Yes.”

Shadow and Seelkadoom got into a battle stance, eyes locked on the growing darkness. The air was filled with a palpable sense of anticipation and fear scent, as the seconds seemed to stretch on like hours, until finally a boot stepped out of the dark portal, followed by a silver leg, a torso, and finally a head with spines of a hedgehog.

“No…No, it can’t be…that’s impossible, he’s dead!” Shadow muttered, growing even more afraid.

“What?”

“It’s…it’s Nazo.”

“Nazi?”

“No, NAZO. N-A-Z-O, can you get it right? He was this big threat we faced a while back, after the whole Black Arms incident. It took all of our power to beat him, and even then the damned FOURTH Chaos Emerald kept him alive all this time, I guess. And now he’s back. Shit.” Shadow exposited.

Nazo was silent for a few moments, as he gazed around the area he had landed in. Then his eyes trained on Seelkadoom, and he glared.

“Ah, Shadic! Jackass, it’s about time I get my revenge after you, ya know, BLEW ME UP.” Nazo boasted.

“S-Shadic? Nono, I am known as Seelkadoom, conqueror of Herbegitan. And you are Nazo. Pleasure to meet you, I suppose.” Seelkadoom warily said, feigning politeness.

“Conqueror? So, what, you’re trying to steal my thing? You think it’s OKAY to just, come in, and do what I was destined to do!?” Nazo ranted.

“Well, considering I’m doing a much better job at it than YOU apparently did, yes I would say so. Do you have a problem with my methods?”

“Nonono. My only ‘problem’, is that I haven’t smashed your face into the ground yet!” Nazo backtalked.

“Ahaha…cute. But I was here long before you, so why don’t you just take your leave and I’ll be happy to-“

Seelkadoom was cut off as Nazo rapidly punched him in the face, sending the black and blue hedgehog flying backwards and crashing into an invisible wall, leaving a crack in it. Nazo appeared next to Seelkadoom in an instant and continued to rapidly punch Herbegitan’s usurper ruler in the face over and over, constantly chipping away at the walls of the Emerald prison, until finally…

CRACK!

The wall broke, and there was another giant flash of light.

When everyone came to, they were back outside, and Sonic and Knuckles and NiGHTS were standing over them. 

“Shadow, are you O-” Sonic began, until he caught a glimpse of Nazo. “NAZO!”

“Hehe…yes Sonic, I have come back. Back to finish what I had started long ago.”

“As long as I’m still alive, you won’t hurt my friends anymore!”

“Slow down, Sonic, I’m not here to kill you yet. I still have to finish off this imposter ruler who dared to take my place!”

“ENOUGH!”

Seelkadoom roared, unleashing a Dark Blast that pushed everyone, including Nazo, back a long ways. Seelkadoom got up and stared at Nazo with burning hatred. “So, you wish to engage in battle with the perfect life form, Seelkadoom himself? Very well, but know that you brought this upon yourself, you bothersome little worm. I’ll finish you quickly so I can deal with these hedgehogs myself!”

“That’s assuming you win, which you won’t. The pleasure of stomping these jerks into the ground is MINE, ya got that? MINE!”

Both fighters prepared to battle, the fate of the world on the line. Only one dominator would leave the battleground alive.

Seelkadoom began by casually floating towards Nazo with his arm outstretched, expecting the battle to be over in an instant. He was surprised, therefore, to see Nazo easily dodge the attack and nail Seelkadoom in the back with a well placed downward kick, sending the tyrannical two-toned terror tumbling to the stone floor, smashing into the cobblestone with an audible THUD.

Play Music

“Oh, Seelkadoom…ya gonna have to try harder to beat me, ya know?” Nazo taunted.

“Well, that attack…was just a warm-up. A test to see if you were worthy enough to force me to sink to your pathetic level. And you have mildly impressed me. But be wary, that one good move is the last one you will make. I have never lost when I have gotten TRULY serious.”

“So stop talking and come at me already! I’m waiting…!” Nazo crooned, beckoning with his finger and a malicious smirk.

Seelkadoom growled and then attacked once more, this time at a much faster speed. Too fast, even, for Nazo to react, as he was unable to dodge in time to avoid the punch and was nailed right in the jaw, sending the albino autarch of armageddon down and evening the score. But Seelkadoom didn’t have time to relish in his victory before Nazo did a sweeping leg kick to knock Seelkadoom over, and jumped on top like a lynx. Using his fists, he began to beat the ever living shit out of Seelkadoom, who could barely defend himself as he held his arms in front of his face like a frightened child to stave off the vicious pummeling. Eventually, however, he saw an opening, allowing him to rear his legs back and then launch them straight into Nazo’s stomach, forcing Nazo to recoil and clutch his belly.

Seeing his chance, Seelkadoom flew into the air and snapped his fingers. “BEGONE!” Seelkadoom yelled, as he summoned a barrage of Dark Spears and hurled them all at once toward the distracted Nazo. As Nazo’s peripheral vision became tinted in dark blue, he was forced to look up from his dizzying pain to see the skies above were littered with a hailstorm of projectiles.

“Ah, shi-” 

Nazo barely had enough time to erect a white barrier for protection before the spears slammed into it, the shield managing to hold, but not without some noticeable cracks. He could feel each and every spear’s impact, hitting with the force of tank shells, and so he had to use all of his willpower to hold the shield together. “C’mon, just a little more…” Nazo said to himself.

“Hmph, you know that talking to yourself for encouragement is a sign of desperation. Are you just willing to give up without even attempting to fight back? How sad. I actually thought I was facing a talented fighter at first until you let me down.” Seelkadoom mocked.

“Urgh…you know, normally I’m a firm advocate of offense being the best defense…but this time I’ll make an EXCEPTION!” Nazo roared, before turning the scattered remains of his barrier into his own Chaos Spears.

“TAKE THIS!” Nazo bellowed, as he unleashed the maelstrom of spears upon his shocked opponent. 

“Uh-oh.” Seelkadoom said quietly, as he used his speed to dodge each and every spear, even going through two parallel spears like some sort of limbo master. He twirled, he twisted, he vaulted, he leaped through all the oncoming shots, until they fizzled out in the distance like firecrackers. He then turned to Nazo and smirked.

“Bravo, Nazo. Bravo. Your ingenuity is quite impressive, almost to the level of my inferior brethren. I feel we could have made a great team, you and I, conquering the world…” Seelkadoom mused.

“Maybe, but then we’d have tried to screw each other over in the end to get the power for ourselves. Cutting out the middle man feels a lot more gratifying, ya know?” Nazo countered, his hands glowing with power.

“True.”

And then, faster than anyone could react, Seelkadoom and Nazo flew at each other and started a furious melee tussle, each trying to land a crucial blow on the other, yet failing and dodging to avoid the inevitable counterattack. The two hedgehogs became nothing more than blurs in the darkened skies, their clashes creating rings of white that let off powerful sonic booms, decimating the trees around the castle and weathering the stone floor.

The immense pressure set on the bedrock by the collisions of Seelkadoom and Nazo created enormous cracks in the stone, and a rumbling was heard that reverberated throughout Herbegitan.

“Uh, Sonic?” Knuckles said, a note of fear rising in his voice.

“Yeah, Knuckles?” 

“I don’t think this floor is gonna hold us for much longer!”

And, such as it was foretold, the natural luck balance of the universe shifted its favor away from Knuckles for just that moment, causing the ground underneath to cave in, ready to send Knuckles to an untimely death, his body shattering and left impaled on the sharp rocks below…

…if it weren’t for the timely assistance of NiGHTS! The jester of dreams grabbed Knuckles hand with not a moment to spare, saving him from his fate and carefully flying away to place him safely on the ground below.

As for Sonic and Shadow? They transformed into their Super forms just in time, and flew to rejoin NiGHTS and Knuckles on the ground.

“HEW, THAT WAS TIGHT!” Sonic cockily remarked, scratching his blackened nose with his trademark smirk plastered onto his face.

“Hmph, we may have gotten out of that mess, but a few miles of distance won’t stop those two from annihilating us once they’re done! We need to figure out a way to get them out of here. Any ideas?”

“Hmm…I believe I know a way. There is an ancient Herbegitan sealing spell, used long ago to prevent the conquest of the almighty Danondorf Gragmire. We don’t talk about it anymore, but…we still have the book with the spell in it, hidden in my castle on the light side. Seelkadoom and Nazo are too powerful to seal, but we can use the alternate version and transport them to another dimension.”

“Such as…?” Shadow remarked.

“I’m not sure. It seems to be random.”

“Well, THAT’S reassuring.” 

“Guys, can we focus please? Those two are gonna annihilate us if we don’t do SOMETHING!” Knuckles ranted, shaking his fists in the air.

“Alright. Sonic, you and Shadow head back to my castle and grab the book. Knuckles and I will remain and keep watch of the situation. If we are in peril, I’ll contact you using telepathy. Now, hurry, and be wary of my castle’s defenses!” NiGHTS warned.

“Yeah, yeah…not like it’s the first time. Alright, Shads, let’s get going!” 

“Do NOT call me Shads, or I swear I’ll kill you before we get there!”

“Alright…Edgy the Hedgey?”

“CHAOS-“

“Fine, sorry…killjoy.”

As Sonic and Shadow flew off, bickering as usual, Nazo and Seelkadoom continued their brawl unaware of the situation. Their attacks were moving faster than light, darkness, time, even the universe seemed awestruck at the rapid barrages from the two combatants. Soon, the thuds given off by the punches were spliced with sounds of krrzap! as Dark Spears met Chaos Spear, the sky lighting up like Mobian New Years.

“Damn…you’re a stubborn little shit, I’ll give you that much. Not many hedgehogs have forced me to bulk up like I am now. You can give yaself a little pat on the back, good on ya, all that jazz. But now it’s gonna cost ya!” Nazo smack talked as he punched Seelkadoom in the jaw, only to receive a kick in the shin back.

“Perhaps if you spent less time talking and more time concentrating on your attacks, you wouldn’t be so easy to predict.” Seelkadoom retorted.

“Oh, that’s rich, considering you’ve spent half this fight whiling away on your oh so eloquent and voluminous dialogue. And you’re criticizing ME on my verbosity?” 

“…Maybe.”

Eventually, the two grew tired, taking the speed of their scuffle down to subsonic levels, until it finally stopped altogether, the two fighters backing away from each other to catch their breath.

“Hah…I’ll admit, this is tough, but I ain’t givin’ up just yet! CHAOOOSSSS-” Nazo began, charging his power and directing it into his legs. Seelkadoom took notice and, while still panting heavily, prepared himself for his next move.

“BOOOST!” 

Nazo yelled as sped full tilt at Seelkadoom, fully intent on smashing right through his enemy’s skull…only to be surprised as Seelkadoom dissapeared!

“What!?” Nazo cried out, shocked, as he flailed his head around rapidly, attempting to find where his foe had vanished to. He was so busy looking, in fact, that he failed to notice the warm breeze tickling the back of his neck until it was too late, causing him to turn around in time to catch Seelkadoom whispering

“Boo.”

like a snake, hissing as low and long as the wind. 

“Oh, shi-” Nazo started, attempting to blast Seelkadoom, only to be stopped by a dark blue aura surrounding his body. Suddenly, Nazo felt his whole body go rigid, unable to lift his arms to blast his opponent, unable to move his legs to get away, unable even to turn his head.

“Wh-what have you done to me?” 

“It’s quite simple. My mind has overpowered your feeble will, and now your body is mine to command, to control. I’m like the puppetmaster, and your strings have officially been cut and replaced by the sinews of fate, wrapped around my metacarpals of dest-You know what, this sounded more imposing in my head, let’s just move on.” 

And with that, Seelkadoom lifted Nazo high overhead before slamming him into the roof, leaving some blood pouring out of Nazo’s mouth. Seelkadoom did not stop, though. He kept on slamming Nazo into battlements, the wooden dining table below, the ashen fireplace, the weapon stocked armory, even the sewage system wasn’t glossed over as Seelkadoom rampaged throughout his castle, hellbent on finishing Nazo off no matter the cost.

By the time Seelkadoom grew bored, Nazo had sharp implements stuck to every part of his body, looking more like a porcupine than a hedgehog, and he was bloodied and battered all over. His eyes were half closed, and he was just barely clinging to life.

“How pathetic. I suppose my suspicions about you were right all along. But I suppose you did give me a halfway decent fight. Now…where are those meddlesome do-gooders I need to crush?” Seelkadoom mused, turning his back and floating away.

BIG MISTAKE.

As Seelkadoom turned his back, Nazo’s hand reached weakly into the sky, and then gained new strength to slam back into the rock, leaving a tiny crater. Seelkadoom paid no mind and continued on, unaware that Nazo was using his regained power to lift himself onto his hand, and then flex his legs to climb back to his feet. Once finished, he held out his hand, generating an even larger ball of Chaos Energy than before. Larger and larger it grew, until it was almost the size of a dwarf star, and just as bright.

Seelkadoom didn’t see it at first, but as the light grew brighter he felt it on the nape of his neck. “What on Mobius is going o-O-OH MY GO-“

“CHAOS TORRENT!”

Instead of a bunch of large computer files, out of Nazo’s ball erupted hundreds upon thousands of small, yet incredibly deadly Chaos Spears, forming a white spiral that swirled around the battlefield, collecting bits of dust and residue like a gravity drive, until it resembled an enormous energy meteor, bursting with power and immense destructive capability.

“That…looks slightly more impossible to dodge than I’m willing to risk my life on.” Seelkadoom quipped, before gathering his energy, placing two fingers to his temple, and disappearing in a flash of light, leaving the spears with no target as they burst into miniature explosions, peppering the skies in bright flashes.

But not all of them.

As Seelkadoom popped back behind Nazo, some of the Spears, sensing Seelkadoom’s chaos energy, turned around and began homing in on the ‘hog. Startled, Seelkadoom took to the skies and attempted to fly away from the shots. However, it was all in vain, as they were simply too quick and began to gain on Seelkadoom.

“AHAHAHAHA, Good bye!” Nazo cackled, watching his handiwork with the proud look of a father.

Seelkadoom was desperate, flying through the forest in an attempt to stop the shots from following him by leading them into the trees, but they were simply too powerful, and passed right through all of them. Even when Seelkadoom lifted three of the trees with his mind and twirled them around like a pinwheel, the shots still passed through as if they were air. Rocks, water, they all burned upon facing this powerful force. It all seemed hopeless…

…but Seelkadoom still had one idea left.

“Time to put those skills from Crack and Baxter to work!” Seelkadoom muttered to himself, as he changed course and made a beeline back to the castle, the missile spears hot on his tail. Nazo, meanwhile, was still chuckling over his brilliant plan, unaware that it was about to blow up right in his face…literally.

Seelkadoom was flying higher, higher, higher…up to the heavens, the spears straining to keep up. He went so high that he was silhouetted against the moon, broken by the wizard Gragmire in centuries past. Then he turned back to face the ground, and dived. He flew so fast that in no time he reached terminal velocity, aiming directly for Nazo, who still had not caught on to Seelkadoom’s plan and was now standing, confused at what was to happen next.

“I only have one chance at this, so hopefully it works ouuuttt…!” Seelkadoom said to himself, his voice raised to be heard over the screeching wind.

“Is he doing what I think he’s doing-Oh he is, goddamni-“

Nazo didn’t get to finish his remark before Seelkadoom, at the last possible moment, pulled out of his nosedive and allowed the Chaos Spears to smash right into Nazo, each one blowing up on contact and sending the tyrant flying into the air before falling flat on his face, burned everywhere.

Seelkadoom was about to boast about his genius in conjuring the plan, but it was stopped by Nazo getting up and slowly healing off of all the damage.

“Oh yes, I forgot. You seem to heal at a rather expedited pace…that is troublesome.”

“Yeah, needless to say, ya dun fudged up not killing me when you had the chance. And now, you’ll be ‘rewarded’ with relentless pain before I finish you off, as you beg for mercy!”

“Mmm…very well, then I suppose it is time I use one of my strongest attacks against you. I feel you have earned the privilege. Behold, my power!” Seelkadoom boasted, drawing in his arms and holding them to his sides to charge power.

“Oh, so we’re using ultimate moves, huh? Aight. But mine is just that slightest bit more ultimate. Mmmm…”

“CHAOOOOSS…”

“DAAARRKKK…”

As the power within them built up, energy from the air and the forest around them was sucked dry, leaving the landscape barren for the sake of powering up the two fighters. Even the event horizon around them began to twist and distort, as if time and space were bending to the will of a couple three foot hedgehogs. 

It was around this time that Sonic and Shadow appeared over the horizon, and clutched in their hands was an enormous, leather bound black book. They carried it between them as they flew at incalculable speeds to reach the fight in time to use the spell, touching down next to NiGHTS and Knuckles before transforming back out of their Super Forms.

“NiGHTS, we got the book! What do we do now?” Sonic questioned.

“We wait.”

“WHAT?!” Knuckles yelled. “ARE YOU CRAZY!?”

“SHHHHH! You don’t want to disturb them, or else they might turn on us! Besides, I have my reason. The spell isn’t terribly strong, so we need to wait for them to be at their weakest point before we even try. It looks like they’re about to use their ultimate attacks. If we survive this, then they’ll be weak enough to attack them. I just need all of you to be prepared for when that time comes, understood?” NiGHTS explained.

“Yeah, IF we survive. This is crazy, I’m just gonna go punch ’em!” 

Knuckles starting stomping away, his fists clenched in anger, when Sonic grabbed his shoulder. As Knuckles turned to face Sonic, he received a healthy slap right in the face, forcing Knuckles to reel back and rub his stinging cheek.

“Gimme a break! What’s up with all this drama!?” Sonic complained, scratching his head. “Hah…Look Knuckles, I understand how ya feel. I wanna clobber those two too. But if we charge in without a plan, we’ll get massacred. You saw how they beat us with little effort, what shot would you have?” 

“As guardian of the Master Emerald it is my duty to-“

“To become a red stain on the ground? I don’t think so! Just hang back and let NiGHTS do his thing, aight?” Sonic finished, arms crossed.

When he got no response he tapped his foot and raised his eyebrow, as if waiting for something.

“Fine…” Knuckles hesitantly mumbled, but continued to badmouth the plan under his breath, which no one caught. “That’s the spirit, Knuckles!”

Shadow just stood back and watched with quiet amusement. “‘This is honestly funnier than any joke that blue buffoon has ever told.'”

While this was going on, Nazo and Seelkadoom were still charging their power, and the ripples in space-time were growing even larger and more out of control, so much so that it seemed they were on the verge of making a wormhole.

“Hey, uh, buddy?” Nazo remarked.

“Yes…?” Seelkadoom replied.

“I think we mighta charged too much!”

“NORMALLY I WOULD CALL YOU DAFT BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT!”

“SO SHOULD WE FIRE OUR ATTACKS NOW!?”

“NOT YET, WE NEED TO BUILD MORE DRAMATIC TENSION!”

“WHY ARE WE YELLING!”

“I HAVE NOT THE FAINTEST IDEA!”

“AH, SCREW IT I’M TAKING AIM!”

“ME TOO!”

It was at this point that both fighters released all their energy at once.

“BLAAAAAAAASSSSSSTTTTT!”

All the energy was released at once, but at first it imploded, creating a small blast that was more akin to a fireball. Then after a few seconds, it expanded all at once, creating an explosion that was powerful enough to not only obliterate the castle molecule by molecule, but also destroy the remainder of the forest, the lake nearby, the mountain in the distance, even the clouds were parted by this incredible force. Just in time, Shadow managed to erect a Chaos Barrier, supported by NiGHTS, allowing the energy to pass over them without significant damage, but it still took all of their power to keep the barrier from collapsing under the intense pressure.

The power seemed to radiate for an eternity, and yet it vanished in a few short moments. The scars would never truly heal, but the plan seemed to be working. For as the smoke cleared, Nazo and Seelkadoom were there, lying on the ground, drained of energy and breathing heavily. It seemed like they were on the verge of death.

“ALRIGHT, NOW!” NiGHTS yelled, as he and the others charged in, ready to recite the spell. 

Nazo and Seelkadoom didn’t notice, too busy trying to rise to their feet as Sonic and company opened the book and started skimming through it. 

“C’mon, c’mon, where the hell is that sealing spell!?” Shadow urged.

“I don’t know, look at the table of contents!” NiGHTS offered.

“It’s written in some weird ancient language I can’t understand!” 

“I can! It says the S section starts on page 574! Turn there, turn there!” NiGHTS ordered, as Sonic and Shadow flipped the book’s massive pages.

“Okay, let’s see…Sek-Duat…Sectumsempra…Shoo-Lin’s Swords of Silence…Sarathos…There’s no sealing spell, where is it!?” NiGHTS frantically wondered aloud. “Wait…now I remember! The sealing spell goes by a different name, after we defeated Gragmire. It’s called the Grand Gragmire Geralt Spell. Turn to page 324!”

They turned the pages once again, skimming their fingers down the numerous print columns, until finally…

“THERE! I see it! Oh, and it’s really complex too. Goody.” Sonic muttered.

“We’ll only get one shot at this. Any more time and they’ll be too powerful to seal. You better be a damn good caster, NiGHTS!” Shadow roared.

“The best. Alright, here we go…Ahem.”

As NiGHTS began chanting, he moved his arms with the rhythm of his voice, as mellifluous as the timbre of the songbirds. 

“Owa, tagu, saiyam. Kakin, Rajat, Balum. Hakin, Rakin, Bakin. Kemo, Alouette, Sharinga. Bazinga, Kazinga, Labinga. Waringa, Aroo, Gleeok. Mobius, Twilight, Herbegitan. Saka Shiki KAZANGAAAAA!”

As NiGHTS finished his chant, ghostly wisps of energy leapt from his fingertips, gradually growing longer and shining a golden color. The wisps encircled Nazo and Seelkadoom, entrapping them in a magic circle, used for dimensional transport.

“Wh-what’s going on?” Nazo asked, still groggy from the fight.

“Fool, they’ve trapped us in a magic circle! If you think you’re strong enough to seal me, think again! Even while weakened, I am still FAR more powerful than you could ever dream of being!” Seelkadoom ranted.

“Who said we were trying to seal you? We’re just pawning you off on some other dimension. And now, BEGONE!” Shadow yelled, his voice echoing up to the heavens as thunder struck behind him, glowing blood red with Chaos Energy. Waving his arms, Shadow along with Sonic and NiGHTS began closing the magic circle in on Nazo and Seelkadoom. Try as they might, the two could not break free from the shackles.

“Hmmhmmhmm…Nice try, ya blowhards! We may not be able ta get outta here…but we can choose where we’s endin’ up! Your planet is not safe from Nazo…NOTHING IS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Nazo laughed, his mouth disappearing along with the rest of him as he and Seelkadoom disappeared into the aether.

“Huh…what do you think he meant by that?” Knuckles wondered, scratching his head.

“I’m not sure…but I got a really bad feeling.” Sonic answered.

The group stood in silence for a moment, pondering the meaning of Nazo’s last words, when all of a sudden Sonic’s S-Phone started ringing. 

“ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND, GOT PLACES TO GO, GOTTA FOLLOW MY RAINBOW, JUST KEEP IT DOWN, GOTTA KEEP MOVING ON, JUST WHAT LIES AHEAD, ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT-!”

“Ehehehe, sorry guys. Probably should set that on vibrate.” Sonic said sheepishly, pulling out his phone.

“‘Hmph. I can’t believe the cocky bastard put his theme song as a ringtone. How arrogant can you get? Although…it’s not a half bad idea. People will be living and learning when I stroll down the street alright. Just gotta download it…'” Shadow thought to himself, smirking.

“Hello?” Sonic asked.

“Oooh…Sonikku!!!!” 

“Rrgh…hello…Amy.”

“Hiiii, SONIC!!! How are you doing!?” Amy squealed.

“Fine, fine, just perfect, thanks for asking!” Sonic said through gritted teeth. “‘At least, I was before you called.'” He thought to himself.

“Oh, Sonic, I know you just LOVE my little pet calls, but this time I don’t have time to chat with my Sonikku! There’s a couple of these scary hedgehogs destroying Station Square, and they just destroyed Cream’s gym! We need your help, onii-chan!!” Amy explained, high-pitched as usual.

