Disjointed ramblings about Xenoblade Chronicles 3

So, about a month or so ago, the long awaited final chapter in the “Klaus/Conduit” story arc that began with the first Xenoblade game, came out. Of course, everyone praised it, I got my copy, and now, 231 hours later, I’ve finally completed pretty much everything I feel invested in with the game (before the DLC comes out, I might update this to accommodate that later). Needless to say, the game gives me a lot to talk about. So much so, I can’t do it with a standard Discord post. And so, here we are.

Couple disclaimers. First, this is not gonna be a review. I’m not really good at that, and I don’t want it to come across like I’m some Xenoblade superfan, qualified to give an objective analysis of this game. I’m just some guy who played the entire numbered trilogy. Although, I think I have played enough of this game to know what I’m talking about.

Second, I’m gonna be spoiling this shit rotten. If you haven’t played the game, go do it. Trust me, you’ll benefit a lot from a blind playthrough.

Third, since this is a sequel to the previous two numbered entries, there will probably be some comparisons to them, some positive, some negative.

This also won’t really be in any particular order, just things I find relevant at the time. Now, let’s begin with the story.

In terms of general stuff, the idea for the setting and world is something that totally makes sense. The first two games explored two different universes, so naturally, mashing them together makes sense for this final installment. And out of the legacy characters they could have used for this game, Nia and Melia were the best choices. Melia is a High Entia, so it makes sense she’d live this long, and Nia probably had the best combination of story significance, story potential, popularity, and intrigue from the Blades in the second game. That, and this character who called Zeke a “one-eyed monster” having to use this posh accent is pretty funny. The gag did indeed land for me, and it even had a satisfying payoff in the final boss battle.

In terms of the actual plot…well, I was pretty hooked upon seeing the premise. Two warring factions, each headed by a supreme leader, who use an army of genetically engineered expendable soldiers to fight with…

This shit is just the Clone Wars. And, well, I like the Clone Wars. So I like this too. But there are some things that are unique to this universe, that I found pretty interesting. For one, while the clones were all unique in their identifier number and personality to an extent, the Agnus and Keves soldiers are the same throughout their entire fighting history, being reborn from the same tube ad nauseam when they die. That is, of course, unless they reach the Homecoming stage, a sort of extreme honorable discharge that prevents them from being resurrected. And well…I’ll talk about *that* scene a little later.

The other notable difference from the Clone Wars is that, while one side had the Jedi generals that were “supposed” to be the good guys (or at least, the lesser of two evils), and the other had the “evil” Separatist commanders, in this case the Jedi and Sith commanders are both equally massive assholes. The Consuls, as they’re known, are the big bads of this game, manipulating the soldiers on both sides to kill each other and collect life energy for the Flame Clocks, which directly sustain the lives of all the soldiers.

The Consuls themselves are pretty weak as villains, honestly. I know not every game needs to have a morally grey or tortured antagonist where you sympathize with their motivations, like Egil or Jin. Sometimes you just need a good Saturday morning bad guy to entertain you for an hour. And, some of these Consuls do that fine. Ones like D in particular are just, aggressively trying to be the biggest piece of shit imaginable, and it’s so much fun. And some Consuls do have legitimate character depth and motivation, like Shania and Irma. Shania’s story in particular was pretty moving, a tragic tale of inferiority complexes and forcing square pegs into round holes. And Irma is basically amogus that gives you the feels, so, pretty good there.

The rest of the Consuls are kinda just, there, though. They do have personality traits I guess? Consul R is a hypocritical backstabber, Consul Y has a funny voice, F was actually pretty honorable to a degree, Joran also has an inferiority complex. But for the most part, these characters can kinda just be boiled down to a couple basic traits. They’re kind of fun in the moment, but I can barely remember them 50-60 hours later. Except of course, for one Consul, but I’ll talk about him later.

Even though some of these characters are actually ones you meet earlier in the story who are turned into Consuls, not many of the emotional moments really landed for me. The entire time Joran was talking and coming to terms with the closure of his character arc, I was kinda just sitting there waiting for the next piece of gameplay to start. There are some exceptions, like the aforementioned Shania, but that’s because we actually got a fair amount of time with her to form a sort of camaraderie.

That said, the villains do their job at being antagonists serviceably. They’re massive pieces of shit that get in your way, adequately blocking progression. This, unfortunately, does not hold true for the game’s main villain, Z (or Zed, idk), who is probably the worst main villain in all of Xenoblade. Well, maybe the one from X is worse but, the worst out of the numbered trilogy. Previous villains either got in your way a lot more, or actively took a stand against you throughout the game. Zanza not as much but, at least that was the first game, and we had elements like going inside Bionis, and the landmass you were standing on literally attacking you, which added some gravitas to him. Z doesn’t really have any of that, instead opting to sit in a room for 100 hours until you waltz up to his door to start the final boss. And, to its credit, the final boss does have a nice level of impact and scale, what with the two factions throughout the entire game coming together with giant mecha castle transformer machines to shoot lasers at the Origin ball. But, that doesn’t really improve Z that much. Granted, they do sort of hand wave this by pointing out that Z is less of a person, as opposed to the concept desiring to keep the universe in limbo. So, him not having much of a personality in order to represent an all-encompassing generic desire might be a good thing. But to me, it just makes him boring. Malos and Jin, he is not.

Although, on the flip side, the group of protagonists we get might just be the best overall of the trilogy. Or at the very least, the most consistent.

In the past two titles, while they had mostly great protagonist casts, I did feel there was always that one who either fell into the background (Sharla) or just wasn’t that good (Tora). And apparently that also happened with X.

By contrast, I found every one of the main characters likable or interesting in their own right. Noah slots right in with the other Xenoblade protagonists and I like him about as much as the other 2, Lanz is like Reyn again and I like that, Sena is kind of adorable and is in a couple of my favorite side quests in the game because of her, Taion is literally just me and that’s cool, Mio is so cute and I love her dynamic with Noah (they make a great pair), and Eunie is just the chaotic bitch and has probably some of the best facial expressions in the game. Even the characters I thought would be my least favorites shifted back around to becoming great again. Sena kinda lost me at one point, but doing sidequests like the Segiri story near the end really changed my viewpoint. It honestly does a much better job at fleshing out Sena than her own side-story (which is ironically more focused on Ghondor), but details.

What really helps is that, while there are no heart to hearts in this game (no party affinity either, actually, strange omission), we still do get a lot of characterization for the party. Whenever you take a rest stop or go to a canteen and eat, Monolith threw in a lot of little touches as the party interacts with each other. Scenes like Taion playing with his Mondo while Sena tries to catch it, or Noah and Mio doing off-seeing flute playing together, or Riku and Manana helping increase the difficulty of Lanz and Sena’s pushups.

Actually, speaking of Riku, he might be my favorite Noon in the series. Past Nopon companions were very hit or miss, with Riki being a fun character, Tora being very questionable, and the Nopon party members from FC being just kinda there. But Riku is a party member I very much enjoyed. Firstly, he’s around for the entire game and gets plenty of screen time in cutscenes, so we get to know a lot about him. We know his secret desires, his fun little character quirks, and even his embarrassment. We see how the others rely on him a lot as a source of almost sagely advice, but there’s also a lot of lighthearted ribbing and jabs that make the characters definitely feel like they’re a group of friends. It was really nice to see. And Manana was, alright. She’s definitely kind of an acquired taste, and I didn’t find myself entertained by her as much as the others, but I can’t personally call her bad. If I had to pick the one character that was the weakest, it would be her, though.

It’s not even just the main characters, though. A lot of the side characters, and especially the Heroes, get a lot of time to shine, and a lot of great scenes. Outside the Heroes, characters like Dorin and Bambam, the shipwright Nopon (Simopon or Sinopon I think), and Fox have a couple great scenes, and sometimes even develop as characters. But the Heroes are the real stars of the show. Most of them come in the form of the colony leaders dotted throughout the world, and most of the time you unlock them by completing their requisite Hero quests, most of which ending with smashing the colony’s flame clock and “freeing” them, allowing you to increase colony affinity. I do really like this system, actually. It’s a nice way to tie in the story with the gameplay, and the fact that a lot of these Hero Quests end with a Consul battle do make them feel more important in the overall narrative.

Which reminds me, try to do as many Hero Quests as you can before you fight the final boss, there’s a nice little bonus if you do. That, and since a lot of these quests are really good at fleshing out the world and directly striking back against the main antagonist group, they almost feel necessary to get the full story experience. It does kind of suck having to grind out Class Points to get a specific class to level 10, but at least you have Nopon coins to speed up the process, and class point boosting food items that ACTUALLY WORK NOW, hallelujah.

That said, it’s still worth doing all these Hero Quests, as a lot of them are really interesting. We get to explore new parts of the world, fight exclusive bosses, and delve into the personalities of these Heroes, which really run the gambit. In spite of that, a lot of them are memorable, in a good way. Zeon, Teach, Ghondor, Segiri, Valdi, Juniper, they’re all great. But I wanna highlight two in particular.

Ashera, the Undying Blade, is a character that seems kinda off when you first meet her. She’s a very suicidal type of character, recklessly charging into combat, thirsty to meet her end on the field of war, to the point she’s earned a reputation of being insane. And, yeah, that reputation makes sense as you go through the questline, she is kind of wacko. To the point Eunie just snaps at her in an emotional outburst, perceiving Ashera as no different than the Consuls throwing away the lives of soldiers in battle. The first part of the questline has kind of an ambiguous ending, but when you play the second part everything clicks together. You see that Ashera’s troops are just as blood hungry and vicious as she is, but we also get backstory that reveals why Ashera is the way she is. Her first death had her go out with a whimper, decapitated by a Consul in a cruel precursor to the Homecoming ceremony, and as such she doesn’t want to die in a way as pathetic as that ever again. It adds a whole new dimension to the character and Colony 11 as a whole, and is one of my favorite quests because of it. We even get some wholesome conversations between Eunie and Ashera at the end, with both promising to kill each other the second the other asks for it.

Well, as wholesome as you can get for the “Undying Blade”.

Then there’s Triton, who might just be my favorite Hero in the game. A Consul in charge of Colony 15 on the Erythia Sea, you expect that when you meet him he’s gonna be a huge douche like the other Consuls, and you’ll have to fight him. And, you do fight him, but the game completely flips the script and makes Consul T, Triton, an actually pretty cool dude, who just wants to hang out and challenge you to seafaring competitions. Sure, he’s kind of a sore loser and he does sucker punch Lanz in the gut before starting the boss fight with him, but at the end it’s clear that both parties were just letting off steam and have a good hearty laugh about it. Well, Triton does, the party just kind of sits there with what I would imagine is the shocked Pikachu face as Triton asks to join the team. Honestly, kind of a badass concept, having one of the villain group members join you as a player character. I loved it with Fiora and Morag/Zeke in the previous games, and I love it just as much here. And the second part of his quest is just, so great. You have this wild goose chase around the world trying to help this old man recover his memory about his traveling buddy, and in the end it turns out it was all to get some miso bean paste from a monster’s claw. That’s just really funny, especially with how Eunie wants to punch Triton a couple times throughout the quest, and you can just feel Noah restraining himself with every fiber of his being. Great questline, especially with how it ties into another quest series of Colony 15 settling into the City and doing kind of a piss-poor job at it.

It’s good that the cast is as well-rounded as it is, because this game absolutely throws them through the wringer, the shitter, and every other -er you can imagine. Right at the start, they’re wanted by the entire world for being Ouroboros, and literally everyone is out to kill you. This sequence was actually pretty dope, having you run away from the Colony 4, Gamma, and 9 armies as they try to hunt you down, having intense fights against Colony Lambda and its Commander Isurd, stuff like that. I do wish it lasted a little longer, though, because by the time you finish Colony Lambda this tension largely disappears and the world is essentially normal again. Still, great moment while it lasted.

Then you have this really cool moment where you finally reach the City, and you think you’re nearing the end of the game because that’s where you were told to go by Guernica near the start, but nah you’ve got like 3 chapters of gameplay left to go fuckos. And you learn all about this ancient house dichotomy like this is Fire Emblem, and one of the house ancestors kinda looks like Reyn I think (maybe that’s just me). And you get a boat to go out and explore Erythia Sea and there are WAY too many landmarks like god how are you supposed to finish the map without a guide-

Er, and then you have a sequence where you’re in jail and you try to stage a prison break which is this cool Shawshank Redemption type atmosphere, except Morgan Freeman is a small girl with the most incredible swear words you’ll ever see, and then you get your ass beat by more Consuls and thrown in actual jail and…

Yeah, you’ve probably seen a lot of the “Chapter 5” talk going around, and how it emotionally destroyed a lot of people playing this game. And to throw my two cents in…yes, Chapter 5 is indeed an emotional gut kick in the gonads, and the sole reason why I’m glad that this is the one game where I tried really fucking hard to avoid any kind of spoilers. Usually I don’t care, but I 100% believe this moment would have lost basically all its impact if I knew about it going in. Everything about this sequence of events was honestly done perfectly. The lead in with you getting completely destroyed by the Consuls, the small but ultimately fruitless bit of hope you get as Lanz and Sena almost take down N in a sacrifice play before getting your powers stripped away by another Consul, the fact you actually wait a whole month of in-universe time in your cell, with the day and night changing in accordance, while you do absolutely nothing, the fact that this is the characters’ absolute lowest point in the entire story, the score??? Like, straight up, good music is the most surefire way to tug on my heartstrings, and the background OST in this scene is absolutely excellent, just like in most of the game.

And just when you think the game has messed you up enough, you’re dragged, kicking and screaming, out into the castle pavilion, and forced to your knees as you watch Mio (who was currently on the last day of her life), escorted in front of her “queen”, before being slowly disintegrated to the tune of the beautiful flute music. The same flute music you’ve used throughout the entire game, the one that set dead soldiers spirits to rest with ease, the music you’ve used throughout gameplay so many times to boost colony affinity and make you stronger, is now used to deliver the most emotionally resonant scene in the game.

I’ll admit, it actually got me to shed a couple tears. Hell, even as I’m writing this I kinda wanna drop a couple more. Which is really impressive, I so very rarely actually cry at media. The only other thing I can recall right now where I consistently get choked up is Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, one of my most nostalgic movies of all time. That speaks volumes to me, on how great this scene is.

Even leading into Chapter 6 is cool, we get this trippy scene where Noah walks down these paths and find the history of his past lives and how they turned into the N and M Consuls and it’s just, kinda cool. It offers a new dimension to N’s character and, makes his turn to the villain side more understandable. Although, the entire time this happened I was thinking “wait, I’m not dead?”

You know, because a guy did just swing a sword down on Noah’s neck.

And then it’s revealed that, in a shocking turn of events, Mio isn’t actually dead. Except, she is dead. So like apparently Mio and Consul M switched bodies during the boss fight with her (because she can sort of control people’s movements), so the Mio that died was actually M, and the Consul was the Mio you were playing as up to this point. It’s honestly a pretty good use of the fakeout death trope, as there was actually a death so to speak, so it doesn’t feel like a cheap way to drum up emotions. I just wish M was a bit more of a character. But, it’s fine, she serves her purpose to get N super upset, and whatnot. Classic soundbite that I even heard used for a Mario Party edit on Twitter.

Then you fight robot Queen Nia and she explodes and, you have this decision on whether you wanna keep Mio’s hair long like the Consul, or short like it was for the rest of the game. I wanted to be fair, so I picked long. Sacrilege, I know, but I thought this would only be for like half the game. I was sort of right, because the second half was with long hair, but it only lasted like two chapters of in-game time. Weird how the post-game works.

But yeah, you actually go and find the real queens of these nations who you’ve been working under for most of your life, and yeah it’s obviously Melia and Nia from Xenoblade 1 and 2 respectively, the game’s marketing didn’t hide it that much, but it’s still a great callback regardless. You actually go and rescue Nia first, from this great castle in the sky. It’s a beautiful setting, you use the key to unlock her sleeping chamber, she wakes up, and

Bam, gets shot.

You start thinking the game is gonna pull another Chapter 5 ending on you, but nah. After giving the D some of your S and send him plummeting into the…sky?, along with Joran, it turns out Nia is still alive and just as feisty as ever. We don’t get any of her Welsh sarcasm, which is a shame, but it does lead to the great payoff to this whole stuffy talking bit I mentioned earlier.

Yadda yadda, exposition, you go on the equivalent of the Triforce Quest from Wind Waker before using the shards to modify your ship to break into the Ganon’s Castle Origin Sphere and stop the “endless now” these dumbass villains keep yammering on about. We get a real Avengers Endgame type moment where all the colonies team up to assault Origin as you blast your way through, annihilating all the enemies (which actually automatically aggro to you even if you don’t target them and you’re way over leveled, nice touch), rescue Melia by kicking the shit out of N and bringing things full circle by absorbing him like Mio absorbed M’s power, and having Ghondor and her mother Monica (the City’s leader) show up to help you deliver the wham bam thank you slam to Z. Interesting note, if you finished Eunie’s side story you actually fight an extra boss in the form of Consul X, who vanished after you finished the side story without defeating her. Needless to say, considering how much of a bitch she is, it’s very satisfying to lay the smackdown.

More exposition crap, and the final boss starts. This is more on the gameplay side, but I do find it kind of interesting how the boss strips away the Interlink mechanic you’ve become so reliant on for most of the game. The only other enemy that does this is the Conquering Kings superboss, so Z is at least unique in that regard. Unfortunately, the scenes of the characters seeing past events and having cheesy speeches to shatter the Interlink bonds are kind of cringe, but otherwise this final boss works really well. It’s cool how all the Heroes show up to help you out and even have tangible gameplay effects, it’s long enough to feel satisfying without dragging on for an eternity, and the music is pretty solid.

Once you beat Z he starts flipping the fuck out, N and M peace out of your bodies to have a wild three-way with him (source: trust me), and the universes start unmerging to return to how they were in the very beginning of the game. Oh yeah, game takes place pretty much in medias res, kinda neat. We get the last couple interactions from each Ouroboros pair, with Sena and Lanz remaining exercise buddies to the end, Taion giving his tea recipe to Eunie and being a little jelly that he’s not in the top 3 of her friends (never change, man), and Mio and Noah sharing a passionate kiss (for real). And then finally we snap back to the Keves trio (Riku isn’t in the new universe, sad!) in some kind of festival, and we hear some off-seer flute music. What that’s about, maybe the DLC campaign will resolve.

As the grand finale of the Xenoblade trilogy, 3 does a pretty decent job. There aren’t really any major twists or big reveals (at least, not any that you won’t see coming from a mile away), and the story doesn’t really get going until around Chapter 4 or 5 out of 7, but what the story does well, it arguably does better than either of the previous games. And the amount of callbacks is just right. Not so many that it overshadows the new elements present, but enough that it feels like a satisfying, cohesive end to the series as it is now. I compare it to Mega Man X5 and what it did for the X series, but Xenoblade 3 is a lot better of a game in general so, yeah.

Of course, that’s just the story of this video game, there is still gameplay to cover.

Functionally, this is a Xenoblade Chronicles game at its core, and if you’ve played either of the previous games you should be able to jump right in. The game is an action RPG with a massive open world, where you walk around, collect items, find landmarks to increase your EXP stores, battle monsters on the field to gain experience, fight unique monsters, increase affinity with all the different locations on the map to get extra side quests and field benefits, all that good shit. There are some differences, and some holdovers though.

Starting with the overworld stuff, not much has really changed from the previous games. You can still fast travel to a lot of different points on the map to speed up backtracking, you still pick up item orbs to use for things like gem crafting, food items, collectapaedia cards, etc., you still fill out the entire map upon finding every landmark in an area, you still have multiple usually nonlinear areas to explore (Keves Castle and Origin are pretty straightforward), all that jazz. There are a couple snags though.

For one, Xenoblade 3 carries over a kind of annoying feature from 2, where you have to use special skills in order to access parts of the overworld, kind of like a Metroidvania. In 2, this system was kind of annoying, as you needed to grind out certain blade to a high enough level to get the field skill to activate, and if you didn’t have the proper blade you’d have to go through gacha hell to get it. 3 mostly fixed this system by making the skills permanently usable once they were unlocked, limiting the number of skills down to 4, and making 3 of them unlocked through the story. However, it introduces a new issue by making previously standard abilities unlockable. As an example, you have to unlock the ability to climb vines. A standard feature since the first game in the trilogy, is now something you don’t get until you reach pretty much the end of the Fornis region (which is a decent ways through the game, mind you). As a result, because there are areas in previous parts of the world that require vine climbing, you have to backtrack to them to get the goodies.

I’m fine with this when it comes to new abilities, like zipline traversal, but having to wait to do a basic ability that was standard to the characters in the previous games feels like it just exists to add unnecessary backtracking. Again, the system works fine as it is, but I wish the unlockable abilities featured substantially different gameplay to justify their unlock status. The only ability that really fits in that camp is Segiri’s power to walk across poison. Unfortunately, this upgrade comes so late in the game, that by the time you unlock it it becomes underutilized. Only three areas in the entire game use some kind of poison hazard, so there was a lot of wasted potential here.

Speaking of landmarks, I feel like this game is kind of bad at pacing them out. These areas you explore are huge, arguably the biggest of any game in the series (Erythia Sea), but for the most part it feels like these areas are a little too spaced out for what the landmarks can offer on their own. In that sense, I’d argue it’s almost a necessity for convenience sake to go out and defeat the unique monsters, as their gravestones are also fast travel points. This speeds up the pace of moment-to-moment gameplay, but as you’ll discover when you go down the route of hero quests, taking out unique monsters early leads to its own problems in a scenario that could have very easily been tweaked. Still, the convenience of unique grave fast travel points makes it worth it.

As you go through the game, you’ll encounter several rest stop points, allowing you to do a variety of things, from gem crafting to cooking to level ups, to discussing current events with your party, to the (ultimately useless) act of cleaning clothes. These are a nice distraction, and in particular I do appreciate that all of these elements are found in these relatively consistent locations, which also function as fast travel points. In 2, level ups using bonus experience had to be done at specific inns, which were only found in the game’s towns. While I never had an issue skip traveling back to a town to go to the inn and level up, having these relegated to more common rest stop points is a nice improvement.

Gem crafting has also undergone a change. As opposed to the previous games, where you had to craft individual gems, and you had to craft gems of the same level and attribute multiple times if you wanted multiple characters to get the gem benefit, here a gem can be equipped multiple times to multiple characters when it’s crafted once, meaning you only have to craft a gem of a certain level 1 time to use its effects for every character simultaneously, if you want that. This speeds up farming for gem items exponentially, and makes reaching level 10 for all the gems far more convenient. It also helps there’s only 20 different gem types in this game, so the gem grinding process for completionists is far more streamlined.

Cooking essentially works like it did in 2. You make a food item, it gives you benefits. However, these benefits are far more pronounced and don’t factor into any sort of party affinity, which is my preferred way of handling things. Food offers elements like more experience, more class points, etc. And as mentioned earlier, the bug where food failed to activate its effects was patched out, so nom nom away. It’s not even a field skill anymore. You can even make onigiri with Sena (basically a requirement).

In terms of the colonies, they essentially serve the same purpose as the towns from the previous games. You can go there to get a bunch of quests, talk to NPCs to change their affinity and map out the global affinity relationship chart, buy items and equipment (although I personally found far more useful items from just exploring the environment), and soaking in the general atmosphere. Not much to say on the colonies themselves, but around them in the regions you explore, you’ll occasionally find the husks of dead soldiers from those colonies. If you get to them and play the off-seer tune, you’ll send them off, and boost the affinity you have with a specified colony. Sometimes you’ll get a massive pile of soldiers, which gives you even more affinity. However, this affinity boost only takes effect after destroying the Flame Clock for that specified colony, so make sure to get that done ASAP.

As another minor critique, I don’t really understand why they highlight Flame Clocks in a gameplay tutorial. It talks about how the flame clock measures the strength of the colony, but you pretty much stop having to deal with that by the end of chapter 1 for your party, and you never have enough battles with the temporary party members from each colony to feel a substantial drop in effectiveness. It’s not a major problem, just kind of confusing.

Although, on the note of tutorials, it does feel like the game has a problem with pacing out new abilities. Although, the problem is kind of the opposite of 2. In that game, you were thrown so many new mechanics at once it was hard to get adjusted to them. In 3, the mechanics are much better tutorialized, but it takes so long to unlock all of them. You legitimately get new major mechanics as far in as Chapter 6 out of, again, 7. And sometimes the game tutorializes things that didn’t need it, like the aforementioned vine climbing. I get that 2 had a tutorial problem, but this feels like too much course-correcting.

As for the areas you explore, they’re pretty memorable and fun to traverse. There’s still tons of secrets to find, chests to unlock (most of which containing equipment, money, and Nopon coins I’ll talk about later), Ferronis Hulks to discover to unlock more rest points and shops, and secret areas that give you tons of experience. So, not much to say there. It was fun to explore in the previous two games, and it’s still fun here. There is also light platforming, but it’s pretty basic stuff, just like the first two games. It does add some nice seasoning to the levels, though.

Of course, this is an RPG, and as such you will have to engage in battles eventually. Much like the first two games, battles take place in real time and start upon either an enemy attacking you, or you attacking them. Combat is still very similar to the previous games in the aspects of you using auto attacks to build up arts to deal more damage or activate special effects, using an art immediately after an auto attack or previous art to drastically shorten the time to complete the art, reviving characters by going up to them and hitting the proper button, and chain attacks. However, the combat is arguably the most changed aspect of the game as well.

In terms of the characters, it feels like sort of a hybrid between the first game and the second. Like the first game, the characters start out with specific roles, and are better suited for specific roles compared to others. You also only have the one party member doing combat, they aren’t assisted by any Blade equivalents. However, as a sort of middle ground with 2, you actually can have 7 party members out in combat at one time. At first, this seems pretty broken, given you can have so many more combat options at once. However, the game tweaks certain mechanics to balance things.

In the first two games, you could revive any character with any character by simply expending a bar from the chain attack gauge. However, in 3, the chain attack is now a singular bar, so you can’t expend any segments from it. The game is also divided into three different overall archetypes: Attacker, Defender, and Healer, and only the Healers are capable of reviving characters. This alters the nature of combat considerably, as now you have to micromanage your Healers and keep them on a steady balance of both healing allies and reviving the dead. Granted, there is an item you can buy from the Nopon store that allows you to revive characters with non-Healers, but it costs 99 golden nopon coins to do so, so make sure to spend wisely.

Thankfully, I feel the game works well with these new systems. The AI is very competent when it comes to who you assign as healers/revivers, and will generally always pick the character that’s best to revive at any given moment. I usually liked to stick two of my defenders as revivers, along with two healers, but that might be a little excessive with late game enemies.

In terms of the main combat, it works like you’d expect. The attackers are your primary damage dealers, the defenders draw aggro to them and have appropriately beefy life bars and defenses to keep enemies focused on them, and healers can both heal the allies and apply buffs/debuffs, but are somewhat frail and draw aggro to them as they heal, so you really wanna prioritize your kit for each character around those limitations. However, in addition to the six party members, you’re allowed to take one Hero character into battle with you. These Heroes also fall into one of the three archetypes, and said archetypes are divided into 20+ different classes. Ranging from the Incursor that relies on dealing huge damage with critical hits, the Lost Vanguard that hinges on drawing aggro and having the sturdiest physical bulk, or probably the most broken class in the game with the Signifier, which prioritizes buffing your allies every second (get Fiona and do her whole Hero Quest chain ASAP). Each Hero can also grant their class to the six main party members, in order for said party members to gain the same benefits as the Hero. However, each class goes up to level 10 (20 after doing the ascension quest for the Hero), and you do need to level them up. You level up by defeating enemies and getting class points, or by expending a certain amount of silver nopon coins, which are acquired from either chests or defeating unique monsters for the first time. I didn’t mention it before, but silver coins can also be used to speed up completing collectapaedia cards, which are useful for building affinity, if you don’t want to grind for the necessary items on the card.

So, needless to say, despite not having 12 individuals in battle at one time, the level of customization you can achieve is no less than it was in 2. There are so many ways you can go into a combat scenario, while still keeping things relatively simple. If you wanted, you could go into battle with nothing but 7 attackers, or 3 attackers/defenders and 1 healer, or anything else. It’s truly astounding how repayable the events are.

This is all without factoring in what I’d consider the biggest innovation to the combat system: at any time, you can hit the left button on the d-pad to activate your Ouroboros transformation, turning you and your Ouroboros partner into a massive mecha for a limited time. The Ouroboros state has 3 different levels, and you can increase your level by doing Fusion Arts. What are Fusion Arts? Well, you actually have two sets of arts, class arts and master arts. Class Arts are unique to specific classes and usually can only be used with that class, like the Glitter Stream art for Incursors. Master Arts, by contrasts, are arts from the classes that, when you level up the class, can be transplanted into the master art combat dock, allowing you to use their effects with a different class. Do you want to do Royal Summoner element summoning with the Incursor class? You can. Want to use a Signifier art with the Lone Exile class? Feel free. Again, more customization.

Anyway, you activate a Fusion art by holding down the ZR button and pressing the face button corresponding to a class art when both it and the master art of the same direction are fully charged. With that, you execute both arts simultaneously, increasing your interlink level. The interlink level, in turn, charges up your Ouroboros attacks, causing them to increase the master Ouroboros art gauge at a faster rate, in turn allowing you to do more master Ouroboros arts before you have to exit Ouroboros mode. Getting to level 3 Ouroboros even changes some of your moves. For example, Phantom Slash for Noah becomes an instant Break at level 3, very useful. Interlink Level also boosts the damage you deal the higher it goes, so it’s worth trying to get it to a high level. However, if you’re about to die, USE IT! The nice perk about Ouroboros is that while you’re in that state, neither character involved in the transformation takes any damage, so it’s a great crutch to rely on, especially when you’re about to die. Of course, this Ouroboros transformation does stop the involved characters from doing their normal arts, so you might miss out on healing with a specific character, for example. So, there is a risk involved. However, the Ouroboros have their own exclusive arts, and there’s one Ouroboros for each character, so you have a lot of versatility in these forms as well. You can do break-topple-launch combos, you can heal with Eunie’s form, you can use Liberty Wing to revive all the characters (very useful, trust me), or you can do ludicrous damage with Noah’s Phantom Slash and Unison Strike at level 3, before doing a Mega Spinning Edge or Origin Slash. Ouroboros Noah is basically your big damage dealer, let’s say, while Ouroboros Sena is a close second and really great for getting Master Arts in particular due to her rapid art cooldown. Ouroboros Lanz is the best tank, Ouroboros Eunie is the best healer, Ouroboros Mio is…pretty worthless, honestly, and Ouroboros Taion is just okay.

And finally, we have chain attacks, which have been completely retooled from last time. In 2, you had to use elemental blade combos to stack elemental orbs on the target, the element being the last element in your combo, and you used driver combos like break-topple-launch-smash to extend the duration of elemental arts to make it easier to land the combo. Then, when you activate the chain attack, you hit the elemental orbs with the opposing element to break them and extend the duration of the chain attack.

This time around, the driver combos serve a different purpose. The smash combo essentially decreases the amount of time it takes for the enemy to enter its desperation rage mode if it has one, and honestly, after 231 hours, I still don’t see any benefit to this. The damage dealt is pitiful, and if anything it seems like more of a hindrance, as it’s less time before the boss starts dealing heavy hits to you. By contrast, the break-topple-daze-burst combo is far more useful, as it actually takes the enemy out of their rage mode temporarily. Trust me, for Kilocorn Grandeps this is basically required to win.

So then, how do the actual chain attacks work? Well, you fill up the chain attack bar by executing auto-attacks and art canceling, and when you enter it, every party member currently alive takes part in the attack. So, it’s best to activate the move before an enemy kills your party member.

Each of the three roles has a special function in the chain attack, and it all ties into two concepts: the technical point system, and round management. Each character is assigned a specific amount of technical points, usually relating to their overall intellect level. For example, Taion and Noah have the highest of the six main members, while Sena and Lanz have the lowest, with Eunie and Mio chilling at a cool 25. When you start a round, you can activate one of three chain attack orders, each one finishing with the designated order character doing an attack flurry before activating a special bonus. For example, Taion’s lowers enemy physical defense by 50 points, while Sena’s and Noah’s are designed to either make attacks unblockable or bypass enemy defense, ensuring that your attacks deal the maximum damage they would normally. How do you activate these Ouroboros orders? You need to get to 100 TP, which you do by selecting one of the seven characters and executing one of their arts. When you do, you not only add that character’s TP to the TP gauge, but you also add extra TP by meeting special conditions, like making sure your character’s role and the chain attack role are the same archetype, or making sure the attack isn’t blocked. TP ties into the attackers and healers, with the attacker getting an extra 125% more TP when they’re the first to act in an order, and healers capping the TP at 99% if they aren’t the seventh Hero party member, allowing you to execute a massive TP attack from the maximum possible starting value. This is crucial, as you actually have three different levels you can finish the order at. 100%-149% is good, 150%-199% is bravo, and 200%+ is amazing, with these three stages determining how many of your party members are usable for the next order. Yes, as you use a party member, most of the time they will be unavailable for the next order and most of the rest of the chain attack, unless you get a high enough TP…or use a Defender as the last character in your chain attack, at which point that character is guaranteed to come back.

When you combine all these systems together, and especially late in the game, you can easily score some pretty damn high TP values and rack up the damage. Use an incursor to deal a side critical hit to get a good baseline, use a healer to get the TP up to the 90-99% range, and then bring it home with a solid defender (I like using Lone Vanguard Taion for this with either shield bash or aggro draw), and you’ll easily rack up at least a Bravo to Amazing every single time. This is important, because it’s used to determine how many rounds you go. If you’re consistent with bravos and amazings, you can actually go 4 rounds baseline without raising the gauge again, which in particular is useful to activate Ouroboros orders.

If you manage to get the chain attack to cycle through the chain attack orders of two members in an Ouroboros pair, their Ouroboros Order will appear as one of the three orders you can pick. An Ouroboros order delivers a very powerful attack and after-effect, but it immediately ends the chain attack, so you need to be careful on when you use it. However, if you skip out on the Ouroboros order for another order, that original OO doesn’t appear in the next round, so be cautious. You can also start out with an Ouroboros Order if you enter the chain attack as an Ouroboros level 3, actually allowing you to do both Ouroboros Orders for a pair in one chain attack. It is somewhat useful early game, but by the time you reach the late game and the superbosses, the damage really falls off, and it’s better to just stick with acquiring the Ouroboros Order in the attack itself.

Going back to the Heroes, they also have exclusive abilities that tie into the chain attack, and their own chain attack orders, which can be pretty strong under the right circumstances. Some are kind of situational, like Valdi’s in-order command to boost his TP by 50 against any machine, and some are pretty strong, like Ashera’s in-order increasing the TP to 200% amazing when she’s the member to get over 100% TP, or Fiona boosting the TP of all active party members by 125 or 150% when she activates her in-order. But the chain attack orders for the Heroes are where they really shine, like Valdi granting massive healing, Monica bringing back an extra character, or (continuing her pattern) Fiona’s being the most busted and raising the chain attack gauge, more often than not just flat-out giving you an extra chain attack order. This shit is broken, leading to even more damage with the right combos, often going anywhere between 2 to 4 million damage on average. I’ve even seen the numbers go to 4 HUNDRED million with the right setup which is…yeah.

When combining all these mechanics together, you can certainly rack up a lot of damage with the chain attacks. However, I do feel like there is a little bit of a repetitive dominant strategy with chain attacks, as once you figure out a pattern that works for you, you can pretty much use it for every chain attack and get roughly similar results. This didn’t happen much in 2, where I felt like every chain attack was different because of the vast variety of blade combos, and I felt more obliged to experiment with different blades in order to get different combos, more elemental orbs, and more chain attack damage. There is a lot of customization with the 3 chain attacks, of course, but I did miss the greater versatility of 2’s.

And now for all the shit that I didn’t know where to fit in earlier:

Soulhacker is a cool idea in theory, letting you steal an enemy’s unique art to use for yourself. In practice, though, while it can be really powerful, I’m not a fan of having to grind for some of the arts to master them, and I REALLY am not a fan of how, if you defeat a unique monster before getting soulhacker, you have to go back and refight the unique monster with a soulhacker in your MAIN party (Having Triton as your Hero and no other soulhackers doesn’t count, what the fuck). I don’t really get what this adds. I already defeated the unique monster, I proved that I can overcome it. Forcing me to refight it is, again, unnecessary backtracking.

Water combat still sucks, and unlike 1 and 2 there’s a greater emphasis placed on it. You move slow, and as such you’re actually at a disadvantage against the enemy when it comes to healing. Against normal mooks this is fine, but against the unique monsters I felt like I needed to be 5-10 levels above them just to win, especially against the Whirlpool Triumvirate and the Seal Brothers.

While it is great that you can explore areas way beyond your current level at any time, find landmarks in them, and get the overpowered items and bonus experience for that point in the game, I really don’t get why the option to level down your characters is reserved for the post-game. Granted, this is at least better than 2, where you could ONLY do it on new game+, but come on. Just patch in the option to level down at any time, please.

Unlocking Nią and Melia as Heroes was so fucking sick thank you game. Can’t wait for the new DLC Heroes.

I appreciated the option to have your character in any outfit for any class. Noah’s starting outfit has really cool drip and I probably should do a whole playthrough in that outfit at some point. I also dislike Yumsmith on Sena so, glad I could change it.

The game does have a hard mode, and I do really appreciate that, but patch in a Bringer of Chaos-esque difficulty at some point just because.

None of the characters are quite as good as Morag or Zeke but hey, still a pretty good cast.

The final boss is visually pretty neat, moreso than Artifice Aion. The bosses in general are pretty good, a lot of them having unique gimmicks like shackling healing, blocking, having sleep spells, negating interlink, etc., that makes them fun to fight. Although, Consul Y in particular is kind of a really big difficulty spike for the main story, as he’s such a massive damage sponge, to the point that even when I surpassed him in levels by a decent amount on hard mode, I could not beat him in the final area without using max level classes with the characters. Considering I was trying to grind class points, was kind of disappointing.

The issue of the chain attack music overwriting the battle themes is there, but I mostly circumvented it due to my approach of saving chain attacks for the end for most of the game to take advantage of the overkill bonus. When you kill an enemy during a chain attack, for the rest of the attack you build up an experience multiplier, and when the attack ends that multiplier gets tacked onto your EXP and CP earned from the battle. This is much more pronounced with unique monsters, so if you want to grind, I’d suggest waiting for the post game, downgrading to level 92, and fighting the Agnian unique monster near Agnus Castle. At least, that’s how I did it.

Speaking of spongy, the final super boss was kind of annoying. It did take me two tries, and about 27 minutes on the final attempt. And that was the easiest version of it, I dread imagining how much grinding and time it would take for the level 200 version on Hard. I am just not good enough to replicate the strategies in videos yet. Maybe I’ll do it as like a personal challenge at some point.

Seeing Vandham’s ancestor was neat.

The discussion mechanic is a cool idea, but in practice it just led to a bunch of running around each of the colonies, trying to find the specific NPCs at specific times who had the discussion prompt over their head. It doesn’t help that many of these prompts don’t actually lead to quests, and some discussion prompts require multiple eavesdrops to fully unlock them. They are a cute way to build up the world, but the experience benefits they give you are puny and not worth going after, so it’s just a big waste of time as you try to find the actual quest important discussions. It’s also important to note that some quests straight up won’t activate without finishing other discussion based quests, which is annoying. I just wish the next Xenoblade game cuts the fat and makes every quest available at any time. Thankfully, there are no timed quests, which I appreciate.

Holy shit why is Erythia Sea so big and empty for a lot of it-

Poppi coming back in her base form was really cute and an interaction I’m glad we got to see, a nice sort of epilogue to Poppi and Mythra’s convo in Rhadamanthus Station/World Tree.

Melia has unique dialogue when you go into her room in Keves Castle that’s so adorable, also that shit is really well hidden like, goddamn.

Supply drops are kinda neato burrito, wouldn’t mind seeing a mechanic like this again.

Why can’t you use gold coins to boost class levels, only silver. Doesn’t make sense to me, just make the cost smaller for the gold coins if they’re more rare.

I…think that’s it, until the DLC comes out. In terms of final thoughts, this game is really great. The story is engaging with a likable cast of characters, the core Xenoblade gameplay is as solid as ever, with some notable improvements from 1 and 2, the environments are fun to traverse through, the combat feels like a nice medium between the more simple 1 and the more versatile 2, the tutorialization is handled better, the bosses are fun (albeit kind of spongey), and there’s just a lot of charm and polish. There are a few minor annoyances, but nothing that stopped me from wanting to see the game through. And this game is long, like I mentioned, I got 231 hours in and still haven’t finished all the Collectapaedia cards (even though 1 or 2 were bugged) or all the gem crafting, and I have yet to level up all the classes for each party member or do New Game+. But I’ll prolly save all those for the DLC.

As for where it ranks on the Xenoblade totem, I think it’s probably better than 1, but I might like 2 slightly more due to more time spent with the game, and enjoying the combat slightly more once I got into the groove with it. Granted, 2 is not perfect, having a worse English dub and bad tutorials and bad scenes in general, but when it hits, it hits a little harder than 3 I’d say. Still, 3 is a solid end to the trilogy, and I’d highly recommend it, even as a standalone. You benefit from playing the other 2, but it works great as its own story, and that’s to be commended.

Anyway, think that’s all for rn. Catch you later.

Obito Uchiha vs Lord Garmadon: Smackdown!

Forests near Konohagakure, 12:34…

Today, the deities above had decided it would be the most spectacular day in many months. The skies were swept clean of any clouds, as the sun shone like a gold coin in the azure sea. The heat was toned down from its blistering highs in the summer, and the light dappled the tree leaves just so. The entire forest gleamed, alight with a fire that left no burns.

Even the lakes were the perfect shade of crystalline sapphire, untouched by rampaging wildlife. It was perfect.

…Almost.

The only blemish in the perfect vista was a mid-length figure, clad in a black cloak. The garment was patterned with red clouds, the trademark symbol of the criminal organization Akatsuki. Much like the other members, he too had a distinctive trait, an orange spiraling mask with a single perforation to allow his piercing gaze to penetrate his targets.

Not many knew his past, and no one knew his true identity outside of a…certain man of legend. So, he was simply Tobi of the Akatsuki, taking a walk to clear his thoughts.

And then he felt the need to break the silence.

“Aw, maaaaaaannn…Kakuzu and Hidan, really going and screwing things up. I mean, they had the one job of beating those ninja brats of Konoha, and they couldn’t even get that right. I shoulda known this kind of incompetency would happen when I joined up. Really putting all the pressure on the new guy to pick up the slack, that’s just perfect.”

The masked ninja shrugged as he stepped over a pile of logs, crushing several fallen pine needles underfoot.

“Of course, when the plan all comes together, none of it will matter. The world will be forever changed, and no one will have the ability to fail again. The path to success and dreams will forever remain unbroken, and light will fall on every corner of this world. Then…”

Tobi’s monologue was cut short, as his ears picked up on the sound of footsteps and the crunch of shattered leaves. Quickly, he hid himself in the undergrowth, and listened.

From out of the bush came another figure. He was significantly shorter than the average man, but what was most startling was the shape of his figure. His entire body was black as night, and his head was adorned with an equally black samurai helm. His body was stranger still, a mass of ripped clothing and exposed skin showing his endoskeleton, and four arms stretching out from his torso.

“‘Yeesh, and I thought…actually no, I haven’t come across anyone that ugly yet. But he’s a pretty high bar.'” Tobi pondered.

The newcomer’s legends were quite well-known in the farther reaches of the world, beyond the scope of the ninja information network. On the island of Ninjago, he was known as the Lord of Shadows, master of the Skulkin army, slayer of the Great Devourer, brother of Sensei Wu, and father of the Green Ninja of prophecy.

Carrying the blood of the first Spinjitzu Master, Lord Garmadon was not one to be trifled with.

But for the past several months, the lord had no interest in continuing to tread down the path of darkness. His past actions weighed upon him further with each passing day, and nothing in his pale heart spoke out to offer suggestions of redemption. 

And yet…

“I cannot pass on yet. There must be something, some grand final hurrah that the great Lord Garmadon can perform to mark my place in history, on either side! Brother, son, Misako…I wish you could guide me.”

“‘Misako? Could that be his…special one?'”

Suddenly, Garmadon halted. He glossed over the crushed pine needles, and then the very faint imprints in the grass leading to a nearby bush.

His eyes then trailed upwards, feeling the warm light dance across his skin for a moment. Briefly, he was reminded of his lost humanity, and believed that he could return to his life before the Great Devourer poisoned his soul.

Reality wasted no time in slapping the dark lord down to earth, and tilting the sun to cast shadows instead. 

“Ah, well…back to skulking around, completely innocent…”

As Garmadon strode past a nearby oak tree, he suddenly reeled around and delivered a swift kick, knocking a bush aside and revealing the hidden Tobi within.

“After dealing with some unwanted intrusions.”

Tobi flipped backwards and stood up, dusting off his shroud and fixing Garmadon with an unflinching gaze.

“Very nice, didn’t expect you to catch me there. Of course, I did leave enough clues, clumsy me.”

“Who asked you to hunt me down? Was it Wu and his Spinjitzu pupils? Ninjago City?”

“No, no…I’m more of a free agent, you see. Just scoping out the landscape for a little, get-together I’m planning.”

“Hmph, very well. I’ll leave you to it, then.”

Garmadon turned to leave, only to find the stranger miraculously in front of him, jamming a kunai in his face.

“‘How did he-?'”

“I’m sorry, but well…you’ve seen me around. Can’t risk the chance of ruining the surprise with you, say…mouthing off to the Hokage.”

“Ho-what-ay?”

“Wait, hang on, you aren’t working with the ninja here?”

“I am Lord Garmadon! I work alone, now and forever! If you leave me be, we will never cross paths again if I can help it.”

“If only it were that simple…”

“Hmm?”

“Lord…Garmadon, was it? I heard a bit of your monologuing earlier. I can tell you’re a bit of a lonely soul, aimlessly wandering, trying to find your purpose. Stop me if I’m missing something.”

“…”

“You even have family you’ve left behind, disgusted by your actions. That’s okay! I feel you, your struggles. You and I, we’re like two shuriken in a weapon belt.”

“Don’t you DARE…mmm…don’t you dare, try to compare our lives.”