“Hedgehogs…wait! So that’s what Nazo meant about changing their destination! He must have influenced the spell to spit him out back on Earth! We gotta get back and stop him before it’s too late!” Shadow exclaimed.

“Oh, hey Shadow. I’m so glad you’re there keeping my Sonic safe! I can see why that bitch Rouge cares about you.” 

“Yeah…HEY!”

“Well, I guess I’ll just try to get everyone to safe-Hey, who’s that behind Knuckles?”

“Huh?” Sonic asked, turning to NiGHTS. “Oh, yeah, I forgot! Amy, this is NiGHTS, my-“

“GIRLFRIEND!!??”

“Yes, my girl-wait, what?”

“Oh, I see how it is, Sonic Maurice Hedgehog! You’re gone for a couple days and you find a new girlfriend! I thought we had a connection, I thought we were an item!? I SWEAR TO CHAOS I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU PAY, I WILL DESTROY YOU AND THEN FORCE YOU TO DATE ME, AM I CLEAR!!!??”

“Mmmhmm…excuse me, Miss…Rose, was it? I must inform you that I am not, in fact, a woman. I have no sexual attraction to your…mate, in any way, shape or-” NiGHTS attempted to say, only to be cut off.

“OH, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH! NO ONE ASKED YOU! SO, WHAT, MY DARLING SONIC ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU’RE JUST GONNA TOSS HIM ASIDE LIKE SOME SORT OF PLAYTHING! THAT SETTLES IT, ONCE I’M DONE WITH SONIC I’M GOING TO KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!??”

“UGH, WELL I NEVER-YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE SONIC FOR MY OWN NOW SO NYEH TO YOU TOO, MADAM!” NiGHTS retorted, clearly upset as he…caressed Sonic’s arm?(Creepy.)

“Uh…okay, then.” Sonic replied cautiously, loosely shaking NiGHTS off and giving the jester a strange look, before reassuring Amy that he was still only for her(“until we get back to my house!” Sonic replied afterwards), and Amy seemed to calm down just a hair. She wasn’t screaming in Sonic’s ear at least, and promised to help evacuate the city.

“Okay, then. Good luck, Amy.” Sonic finished, hanging up. He turned to his comrades and asked one question:

“How in Mobotropolis are we gonna get outta here?”

The team sat there, pondering for quite a while, until NiGHTS got an idea. “The sealing spell! If it was able to send them back to your home, perhaps it can send you there as well!”

“Sounds crazy! But…we don’t have a choice. If Nazo is back home, the first thing he’ll go for is the Master Emerald to power up again. We can’t let that happen, we just barely defeated him the first time! So, come on, let’s go, and hurry it up!” Knuckles urged, pounding his fists together and scuffing the ground, agitated.

“Alright, alright. Just stand together in a circle.”

“This isn’t one of those things where we gotta hold hands, right? Cuz I ain’t touching Faker with a ten foot pole.” Shadow retorted.

“Just stand next to us, Shads, it’s pretty simple.” Sonic countered, with Shadow begrudgingly complying.

“Here goes everything…Owa, tagu, saiyam. Kakin, Rajat, Balum. Hakin, Rakin, Bakin. Kemo, Alouette, Sharinga. Bazinga, Kazinga, Labinga. Waringa, Aroo, Gleeok. Mobius, Twilight, Herbegitan. Saka Shiki KAZANGAAAAA!” NiGHTS chanted once again, summoning the same golden tendrils to wrap around Sonic and his gang.

“Thanks for everything NiGHTS. It’s been real. Good luck repairing your kingdom!” Sonic shouted, waving goodbye.

“Thank you my friends! You have made this all possible. Godspeed to you, and goodbye!” NiGHTS yelled back, as Shadow, Sonic, and Knuckles disappeared back to their world.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, a few hours earlier…

The waters were calm and peaceful around Angel Island. Well, around being a bit of a misnomer, considering the island flew hundreds of feet in the air, suspended by the power of its guarded jewel, the Master Emerald, a shimmering green relic of 4,000 years, designed to empower and drain the energy of its seven offshoots, the Chaos Emeralds, at will. Guarded by the Knuckles Clan for centuries, the gemstone somehow managed to always be either shattered, stolen, or interfered with at every turn, forcing countless adventures brought about by the desire to retrieve it. And today was no different.

Out of the sky, a glowing portal materialized, and it spat out two hedgehogs, still weary from their fight earlier as they spiraled down towards the water. It seemed like they were about to crash and splatter their innards all over the calm waves, but at the last moment, Nazo and Seelkadoom opened the corners of their eyes, saw their fate, and then opened them as wide as possible in shock. Shifting their legs underneath them, they strained as hard as they could against the force of gravity, eventually managing to slow and then stop their descent, hovering just above the waves as the winds whipped up a miniature cyclone around their toes.

“Hmmm…this place. It’s rather unfamiliar to me. And yet…it feels like I’ve been here anyway…” Seelkadoom mused, gazing around. Then he looked up.

“Oh my god, what is that thing up there and what is it doing there, I need answers now!” 

“Relax, would you!? It’s just Angel Island, home of that red blowhard we saw earlier, and his treasured Emerald. It’s power is unmatched by any other I’ve seen…besides mine.” Nazo exposited.

“Really?” As Nazo nodded, Seelkadoom got a malefic grin. “Interesting…you won’t mind if I borrow it, do you?” 

“No, not at-Hey, wait, that power is MINE!” Nazo countered.

“Well, then I suppose you’ll just have to beat me to it then. Toodle-loo!” Seelkadoom playfully said, flying high into the air to reach Angel Island.

Play Music

“Oh, no ya don’t!” Nazo replied, frustrated, as he followed behind as closely as possible, firing numerous Chaos Spears at the rising Seelkadoom, who took notice and meticulously dodged around all of them without so much as a scratch on him, casually waving behind him as if to indicate that Nazo had failed…

…only to be surprised as Nazo appeared above him in a second!

“What, are you surprised? You knew I could teleport, right?” 

“I did. I just wished to know when you would use it, so I could partake in it as well. Never let it be said that I am a not a man of chivalry and honor…for the last few seconds of your life.” 

And with that, Seelkadoom teleported as well, and the two began a frenetic race to get to the top via teleporting, occasionally blasting energy shots at each other in an attempt to slow the other down, until at last both reached the top at the same time. They stopped to catch their breath, and then launched into the air to fly towards the center of the island, where the Master Emerald stood waiting, ready to bestow power onto one of them.

“Give it up, Nazo, the unlimited power of the Master Jewel shall belong to the only one worthy, the almighty SEELKADOOM!” 

“THAT’S STILL A STUPID NAME YA KNOW!” 

“HEY POT, THIS IS SEELKADOOM, I JUST CALLED TO NAZO HE’S BLACK!”

“ARE YOU COLORBLIND OR JUST RACIST!”

“I HAVE NO IDEA!!!”

They kept ranting like this all the way to the shrine, Seelkadoom pulling just the slightest bit ahead.

“AHA! Victory…is…MINE! Prepare yourself, Mobius or Earth or whatever it is. You are about to meet your new overlord, Seelkad-OW!” 

For in the middle of his tirade, Nazo had cheapshot Seelkadoom in the back with an energy blast, forcing the black and blue bruiser to crash land on the steps of the shrine, just inches away from his prize.

“N-no…must…get…to…EMERALD!” Seelkadoom panted, taking pained steps up towards his goal…only to be stopped dead in his tracks as Nazo managed to touch it just before he could lay his fingers on, allowing Nazo to jump on the Emerald and disappear into a column of light, which slowly turned crimson as it ascended into the sky, mixing with the clouds to turn them black as sin, making the entire sky look like a hellish storm.

“NOOOOOO!!” Seelkadoom screamed, banging his fist on the ground and rolling in the grass like a petulant child stripped of his candy, as he watched the power that should have been his get stolen by another power-hungry leech.

And then, it was over. The scarlet pillar vanished, the clouds dissipated, and everything seemed normal. And yet standing where Nazo once stood was something entirely different. It was the same hedgehog, but now his body had turned the darkest shade of brick, his sclerae had gone pure yellow, and his eyes…they gleamed with a green that was more like pond scum in terms of its appeal. And yet it was more than a simple color change and a shimmering new facade. Perfect Nazo was now more powerful than ever.

“HA! You see, Seelkadoom…you never had any chance against me! All this time, all this struggle, it’s been against my base, weakest form. Now that I have ascended to a higher level, what chance do you have? Wait, wait…allow me to answer. NONE. Simply put, my archrival…I am simply superior to you in every way. Not just the ultimate, not just the amazing, not just the insurmountable…I am PERFECT.” Nazo bragged, making exaggerated gestures.

“Hmph. Perfection is not attainable by any ordinary street rag who happens to grab some nearby power. It is a birthright, granted to those who are truly deserving since the dawn of their lives to lead the world. And as such, destiny will choose me, Seelkadoom, as the herald of a new age of devastation and darkness on a new world, while you are left behind, lost to the sands of time. Now, prepare yourself, Nazo, for I AM HERE!” Seelkadoom ranted back.

The two shifted into their fighting poses, ready to finish this battle once and for all.

Elsewhere, Sonic and friends finally got sent out of the dimensional rift and landed in Mobius. Shaking their heads, the trio clumsily staggered about, trying to regain their balance before they felt their feet touch solid ground. Thankfully, NiGHTS had taken the time to make sure they were placed on Angel Island directly.

“Well, we’re here. Now we just gotta find-“

At that moment, an red-orange pillar shot into the sky, illuminating everything and glowing even brighter than the sun.

“Yeah, I’m guessing that’s them.” Knuckles finished, as he and the two hedgehogs raced towards the source of the light. When they finally arrived, they saw Nazo, surrounded by the light and atop the Master Emerald, with Seelkadoom sprawled on the grass, screaming and kicking at the loss of his newfound power.

“No, GODDAMNIT! We’re too late! Nazo already has the power of the Master Emerald, and his Perfect form! There’s no way we can beat him now, even if we had the Chaos Emeralds!” Shadow bellowed.

“I hate to say this…but it looks like we’re gonna have to put all our faith in…Seelkadoom. If he can’t win, we’re all dead.” Sonic sighed.

“I don’t like this…” Shadow muttered.

“Me neither, Shadman, but it’s the only shot we have. Just keep quiet and maybe they won’t notice us…” Sonic finished, as he and Shadow and Knuckles hid in the trees.

At this point, Seelkadoom had finished ranting and was on his feet, a scowl etched onto his features and his fist raised in anger, as Nazo stepped away from the Master Emerald and floated towards Seelkadoom.

“So, how do you like these stones, eh? I know red is kind of a garish color, but hey, what can ya do with fan animation in 2007?”

“…I’m sorry, but something as hideous as you cannot be allowed to exist in my, PERFECT, world. I’m afraid you must be obliterated, but be aware that what I’m about to show you is a very rare occurrence indeed. BEHOLD, THE FULL POWER OF THE SEVEN CHAOS EMER-!” 

Before Seelkadoom could display his power, he heard a cracking sound. And then another one. He looked up and tried to find the source, and was horrified to discover that the Emeralds he had worked so hard to steal were now cracking, straining to hold themselves together under the immense pressure given off by a powerful individual.

“Wh-what is this? How are you doing that!? ANSWER ME!” Seelkadoom ranted.

“I didn’t just gain power from the Master Emerald, I gained the POWERS of the Master Emerald. Including it’s ability to dissipate the energies of your pathetic ‘Chaos Emeralds.’ Meaning your power is USELESS against ME!” Nazo smugly remarked, laughing afterwards, the cold, cruel sound filling the silence that existed not moments before.

“And now…goodbye.”

With that, the Emeralds were shattered, their discarded pieces littering the ground around Seelkadoom. Shaking, he picked up the pieces of the fourth Emerald and held them in his hand, feeling none of the warmth and positive emotional power he had experienced just moments earlier. Seelkadoom closed his eyes, inwardly bawling due to his last shot at victory seemingly vanishing forever…and yet within the Emeralds he sensed another force. Not of light, and purity…but darkness, destruction…CHAOS. “‘I could use a little chaos right now…'” Seelkadoom pondered, as he fingered the Emerald shards. He then turned to Nazo with a furious gaze and fire burning in his pupils.

“You piece of trash…I swear to you, I will end your life in the most painful, soul-wrenching, evil way I can imagine. And it starts right now!”

Seelkadoom’s body began infusing itself with energy, a dark energy, one that Sonic had not felt for a few years. It sent a chill down his spine, as he questioned whether it was truly what he thought it was.

“Kn-Knuckles?”

“Yeah, I sense it too. Chaos.”

“What are you idiots mouthing on about?” Shadow impatiently questioned.

“Before we met you, we fought this big water guy, powered by the negative energies of the Emeralds. Name was Chaos. And now…I’m feeling that same power from Seelkadoom. He must be attempting to harness Chaos’s energies to take on Nazo!” Sonic realized with horror.

“Well, you beat him before, right? We can do it again.”

“It’s not that easy. To do that I had to use the positive energy of the Emeralds. And…” Sonic gestured to the now broken Emeralds.

“Ah…well, you geniuses have any ideas?”

“Genius…that’s it! Tails must have a solution! C’mon, we gotta go find him fast!” Sonic urged, turning his legs into a classic figure eight and running as fast as he could away from the battle.

“Hmph. Alright Sonic, you wanna race there, be my guest. But don’t expect to win.” Shadow retorted, skating away into the trees.

“I…guess I’ll just wait here.” Knuckles said, turning his eyes back to the battle, a look of fear noticeable in them.

“RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!” Seelkadoom roared into the skies, as a black pillar encased him in its clutches, slowly beginning to warp his body, and his mind. His spines grew longer, his shoes now turned a mixture of grey and off-white, and his eyes…they glowed now the deepest shade of royal purple, the mark of Seelkadoom’s self-entitled status as a god among the commoners.

Nazo was initially shocked, but then his eyes narrowed, and he smiled. “So, this is your ultimate form, isn’t it? Impressive. I always figured you were hiding something as well. Very good, very good indeed. Now I can test out the powers of Perfect Nazo against…”

“Nega-Seelkadoom.”

“Well then, Nega-Seelkadoom…prepare yourself. A god is nothing if not omnipotent, and I will prove my status by defeating you today. And when it is concluded, I’ll keep your head as a prize, parading it around the blood-soaked streets of this city as a reminder of what happens to those who cross me.”

“Then stop chittering and FIGHT!” 

Nega-Seelkadoom stared Perfect Nazo down, anger burning in the two-tone lab experiment’s eyes. “‘How dare he…he dares to encroach upon me!? ME, the superior being!? Impudent wretch…I will simply eliminate him, the same way I will eliminate the rest of these fools who defy me!'”

“Perfect Nazo! Prepare to be wiped out by the power of absolute darkness!” Seelkadoom threatened. 

Far from being intimidated, Perfect Nazo simply smirked. “Hmph. Big promises, but all talk. You can’t defeat me and you know it, so you’re grandstanding in the hopes I might take pity on you and leave! I have news, though. You’re going to die, die before all of these wretches, and I’ll make sure it’s a slow, painful death. You don’t get to leave this world with a smile.” 

With all of their words laid on the battlefield, the final clash commenced.

Nazo began by lazily extending his fist outward in a punch. However, even this small amount of effort resulted in wind pressures strong enough to force Seelkadoom and everyone else back an incredible distance, as well as obliterate all the trees on the island.

“Goddammit! You’re gonna pay for that Nazoooooo!” Knuckles roared as he disappeared over the cliffside, out of sight.

“I doubt it. But don’t worry, I’ll obliterate the rest of this pathetic floating rock once I’m done.” Nazo remarked, taking a moment to lounge on top of the Master Emerald. 

However, he underestimated how fast Seelkadoom could recover, and was unable to stop the hedgehog from returning to the shrine and delivering a powerful haymaker straight to Nazo’s jaw, which sent the crimson hedgehog flying away at high speeds, Seelkadoom following it up with a series of quick jabs to Nazo’s midsection before finally unleashing a mighty axe kick strong enough to send Nazo into the ocean with an enormous splash.

Unsure of whether or not the job was completed, Seelkadoom flew downward until his feet were touching the water’s surface. He glanced around, trying to spot where Nazo could have resurfaced, leaving himself wide open to the true danger.

In the span of milliseconds, a hand reached out of the water and grabbed onto Seelkadoom’s leg at blinding speed. The villainous hedgehog didn’t even have time to attempt an escape before he was forcefully dragged under.

The water was dark and cold, so much so that it felt like Seelkadoom’s grave. A bit nervous, he glanced around and attempted to find Nazo and eliminate him, but the water was so dark that he couldn’t see two inches in front of his face.

Even if he could see, however, it would do him little good. For the threat approaching was not around Seelkadoom, but underneath.

“CHAOS…”

Seelkadoom did hear the faint sound, but it sounded so muffled he didn’t understand his fate until it was far too late. He continued glancing around, unaware that his quarry was a few feet below him, ready to strike.

“FLARE!!”

From Nazo’s hands came an enormous ball of chaotic energy, which slammed right into Seelkadoom’s exposed chest and sent the hedgehog flying after the explosion, an explosion that dwarfed Angel Island in size and caused the seas around Nazo to erupt into a ball of steam, casting a pillar of smoke into the sky.

Seelkadoom slammed into Angel Island’s underbelly, but he carried so much force that his body drilled through the island and popped back out on the other side, his once pristine fur now caked with dust and dried blood. His eyes struggled to open, but when the crisp air hit him directly in the face, he was startled awake and managed to slow his ascent until he was levitating a hundred feet over the island, still rather groggy from the assault.

He couldn’t see Nazo, but he could sense his powerful life force coming from behind the clouds. And so he waited…waited…

“Prepare to die, worm!” Nazo roared as he prepared to finish off Seelkadoom with a powerful punch…

“‘Now!'”

Seelkadoom instinctively dodged out of the way at the last moment, Nazo’s momentum carrying him so that he was unable to stop before he hit Seelkadoom’s carefully placed Chaos energy ball. Upon touching it, Nazo received a powerful electric shock, coursing through his body and paralyzing him. Before he could shake it off, he was knocked into another energy ball and received the same effect. And so it happened again and again, Nazo hitting the energy balls Seelkadoom created every few seconds and being unable to stop himself before he hit the next one due to being caged in.

Eventually, though, a combination of Seelkadoom’s waning power and general boredom caused him to stop creating energy balls after Nazo hit one directly above him, freeing him from the energy cage and sending the blood-crazed maniac careening into the Master Emerald shrine at terminal velocity, creating a dust storm that ripped any surviving vegetation out of the ground.

Clapping at his own handiwork, Seelkadoom gently floated down and landed on the stone. Casually, he waltzed up to Nazo, who was weakly trying to get back on his feet, when suddenly Seelkadoom slammed his foot down hard on Nazo’s chest, pinning the fuzzy anthro to the ground.

“And…and so…the glorious reign of Nazo the Hedgehog comes to a pitiful climax. But…don’t worry, I will…carry on your legacy…make it better than what you could accomplish. But I cannot do that…while you live.” Seelkadoom whispered, generating one more ball of Chaos energy in his hands.

“Any…final words?”

“You…seem to be hurt too. A lot.”

“Yes…you are strong, I will grant you that. But it seems you have not escaped unscathed either.”

“True, true…and normally this would be even. But…this is not the limit of my power.”

Seelkadoom’s eyes widened, but only for a moment. “You’re bluffing”

“No…All this time, I’ve just been toying with you. Offering you the faintest possibility of scraping the win into your grimy hands…but it’s time that this facade ended. It’s time I reveal my true strength!” Nazo raored, as a blinding flash of light erupted from him and into the sky, creating a rose-colored world, bathed in the blood and dark twilight of Nazo’s ascendance.

“Wh-what is this?!” Seelkadoom ordered.

“You claim to be perfect. And you know, maybe ya are. But even if you have reached perfection…I have surpassed it.“

“What?”

“Maybe it’s better if you see for yourself!” Nazo shouted, as the light exploded all around him, forcing Seelkadoom to cover his eyes in order to prevent himself from going blind. But as soon as it had begun…

…it was ended. And in its place was Nazo. He still glowed red, but now it alternated between different shades of red and light pink, and even Nazo’s aura glowed multiple different colors.

Hyper Perfect Nazo. Three words that inspired terror in even the most fearless of fighters. Even Seelkadoom was getting chills upon realizing the sheer power Nazo had just unlocked.

“So…shall we continue?” Nazo pondered.

Seelkadoom was about to retort when he suddenly felt a powerful punch directly in his gut. He could feel his body straining, trying to keep itself from being ripped clean through by the blow. Satisfied with the damage dealt, Nazo backhanded Seelkadoom into a stone pillar, knocking it over and leaving a rather nasty bruise in Seelkadoom’s quills.

Seelkadoom attempted to get up, but yet again he was too slow to stop the roundhouse kick that slammed into his side, sending him careening into the Master Emerald and shattering it into pieces once more. From atop the shrine, Seelkadoom tried to stand, but found that his legs were unresponsive. He began coughing up copious amounts of blood, staining the once pure-white cobblestone with red.

“‘My god…he’s actually going to kill me! I must end this at once!'” Seelkadoom thought, before he began flying into the sky, hoping his location was still a mystery to Nazo…

Only to find the red hedgehog right above him.

“Oh, son of a Chao-“

Nazo began laying a furious beatdown onto Seelkadoom’s already battered body, his punches hitting with the force of millions of nuclear bombs and his laser blasts threatening to cleave Seelkadoom in two. Every time Seelkadoom attempted to inch away, Nazo grabbed the hedgehog’s legs and threw him back into the island to continue the assault.

However, while Nazo was preoccupied with the task of breaking Seelkadoom’s legs, the black-and-blue conqueror was able to reel his arm back and punch Nazo squarely in the jaw, breaking the hedgehog’s teeth and forcing Nazo to throw Seelkadoom high into the air, higher than even the clouds. Nazo, realizing his mistake, rubbed his fractured jawline and stared upwards, wondering what Seelkadoom could possibly be planning in such a weakened state. 

Unfortunately, he would soon find out, for high above Seelkadoom was doing something he never thought he would stoop low enough to do: pray to Chaos.

“Mighty god…grant me the strength I need to defeat this arrogant warrior once and for all!” Seelkadoom pleaded. And from within him, the Chaos Emeralds finally responded, poring all of their energy together and sending it through Seelkadoom’s bloodstream. And at that critical juncture, he finally felt the power that he had been missing all along.

Holding his arms up to the sky, Seelkadoom prepared to fire one last blast, strong enough to destroy Seelkadoom, and possibly wipe out all life in the process. 

“Ah well…c’est la vie.”

A purple ball of energy formed in Seelkadoom’s hands, gradually growing bigger and more destructive as Seelkadoom poured more Chaos Energy into it, until it was the size of a small moon.

All over the world, people saw the darkness in the sky, reminded of the terrible darkness that had come about as a result of Dark Gaia. All they could do was grasp each other tightly and pray for the end to be swift.

Nazo, still pacing around in the sky, finally noticed the purple glow as well, dwarfing even his own fiery aura.

“So…looks like this dumbass is preparing his final attack. Fine, then…if it’s a clash he wants…it’s a clash he’ll GET!” Nazo pridefully shouted, as his two hands joined together and began charging a similar destructive ball, only colored red and orange and pulsating like a giant heartbeat.

The twin balls of destruction soon became the same size, the colors mixing together to create a beautiful, malefic rainbow effect that covered the world in an inglorious light. In the skies above, lightning storms raged on, fueled by the power of the two fearsome furries.

With one final gasp for breath, Seelkadoom tossed the enormous ball of darkness down at the planet, yelling “SAYONARA!”

Nazo compressed his ball into a confined orb between his hands, before he fired it out as a massive laser, yelling “FINAL CHAOS BLASTER!”

The two attacks collided in midair, and shockwaves spread out across the world, destroying its vegetation, parting the seas, and decimating the mountains. And yet none of it mattered but who ended up victorious. Neither side seemed to give in. Every time Seelkadoom pushed hard, Nazo pushed back equally. Every time Nazo had the upper hand, Seelkadoom tapped into more reserves of strength and evened it out.

It seemed like they would destroy each other. But then…

“Give in, Nazo! My power is INFINITE!” Seelkadoom yelled.