“But it’s true…more than you could imagine.”

“So, you believe you truly understand the depths I sank to for power? For the ability to defy destiny? Then prove it.”

“Ah…now you’ve got me confused.”

“You seemed intent on finishing me a few moments ago. Time to back up your claims, and face me in a battle to the end. When our souls meet in combat, that is when you will truly understand me. And I, you.”

“You’ve got a flair for the theatric, don’t you? That’s fine…”

As Garmadon blinked, Tobi was millimeters away from his face, his eye warping and shifting.

“I’ll end you quickly. You, and your pretentious belief you understand me.”

Garmadon attempted to push Tobi away, only for his hands to suddenly phase right through, and then the rest of his body with it.

“What the-“

Before the Spinjitzu master could react, Tobi spun around and chopped down on Garmadon’s back, knocking the tyrant to the floor with a harsh thud.

“Oh, sorry, I think I accidentally dodged your attack, there. Wanna give it another go?” Tobi sneered, his hand outstretched.

“Wow, thanks!” Garmadon replied, his hand outstretching and reaching for his foe, only for his hand to phase through again, bringing the lord face to face with the earth once again.

“Pfthwap…well, at least it tasted better the second time.” Garmadon mused, before performing a breakdance kick to dodge Tobi’s next strike and get back to his feet.

“‘So, he has the ability to phase through my attacks? Maybe he’s a ghost…but then, that kick felt quite real. He must be able to control when he’s intangible, and when he’s not. I just need to find the tells…'”

“Trying to figure out how to hit me?”

Tobi materializing right next to Garmadon sent the lord of darkness reeling backwards in shock, an opportunity the shinobi quickly capitalized on with a punch to the stomach.

As Garmadon doubled over in pain, Tobi leaned down and whispered “You won’t.” into his ear, before performing a roundhouse kick to send Garmadon sprawling for a third time.

The former Skulkin commander dragged himself to his feet, coughing up a few dregs of blood from the abuse.

“‘Fighting with honor is getting me nowhere…time to go back to my roots.'”

Springing into the air, Garmadon flitted to a nearby tree branch, and kicked the trunk to release a cascade of leaves. Then he jumped around and smacked the other trees in rapid succession, releasing a veritable leaf tornado that encompassed the entire arena.

Tobi’s view was instantly shrouded by falling greenery, his eyes darting around to try and find his target. He was just about to look through a hole outsi-

WHAM!

A large mass slammed into the shinobi, the first good hit landed the entire battle, before it swooped back into the trees. The Akatsuki rookie barely had time to process the events before-

SMACK!

Another hit landed cleanly on Tobi’s mask, purposefully aimed away from where he’d been struck last, and where he was phasing out of reality. The crack formed was small, but it was progress.

“How does it feel, knowing you’re being outsmarted by your superior?” Garmadon taunted, bouncing from tree to tree and preparing for his next strike.

“Don’t count your toads before they’ve croaked, old man.” Tobi muttered, his eye twitching wildly as it surveyed the area.

From about five feet to the left and 50 feet above, the shinobi could feel the dark energy of his opponent, about to strike him once again.

And as Garmadon reeled back his fist, expecting to strike true once more, he unexpectedly found his arm passing right through, allowing Tobi to use his free hand to grab Garmadon by the face and slam him, hard, into a nearby stone, leaving behind a sickening crunch sound that reverberated through the woods. 

“Ugh…how did you-gah!”

Tobi picked Garmadon up by the face once more, until they were eye to eye.

“My eyes are rather unique, you see. I can see eeeeeeeeverything you try to do. You could call it my own sort of magic, I suppose.”

With that, Tobi threw Garmadon into a sturdy tree, instantly felling it with the force of the strike. With a leisurely gait, the masked missing-nin strode across the grass to his “defeated” foe.

“Oh, how very weak of you, ‘Lord’ Garmadon. You want to fight me, and you can’t even commit for more than a few minutes? How pathetic, for a supposed champion of darkness and destruction. I’ve seen genins more skilled than you!”

As Tobi prepared to deliver the death blow, Garmadon snapped up and flashed a wide smirk.

“Ninjaaaa-GO!” 

From the darkest pits of the Realm of Madness, Garmadon’s art of Spinjitzu was reborn, turning the four-armed warrior into a rapidly rotating engine of destruction. With every revolution, he delivered a swift strike to Tobi’s body, the Kamui unable to keep up with the blinding speed of Spinjitzu as it left several cuts on the Akatsuki cloak.

One final twist sent Tobi careening back into the bushes, allowing Garmadon to slow down and catch his breath.

“Oh…oh, I’m getting too old for this.” 

Learning his lesson from before, Garmadon was more cautious when approaching his foe this time, unsheathing his blade and preparing to stab into the heart.

But just before he could pierce the bush with his sword, he heard the faint sound of hands clapping together repeatedly, before-

“FIRE STYLE-GREAT FIREBALL!”

A massive blazing comet surged out of the underbrush and slammed into the lord of darkness, searing his flesh and leaving behind several scorch marks as he was blasted to the ground. Some of the sparks even caught fire on the grass, increasing the intensity of the maelstrom with each second.

As the embers licked at Garmadon’s sides, Tobi leapt to his feet once more, patches of his skin showing through the holes in his cloak and mask.

“So, it appears you were hiding a few secrets from me after all!” Garmadon noted, holding his arm as he stood up. “But if you expect to defeat me, you have to stop holding back sooner, rather than later.”

“For once, we share the same opinion.” Tobi grunted, as he disappeared in a vacuum spiral right before Garmadon’s eyes.

He reappeared immediately behind his enemy, with another kunai cocked at Garmadon’s neck.

“Try to keep up.”

Garmadon attempted Spinjitzu again, but this time Tobi’s Sharingan had completed its analysis of the move, and allowed the shinobi to pinpoint the exact position to grab to immediately stop the technique. 

With his foe paralyzed, Tobi delivered a brutal series of jabs to the midsection, before performing a sweeping kick that unbalanced Garmadon, and following up with a double-handed palm strike straight into the ribs, smirking as he heard a satisfying crunch on impact.

The last hit blasted Garmadon straight through the burning copse, knocking over an entire swath of maple trees and fern stalks, before finally colliding with the ground and rolling headfirst into a massive boulder.

Satisfied with his handiwork, Tobi prepared to leave, but the very faint grunts in the distance interrupted his plans.

“Shoulda figured, he’s a tough nut to crack. Lets me ride out this for awhile longer, though. Deidara was supposed to meet me here, lazy bastard…”

Garmadon was…not faring as well. His blood felt like acid, his bones were falling apart, and even getting to his knees took what felt like eternity. But, at last, he did manage to right himself, and stare into the fires he came out of, now smothering the entire forest in dancing embers.

He didn’t move. He had nothing to gain by running until the advantage was his. And he had an idea that might tip the scales, if everything played out just so…

Patiently, he waited for Tobi’s arrival, confident he would either appear behind, or immediately in front. His theory was quickly proven correct, as he saw the vacuum spiral appear about 5 feet away, opposing him.

“How predictable.”

This time, as Tobi phased back into reality and prepared to deliver a swift chop, Garmadon sidestepped, pushed the blow aside, and delivered a hard uppercut into the shinobi’s jaw with his lower right arm, knocking the enemy into the air. But he wasn’t done, grabbing hold of Tobi’s arms with his upper arms before delivering a rapid-fire series of jabs that elicited pained grunts, before throwing Tobi upwards and landing a double uppercut into the torso that sent him further skyward.

“I think I can keep up well enough.” Garmadon echoed, as Tobi fell face-first into a tree branch, before falling limp to the ground. 

“‘He’s in position, time for the fun to begin…'”

This time, it was Tobi who coughed up blood that stained the inside of his mask, making everything warm and sticky, and obscuring his vision in a sea of red. But still, he could make out Garmadon striding towards him, a malicious grimace plastered across his visage.

“Not as fun when you’re on the losing half, is it? Perhaps now, the gulf between us is painfully clear. And you, my inept friend, are what’s referred to as a loser. Loser in life, and probably in love too-“

“SILENCE!” Tobi roared, pulling back his fist and preparing to launch a punch, only for his body to tense up and freeze immediately, blocking any movements.

“Wh-what have you-“

Garmadon simply let out a spine-chilling cackle, letting the laugh drag out before facing the shinobi.

“Looks like I touched a nerve there. Maybe we are alike after all. I mean, you and I both seem to have girl troubles.”

“But yes, about your predicament…you see, I don’t actually exist.”

“Eh?”

“Ah, what I mean is that I’m not ‘living’ in the same way you are. I am merely a shadow. Sometimes, it causes problems. But shadows also have a far reach…”

Tobi looked down, and felt sheer horror as his own shadow, cast by the fading sunlight, contorted and reshaped itself into an exact clone of Garmadon, restraining him.

“And so comes the end of the great…what was your name again?”

“Tobi.”

“Tobi. You should know never to underestimate a Spinjitzu master.”

Surprisingly, Tobi began chuckling. Soon it escalated into full-on laughter, throwing his head back.

“Wha…why are you laughing?! Stop laughing!!”

Soon, Tobi ceased, and stared at Garmadon once more.

“Oh, I’m sorry. My mistake. I was treating you like a child, because you so obviously lack any competency in battlefield tactics.”

“You’re restrained by my shadow and I’m about to kill you, and you criticize my tactics?”

“Yes. You claim that I shouldn’t underestimate you, and yet you have committed a cardinal sin by underestimating me. You believe you’ve seen the extent of my ‘bag of tricks’, when really…”

Tobi leaned in close.

“I’m only scratching the surface.”

Without warning, Tobi disappeared into a puff of smoke, and in his place was a common moss-covered log.

“Impossible!”

Garmadon looked around, but couldn’t react fast enough before a hand pierced straight through his chest, and a cold sweat fell down his back.

“Substitution jutsu. As if I’d ever let you get the upper hand for even a moment.”

A stabbing pain shot through Garmadon’s body, as life began draining from his cells.

“I’ve just phased through your body, and systematically destroyed your organs one by one. Your life will cease to continue in a few seconds, and no one will be any wiser. Goodbye, ‘Master’ Garmadon.” Tobi mocked, spitting out extra venom in his last words, before ripping his hand out and leaving a gargantuan hole in the warrior’s stomach.

Then, for good measure, the Akatsuki member raised his foot to crush Garmadon’s head into pulp. But yet again, Tobi took too long, and Garmadon’s regenerative prowess kicked in fast enough to heal the lost organs and flesh.

Just before Tobi kicked down, Garmadon grabbed his foot and flipped into the air, before transitioning into a brutal stomp into Tobi’s back…

…only for Tobi to disappear once more, this time in a puff of smoke.

“More substitutes and decoys, to hide your cowardly nature!” 

“Yes, but at least give me credit.” A voice sounded from all around, echoing through the trees.

“At least I’m creative with them, that was a bunshin jutsu to make clones. You see, totally different.”

“A shadow clone…hey, you stole that from my playbook!”

“If you can’t beat them…”

Tobi suddenly appeared above Garmadon, fist reared back.

“Join them, in hell!”

Tobi slammed down on Garmadon’s head, knocking his skull into the ground, before grabbing his stomach and disappearing with him into another vacuum spiral.

(stop music)

Kamui dimension…

In a desolate, black void, a lone white platform stretched endlessly across the abyss, disappearing into the aether on both sides.

It was in the center of this structure that Tobi rematerialized alongside the lord of darkness, throwing him onto the floor with the grace of an empty suitcase.

“Ohhh…my head…” 

Garmadon sat up, and looked around.

“No…NO! You brought me back here, to the Underworld!?”

“Afraid not. This is my own personal dimension of sorts, Kamui.”

Garmadon took another look around.

“Now that you mention it, it is a lot less…squishy, and dank than I’m used to.”

“I hope you like it here, because you’re going to be acquainted with this place for a long…LONG, time. Hasta la vista, Garmadon.”

Tobi began to disappear, but his arrogance caused him to waste too much time waving goodbye, allowing Garmadon the crucial moment he needed to run and slam into Tobi’s frame, knocking him backwards and causing the spiral to vanish.

“‘He didn’t phase through that…maybe he couldn’t! Maybe that’s the secret!”

“I know your weakness now, worthless dog!”

Tobi turned, his eye filled with hate.

“Whenever you phase, this must be where you end up. So, if you’re already in the place you go to when you phase, then nothing happens! Your greatest strength, now your greatest weakness! The hubris you displayed, bringing me here, leaving me to die…it will be your undoing!”

Tobi attempted to vanish again, only for Garmadon to start kicking him in the stomach repeatedly. Over and over, Garmadon’s hard, blocky foot jammed itself into Tobi’s flesh, leaving painful imprints all over, even causing blood to start pouring out.

“Do you yield?”

Tobi started coughing, his mask beginning to crumble from the relentless assault, and tried to stand up.

“Yes…I will take you back.”

Wary, Garmadon put his hand on Tobi’s shoulder, and readied himself for the journey back. In total concentration, Tobi began the warping process.

As the two sped along the dimensional byway, Tobi turned, the cracked bottom part of his mask falling away to reveal a wide smile.

“Don’t you dare-“

“Oh, don’t worry. We’ve reached your stop.”

And with that, Tobi kicked out and knocked Garmadon away, leaving the ruler of shadows to fall into the pits of oblivion.

“Ahahaha, good bye!” Tobi remarked, as he turned away to focus on the rest of the escape. What he wasn’t prepared for was-

“NINJAAAAGOOO!”

“Not again…”

Indeed, it was him. The former ruler of the Underworld was rocketing back up, riding his helmet for balance and levitation as he used Spinjitzu to escape the darkness.

“HrrrRRAGGH!” Garmadon roared, primal fury escaping his lips as he delivered a powerful sucker punch to Tobi’s face, completely shattering what was left of the mask as the two tumbled into a bright light.

…

When his bloodshot eyes finally adjusted to the new world, Garmadon looked around and saw…he was back in the burning woods.

Annnnnnnnd he ended up sitting on a flaming log.

“Oh, wow, that’s quite a warm sensation. Actually, it’s pretty toasty. Nope, getting hotter, bit too hot, kind of burning, SWEET SPINJITZU MASTER ABOVE, GET IT OFF!”

Garmadon tried rolling around in the grass to get rid of the heat, only to remember that the grass was on fire too.

“YEOWWWW!” 

Garmadon ran around, coated in flames, until at last he saw a muddy stream through the smoke. His life flashing before his eyes, Garmadon made a break for the water, throwing himself in at full speed with a splash that doused the files in a 50 foot radius.

“Covered in muck, scum, and charred flesh. Ah, it really IS like the Land of Madness.”

After drying himself off, Garmadon looked around, and saw a familiar sight: His current nemesis.

Unmoving.

“Well, well…look at that. All the effort you went through, and I’m still king of the hill. It’s quite sad, really, how you fester and wallow in your own failure. It suits you, Tobi.”

As if these words had roused his spirit, Tobi stirred, and began propping himself on one knee and his quivering arms.

“And yet, you continue! I would applaud your courage, if it wasn’t so mired in stupidity.”

Slowly, Tobi turned his face, the last vestiges of his mask crumbling away and revealing his true face. 

He was fair-skinned, with a shock of black hair, and eyes fitted with the same Mangekyo Sharingan. He would have been handsome to most, if not for the marred side of his face, a grim reminder of an accident long ago.

“I’m not…Tobi…”

Garmadon simply crossed his arms, shaking his head in amusement.

“Then enlighten me. What IS the true identity of the maniac behind the mask?”

With closed eyes, the nameless man answered-

“OBITO UCHIHA.”

His face transfixed into a dark scowl, Obito widened his eyes and released a ripple of powerful energy, sending shockwaves that pierced Garmadon’s brain and latched into his spinjitzu energy receptors.

“Uchiha, pah. Is that supposed to strike fear into my soul? Any lineage pales when compared to that of the Garmadon bloodline! And to prove it, I will show the difference in ability between us.”

Garmadon raced forward, throwing a punch with minimal weight behind it. As he expected, Obito once more vanished into an inky black cloud.

Wait.

“Black cloud?”

Garmadon swung behind him, but there was nothing there.

“‘It’s different from that technique before…'”

“How observant of you.”

The voice boomed out from everywhere, and yet it all seemed concentrated from one place. It was softer than a whisper, yet emitted more sound than a thousand screaming children. It was coarse as sandpaper, and smooth as silk. Contradictions, and unification, all threatening to erase Garmadon.

“Accept your helplessness. Your weakness. Your destiny. I have toyed with you, let you have the smallest glimpses of victory, just for this moment. To break you, and your spirit. Now, you can sacrifice yourself, and offer what little vestiges of strength you have to me.”

The world dissolved into a flock of ravens, swirling like a tornado. Then the ravens turned to fiery phoenixes, with talons made of dark matter. Then the phoenixes reshaped into dragons, with scales decorated by thousands of screaming faces. The landscape kept shifting, from a smoldering hell, to freezing mountain peaks, to an acidic swamp.

Dozens of apparitions in the shape of Obito’s mask swirled around the lord of darkness, encroaching with every second, all marked with glowing eyes that kept Garmadon locked in place, unable to defend himself.

“This…this is all a trick! Your illusions can’t fool me, Obito! I will seek vengeance!”

“Fool. My ‘illusions’, as you call them, are more than just simple party tricks. They can bring your deepest nightmares to life, and make you relive them for eternity. I control the passage of your life, when it ends, and how painful that end will be. In this world, I am God.”

The floor opened up beneath Garmadon, and he began falling into a never-ending pit. Around him, the demons of Ninjago appeared-Serpentine generals he had banished to the Cursed Realm, the sinful influence of the Overlord, even the lingering curses of Master Chen, forever marking him as a traitorous snake, and a pathetic excuse for a brother.

The world continued to grow darker and more cold, and the dim light in Garmadon’s soul became more of a flickering spark.

Yet, Garmadon didn’t move. To an outsider, it would seem as if he had already given up, and chose to let the Preeminent take him. But…

“If you are ‘God’, then…I will abandon faith! I will take the road beyond heaven, and become the supreme overlord! Not only of Ninjago, but of creation itself! The world will shake as it hears the name of LORD GARMADON!”

A black fire began erupting from Garmadon’s skin, spreading across his body until he was enveloped in pure midnight darkness.

“I tried to follow the path of redemption. I tried to do every minuscule thing I could, to right the wrongs I’ve committed. But you forced me to look deep within myself, to see my greatest sins face-to-face. You forced me to accept my inner demons, and embrace then once more. You want to drown me in despair? DO YOU, OBITO!? Then I will dig even deeper! I will use your black illusions…TO OBLITERATE YOU!”

With that, Garmadon let loose an anguished scream, his aura flaring out for miles in the empty void. The shadows themselves seemed to cower at Garmadon’s power, shrinking back and revealing…a door?

Garmadon strode towards the exit, forcing away all the pitiful nightmare creatures with the magnitude of his power. The light enveloped the chosen warrior as he passed through into the outside world.

Outside the genjutsu, Obito was preparing to correctly finish Garmadon off this time. He had set several explosive tags all over Garmadon’s body, rigged with a toad oil fuse.

“With any luck, this’ll blow him into so many pieces he won’t ever come back together.” 

As his preparations completed, Obito performed a series of hand gestures, sucked in a breath, and blew another Great Fireball jutsu to ignite the fuse. The inferno followed the trail, its target mere seconds away from annihilation, when-

Garmadon’s eyes blinked, and refocused. Just in time to see the oil trail light its last dregs, and prepare to explode!

“NINJAAAAGO!” Garmadon roared, defiant, as his body once more took on the form of a twister. The master spun at blinding speed, blowing away all the tags just as they released their explosions, littering the sky with a shower of red and gold flakes.

“No way…” Obito muttered, his face mired with shock. “How did you escape that genjutsu?”

“You should have known better than to snare an insipid monster with their own sins. I have lived and died by my failures, you cannot control me with them!”

Obito tried to punch, only for Garmadon to grab the fist with his top right arm and start pulling.

“Now I have a question for you. How do you want your arm removed?” 

“I can make it a slooooooww burn.” He began, giving a consistent, deliberate tug while holding back Obito’s face with his other arm.

“Or, I can just WRENCH it off, like so.” 

Garmadon pulled harder on the arm, straining with two hands. Sinews began elongating around the shoulder, and blood started to squirt out from a few cracks, eliciting several pained cries from Obito.

“The quick way it is, then.”

With that, Garmadon finally put enough strain on Obito’s frayed arm, that when he administered a final tug, the whole limb flew off the body, leaving a bloody chunk of meat in his hands.

The dark lord looked at the arm, then at Obito (who was staring at it with shock), then back to the arm. Then, Garmadon had an idea. A truly wonderful, awful idea.

“Oops.” he said, as he dropped the flesh onto the ground, staining it with dirt and bugs.

Before Obito could reach out and grab it, Garmadon had already stomped it into the floor, crushing it into pieces as his boot was caked in dripping, drying blood.

“Was that important?”

Obito seemed stunned at first, until his complexion morphed into one of calm serenity. Or, perhaps it was condescension.

“Not particularly.”

From the stump that used to be Obito’s arm, white tendrils snaked out, interlocking and reformatting. Five fingers stuck out, before the whole growth turned an apricot color. Obito’s limb had regrown…somehow.

“Oh, don’t look so surprised, Garmadon. Or did you believe you were the only one who could replace a body part or two?”

“I hadn’t considered you could do it, no.”

“Hmmhmmhmm…”

Obito curled in his body, his hands clutching his cloak. With a mighty flourish, he ripped his outer covering off, exposing his pale skin. 

Really pale, actually. On one side.

Obito ran his hand along his body, starting from the nexus point in the chest, before running it along his arm as the right half of his body slowly turned ghost white.

“Hashirama Zetsu cells. They regrow in response to physical trauma.” Obito explained, admiring his veined hand before punching the ground, cracking it with a smug expression.

“You can’t hurt me, Garmadon!”

“Then, it would seem that we’re at an impasse. Our fight will be decided only by skill…and who has the drive to win the hunt.” Garmadon admitted, his teeth bared in defiance as he kicked what remained of Obito’s lost arm into a bush.

“Come and get me.” Obito rebuked, his eyes sparking with new vigor.

Accepting the challenge, Garmadon dashed forward, attempting to deliver a strike to Obito’s stomach. As the ninja disappeared into smoke once more, Garmadon reeled around and delivered a kick to the Obito behind him, who substituted with a boulder cracking under Garmadon’s power. 

Jumping into the air allowed Garmadon to dodge Obito’s next underground assault, but his movements became more erratic as a series of wood pillars emerged from the ground, attempting to snare Garmadon in a cage of plant roots.

Thinking quickly, Garmadon pulled out his twin blades and slashed away at the encroaching roots, slicing them to ribbons. Yet more roots emerged from the stumps, catching Garmadon’s right arm and forcing him to drop a blade.

Garmadon attempted spinjitzu to free himself, but Obito had wisened up, grabbing hold of Garmadon’s other limbs to stop the centrifugal force. The roots then began tugging outward, stretching Garmadon’s flesh beyond their intended limits.

“I’m sure you don’t need me to point out the obvious, but I’m going to rip off your limbs, as payment for mine. I’d say you’ll only be half the man you once were, but it’s more like a third.”

Straining against the bindings, Garmadon found himself with only one option.