“YOUR POWER!?” Nazo yelled in disbelief. “THOSE EMERALDS WERE NEVER YOURS! THEY WERE ALWAYS…MINE! AND NOW…I WILL TAKE THEM BACK!”

At that moment, the Chaos Emeralds suddenly forced themselves out of Seelkadoom’s body, and surged towards Nazo, surrounding him and infusing the tyrant with their essence.

“WHAT!? WHAT!?! IMPOSSIBLE!” Seelkadoom screeched in disbelief, as his energy ball began growing smaller and more pathetic, while Nazo’s laser grew large enough that it made the the moon look puny.

“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRIFLE WITH A GOD! NOW DIE!” 

Those were the final words Seelkadoom heard before Nazo’s enormous beam slammed directly into Seelkadoom’s body, and this time it was simply too much to endure. Bit by bit, Seelkadoom’s body turned into ash, until at last only his head was still visible.

“Such…power…” 

And just like that, it was over. And standing in the ashes of Angel Island was one hedgehog, one who would destroy all who stood in his way.

“FEAR THE WRATH OF NAZO!”

: Hmm…well I guess that’s why Sonic RPG was cancelled. Ya know, unless they bring it back outta nowhere.

: Hey, it happened with Final Fantasy Sonic X.

: Wait, really? Fuck, I loved that shit!

: Yeah it’s a good time to be a…well, not a Sonic fan, but a Sonic fangame fan I suppose. But let’s get down to the brass tacks of why Nazo did end up winning this.

: For starters, looking at their Base forms it’s incredibly clear-cut. Base Seelkadoom should probably be comparable to Base Sonic and Shadow. Unfortunately, Sonic RPG doesn’t actually take place anywhere specifically in canon, but since Shadow does appear it likely is after SA2 but probably before games like Sonic Generations. With that said, it’s likely fair to say Seelkadoom is somewhere from City to Planet Level in Base. Which is fairly impressive.

: Nazo…fought Super Sonic. Which pretty much automatically puts him above Seelkadoom in Base since he didn’t have to fight Sonic with a Super Form. Granted, when Super Shadow entered the picture Nazo was defeated, but he did manage to harm and keep up with Super Sonic.

: But this really doesn’t matter honestly. Because most of the time this fight isn’t about Base forms, it’s about their Super Modes. And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter at all how powerful Super Sonic is because Nazo is just factually superior to Seelkadoom as of right now.

: In the final battle of Sonic RPG, Seelkadoom was stomping Super Shadow and Super Sonic, along with Base Knuckles and NiGHTS (Sonic RPG NiGHTS, not regular NiGHTS). And in the end of the episode, it’s revealed to be likely that Hyper Sonic and Hyper Sonic alone would have been the one to take down Seelkadoom.

: Compare that to Hyper Perfect Nazo, which required the power of HYPER Sonic, Shadow, Knuckles, and Super Tails to defeat. And even then, Nazo wasn’t actually killed until Sonic delivered the final blow.

: One guy can fight a Hyper form, the other can fight 3 plus a Super form. Yeah, it’s pretty clear Nazo has a sizable advantage in stats, and that’s honestly enough right there. Sure, you could argue that Seelkadoom is more intelligent and Osmose’s magic draining properties could be enough to win, but considering Seelkadoom honestly would get one-shot and blitzed by Nazo before he could do anything, it definitely feels more comfortable siding with Nazo for the assured victory over Seelkadoom’s “possibilities”.

: In the end, Seelkadoom did try his best, but his fate was Seeled as soon as he met Nazo.

: The winner is Nazo, the Perfect Lifeform.

Seelkadoom(Loser):
+More Intelligent.
+Osmose could be helpful for absorbing Seelkadoom’s power.
+More Experience.
—Outclassed in all stats, base form or otherwise, to the point that he would get one-shot before he could do anything.
-More likely to toy with his opponents, which would lead to Nazo getting the upper hand.
-His game is on permanent hiatus.

Nazo(Winner):
+++Easily outclasses Seelkadoom in all stats
+More likely to go in for the kill against Seelkadoom than the other way around
+His series is coming back
-Less Intelligence
-Osmose could be detrimental if Seelkadoom got it off
-Likely less experienced.

Super Diaper Baby vs Jack-Jack: Smackdown!

Play Music

: Hmm…

: Ah, hey man, how’s it going?

: You ever just…stare into the ceaseless rolling hills of green, eyes half closed, and imagine that your life is merely one cog in an enormous mechanism, destined to be exchanged with another, more useful gear when your time has come? Do you fear death, of any kind?

: Considering I’ve died like, twice, not particularly.

: When I thought I was gonna die, I had no fear. I had done my mission for Maria. My purpose was complete.

: True. I don’t know, gotta think about this after the episode. But hey, we got two kids who are ready to
fight to the death. You know, for kids!

: Agoogoowa. (First there’s me! Jack-Jack, adorable, non allergenic, and housebroken!)

: Me Super Diaper Baby, helper of small people using diapers!

: With the crack team of JJ, Bowser, Shadow, and some babies, it’s time to see who’d win in a brawl!

: Smackdown…

: Whatever.

City of Metroville…

Play Music

“Dispatch Unit, I’ve got a Code 2319 downtown, it’s a fire. I repeat, there’s a fire in Apartment Complex C near Metroville Park, get down there as soon as possible, over!” The voice came from the police scanner inside of a seemingly unassuming vehicle, with a lean yet muscular man at the wheel.

“Fire, huh? Better get down there.” the man spoke, as he flipped a switch on his dashboard, setting his car to autopilot as his seat reclined all the way back until it was completely flat. All around the man’s body, scanners and sensors were rapidly swapping his clothes for new garments, ones covered in a striking red color, emblazoned with the iconic lowercase i in a black void. On his face, he donned a black eye mask, a symbol of his identity as a Super. And as he returned to his original placement, hands at the ready to receive a pair of thick, black gloves, Mr. Incredible was revealed. All the while, his car had transformed from an ordinary black station wagon to a sleek, stylish, black and blue car, the Incredibile. 

And so Mr. Incredible was off, weaving through traffic with a deft touch and finesse, but before he could get too far his onboard radio rang once again, the Super rushing to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me, how’s your day of legal Super-ing going?” Mrs. Incredible asked

“Uh, fine, honey, just going to stop a fire!”

“Oh, that’s great! You think you could come home soon though? I really need help taking care of the kids.”

“Sure, sweetie. I’ll be home in about 4 hours or so. Hold down the fort ’til then, OK?”

“Alright. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

(stop music)

As Helen Parr hung up, she heard the distinctive sound of the bus horn from outside. “Alright, kids, time for school! Dash, you better hurry or you’re gonna be late!”

“Alright, mom, I got it!” Dash whined, as he put his backpack on and raced out the door.

“Come on, Violet, I know you’re there, I can’t drive you to school today!”

From under the table, a disembodied shirt came out and floated higher into the air, before the illusion vanished and a girl appeared, encompassed by the shirt. “OK, Mom. I’m gonna be with Tony this afternoon, okay?” Violet assured, as she started to follow Dash out the door.

“Alright, but you’ll call me right?”

“Yes.”

“And be home by 10:30?”

“MOM!”

“Kidding! Just have fun, OK?” Helen said, kissing her daughter on the forehead and sending her off, before turning to face the youngest of the family.

“Alright, Jack-Jack. It’s time to go for a walk, c’mon!” She crooned as she lifted the squealing child above her head and played a little upsie-daisy before placing him in the stroller, rolling it out the door. 

As the two made their way to the park, an alarm sounded as they passed the jewelry store, with a common thief exiting the crime scene and attempting to run. Before he could get far, Jack-Jack used his powerful telekinesis to lift him into the air and then throw him into the arms of the arriving police officers, the robber sighing in disappointment.

“That’s my baby! Who’s a good little crime fighter! You are! Yes, you are!” Helen exclaimed, pinching Jack-Jack’s cheeks as he cried out in delight, the two continuing on their way.

Unnamed City, Hoskins Residence

“Billy? Billy, can you come down here please!?” Mary Hoskins called up the stairs, catching the attention of a baby and his dog.

“Coming, mama!” the baby responded, putting down his toy and levitating before zooming down the stairs in a fraction of a second before stopping on a dime, the wind force nearly blowing the mother over.

“Yes?” Billy Hoskins questioned.

“I’m going to make us a big dinner tonight, but I don’t have all the things I need. So, can you go into town and buy everything on this list? And here’s some money to do that.” she explained, handing the items to Billy. Normally, entrusting a baby with shopping was extremely foolhardy, but Super Diaper Baby was no normal infant. 

“Okay, mama! C’mon doggy!” Super Diaper Baby told his partner, Diaper Dog, who nodded, before the two proceeded to fly away at lightning speeds, Mary waving to her child and pet as they left.

“So, what’s on the list, buddy?” Diaper Dog wondered, as Billy looked carefully.

“Stuff in place called Metroville. Not far.”

“Alright then, let’s go!” Diaper Dog said with confidence, as they turned into sparks on the horizon.

(start music)

Back in Metroville, Helen and Jack-Jack had finally made it to the park, where they had left the stroller next to a nearby bench and were now at a playground, partaking in the swings. Jack-Jack begged to be pushed higher, and higher he went, Mrs. Incredible straining to lift him farther each time while making sure he was OK. Not that he needed it.

“You know, sweetie…this is nice. After the whole Screenslaver fiasco, just getting to be a mom again…this is great. I wish we could just take this moment, and live in it forever.”

Suddenly, an alarm sounded nearby as a duo of police cars, as well as the Incredibile, raced by in their efforts to stop the rampaging fire a few blocks away.

“And then reality kicks me in the shin…I’m sorry, Jack-Jack, mommy’s gotta go for a little bit. You’ll be safe here.” Mrs. Incredible assured, placing Jack-Jack on the bench and giving him a little toy soldier to play with. Kissing him on the forehead, she raced off to help her husband stop the fire, leaving Jack-Jack alone and content.

High in the skies above, Super Diaper Baby and Diaper Dog had arrived in Metroville, and touched down in the park. 

“Okay, so we got most of the items on the list, but we still have one more…a toy soldier?” Diaper Dog questioned, confused.

“Says that Dada want it to be happy and re-solve childhood.” Billy read aloud.

“Well, okay, but where are we gonna find-“

“SOLDIER!” Billy screamed, looking at the toy in Jack-Jack’s hands. Barreling over at inhuman speeds, he stood in front of Jack-Jack and grasped the soldier. “Gimme.”

“Awanono!” Jack-Jack refused, pulling back.

“GIMME!” 

“NO!”

The tug of war continued for some time, until finally Super Diaper Baby had a much more permanent solution. Rearing his tiny fist back, he let it fly with such tremendous force that it sent Jack-Jack flying towards the city skyline, the soldier released from his stubby grip and now in Billy’s hand.

“That not so hard.” Billy boasted, unaware that Jack-Jack had just activated his telekinesis midflight, grabbing Billy and pulling him along at comparable speeds, until he too disappeared from Diaper Dog’s sight.

“That…can’t be good.”

Miles away, in the heart of the concrete jungle, the twin babies finally stopped hurtling through the troposphere and turned to face each other, levitating high above the ground.

Noticing that Super Diaper Baby still clutched the soldier in his palm, Jack-Jack raised his hand, as if ordering Billy to give it back.

“No. Mama need it.” 

Jack-Jack’s eyes narrowed, and began to glow.

Having a bad feeling about what was going to happen next, Billy followed suit.

The infant squabble was about to begin.

Both Super Diaper Baby and Jack-Jack launched their eye lasers simultaneously, the beams traveling at the speed of light towards the opposition, meeting in the middle and creating a series of bright flashes that were visible even from several miles away, glowing in a myriad of rainbow colors as they refracted the light in the atmosphere.

But very quickly, Super Diaper Baby’s beam began to overpower Jack-Jack’s, the orange encroaching ever closer to the source of the green.

“Me more powerful than you. Gonna win!” Super Diaper Baby exclaimed, continuing to press the assault. Trying to hold back the power of Super Diaper Baby, Jack-Jack got an idea. Concentrating heavily, he began to vibrate spastically, jittering all over the place as Super Diaper Baby watched in confusion, until Jack-Jack somehow managed to create a clone of himself, popping out of Jack-Jack’s body and adding its own laser power to Jack-Jack’s. Flabbergasted, Billy could only watch as Jack-Jack continued to replicate itself over and over again, until there were 8 Jack-Jack’s all firing their lasers towards Billy at once, and slowly the tide began to turn, for now Billy was the one being forced back.

Knowing that he was about to be overwhelmed, Billy stopped firing and flew down, out of Jack-Jack’s sight, as the lasers hit a nearby building and burned the windows to ash. Satisfied with his handiwork, Jack-Jack recalled his clones and squealed in delight, before leaning over the edge of the building to find his soldier-

KER-CRACK!

Only to be sucker-punched from below!

Super Diaper Baby’s mighty blow sent Jack-Jack careening into a nearby skyscraper, carving an enormous hole in the wall and shaking the foundations. Jack-Jack slowly sat up and rubbed his bruised head, witnessing as Billy flew towards him at incredible speed to finish what he had started.

Jack-Jack quickly set his body alight with flame, giving off an intense heat that forced even the mighty Super Diaper Baby to recoil in slight pain, before Jack-Jack rapidly blasted beams of pure fire at his foe. The first one managed to catch Billy off guard, sending him spinning through the air and clutching his burned skin, giving him barely enough time to backhand the next fire blast into a nearby crane. The ensuing explosion sent the enormous construction machine falling off the building, about to crush the people below.

Without a moment to lose, Super Diaper Baby flew underneath the crane and pushed upwards with all his might, struggling to hold up its massive weight. The crane was beginning to slow down, but the ground was still approaching at rapid speeds, thousands of screaming people crying for help from underneath Billy.

Pushing again, Billy just barely managed to stop the crane, his toes literal inches from the concrete as the people breathed collective sighs of relief. As Billy replaced the crane on the road, he was met with thunderous cheers by the adoring public. A flash erupted from a nearby camera, as a reporter made her way through the crowd to stand next to Billy.

“Mister Baby, you just saved the entirety of downtown Metroville! How did you do this despite being so small, so inexperienced? What’s your secret?” the reporter screeched, jamming her microphone in Billy’s face.

Billy took a moment, and then responded clearly “Me have good parents. Raise me to help. Use superpowers to save weak. Is my job.”

The crowd let out a collective awww, but clearly the reporter wasn’t satisfied. “No monetary gain? No parades in your honor? Not even a chewing biscuit?”

Billy shrugged. 

“Isn’t he so humble, everyone?” The reporter announced, drawing out another cheer from the crowd as Billy basked in the glory.

Not for long though, since Jack-Jack used his telekinesis to lift himself up and fly down to continue the fight, raining more fire bursts down on Billy in an effort to incapacitate him and grab the toy. However, Billy was too quick, dodging each and every one of the flame jets and pushing the civilians to safety as Jack-Jack’s rampage spread to the Central District.

Gritting his teeth and pulling up his diaper, Billy grumbled “Me know what me have to do.”

And so, pulling out a stop sign from the side of the road and twirling it like an oversized staff, Billy took to the skies and flew towards his destiny, darkness burning in his black, soulless eyes…

In the Central District, Jack-Jack was furiously tearing the place apart, searching for the one baby who had stolen his precious plaything, not willing to stop until it was his at last.

“STOP, MEANIE!”

(stop music)

Jack-Jack paused for a moment and turned to witness Super Diaper Baby, but not fast enough to avoid getting clubbed in the side of the head by his improvised melee weapon, sending the youngest Incredible smashing into a nearby bench and splintering wood everywhere.

As Super Diaper Baby flew to deliver the knockout blow, Jack-Jack suddenly disappeared into a blue portal, out of sight. Billy couldn’t see his opponent per se, but he could hear him, somehow, mocking him from another plane of reality.

“Listen! Me no want to fight. Me just want to sit back, relax, enjoy life! Pwease, stop, so we can be fwiend-“

(start music)

“AGOOGOO!” Jack-Jack let loose his battle cry, as he appeared from a portal behind Billy and delivered a powerful punch to the baby’s rear, sending the diaper-clad do-gooder collapsing to the ground. Then another portal appeared from below Billy and sent the boy rocketing skyward, right into the gaping jaws of another warp hole that slammed him back onto the ground with a sickening thud.

Rolling himself onto his back, Billy panted heavily as he struggled to put his weight onto his arms to lift himself up. “How me fight baby I can’t see?”

Then Billy realized that even though he couldn’t see Jack-Jack, his voice still echoed through his ears. “AHA!” he exclaimed, as he braced himself, listening for that telltale sign that he would be assaulted.

A giggling erupted from his left as the portal hole began to widen, Jack-Jack about to strike again…

“Gotcha.”

Billy reached to his side and grabbed Jack-Jack’s throat as tight as he could, lifting the still-choking baby above his head. With no sense of remorse, he began gently tapping Jack-Jack’s skull into the concrete road, over and over again, not trying to kill him, but rather just knock him out and end the fight right away. He was confident that Jack-Jack was weak enough for it to work.

After 50 times of doing this, though, he noticed that Jack-Jack didn’t seem to be ceasing with his constant squirming to get out of Billy’s grip. Then Billy took a closer look and realized that throughout the whole thing, Jack-Jack had covered himself in a thick metallic coating, shielding him from harm and preventing him from losing the fight. As Billy finally took notice, he let his concentration slip for just a moment, and as a result dropped Jack-Jack on his foot, sending a sharp pain up Billy’s leg.

“Ow, Ow, Ow, Owchie!” Billy squealed as he jumped about on one leg, rubbing his toes in an attempt to stop the pain, giving Jack-Jack enough time to transform back and nail Billy with a well-placed eye laser, sending the safety-pinned superhero sprawling next to a manhole cover. An entrance to the sewers.

Seizing his chance, Billy popped the cover and slipped into the murky depths, Jack-Jack following close behind in an attempt to get the toy.

(stop music)

In the sewers…

It was dark, dank, and scary, just like a mother’s womb. Jack-Jack slowly inched his way down the ladder, scanning to the left and right in an attempt to find his prey, but it was too murky black to see. Scratching his head in search of a method to see in the dark, Jack-Jack’s eyes managed to fixate themselves upon a duo of broken glass pieces, and got an ingenious idea. Picking up the glasses, he held them up to his eyes and fired his lasers. The glasses acted as prisms, magnifying the blast tenfold so that is shot out as a concentrated light beam, illuminating the entire tunnel.

Content with his handiwork, Jack-Jack set off down the tunnel, unaware that his quarry was right above his head, having floated near the entrance to the sewer since Jack-Jack had arrived, concealed from the naked eye by the darkness. Now that the coast was clear, he tailed Jack-Jack, staying with the light so he could still see.

With Jack-Jack’s cautious nature pressing him forward at a rather slow pace, tailing him was agonizingly slow for Billy. His already short attention span wore thin.

Play Music

“Me end this. NOW!” Billy whispered angrily, as he flew and punched Jack-Jack at lightspeed, sending the baby toppling into the mucky, disgusting water below.

“Eww. Bad Wadda! Vewy Vewy bad!” Billy whined, waving his hand in front of his small nose to relieve himself of the smell. But as he closed his eyes, he failed to notice the water bubbling violently, as if something massive was coming up to the surface.

The water burst forth, and an arm reached out to grab Billy, an arm that was as thick as a tree trunk and just as sturdy, holding tightly to the baby’s arm and shaking Billy Hoskins Jr. around like a ragdoll, the wee-wee warrior unable to shake himself loose as he was flung into brick walls and muck-filled pipes, splattering him with liquid and feces.

It was that moment when the beast from the depths chose to emerge, and it was Jack-Jack! The baby had somehow grown 5 times his size, and was now extremely chubby. Yet the level of danger had only grown, for Jack-Jack now decided to combine his powers to devastating effect.

By combining his combustion ability with his size alteration, he now filled the cavern with fire, threatening to ignite the nearby fuel cells with his radiance. He paid it no mind, however, instead focusing on surrounding Billy with smoke and flame, filling the boy’s nostrils and lungs with the overpowering mist, threatening to suffocate him in a matter of moments. Billy coughed without end, and raised his arm in a sign of defeat, begging Jack-Jack to stop. The Incredible’s only response was an outstretched hand, a silent message of his intentions.

Billy understood immediately. “NO!” he yelled, pulling the soldier closer to his chest. Angered, Jack-Jack used his free hand to grab Super Diaper Baby’s hand and pulled. The two became locked in a game of tug-of-war in the depths of the burning hellhole, neither willing to let go and escape the cavern.

Tapping into his inner reserves of strength, Super Diaper Baby pulled even harder, his grip tightening as he leaned further back against the wall.

Jack-Jack, feeling his hold waning, cloned himself once more and had the duplicates form a long chain behind him, each grabbing onto the shoulders of the one in front, as they all pulled at once. The immense added power allotted Jack-Jack enough strength to even out the struggle again, for the moment. For while Billy could only pull with his immense strength, Jack-Jack had full control over mind and body.

Concentrating once more, his brain went into overtime, converting non-necessary brain waves into telekinetic thought and translating it into psychic waves that came off of Jack-Jack in droves, forcefully dragging Super Diaper Baby into the air and flinging him around like a cork in the ocean, Billy helpless to stop the inexorable grasp of psychokinesis.

It seemed helpless, but then Jack-Jack slammed him into a nearby water-pipe, and Billy could hear it groaning under the strain of the fire. Feeling a renewed sense of confidence, Billy focused all his power into his hand, and with a triumphant “HIYAH!” he karate-chopped the pipe and cut an enormous slit, allowing water to gush out like a high pressure fire hose. Jack-Jack recoiled in disgust and tried to slip away, but Billy turned the makeshift hose on him, dousing the blazing baby in scummy water and turning him back into a normal chubby baby, who then regressed into a regular baby upon losing his concentration.

His task accomplished, Billy dropped the hose and strode over to face Jack-Jack, grabbing the boy by the shirt and lifting him up.

“Any last wowds?” 

“AMAMAMOTO!”

“Well, that’s not weally a wowd…”

Suddenly, Billy’s hands were burning in agony, forcing him to release Jack-Jack and cradle them, Jack-Jack’s fiercely vibrating body stopping as it had served its purpose.

Annoyed, Super Diaper Baby picked Jack-Jack up and punted the baby so hard, his opponent broke an enormous hole right in the ceiling of the sewer tunnel, disappearing into the light above. Grunting, Billy gave chase in an effort to finish the battle.

(stop music)

Metroville Bank, 12:49 PM

All was quiet in the hallowed halls of Metroville Bank. For over a year it had remained free of any sort of criminal intent, protected by the Supers now that they had been legalized. But now that all of them were off trying to stop the fire near the park, one man was about to change all of that…

From within Vault 5 a faint ticking could be heard, slow, repetitive, and fear-inducing.

3…2…

BOOM!

The vault door flew off its hinges as it was subjected to the explosion, hitting the opposite wall dead center as it slid down and came to a stop. From its original position came a man, stepping out of the dust and revealing himself to be Bomb Voyage, one of France’s most furtive and lucrative bank robbers.

“Ah, d’argent est mon finalement! Oui, oui!” Bomb Voyage boasted as he stepped out into the light and shut the door behind him, confident in his ability to escape before anyone came after him. By the time “le stupide” cops found out it was him, he would be in Switzerland, counting his newfound fortune. Nothing could go wrong for him.

That is, until the ground opened up in front of the finagling Frenchmen, and a baby popped out of it and into his lap, forcing him to drop his ill-gotten booty.

“Que? Quel est cet enfant sur mes mains?” Voyage asked in confusion, holding the smelly infant in front of him and wondering where he could kick it, until he caught a glimpse of the baby’s costume and the distinctive letter i.

“M…Monsieur Incroyable?” 

At that moment, Super Diaper Baby emerged from the sewer, covered in filth, yet no worse for wear, landing on the ground and adopting a martial arts stance akin to one he had seen in a TV commercial.

“Et Incredi-homme?! Zut Alors!…Oh…” Bomb Voyage said weakly as he fainted, the insanity finally getting to him as he collapsed in a heap, almost wanting the cops to show up and cart him back to prison yet again.

“Awe you done?” Billy reproached.

But Jack-Jack didn’t answer, as he was jerking violently.

“Uh…awe you okay fwiend?” 

Jack-Jack’s skin was turning a shade of mauve, his fingernails grew into long sharp claws, and his body became much thicker and ripply with muscles. Then he stood up straight…well, as much as he could with his hunched back, and turned in an instant to face Billy. He was no longer human, but rather a pink, muscled, beastly monster, ready to exact his terrible vengeance and destroy Super Diaper Baby for good.

“Uh oh.”

Jack-Jack’s monster clone army launched themselves at Billy all at once, their claws outstretched to sink into his sensitive flesh. Panicking, Billy managed to use his impressive speed to dodge all but one of the clones, which successfully clung to SDB’s back while the boy was distracted. Raising his palm to the skies, he began scratching Billy’s exposed skin with claw swipe after claw swipe, leaving deep gashes that soon began to leak with blood, covering Billy’s back and stomach.

The bloodstained baby howled in pain, jerking violently in the sky in an effort to shake his aggressor off. But no matter how hard he tried, Jack-Jack still clung on thanks to his claws, hanging thousands of feet above the ground. Steeling his nerves, Jack-Jack opened his mouth wide before biting down HARD on Billy’s neck, his teeth sinking into bone marrow. Angered, Billy got a firm hold on Jack-Jack with his crimson fingers, lifting him up by the head, and throwing him into the ground at unthinkable velocities, Jack-Jack’s body making a sickening CRUNCH.

A lust for revenge burning in his pupils, Billy rapidly punched Jack-Jack in the stomach as the monster tried to get up, forcing Jack-Jack to cough up more blood as he resumed his fetal position. Billy raised his fists and threw punch after punch at Jack-Jack’s midsection, not stopping until he heard the distinctive CRACK of bones breaking, ribs shattering, blood vessels bursting.

A sound that never truly came.

Billy kept punching, and his fingers kept meeting resistance in the form of a rubbery shell encapsulating Jack-Jack’s entire being, a shell that prevented harm and stopped Billy’s chances to escape and recuperate, as he was stuck to his adversary.

Seeing his opportunity, Jack-Jack disappeared into another dimension, taking Billy along with him as they surged through the purple wormhole into another reality, where the sky was black with red clouds and thunderbolts, and there was no bottom, only a pit of madness.

As Billy tried to grasp his surroundings, Jack-Jack disappeared into the aether, shrouding himself in a newly formed layer of mist. Staying on his guard, Billy looked around cautiously, searching for his toothless target with a calculated anger.

A laser shot him in the back out of nowhere, surprising Billy. He looked to where he assumed it came from, unaware that the laser had not dissipated. It homed in on him again, slicing through his back like a bolt of searing plasma and leaving the defenseless baby stunned while the laser continued to slice away, even chopping off Billy’s ear at one point, oozing crimson liquid in a snakelike trail around him.

As Billy sat reeling and nauseous from the blood loss, the laser traveled high into the air, telepathically controlled by Jack-Jack. Under his commands, the laser’s shape slowly morphed into something sharper and more deadly, like a spear of light raining down from the heavens. And with one mighty, thunderous “AWANO!” the spear came down, ready to end things once and for all.

“Hmph.”

“Yoo wave alweady wost.”

Jack-Jack was confused, but his question was answered soon enough. To his horror, Billy managed to reach his arm towards the sky, catching the laser in midair!

With a shout of fury, Billy threw the laser spear at where he knew Jack-Jack was hiding in cowardice. This time there was no guessing. He could feel it in his gut.

And his faith was rewarded, as Jack-Jack cried out in pain as the laser went through his shoulder and stuck. He could not pull it out, for he was already too weak. And the screech gave Billy enough time to hit Jack-Jack right in the face, with an impact force so great that Jack-Jack flew into the void wall and shattered it, destroying the illusion and bringing the duo back to Metroville Bank, Bomb Voyage still collapsed in a heap on the side of the road.

Super Diaper Baby had definitely seen better days. His skin was gone in about five different places, he still had scorch marks seared permanently onto his back, and he was limping, barely able to hold himself up. But as bad as Billy looked…

Jack-Jack looked even worse.

For every scar Billy sported, Jack-Jack multiplied it by ten. His shoulder was almost beyond repair, and what remained of Jack-Jack’s cranium was burned away, revealing the sensitive skull bone underneath. He couldn’t even stand. All he could do was stare weakly as Billy crept closer and closer, at an agonizingly slow speed.

Desperate to stop his advance, Jack-Jack blasted lasers, heat blasts, gravity blasts, he even tried throwing chunks of stone. Billy simply backhanded through all of it. He was a baby on a mission, determined to see this battle through to the end. It was his soldier, and his right to keep it. And no one would deny him that right without consequences.

Out of options to use, Jack-Jack decided on one final tactic. He strained to get to his feet, leaning on his hands heavily. Locking eyes with Billy, he let out a weak roar of challenge as he burst forward, intending to slam into Billy and knock him out.

Unfortunately, Jack-Jack’s legs and body had sustained too much damage from the fight, and the most he could manage was a slow jog. Even in Billy’s weakened state, he was still fast enough to sidestep the blow, grabbing Jack-Jack by the neck. Jack-Jack was helpless as Billy began to deliver the death blow with an upraised palm.

At that moment, Diaper Dog appeared from behind the building, bearing witness to Billy and Jack-Jack fighting. 

“Billy, no!” he ordered.

(stop music)

It was too late. Billy had already karate-chopped Jack-Jack’s neck, knocking the boy out. Very gently, he laid Jack-Jack to rest near a tree, making sure he was somewhat comfortable, before taking to the air and joining Diaper Dog.

“B-Billy…did you…?”

“No. Only knocked out. Safe.”

“Oh, thank god. You got the toy soldier for Mom, right?”

“Yep!” Billy replied, holding it out for Diaper Dog to see. It was a little battered and worn from the fight, but otherwise mostly intact. Thankfully.

“Well, I guess we better get out of here before things get nasty…” Diaper Dog said, starting to fly away.

“Wait…gotta do somefing.” Billy solemnly demanded, before raising his eyes to the sky and firing orange beams. Getting the message, Diaper Dog copied him, quad jets of orange lighting up the sky as a signal for Jack-Jack’s parents to come get him.

“Well, whoever they were, hope they saw that.”

“Yeah.” Billy whispered, as he and Diaper Dog took off. But Billy couldn’t shake the feeling that this would come back and haunt him…

 

Play Music

: I knew that boy would be too weak to go through with it.

: Too weak? Or maybe…strong enough not to.

: He probably coulda done it. One quick throat slash and bam. Donzo.

: Yeah, but there’s supposed to be this whole dichotomy of “will he, won’t he, can he, can’t h-?”

: And then there’s the lasers, those could have done nice work.

: Maybe choking him on one of those oh so lovely diapers he cares so much about.

: Or maybe-

: QUIET!

: OK.

: Mmm…ahem. Now to discuss why Super Diaper Baby ended up taking this. It’s actually…really simple when you get down to it. Basically a curbstomp.

: Starting with strength, Jack-Jack is capable of fighting raccoons and busting through walls when he’s big. Super Diaper Baby? Casual pusher of planet Earth alongside Diaper Dog.

Like, he takes skipping leg day to a whole new level. You can bust out your powerscaling levels and such, but you probably can tell right away that pushing Earth over 20,000 miles, even with help, is probably at least a little superior to busting a wall. And for those arguing Billy didn’t do his fair share, he and Diaper Dog are at the same level of power since they got their powers from Captain Underpants himself, in the exact same way.

: Even if you wish to argue that this is far above Super Diaper Baby’s normal showings and thus shouldn’t be considered, Super Diaper Baby’s other strength feats, such as picking up Rip Van Tinkle and Deputy Doo-Doo, as well as picking up and violently shaking the building size Robo-Ant, are also superior to Jack-Jack busting through walls. And in terms of durability, Diaper Baby survived being crushed by a building, and was able to take the reactionary force back into his body when he was pushing the planet. Jack-Jack’s durability feats are practically nonexistent, let alone by comparison.

: As for speed(my specialty), it…doesn’t really get much better. In fact, it arguably gets worse. Going over Jack-Jack, he is able to react to Dash, which should give Jack-Jack Subsonic speeds via Dash running on water and going fast enough to be invisible on a 30 FPS Camera(Outpaced a security camera which captures at 30 frames/second), but he should also be able to dodge his own laser beams, considering Kari, a completely normal human, was able to react to them.

Jack-Jack’s lasers, as shown in the Jack-Jack attack short, are capable of not only being reflected, but burning things as well, meaning they are legitimate lasers. So dodging these would put Jack-Jack at impressive Relativistic-Relativistic+ speeds, which would be impressive…

: If Super Diaper Baby wasn’t fucking FASTER THAN LIGHT! At the end of Super Diaper Baby: Invasion of the Potty Snatchers, Billy and Diaper Dog fly to Uranus and back before anyone realizes they’re gone.

At bare minimum, assuming they were gone for 10 minutes, this would put the pair at speeds of 30.42 times the speed of light. It could potentially be higher with smaller timeframes like 5 minutes, which would boost it to almost 61 times the speed of light, but even at that base value, Super Diaper Baby would still be over 30x faster than Jack-Jack! And unlike Billy’s planet pushing, it’s impossible to argue this as an outlier since Captain Underpants(you know, the guy Billy got his powers from), did pretty much the same thing when he flew to Uranus and back in 15 minutes.

: A control of the stat trinity that firm is already enough to win the match by itself, but going into tertiary categories, Billy is also far more intelligent, and experienced. Billy has beaten up numerous crooks, robbers, and petty thieves in his time as a hero, and saved the city from giant monsters at least twice. By contrast, Jack-Jack’s only feats are beating up a Super with less physicality than Billy, ripping hypno goggles off of Mrs. Incredible, and helping his family beat Syndrome. And as for intelligence, Billy could walk, talk, and read in the span of a few months after his birth. Jack-Jack can’t even speak, and has overall less control of his powers than Billy.

: But speaking of powers, that is probably the only definitive advantage that Jack-Jack possesses. Jack-Jack’s array of abilities far outclasses Billy’s…lasers and flight. Jack-Jack’s fire manipulation, electricity powers, gravity abilities, cloning, shapeshifting, strength buffs, and more would definitely be enough to keep Billy on his toes…for a moment. Because while these powers are impressive, they don’t exactly even out the stat gap in a meaningful way. Like, sure, Jack-Jack can shoot fire! Does it matter considering Billy can dodge it with ease? Not really. Cloning? He still can’t hit Billy. Levitation? Billy flies much faster.

: However, there are four powers Jack-Jack has that would be at least somewhat useful, those being telekinesis, dimension hopping, phasing, and the ability to turn his body into rubber to stave off damage. But I’ll try to explain why none of these are really game changers.

The telekinesis would certainly help to hold Billy in place so Jack-Jack could land some strong hits, but not only does Billy blitz Jack-Jack before he even thinks of doing that, but if one considers his Large Planet level durability as legitimate and not an outlier, literally none of Jack-Jack’s attacks can even scratch Billy. So that’s out. The rubber ability suffers from the same problem. Yes, Jack-Jack can stave off the damage, but it’s really just delaying the inevitable considering he still can’t touch Billy at all, and Billy could just one-shot anyway considering the limits of Jack-Jack’s durability in this form are nowhere near the level of strength that Billy needed to help push the Earth.

: As for the phasing and dimension hopping, one could make an argument that maybe Jack-Jack could phase through Billy and potentially destroy him from the inside. First of all, it’s very unlikely Jack-Jack can even do this considering it’s never been really shown, and even if he could, not only is this not in character in any way, but Billy can still get out of the way with time to grab a bottle of milk and read a children’s book. Plus, Billy’s organs should definitely be near the same level as Billy himself, so Jack-Jack still couldn’t hurt said organs considering Billy’s astronomical strength. Which really just leaves the dimension hopping, which Jack-Jack could use in one of two ways: either trapping Billy in another dimension, or trapping himself in another dimension for a stalemate. This is probably Jack-Jack’s best chance of not dying, and even then it’s extremely unlikely to work considering we don’t know if Jack-Jack can stay in this other dimension permanently, and even if he could, again, he still dies before he even considers the possibility due to his significantly inferior statline. However, if he does trap Billy in the other dimension, it is a win since Super Diaper Baby has no way of getting out.

: So with that said, let’s pull up the ole chart!

Yeah…paints a clear picture.

: Overall, Jack-Jack is definitely a strong foe considering his age, respect where it’s due, but when he’s put up against a baby that can do such crazy feats as Billy, he just can’t compare. Billy is too strong, too fast, too tough, too intelligent, and too experienced for Jack-Jack to even hope to match. I’d say he’s almost even a match for me!

: Billy was the true ba-beast on the battlefield today, that’s for sure!

: The winner is Super Diaper Baby, the diaper-clad destructor.

Super Diaper Baby(Winner):

++With or without the planet pushing feat, Billy is still stronger. The planet feat is just overkill
++Over 30 times faster than Jack-Jack
++Way tougher than Jack-Jack even without the planet feat
+More intelligent
+More experienced
-Costume not as good as Jack-Jack’s super suit
–Way less versatile

Jack-Jack(Loser):

++Leagues more versatile in terms of abilities
+Super Suit is better than Billy’s costume
-Less intelligent
-Less experienced
–Can’t really hurt Billy at all considering Billy’s vastly superior durability
–Jack-Jack’s strength is absolutely pathetic compared to Billy’s
–Super Diaper Baby could run a thousand laps in the time it takes Jack-Jack to get halfway around

Epilogue…

Play Music

The fire had been absolutely devastating, managing to take out an entire city block by the time it was quenched, but in the end it was no match for the combined power of the supers. Satisfied at themselves for a job well done, Mr. and Mrs. Incredible stretched themselves out to relax their aching muscles. Helen was just about to turn around and grab Jack-Jack, when all of a sudden a light to the east caught her eye. A shower of orange sparks, glowing as bright as fire, was in the sky, a beacon against the setting sun and rising darkness. And yet as soon as it had appeared, it vanished.

“What was that?” Mr. Incredible wondered.

“Dunno…but we should go check it out.” Mrs. Incredible replied, using her stretchy arms to swing off of lampposts and other materials to disappear from sight in an instant.

“Why can’t I do that? No, I’m just that guy who hits things really hard. Thanks, universe.” Mr. Incredible grumbled, as he took off after his wife.

They weaved their way through the busy streets, jumping over cars, limboing under tree-branches, until they made their way to the source of the beacon: Metroville Bank. Once there, they scanned around, trying to find where the culprit of the signal was. Aside from Bomb Voyage, who they called the police for immediately, and some shattered debris, there was no signs of anyone. They were about to turn around and head home, when Mr. Incredible happened to glance at the nearby shady tree and saw-

“JACK-JACK!”

“What? But I left him by the park, how could he be-“

“You LEFT him there!?”

“He has powers, I thought he could take care of himself-“

“He’s still a baby!” Mr. Incredible ranted, hurrying to pick Jack-Jack up off the ground.

“Oh, like you’ve never done ANYTHING irresponsible in your life!”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that! Just help me get him back home!”

Jack-Jack was badly injured, but thankfully still alive. “Forget home, we need to take him to the hospital.”

“I just hope he’ll be okay.”

“He will…”

Meanwhile, back at Super Diaper Baby’s house, Mrs. Hoskins was worried sick. “Oh…they should have been back by now. What’s taking those two so long?”

“Honey, it’s okay.” Bill Hoskins reassured. “Billy takes after me, he’s a tough kid. He’ll be fine.”

“Right.”

Her husband’s words did nothing to appease her, as she continued to pace aimlessly around the room. She was considering calling the police, when all of a sudden she heard a small knock at the door.

Overjoyed, she rushed to the door and threw it open. Her look of joy, however, was soon replaced with horror as she stared at her beyond mutilated child.

“My baby!” she yelled, as she scooped Billy in her arms and cradled him fiercely, mortified at all of his wounds. “What happened?!”

“Got into fight.”

“Oh…I knew that all this superhero work would turn out bad eventually…you need to stay home from now on!”

“But Momma-“

“I mean it, mister!”

“I got the soldier!”

“What? Oh…oh, yes, right…good.”

“Soldier?” Bill Hoskins questioned.

“Yes, sweetie.” Mary Hoskins replied, presenting the toy to her husband at last, his jaw almost hitting the floor. “I know you always wanted one, so we got one for you. Happy Birthday.”

“Aww…come here, all of you!”

Super Diaper Baby, Diaper Dog, and Mr. and Mrs. Hoskins came together in a big family group hug, before adjourning to the dinner table for some well earned food. But then…

SQUELCH!

“Billy…”

“Oops…me poop.”

After a few seconds, everyone burst out in joyous laughter, and even Billy felt the need to laugh at his own embarrassment, as their laughter filled the neighborhood with the kind of joy that hadn’t been seen for months, the kind that makes everyone happy.

The End.

Sonic the Hedgehog vs Blue-Eyes White Dragon: Smackdown!

: So…this is happening now. Didn’t think it would come quite so soon, but…we’re finally doing it. We’re finally gonna kill Sonic, right?

: Keep dreamin’, Shadman! Or would you prefer Shadbase?

: Actually I’d prefer to stick my fist up your limp co-

: Whoa, man! That’s NO good!

: He’s right, Shadow. Learn to respect furry anuses and di-

: Hold on! Can’t we at least attempt to maintain a family-friendly facade here?

: I think we abandoned that when we had babies fight.

: True, but make an effort! …More on topic, it’s time we took these two true blue juggernauts and make ’em fight for supremacy! You guys ready?

: Yeah, alright!

: Hehehe…yep.

: Meh. Long as we end this before I gotta pick up Junior from Amateur Demolitions Camp.

: This whole event is a mockery of the KaibaCorp name and a waste of my time. The sooner it ends, the better.

: Then it’s time…for a SMACKDOWN!

Domino City, 8:55 PM…

Domino City, normally one of the sprawling hubs of Japan during the day, had now quieted down to an extraordinary degree. The people had begun turning in for the night, almost as if they could feel in their bones that something wasn’t right. The skies had turned the deepest shade of midnight black, and not even the moon shone through the thick clouds.

The only building still lit up was the city’s crown jewel, the monument to the ego of the Kaiba family, KaibaCorp. Once a center for developing weapons of battle, that purpose had been retired to make way for the creation of games. More specifically, the ultimate card game, played all over Japan, and the world. Upon being placed in the hands of genius game designer Seto Kaiba, the company had taken the archaic Duel Monsters and transformed it into a technological marvel. Nowadays, the citizens of Domino couldn’t walk two feet without seeing a duel played with holographic technology, bringing forth real monsters with real powers.

And tonight, Seto Kaiba was taking it to the maximum level.

“More power!” Seto Kaiba roared to his technicians, who nodded dutifully as they cranked the levers and dials upward on their consoles, sending more sparks of electricity into the testing room.

“Excellent.” Kaiba responded, his expression completely impassive as he stared at the culmination of about 3 months worth of work. “‘Pharaoh, I may not have been able to defeat you while you were bonded to Yugi, but upon completing this, we will be able to have our rematch. And I WILL win. Then, the scars of my defeats will be imprinted onto you. You will finally know what I have suffered for so long…'”

The door behind Kaiba suddenly slid open, the CEO’s ears perking up as he turned to face his brother.

Mokuba Kaiba was rather short for his age, and yet it belied a greater truth. He was slowly changing, being molded into a future president of KaibaCorp. Once Seto was gone, he was happy the company would be left in good hands.

“What is it, Mokuba? I’m a bit busy right now.”

“I know, Seto, but don’t you think that what you’re doing is a bit dangerous? I mean, you don’t even know what this machine will do when you finish it! Shouldn’t we make sure that it’s safe?” Mokuba urged.

“Safe? Mokuba, the pharaoh would never have played it safe, and neither will I, if I am to be his superior!”

“The pharaoh is gone, Seto. You need to let it go, and focus on running the company!”

“I will. Once I have finally moved on…Roland, status update!”

A man in a black suit and sunglasses stepped forward, handed Kaiba an electronic clipboard. “I’m sorry, sir, but the card is not achieving the desired results.”

“This is unacceptable! I require these cards to achieve greater levels of realism if I am to use them to unlock the doorway to the past! I WILL finish this! Crank the power to maximum!”

“But…but sir! We don’t know what will happen! The computer may overloa-“

“I’m paying you to do what I say, and what I say is to crank up the power! Now do it before I have you all thrown out on the streets!”

The researchers looked at each other with sad finality, as they pushed the settings to their highest possible level, creating the strongest electrical storm yet, one that spread across Domino City and even into the clouds above.

And yet when the smoke cleared, the card was unchanged, still showing the same translucent Blue-Eyes White Dragon it had been projecting for the past 4 hours.

“Well then, I suppose we have to-” Kaiba started, but was unable to complete his thought before the lights went out. And so, there they were, standing in inky black darkness and pondering how to resolve it.

But as soon as they had begun to adjust to the darkness, a brilliant blue light shone from within the testing room, emanating from the Blue-Eyes card.

“What’s happening!?” Mokuba cried out, struggling to hold on to a nearby chair as the area started shaking.

His question was swiftly answered as from within the card itself emerged the Blue-Eyes White Dragon itself, but it was different. The design was certainly the same, but it looked much less fuzzy, and seemed more visible than it had before the lights went out.

Kaiba began to have some suspicions, and they were quickly confirmed when the dragon opened its mouth and blasted an enormous White Lightning shot, destroying the back wall completely and allowing the winged beast to flee out into the Domino skyline.

“Did…did it just-?” Roland started, only to be cut off by Kaiba.

“Come alive…yes. This could be the answer I’ve been seeking!” Kaiba yelled, pointing his finger to the door. “To the chopper! Follow that dragon!” 

The researchers immediately bowed before clambering out the door as fast as humanly possible, ascending to the roof to reach the swath of helicopters available to the Kaiba family at any time.

“Seto, you’re not going to do anything crazy again, are you?”

“Of course not, Mokuba. This’ll just be a simple research experiment, I promise.” Kaiba replied, and that seemed to satisfy Mokuba as he raced to join the others.

“At least, for now…”

Meanwhile, outside the city…

The waters outside Domino, at the moment, were rather calm and serene. There was the occasional enormous wave that battered the trees and threatened to make them buckle under the intense pressure, but otherwise the beaches were pristine.

That is, until a blue streak sped by, creating pillars of water that ran parallel to each other, along with a smooth line of extremely hot glass that used to be coarse sand.

As the blur moved through the trees, every single one in its way was quickly uprooted and tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage, the creatures living within cursing under their breath at the unknown assailant.

Finally, as it crested the nearby hill overlooking Domino, the flash of blue light made a hard stop, skidding across the ground and leaving a dirt trail before it finally stopped on the edge of a steep incline. 

The figure was simply dressed in white gloves and red trainers. His emerald eyes glistened with excitement as he gazed at all the possible new adventures he could undertake, his blue quills ruffling in the wind. He rubbed his cream-colored stomach in hunger as he spoke into his communicator.

“Hey Knuckles, can I eat now? I’m starving and there’s a real nice chili dog stand somewhere down in the city, ya know?”

“Look, Sonic, I know it’s been rough, but this mission really needs to be finished ASAP. The future of the planet could be at stake!”

“Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Remind me what it is again?”

“Last night Blaze and Tangle were scoping this place out, and they picked up an incredible energy surge at the tower in the city’s center. And more importantly, the presence of robot AI.” Knuckles explained.

“So, you think Eggy’s holed up in here, making his robots to sic them on Japan? Sounds bad.”

“It is. If Eggman takes control here, there’s nothing stopping him from taking Chun-nan, and then the rest of the world. So you gotta stop him here and now, okay?”

“Got it.”

“Good luck, Sonic. Over and out.”

Sonic hung up and crossed his arms. “Man, can’t Eggman ever take a break or something? It’s kinda getting annoying just stopping his plans every week. I got a life too!”

“And I’m talking to myself. Great.”

Sonic revved up his legs until they formed a figure 8, before zooming off down the hill and into the city, heading for KaibaCorp tower. He was about halfway there when…

“RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRGGHHH!”

A blast of white light came hurtling towards Sonic at incredible speeds, leaving the spiky haired rodent just barely enough time to dodge before it created a brand new crater in the road where a car used to be.

Flipping backwards through the air, Sonic gracefully landed on his feet and looked up to see his attacker. 