“Mmmmm…”

“Weeohweeohweeeeeee…”

“What kind of inane garbage are you spouting now?”

“That, my friend, is what’s known as a distraction! DRAGON OF DARKNESS, I SUMMON YOU!”

…

…

“Annnnnny time now, dragon.”

…

“I am WAITING!”

“Looks like your big plan was a dud. Maybe that’s why you always failed to conquer your precious homeland.”

SCRREEEEEOOOOOHHH!

“Nope, just needed to be patient.” Garmadon chortled.

A massive dark shape blotted out the sun with its presence, casting the entire world into shadow. Then, the figure came down, revealing a giant dragon. His form was inky black and purple mist, seeming to transform into a different nightmare creature with every second, except for the gargantuan black wings. 

“Harbinger of annihilation, I command you! Unleash the flames of the underworld, and scorch the earth!”

With a world-shaking roar, the dragon of the darkness flame unleashed waves of black terror, so potent in ferocity that they completely shredded the wood jutsu and knocked Obito on his back.

By the time Obito had righted himself, Garmadon was already saddled atop the great beast, its mouth wide to charge up a dark blast.

“Even you must be starting to run out of options, great ninja! Surrender, and perhaps you can serve me in my exodus!”

Obito looked around, desperate to find a solution, and caught sight of the stream Garmadon doused himself in. An idea began formulating.

“Alright, alright, you got me. I’m putting my hands in the air, and so on, and so forth.”

As he was raising his hands from behind his back, Obito performed a series of lightning-fast hand gestures, the symbols of one of the elemental jutsus. His arms finished their ascent, and Obito began to suck in his gut.

Under his breath came a whisper of “Fire Style-Fireball Jutsu.”, and an infernal blast of tremendous heat rose forth, colliding with the water and generating an eruption of steam.

Everything was shrouded in thick mist, to the point Garmadon couldn’t even see his hands in front of his face. The dragon had no better luck.

“UeurRAGH! New rule, never let an enemy put their hands behind their back, why do I keep forgetting?”

As Garmadon cursed loudly into the horizon, Obito slipped away through the trees, panting as his chakra reserves began to run dry.

(stop music)

“Ha..hah…I never thought…I’d struggle this much against another ninja…perhaps he even surpasses him…I need to find some way to shift the balance.”

As Obito continued to walk, he ultimately tripped over something and felt face-first into the dust, the grains peppering his tongue. After a brief spitting to clear the taste, he felt a thunk on his foot.

“Mmm, hello!”

The ninja looked around, confused.

“Down here.”

…

“Liiitle to the left.”

…

“Yes, I am a turtle. Do not ask questions. More importantly, you seem to have tripped over me by accident.”

“Why should that concern me?”

“Why should it concer-I am no ordinary turtle! I am a turtle who travels through the infinite streams of time! I can take you forward, backward, sideways, even diagonally throughout history. You would be unwise to question the scope of my abilities.”

“Time…”

“‘Maybe…maybe I could go and stop myself from being crushed. Maybe I could be with Ri-‘”

“Do not even think about it.”

The harsh words snapped Obito back to reality, as he cleared his mind and stared at the impudent reptile.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re planning on traveling back in time and changing the past to improve your present. But the rules of time travel forbid it!”

“But they don’t prevent interfering with the future, do they?”

“Well, no, technically-“

“Then you’ll take me there.”

“Actually, I was planning on-“

“Oh no, you misunderstand. This isn’t a request.” Obito growled, grabbing the turtle by the neck and beginning to squeeze.

“Ack..gah..okee…I’ll tahk you ta de futer, lemme gah!”

“Try not to have opinions in the future.”

Choosing to ignore that, Karasuki focused his chakra into one point, and began squeezing it out, making the chakra manifestation bigger, and bigger, until at last it became a swirling vortex, revealing locations from across time and space in its projection.

“With that, I assume my role is done he-aaah!”

Obito’s foot pressed down hard on the turtle’s shell, unflinching.

“I may have need of your abilities later. You go, when I say you can go.”

“Wonderful.”

Obito stared one last time at the portal, before walking into the great beyond.

Seconds after, Garmadon barged through the trees, knocking charred leaves out of his face and entering the clearing. His quarry was nowhere to be seen.

“Oh, that’s just brilliant. He’s probably going off to fetch his companions by now…hello. What do we have here?”

Garmadon inspected the still active portal, noting its ethereal nature.

“Mmm, well, if history has taught me anything, it’s that massive glowing portals at least lead to something interesting.”

And so Garmadon, after taking a deep breath and holding his nose (wait, did he even have a nose?), plunged right in.

As Garmadon and Obito surged through time, many moments throughout history emerged. The creation of Ninjago, the battle between two men at the Valley of the End, a woman sacrificing herself and becoming one with the ocean, and a great battle where heroes clashed with a horned white alien demon. The overflow of events was so great, it would make a normal man’s head explode from all the information.

Garmadon was so busy examining all the projections, he failed to notice he was drifting closer to the edge of the time tunnel. By the time he did snap out of his stupor, he was already halfway out!

He started backpedaling in a desperate attempt to climb back into the stream, but his wild flailing managed to get him turned around, witnessing events playing out in reverse.

“NIYNIYDNIDYDININDNS almost there…”

Finally, his head poked back into the tunnel, and he was able to leverage the rest of his torso in afterward, still facing the opposite direction.

“Ah, well. It’s probably fine.” he mumbled, continuing along the stream backwards.

Obito’s mind was mostly preoccupied by what he would find in the future, and if his plans would succeed, but his eyes did catch one notable thing: himself, crushed under a rock and surrounded by the two he used to care most deeply about.

“‘Rin…'”

Lost in a stupor briefly, Obito shook himself awake and pressed on, his gaze cold and unflinching. 

“I cannot show any weakness in my resolve, or the great Ten-Tails will never accept me. I will achieve serenity and inner peace in this time, and all time. I must.”

At last, the two fighters and the turtle reached the end of the journey, and exited out the other end. Oh, but how different their destinations turned out!

Obito landed in the future, as he anticipated. And just as he anticipated, it was a world thrust into total war. Hundreds of Shinobi on both sides clashed, along with an army of Zetsu and…was that Sasori?

“Edo Tensei, that’s Orochimaru’s technique. But he’s dead, how could…Kabuto.”

With that, he cast his eye over to the massive, monstrous beast on what he assumed was his side. There, riding atop its mutated frame, were two silhouettes. One was himself, and the other was-

“Lord Madara. So, he was brought back too. Then everything went according to plan. I must complete the Juubi and become Jinchuuriki, soon!”

With no time to waste, Obito sprung into the battling crowd, and disappeared from sight.

Garmadon, fortuitously, arrived in the exact opposite time point, appearing during his venture to the Golden Peaks to forge his supreme Megaweapon.

“Time travel…ah, that takes me back.”

…

“Wait! Maybe this is the great equalizer! Maybe this is destiny’s will, bringing me all the pieces of my ultimate gambit! Now I just need to convince…me, that I’m trying to help me, in the future, so he can grow into me but better. Why is time travel so complicated?!”

“Well, no time like the present. Or past.” Garmadon resolved, walking out from behind his cover of rocks and revealing himself.

The first to notice was one of the Hypnobrai, who delivered a low hiss that alerted a Venomari and Constrictai nearby. Soon all the Serpentine were staring at him, including the past Garmadon holding the Megaweapon.

Garmadon expected his past self to be shocked, but nothing happened.

“Future me…ah, reminds me of the time we almost destroyed the ninja!”

“Yes, well, a lot of things have happened since then. I’d love to explain, but ah…time travel has many repercussions, or so I’ve been told.”

“Well, you clearly came back for a reason. Spit it out.”

The two Garmadons came face to face, as future Garmadon lowered his voice.

“I need you to do something for me…”

Meanwhile, in the future, Obito bashed his way through the hoards of shinobi with his gunbai, leaping from stone to stone, and phasing through any hits that came his way. Nothing could stop him as he began scaling the remnants of the Gedou Mazo, gripping the white flesh of the Juubi as he climbed.

Atop the misshapen beast, the two Uchiha watched as the Shinobi alliance crumbled. The destructive power of the Ten-Tails was simply unrivaled, and everything was proceeding exactly as envisioned, all those years ago.

“So, Obito…what do you think?”

“It’s a vision I didn’t think would pass in my lifetime. The cruel, unjust shinobi world, the world that willfully sacrifices those with no perceived value in order to save the skin of a few pathetic links at the apex of the chain of command, falling to pieces before my very eyes.”

“Soon, the slate will be wiped clean. The Infinite Tsukuyomi will bring eternal peace. No more pain, loss, betrayal, selfish allegiances. Only unity under the banner of dreams, and the light of the moon.”

“So yes…I’m quite satisfied.”

Madara simply turned away, pondering how well the next phase of the war would turn out.

“‘Obito turned out to be quite useful after all…his disposal might even bring a tear to my eye.'”

The time for rumination ran out quickly when a curled finger gripped the head of the Juubi, and past Obito flipped up to stand beside Madara and his future self without a sound.

The three Uchiha simply stared at each other, wondering how the other would react. A time twin appearing wasn’t a common occurrence, but then time itself had never been truly set in stone with the Uchiha.

At last, Madara broke the silence.

“Obito, I don’t suppose you’d be willing to explain why you’re standing next to Obito?”

“Master, I come from a time far removed from here. A dark revenant engaged me in combat, and nearly won. His power is immense, and I knew the only way to overcome it was here, with the support of you and me. The other me.”

The two future Uchiha exchanged a knowing glance, before holding out their hands to their time-displaced comrade.

“Excellent. Now that things are taken care of, there’s a small matter I have to contend with.”

Immediately, a hand thrust itself through the back of future Obito’s head, and grabbed hold of his eyes.

Without giving future Obito time to react, past Obito’s clone wrenched the eyes out of the head and passed them to the prime past Obito, disappearing into the aether.

Madara watched, his eyes glistening with a cold delight as his partner collapsed to the ground, clutching the empty sockets where his eyes used to be and screaming hateful profanities.

Past Obito glanced at both eyes, before throwing the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan eye to the ground and crushing it underfoot. The Rinnegan eye, with its outward expanding circular corneas, was slotted directly into his own eye, making a squelch noise as it passed through.

“The deed…IS DONE!” Obito roared, triumphant, as he stared at the moon with his two disparate eyes, feeling more power than he ever had before.

“I’m sure even Lord Madara is inferior to me now! I will complete the Infinite Tsukuyomi, and ascend to the throne of divine shepard of the ninja world! I will guide the people into a new future, a future without strife! None can oppose me!”

It was only after the noise faded that Obito noticed a distinctive foot tapping. Slowly, he turned to face Madara, who looked about as angered as a desiccated zombie could be.

“I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

Quick as the Konoha Yellow Flash, Obito somersaulted over Madara’s Katon-Mokuton jutsu combo, the burning wood leaving an acrid scent in his nostrils, before releasing a ripple from his eye that locked onto Madara, instantly transporting him to the Kamui dimension.

“I’ll deal with him later.” Obito grunted, as he turned to face the mountains. Now, he alone controlled the Ten-Tails, incomplete as it was.

Noting the whimpering mess of his future self on the ground, Obito kicked his time twin off the Juubi to eventually splat on the rocks below.

“So, your plans are complete now?”

Obito took Karasuki from the depths of his cloak and held him up.

“Yes.”

“You no longer require my services?”

“Correct.”

“And, you will release me?”

“Of course.”

The turtle smiled along with Obito.

One drop off the side of the Juubi later, and Obito once more steeled his nerves.

“Come for me, Lord Garmadon. Come, and let us battle to the end.”

Garmadon, having everything he needed from the past, waved goodbye to his past self and the Serpentine, and stepped back through a portal through time.

“Obito Uchiha, I’m coming for you. Our battle will be legendary! You’ve forced me to use all my power. You are my equal, you push me to surpass limitations. And for that, I swear on this Megaweapon…”

“…I WILL SURPASS YOU!”

As Garmadon’s words echoed across the passages of history, Obito waited patiently for his prey to arrive.

“How interesting, that man is…he sees my superior power, and yet he still continues to struggle and claw at victory with desperation. It will make snuffing out his flame that much more rewarding.”

What he didn’t expect was a time tunnel opening right above the Juubi, and something emerging from its maw.

GWOOOOARRRGHH!!

Garmadon’s massive elemental wyvern surged through the vortex, beginning a wide circle around the battleground. The flap of its wings was powerful enough to uproot the forests nearby, while blowing away entire platoons of shinobi without resistance.

Screams of terror erupted from below, as the ninja tried to mount an offense. The Suna ninja summoned fists of earth to punch the beast out of the air, the mist ninja created water tendrils to pull the dragon down, and the lightning shinobi infused the water with electricity to make a sparking tendril to electrocute Garmadon.

But all these blows were simply reflected by a flap of the dragon’s wings, crashing into the mountains and villages nearby and reducing them to rubble in an instant.

“His power is too great!”

“We’re doomed!”

“Run for your lives!”

“Do not retreat! Stand your ground!”

From the center of the army, a loud voice barked out to the troops. The fourth Raikage was someone incredibly intimidating and commanding of attention to even his fellow Kage, and today was no different.

“Concentrate your fire on that beast! We will back you up!” the Raikage bellowed, as he charged his fists with energy.

“Hmph, that Raikage…so high-strung, as usual.” the Mizukage commented, as she performed a series of hand signals.

Onoki, the wise Tsuchikage, shook his head in amusement. “You kids are always charging headfirst into battle, aren’t you? Hehehe, makes me nostalgic.” 

“Everyone, keep your focus. We have a limited window of time to strike.” Gaara, the new generation Kazekage, interjected.

“He’s right, we need to stand firm and stop this war. FOR KONOHA!” Tsunade, the busty Hokage, replied, her body taking on a pattern of black accents as she focused her chakra.

The other Kage nodded, as they summoned their most powerful jutsus.

“Lightning Style!”

“Water Style!”

“Dust Release!”

“Sand Coffin.”

“Super Punch!”

The five Kage combined their blows and created a powerful elemental burst that surged towards the dragon. 

In response, Garmadon waved his weapon around, and conjured a shield that reflected the combined assault right back.

“What the-“

KABOOOM!

The blast impacted the ground with such force that it split the earth itself, leaving the two halves of the army trapped on opposite sides, as the Kage were thrown back and hit the ground with devastating force. Only Gaara was spared from heavy damage due to his sand shield, but the rest were lucky to stand up.

“Incredible, that was our strongest move and he treated it like trash!” Tsunade said in disbelief.

“Whoever he is, let’s hope he’s on our side. For all our sakes.” Onoki prayed.

Garmadon finished his lap and dismounted in midair, diving to the head of the Juubi and landing with a light thud.

Raising his head, the Spinjitzu lord faced the false prophet and allowed a massive smile to split his face, his fangs bared.

“Let us begin.”

Garmadon tried to rush in and strike Obito with his weapon…

…well, he tried to move forward, anyway.

Every step he took seemed to take him backwards, and every second seemed to increase the intensity of the repulsion. Straining, Garmadon looked up, and saw Obito’s hand raised, almost as if-

“Deva Path.”

“Wha-“

Garmadon was suddenly pulled in faster than thought, allowing Obito to grab him and deliver a powerful uppercut that knocked the lord back. And then he activated the Deva Path again to attract Garmadon for another kick to the stomach. And then once more, for a spinning roundhouse that tossed Garmadon to the side.

But this Garmadon vanished into dark mist immediately, while another Garmadon struck from behind, knocking Obito to the ground as he stood triumphant.

“‘What? I’m sure I was phasing there, how did-‘”

“It’s quite simple, really. With my new Megaweapon, reality and creation itself are mere playthings to my will. I simply enhanced myself to breach your world.”

Obito was instantly smacked by the butt of the scepter, causing him to falter as Garmadon pressed his advantage. The Spinjitzu lord began spinning around, drawing the ninja into his vortex and delivering a barrage of rapid-fire energy blasts and kicks with his swords, before finally slamming his weapon downward onto Obito’s skull!

Almost.

In reality, Garmadon was floating about 15 feet in the air, unable to descend as Obito played with his movements with the Deva Path once more, flinging him around and around, and up and down, before slamming him into several rocks and trees, and finally dropping him on several ninja carcasses.

As he sat up to rub his head, Garmadon looked and noted the faces staring at him with disgust.

Then he looked up and saw the giant Juubi foot.

“Oh.”

“OH SHI-“

The foot stepped on Garmadon, seemingly crushing him without mercy.

“Hmph. What a disappointment. The ‘lord of darkness’, and he has the skill of a chu-“

RUMBLE

THOOOOM

THOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

From beneath the Juubi’s foot, a shifting and jostling occurred, growing more prominent as time passed, until finally the foot was lifted off the ground with a single stroke, unbalancing the titanic monstrosity and allowing Garmadon to slip free.

But this Garmadon was different. No longer was he dwarfed by the Juubi. He was seated at the head of a massive colossus, pulsating with dark energy. The malevolence of the stone giant was immense, pushing the Juubi back with its aura alone, and even striking the briefest terror into Obito’s heart.

“Now, at last, the REAL battle can begin!” Garmadon screamed, manic laughter escaping his lips as he began hopping from side to side, trying to disorient the one-eyed beast.

“How pathetic.” Obito mused, as his Sharingan activated and analyzed the giant’s moves.

“‘He’s going to do a left hook.” Obito processed, raising his left arm to his side to block the attack.

With Garmadon putting so much weight behind the punch, the Colossus became unbalanced, allowing for a powerful swipe from the Juubi to slam into the behemoth’s side.

The force of the blow was great enough to rip a chunk of the Colossus’ frame from its leg. It tried to reunite with its brethren, only for Obito to crush it and scatter pebbles everywhere.

“If I keep going, every inch of you will be torn to shreds. It makes me salivate just thinking about it!” 

Garmadon rubbed his head and tried to make sense of what happened. “‘His Sharingan has such a far reach, how am I supposed to dodge-‘”

The Colossus was suddenly lifted overhead, allowing Garmadon to stare down at the soulless eye of the Juubi.

“THIS is what I think of your borrowed power!” Obito countered, as he pulled the titan’s arms apart and-

RRRRRIIPP!

Tore the Colossus in half!

“Now, crawl into some rathole. And stay there. Your weakness sickens me.“

The mutilated pieces of the Colossus were thrown to the ground, as Obito turned away.

“Now, it is time to begin the Moon’s Eye Plan, and deliver this world true sanctuary-“

Instantly, a sucker punch was delivered into the small of the Juubi’s back, causing it to crumple and fall to the ground. In its place stood the revitalized Colossus, the scars of its bisection already fading.

While Obito was distracted, Garmadon used Spinjitzu to ascend the slippery back of the Juubi, running up its side and dodging the tentacle swipes. He somersaulted onto the head of the beast, seeing Obito coming into focus a few hundred yards away.

“Now I’ve got you.” 

Garmadon delivered a powerful punch to Obito’s skull, only for a pop to reveal a miniature Juubi spawn in its place, splattering into goop.

“No!”

He didn’t turn around fast enough to avoid Obito once again using the Deva Path to attract Garmadon, bringing the two close enough together to allow him to grab the Spinjitzu master. With some concentration, Obito combined two of his paths to summon a massive hellspawn beside him.

“Do you love your family?” Obito pressed, his fingers digging into Garmadon’s bones.

“Seems like a strange question to ask.”

“Do you love your family? Answer and die.”

“Don’t you mean answer OR die?”

The fingers gripped tighter, and blood starting spurting out.

“Okay, yes! Yes. Are you happy?”

“Extremely.” Obito replied, smirking, as Garmadon’s mouth was forced open. From within the depths of Garmadon’s essence arose a wispy, opaque spirit, trying to force its way out of Garmadon’s mouth.

“No escape, this time. Your life will soon be in my hands. But fear not: I will reward you with the grand death a man like you desires.”

To a lesser fighter, it would have seemed like the end, but-

“I’m no mere man.” Garmadon rebutted, his hands reaching out to grab hold of his soul and Obito’s arm.

“I told you, it’s pointless! You’ve lost to someone superior to you, accept it! Your weakness!” 

“No…the Oni’s power…”

“IS MINE!”

Garmadon let loose a massive explosion of dark power, knocking Obito back and carving a massive chunk out of the Juubi.

When the dust settled, Obito noted in shock how much Garmadon had changed. His helmet was discarded, replaced by two massive horns, symbols of the Oni clan. He now held both the Megaweapon and a longstaff in his hands, holy and unholy united as one for the first time.

“‘I didn’t expect this…but, no matter. I have everything I need.'” Obito assured himself, leaping to his feet. Using his Sharingan, he scanned Garmadon once more, analyzing the twitching of his muscles.

“‘His strategy is like an open book. He’ll try to fire an attack from the front.'” Obito thought, as he tensed himself to dodge.

“This match is mi-“

FWOOSH!

Garmadon instantly teleported behind the ninja and performed an uppercut!

“I am Lord Garmadon!”

BAM!

Another teleport into the air to do a double-handed downward slam.

“And only I can determine where my path leads, and if I follow it!”

KER-CRACK!

“Only I can command the endless energies of the Underworld!”

SMASH!

One final warp to the ground. 

“Only I…”

“CAN DECIDE MY DESTINY!”

Concentrating his energy and the power of the Megaweapon, Garmadon fired a massive beam from the weapon’s head, laced with elemental power and golden energy.

But instead of the beam ripping through Obito and rending his body asunder, the energy blast was being absorbed by Obito’s power!

“Preta Path!” Obito yelled, as he took the absorbed energy and fired it back tenfold, blasting a hole straight through Garmadon’s stomach!

The Spinjitzu master doubled back, but quickly recovered with his oni powers to freeze Obito in ice, only for the ninja to activate his Katon jutsu and melt out with a stream of fire that Garmadon blocked with a water geyser.

Through the smoke cover, Obito attempted to grab Garmadon for the Human Path again, only for Garmadon to use the Megaweapon and erect a black barrier that Obito bounced off of, allowing Garmadon to run in and skewer Obito with his horns.

“Guh!” 

“‘How…did he…defy the prediction of the Sharingan?'”

Blood dripping down his face, Garmadon jerked his head up and sent Obito skyward, allowing him to jump and match Obito’s height before raising the Megaweapon once more, this time turning Tobi into…

…a frog.

Breaking the mold, Garmadon decided to toss the frog into space, using his Megaweapon to make a million water balloons implode the amphibian from the inside, splattering frog guts everywhere.

Except instead of guts, it was scattered pieces of wood, the hallmark of-

“Substitution! Not this time!” Garmadon grunted, swinging his staff around to try and hit Obito behind him, only for the ninja to drill up from beneath to stab him in the leg!

Not to be outdone, Garmadon raised his staff, and-

SCHLICK!

Chopped off his leg, so that Obito surged upward without an anchor, allowing Garmadon to nail him in the back with his remaining foot. Obito sprawling gave Garmadon enough time to hobble and conjure a new leg.

“‘It must be his new form. Does…does he have the power to change destiny?'” Obito considered, as he flipped onto his feet.

Not wanting to waste time, Garmadon coated the tip of his staff in dark energy, and prepared to slice cleanly through Obito’s head. However, the ninja simply vanished in a puff of smoke, reappearing in the sky and performing another jutsu.