There, in the skies above, was the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, leering at the hedgehog with a look that could melt steel.

“Hey, buddy. I don’t think you’re acquainted with the rules of the road. Rule 1, don’t cross a solid yellow line. Rule 2, always make a complete stop at stop signs. And 3, DON’T BLAST LASERS AT CARS!” Sonic yelled, the Blue-Eyes cocking its head in confusion briefly, before glaring once more and threatening to fire another blast.

“Look. I don’t wanna fight, OK? You don’t…seem like one of Baldy’s robots, so I got no beef with you. Run along or I’ll get testy, OK?”

In response, Blue-Eyes let loose another White Lightning, which Sonic just managed to limbo under as it decimated a chunk of a nearby building, causing it to collapse and send shattered brick debris in all directions.

Sonic turned to face his enemy in defiance. “OK, so it looks like peace isn’t an option. Time to rely on the whole ‘asking questions later’ mantra. But just know, big guy…you asked for this!”

Blue Eyes roared into the sky, signifying its acceptance of Sonic’s challenge. The lightning traveling through the clouds caused them to burst, unleashing a storm of water, cutting into Sonic’s fur like a knife, staining his eyes with false tears.

“Alright. You wanted it this way…

Now bring it!”

Sonic didn’t move, taking the time to size up his enormous enemy.

“‘Okay, so it’s big. It’s got giant claws. It’s wings are bigger than Shadow’s ego. And it shoots laser beams. Seems pretty normal so far…Eggy’s been crackin’ under the pressure, I guess. No big deal, just gotta finish this off and find him!'” Sonic mentally strategized, before turning to face the beast.

“HEY!” Sonic yelled at the airborne reptile, attracting its attention as it swiveled its head and narrowed its eyes.

“Yeah, I’m talking to YOU! Did someone hear order a clobberin’!?”

Blue-Eyes cocked its head in confusion.

“Huh, that’s funny. Says here…” Sonic began, pretending to glance at a piece of paper, “that someone ordered an extra large clobbering topped with everything!”

Blue-Eyes flapped its wings and glowered, clearly not amused.

“Oh…you didn’t order it? Well, I can’t take this thing back, so I’ll just give ya an extra-large clobbering for nothing! Hope you’re hungry.” Sonic finished taunting, dropping into a battle stance and shifting his hands into a karate pose.

Fed up with the hedgehog’s taunts, Blue-Eyes roared and unleashed a devastating stream of white light that Sonic managed to sidestep around, leaving a burning sedan in his wake as he waggled his finger at the enormous dragon.

“Now that’s not very nice! Now someone can’t get to work tomorrow!” Sonic teased, clucking his tongue as he lay on his back and yawned, clearly not taking his opponent very seriously. Needless to say, if the Blue-Eyes was in a cartoon, there would be enough steam coming from its ears to fill a sauna for a year.

Determined to kill Sonic once and for all, the Blue-Eyes continued to shoot out streams of destruction, as Sonic parkoured his way across cars, street lamps, even running up the sides of buildings as Blue-Eyes destroyed them piece by piece, until Sonic managed to perform a mighty leap that vaulted him to the top of a nearby card shop. Stopping to take a quick breather, Sonic was unable to avoid Blue-Eyes’s next shot, which nailed him right in the back!

Sonic was sent flying, unable to prevent himself from crashing into a nearby billboard and sending it toppling to the ground, crushing a swath of trees below it. As Sonic struggled to get to his feet, he managed to catch a glimpse of the sign:

“Huh…sounds familiar. Maybe I gotta visit it sometime.” Sonic muttered. “‘Maybe Tails can show me where it is?'”

While Sonic mused on thoughts for vacation after Eggman had been stopped, Blue-Eyes had enough time to fly across the city at mach speeds, its gargantuan wings rhythmically flapping along with the sounds of lightning, crashing against the trees outside the city.

Spreading his wings, Blue-Eyes readied itself and prepared to fire…

…only to be kicked in the face by a red trainer, sending the mighty dragon careening to the ground, laying spread-eagled and seemingly defeated.

“Heh. What, did ya think I wasn’t gonna stop your attack? Get real! This is a fight, not a dance…although I can do both. I just don’t think you’ll really appreciate it. Unless dragons secretly enjoy breakdancing? That would be really helpful to know, if ya catch my drift.” Sonic whispered to the seemingly unconscious beast, when all of a sudden he could feel a cold, scaly set of claws wrapped around his throat.

Struggling to break free, Sonic was lifted forcefully into the air by the suddenly re-energized dragon, as it tightened its grip and began wringing the poor hedgehog’s neck back and forth. As Blue-Eyes stopped its forceful treatment of Mobius’s savior, Sonic gasped for air, his lungs crying out for mercy as the last drops of air within them were slowly squeezed out.

With his last ounce of strength, Sonic recoiled his foot, and without warning kicked the Blue-Eyes right in the snout. It didn’t seem to do any real damage, but it did distract the monster long enough for Sonic to escape, backflipping ad nauseam until the two were standing about fifty feet apart, Sonic giving himself a little pat down to remove the dust from his luxurious spines.

“Alright, I’ll admit. I wasn’t exactly expectin’ that one. I know you’re strong now…but are you fast enough!?” Sonic yelled over the rain, which had begun to turn the skies a midnight black color as the drops poured. When he got no answer, Sonic simply folded his arms and tapped his foot impatiently on the sodden ground.

“Okay, I see you’re not really gonna go along with this whole ‘playful banter’ thing. Fair enough, lots of robots don’t really do that. Not even Metal Sonic, and he’s supposed to be better than me at everything! Like, seriously Eggman, step up your game and maybe you’ll avoid future BBBEs. That’s ‘Best Boss Beating Ever’, in case you were wondering.” Sonic explained.

Growing tired of his opponent’s impertinence, Blue-Eyes slapped Sonic with its tail without warning, flinging Sonic into a nearby birch tree and cracking it at the base, felling the enormous plant as it hit the ground with a thunderous CRASH.

Sonic could feel the splintered wood lodged firmly in his back, but he had no time to deal with it as he saw the next White Lightning out of the corner of his eye. Reaching into the unknown, Sonic pulled out a small yellow gem and clenched it tightly in his fist, concentrating deeply as he channeled its power.

The beam was just about to hit Sonic, as the Blue-Eyes watched in anticipation, when all of a sudden the beam did a complete 180 and slammed right into the dragon’s face!

Blue-Eyes staggered, dropping to one knee as it touched a claw tenderly to its face, feeling the scales that had been scorched. Incredulous, Blue-Eyes tried again, firing another shot at where he presumed Sonic was standing, only to have it once again backfire right into his face, leaving the previously unburned left half of its face matching the right.

Finally, Sonic stepped out from behind the tree line, revealing that he had equipped his Electric Shield.

Shaking off its confusion, Blue-Eyes attempted to shoot, but with its eyes now burned, it couldn’t see Sonic with its blurry, distorted vision, so it simply began firing in every direction, destroying all the trees and even vaporizing a nearby lake.

Sonic took great care to avoid all of the rampant blasts of energy as he slowly closed the gap, the dragon not even aware of Sonic’s location as it kept blasting. When Sonic was within arm’s length of the dragon’s torso, he quickly curled up into a ball, revved up, and then launched at high speed right through Blue-Eyes’s stomach!

It may have been virtual, but that didn’t stop the beast from bleeding blue liquid, coating the soaked grass in a layer of aquamarine. Trying to cling to life, Blue-Eyes limped forward, claws outstretched in an attempt to grab Sonic as he prepared for battle. But just before they touched his face, the life drained from Blue-Eyes at last, as it slumped forward and breathed no more, beginning to disappear into a shower of blue sparks. Soon, all that was left was a card.

“Huh…okay, gonna take a guess and say that ole’ Baldy Mcnosehair didn’t really make that one. Cards aren’t his style. But at least the city is safe. Now…where’s that chili dog stand?” Sonic questioned, turning back towards the city.

Little did he know that the battle was far from over…

Chili Dog Stand, Domino Avenue…

“Uh, hi. So listen, I know that there was this big fight with a dragon earlier and it kinda wrecked a big chunk of this place. I’m also aware it’s pouring rain out here. But…mind if I have a chili-“

“Just take it!” The frightened chili dog stand owner insisted, pushing the greasy food into Sonic’s arm.

“Hey, thanks. Just lemme get some gold rings out-“

“It’s on the house!”

“Are you sur-“

“YES!”

“Oooookay.” Sonic finished, as he took a large bite, his mouth streaming with chili. “People here definitely know how to treat a hero, at least.” he muttered, as he began trying to find shelter from the storm. Just then, however…

KATHOOM!!!

An enormous explosion shook the ground under Sonic’s feet, threatening to collapse the street altogether. Sonic attempted to keep his balance as he stared around in confusion, still clutching the chili dog close to his mouth and taking frequent nibbles to steady his nerves.

He had just cast his eyes onto KaibaCorp headquarters in the distance, when without warning another blast of white-hot energy squarely hit the small of Sonic’s back. The hedgehog couldn’t even feel pain before he crumpled to the floor like a paper bag, felled by the power of the reborn Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon.

“RRRAAARRRRGGHHHH!” Ultimate Dragon roared to the heavens above, as it wreaked its ultimate revenge. Every step it took caused the very Earth itself to rumble, the dragon’s incredible might bending the elements to its will.

As Sonic supported himself on his arm and stared in fear at the dragon stomping towards him, he realized that he wasn’t going to win this battle unless he got serious. 

“Then let’s go!” Sonic yelled, pulling out his Blue Star II and hopping on.

The Air boosters hummed with power as Sonic performed  a series of twists, flips, and other tricks in an attempt to show off to his adversary.

Growing bored of the rodent’s games, Ultimate Dragon prepared to fire off a Neutron Blast to wipe Sonic, and about half the country of Japan, off the map.

 

“Welp, that’s my time to go!” Sonic said, as he fired the boosters on his rocket, allowing him to just pass underneath the blast before it torched about half the city behind him. 

“Wow, that’s some serious firepower! Looks like thi has learned something after all!” Sonic complimented, as he circled around Ultimate Dragon at ludicrous speeds, the dragon’s three heads completely unable to keep up with Sonic’s Extreme Gear. 

“Yeah, that’s right, follow me! Follow me and blast away like the brain-dead killing machine you are!” Sonic taunted as he finished circling and took off down the street in a flash.

As Ultimate Dragon shook itself to stop its dizziness, it saw Sonic’s tailpipe disappear over the nearby crest. And so the beast started to follow…

…only to fall flat on its face.

Confused, the Ultimate Dragon struggled to free itself, only to see that by spinning itself around so much, it had tied its legs together, and now it was stuck. The heads, too, were incapable of freeing themselves without banging into each other repeatedly.

Sonic, meanwhile, was still riding away at the speed of sound, trying to stay ahead of the dragon he assumed was right on his tail. Curious, he glanced back and realized that…he was alone.

Disappointed, Sonic made a U-turn and rode back to where he had last seen the dragon, only to find that it was missing, with only a crater left as evidence of its existence. 

“What in Chaos-” Sonic began, only to get sniped in the back once more by the returning Ultimate Dragon. As Sonic flipped through the air, about to crash into another building, he got an idea. Reaching into the void, he pulled out a bracelet that Tails had been working on in his lab, and slipped it onto his wrist. Channeling the energy of the stars, the Ark of the Cosmos activated and allowed Sonic to land smoothly on the building’s surface, before zooming forward and shattering the windows with the power of gravity.

With surprising deftness, Sonic weaved in between the rapid fire Neutron Blasts coming from Ultimate Dragon, as each one cleaved a piece of the building away and made it more closely resemble a block of Swiss cheese. As the edge came closer, Sonic readied himself and then jumped, performing tricks to maintain air in his board as he landed on a neighboring rooftop, Blue-Eyes continuing to shoot at him.

Having enough gravity power stored away, Sonic activated it once more and began hovering in the air. From the streets below, massive chunks of rubble from the conflict began rising to Sonic’s level, until at last they formed a perfect ring around his body. Lifting his arms, he fired three sets of 5 stone chunks at Ultimate Dragon, one after the other. It was able to avoid the first two with some well-timed wing flaps, but the last ones slammed right into it’s wings and torso, leaving behind visible scratches and welts on the dragon’s skin.

“Wow, Tails really did a good job on this test Ark! Works like a charm.” Sonic monologued, as the Ultimate Dragon came back for more.

“Aw, yeah, this is happenin’!” Sonic whooped, as he took to the skies once more with his Extreme Gear, constantly dodging laser blasts by the skin of his teeth and taking any opportunity to fire potshots at the oncoming dragon. Every so often the dragon slapped its wings together, creating a compressed blast of air that threatened to shred Sonic’s bones to dust, but Sonic’s Extreme Gear was simply too fast to hit, and the numerous pieces of rubble were beginning to take their toll on the mighty Ultimate Dragon.

It was flying slower, more unevenly, and it was covered in wounds. It attempted to hit Sonic with a strong Neutron Blast, but every shot fired simply dissipated as quickly as it was formed. The enormous strain of remaining airborne finally proved too much, and Blue-Eyes ceased its flight to lie on the ground, helpless to stop Sonic from coming up to him slowly on his board, before dismounting to stand over his opponent.

“Alright, Eggman, or whoever you are, you should know that stuff like this isn’t enough to take down the Sonic Heroes! So learn to respect that, or at least try a little harder.” Sonic taunted, as he knelt down to stare Ultimate Dragon right in the face.

“And this…” Sonic continued, raising his fist, “is for Whisper.”

In a last ditch effort, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon fired its last Neutron Blast right in Sonic’s face, sending the hedgehog reeling backwards, clutching his once pristine features and screaming in pain. When he finally revealed his face again, half of it was permanently scarred. For the first time in the entire battle, Sonic felt truly angered, as he once again met the Ultimate Dragon face to face, before quietly taking hold of its neck and giving it a firm twist, snapping the bones and sinew and killing it instantly. Much like it’s younger brethren, the dragon simply vanished into blue sparks, leaving a card behind.

Anger still blazing in his eyes, Sonic didn’t intend on falling for the same trick twice. He simply waited, watching as the sparks dissipated in the storm, all evidence of the battle being washed away by the floods. The water was up to Sonic’s ankles, but he hardly noticed, too focused on the prospect of finishing the battle for good and saving the people from these monsters.

Just as he predicted, the sparks returned and began reforging themselves into the shape of another dragon, except this time it only had one head. Yet the overall form seemed sleeker than the bulky Blue-Eyes White Dragon, it’s curves sharper and more angular, more futuristic. Then the sparks disappeared with a pop, and what remained was the scourge of Anubis, the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon.

“Alright…so you wanna keep coming back for more? That’s fine. But every time you do, you threaten my friends. You threaten my home. And you threaten our way of life. You represent everything disgusting and deceitful about Eggman. So I can’t let you continue breathing.” Sonic growled, as his fur began to turn dark with rage, his eyes losing their emerald-green pupils.

Even Shining Dragon had to step back, anxious, as Sonic changed into a new form. “I see the only way to defeat a raging monster…IS TO BECOME ONE!”

An explosion from within Sonic himself erupted outward with incredible force, blowing the Shining Dragon off its feet and smashing it onto its back, bearing witness to the arrival of a god, corrupted by hatred and rage and fear. 

Dark Sonic had come.

“Alright. Let’s finish this!” Sonic bellowed. The Blue-Eyes, though it could not speak, rose to its feet and roared, seemingly echoing Sonic’s own battle cry. As a flash of lightning struck the earth between them, starting a fire on the grass, the two rivals charged.

Before Shining Dragon could even make a move, Dark Sonic had already begun to deliver a brutal series of punches and kicks, as the great beast’s head was violently rocked back and forth by the incredible power Sonic had attained. Sonic concluded his brutal beatdown with an uppercut that sent Shining Dragon careening into a nearby building, hitting it with enough force to bring the entire structure down and crush the street below.

Play Music

Normally Sonic would have been satisfied, sitting back to wait for the enemy to counter so he could make some snarky quip and dodge the attack, but now he continued to attack, kicking and blasting his foe over and over again, not letting up for even a second. Every time the dragon attempted to flee, Sonic grabbed its tail, swung it around, and tossed it into another building. Soon the entire city block was nothing but chunks of battle debris strewn all over the once pristine roadways. The dragon itself lay spread-eagled across the highway, crying. Its tears mixed with its shimmering blood to splatter the ground with what seemed to be chunks of stardust.

Sonic stared in silence, waiting to make sure the dragon was truly down for the count this time, it’s spirit truly broken. Seconds turned into a minute, and still nothing. Satisfied with his handiwork, Sonic chuckled darkly at the beast’s misfortune, dropping his guard for just a moment. And so he was unprepared when the dragon sliced away at Sonic’s skin, leaving an enormous scratch that began oozing blood. Surprised, Sonic didn’t try to defend himself from more wing slashes cutting deep gouges into his skin. Then, without warning, the dragon slapped Sonic with its tail in a fraction of a second, yet with enough force to make the hedgehog cough up blood.

Wishing to end things immediately, Shining Dragon flew high into the air, going faster and faster as it passed the exosphere, until at last it flew at the very edge of space. Then, it turned and began flying back to the surface, increasing speed exponentially as it reached terminal velocity. At that point, it also began charging up its Shining Nova power, glowing as bright as an exploding star as it approached Ground Zero.

From beneath a pile of bricks, Sonic stirred. Lifting the refuse off of him, he slowly rose to his feet and began limping to the middle of the street, attempting to find the Shining Dragon. Yet in all directions, there was nothing to be found…except for a loud ringing in his ears.

Confused, Sonic looked up, and covering his entire vision was the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, its enormous wings seemingly shrouding all of heaven.

Sonic considered running for a second. He was probably fast enough to escape the ensuing crashdown. But then he realized what he was saying, and he scolded himself. Running was the coward’s way out. It was what the old Sonic would have done. But he had changed. And now he would prove it.

And so he stood his ground and leered at his foolish opponent. Cracking his knuckles and baring his teeth, Sonic roared into the heavens “BRING IT ON, YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS TRASH! COME DOWN HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR WINGS AND STUFF THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT AND CHOKE THE LIFE FROM YOUR VERY SOUL! YOU. WILL. DIEEEE-!”

The nuclear payload hit the ground with such tremendous force, it created tsunamis on the coast, earthquakes of Magnitude 10, and a blast powerful enough to wipe out what was left of the city, minus KaibaCorp. All that remained was a flat, ashen landscape, with KaibaCorp standing as the sole outlier.

A massive, 50-foot deep crater had been formed by the dragon’s collision with the scorched earth, one that Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon flew out of quickly, it’s massive wings darkening the moon and turning it a shade of blue-chrome. And at the very bottom was Sonic, lying with his limbs in awkward positions, his dark powers overtaxed, and his bones crushed. All the blackness drained from his fur, and his eyes regained their spark of life.

But even still, Sonic was powerless to stop the Blue-Eyes from sticking its head into the hole and charging up yet another laser blast, one that Sonic was sure would kill him in an instant if it connected. The savior of Mobotropolis racked his brains in an attempt to find something, anything, that he could use to escape. And then he realized…he was surrounded by soft dirt.

“Duh.” Sonic said to himself, embarrassed, as he began channeling Chaos energy into his body from within the planet’s core. The life energy did its work, embedding itself into Sonic’s bones and marrow and slowly healing them, removing the scars and repairing his broken skeleton. It was working, but too slowly. The Shining Dragon was about to attack…

“Guess that’ll have to do.” Sonic concluded, cutting off his healing. Then, in a split-second, he burrowed through the nearby dirt and disappeared from sight. Luckily, he just barely missed the following beam shot, which was so strong that it tore a hole all the way to the core of the planet and struck the lava swimming within, reacting with it as it combusted and began to bubble out.

Sonic didn’t really know or care at that moment, though. He was just happy to be alive, as he finished healing his wounds. When he was finished, he glanced around, noticing that he was under immense quantities of dirt. He tried to dig back out, but the force of gravity was against him, and the bedrock was too tough to break. He tried over and over, digging in all directions, but it was no use.

“Goddamit! I save myself from being burnt to a crisp by that overgown lizard, and now I get to die in a hole?!” Sonic ranted, before his eyes glazed over, and he quietly took a seat.

“Well…I guess if that’s true…I had a good run. And it’s a good place to go. Just me, the dirt, and that Wisp Capsule.” Sonic mused, looking around once more with a content expression. It took him about 3 seconds before his eyes opened wide.

“A Wisp!” Sonic exclaimed, rushing to examine it. “Please be yellow, please be yellow, please be yellow…” Sonic pleaded, before opening his eyes to see the universe was shining on him once again. “WAHOO!” Sonic cheered, as he boosted through the capsule and absorbed the Drill Wisp into his body. Without hesitation, he activated it, turning into a massive drill that began spinning towards the surface.

Far aboveground, the Shining Dragon was celebrating its apparent victory, until it heard a faint rumbling sound from below its feet. Intrigued, the beast looked toward the ground, its eyes almost touching the dirt, and it could hear the rumbling growing ever louder. Somewhat nervous, the dragon began spreading its wings…

…right as Sonic came up from underground and drilled right into Shining Dragon’s Eye!

Roaring with pain, the beast flailed all over the place, clutching its eye with its sharp wings and accidentally doing even more damage. Soon, both of its eyes welled with think masses of aqua-tone blood, and its lasers were fired haphazardly, destroying the clouds high above the hedgehog’s head.

Knowing the beast was far too dangerous even in its weakened state, Sonic ran at top speed to close the gap between the two, dodging blast after blast and even kicking through a couple of them with his sheer willpower. When he was close enough, he started charging up yet another spindash, only this time he also infused it with the power of the Insta-Shield. When he released the power, it not only broke through the dragon’s neck, it cleaved the beast in two like a hot knife through butter, as the decapitated corpse that was once Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon collapsed beneath Sonic’s feet.

Thinking that he could be safe for a moment, Sonic breathed a sigh of relief, only to be immediately cut short by a strange voice coming from within the dragon itself!

“Attention, strange furry rodent! This is the Domino City Police Squadron, and we are ordering you to stand down!”

“Well, see…that’s already strike numero uno. Calling me a rat, and all. I’m a HEDGEHOG. Not hard to get right. Second, Sonic cannot be tied down by the rules of society! He’s a free spirit, coming and going as he pleases!” Sonic boasted.

From within the Domino Police Station, the dispatch officer looked puzzled, as he turned to face the other comms team members. “Hey, you think it’s weird he’s addressing himself in the third person like that?” he questioned, as everyone else nodded their head.

“You have caused immeasurable damage to the city! Stand down or you will be considered a threat!”

“Look, I didn’t wanna start a fight. The stupid dragon just happened to have a bone to pick with my spine.”

“WHAT!?”

Startled, everyone turned towards the door to see Seto Kaiba barging in, slamming the door behind him, absolutely livid.

“How…DARE…you insult my Blue-Eyes White Dragons, you snake!”

“Uh, again, HEDGEHOG. Although I have fought a snake. He was also part-robot. And his name was Lyric. Kind of dumb, yeah, but clearly the game was rushed and all that so they couldn’t develop him.” Sonic explained, rambling a bit.

Lost as to what the hedgehog was talking about, Kaiba’s eyes narrowed. Very slowly, he put his finger on the intercom button, as the room turned quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Then, with an air of formality to his voice, Kaiba commanded “By order of KaibaCorp, stand down and come in for questioning!”

“Oh, sorry. But there’s one thing you should know, and it’s that…

Kaiba was absolutely livid. The workers in the room tried to hold in their laughter, but eventually the dispatch officer slipped up and let out a small chuckle. Mortified, he tried to cover it up, but Kaiba’s ears were as sharp as a tack. He whirled on the horrified officer and slapped him across the face, sending the man crashing into the wall.

“Get him out of my sight! And get me the KaibaCorp militia on the ground! We need to stop this immediately!” Kaiba ordered.

“Y-yes, SIR!” the others saluted, getting to work on contacting KaibaCorp’s task force.

Elsewhere, the voice from within the dragon ceased, and it disappeared once more into the telltale blue sparkles. The revival this time, however, was much swifter, as the particles didn’t even have time to vanish before they once more reforged themselves, this time becoming the vengeful product of Kaiba’s seething rage against the pharaoh, the bringer of chaos and apocalypse, the Blue-Eyes Chaos MAX Dragon.

Sonic wasn’t even fazed this time, as he simply groaned and shrugged his shoulders. “You know, the first couple times that might have been kinda surprising. Now it’s just getting old! I thought maybe I could finish this without having to use this, but…I guess I really gotta seal the deal. Just know that you wanted this, K?”

Sonic bent on one knee and began feeling for more Chaos energy throughout the planet. Specifically, in 7 places, the 7 Gaia Temples spread across all the continents. 

“‘Chaos Emeralds! I need your help! C’mon and give me a hand!'” Sonic mentally urged. And as quick as lightning, the Emeralds burst out of the Gaia temples and began converging in the skies above Domino City, rearranging themselves into a circle before slowly descending, lighting the horizon with their multicolored radiance.

Slowly, the Emeralds encircled Sonic, beginning to spin faster and faster, until at one point they ceased being individual and were just a single, rapidly spinning rainbow ring of destruction. With a final shout of “HAH!”, the Emeralds were absorbed into Sonic’s body and lit up the dark arena with pure light, a blinding one that even the mighty MAX Dragon had to recoil at.

Upon stepping out of the light, Sonic had drastically changed. He was now glowing golden, his spines were sticking up, his eyes gleamed a burning crimson red, and he emanated power-no, he defined power. The energy of Chaos swirled within him, fueled by Sonic’s desire for a challenge. Sonic had now become Super Sonic.

“That’s more like it!” Sonic exclaimed, flexing his muscles and tapping his foot on the ground, leaving little ash-prints with each step. After he had become reacquainted, he turned with careful deliberation to face his adversary, who was still flapping its wings in preparation. Except now its wings were so massive that every beat sent a piece of wreckage skyward.

“You know what.” Sonic continued, looking at the destroyed city, “maybe they were right. We should finish this…” before he pointed to the clouds, “up there, where no one can get hurt.”

The dragon paused for a moment, seemingly hesitant and anxious, but eventually dipped its massive head and began flapping harder, traveling increasingly higher in the sky with every wingbeat. Cracking a smile, Sonic rocketed upward at a much faster pace, so that he reached the exosphere a full minute before MAX Dragon, who looked clearly a little annoyed at being shown up.

Little did both of them know that there was also something else in space with them: a hidden camera, directly linked to a KaibaCorp satellite on the opposite side of the planet that was broadcasting to Japan as they spoke.

“Don’t lose that transmission!” Kaiba demanded, the workers cowering with fear as they nodded. “This battle could be useful for my new augmented reality dueling system…if that hedgehog just plays into my hands…”

Back in space, Sonic chuckled. “So, are ya ready, big boy?”

Chaos MAX Dragon growled.

“Good…then let’s FINISH THIS!”

Sonic began by blitzing the slow dragon, attacking it at least a thousand times a second, before kicking it in the back HARD. Blue-Eyes didn’t even have time to process Sonic’s speed before he was violently jolted back and forth before being pushed by a strong force into a nearby satellite, denting it in the process. Shaking it off quickly, Chaos MAX Dragon launched a thousand laser bursts from its wings, all targeting Sonic.

Thinking fast, Sonic yelled “CHAOS CONTROL!” and disappeared. Stunned, MAX Dragon failed to notice Sonic reappearing behind it, and by the time it felt a warm breath on its neck, Sonic was already delivering yet another series of combos to the dragon’s face, every punch making the great beast feel more and more woozy. Sonic concluded with an axe kick straight to the dragon’s stomach, pushing it upward and leaving itself vulnerable. Taking his chance, Sonic grabbed the tail and spun it around so fast that he became a golden tornado, before throwing the massive behemoth at the moon.

Chaos MAX Dragon may not have been able to stop his forward momentum, but he did manage to get off a single burst of shots on Sonic before he collided with the planetoid. Sonic, too distracted by witnessing his handiwork, was unable to get off his Chaos Control before being sniped by all 1000 lasers at once, staggering him and pushing him back several light years. Sonic was dazed, but not really hurt, minus a single drop of blood.

Seeing his chance to counterattack, MAX Dragon dislodged itself from the moon, leaving an enormous crater behind as it charged towards Sonic as fast as it could. Deciding to meet the dragon head on, Sonic let loose his Super Sonic Boost and dashed forward at speeds beyond even light, ready to give the dragon the royal beating it so richly deserved. But just before Sonic extended his fist…

WHAM!!

Chaos MAX Dragon faked him out and unleashed a wing smash onto Sonic’s head, creating an audible THUMP as Sonic was caught between them. When they were retracted, Sonic was too woozy to stop MAX Dragon from tail-swiping Sonic once more, sending the golden hedgehog so far that he smashed into Mercury, and then recoiled upon feeling how hot it was.

“Ooh, Hot, Hot, HOT! I need that to stay un-crispy!” Sonic whined as he rubbed his behind. But the sharp pain did help clear Sonic’s mind, and he got an idea. He turned around and grabbed hold of the planet tightly, ignoring the burning pain present in his palms, and began to release the full power of Chaos Control.

“HRRRAAAAGGGHHH!” Sonic shouted, as he enveloped the entire planet with green energy. When the entire surface was shrouded in the power of Chaos, Sonic placed his hand on the side, and gave Mercury a casual flick.

Except that flick translated into the equivalent of 50 million megaton bomb colliding with the planet’s surface, causing the enormous planet to rocket away like it was strapped to nitro boosters, shattering Venus into chunks along the way.

“Here’s a package for you! No charge on delivery!” Sonic yelled, even though no one could hear him scream.

The Chaos MAX Dragon was too busy roaring and showing off to the people below that it failed to notice the 300 quintillion ton boulder flying his way and slamming into him, all in the blink of an eye. 

Mercury flew past Earth, destroyed Mars, and wiped out half the asteroids in the belt without slowing down. On the other side, Chaos MAX Dragon attempted to slow down the massive hurtling asteroid, continuously punching it with its wings. The odor of hot gas wafted behind, so the dragon chanced a quick peek to see they were hurtling towards Jupiter. Desperate to not be destroyed by the cosmic storms, it punched even faster, ORAORA style, and ultimately stopped the impromptu projectile mere inches before the Dragon touched the Great Red Spot.

If the dragon could express emotions beyond rage, it would have breathed a deserved, yet short-lived sigh of relief, cut off by a whining noise. Before the thought of the source could process itself, Super Sonic body slammed right into the dragon, drilling a massive hole through the planet and splitting it into two halves. 

“ALRIGHT! TIME TO ROCK AND ROLL!” 

Stunned, the dragon drifted out into space, leaving Sonic enough time to grab both halves of the planet with one hand each, and then use his immense strength to literally smash the two halves of Mercury together, catching Chaos MAX Dragon in the middle and reducing it to little more than a blue jelly stain on the rocks.

Sonic pulled the two halves apart once more and marveled at his handiwork. “Get it? ROCK and Roll? Cuz…it’s a huge rock…wait, you’re dead, what am I doing?!”

Worn out from the battle, Sonic used Chaos Control to hold his half of the planet in place, allowing him to stick Mercury back together and then quickly push it back to where it had originate from. Along the way he also tried to put Mars and Venus together again, but it proved significantly harder. The scars remain to this very day.

When the solar system had been straightened out, Sonic took a minute to rest on a nearby moon, walking around it to get his legs warmed up for the long flight back. In the meantime, he thought about his friends back on Earth, and whether they would be worried. Sonic’s communicator was gone, lost in the battle somewhere. Not a huge loss, but it had some sentimental value.

“Welp, time to head back I guess.” Sonic muttered, standing up and blasting off towards Earth. But before he could make it back to Domino City…

“Yeah, yeah, let’s get it over with.” Sonic sighed, turning to face the sun. From within its depths, a blazing light emerged, and with it came the arrival of light, hope, destruction, and creation, spreadings its wings and taking flight, pas the stars and across the galaxies. The Deep-Eyes White Dragon had finally deigned to appear, letting loose the mightiest roar of all, one that shook the very heavens themselves.

“Oh, wow…you’re a bigger boy than last time. But hey, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!” Sonic taunted, his golden aura flaring to life once again. Confident the bout would end the same way it did last time, Sonic attempted to strike Deep-Eyes at blinding speed once again…

…only to have his attack be caught by Deep-Eyes!

“H-huh!?” Sonic protested, as his arm was being crushed by Deep-Eyes. He tried to pull it free, but the dragon’s iron grip was far too strong, and getting tighter all the time. Finally, Deep-Eyes pulled Sonic in close and lowered its massive head so that his snout was level with Sonic’s face, so the hedgehog could get a full dose of hot, steamy breath into his nose.

“Ooo-wee! That is nasty! Two words: breath mint.” Sonic joked, fanning his face in an attempt to rid himself of the smell, but clearly Deep-Eyes wasn’t in the mood for comedy, as it pulled its wing back and slammed it into Sonic’s gut all in one move. Immense pain surged through the hedgehog’s body, and he was forced to double over in pain, wheezing to get the air back in his lungs. While he was distracted, Deep-Eyes tail-slapped the ‘hog, bit down hard on his neck and tossed him around like a ragdoll, and picked up the nearby Ganymede moon to smash it in Sonic’s face full force, before finally unleashing a powerful laser attack that completely eclipsed Sonic’s body and went on to destroy a star far away, the miniature supernova just barely visible.

As the attack subsided, Sonic was barely conscious. He was still Super, but only just. He couldn’t even raise a finger to defend himself, for his wounds ran too deep. Satisfied, Deep-Eyes readied itself to deliver the coup de grace.

Sonic stared with wide eyes, but then conceded. His face adopted a look of resignation, as he prepared for the end. But as Deep-Eyes prepared to wipe Sonic off the map, Sonic hid the smallest of grins beneath an impassive disposition.

He closed his eyes, concentrating heavily, channeling even more Chaos Energy than he ever had before to make a miracle from years before happen again. The Chaos Emeralds left Sonic’s body, returning him to normal. But as he focused, energy from the cosmos surrounded him, penetrating the Emeralds and making them twinkle like diamonds. Slowly, they grew larger, until they were about the size of basketballs, and once again they circled Sonic and formed a rainbow disc before being absorbed.

Another shining light emanated from Sonic, but this time it was more of a pure white than a gold, and it was far more potent, shining throughout the galaxy and dwarfing even the brilliance of Deep-Eyes White Dragon. When the light faded at last, Sonic had changed yet again. His quills still stood up, but now his body was off-white, rapidly changing between a multitude of colors. He took a step, and several afterimages were left behind, a hallmark of his unrivaled speed. By tapping into power beyond Chaos, Sonic had become Hyper Sonic.

This time, there were no sardonic quips to be had. Sonic simply gestured with his hand using a c’mon signal, before shifting into a Tae-Kwon-Do pose, keeping light on his toes. Deep-Eyes accepted the challenge, flapping its wings and preparing to strike.

One way or another, the conflict would be settled here.

Deep-Eyes charged at the arrogant hedgehog, ready to kill him once and for all. Sonic simply stood there, watching, waiting. 

As Deep-Eyes launched a claw strike at the unmoving rodent, ready to choke the life out of him, Sonic vanished. Surprised, the dragon’s attack missed the mark completely, and it struck only empty space. Without warning, it was struck from behind with immeasurable force, propelling it forward so that it struck the asteroids that made up Saturn’s ring, each individual rock striking it in the face and drawing large quantities of blood.

Annoyed, Deep-Eyes grabbed the next meteor and crushed it with its claws, scattering rock chunks everywhere. Angered at first, the feeling of the rock crumbling its grasp gave Deep-Eyes an idea. 

It gathered all the nearby uncrushed asteroids and reduced them to pebbles, before flying behind them and unleashing its strongest wind blast yet. The air pressure sent all the rocks flying back towards earth like a hailstorm of stones, ready to smash right into Sonic’s face.

The hedgehog, still waiting for the fight to continue, just barely dodged the first pebble before it zoomed off to be burned by the sun. 

“Ookayyy…” Sonic said, confused. But as he turned around, his questions were immediately answered by the rest of the stones catching up and threatening to engulf Sonic in a tide of earthen destruction.

Sonic simply chuckled. “Hmph. Finally, a real challenge!” he taunted, as he faced the coming rockslide head on. As each rock approached, Sonic used his incredible speed to slip between the gaps, no matter how tight, flipping and limboing and handstanding through it all. When Sonic spotted an enormous cluster of rocks with no room to dodge at the very end, he tapped into Chaos’s power once more and yelled “CHAOS CONTROL!”, stopping time and allowing the godlike rodent to simply toss the rock to the side.

Deep-Eyes was unsure of whether or not the attack had succeeded, so it bided its time in the skies above Saturn, torching a few boulder structures along the way. It was just about to make its fourth pass around Thalos III when Sonic gave the dragon a hard punch to the face out of nowhere, sending it crashing into a Stonehenge like monument and destroying it.

Picking itself out of the wreckage, Deep-Eyes launched into the stratosphere and began a fierce tussle with Hyper Sonic. Claw struck hand, wing beat against spine, as the two went at it with their strongest blows. Every time Sonic landed a hit and dented the nose of Deep-Eyes, it retaliated with a scratch that left a scar across Sonic’s eye.

The squabble continued for a bit, until finally they dispersed after giving each other one last smack across the face. Deep-Eyes looked terrible, and Sonic fared only slightly better due to the protection given by the Super Emeralds. Both were breathing heavily, on the verge of collapse, and realized the next move would most likely determine the outcome of the conflict.

Deep-Eyes, using all of it’s remaining reserves of strength, began powering up one final laser burst, the Deep-Eyes Cannon, to fire and wipe out not just Sonic, but the whole planet in its destructive rage. Sonic absorbed more cosmic energy to build up his power to the point where he could unleash his most devastating technique. Soon, he was ready.

“Now I just gotta hope this works…”

After some moments of palpable silence, Deep-Eyes finally fixated its head on Sonic, before opening wide and releasing its ultimate attack. The mere firing of the laser brought about a light that blotted out all stars, and yet Sonic was not focused on it. His eyes were squarely on the dragon’s stomach, it’s weakest point.

Closer…closer…

“NOW! HYPERRRRR…FLAAAAAASH!” Sonic yelled, as he dashed forward at immeasurable speeds, every second punctuated by the sound of a sonic boom or distorted ripples in reality, every flash Sonic gave off slicing nearby asteroids to ribbons.

Sonic slammed into the laser and began a power struggle, trying to push through and failing as Deep-Eyes shot another laser from its ring to increase the beam’s power. As Sonic was forced back, he could feel some of the molecules of his skin being vaporized by the beam’s intense heat.

Yet still, Sonic did not yield. He kept boosting as fast as he could, going past his limits and achieving a speed beyond infinity.

“HYPER BURST FLASH!” Sonic screamed at the top of his lungs, boosting faster and drawing more strength from within, until finally he burst through the laser blast! But he didn’t stop there. He kept boosting right into Deep-Eyes’ chest and cut through it like spear, before grabbing its tail and continuing to boost faster and faster, crossing millions of miles in milliseconds, until they reached the sun.

“Annnnd…” Sonic began, preparing to throw, “so long!”

With that, Sonic tossed the dragon hard, propelling it into the burning star, witnessing as the beast slowly began burning to a crisp in the heat. And then, to seal the deal, Sonic took aim and materialized an energy ball.

“Sayonara…Deep-Eyes White Dragon.”

The ball was fired and pierced the core of the burning gas giant. Seconds later, it erupted into a full-blown supernova, one that spread across the solar system and incinerated every planet in its wake. Sonic himself only survived because of his Super Form’s protection.

But it was worth it to see the Deep-Eyes permanently destroyed. Nothing remained of it, not even the trademark blue sparks. And as Sonic anticipated the arrival of another Blue Eyes form, it never came. Sonic had destroyed the clan at long last.

“Wow…that was tight!” Sonic murmured, before focusing yet again. With a wave of his hand, Sonic used the power of Chaos and the Emeralds to repair the damage done, restoring the sun to its rightful glory and ridding the planets of ash and crimson fires. Everything seemed as it should be…except without Deep-Eyes.

For a moment, Sonic looked wistful at the realization that he had slaughtered 5 dragons. A tear almost slid down his cheek. But eventually he stopped and looked back at where the battle had begun, a little green mass in a sea of endless turquoise, and he longed to return.

“Huh…hope Tails saved an extra chili dog for me.” Sonic wished, as he zoomed back to Domino City. It was time to find out who was behind all of this.

Play Music

: Welp, looks like the dragons are finally extinct. At least, in THIS dimension…

: Aw, what!? That’s fuckin’ bullshit, I demand a do-over! This was supposed to be fixed so I’d win the bet!

: Shadow, I’m touched. Not many rivals go out of their way to actively kill each other in the way you do! I’m flattered.

: Damn faker…

: Welp, time to pay up, short stack!

: Yeah, okay, here’s the damned 500 rings I promised you-CHAOS SMOKE BOMB!

: Oh, OH, that is NASTY! What’s in that smoke bomb anyway? And where the hell did he go, he still owes me the dough! Why am I rhyming, this is really bad timing! Jeez, I did it again, the madness will stop when?

: As we reach the end, my short-tempered friend. Anyway, this fight was definitely an interesting one, and the result isn’t as clear-cut as it would seem initially. But in the end, Sonic had enough going for him to put him on top, so might as well dissect this piece by piece, starting with the essential stat trinity.

: The Blue-Eyes are certainly strong, being able to scale to Zorc using telekinesis to cause a solar eclipse. This feat has been calculated to be around 5.6 Yottatons, or Large Planet Level. Pretty impressive, and Blue-Eyes’ later forms after Ultimate Dragon should be stronger than that. The problem is, we don’t know HOW much stronger. The Blue-Eyes don’t get stronger in any sort of linear progression, so how much stronger each Blue-Eyes is than the last is impossible to truly determine. So we’ll lowball this and say Deep-Eyes White Dragon, the strongest Blue-Eyes Form, is around this level of power.

: Sonic’s power…kinda runs the gambit really. The only sure thing about Sonic is that his base form is unequivocally weaker than even the original Blue-Eyes, which sits at Planet Level+. There is some decent arguments to be made for Multi-Continent to Planet level Base Sonic, such as defeating the core of a planet swallowing black hole, defeating Ultimate Emerl powered by all 7 Chaos Emeralds(who Gerald Robotnik stated could destroy the planet), or damaging Semi-Perfect Dark Gaia’s eyes(Dark Gaia was one stage away from destroying the world through physical force and thus his durability should be roughly the same as AP). It should be noted, however, that Sonic only damaged Master Core with Gravity Dives, only accessible with the Ark of the Cosmos. However, the actual gravity dive is really just a gravity powered Sonic Boost, and the game happened 10 years ago, so it is possible that Sonic has gotten strong enough to the point where he can match the power he attained with one Ark using his standard Sonic Boost. So, according to one of the rules we established earlier, we’ll give Sonic the benefit of the doubt and say he’s Multi-Continent to Planet level. Even with this, however, Sonic still cannot scratch Blue-Eyes.

: Then explain how he wins! Immediately!

: Well, that’s why I’m called the fastest thing alive and not the strongest.

: Indeed, Sonic was definitely faster than the Blue-Eyes. The fastest speed feat Blue-Eyes has ever exhibited was when the original flew 250 miles into space in about 30 seconds, which is about Mach 39. There is another instance of Deep-Eyes White Dragon flying from the sun to Earth in about 10 seconds, but this is unusable due to being a simulation(There are three Earths in this sequence). So, Mach 39. Pretty fast, right? Maybe, but not compared to Sonic.

: Even at his lowest values for speed, Sonic is still Mach 71,000 via scaling to the Eggmobile flying to the moon. Last I checked, 71000 is about 1820 times faster than 39, and it just gets even crazier from there. Sonic can also scale to Shadow, who is able to control his movements while traveling on a circuit described as “lightspeed” not once, but twice, which puts Sonic’s speed at Relativistic+ to Speed of Light. This is also consistent with Sonic Colors DS, where Omega commented on how Sonic would soon pass lightspeed if he kept going. Even lowballing Sonic to only 50% the speed of light, Sonic would still be over 11,213 times faster than Blue-Eyes! Hot damn, Sonic is not getting hit by that thing any time soon, especially considering Blue-Eyes has NO AoE attacks to circumvent this issue.

: Buuuut…I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the point of Sonic being faster if he dies in one hit from these dragons and can’t hurt them?” And you know, fair point. Sonic doesn’t really have anything to insta-kill the Blue-Eyes, not even Chaos Control considering they can survive in space just fine. However, this is where Sonic’s forms come in and win the match for him.

: Most of Sonic’s transformations, like Darkspine and Excalibur Sonic, are one time deals that realistically shouldn’t be considered, but if they were included, both have feats that are Star Level via defeating Alf Layla Wa Layla and the Dark Queen, who either created/warped space that included a star. So both of them can one shot all of the Blue-Eyes. But the big one here is Super Sonic, who is rather inconsistent. He does have a consistent amount of feats that put him in the Universal tier, which is absolutely overkill, but for the sake of argument we’ll use the more consistent Large Planet level gotten when Sonic defeated Perfect Dark Gaia, who was destroying the planet. And with that, both Sonic and the Blue-Eyes seem relatively even. But then we get to speed and…hoo boy. If you thought Sonic was faster before, then get a load of this. 

: In the finale of Sonic Advance 3, Sonic flies from Earth to the Nonaggression Zone, which is an unidentified rainbow colored patch of space known as a nebula, or a cluster of stars. It takes Sonic roughly six seconds to get here, which yielded two different results. The first, and lower one, was assuming Sonic flew to the Hyades cluster. However, since Eggman blew it up in Sonic Battle, the second one assumed it was the second closest cluster, Coma. Ultimately, these got 804 million c and 147 billion c respectively. To put that into perspective, 804 million c is over 1.8*10^13 times faster than Blue-Eyes! Yeah…it’s pretty clear that Super Sonic, even at his bare minimum, easily blitzes all of the Blue-Eyes White Dragons and kills them before they even have a chance to react. And Super Sonic can stay in his Super Form for a pretty long time, so there’s no chance the Blue-Eyes can simply outlast Super Sonic.

: I’d just like to drop in to point out how I’m the coolest, K? Bye.

: Oh, Koopa Crap!

: Koopa Cra-?

: Don’t judge me! Mmhmm…of course, none of this would matter if Sonic couldn’t even reach his Super form to begin with, but considering Sonic can easily outrun the Blue-Eyes and dodge all of their attacks, I think it’s safe to say Sonic can reach his Super form, where he proceeds to sweep up the rest of the dragons.

: Ultimately, the Blue-Eyes White Dragons put up a hard fight, but Sonic was just too fast. He’s got other advantages too, like intelligence and experience and whatnot, but you could probably see that for yourself.

: Looks like these guys are gonna be…seeing blue for a while. Hehe.

: Or black and blue.

: Hahaha, pretty good Shadow!…yeah…don’t hurt me.

: The winner is Sonic, the fastest thing alive(not really)

Winner: Sonic the Hedgehog
++Way faster, even in base form
++Super Sonic’s best(albeit debatable) feats of power eclipse about 99% of Yu-Gi-Oh!, let alone Blue-Eyes.
+Overall more experienced
+More intelligent, even if by just a bit
+More versatile with his items, upgrades, and abilities with the Chaos Emeralds
+More fighting skill
=Transformation amount
= Power(If you don’t accept Super Sonic’s higher end showings)
-Overpowered in base form
-Doesn’t have as much of a killer instinct

 

Loser: Blue-Eyes White Dragon Clan
+More of a killer instinct
+Stronger than Base Sonic overall
=Amount of forms
= Power(discounting the higher end showings of Super Sonic)
-More predictable overall
-Generally take orders from a master, and aren’t very organized on their own
-Less versatile
-Less experienced
-Less intelligent
–Get blitzed no matter what, meaning there is little chance of them hitting Sonic to begin with. And they don’t have any AoE to circumvent this
–Super Sonic’s more debatable higher end feats shit all over Blue-Eyes, no questions asked.

 

Note: After this fight, new evidence came out showing Sonic can scale to the full power of the Eclipse Cannon, which can pierce stars. This feat came out to about 3.736 ninatons of TNT, well above anything the Blue Eyes can put out. As such, Sonic doesn’t even need his Super Form to win here.