Only this time, Obito nicked his finger with his teeth, causing blood to squeeze out and dapple the ground in crimson, before the ninja slammed down on the Juubi’s head.

“SUMMONING JUTSU! ANIMAL PATH!”

“Oh great, what’s this gonna be. A giant frog, maybe a lizard, or-“

But instead, what appeared was a giant, many-legged, gold-accented-

“Overlord.”

Once more, the scourge of Ninjago, the Golden Master, reared his ugly head. And just like before, he went on a rampage, blasting golden energy in all directions, tearing through the battle, reducing thousands to ash, and slicing through thousands more with the aftermath.

“But…that’s-“

“Impossible?”

A small chuckle broke the silence, escalating into a manic cackle, Obito’s eyes widening, bursting with insanity.

“Not when your thoughts are revealed to me! All your secrets, laid bare in front of my eyes! The ability to conjure your greatest demon, at my fingertips! This is the power of the Rinnegan! This is the greatest power, the most legendary high!”

Under the command of Obito, the pseudo-Overlord struck, backhanding Garmadon with a powerful swing and blasting him through a nearby mountainside, with the puppet giving chase.

“‘That is, the greatest power for now.‘” 

As Garmadon kept getting punched through bedrock and mountainsides, his face started to bruise up, and he felt his ribs beginning to shatter under the assault.

“Don’t have much left in me…but maybe…” 

As Garmadon tightened his grip on the Megaweapon, it seemed to glow with golden power, restoring his energy.

“Yes, that’s it! My mind isn’t the only one that can be read…”

Focusing his Spinjitzu energy through the Megaweapon, and enhancing it with his raw fury, Garmadon unleashed a guttural roar as a red beam with golden flecks blasted from the weapon’s tip, and struck the false Overlord head-on.

At first, nothing happened. The silence was palpable.

“Any moment now…”

Then, the Overlord copy began to expand and swell up, its features becoming bloated as energy began seeping from its cells.

The pressure built up, and then-

KABLAM!

A fountain of blood and bean buns exploded outward, piercing through the rock as the blast itself atomized what was left of the mountain. But the strangest part was that the blood reshaped itself into a swarm of bats, which cycled like a tornado through the sky as they raced back to Obito.

Still in the middle of trying to perform a ritual, Obito was taken aback as the first blood-bat crashed into him. Only, these bats didn’t splat on impact. It was more like a hiss, releasing a liquid that seeped into his skin.

The substance spread to Obito’s muscles quickly. It interfered with his motor skills and caused his muscles to relax uncontrollably, robbing the ninja of his ability to focus. And of course, this was the time when an entire swarm appeared from far away, closing in at incredible speed.

With a set of hand gestures and a cry of “KATON JUTSU!”, Obito released a barrage of fire from his mouth, attempting to roast the bats alive. And it worked!

Well, almost. The cinders reformed, this time taking the appearance of ashen locusts, buzzing and coalescing together into the form of a scattershot demon.

This time, when the locust hellspawn fired its progeny at the ninja, he was ready. Quickly, he activated wood release to block the locusts.

The locusts instantly turned the wood to more locusts on contact, further strengthening the hoard and surrounding the msising-nin to chomp away at his skin.

As Obito attempted to hop and phase through the insect coalition, Garmadon appeared in the shadows behind him, materializing out of the darkness to stand behind Obito. Without a moment of delay, the master grabbed Obito’s back and neck, pulling him close.

“I just want to point out that, you gave me the idea for this. I offer my most heartfelt thanks.”

In anticipation of another clone, Garmadon flipped back as Obito tried to use the Human Path again, before using his Megaweapon and summoning the locusts. When they were all together, the scepter glowed with angelic light, and all the bugs became tightly packed, and flesh-colored. 

Their form shifted into something familiar. That nostalgic shock of hair, that childlike face, the rosy cheeks…

“No…” 

“Oh, yes.” 

Finally, the transformation completed, and standing there was a young girl.

“Obito, Rin. I believe you’re already acquainted?”

“You…YOU-“

“Bastard? Monster? Piece of garbage? Go ahead, call me whatever names you see fit. I just thought you’d be pleased, having your ‘snuggly-wiggly’ girlfriend back at your side.”

Obito just stared, livid.

“Oh, right, my mistake. You never actually went through with it, did you? No, you waited until you were buried six feet under to be the hero. But I’ve seen what you are, inside and out. Nothing but a worthless coward, letting your feelings and losses define who you are. And you tell me you’re going to ‘save the world’?”

“What a load of self-delusion. You can’t even save one, measly life! What business do you have leading an entire world?!”

“…Are you finished?”

“Eh?”

“I’ve listened to you drone on about my supposed weakness, about me ‘hiding’ my true reasons to fight, to survive, to kill. I didn’t want to listen to you waste time with self-congratulatory monologues and pitiful attempts to establish your ‘superior potential’.”

“I want to murder you. I want to obliterate every trace of you from across this entire maggot-infested planet. I came to make your pain as long and excruciating as I could, before I finally put you out of your misery.”

“Nothing has changed. Your pathetic attempt to shove my past in my face and make me ‘accept my failure’ is meaningless. I have no past. I have no home, nowhere to return to. The Obito Uchiha who bled out under the rocks died long ago.”

As if to prove his point, Obito reached Rin in two strides and thrust his hand through her chest, grabbing her locust-borne heart, and crushing it without hesitation. The girl’s faded whimpers and clutching at his shoulder did nothing to lessen his resolve.

The girl faded away, back into an insect cloud that quickly dispersed, leaving the two alone.

Garmadon slow-clapped, making the contempt in his face incredibly clear as he strode around.

“Well DONE, Master Uchiha! I’m VERY impressed by your resolve. I only wish that-“

RUMBLE

“…Well, that was odd. Now, as I was saying, I only wish that-“

KRACKA-THOOM!

Garmadon was thrown from the head of the tailed beast, free-falling to earth as the wind whipped past.

BLAM!

Garmadon hit the ground hard, forming a crater in the earth that reached down to the Earth’s core. Contact with the lava started melting away at Garmadon’s armor and weapons, accenting the orange magma with flecks of gold and raven black.

The pain was unbearable, and yet Garmadon was forced to keep bearing it, as a powerful force kept him restrained in the magma core. An intense gravitational force, not unlike-

“That Uchiha worm. I bet he’s laughing, right now.”

In reality, he had gone back to performing the ritual to strengthen the Ten-Tails with more Bijuu, magnetizing the Kyubi and the Hachibi out of their Jinchuuriki hosts and inching closer to achieving ultimate power.

“Soon…soon, everything will be decided!” Obito resolved, pulling the Tails closer.

Garmadon, meanwhile, remained stuck in the molten prison by the Deva Path. But the gravity seemed weak towards the left and right.

With some doing, Garmadon managed to barely close his middle finger around the Megaweapon’s hilt, dragging it over so he could firmly grasp it.

Now, Garmadon would seek vengeance.

“One good burn deserves another…”

From many miles above, Obito had nearly completed the summoning of the Tailed ones. The path to Jinchuuriki seemed inevitable. That is, as long as nothing went wr-

RUMBLE

This time, the entire planet seemed to shake, jostling the ninja around and causing his focus to falter. The Jinchuuriki, not missing a beat, zipped away into the shinobi alliance, out of sight.

“Damn it! I swear, the next time I see that piece of shit, I’m going to chop his limbs off and feed him to the Juubi, piece by piece.”

“Why wait!?”

The ground began oozing with brown liquid, all around the Juubi. Everywhere it touched, rocks and plant life began to turn to mud, making the ground under the Ten-Tails start to soften.

“Oh, no-“

From below, an entire tidal wave of brown liquid blasted up like a geyser, pushing Garmadon to the surface while shielded with dark energy.

The tsunami soon consolidated into a giant warrior, undefined in shape, but incredibly potent. He took a step, and his footprint carved a hole through the ground, along with splashing over all the ninja caught in range, encasing them in hardened mud.

Screams of agony rang out in unison as Garmadon’s earthen warrior slid across the arena, leaving dirty trails in its wake. In its path was Obito, controlling not only the Juubi, but Garmadon’s colossus as well.

“Alright! Now we have a real clash of the titans!” Garmadon exclaimed, forming a pair of arms from the depths of his creation.

Obito responded with a wave of his hand, sending the Colossus into battle.

“No banter with your nemesis? And here I thought you wanted to truly crush me! Show me the flame in your soul, the passion in your eyes, the hatred in your fist! Only then, will I acknowledge you!” Garmadon chastised, sweeping his mud hand across the Colossus’ arm and liquefying the joints.

The stone limb flew off, and with the built-up momentum, crashed into the limp right wing of the ninja alliance, squashing a few of the remaining pitiful troops that had survived the carnage thus far.

“Shut up and die.” Obito replied, monotone, as he swung the Colossus’ other arm, coated with fire release jutsu, straight into Garmadon’s monster. Although the arm was pried loose rather quickly, the fire managed to carve a gash straight through the abomination, forcing it off-balance.

Seeing an opportunity, Obito commanded the Colossus to perform a dropkick, nailing the monster in the stomach. But this time, Garmadon waved the Megaweapon, and a hole formed right where the legs hit, causing the colossus to fruitlessly pass through and get stuck in the belly of the beast.

Then he formed the monster’s body around the legs, immediately transmuting them and leaving the dark creation to fall, helpless, to the earth with a mighty thud.

“One by one, the dominos fall…” Garmadon mused, turning his attention to the Juubi. “One by one, they are crushed under my heel.”

Obito racked his brain, trying to come up with a plan…before noticing two familiar faces leaping over the mountains, their tails between their legs. 

“Ah…perfect.”

With a plan formulated, Obito commanded the Juubi to charge straight at Garmadon’s amorphous creation, swinging its tails coated with Bijuu chakra. The poisoned tails colliding with the mud created a horrible hiss that released deadly steam in all directions, polluting the air with instant-death particles filling the pores of more ninja.

Those that remained ran for cover, as one ninja cast protective wood shielding around the alliance. Meanwhile, Garmadon grabbed the Juubi tails and lifted the monster into the air, swinging it around like an oversized flail, and then slamming it down hard.

Then he did it again, and again, and again, until the Juubi’s skin was covered in swelling and bruises. Finally, the acid monster leaped skyward, blotting out the moon with his frame, before body-slamming at terminal velocity into the Juubi, creating an almighty explosion of power.

When the scum finally settled, the Juubi lay in scattered pieces, and one of its eyes had half-disintegrated. Blood and guts were strewn all around.

Obito lay amidst the Juubi’s flesh, his skin torn in multiple places. Garmadon’s monster also had vanished, its essence fleeing back to the earth’s core and returning to its lava state. The Spinjitzu master, unconcerned, brushed himself off and glided over to Obito’s unmoving body.

“And so, it comes to this. The end of the game. Unfortunately, the defeated now has to pay the piper, and my toll is your life. Sayonara.”

Garmadon prepared to exact horrible punishment on his foe (turning him inside-out and having crows eat his muscle tendon sounded particularly exciting), but it was only then that fate decided to intervene.

“Stop!”

“Hey man, put that weapon down, or on your head I’m puttin’ a crown!”

The Eight and Nine-Tails Jinchuuriki had finally arrived, surrounded by their respective beasts’ avatars that completely dwarfed the Spinjitzu lord.

“Ah, you two want a crack at this ninja too? Well, you are a little late, but I’ll give you a consolation prize: you get to see the power of the very weapon that put him down.”

Garmadon, his arrogance consuming him, turned away from his enemy to face the new challengers, completely unaware as the pieces of the Juubi’s carcass began inching towards each other.

Garmadon slowly circled around the two jinchuuriki, as they readied themselves to fight. The wind picked up and scattered dust all around, making it rain like black snowfall. 

So quiet, the setting was, that one could hear a pin drop for a thousand miles.

Then, the storm broke.

Naruto and Killer Bee charged up simultaneous Bijuu Bombs, hurling them at Garmadon and creating a nuclear storm.

The ocean was burned away by the combined power of two tailed beasts, and the entire continent across the sea was leveled in an instant, every structure for a thousand miles reduced to rubble.

When the smoke died, Garmadon was nowhere to be seen. The only vestige that remained was his charred helmet.

“I…I think we got him…” Naruto panted, holding his knees to steady himself.

“Right on, he’s gone, we beat him, time to get some dim…sum.” 

As the two Jinchuuriki shook hands and began to walk away-

SPLURT!

A mass of black rods ripped through their skin, causing blood to start leaking out. But more importantly…

“I-I can’t move!” Naruto grunted.

“Hey, hey, what’s this sensation, I’m not feeling any elation!” Bee rapped, before his hand suddenly swung around and grabbed his sword.

“Wait…these black rods! They’re like Pain’s…but that means-“

“Me.”

The two ninja felt chills down their spines as they processed the arrival of the Akatsuki commander, slowly clapping as he approached.

“Well done, my little puppets. You’ve done just as I hoped you would. All the pieces are now in place, which unfortunately, means your usefulness is about to come to an end.”

The jinchuuriki tried to attack, but were helpless as Obito exerted his control over the black rods, pulling them closer.

“Oh, don’t feel so bad. At least take solace in that when I cut your strings, you will be remembered as the brave martyrs who failed at their job, instead of just a duo of wasted potential.”

The missing-nin stroked Naruto’s chin, only for the fox-nin to bite his finger and glare in defiance.

“You little-“

Obito slapped the boy across the cheek, knocking him to the ground and leaving a bruise.

“I’ll be merciful and make your deaths quick regardless.”

“You always pride yourself on your ability to make friendships? Now you’ll die with your precious comrades.”

“Well, that’s cold comfort, how about a round on the basketball court-“

SCHLICK

Obito dug the rods further into Bee’s chest, before grabbing his face. Using the Human Path once again, he steadily extracted the soul of the Bijuu, Bee contorting and writhing and trying to scream the whole time.

At last, it was over, and Bee’s body slumped, lifeless, to the ground.

“Uncle Bee!”

“Don’t get worked up, it’ll be your turn soon.” Obito deadpanned, waving his hands. His summoning brought the Juubi pieces back together, quickly reforming into the monstrous Ten-Tails (albeit still coated in bruises and burns).

“That’s it, my pet, feed on your brethren, gain strength.” Obito crooned, as the Juubi sucked up the essence of the Hachibi. When the slurping completed, Obito turned back.

“I’d ask if you had any final words,” Obito began, standing tall as he forced Naruto to his knees, “but I’m running short on time, and patience, because of that halfwit Garmadon. So I’ll just take the Kyuubi back.”

From within Naruto’s heart, the colossal fox demon bared its fangs and growled, swiping out with a phantasmal paw and raking its claws against Obito’s stomach.

“Hahaha, yes, this poison, coursing through my veins…my heart, screaming in pain…this all means NOTHING!” Obito screamed, clutching Naruto’s face.

“Kyuubi, my old servant, return to me now, and fulfill your final duty!” 

Once more, the soul of a Bijuu floated out into open air, where it was immediately sucked up and consumed by the Ten-Tails. As the Nine-Tails soul vanished, the light died from Naruto’s eyes, and he too succumbed to death’s cold embrace.

“Now, everything is in place. The time to summon the Infinite Tsukuyomi is nearly at hand!”

Clapping his palms together, the ninja began performing a series of jutsus, muttering under his breath. The Juubi, as if drawn to the hypnotic tones, slid across the ground, beginning to contort itself into a more minuscule form as it was absorbed into Obito’s skin and mouth.

With the Ten-Tails now complete, a brilliant light shone from Obito, a powerful brightness that erased even the darkest shadows. Then it cleared, and Obito stood alone.

His skin had now turned a light green, almost alien-like in texture. Massive spikes jutted out of his body, and he sported a pair of uneven horns and a fresh set of black pants. Armed with a staff and several orbs floating behind him, Obito had taken on the powers of a Juubi Jinchuuriki, the mightiest power in the Shinobi world.

Flexing his muscles, Obito gazed across the void of eternity, witnessing the carnage firsthand. Then, his senses went into overdrive, detecting a dark presence from a distant island.

Thousands of miles away, a massive army battalion lined up, all coated in ancient armor and demonic helmets. And at the front, clad in a new silver helmet, was-

“Garmadon. His persistence is becoming intolerable. It’s time to stamp out his short, miserable life with the powers of a god.” 

Taking to the air, Obito began flying at light speed towards the Island of Darkness, as black clouds and thunderbolts stained the once-pristine skies.

The Dark Isle…

Garmadon took the time to glance over his newly reinvigorated Stone Army. It had taken some doing, bringing an entire legion through the timestream and under the Overlord’s nose, but at last, he commanded the full power of the army that once nearly laid the First Spinjitzu Master low. He was ready.

“Even the Megaweapon wasn’t enough to put him down. It’s times like these when those ‘children’ of mine would have come in handy…Harumi…”

Lost in thought, Garmadon spared only a moment to think about how his careless actions had robbed so many of their lives. Some he had no regrets about (I mean, come on, who’s going to care about every single random citizen, right?), but all the ninja he had slain back there…some of them might have had families, just like him, that they would never return to.

He wasn’t crying, of course not. Lord Garmadon never cried. But it did strike a chord in his twisted, shriveled up heart. 

Perhaps if he had the time, he would send a nice gift basket to their homes. Something feng shui, maybe a poison-spitting viper or two.

All musings that Garmadon snapped out of, as he felt a familiar aura across the horizon. An unmistakable power, enhanced beyond comprehension.

“He is here.”

“General Kozu!”

The tallest among the army, a red-clad general, snapped to attention. 

“Prepare your men for war! The final battle has arrived.”

“Yes, my lord.” Kozu acquiesced, turning to his troops. “Stand at the ready!”

“HOORAH! HOORAW! HRRAGH! KRRAGH!” the army roared, slamming their weapons against the ground in unison. It was quite an intimidating force to come up against, and Obito even grew a little rattled seeing the size of the army.

“Well, three may be a crowd, but 10,000 makes a wonderful dance.”

With his staff, Obito conjured forth thousands upon thousands of white-skinned warriors, along with a few hundred miniature copies of the Juubi. Altogether, his force presented a seemingly impenetrable wall of white purity, a force truly worthy of one with the mantle of Jinchuuriki.

“Now we have a true clash!” Garmadon roared, as the waves bashed against the island’s beaches and the trees whipped around in the hurricane-force winds. 

“Stone Army…charge!”

The warriors borne of rock let loose a battle cry before charging headlong into the action. Obito responded in kind with a flick of his hand, sending the Zetsu and Juubi spawn into the heart of Garmadon’s attack force.

As the two sides threw their first blows, the atmosphere quaked and rippled with every trading of hits. Air shockwaves burst out, forcing back the ocean time after time, and leaving the island isolated amidst weathered bedrock.

As his troops fought below, Garmadon took to the air to face Obito. Wielding the Megaweapon once more, he began clashing with Obito’s staff, the two trading blows at a mind-boggling pace and darting through the skies as blurs. Their speed was so potent, it even began to distort space, causing small cracks to appear in reality as they danced.

As Obito swung his staff again, Garmadon flipped overhead and used the Megaweapon to call upon a black aura, surrounding him completely and lacing his atoms with maligned energy.

As he clashed with Obito once more, small chunks of the ninja’s staff turned into blooming tulips with every strike, until Obito was essentially left with a blunt stick, which he promptly threw at Garmadon’s face.

The samurai dodged, but the brief lapse in focus allowed Obito to conjure a new staff from one of the orbs.

“How resourceful.” Garmadon conceded, before deactivating the aura as he charged in again.

“‘Ah, maybe that’s a weakness, his weapon has a finite power limit. I can use that…'” Obito pondered, as he released several of his orbs to home in on Garmadon.

Desperate to escape harm, the lord flitted from tree to tree, as the orbs whiffed one by one and reduced their targets to dust.

“Alright then, do not want to get hit by those.” Garmadon noted, firing off several elemental spells that were immediately reflected by Obito’s staff.

Some of the shots turned their targets into giant winged tigers that swarmed around Obito, while others created miniature black holes that began sucking anything nearby to other dimensions. A few of the Zetsu got too close to one and ended up in a realm of endless night, helpless as several mud monsters closed in.

The bloodthirsty wildcats tried to leech off Obito’s blood, but the powerful Bijuu chakra within immediately made all of them drop dead. Their rotting flesh, however, seeped into the ground, melting the dirt and creating a massive chasm.

From within, an army of undead hands and skeletal harpies burst forth, clad in bone armor and wielding electricity-tipped tridents. The deadly hordes joined together with the Stone Army, and began an assault on Obito, flinging their weapons into his sides while infused with arcing electric bolts.

Obito merely shrugged them all off, extracting the instruments from his skin and sending the orbs to wipe out the hordes en masse. He wasn’t even wounded.

“‘That’ll make things difficult. Elemental attacks and stabbing wounds have no effect! He must have some weakness. Perhaps its tied to those orbs…I’ll know soon enough.'” 

While Obito was distracted by the summoned infantry, Garmadon cast a spell with the weapon to turn himself invisible, quietly sneaking around until he was in backstabbing distance. 

The orbs were right there. With some finesse, Garmadon cast a barrier spell around the orbs, ultimately throwing them into the jungle right under Obito’s nose.

Except, the Obito quickly disappeared into a smoke cloud, and the real ninja lord revealed himself high in the clouds!

“Oh, give me a-“

FWOOSH

One of the orbs zipped by Garmadon’s sight and collided with his arm, the impact instantly annihilating the limb on an atomic level.

“Hehe, nice try. But you see, any second now my arm will be restored.”

…

“Just give it a minute.”

…

“Are you done?” Obito questioned.

“Yes, I’m guessing that arm’s not coming back. That’s fine, its okay.”

Garmadon blasted a rock with the Megaweapon, transforming it into an arm he struck onto his body.

“Problem solved.”

“Then, I’ll just have to erase you completely. The Truth Seeking Orbs will find you, wherever you go. Your Spinjitzu is worthless.”

Obito commanded four of his orbs to chase after Garmadon, who attempted to run away into the ongoing skirmish below. Weaving through the various battles, Garmadon finally spotted General Kozu slicing away at a Zetsu.

“Kozu!”

The stone warrior turned, his eyes looking strangely narrowed.

“Buy me some time while I think of a way to stop him!” 

Kozu said nothing for an agonizingly long time. Then, he raised his sword.

“Attack!”

“Hehe, excellen-wait, did you just speak?”

“Your time is up, Garmadon!” ‘Kozu’ snidely remarked, as his form changed into that of a White Zetsu.

All around, many of the Stone Army grabbed hold of their comrades and transformed back into Zetsu, restraining Garmadon’s troops and backstabbing them.

Literally, stabbing through their stomachs, and tossing their lifeless bodies aside.

The Kozu impersonator tried to grab Garmadon too, but his other two arms grabbed the Zetsu’s shoulder and judo-flipped him overhead, throwing him into a tree with a resounding crack, as the trunk split and fell over.

“After him!” Obito commanded, as a Zetsu squadron branched off and chased the fleeing Garmadon. 

Desperate to escape, the lord hit his head on a tree branch, causing the Helmet of Shadows to be knocked loose. With no time to lose, he picked himself up and continued running.

The Zetsu chased him further into the jungle, but one lagged behind upon seeing the discarded helmet. Picking it up, he raced back to Obito’s side, and presented the artifact.

“Hmm…this may be useful.” the ninja murmured.

…

In the forest, Garmadon could barely keep ahead of the Zetsu tide. He flipped over a fallen log, limbo’d under a canopy of leaves, and circled around another tree. 

Grabbing the branches, he stretched them back to their farthest point before letting them go, allowing them to recoil and smack two of the Zetsu across the face, flinging them away into a leaf pile.

Garmadon was about to keep running, but then-

“Wait, what am I doing?” 

Garmadon raised his weapon and cast a spell on the forest, before retreating into the shelter of a nearby cave. As the remaining Zetsu ducked under the branch-

KAZAM!

Three of the nearby trees shuffled out of the ground, their roots wiggling around as they barreled towards the Hashirama spawn. As the Zetsu frantically tried to reverse course and flee, their legs were tangled up by more of the living tree roots, leaving them helpless and dangling in the air.

Without mercy, the trees began spanking the Zetsu across their back, leaving bleeding gashes as they cried out in pain, squirming and writhing in an attempt to break free. But, to no avail.

As Garmadon exited the cave, he took a moment to admire his handiwork and chuckle, as the Zetsu ran screaming for their master.

“Hmm…they don’t seem to like those trees. And…”

As Garmadon looked closer, he saw that the scratches on the Zetsu’s backs weren’t healing.

“Could it be that, trees are his weakness?”

“Well, I don’t have any other options, so…”

With Megaweapon in tow, Garmadon raced back to the field of battle, the trees and plants saluting him as they parted.

Racing through the wilds, pricking his feet and skin on thistles, tripping over every root and getting dirt meals every 5 seconds?

“THIS is what I’ve been missing!” 

At last, Garmadon burst through the greenery, and took in the sight of…

…thousands of soldiers, all aiming their weapons at him. 

“Brilliant…wait, General Kozu!?”

Yes, even the Stone Army commander was there, his blade inches from Garmadon’s throat, and backed up by his legion.

“Yes, Garmadon. See how even your most ‘loyal’ subordinates all turn on you when they meet someone with real power.”

There, floating casually above the ground, was Obito, with one key difference: he now bore the Helm of Shadows as a crown.

“Thanks for leaving this behind, it adds that nice flair of irony to destroying you.”

“I wouldn’t get too comfy, if I were you. I have a personal attachment to that helmet, and I don’t like sharing.”

“Then come get it.” 

“Oh, I will.” Garmadon mocked, appearing behind the ninja and walking on air. 

Before he could react, Obito was struck by a fist and smashed into a horde of Zetsu and Stone Army, flipping over and over before sliding on his face a few dozen yards.

Before Obito could get up, Garmadon was there, grabbing him by the neck and flinging him into a rock, then leaping up and stomping hard on his back.

He was about to step on Obito again, but the ninja managed to summon one of his orbs just in time, causing Garmadon to dive directly into it and lose half his leg before he could pull out.

In the brief time he’d earned while Garmadon recreated his limb, Obito regained his balance and his breath, before noticing Garmadon’s hands and feet were coated in…wood?

“‘Impossible. How could he have figured out senjutsu?'”

Anxious to escape capture, Obito dodged the next set of blows from Garmadon, trying to make for the air-

Only to be stopped by several gnarled tree branches, extending quickly and grabbing hold of Obito’s four limbs. Quickly, they pulled him to the ground and began thrashing him around, slamming him into stone and dried mud ad nauseam, before finally throwing him into a field of tall grass.

Grass that quickly began pulling on Obito’s face, attempting to rip his flesh off.

The missing-nin thrashed around and dug his staff into the soil as leverage, slowly pulling himself free until he could finally breathe…albeit, with chunks of his skin removed.

“Uurgh…” Obito groaned, touching his freshly bleeding wounds and wincing.

“‘Finally, some progress.'” Garmadon pondered.

But it was too hasty, for Obito’s wounds began to close up the instant he retracted his fingers, and in a few seconds he was fully rejuvenated and charging straight at Garmadon, staff outstretched.

“Oh, this is gonna sting.”

KABAM!

CRASH!

BOOM!

Obito’s staff continued to smash into Garmadon’s head, with the lord being saved only by his protective wood helmet. In defense, Garmadon tried to use Spinjitzu and knock Obito away, but the truth seeking balls canceled it out and left Garmadon with half a leg and a missing arm.

Immediately, however, Obito was hit with the butt of the Megaweapon, disorienting the ninja and allowing Garmadon to trap a couple of the orbs with a wooden cage, bolted to the earth.

Then, he tried to recreate his limbs, but only managed to finish crafting the leg before Obito struck back, his staff missing Garmadon by inches as the dark lord sashayed underneath, sweeping his leg out to trip Obito before flying a safe distance away.

Seeking refuge, Garmadon took to the air and hid among the clouds, as the sky glowed orange with the coming of evening twilight. Obito wasn’t far behind, making a mad dash for the upper atmosphere and breaching the cloud barrier with a mach cone.

The skies slowly turned dark as Obito reached his destination, forcing him to rely on the Mangekyo Sharingan to detect his foe.

Something raced between clouds behind him.

Another movement diagonally upwards.

Coming dow-

CRACK!

A blow to Obito’s head, before the interloper fled to the safety of the clouds. He turned around and-

SMACK!

Instantly reversed to nail Garmadon with a well-placed kick, sending the lord reeling into the heart of another cloud.

He was about to pursue, when he noticed that the last traces of light peeking out from above had died. The winds carried an unmistakable chill, and the telltale sign of nightfall.

“The hour of reckoning…is nigh.”

Flying higher, Obito broke through the cloud ceiling to be greeted by open skies, and the shimmering, resplendent full moon.

“At last…”

Obito focused, and began performing a flurry of jutsus, his fingers flying back and forth as he prepared to summon forth the ultimate weapon.

From below, a rumbling shook the ground, toppling trees and splitting boulders with ease. The army was unbalanced, unfocused.

Some fell into pits, fated to never return. Others tried to run, but kept stumbling with every impact.

It was then that hell broke loose.

A massive root escaped the confines of the earth with a powerful KATHOOM, snaking upwards until it touched the sky. Then another root joined it, intertwining in midair.

Then another one, this time trailing along the ground until it found an ideal spot to dig in, sucking up nutrients.

More roots came out, following their three predecessors, until at last the creation was complete: a massive tree, lined with several dozens of branches, all with a giant bud on top.

Then, he turned his gaze to the moon, and concentrated. On his head, the skin flaps parted, revealing a hidden third eye reflecting on the moon.

From far away, the moon took on a new pattern, with the layered rings of the Rinnegan and the asterisk stars of the Sharingan, before taking on a malicious bloodred tone.

Without warning, the tree’s roots began snaking all over the island, wrapping around the soldiers and encasing them in cocoons.

“KLATA BUO!?” Kozu screamed, before he was encased along with the rest of the Stone Army. But the roots didn’t stop there.

They spread out over the oceans in all directions, reaching land in no time. They searched tirelessly in every nook and cranny, looking for the few survivors of the shinobi war and those still cowering in their homes, and captured them as well.

The roots spread across the entire world in a matter of moments, locking the planet in a state of seemingly everlasting imprisonment, while the moon observed everything high overhead.

Except Garmadon, who remained hidden behind the clouds as he probed Obito’s thoughts. The ninja had set up formidable mental barriers, but the Megaweapon’s holy energy finally penetrated the blocks, revealing-

Snarling. Howling. Growling. Unearthly, feral roars. 9 furious beasts raged within the Jinchuuriki, threatening to rip Garmadon’s mind to shreds the further he delved. 

He pulled out just in time, his brain about to come undone.

“Is this what he has to control, all the time? What enormous strength of will…perhaps I misjudged him.”

Unfortunately, it was around that time that the God Tree’s roots finally sensed Garmadon in the sky, and bolted upward in a moment to grab his leg. Without even getting to make a smart remark, Garmadon was sent careening into the base of the tree at terminal velocity, his head spinning too fast to react to the tree’s roots encircling him.

Garmadon tried to scream when his head cleared, but his mouth was already gagged. Soon he felt himself nodding off, drifting away into the aether.

“No…no, gotta…stay…awaaah…awaahke……”

…

When he finally awoke, Garmadon found himself staring at a tall building, surrounded by mountains and waterfalls. A gong rang out, echoing far into the distance.

“My old monastery.”

Then he looked down, and saw that his outfit had changed. He was adorned in his old robes as a temple master, and carried a wooden staff along with him, much like his brother.

“Have I…gone back in time?” Garmadon questioned, walking deliberately up to the front gates, which magically swung open.

“Hmph. A good try, Obito, but I won’t be caught off guard so easily.”

Leaning on the staff as to appear weak, Garmadon forged ahead, seeing a girl ahead of him, looking quite familiar. Closing the distance only made the resemblance stronger.

“Harumi?”

Yes, it was her. But not the one who led the Children of Garmadon many years ago, the one full of hatred and bitterness, trying so desperately to resurrect the darkness.

This Harumi’s eyes sparkled with joy and innocence, and her pure beauty shone through in her simple makeup and platinum blonde hair. She wore the traditional robes of ninja.

“Master Garmadon, where have you been? It’s almost time for your lesson!” Harumi giggled, grabbing the lord by the hand and dragging him along.

“Lesson? Ah, yes, of course…to whom?”

Harumi smiled as she opened the door.

“Hey dad!”

Another ninja, this one clad in green, waved hello.

“L-Lloyd?”

Then he turned, and saw an older woman grasping the boy tightly.

“Misako?”

“It’s good to see you again, my love.” Misako crooned, as she stood up and walked over with the green ninja.

“And I am more elated than anyone to have you two with me again.” Garmadon replied, giving his family a tender hug.

“Room for one more?”

An old man with a long white beard and similar master’s gi to Garmadon walked up, wrapping his arms around his brother.

“Wu!”

“I hope you don’t mind, brother. I brought the ninja with me, they were excited for your teachings.”

On cue, the doors burst open, and five more ninja burst in, all of different colors.

“Jump up!”

“Kick back!”

“Whip around!”

“And spin!”

“Do it again!”

The 5 Spinjitzu masters all dogpiled on the Garmadon family, and everyone fell in a heap, laughing to their heart’s content.

Eventually, Garmadon managed to extricate himself and stand up, tapping his staff against the matted floor.

“Alright, alright, settle down. I am still your teacher, and you will learn a lesson before the day is through.”

“Alright, ‘Master’ Garmadon. We’re waiting.” Kai, the ninja of fire, insisted, sitting on his knees in anticipation.

“Mmhmm, alright then. Today’s lesson will be the creation of the Golden Weapons, and how Ninjago was formed.”

Even though half the class had heard the stories beforehand, they all paid extremely close attention as Garmadon weaved a tale about the Oni, the Dragons, the First Spinjitzu Master, his journey to the Golden Peaks, and his creation of a realm from an empty void. He noted the great battle between the Overlord and the Spinjitzu Master, his giving birth to two sons, and finally his passing.

Garmadon was so absorbed in the lecture that he didn’t notice the gong banging to signal the end of the lesson until its fifth ringing, and the students getting up.

“Alright pupils, good lesson! Your assignment is to write a report on how you would utilize the Golden Weapons for a practical function. Two thousand words!”

“Aw, man!” Jay groaned. “But I’ve already used one of them!”

“Then you should have an easy time writing.” Garmadon retorted, chuckling a bit to himself.

“Relax, Jay. I’ll help you out.” the water ninja, Nya, interjected.

“Th-thanks.”

“Goodbye to you all. I will see you tomorrow!” Garmadon called out, as the ninja, Harumi  and Wu waved back before bowing through the door.

“Oof, I’m starved. Let’s eat!” Lloyd pleaded, as his parents laughed.

Night fell as the three Garmadons gathered around the table, dining on a feast of noodles, pork buns, and fried rice, plus some savory sweet and sour soup for good measure. 

They downed four plates full before their stomachs could take no more, and ultimately retired for the night. Garmadon crawled into bed with Misako, the two cuddling together and pecking each other on the cheek with kisses.

“I have missed you every day, Misako. Please, promise me we will stay together.”

“Of course. I don’t care if you didn’t write that letter, you’re still the bravest, most honest man I’ve ever met.”

“Good night.” the two said to each other, turning off the light.

“‘Why bring up the letter?'”

It was peaceful for an hour. 

Then, silently, Garmadon crawled out of the covers, changed into his robes, and tiptoed out of the temple, into the biting night air. There, he took in the serene, masterfully composed view of the landscape, and breathed out.

“Everything is perfect. I have the life I’ve always dreamed of living, my family by my side once more, teaching the youth of Ninjago. So, why do I still feel so empty?”

Thinking back across his long history, Garmadon knew the answer even before the words instinctually burst from his lips.

“Because it’s unearned. This life is for one who has done the ultimate good, for one whose soul is clean. Not me.”

As Garmadon’s vision clouded with tears, he took another long look at the moon. What was once pure and white was now stained red, with the telltale Rinne-Sharingan emblazoned upon it.

“That Obito…he believed a perfect world would rob me of my will to fight. And it almost worked. But now, I swear…”

“I will NEVER bow to the will of a false god!”

With Garmadon’s words, he radiated a powerful energy, cracking the world of glass and paper, before finally shattering it with a decisive blow. Everything collapsed into a black void, as Garmadon fell into infinite darkness.

Back in reality, Garmadon’s eyes snapped open, as he wriggled around to try and escape his root prison. 

At last, his hand got a grip on his Megaweapon, and he began sawing the tendrils in half one by one, until finally…

SNAP!

The bindings broke, and Garmadon rocketed out of the cage and into the island’s skyline, turning to face Obito.

“Garmadon is BACK, baby!”

“You…you actually escaped the Infinite Tsukuyomi?”

“I’m just full of surprises, don’t you know?”

Obito, rather unfazed, took one of his orbs and began reshaping it. Not into a staff, but rather a curved blade, DNA helix strands elongating into a twin-pointed edge, coated in all black.

“So am I.” the ninja countered, brandishing the Sword of Nunoboko with a deadly flourish.

“Well, that’s one way to make a statement.” Garmadon grumbled, paying particular notice to how his Megaweapon was dwarfed by about three feet.

“And this is another!” 

Garmadon had no time to react before he was forced to counter a stab from Obito, the blade mere inches from his throat. Lashing outward, Garmadon swung the weapon at Obito’s head, releasing a satisfying thunk as the weapon made contact.

The ninja’s head reeled for a moment, but he quickly bounced back, using his Rinnegan to pull Garmadon in for a slash with the sword. Undeterred, Garmadon limbo’d under the blade and delivered a brutal strike to Obito’s stomach, one that caused him to hunch over in pain.

The small window allowed Garmadon to slam down hard with the Megaweapon’s head, smashing Obito into the ground and giving him a splitting headache.

Obito barely recovered in time to activate his eye and summon-

“Misako?”

There, with her eyes sparkling, was Garmadon’s lover once again, her arms outstretched to give a hug.

In that moment, the dark lord hesitated, moving his weapon away for just a moment-

KAPOW!

And leaving him open to Obito’s sucker punch!

The powerful blow unbalanced Garmadon, knocking him back and allowing Obito to fly up and meet him, dispelling the illusionary Misako simultaneously.

As Garmadon tumbled head over heels through the clouds, Obito zoomed past and delivered an axe kick right into Garmadon’s spine, then meeting him at the receiving end to perform a downward stab into Garmadon’s heart!

Unexpectedly, Garmadon used his momentum to reshape into a Spinjitzu tornado, traveling at hyper speed to nail Obito with a powerful right hook!

The force caused Obito to drop his sword, and Garmadon seized the chance to grasp it in his palms.

“GYAAH!”

The sword stung with the force of ten thousand deathstalker scorpions, but Garmadon hung on with boundless determination. Even as his hands began to turn to dust, the lord of shadows clung harder to the weapon, his eyes burning with cold fire.

At last, the weapon’s will seemed to cower before Garmadon, and he could hold the blade with gusto.

“Wait, wait, hold on-“

SHING!

The blade pierced Obito’s stomach, annihilating his heart and rupturing the rest of his organs as it burst through his back.

Garmadon leaned close, and whispered in Obito’s ear-

“Sweet dreams.”

-before twisting the blade and slicing Obito cleanly in half.

The ninja’s two pieces fell to the ground below, disintegrating in the air as they plummeted, until the only remains were specks of ash lightly powdering the grass.

Twirling the blade around, Garmadon sheathed both his weapons, and breathed a sigh of relief.

“What…a match. I may never find someone of his level of might, ever again. It makes me almost, depressed, watching his remains scatter across the earth.”

Finally, the war could be put to rest. And Garmadon could continue his journey, and find his true pa-

SCHLICK!

A lime-green hand ripped through Garmadon’s stomach, grabbing hold of his heart and lungs.

“Ngh!”

“Im…possible…”

It was true. There, behind Garmadon’s back, was Obito, looking as healthy as ever, an evil smirk on his face.

“Izanagi. With this, even my death becomes undone, merely a figment of the imagination.”

“So…you kept it hidden…this whole time-“

“I was hoping I could finish you without it, but I realized when you tamed the sword that you are no ordinary warrior. You aren’t even on the same tier as the sannin of Konohagakure. You are something much greater, a master who could rival even the great Hashirama and Madara with his potential.”

“For that, I give my highest esteem, Lord Garmadon. And I will be sure to pay some meager respect at your grave.”

“You can go ahead and shove your respect right up your-“

Obito merely ripped the organs from Garmadon’s chest, leaving naught but a gargantuan, asymmetrical hole behind.

While Garmadon clutched his nonexistent heart, Obito took back the sword, and tried to make a play for the Megaweapon. But as soon as he touched it, he began to feel his existence disrupting.

“HRRAGH!” Garmadon lashed out, using his waning pools of strength to pull back his weapon, and stand against the Jinchuuriki.

“‘This isn’t good. I was hoping to finish him off quick, before the Izanagi takes my eyes. Seems like we’re in the endgame, now.'” Obito thought, matching Garmadon’s stance.

Immediately, Garmadon rushed in, putting all his weight into a strike with the Megaweapon. But his movements were sloppy, uncoordinated, and predictable.

Obito effortlessly sidestepped Garmadon’s blow, kicking him in the back and sending him blasting away, the lord yelling an audible curse. 

“‘He must be struggling more than I am, to make such desperate moves. This’ll be over soon.'”

As Obito rushed in, though, Garmadon unexpectedly took some of the blood welling out of his chest, and hurled it right into the ninja’s eyes, blinding him!

“Gyaah!” 

The ruby-red liquid stung as it permeated Obito’s corneas, allowing Garmadon to try and swing for a powerful hit. Unfortunately, the Izanagi kicked in just in time, wiping away the blood.

“Wha-“

Another hard SMACK with the Nunoboko Blade slammed Garmadon into the God Tree, as it tried to entangle him with its roots again.

“Ngh-not again!” Garmadon grunted, clutching his chest to hold back the pain as he hacked through the roots. He tried flying at Obito, but he moved even slower than before, stopping in midair every five seconds to cough up blood.

Before he could reach Obito, Garmadon was struck by another bout of torturous pain, so horrible that it forced him to land and curl into a fetal position to stave it off.

“Oh, Garmadon. You’re so pitiful, lying on the ground. At least face your demise like a man…demon…creature.” Obito taunted, summoning his blade and holding it up.

Garmadon flipped around, witnessing his final demise right overhead, and acted quickly!…

…he flipped to the left, missing the blade by inches.

Then he flipped to the right, as Obito stabbed up and down once again.

Over and over, the ninja missed with his blade, as Garmadon made pained spasms in all directions, complete agony racking his muscles as he flopped around.

“Stay still!” Obito commanded, performing a jutsu and summoning an open-top wood cage around the Spinjitzu lord.

“Now, prepare to di-“

KER-CRACK!

Garmadon’s foot abnormally shot out like a bullet, nailing Obito right in the jaw  and cracking some of his teeth!

The ninja fell to the ground in a daze, but the stunt had broken Garmadon’s leg outright. It dangled in a sickening limp fashion, swaying in the wind like wet paper, and Garmadon could only barely bring himself to one foot with all his injuries.

However, it seemed like his stalling was paying off, for Garmadon could see one of Obito’s eyes close up, and cease all blinking.

“‘That must be the weakness of his Izanagi technique! Every five minutes, he loses an eye. Ten more minutes, and he’ll be defenseless. I’ll have a chance to win, if I just play defensively. Time to use my secret technique!'”

“Alright, Obito.” Garmadon goaded, curling his fingers in a taunting gesture, “Come and get me, if you’re so superior.”

Furious, the ninja looked at his sword, and ultimately threw it aside before blindly rushing in, his eyes consumed by a pure, unbridled hate.

As he attempted to strike, Garmadon casually returned the favor by sidestepping himself, allowing Obito to slam into a tree full-on.

The blow didn’t stop him long, though, as Obito performed a series of jutsus.

“BLAST WAVE WILD DANCE!”

The hungry spiraling flames licked with their orange tongues at Garmadon, but the master simply used his Megaweapon as a foothold, balancing on its tip and allowing the fire to pass harmlessly underneath.

The weapon was scorched, but intact. 

“Hot Hot HOT!”

The same could not be said for Garmadon’s palms after touching the weapon again, as he flailed his hands around.

Obito took the chance to perform a stab attack with his hands, but Garmadon deftly jumped over, landed on Obito’s head, and kicked off. He slid under Obito’s next backhanded sweep, then performed a handstand to dodge a stomp attack.

The next axe kick was stopped by a high block, unbalancing Obito. The ninja tried a last-ditch spin kick, but Garmadon swiftly spun with the flow of the kick to arrive behind Obito as he fell down, pleased with his progress at slowing the ninja’s recovery.

“Why…can’t I hit you!?”

“I was hailed in my time as ‘Master of the Silent Fist’. To fight, without fighting, and wear the opponent down. And ‘eye’ see that it’s working.” Garmadon joked, as Obito’s second eye began to close.

“You…RRAAGH!” 

Obito screamed, all his pent up rage, frustration, and darkness bursting out after years of suppression, as he let loose blow after blow with his fists, with no target. Just a single-minded goal to cave in Garmadon’s face and rip his head off.

Unfortunately, now that he was blinded in two eyes, half of Obito’s strikes were aimless, thrashing through the air and using up his stamina. But none of that mattered.

He was close.

Garmadon was managing to dodge all of the attacks for now, but he still felt his strength reserves draining, and his movement slowing. Every second, the blows from Obito got closer and closer to hitting their target. And worse still, Garmadon had little charge left in his Megaweapon. A single blast more would likely end him, if not timed correctly.

Needless to say, things looked grim.

“‘I’ve got…one shot, at this. I…pant…need to…remove the beasts from within him, and stop his Truth Seeking Orbs. Then it can be finished!'”

Picking up his Megaweapon, Garmadon used one last surge of energy to perform Spinjitzu, creating a gap between him and Obito in order to enact his plan.

“Say goodnight, Juubi Jinchuuriki!” Garmadon exclaimed, as he shot a powerful beam out of the Megawaepon’s head, blasting Obito directly.

“What are you playing at here, Garmadon!? You cannot hurt me, you’re too weak!”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not trying to do that, is it?”

The intent was somewhat unclear, but after a strong tugging feeling in his chest, Obito understood.

“Never! You will NEVER rob the Bijuu from me! Their power, the power of the God Tree, is MINE!” 