Epilogue…

Play Music

As Sonic touched down on the planet’s surface, the Super Emeralds left his body and disappeared back to their original resting places, leaving Sonic with fully repaired wounds as a parting gift. Dipping his head in acknowledgement and deference to Chaos, he started towards KaibaCorp tower at top speed.

Seconds later, the door to Kaiba’s control room busted open, and Sonic casually stepped in. Kaiba’s guards held up their guns in an attempt to shoot Sonic, but he simply stopped time and destroyed all the weapons, leaving them to crumple to pieces as time moved forward again.

As the guards stood shocked, Sonic simply brushed past them and stood in the middle of the room, facing a chair turned the other way.

“Okay, so you’re not Eggman. Mind spilling the beans?” Sonic questioned.

“As I told you earlier…” the voice began, before the chair swiveled around to reveal the unknown speaker, “I am Seto Kaiba, head of the company you currently defile with your muddy shoes.”

Sonic looked down at his feet and saw how he had tracked mud in. “Sorry, your ‘majesty’.” Sonic remarked sarcastically, before reaching down and wiping the dirt off with one of the guard’s pant legs until it was sparkling clean.

Annoyed, Kaiba pinched the bridge of his nose before he continued on. “You should probably know, rodent, that I didn’t send my Blue-Eyes after you.”

“Oh yeah? Can’t wait to hear an excuse.”

“We were working with a new strain of VR technology, and it isn’t quite perfected yet. It did as we hoped, bring these creatures to life, but they were out of our control. You can see the results of our foolishness.” one of the scientists muttered, gesturing to the devastation outside.

“Yeah…?”

Kaiba produced a cylindrical glass tube from within his coat pocket, and held it out to Sonic. “We need some of that power you used to defeat Blue-Eyes. It’s critical to shutting down the main reactor and putting an end to this VR problem.”

“Are you sure?”

“After seeing it firsthand, I couldn’t be more positive.” Kaiba deadpanned.

Although Sonic was rather hesitant, eventually he caved and offered up the Chaos Emerald, draining a bit of energy from it and offering the essence to Kaiba, who accepted it quickly before wordlessly retiring to his study.

“Uh…you’re welcome?” Sonic grumbled, as he headed outside, immediately receiving a transmission from Knuckles.

“Hey, Sonic! Ya there?”

“Yeah, Knux. Doin’ just fine. Sorry I lost touch, but…it’s complicated.”

“I could tell. But listen, you gotta come quick. Neo Metal Sonic is launching an attack on the base! He’s got every Badnik-SILVER WATCH YOUR LEFT!-every Badnik he’s got storming us from all sides! We need help!”

“Don’t worry Knuckles, I’m on my way!” Sonic promised, kicking it into high gear and racing off at light speed. “I just hope I’m there in time…Wait, why am I worried? I’ll be there in time to pick up donuts too!” Sonic boasted as he tore across the waves and disappeared from sight.

Back in Kaiba’s room, he anxiously threw all the objects on his desk onto the floor and placed the sample of Chaos power within a transport tube, taking the vial down to the basement lab as Kaiba followed. Once there, the tube was inserted into the master computer, which fueled one of Kaiba’s new Duel Disk designs. When Kaiba called out “Blue-Eyes White Dragon, COME FORTH!” and slapped the card onto the disk, the dragon was summoned yet again. Only this time, it remained perfectly still. Even so, Kaiba could see the rising and falling of its chest. It breathed, like a real animal.

As Kaiba reached his hand out, the beast hesitated, and then let Kaiba rest his fingers on its snout. Incredibly, though, he could actually touch it without going through. The dragon was a hologram no longer.

“‘Excellent! Now that my new Duel Disk system is finally completed, all the pieces will soon come together! Get ready, Atem…for the rematch of a lifetime!“

Kaiba laughed harder than he ever had before as the lights blacked out, the shadow of the dragon flickering on the wall as it roared to the sky.

Oogie Boogie vs Horned King: Smackdown!

: Welp, looks like it’s time for a spooky, scary clash! Y’all ready?

: Yeah, sure. I can postpone the trick or treating for a couple hours.

: Ah…I promised Rouge I’d decorate G.U.N headquarters.

: Why’d you do that?

: I was uh…promised a Chaos Emerald.

: Aw, you do care! The big bad ultimate life form is really just a big ‘ole softie.

: Shut up or I’ll crush your heart.

: I mean, a very MANLY hedgehog! Hehe…

: Are we ready to boogie down?

: Yess…I am…anxious to start.

: Heh…no problem…time for a Smackdown?

Halloween Town, Main Square…

Play Music

It was the night of All Hallow’s Eve. All over the town, the citizens were hustling and bustling through the streets, decorating the town and preparing for the big celebration happening later.

In the middle of the square was a short man with an extremely long top hat and missing an eye, opting to replace it with a button. He seemed merry and cheerful from the right angle, but opposite was a face of sadness, marked with skeletal colors.

“Everyone, please hurry! Halloween only comes once a year for real, you know! We need to make this perfect!” the mayor cried out, as he blared into his megaphone and hurriedly rushed around on his short legs. He was about ready to run into the guillotine nearby when he was grabbed by a thin, bony hand. Lifted into the air, the mayor turned to see it was none other than Jack Skellington, the King of Nightmares.

“Mayor, what are you so worked up about? We’ve done this at least a hundred times by this point, we know what we’re doing.” Jack reassured.

“Oh, I know Jack, but it’s always so nerve-wracking. Especially now that Santa Clause is coming to visit this Halloween! We really need to impress him!”

“Don’t worry! Me and Sandy Claws are real tight! We’ll be fine. As long as nothing out of the ordinary happens…” Jack trailed off, as a short, balding man in a wheelchair emerged from a nearby house, closely followed by a girl stitched together from rags.

“Ah, and here’s the man of the hour! So, what have you got for us this Halloween, Doctor?” Jack questioned.

“Eer, well…I’ve been busy developing this new gizmo designed to bring the dead back to life. I figured we could get a really good zombie or ghost dancing show, whattya think?” Doctor Finklestein asked.

“Eh…didn’t we already do that with the Heartless? Didn’t work so well.” Jack reminded him.

“Eh, yes, I’m aware, but this time it’s foolproof! This artificial heart…” Finklestein began, as he pulled out a strange device chained up with a lock, “Will bring anyone from beyond the grave back to life. But they will only follow the commands of the one who summons them, so nothing can go wrong! I’ll just use it to bring back a few of the dead!”

“And you’re sure this will work, doctor?”

“Yes, Jack.” Sally, the doctor’s assistant, chimed in. “We’ve already tested it, it’s so exciting!”

“Well…if you think it’s okay, Sally, then we’ll give it a shot.”

“Excellent! I’ll just bring it over to you, Jack.” The doctor concluded, his chair wheeling over to where Jack was standing. But before he could reach it-

“WOOOAAAAHHH!” Finklestein yelled as he toppled over, spilling the artificial heart right at the feet of a small child, who picked it up and held it out with a naughty grin.

“Oh no!” The mayor yelled in fright.

“I should have known you would show up to mess up Halloween again!” Jack complained.

“That’s right! It’s Lock-

Shock-

-and Barrel!” said the last child, who stood up after tripping the doctor and joined his cohorts. “And we’re going to make this Halloween REALLY scary!”

“Yeah, we’re gonna bring back-“

“Ssh! Don’t tell them, Barrel!” Lock scolded.

“Sorry.” 

At that, the trio made their escape, their trusty bathtub rocketing away into the night as Finklestein shook his fist in the air, yelling and threatening to call their parents.

“Well, there’s only one person they could be resurrecting.” Jack deadpanned.

Everyone nodded and said “Oogie” in unison.

“So we gotta stop ’em before they bring him back!” Jack yelled, as he charged out the front gates, Sally and his faithful pup Zero behind.

“Okay…I’ll catch up with you! I gotta…gotta rest.” Finklestein called after them, before hunching over and beginning to snooze, the mayor frantically running around in panic.

Oogie’s Manor, 10 minutes later…

“Aw yeah! Did you see the look on those guy’s faces when we snatched this heart thing?” Barrel cheered.

“Yep! What a bunch of jokes!” Lock responded.

“Guys, we’re not done yet!” Shock reprimanded. “We still gotta bring back Oogie somehow!”

“That Finklestein guy said this would do it, what’s the problem?” 

“You dummy! We didn’t listen to HOW it worked!”

“Ohhh…Eh, let’s just toss it around and see if that does anything.” Lock suggested.

“Ah-eh, why not? Could be fun!” Shock said, as the bathtub traveled inside of the manor, stopping in the center of the room.

The three quickly climbed out and began tossing the heart around in a game of hot potato. The game went on for a solid minute before Barrel finally misthrew the heart, sending it sailing high over Lock’s head and careening to the floor, where it split open into a thousand pieces.

The other two gave Barrel a disapproving glare. “Nice job, Butthead. That was the only heart we had and you busted it! Now how are we gonna bring back Oogie!?” Shock screeched.

“At this point, I’m just worried about avoiding the green smoke.”

“Wha-” Lock muttered as he turned around. There, from the shattered remains of the heart, was emerging a mysterious green phantasmal mist, snaking across the floor and directing its attention towards them.

“Uh, I motion that we make fun of Barrel outside, okay?” Shock quivered, the other two nodding rapidly.

“Great! Let’s do that…NOW RUN!” the little girl squealed as she bolted out the door, the other two yelling “Right behind you!” as they squeezed their way through together, the mist following them the whole way.

However, once they were far enough away, the mist stopped moving outward and instead began seeping into the earth, in all directions. Every bug it found was infected by the gas, bringing all of them together under one mind. The mind of the greatest threat Halloween Town had ever faced, the return of the Baron of Bugs himself.

All the insects emerged from the soil and twisted together in a spiral, forming arms, legs, and a torso. A burlap sack from within the house emerged and encircled the bugs in midair, before forming a head on top. With an explosion of green smoke, the resurrection was complete. Oogie Boogie had returned once more.

“Oh MAN, it is good to be back! That’s right, the Oogie of Boogie is back in the house. Or…outside the house, ya know, same difference.” Oogie bellowed, before letting out a hearty laugh.

“Gotta say, bein’ dead was really…buggin’ me! AHAHAHA! Ya get it?” 

The children nervously laughed at the bad joke to appease the erratic lord of locusts, earning an approving pat on the back as a result.

“Alright, kiddies! Now whattya think we should do?” Oogie requested.

Shocked, the trio of troublemakers took a step back. “Y…you want us to decide?”

“Well, yeah! You are my masters.” Oogie replied, the children getting enormous grins upon hearing it.

“Well…” Shock began, “we could always invade Halloween Town and get revenge on Jack for beating you bad!”

“Then it’s settled. We’re going to Halloween Town!” Boogie cackled, the children following suit. However, not even they could have forseen that yet more of the gas was seeping underground, far below the earth’s crust, all the way to a hidden castle, lost to the winds of time. But now it was given new life, the torches blazing to life, and more importantly awakening the castle’s inhabitants.

Play Music

A deep, rasping voice cut through the silence like butter: “Riiiiisseee…”

At once, the castle began moving up through the ground at a breakneck speed, before the tapering spires finally reaching the surface. 

Up above, Oogie and the children felt a rumbling beneath their feet, before seeing enormous fissures pop up all around them.

“Wh-What’s happening!?” The children yelled at Oogie, who merely shrugged and yelled back ” I DON’T KNOW!!”

As the ground broke apart around them, an enormous castle rose from beneath the rock and almost touched the sky before stopping its ascent. It was derelict and rusty, with a hint of the smell of death, but other than that it looked almost presentable, a fine symbol of its master.

From out of the door of the castle stepped a gaunt, robed figure, reeking with the taint of the undead, marked by the two enormous horns growing out of his head. This was none other than the Horned King, the scourge of Caer Dullban and the master of fear.

It took a little bit for the initial shock to wear off, but when it did Oogie stepped forward and asked “Who in the name of all things buggy are YOU?”

The voice that answered was like nothing Oogie had heard before. It was raspy, yes, but also carried a sense of elegance to it. Every word filled the Boogie man with a mixture of fear and willing obedience towards what he perceived as an almighty force.

“I am…the Horned King. I have come to serve the children you cower alongside.”

“Oh, well that’s ni-HEY! I’m serving these kids!”

“Not…very well, it seems…”

“You doubt the King of Cockroaches himself, Oogie Boogie? What can you do, huh!?”

“Apparently…cause fear more…effectively, than you.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Perhaps…but we should let the children decide. They…are the masters of our…destiny, right now.”

But they couldn’t hear. All they were doing was chanting “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” ad nauseum, clearly intrigued to see a fight between their servants.

“Hmph, alright. But you asked for it, skelly!”

“Ahaha…come at me with all…of your strength…if you can.“

The Horned King began by blasting Oogie with a stream of lightning. Unprepared for the sudden assault, Oogie was unable to dodge before the electricity struck him, electrocuting his body and causing him immense pain. Coughing up smoke and hunching over, Oogie attempted to regain his stamina, just in time to limbo underneath the next lightning blast.

Play Music

Now holding the advantage, Oogie ran forward and delivered a powerful haymaker to the Horned King’s chest, knocking the decrepit lich off of his throne and onto the ground. Wasting no time, Oogie stomped on the king’s back, forcing the skeleton to let out a screech of pain, before grabbing him with a burlap-covered hand, swinging him around, and throwing him into a nearby tree, felling it instantly.

Groggy, the King struggled to his feet and stared at Oogie, who was rushing him down once more. With no time to spare, the King summoned forth a Gwythaint to his side, which came to the King’s defense by slashing at Oogie with its massive talons.

Oogie wasn’t seriously hurt, but he could feel a small tear on his cheek. Slowly, a little termite seeped out of the hole and dropped to the ground, before scurrying away.

“Oh no! Whattoo I doooo!? This ain’t good!” Oogie whined, as he attempted to keep the cut closed. Meekly, one of his skeleton soldiers came up and offered a band-aid, which the gracious Oogie took at once before slapping it onto his face, shutting the tear.

As this all unfolded, the Horned King smirked. “‘Ah…so he has a weakness. If that fool splits open, he’ll be dead in moments. How pitiful…'” the King thought to himself, as he held out his arms and gathered green energy into his palms.

“Well then…Soldiers of the Dead…ariseee…” the King commanded, as he held his hands up high. The green mist began spreading from his palms, traveling across the ground once more, and from beneath the soil came entire battalions of skeleton warriors, wielding swords, lances, and shields. Soon an entire legion of soldiers was spread out across the field, all prepared to fight in the name of their king.

“Warriors…the one who splits the sack of bugs in twain…shall be my chosen knight, FOREVER! Now…chaaarrrrgggeee!!!” The King commanded, as the warriors raised their weapons and gave a primal roar in unison, before leveling their weapons and charging forward, like a wave of death.

“Oh, so you wanna go down that road?” Oogie taunted, before he raised his hand to his mouth and whistled. Or rather, he attempted to whistle and instead released a sputtering of air and spit and no noise.

“Ah, well…you get the idea. Bug Brigade, COUNTERATTACK!” Oogie ordered, as his battalion of bugs surged forward from all around to intercept the rotting corpses of the Horned King’s forces. Swords clashed with antennae, thoraxes were blocked by rusted shields, and flying mosquitoes were intercepted by javelins flung with surprising force.

As Oogie observed his army of bugs crumbling at the feet of the mighty skeletons, he realized that his foe would not go down so easily.

“Well then, boys…I think it’s time we call in the big guns! Or should I say…big bugs?” Oogie joked, as he raised his arms and unleashed a piercing bug cry that spread all over Halloween Town in an instant, shattering all the windows and deafening the populace. 

As it died down, all the fighters could hear was a very faint buzzing echo on the wind, growing steadily louder and intermixing with the noise of giant wingbeats. Soon, a loud “REEEEEEEET!” resounded through the clouds, and were immediately parted as an enormous wing blotted out the moon, larger than any creature the Horned King had seen before.

“What…is the meaning of THIS…?” The Horned King demanded, as Oogie gave a smug look in return.

“What, that? That’s just my l’il old army of BUGS! You don’t like ’em? Too bad, cuz they like you! In their belly, that is! OHOHOHOHOHOHO!” Oogie chortled as he rubbed his stomach, eagerly anticipating the demise of his newfound nemesis of necromancy.

From the skies above came Oogie’s reinforcements, consisting of a giant pill bug, a giant spider, a giant grasshopper, and finally a flying bug shaped like a mount, which Oogie quickly jumped onto and clasped the reins of. Pulling an enormous bullwhip out of hammerspace, Oogie cracked it on the bug’s head and forced the insect into the air, where it headed the newest buggy battalion.

“So!” Oogie yelled below to his rival, “are you ready to, uh, give up?!”

“Foolish, decrepit sack of pestilence! The Horned King bows to no one!” The King rasped, his throaty voice striking bone-chilling terror into the souls of all the warriors. So afraid were Oogie’s bugs, they considered loosening their grip on their weapons and fleeing the battle. Then they turned to see Oogie’s glowering face and realize they’d rather take their chances on the battle.

“Hmph, good try there buddy! But you can’t beat me in a battle of being the spookiest spook on Halloween, no sir! I’m the scariest around, and I’m gonna prove it once I win!” Oogie taunted, as he prepared his army to attack once more.

“It appears you have no grasp of the concept of fear outside your primitive, surface-level knowledge. Allow me…to show you!” The Horned King responded, as he pointed his bony arm forward and pointed at Oogie, wordlessly commanding his army to charge as they complied without a moment’s hesitation.

However, this time, there was a very clear difference in the power of their soldiers. The Gwythaints tried to slash with their talons at the Pill Bug, but they were easily repelled by its hard shell, the talons reduced to pieces as a result while the Gwythaints were slapped out of the sky. The undead minions the King summoned did well in repelling the smaller bugs, but a few skewerings by the giant spider were enough to reduce them to piles of bones. And upon seeing their comrades defeated at the hands of these powerful bugs, the mercenaries and their hounds immediately turned tail and ran for the hills, screaming all the way, not stopping even after they were no longer visible.

“Hey, you spineless fools! Get back here and serve your glorious, most benevolent, most excellent, kingliest of all-GYACK!” the goblin minion choked as he was grabbed by his neck and lifted into the air by the Horned King, who fixed the assistant with a look of extreme disgust before dropping him on his head.

“Ehehe, sorry master…” the goblin wheezed, clutching his throat as he hopped behind the king’s throne, no guards protecting it as Oogie slowly approached, a menacing scowl plastered onto his bag.

“So…it seems like you’re not that scary anymore. What happened, friend? Bug got yo’ tongue? Geddit!? AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Oogie cackled as he prepared to deliver the death blow with an upraised hand.

“Never lower your guard around the Horned King!” the King yelled, as he unleashed an enormous smoke cloud that obscured the vision of all of Oogie’s troops, causing them to stumble around blindly and crash into each other.

“Aw, doggone it! Find that skeleton, or I’ll be munchin’ on you for lunch!” Oogie ordered, as he bumped into his pill bug.

Meanwhile, the King was stumbling back into his castle, rummaging through all his discarded refuse in an attempt to find his saving grace.

“Where is it!? Where is the Black Cauldron!?” The King roared, as he continued rifling through the dirt, until he heard Oogie call out, “Didja hear that? There’s a sound comin’ underneath! Now dig, you dugs, dig!” 

There was a scratching sound from the ceiling above, and flecks of dirt rained down on the King’s bloodred cloak.

“Little time remains…I must find that cauldron!” 

On the surface, one of the grasshoppers struck the earth once again, and this time cleaved a hole in the bedrock, unveiling the castle and all its riches below. It clicked and clacked with its jaws excitedly, as Oogie Boogie leaned in, hands cupped to his ear.

“Oh, so ya found a way in, eh? Alright, then! Oh, Heartless!?” Oogie called.

From the darkest shadows emerged Oogie’s personal Heartless squad, consisting of a few Wight Knights, Gargoyles, and Search Ghosts. They all stood at attention, anticipating Oogie’s next commands.

“Go down that hole, and bring that skeleton man to me alive, y’all understand!? He needs to bow to me, see me as the true king o’ creeps!” Oogie ordered, the Heartless wordlessly nodding in comprehension. But before they could crawl inside the dingy hole, they felt the ground rumble yet again.

“Aw, what is it now?” Oogie grumbled, when the Horned King suddenly popped back out of the ground once again, this time not alone. In his hands was a massive cauldron, made of cast-iron and brimming with evil power. It was none other than the infamous Black Cauldron, the artifact that allowed its wielder to rule the world and all who inhabit it. And now the Horned King possessed it once more.

“So you turned tail and ran, almost killed yourself inside an old castle, all for a dinky pot? Nice, maybe you can hide in it before my bugs turn you to beetlejuice! Hehe, I’m funny.” 

“You clearly…underestimate…the power of the Black Cauldron. It’s power is unrivaled throughout the land…as your pathetic termites will soon see…”

“Hey, there are no termites in my squad! They’re icky!”

The Horned King seemed to not pay attention, as he picked up a skeleton he had retrieved from the crypt. With much fanfare, he slowly lowered it into the cauldron, unleashing a torrent of green mist that blanketed the entire arena in fog.

“Ah, not this crud again! Well, we beat ’em once, we can do it…again?” Oogie paused, as from the depths of hell arose a mangled, bony arm, which tightened it’s grip around Oogie’s leg, using it as leverage to climb up. From the hand came the spread of rot and corruption, which slowly worked it’s way up Oogie Boogie’s leg.

“H-hey! Whatsa goin’ on! What’s dis junk on my crunk!?” Oogie demanded.

Play Music

“Even now…the curse of the Cauldron-born, boiling and bubbling, infects you, dragging you into darkness. Soon, you will be nothing but a mindless skeletal puppet, fully under my control. And when you fall…your “army” will do the same.” The Horned King explained, before turning to witness yet more Cauldron-born breaking through to the surface, grasping the legs of all of Oogie’s bugs. As soon as they made contact, the skeletal warriors instantly transformed the bugs into new Cauldron-born, which slowly turned and advanced on their former master, their eyes blank and their mouths oozing green gas.

“Uh, uh…I’ll be right back!” Oogie whined, as he retreated to his manor as fast as his stubby legs could carry him.

“Follow him…” the King ordered, as his newly forged minions saluted and marched at a steady clip towards the manor, a wave of spectral energy and decay following closely behind.

Panting, Oogie opened a green door in the underbelly of his mansion and ran inside, shutting it quickly and barricading it with some iron gates. He had just finished locking the door when he heard a banging on the other side, as the door struggled to hold itself up amidst the pounding fists.

“Oh, Heartless!” Oogie called out, stamping his foot in impatience as he waited for his minions. 

He was sorely disappointed when the only ones that showed up were a Gargoyled and Wight Knight.

“Huh?” Oogie murmured, looking around. “That’s all? Oh, fine. You two bozos just get this room set up. That horned horror is gonna be in here any second!” 

The Heartless dutifully bobbed their heads as they prepared Oogie’s machine for repairs. They finished jsut in time and flew up into the rafters, watching as the door was busted down at last and the Horned King and his army came in, the walls rotting away behind them.

It was too dark to see. The King felt around in a vain attempt to find Oogie and subjugate the worm as soon as possible. Eventually, his hands caught on some sort of switch, and the king pulled down hard, assuming it would bring light.

He was half right.

The lair did indeed light up, but with it came the arrival of 

“OOOOOOGGIIIIEEEE’S TORTURE MACHINE! Thank you, Thank you, you’re a great audience!” the bug baron chanted, clapping and cackling to himself.

“What…is this?” 

“Aw, it’s just a friendly l’il competition between ole’ friends! Alls you gotta do is beat me in a little gamblin’, and I’ll surrender and all that! Alright, there?”

The King thought long and hard, pacing up and down the casino floor. After a long while, he finally turned to face Oogie and uttered two words:

“Game on.”

“Excellent!” Oogie cheered, as the Horned King and his army stepped forward to battle again, locked inside by an iron cage as the wheel of deadly fortune began to spin. 

“Around and around you go, where you stop only I know!” Oogie sang, as he took out a pair of red dice and threw them onto the wheel. After they bounced around for a bit, they eventually came to a stop, a three and a six facing up.

“Got a nine, doin’ fine!” Oogie rhymed, as he pulled a lever on the wall. From the ceiling came a trio of scythes, conjoined in the middle, that began spinning around, slicing through the Cauldron-born without warning as the Horned King barely managed to duck underneath in time.