With the force of his will, Obito pulled back against the energy of the Megaweapon, entering a pseudo tug-of-war with the Spinjitzu master as the Bijuu lay trapped in the middle. 

The melee continued for a minute, neither side fully giving in. But it was clear from the shifting power dynamic that Garmadon would not last long.

His bleeding chest and missing organs left his vitality close to nothing, and the energy rope rapidly began backpedaling in Obito’s direction. His sheer power and determination was easily trumping Garmadon’s remaining options.

“No No NO! Lord Garmadon never surrenders!”

“Then…power…relinquish…”

“Eh?”

“Then…relinquish…power…”

“Are you…speaking to me?”

“You must relinquish your dark power to the Megaweapon. Only then, can you solve this crisis…” noted the Megaweapon’s spirit. It was as if the First Spinjitzu Master himself had returned, using the golden scepter as a mouthpiece.

“But…but then, I’ll die!”

“That is what must be done…deliver retribution, Garmadon. For the good of all……” the voice whispered, trailing off into silence.

“‘I must be crazy, weapons don’t talk.'”

“Right?” Garmadon asked the Megaweapon, leaning in.

Nothing but dead air.

“Of course I’m right.”

“But…I am going to die anyway. If this is my only chance at victory, I will claim it!”

Garmadon strained against Obito’s power once more, but this time he began feeding his own life force, his own essence, into the weapon. No, more than that. He forced the energy in, pushing it away, allowing the Megaweapon to drink it in, satiating its limitless greed.

As he continued to fuel the Golden Weapons, their power increased exponentially, their beam widening until it was surpassing even the God Tree’s roots in size. Its relentless power battered against Obito’s flesh. So potent was its energy, that the clouds began rotating at tremendous speeds, and large quakes ravaged the island. 

Obito strained against the power of the Megaweapon, even trying to use the Rinnegan’s Preta Path to absorb and redirect the energy. But his constant use of Izanagi had already robbed too much of his sight.

Eventually, he could no longer hold back the blast, and it struck him dead-center before fusing with him.

As the energy wormed its way through Obito’s systems, it encountered each of the Bijuu one by one, and completely overpowered them as they tried to fight back. Garmadon’s dark influence quickly outclassed and intimidated the beasts, refusing to listen to their conversations, and showing complete disinterest in the idea of friendship.

Eventually, the Megaweapon’s essence towed all the Bijuu with it, straight out of Obito’s body. It seemed like a clean exit…or, it would have been, if Obito didn’t still try to put up resistance.

“Nrragh! I…won’t…succumb!” Obito roared in desperation, calling forth all of his remaining power to pull the snarling Bijuu back into his soul.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Garmadon countered, dropping the weapon and running over.

Obito tried one last fireball jutsu, but Garmadon was fast enough to barrel into Obito’s stomach and grab him tight, pushing him to the ground and beginning to choke him.

“Give…in!” Garmadon groaned, his fingers clenching tighter around Obito’s windpipe.

“Ah…gah…nev…e..r…”

Finally, Obito lost consciousness, and the Bijuu were at last free to escape into the night air, loosing themselves from Obito-

KABOOM!

And releasing a massive explosion from behind!

As the shrapnel scattered around in heaps, Garmadon and Obito lay on their backs, completely spent.

Garmadon had lost his dark complexion, his four arms, his exposed skeleton, and his oni facade. All that was left was an old man, tired and broken.

Obito, robbed of the Bijuu, was slowly dying too.

There was nothing left. Nothing, but the great beyond.

“‘Rin…I did everything I could. But, I just wasn’t strong enough.'” Obito confessed, as a small tear was shed.

Meanwhile, Garmadon tried to stand up, and found that his arm was beginning to disintegrate. He had given all he had to the Megaweapon. Now, he had nothing to keep him going.

Nothing, that is, but determination.

“Hah…Obito…are you still able to fight?”

Wiping the grime from his face, Obito stood up, holding his knees.

“Yes…but I don’t have much left in me.”

“Me neither…but I know a solution.”

“You do?”

“We finish this. The winner leaves with the loser’s soul.”

“High stakes, indeed.”

“I can sense you want to accept.”

“Hmph, reading my mind again?”

“Your heart.”

Despite the immense pain, Obito couldn’t help but smile.

“Alright, show me the power of ‘Master’ Garmadon!”

Garmadon too, let loose a toothy grin as he charged forth, Obito following suit.

Well, charging as fast as their damaged legs would allow.

The two met under the shadow of the wilting God Tree, and began throwing punches and kicks back and forth at an agonizingly snails’ pace. Each attack felt like it was traveling through molasses.

Their bones cracked, and their muscles snapped, but the two warriors continued to clash, delivering solid blows into each other’s cheeks, stomachs, chins, and ribs. But soon, the impacts began to have less and less force behind them, and every strike stopped halfway.

With one last round of heavy panting, the two raised their fists up, and began running into each other at full speed.

“RRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!” 

As the blows struck their marks, an audible crack reverberated through the air, a sound loud enough to hear around the world.

For a few tense moments, there was silence.

…

At last, Garmadon crumpled over, his fist revealed to have only grazed Obito’s chin, and lay in defeat on his stomach.

Obito, to his credit, managed to slam his fist into the dirt sturdily enough to avoid a similar fate, and stared Garmadon in the face.

“…hhh…hhh…so…you’ve…won.” Garmadon rasped.

Obito opened his mouth, but ultimately did not reply.

“Most…impressive. I see now…why you were such…a formidable ninja.”

“And you…a truly exceptional samurai.”

Garmadon delivered a wide smile, no longer filled with pain. Just quiet acceptance that he had lost.

“Obito…”

“Before I pass along my energy to you…promise me one thing.”

For the first time, Obito was compelled to listen.

“Yes?”

“Promise me, that you will change your course. Abandon this path of shadows you tread upon…before you end up as I have: broken, and alone.”

Obito paused for what seemed like an eternity. Then, he cleared his throat.

“I will try.”

“Good…”

With that, Garmadon began to dissipate, his body transforming into golden flecks.

“Garmadon.”

The former samurai stared back.

“You were never alone. You always had those who cared for you, who would risk everything, and bring the entire world to ruin, for a chance to save you. I…envy you, in that regard.”

“Do…do not give up hope. I can see, beyond the scope of this battle…an old friend, ready to see you again.”

His face initially a mask of confusion, Obito ultimately smiled, and nodded. Garmadon’s head and shoulders at last turned to dust, and the remaining scraps of Garmadon’s warmth and light floated into Obito.

With his condition stabilized, Obito stood up, and walked to the edge of the cliff.  He heard several gulls, likely flying south over the water, and pint-sized trout and mackerel flitting under the water’s surface. The sun had finally come out, too, and its warm rays felt inviting on Obito’s skin.

He didn’t know what was in store for him in the future, or if he even had a future. He didn’t know if his former allies would accept him, or how he could atone for his crimes if he wanted redemption.

But he did know that today was a new day. And he would not waste his chance.

The wind picked up again, and a single cherry blossom petal floated on the breeze to land on Obito’s cheek softly, cool against the rough texture of the artificial Zetsu skin.

“‘Rin…please, guide me.'”

As the petal caught the wind again and floated towards the east, Obito followed. His feet magnetized to the water with chakra, and he began walking.

Toward the rising sun.

---

:Aw, what?! I’m calling bullshit on that.

:The research does not lie. Now, hand over that 20 dollars.

:Alright, alright…was pretty poorly put-together research if you ask me.

:You’ll have plenty of time to debate the logistics after we explain the result, okay?

:Fiiiiiiiine.

:Honestly, this fight was really tricky to analyze, mainly just due to the nature of Garmadon’s Megaweapon, and his statistics without it. Although, we should add a disclaimer that Garmadon realistically should not have his oni powers, his undead status, and his Megaweapon all at the same time, as he acquired them in different bodies. Obito is surprisingly the easier of the two to cover, so let’s get into that.

:Starting with speed, Base Obito should at least be on par with Orochimaru, given his ability to scale to other Akatsuki members and fight Minato, a Hokage on par with Hiruzen, who also fought Orochimaru. Orochimaru was capable of dodging a beam of light, which is pretty impressive. Obito also scales to Itachi, who can perceive events at speeds 300 times lightspeed, or 17 times lightspeed in terms of reactionary capabilities (thanks Phantom).

:However, when Obito ascends into his higher forms, gaining the Rinnegan and his Juubi Jinchuuriki transformation, his speed increases dramatically. Most notably, he was able to keep up with Kyubi Chakra Mode 1 and 2 Naruto, who was able to easily outpace A, the Fourth Raikage, in speed. The Raikage is noted multiple times to be able to fight and move at the speed of light, effectively making Obito at his strongest capable of blitzing lightspeed to some degree.

:In terms of power, again, Base Obito should be comparable to the rest of the Akatsuki, including Kisame, who was noted to possess Jinchuuriki-tier levels of Chakra, and was even noted to have power on the level of the Tailed Beasts themselves at his strongest, being referred to as a “Tail-less Beast”.

:One Bijuu was capable of creating a massive explosion with its Bijuu bomb so potent in scope, it easily dwarfed entire mountain ranges. When noting its destructive power, a single Bijuu bomb can likely generate power up to 60 petatons of TNT! That’s enough to outclass the Tsar Bomba over 250 million times over!

:And that’s just base Obito. Upon ascending into his Juubito form, he got strong enough to contend with Naruto channeling the full power of Kurama’s chakra! This would easily put Obito above base form Naruto (heh), whose chakra tore a hole in the moon, reaching up to 18 zettatons of TNT. That’s almost planet-busting right there, folks. And it probably would have been, if it weren’t for some damn mistranslations.

:Moving on to Garmadon, pinning his power level down is…tricky. At minimum, he should scale to Morro due to overpowering Lloyd upon his rebirth, with Lloyd and the other ninja being able to fight Morro. Morro could make storms, reaching a peak of 732 kilotons of TNT. Seemingly weaker than Obito…until we factor in elements like the Megaweapon.

:The Megaweapon is essentially a fusion of the four Golden Weapons, and is far more powerful than the sum of their parts. The Golden Weapons were used by the First Spinjitzu Master, long ago, to create Ninjago after he left the realm of Oni and Dragons.

:Now, there is some debate on what exactly the Spinjitzu Master created. Some argue the master created the entire realm of Ninjago, but this seems to not be the case. As revealed in the latest season of the series, the realm of Ninjago already contained an ocean long before the First Spinjitzu Master even created the Golden Weapons, so it’s impossible for the First Master to have created everything in the Ninjago realm. Along with that, it’s stated that most of the Spinjitzu master’s actions have occurred on the island of Ninjago, like how he split Ninjago Island into two halves in order to escape the Stone Army.

:Along with that, the Temple of Light and the Golden Peaks used to create the Golden Weapons, which created Ninjago, already existed prior to the arrival of the Spinjitzu Master. Even in the flashback Misako tells of the creation of Ninjago and the Stone Army, we only see things like trees, rocks, and streams being created, rather than anything stellar. A later story told about Ninjago’s creation also leans towards it being island creation, with the portrayal of the new “world” being shown as a combination of light and dark, yin and yang. Exactly like how the island of Ninjago was first created.

:All of this combined together makes it seem fairly likely that the Golden Weapons only created the island of Ninjago, rather than the entire realm.

:On the bright side, while it could be argued that Garmadon only scales to this level of power with the Megaweapon, the fight with the Golden Master may show otherwise. The master possessed all the power of the past Golden Weapons and the Megaweapon, making him equal in potency to the First Spinjitzu Master when he created Ninjago. And Zane was able to destroy the Master’s body by releasing all of his power at once, with Garmadon being on Zane’s level.

:It does seem like an outlier for regular tier ninja to even be in the same league as the Golden Master, but it is backed up by each of the ninja being able to wield the power of a single Golden Weapon, and the fact that the four Ninja with their elemental swords were able to give Lloyd the power he needed to transform into the Ultimate Spinjitzu Master, equal to the Overlord and the First Spinjitzu Master. So, Garmadon downscaling from the four Golden Weapons’ power on his own is feasible.

:Moving onto speed, Garmadon can keep up with ninja on the level of Nya, who could fight Nadakahn the Djinn. Nadakahn was capable of dodging 8 close-range Nindroid lasers, putting him at an impressive pace of reacting within 9.06 nanoseconds (which is quite fast, don’t you know). However, it reaching just under relativistic speeds is no match for Obito being able to casually blitz the speed of light.

:There is something else to note, though. The Golden Weapons and Megaweapon actually have a fairly impressive feat, where they traveled into space extremely quickly after they collided in the past. We know they went to space, because an entire plot point was about retrieving them from a comet to revive the Golden Master.

:Looking at the scene, the weapons seemingly travel so far, they become completely unseen, even when compared to the other stars in the night sky, before exploding and creating a new light source. Originally, it appeared as though the weapons had made a new star, something that was even clarified by the co-creator of Ninjago as late as 2016. However, the episode “The Void”, released in 2014, showed that instead they had landed on the comet Delta V.

:It’s hard to say which version is most accurate, as Andreasen and the writers of the episode have had a number of disagreements on Ninjago lore in the past. But considering that Andreasen’s statement was made after the episode where Delta V first appeared, there is weight to the idea that the Golden Weapons did actually create the star, and then potentially landed on Delta V afterward, since the light they created still exists in the present after the events of “Wrong Place, Wrong Time”. Especially since said writers have never come out and said the Golden Weapons creating a star was untrue. 

:Granted, it could be argued that the star in question was the Delta V comet, but when looking at the portrayal of the light at the end of the episode, it doesn’t match the depiction of a comet that one can see from Earth, lacking the distinctive tail. The light could also just be a planet, but the depiction of the light more closely resembles the stereotypical depiction of a four-pointed star.

:With that in mind, the nearest star from Earth is about 4.2 light years away, meaning that in order for the Golden Weapons to create a new star in as short a time as they did, they likely would have to travel millions of times the speed of light!

:And this actually would make sense if they fell to Delta V afterwards, because the Golden Weapons were fused together when they were found on the comet (likely from intense heat), and the comet would have had a few years after that to travel to Earth and be found by the ninja later.

:So, the Golden Weapons can reach a theoretical maximum of Planet to Star level and MFTL+. But, would this scale to Garmadon himself?

:Well, with the Megaweapon, he could possibly reach those speeds. This was the Golden Weapons and Megaweapon in their death throes, so potentially, a normal Megaweapon should be able to amplify Garmadon’s speed to match that level…but only in theory. In practice, Garmadon still has to make wishes on the Megaweapon in order for its power to activate, so a faster opponent can still likely blitz Garmadon before he used the weapons’ power. However, he should be able to reach the supposed stellar levels of power, due to downscaling from the Golden Master.

:So, Obito generally takes AP and speed, unless you use the higher end scaling of things like the Golden Weapons (and speed is still in Obito’s favor most likely, due to his reactionary feats being superior to Garmadon’s). Which normally would end the debate quickly, but there is another aspect to go over: their abilities.

:Garmadon actually has quite a few abilities of his own, but most of them are seemingly countered or rendered inferior to those of Obito’s. Garmadon can make shadow clones? Obito can make more clones. Garmadon has the element of destruction to erase existence? Obito can do that while also nullifying Spinjitzu itself, due to its similarity to ninjutsu. Garmadon has a colossus? Obito can summon the Juubi. Garmadon can summon the Stone Army and command them with the Helmet of Shadows? Obito can potentially steal the helmet to command that army, while also still having his own army of Zetsu.

:This isn’t to mention that Juubito himself also possesses solid counters to Garmadon’s options, such as being able to resist Garmadon’s power nullification and existence erasure due to having the Juubi chakra within him and scaling to ninja resisting the Truth Seeking Orbs due to said chakra.

:However, Garmadon does actually possess some of his own counters to Obito. Because of his oni heritage, Garmadon does negate the power nullification abilities of the Truth Seeking Orbs to an extent, because he can simply regain his powers through continued battle, or by concentrating. Obito could potentially counter this by not fighting Garmadon, and weakening his powers like Lloyd did, but more than likely Garmadon would catch onto this strategy and resort to sneak attacks to get around the Kamui. Or just avoid having to deal with it altogether when Juubito shows up.

:And because the TSO negate regeneration via nullifying ninjutsu, it’s possible Garmadon could still use his regeneration even after being hit by the orbs. And even if he couldn’t, he can simply use the Megaweapon to create new limbs.

:He also nullifies the abilities of the Sharingan, due to being able to defy the fate and predictions of the Sword of Sanctuary and the Writers of the Cloud Kingdom as an Oni, and the Sharingan hasn’t been shown to have layers of precognition in the same way its mindhax has functioned. Garmadon can even resist the existence erasure properties of the Truth Seeking Orbs, as he is strong enough to hold the Megaweapon and all four Golden Weapons without being wiped from existence, unlike most other characters in the series. It could be argued that Garmadon lost this resistance after being resurrected, since he was no longer in his original body. But since Garmadon was resurrected in his four-armed form, the same form he got in the Realm of Madness to control the four weapons to begin with, it would make sense if he at least kept that power, in spite of being fully revived.

:Speaking of the mindhax, there is an irony in that Garmadon’s strongest form is actually the least able to deal with elements like the Genjutsu, and the Infinite Tsukuyomi. If Garmadon was still in his undead state prior to his return as Master Garmadon, he would actually fully counter the Infinite Tsukuyomi, just as the Edo Hokage did. However, Garmadon did not access his Oni heritage while he was undead, so there is no reason to give Garmadon both sets of abilities from both his bodies. And if Obito did cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi, Garmadon wouldn’t have knowledge of the need to be undead to counter it until it was too late…unless he used the Megaweapon.

:And now, we finally get to that. Garmadon’s without a doubt, ace in the hole. The Megaweapon is a tool that, in the right hands, can theoretically accomplish almost anything. It’s only true limitation is that it can only be used for creation, not destruction, but otherwise we’ve seen it do things like revive the dead, create portals through time, create enormous fissures, and even create entire stars in its destruction (arguably).

:However, it’s main weakness is the biggest nail in the coffin for Garmadon: its need for wishes in order to activate its reality-bending powers. Without that, the weapon is merely just a big beater Garmadon can use to overpower others. So, theoretically, Garmadon could do things like gain the power to read minds to counter Obito’s strategies, or wish Obito into a frog, or anything else. But more than likely, Garmadon would get blitzed before he could do any of those things.

:And all of Obito’s tools just help enhance his survivability even further. Not only can he phase through dimensions with Kamui to make it easier to access his higher forms (something that Garmadon has no way to counter naturally), but Obito has a natural speed advantage, can more easily access his most powerful equipment (as opposed to Garmadon losing much of his arsenal as he progresses through his story), and Obito can summon an army of clones to further disorient Garmadon, along with Izanagi to reverse his death and any misfortune that comes his way for 10-15 minutes, giving him ample time to simply land a Genjutsu or the Infinite Tsukuyomi, and incapacitate Garmadon permanently. Izanagi in particular is a great counter to one of the biggest pieces of Garmadon’s arsenal that Obito doesn’t resist: the ability to de-age others. With his eyes, Obito can simply reverse the age change, and continue the fight as normal.

:Ultimately, what the debate comes down to is who is more likely to get off a solid win condition first: Garmadon being able to theoretically one-shot or use some extremely specific ability with the Megaweapon, or Obito being able to simply use Genjutsu or the Infinite Tsukuyomi to trap Garmadon in a permanent mindhaxxed state. And in all honesty, even with the speed disadvantage, it might have been possible for Garmadon to take it due to his resistances, if it weren’t for the Genjutsu and IT being very in-character options for Obito to use that current Garmadon doesn’t resist, or even Obito being able to fall back on the Human Path’s soul manipulation (another thing Garmadon doesn’t resist). In fact, Garmadon even getting the Megaweapon or the Stone Army should not be allowed, as he lost those elements fairly early on in his story and has no realistic means to re-obtain them. They were mainly used for the purposes of a more interesting fight scene.

:Without them, Garmadon may still be able to one-shot, but the reduction of hax means he has even less opportunities to finish Obito off before the Uchiha lands his mind control abilities. In fact, without the Megaweapon, Garmadon loses his only way to deal with Obito simply leaving Garmadon in the Kamui dimension for eternity, ending the fight right there (although this last point could be discarded if Obito began the fight as a Jinchuuriki). Garmadon’s biggest flaw here was that he technically had most of the resistances he needed, but they were all spread out amongst forms that he couldn’t have all at once, meaning he could only have a select few resistances at any time, while Obito (for the most part) could have all of his abilities available to use at any time, with the exception of Juubito lacking Kamui.

:The fight was truly close, and could have gone either way, but Obito’s speed, survivability, more convenient access to his arsenal, and control over his opponent’s mind and soul gave him just enough to scrape the win, whether Garmadon was star level, universe level, or island level.

:You could say Garmadon was Garma-gone after this fight!

:The winner is Obito Uchiha.

————————————————————–

As Obito continued to cross the expansive ocean, he was suddenly stricken by a horrible pain from his right side.

His lapse in focus caused his chakra control to suffer, weakening the cohesive bond between his feet and the water.

“GAAH! What’s…happening!”

“Why, just what’s supposed to happen…” a nasty voice responded, somewhere within Obito himself.

Half of Obito’s body began morphing, growing eyes, a nose, and a mouth as it unfurled.

“Zetsu!”

“Yes. You didn’t expect everything to be magically fixed, did you? I won’t let you abandon the plan, or escape. Everything must go exactly as envisioned. Fortunately, you’ve already helped speed the plan along by raising the God Tree. Soon, the time will be ripe to summon the godd-“

Zetsu decided to shut up before he said anymore.

“What are you…the goddess? The goddess Kaguya?”

The Zetsu continued to manipulate Obito’s right half, draining the chakra from his foot, and ignored him.

“So…the Infinite Tsukuyomi, the God Tree, that was all just to resurrect Kaguya? You manipulated me, and Madara, just to summon her?”

“Yes, that’s right. I guess you’re not as stupid as other mortals. I am trying to revive Mother Kaguya. In fact, it’s already starting! Can’t you sense it?”

Obito extended his chakra sensing back a few miles, and noted the pulsating Bijuu mass that was growing exponentially more powerful as it absorbed the God Tree’s chakra.

“You were such a good little pawn, Obito, moving around the board in just the right way. But unfortunately, your usefulness has come to an end. So, it’s time for you to be removed from play…permanently.”

With the gauntlet thrown, Zetsu attempted to force Obito down into the water. Desperate, Obito scanned for anything to secure himself on, and ultimately sensed a beach. Quickly, he hopped across the water on one foot, and dug his fingers into the sand.

“Oh, come on. Do you think such a pathetic attempt at survival will help you?” Zetsu jeered, as he pulled harder on Obito’s flesh, the ninja clinging to life.

“You’re so pitiful. Despite all your desperate clamoring for power, you’re still the same sad little waste of skin, crushed under that boulder. You can’t help yourself, and you can’t help anyone else. So just give up, and do the first intelligent act you’ve ever done!”

It was then that Obito snapped.

“Fine, Zetsu, I’ll throw myself into the ocean.”

“Very go-“

“And I’m taking you with me!” 

Obito let go of the beach, and flung himself into the water.

The two floated down to the depths, as Obito took his free hand and clutched the right side of his body. With tremendous force, he began tugging and yanking on it, ripping apart the muscle and skin keeping his two halves together.