“Explain this at once!” the King demanded.

“Well, I fancy myself a gamblin’ man. So every time I roll the dice, somethin’ fun happens. Nines make scythes, twelves are flamethrowas, and fours…oh, you don’t wanna see that.”

“So how do I win this…game?”

“Oh…you don’t.” Oogie deadpanned, as he rained yet more crimson dice onto the wheel.

Play Music

As the Horned King stared at the cubes, his face twisted into an angered grimace. “So…you like your precious dice? Then here, have them back!” he grumbled, as he picked up the dice and infused them with his lightning powers, causing them to crackle with electricity, before he threw them back to sender.

Oogie, too busy laughing at the Horned King’s misfortune, failed to see the dice before they smacked him in the face, sending the insect instigator down to the floor, where he lay motionless, stunned by the surprise attack.

As if on cue, the bars around the wheel retracted back into the ground. 

“Now…as I was saying earlier…perish.” the King growled, completely inhuman, as his soldiers climbed up the wall to Oogie with their bare hands. With the strength of a thousand skeletons, they grasped the bars shielding Oogie from the onslaught and ripped them away as if they were tissue. Frightened, Oogie slammed his hand down on a button, and a series of pushers on either side sprang out of the ground and forcefully shoved the undead back into the pit, the bars closing around them.

“Heh, nice try buddy, but no one outboogies Oogie!” he called out, as he reached into his nonexistent pockets and pulled out yet more dice, blasting them in all directions and getting too many combinations to count.

From the ceiling came flamethrowers, more spinning scythes, a barrage of Heartless, bombs, gas bombs, and even giant hellhounds, all raining on the king with no place for him to hide.

“Warriors! Protect your master!” the King ordered, as his army formed a defensive shield around himself. As the hazards approached, they were stopped by the Cauldron-born, sacrificing themselves to keep the king from being hurt. Yet with every soldier that fell, the barrier crumbled even more.

From one of the barrier’s holes, the King could see Oogie’s torture chamber clearly for the first time. It was bathed in a hellish red glow, only marred by the myriad of colors from the wheel itself. Dark shadows were cast by all of the torture devices as they spun around in a loop. And high above, Oogie was clapping, a slow clap that echoed across the room.

“I told y’all! You can’t beat a gamblin’ man at his own game!”

Anxious, the Horned King looked around to see if there was anything he could do. Then, his eyes fell on his precious cauldron…and he got an idea. Turning to face Oogie, he yelled “Well…what if the game were…changed?”

Curious, Oogie leaned in closer. “Huh? I’m afraid ya gotta speak up, friend!”

“Cauldron bubble, burning low, let my hatred make you grow…” the King chanted, as Oogie rubbed his head in confusion.

“Look, I appreciate good songwriting as much as the next guy, but we’re kinda in the middle of a fight he-“

“Send this worm back to hell, by the order of Ragnor Fell!” he finished, as a beam of pure energy flew out of the cauldron and hit Oogie squarely in the jawline, forcing him onto his back and illuminating the room in a purple light.

All the traps disintegrated upon witnessing the light, and all of Oogie’s Heartless instantly became Cauldron-born. They all glowered at Oogie with a malevolence most dire, as he struggled to his feet.

“OK, OK, minor setback. I just gotta put the traps back up, and-what’s that sound?” he asked in confusion, before looking down to his leg. Horrified, he saw that his bag had sprung a leak, and bugs were pouring out of it in droves, coating the floor in wriggling insects.

“Oh, no! Looks like this is the end of Oogie! I didn’t even get my seeeeequuuueellll…” were the final words he spoke before the life drained from his eyes and he was no more than a sack on the ground.

“Hmph. All too easy…” the King gloated, as he laid back on his throne, caressing his beloved cauldron. “You know…this castle would make a decent abode for no-“

Suddenly, the mansion began shaking, and rocks began raining down from the ceiling.

“What!?”

The goblin servant approached and shrieked “The castle is self-destructing, my lord! We must leave now!”

The King clenched his fist in anger, but complied as he ordered his troops to pick him up as they raced out the door, the entrance falling to rubble behind them. They just managed to flee to a nearby cliffside before a huge dust explosion kicked up the surrounding turf, blinding them all.

As the King struggled to clear his vision, the goblin murmured, “Well, that didn’t go so well, my lord. Perhaps a new castle exists around here for us to…control…”

The King wondered what made his slave hesitate, until he opened his eyes and saw something incredible.

Oogie’s house was not only still standing, but now it carried Oogie’s visage. House and man had merged together!

“What sort of black sorcery is this!?” the King demanded, incredulous over this newfound sight.

“Hehehe…Oogie Boogie ain’t down until the show’s over! And the show’s neva’ over as long as I’m here! I guess you could say I’m gonna ‘bring the house down’! Geddit!?” Oogie chuckled.

“Your weaknesses are all too obvious. It is only a matter of time before I bring about your demise, fool.” the King deadpanned, as his Gwythaints lifted the King’s throne into the air, so the two combatants were eye to eye.

“Now…the end of the prophesied clash draws near. Prepare for a vengeance so powerful, it has been kept alive for thousands of years!”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s just get to fightin!”

Immediately, Oogie’s house form raised it’s enormous lantern and shook it violently, releasing a storm of fireballs that blazed like comets, falling at rapid speed towards the ground. The Gwythaints carrying the Horned King swayed to and fro in an effort to keep balanced and avoid death, before the King gave up and jumped as far as he could, barely making it to one of the wooden ledges surrounding Oogie’s manor.

Play Music

Puzzled at how he was supposed to eliminate something so massive, the King paced back and forth, blissfully unaware that Oogie had noticed the subterfuge and had already sent his legion of Gargoyles to counterattack.

As soon as the King had paced the balcony for the seventh time, he was scratched across the back by a Gargoyle and was forced to take a knee, rubbing his bleeding wound in surprise as the Gargoyles began firing numerous bolts of energy.

Having no other choice, the King called upon his limited magic reserves and shot powerful blasts of lightning, which ripped through the Heartless with ease, and also blew open a corridor within the manor, a purple blob sticking out of it conspicuously.

“‘Hmm…I wonder…'” the King pondered, before blasting another lightning shot at the boil and exploding it, cascading a shower of purple goop in all directions. From up above, the King could hear an audible cry of pain emanate from Oogie, as if the boil was a sensitive spot.

“That shall do nicely…” the King responded, before performing a series of acrobatic leaps and flips around the outside of the manor, carefully dodging the fire blasts and errant shots from the Heartless, and destroying every purple boil one by one. At last, the Horned King reached the top of the manor, climbing up using his gnarled fingers. The final weak point was much larger than all the rest, bigger than the King himself.

“Hmph. Unguarded…how careless.” 

But as he started forward, his hands blazing with energy, he was suddenly rocked back and forth violently, as Oogie shook around in an attempt to throw the Horned King off of his back. The King struggled to hold on to the wooden planks, hanging on for dear life.

“Minions! Stop this castle from moving!” the King ordered, his Cauldron-born and Gwythaints complying as they flew up to Oogie’s eyes. In a series of quick strokes, they slashed at the termite tyrant’s eyes, blinding him and stopping his movements.

“Graagh!” Oogie screeched, using his enormous hand to wipe his now bleeding eyes, as the Horned King approached the purple boil. He was about to slam down hard with a duo of flaming fists, but was suddenly burned by a fireball from within the boil!

His face now melted in half, the King was partially blinded and struggled to find the boil. When his ailing peripheral vision finally rested on his target, he ignited his fists one last time and raised them high.

“Good-bye.”

He struck downward, and everything went white.

…

…

The ringing noise in the King’s ears took awhile to go away, but finally he could take his hands off his ears and observe his handiwork.

Oogie’s house was gone. The only things that remained were a few scattered wooden beams, and a burlap sack. But the Horned King didn’t escape unscathed, for his entire army had been vaporized by the explosion. All that was left was his cauldron, untouched by the scars of the fight. It was as if nothing could ever hurt it.

“Now this contest must be concluded, correct?” the King questioned. When he received no response other than the rustling of the wind, he was satisfied, turning his back and beginning to walk away. Unbeknownst to him, however, was that the wind was actually pushing the discarded pieces of Oogie’s house together, as the cloth sack began floating in the air. Pieces of dirt and garbage from the ground were mixed in as well, until there was a giant mass of random objects cluttering the middle of the arena.

With that done, the wind wrapped itself around the garbage in a cyclone pattern, whipping it up into the air and shaping it into a new form. Arms, legs, and a torso were formed, only much larger, and atop the head was a growth shaped like a crown. With one final piece, the transformation was complete, and Mega Boogie was forged.

“Hey!” he called out. “Where ya goin’? The fun’s justa gettin’ started!”

“Impossible…” the King remarked, as he turned around and witnessed this new creation. “I destroyed you! You were nothing!”

“Nothin’? Buddy, I’m the centerpiece o’ Halloween! You can’t get’a rid o’ me so easy-like! Now, just for that…I’m gonna get rid of YOU.” Oogie replied.

The King merely chuckled. “So, then, I’m assuming this is the final round. Once you perish here, it will be over at last. Perfect, that’s all I desire at this point.” 

“Then stop blabberin’ on and fight!”

“With pleasure. Mega Boogie, prepare to feel TRUE FEAR!”

From within his cloak, the Horned King drew a sword. Although it was stained by the sands of time, it was still capable of cleaving through almost anything. Even Mega Boogie was surprised as the blade was leveled at him, although it quickly faded.

“Oooh, I’m so scared. You got yerself a butter knife? Cute.”

From the shadows, a trio of monstrous giants came forth. On the left were twin golems of fire and ice, and on the right was an enormous arachnid, marked with a target on its abdomen, its pincers slathered with deadly venom.

“Ya may have gotten past my heartless and bugs, but these three are gonna put you ta beddy-bye…permanent-like!” Oogie bellowed, as his monsters charged. The Horned King just barely managed to lift his sword up to block the strike from the fire golem, but was unable to react quickly enough to dodge the ice golem’s swipe, which sent him careening into a nearby giant pumpkin, it’s orange juice staining his ruby cloak.

While the King was distracted, Oogie took pieces of garbage from within himself, and threw them at mach speeds towards the King. As it flew through the air, the golems shot fire and ice attacks at the trash, infusing it with elemental powers, so that when it hit the king it erupted into an explosion of steam, big enough to be seen for miles.

When it cleared, the King was still standing, but only just. He strained to get up, leaning on a piece of metal to support himself as he got to his feet. Groggy, he looked around, and in an incredible stroke of luck, he realized he had landed next to his cauldron!

Standing over the metal pot once more, the King repeated his chant. “Cauldron bubble, burning low, let my hatred make you grow…Send this worm back to hell, by the order of Ragnor Fell!” 

From out of the cauldron shot a plume of lava, which hit the Ice Golem squarely in the chest, burning a hole right through it. In its final moments, the golem clutched it’s stomach, it’s face contorting into a grimace, before toppling over and melting into a pool of water.

“Aw, sugar cookies! Stop ‘im!” Oogie ordered, as the fire golem raised its mace and roared, charging headfirst at the King.

Undeterred, the King simply doused the creature with a storm of water from the cauldron, turning the beast to stone as it toppled over and smashed into pieces.

“That bucket is ruinin’ me! How am I supposed ta beat it!?” Oogie ranted, as he launched shots of trash at the cauldron like a machine gun, each one being canceled out by energy attacks from the cauldron.

However, while both Oogie and the King were distracted, Lock, Shock and Barrel emerged from the twisted trees, riding in their sentient bathtub as they witnessed the battle.

“Wow, that looks AWESOME!” Barrel shrieked in awe as he witnessed the laser blasts flying in all directions.

“Yeah, but I wish we could help Oogie. He needs us!” Shock whined.

“Yeah…hey, I got it!” Lock replied. The other two turned their heads to the devil masked boy, eager to hear his plan.

“What if we…you know…take that big pot from the skeleton guy, and give it to Oogie! That would help him out for sure!” 

“Are you crazy?” Shock remarked. “Do you see the lasers coming out of it? It’s dangerous!”

“So is standing in the middle of a fight. Might as well try to help, right?” Lock reasoned.

“Eh…alright.” Barrel acquiesced, with Shock reluctantly nodding as well.

“Then let’s go!” Lock commanded, as the bathtub reared up on its hind legs like a horse before galloping into the fight.

The tub bobbed and weaved among the lasers, the Horned King paying it no mind as he continued his power struggled with Mega Boogie. One of the blasts caught the tub’s leg and shot it clean off, but it kept going, hobbling on three legs as fast as it could. 

Finally, the King took notice of the tub limping towards him, and was forced to split his concentration between Oogie and the children, blasting them with fire and electricity combinations that made the ground erupt into explosive mine blasts. However, it was too little, too late, as the kids jumped out of the tub and tackled the King to the ground, spilling the cauldron and halting its magic briefly.

With the King distracted in trying to wrestle the children off of his stomach, Lock reached his hand out to touch the pot.

“No, you fool! Don’t go inside that cauldron! You’ll die!” the King pleaded.

“Pfft, yeah, sure…” Lock sarcastically replied, as he crawled forward into the cauldron. A moment passed, and when Lock didn’t feel anything, he started to crawl back out, but he didn’t get the chance before he began screaming in horrific pain, his skin literally melting as he collapsed with the confines of the Cauldron, trying to gasp out his last words…but ultimately failing, as he succumbed to his destiny and fully melted into nothing.

“LOCK!” Shock screeched, before shedding a tear behind her arm, devastated by the loss of one of her only true friends, with Barrel patting her back in comfort.

“No, you fools! What have you done! By sacrificing your friend, you have caused the cauldron to deactivate! Now it will overload and destroy all of us!” the King yelled.

“Actually…just you.” Mega Boogie replied with finality. The King heard this and raised his blade, charging towards his nemesis at blinding speed. With a mighty yell, he leaped as high as he could into the air and made a move to stab downward.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! DIE!” The King screamed with madness as he plunged his sword into Oogie’s skull…

…in his fantasies.

In reality, Oogie reached up and grabbed the sword just in time, stopping it with the utmost ease. Lifting Horned King until the two were eye level, Oogie whispered “Sayonara…” as he grabbed both ends of the King and began pulling as hard as he could in either direction.

“Not…possible…” the King groaned, as his body began to split apart at the waist, until the skeleton had finally suffered too much strain and his body snapped in half!

Blood gushed out of the King’s midsection, staining Mega Boogie’s cloth bag with crimson liquid. “Eeewww…well, since you like your cauldron so much, maybe you should stay there foreva!” Oogie yelled, as he threw both halves of the King into the cauldron, which exploded with a thunderous boom, creating an explosion that almost wiped everyone out with its sheer power.

 

But when the dust settled, nothing was left of the Horned King. Caer Dullban’s scourge had been permanently wiped out. And with that, Oogie chanted “This is Halloween! I am Halloween! Nothing can beat me, can’t you see! This is Halloween, I am Halloween! Now it’s time for scarin’, you and me!”

: Damn…kind of a brutal way to go out, huh?

: Eh, the bastard got what he deserved.

: Besides, no one really cared about him anyway.

: He was kind of a…buzzkill! Geddit?

: Yeah, I get it.

: But you’re not laughin’.

: I will be soon…on your gravestone.

: Hey, hey, I like a good scrap as much as the next guy, but the fight’s over! Shouldn’t we do that whole…an-al-ysis thing we do that no one cares about?

: Well, there is a quota to fulfill for that check, so why not.

: Alright. So, starting off, both of these characters are…relatively even in terms of strength and durability. Both characters can survive or scale to characters who can survive long falls, although Oogie does have a disadvantage in that his whole body is technically a weak spot, meaning that if he gets cut anywhere, chances are he’ll lose very quickly. On the flip side, Oogie has taken explosion attacks from the likes of Jack’s pumpkin bombs that the Horned King has never been exposed to, and the King has no direct durability feats. All of them come from scaling to Taran.

: In terms of physical strength, both are capable of picking up and carrying people with one arm with ease, and…that’s it, that’s pretty much the best strength feat for both of these characters(outside of Kingdom Hearts for Oogie but that was excluded).

: So they seem pretty even in terms of durability and strength, so you might be thinking this is an even match. But then you get to speed and it’s a pretty clear-cut category for Oogie. Black Cauldron has no speed feats, so the best the Horned King could do is probably subsonic speeds, via scaling to the Gwythaints. By contrast, Oogie was able to react while piloting Santa’s sleigh, clocking in at impressive Mach 3000+ speeds as seen here:

Play Music

: With that said, Oogie does take the stat trinity overall, which is definitely a big help. But at the same time, the Horned King does have ways around that. His army is capable of distracting Oogie enough for the Horned King to land in some good hits, and coupled with his elemental powers, teleportation, and the Cauldron, he could theoretically keep up with Oogie despite the immense speed advantage. And thanks to the Death Manipulation powers of the Cauldron, if Oogie did climb inside it, there’s a very good chance he would never get out again. So…how does he win?

: Well, I got a trick or two up my buggy sleeves! Starting with my legion o’ leeches!

: Indeed. Oogie’s army of bugs, skeletons, and Heartless easily trumped the Horned King’s army, both in numbers, teamwork, and overall power. Not to mention that every element of the Horned King’s army, barring one, has some kind of counter. The Gargoyles match and surpass the Gwythaints as aerial troops due to having actual offensive prowess, the bugs and skeletons act as a counter to any skeletons the Horned King could summon, and the Wight Knights and Search Ghosts are much better ground soldiers than the Horned King’s mercenaries. And that’s not even getting into things like the giant bugs, Fire and Ice Golems, and Crypt Spider, which have no counter in the King’s army.

: However, there is an exception, and that is the Cauldron-born. This army is capable of assimilating seemingly all living organisms and turning them to the side of the King, and according to lore, they are indestructible unless the Cauldron’s power is reversed. Now, this seems like a massive no limits fallacy, but…that’s how they’re defeated in the movie. They’re indestructible, never fight a single battle, and then dissipate upon the Cauldron’s power being broken. So theoretically, they could be indestructible to Oogie and his bugs, but only theoretically. However, this all implies that the Horned King would actually have the Cauldron to begin with, since there’s no guarantees.

: Even with the Cauldron, Oogie still has ways to fight back. Thanks to his army, Shadow Oogie acting as a distraction, and Oogie’s numerous torture machines and forms, Oogie will always have the upper hand in terms of unpredictability and versatility. Mega Oogie in particular is far stronger than anything the Horned King himself can deal with. The Cauldron was capable of bringing down a castle, but not only did the Cauldron have to overload and become permanently inert for that to happen, but Oogie could just…move away from it. It worked in the movie. It wouldn’t even take that much effort to overload the cauldron, since the only requirement is that a living soul has to climb inside of the cauldron willingly. And considering that Oogie employs three rowdy, non-rule abiding children in his army, it shouldn’t take too much effort to get one to willingly go inside, especially if they aren’t told about the cauldron’s curse. And once the cauldron is deactivated, the Horned King is basically screwed.

: I know this was a pretty long, complicated series of explanations, but to put it succinctly, while the Horned King could keep up in terms of strength and durability somewhat, had an army that could potentially defeat Oogie’s, and a cauldron that would instantly kill Oogie if he happened to climb inside, Oogie’s overall better army, versatility, unpredictability, and stats in his higher forms give the King of Bugs juuuuust enough advantages to pull out a win.

: Happy Halloween, y’all! Get lotsa candy for me!

: Hehe…the winner is Oogie Boogie, the Master of Nightmares.

Winner(Oogie Boogie):
+Slightly stronger and tougher, especially as Mega Boogie
++Far, FAR faster in terms of reactions
+Army overwhelms the Horned King’s in terms of numbers, abilities, and power
+Generally more unpredictable
+Packs far more versatility
+Lock, Shock and Barrel>Goblin as assistants
=Experience
=Base of Operations
-/+If Oogie did get in the cauldron, he’d probably die. However, Lock, Shock, and Barrel allow him to cancel out the cauldron’s power by sacrificing them
-Cauldron-born could potentially infect Oogie and his army, but they’re too vague to really say that for certain
-/=Overloaded Cauldron technically possesses more power than Oogie, but it can also easily be avoided, and the Cauldron is useless afterwards
-Less fighting skill
-House Oogie and Oogie’s Torture/Heartless machines are a bit too situational

 

Horned King(Loser):
+Better fighting skill due to being trained in swordplay when alive
+Cauldron-born could maybe beat Oogie by infecting Oogie and his army with the undead curse, but the vague nature of the Cauldron-born makes this rather dubious
+/=Black Cauldron is technically capable of producing more power than Oogie, but only when overclocked, after which it permanently shuts off.
+/-If the Horned King somehow got Oogie in the Cauldron, Oogie would probably die, but this can be canceled out by Oogie simply sacrificing one of the kids to the Cauldron
-The Cauldron can kill him if he isn’t careful
–The Black Cauldron may not even be with the King in a fight, and without it the King is helpless
-Outclassed in the stat trinity, especially when Oogie goes into his higher forms
-More predictable due to his limited abilities
-Inferior army all around minus potentially the Cauldron-born
-Goblin<Lock, Shock, and Barrel in terms of a fight

Epilogue…

“Wow, Oogie, that was amazing!” Barrel cheered, as Mega Oogie dropped numerous chunks of garbage in order to shrink back down to his usual self.

“Yeah, I was pretty good, huh? Shame about that cauldron, though…coulda been real handy for the holidays. Oh, and uh, sorry about your friend.” Oogie apologized, somewhat halfheartedly.

“It’s…it’s okay, boss. He died doing what he was born to do.” Shock forced out, a tear in her eye as she held her tiny hands to her face.

They all took a moment of silence in honor of Lock’s sacrifice, before Oogie once again affixed a smile to his contorted face. “So, you kids ready to take over Halloween and Sandy Claws?”

“YEAH!” they cheered.

“Then let’s go!” Oogie encouraged, as he raced away on his short, stubby legs, the children following behind in their injured tub. But before they left the hilltop, they took the cauldron and added in some of the fire golem’s essence, causing it to spark to life. Satisfied, the kids raced after their master.

Back in Halloween Town, Finklestein was still pacing around in the square, wondering what had happened to the heart. He was about to make his 400th pass around the guillotine, when Jack and his friends burst through the gates once more, fear etched onto their faces.

“Something tells me that you don’t have good news.” Finklestein predicted, Sally nodding her head. Jack, out of breath from running, panted out “Oogie…fight…explosions…coming to kidnap Sandy…gotta get ready…”

Without another word, Finklestein raced back to his house and hit a giant red button next to the doorbell. At once, several hatches opened in the square, and out of them came a platoon of Finklestein’s newest experiments: deformed, metallic golems, single-mindedly programmed to follow Finklestein’s orders and protect Halloween Town.

“You know your objective. Now…go!” Finklestein ordered, as the golems nodded and took up positions by the front gate, poised to defend their homeland from the encroaching threat.

“I’d like to see Oogie break through that!” Jack boasted, as he gave Sally a hug.

Outside the town, Oogie saw that the path was blocked by hoards of experiments, forcing him to stop in his tracks.

“Huh…can’t beat them alone…oh, Heartless!” Oogie called, but this time, even after a full minute, there was no response.

“Drat! Now how am I supposed to get into Halloween Town?” Oogie wondered, as he pondered the notion of cutting his losses and going home. But before he could finalize the decision, the kids appeared from behind and tossed the cauldron right at Oogie’s feet, startling the nightmare king. Then he realized what it was, and a wide grin split his face in two as he rose to full height.

“Good job, kiddies!” Oogie responded, as he used a stick to rotate the cauldron around so that it faced the experiments. “Now I just need-“

A skeleton popped out of the ground, finally answering Oogie’s summons.

“Actually, that is what I need.” Oogie finished, as he picked up the skeleton and tossed it into the cauldron, unleashing green mist once again. The mist spread to the Experiments, who became infected by its evil energy as their skin turned a malevolent purple hue.

“Now how’s that for a third act twist, eh?” Oogie commented, as the golems parted to allow their liege to pass freely, Oogie taking it in stride as he regally walked into town, ready to spread fear once again to the hapless citizens of Halloween Town, and beyond. After all…

“There is nothing to fear but Oogie himself.”