“Blub…blub…Obito…think of what you’re doing…I might change my mind, you ARE useful…please…”

“It’s just like you said, Zetsu. I’m making the first intelligent decision of my entire life.”

With one great final tug, Obito wrenched the Zetsu half of his body off!

As he began spilling blood like a firehose from the open gap in his flesh, Obito spun the Zetsu around and threw him even further down. Then, he sensed a giant rock on a ledge.

Using his waning strength, Obito swam over to the stone and began pushing. It was slow going, but eventually he felt the sand underneath shift, as the rock got closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, he did one last push, and the boulder fell off the side and crashed into the Zetsu, forcing him down even faster.

“Obito! I’ll destroy youuuuuuuuuu!”

The Zetsu smashed into the ocean floor, trapped by the rock. His fingers twitched, and then moved no more.

Satisfied with his handiwork, Obito began swimming for the surface. But by this time, he was far too weak, and had lost too much stamina. He couldn’t stroke fast enough with just half his body, and was out of breath.

And so, he drifted down to the deepest trench, delivering a half-smile.

“Rin…I’ll…see…you…s.o..ooo…n…”

The last thing Obito heard before he blacked out was the sound of a familiar voice.

————————————————————–

When he came too, Obito found himself in a white void, with nothing around for miles. He could also see again.

“Is this…heaven?”

“Not quite.”

Obito turned to see a young woman, with beautiful raven black hair and kunoichi garb. Although her face was young and pure in appearance, her eyes betrayed millennia of knowledge and wisdom.

“Rin…”

She didn’t respond back, merely standing there.

After a little while, Obito attempted to run up and deliver a passionate embrace, but every step he took pushed him further and further back, widening the gulf between them by several miles.

“Rin, what’s happening?”

“You don’t belong here.”

“What?”

“It’s not your time. You haven’t done enough to earn your place here.”

“I don’t understand. I stopped the Black Zetsu!”

“And you left Kaguya to resurrect, and plunge the world into further destruction. That, and the God Tree’s roots are still active!”

“I’m dead, what do you expect me to do about it?”

“Obito Uchiha, I thought you wanted to be the Hokage. Do you think Hiruzen or Hashirama or Minato would have accepted death like this? They would have made sure the world was safe and that the future generations would be able to keep the peace!”

“Well, I-“

“That’s just like you, crybaby. When things get tough, you just give up. You’ve run away from your past, your friends, and your honor as a shinobi. If you want to become Hokage, you’re doing a poor job at it.” Rin reproached, her gaze steely.

“She’s right, you know.”

Materializing next to Rin was Garmadon, reborn. His hair now took on a pristine chestnut sheen, and his master robes shimmered as if they’d been freshly pressed.

“When I gave you my powers, I expected you would use them to counteract your crimes. Instead, you’re content just dying and not avenging the lives of the shinobi you’ve slaughtered.”

“And you, the lord of darkness who committed countless atrocities against Ninjago and the rest of the world, is going to lecture me about morality and rectification?”

“I never claimed I was innocent. That’s why I’m trying to help you, to atone for my crimes. But I can’t do that without you.”

“Fine. Let’s say I did want to stop Kaguya. My body is resting at the bottom of a trench in the Hagoromo-forsaken ocean.”

“Well…not exactly. Let’s just say, your old friend gets around.” Garmadon replied sheepishly, rubbing his head.

“Now, go back, and make up with everyone as best as you can. And prove yourself fit to be Hokage, Tobi.”

With that, Rin and Garmadon began to disappear. But not before Rin floated over to Obito, and planted a passionate kiss on his lips.

It only lasted a few seconds, but the moment lived for eons in Obito’s mind.

“‘Is…is this what true love feels like? I need to experience it again, someday.'”

Finally, Rin’s lips parted from Obito, and she smiled.

“Save the world, and I might give you another one.”

With that, she disappeared, and Obito’s world whited out.

…

(stop music)

When he came to, Obito noted how he was blind again. 

“‘Maybe using Izanagi wasn’t worth it.'”

From what his chakra sensing could tell him, Obito was in an encampment filled with ninja. In his immediate vicinity, he detected four of them: One with the Rinnegan, one with a Kamui Sharingan, and two with the Byakugo.

“‘Kakashi…and three others.'”

“I still don’t understand why we have to keep him alive. He’s blind, and no use in combat.”

“Sasuke, I know that you hate him. I do too. But, at least try to show some compassion.”

“You’re annoying.”

“WHAAA!”

“Sakura! Behave yourself!” said an older voice, slightly disoriented in tone.

“‘Tsunade…just as commanding as ever.'”

Racked with agony, Obito tried to sit up, only for a Kunai to be jammed into his throat, just a few millimeters from the jugular.

“Don’t even try it.” Tsunade ordered.

Obito lay back down.

“Looks like our ‘honored guest’ is awake.” she muttered, sheathing her weapon. “I don’t have time to deal with him right now, the Kage are holding an emergency meeting and I have to be there.”

Obito listened to her footsteps as she walked, lifted the tent flaps, and left.

“Why don’t you two go with her? You could use the experience.” noted the third voice, much smoother in tone.

Obito could sense a fair amount of unease and hostility, but finally the two teens withdrew, leaving Obito and Kakashi alone.

Once the others were out of earshot, Kakashi leaned in close, his breath warm on Obito’s face.

“Alright, start talking. What do you know about what’s happening with the God Tree?”

“More importantly, how did you escape its roots? They’re supposed to home in on anything with chakra.”

“Sasuke’s Susano’o, it protected us.”

“That’s impossible, unless…six-paths chakra, that must be it.”

“You knew this would happen?”

“I always sensed that Sasuke would grow into a powerful fighter. He is Uchiha in blood and spirit.”

“He had a good rival as well.”

Now the conversation had shifted into more awkward territory.

“Kakashi, I-“

“Don’t. I haven’t forgiven you for murdering my student, my friend. I don’t take loss easily.”

“I know. I saw you every year by my gravestone, delivering touching eulogies. Sometimes, I almost wanted to come out of the shadows, and meet you face-to-face. Then I turned back.”

“Obito, I did everything I could for Rin-“

“I know, you did what you had to do.”

“Then why go through all this?”

“Because, you had to do it.”

Silence, as Kakashi looked on in sorrow.

“Imagine what would have happened if the Hidden Mist, or Madara, or anyone, didn’t have the motivation to commit these heinous acts. If they could be forever satisfied with their lives, and never feel greed, sorrow, hate, or pain. If they never needed to change their position through illicit means. This is what the Infinite Tsukuyomi would have provided. An eternal safe haven for all.”

“Until Kaguya destroyed it.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that now. But, you understand, Kakashi. The need to give up so much, and throw away promises to one person, in order to save many other lives. That’s why you pierced Rin’s heart, isn’t it? And you hated that you had to put duty above your friendships.”

As much as Kakashi didn’t want to admit it, there was truth to the statement.

“I know that what I have done cannot be undone. And I know that it can’t be made up for with simple apologies. This is a long-term atonement I’m willing to undergo. The past is the past, and Kaguya is about to be reborn. So I will find a way to stop her. You cannot deter me. You need my help.”

Kakashi gave off waves of anxiety and distrust, but remained silent. His Sharingan seemed to bore a hole right into Obito’s mind.

“Need I remind you that you owe your status of copy ninja to me first giving you that Sharingan.”

Another long pause, uncomfortably so. But at last, Kakashi sighed.

“Fine. You can help.”

Obito smirked, before attempting to get up. But he was stopped by Kakashi’s hand on his shoulder.

“Only on a trial basis. And you need to swear on your life that you won’t betray us if we restore your sight.”

If Obito still had his eyes, they would be rolling. But, he sensed there was no other way to move on.

“I swear on my life.”

“Good. Because if I ever believe your allegiances will shift for even a moment, I will be personally responsible for gutting and eviscerating you.”

Obito nodded, before putting his foot-er, feet, on the ground.

“We restored your body already. We’re not that heartless.”

Somewhere behind that mask of his, Obito could tell Kakashi was grinning.

Obito attempted to stand up, only for his legs to falter, causing him to stumble. Desperate, he grabbed Kakashi’s shoulder to right himself.

“You must be overjoyed to see me like this, Kakashi. Weak, helpless, so dependent on others. Just like back when you first became a jonin.”

“If you really want to relive old times, there’s a rock on a hill nearby.”

“Haha, let’s just get to the Kage meeting.”

Obito leaned on Kakashi as the two ninja limped out of the tent, before Obito let Kakashi fully take over as they headed to the Kage tent.

Along the way, Obito felt ripples of hostility, fear, and undisguised hatred in the muttering directed at him.

“‘Let them jeer.'”

At last, the two made it to the tent, and lifted the flaps to walk inside.

“…need to strike back now!” the Raikage roared, his booming voice dominating the conversation as always.

“Now, now, hold on.” another voice, much more mischievous and wise in delivery, retorted. “If this Kaguya is as dangerous and powerful as you say, then we need a plan. Only fools would rush into a battle with nothing but weapons.”

“Why should we listen to an outsider like YOU?!”

“And what’s HE doing here?” the Raikage demanded, making sure to put every ounce of venom he could into the words he spat at Obito.

The other ninja finally noticed his presence, and let out a collective array of hisses, boos, and jeers.

“Kakashi, I hope you have a good explanation for storming into this meeting with that traitor.” Gaara ordered.

“Great Kage, Obito Uchiha is here under my protection.” Kakashi insisted. “But that’s not important right now. I see we have guests?”

“Yes.” Onoki replied. “They came from the far east, farther than any country we have known about. They say they can help us with this crisis.”

Then, one of the guests stood up, and began walking slowly towards Obito, his staff clattering on the floor with every move, until he stood level. He began a thorough examination all over, before gasping-

“Garmadon!?”

The other ninja stared with looks of abject shock.

“What have you done to my brother!?” the old man threatened, his staff aimed right at Obito’s heart.

“Sensei Wu, please stop this!” the white-clad ninja insisted.

“You should listen to your protege, Sensei. Your brother just graciously donated his essence to me for a more important cause.”

“And why should I believe yo-“

To assuage his fears, an imprint of Garmadon appeared next to Obito, placed his ghostly hand over Wu’s head, and rubbed his hat.

As the silhouette vanished, Wu’s mask of shock faded, once more replaced by his typical cool head.

“Very well. We will work with you.” 

Immediately, the Raikage bolted upward and stared with a look of defiance.

“Since when did YOU start making the decisions!?”

Slowly, Wu turned and fixed the Raikage with the coldest, most master-ly look he could muster.

“I have lost a brother today. I am not in a good mood. Do not push me over the edge, or you WILL regret it…A.”

The mighty willpower of the Spinjitzu master was potent enough that even the mighty Raikage bowed his head and sat back down.

“Now…” Wu continued, turning back to Obito. “Can you lead us to where this Kaguya was forming?”

“It was an island, with a giant mountain…and some kind of temple at the peak.”

“The Dark Island.” muttered Cole, the ninja of earth.

“Well, that’s great! You four can go back to the island and give Lloyd his golden power back, and win!” noted Nya, the water-elemental ninja.

“Not that simple. When the Golden Master took Lloyd’s golden power, it left us with just a fraction of it. Our strength isn’t enough to restore his energy.” Kai explained.

Everyone hung their heads upon hearing the depressing news, but Obito stepped forward.

“I have another alternative. Your friend Garmadon possessed a golden weapon of his own, able to change reality with seemingly no limit.”

“The Megaweapon? It’s back?” Jay exclaimed.

“Shh!”

“With his spirit, I should be able to possess the weapon to fight back against Kaguya…provided you restore my sight.” Obito offered, throwing down his last ultimatum.

“Absolutely not. You cannot be trusted.” Tsunade retorted.

“Maybe not. In that case, feel free to charge in and exact justice on Kaguya. I’m sure it will work out.”

“You insolent-“

“Whelp? Snake? Stop me if I’m getting warmer. The fact is, you can either trust me, or be destroyed. Your choice.”

“We wouldn’t have to trust you if you hadn’t murdered Naruto.” Gaara cut in, his fingers crushing the sides of his chair.

“I know, everyone keeps coming back to that. I never claimed to be innocent. But the past is gone. Only the future matters, and how I can help you.”

Everyone in the tent was silent, pondering the best course of action.

“We will adjourn to discuss this in private.” Onoki concluded, as the five Kage retreated to the back room.

The other ninja began conversing amongst themselves, some still shooting angry looks at Obito. But others nodded in approval.

“You spoke well.” Kakashi said.

“I learned from some excellent teachers.”

“Such as?”

“Humility, life, Madara, Minato…you.”

If Kakashi was surprised, he did a good job hiding it.

After a little while, the Kage returned.

“We have reached a decision!” the Raikage barked.

“We will help you reclaim this…Megaweapon, and destroy Kaguya.” the Mizukage concluded.

“And we’ll help too!” Sakura exclaimed, dragging a clearly uncomfortable Sasuke in for a hug.

“About time you all saw it my way.” Obito muttered.

“Tsunade, fix his eyes.” Kakashi insisted. “A deal’s a deal.”

The busty kunoichi still seemed rather uneasy with the agreement, but she ultimately conceded, using her healing prowess to reopen all of Obito’s eyes.

“Ah, to see once more. No feeling quite like it.” 

“Now, we must make haste. Time is not on our side.” Sensei Wu insisted, as he, a select few ninja, the Kage, and Obito left the tent.

Once they were safely out of range of the camp, Obito used his Kamui to teleport everyone to the Dark Island.

There was no need to look for Kaguya. Her form blotted out the moon, as her dress flapped in the wind.

Glancing around, Obito spotted the Megaweapon lying in the dirt, still shining as bright as ever. Tentatively, the ninja picked up the weapon, and felt a comforting warmth from the shaft. He had been accepted.

Using the weapon as a crutch, Obito walked forward, standing side-by-side with Kakashi.

“Are you sure you’re ready, old friend?” the masked ninja questioned.

“You’re looking at the future Hokage. Just try to keep up.”

“That’s my line!” 

The two exchanged a small grin, before Kakashi stepped back, leaving Obito as the sole fighter heading the force.

“Lead us, then, Hokage.”

Obito turned, and saw that everyone else, albeit begrudgingly, was nodding their heads in respect to his power, and his authority.

“Then…”

“CHARGE!”

The ninja alliance leapt into battle, Obito aiming the Megaweapon at Kaguya with the spirit of Garmadon by his side.

…

…

It had been a few years since that final battle with Kaguya. The world was at peace, and the God Tree was no more.

Oh, sure, a lot had happened since then. Obito was incarcerated, obviously. Life in prison for mass genocide against the Hidden Villages and starting a war.

But slowly, Obito began to earn back the favor of Konoha. He helped in fending off raids against the Hidden Leaf, assisted with jobs whenever he could, and saved the lives of many ninja with the powers he’d gained from Garmadon.

He proved himself a popular figure among the ninja, telling stories of his time in the Akatsuki and in ninja skirmishes. Everyone began to look up to him.

And all too soon after, Tsunade announced that she was retiring as Hokage. She said it was to get back into her life of gambling and booze.

When the voting process for the next Hokage came around, the votes were surprisingly mostly in favor of Obito. There were a couple votes for Sasuke and Kakashi, but the public definitely had a favorite.

There was some outcry from a vocal minority about a wanted criminal becoming Hokage, but Obito worked tirelessly in the coming years to relieve their doubts. He organized several village improvement campaigns, coordinated successful territory gains, and created a new memorial shrine to honor all those who had died in the Fourth Shinobi World War. He even established trade routes and communications with the ninja of the far east.

And now, he stood at the head of a particular gravestone. One for the Nine and Eight-Tails Jinchuuriki, 25 years after that final battle.

He placed several flowers next to the stone, before standing up and paying respects.

“Obito.”

The ninja turned to see Kakashi, striding over to him.

“I knew I would find you here.”

“I figured I’d take a page out of your book, and honor a comrade.”

The two men stood silent, watching over the grave. Then-

“Thank you, Obito. For…for taking good care of this village.”

“It’s still not enough to erase my crimes.”

“Maybe not. But your determination to right your wrongs is reassuring.”

“I know I can stay on the correct path, as long as I have you, and the others, to keep myself there.”

Kakashi simply patted Obito’s back, as the two stared into the endless blue sky. His friend couldn’t see it, but Obito noted three silhouettes in the sky, all smiling down at him.

“‘Thank you…my friends.'”

---

Obito Uchiha vs Lord Garmadon: Smackdown Warm-Up!

:Morality is a fickle concept. One that can’t so easily be split into good, and evil, and can’t be predetermined for the entirety of a lifespan.

:Despite the earnest attempts of many to do good, excel, and protect those they care about, some men are twisted, reshaped, and corrupted, turning into dark inversions of who they once aspired to be, serving under malicious influences and discarded when necessary.

:But ultimately, they break free from the malevolent hold on their psyche, and embrace the light before passing on.

:Such as Lord Garmadon, the dark overlord and son of Ninjago’s greatest warrior.

:And Obito Uchiha, the masked ninja and devout follower of the Moon’s Eye Plan.

:Both of these fighters are incredibly powerful in their own right, but today they will meet on the field of war, and decide who among them is truly worthy of the title of “Lord”.

:I am Clank.

:I’m Junior!

:And I’m JJ. And it’s time…for a smackdown!

---

:Long ago, before the land of Ninjago was even conceived, there existed two races: the Oni, and the Dragons. They constantly fought each other, as the yin and the yang, with seemingly no way to ever come to peace.

:That is, until a child was sired of both bloodlines. Initially, it seemed like this would be the perfect way to come to a resolution, but eventually both sects began fighting over the boy. Annoyed, he left the realm of Oni and Dragons, and journeyed to a new realm.

:There, he forged four mystical weapons in the Golden Peaks and Temple of Light, and used them to create a new world to call home: Ninjago.

:However, his creation of a light world also brought forth the dark, in the form of the Overlord and his army of stone. Unable to beat them after a long seige, the great master split his island in two, trapping the Stone Army and Overlord on the other half.

:Eventually, he grew old, and realized he needed to train successors. So, as in accordance with the balance, he gave birth to two sons, each with one quarter of oni DNA. One was a boy named Wu, and the other…was Garmadon.

:Aw, that kid? He looks so cute! No way he’s the bad guy.

:Well, he wouldn’t have been…if he hadn’t been bitten by an immortal venomous reptile that turned every cell in Garmadon’s body to evil.

:Oh.

:As the years passed, Garmadon met a beautiful woman named Misako, and sought to make her his. So, in what would be one of the greatest mistakes he ever made, Garmadon stole Wu’s letter to Misako and presented it to her as his own, ultimately winning her favor and marrying her. They even gave birth to a boy, Lloyd Garmadon.

:Garmadon had many more adventures with Wu and without, either training as a disciple of the heartless Master Chen to destroy the Anacondrai Serpentine, or fighting the ruthless time twins Acronix and Krux to save the timestream, or trying to be a good father to his child.

:Eventually, however, Garmadon’s heart became too far gone, and he attempted to steal the Golden Weapons from the wall, putting him in conflict with his brother. Light and dark met in battle, and in the end the dark Garmadon was sent plummeting into the depths of the Underworld.

:Undeterred, he defeated the Skulkin general Samukai in one-on-one combat, and took control of the entire Skeleton army, seeking to gain the power of the Golden Weapons for himself.

:Wait, was that his entire arc?

:Nooope. Just everything prior to the formation of the four Ninja.

:What the hell is Ninjago lore, I’m so used to NINJAGO, NINJAGO COME ON COME ON, COME ON AND DO THE WEEKEND WHIP!

:Yes, well, it’s not all about jumping up, kicking back, whipping around or spinning. Garmadon was a true menace, a powerhouse fighter unlike any other. He was already potent enough in the Underworld, but upon traveling to the Realm of Madness, he gained an extra set of arms, allowing him to control all four Golden Weapons! An impressive feat, considering that Samukai, another four-armed fighter, was erased from existence completely.

:And Garmadon quickly put his newfound power to work, using the four weapons to kill the Great Devourer, a snake the size of several city blocks, and create a brand new Megaweapon by fusing the Golden Weapons together. This “Megaweapon” was incredibly potent, being able to warp reality and create almost anything Garmadon could think of, with the only caveat being its inability to destroy anything directly.

:Just like a genie!

:No, that’s later. Anyway, the big cheese somehow found a way to screw that up, and his Megaweapon crashed into a far-off comet. Luckily, he found a nice substitute in the form of the Stone Army, a massive fighting force to take over Ninjago, alongside a special tank known as Garmatron. This mech allowed the lord to shoot concentrated evil bullets all over, shifting the balance in Ninjago to the side of darkness…and allowing the Overlord to possess his body.

:Whoops.

:Well, after a good old final battle, Garmadon was restored to his human self, and became a sensei again. His favorite art form was the Silent Fist, allowing him to fight without fighting. This technique was so potent, it even allowed Garmadon to defeat Ultimate Spinjitzu Master Lloyd! You know, the guy who beat the Overlord, a rival of the First Spinjitzu Master? Yeah, pretty impressive.

:And it seemed like everything was gonna be hunky-dory…until Garmadon was revealed as a pupil of Chen, turned into an Anacondrai, and sealed himself in the Cursed Realm to set the Anacondrai Generals free to stop Chen. And then he died when the Preeminent was drowned in Ninjago’s ocean. Shame.

:So, after all that heartache, you’d think they’d just let Garmadon rest peacefully and have a nice legacy, but NO. He gets revived AGAIN by the Children of Garmadon, except now he’s evil again, takes out Lloyd in a 1 on 1, and becomes the Emperor of Ninjago. Until he’s defeated by Lloyd again, using the Silent Fist technique. Nice wraparound, admittedly.

:But even after he’s sent to jail, Garmadon’s STILL not done, because he gets brought back in order to stop the Oni from conquering and destroying all of Ninjago’s realms. And after awakening his oni powers and heritage, Garmadon teams up with his son one last time, using the reforged Golden Weapons to make a Tornado of Creation, destroy the Oni, and then just…left. Off to parts unknown, in self-imposed exile. A sort of tragic end, to a character with such a storied history.

:Speaking of that oni form…

:Eeurgh! It’s hideous! It’s lovecraftian, it’s…the Nega Chin!

:Garmadon himself is no slouch. Due to controlling the Element of Destruction, he can erase people from existence. Due to his time in the Underworld, he can manipulate darkness and shadows to aid him in battle. He can spin like a Beyblade with Spinjitzu to increase his power, he can drain the powers and life force out of his opponents, he can defy the will of fate itself written by the Sword of Sanctuary as an Oni, and (when push comes to shove) he can summon a building-sized Colossus!

:And finally, there’s his ultimate Megaweapon. Although he hasn’t shown its full capabilities before its destruction, he could use it to erase those who touched it from existence, revive the dead, make giant chasms, travel through time, and de-age anything. Pretty impressive, especially since he can swing it pretty fast, being able to keep up with characters on the level of laser dodgers like Nadakhan the Djinn!

:Ah, see, there’s the genie.

:However, in spite of Garmadon’s power, he isn’t perfect. His Megaweapon drains him of stamina quite severely, and although he has reduced its cooldown from a full day to just a few seconds, it is still notable. He’s also fairly arrogant, feeling the need to taunt his opponents when he has the upper hand, and it often costs him, such as when he lost his Megaweapon because he failed to move it out of the way of the Ninja’s Golden Weapon attacks in time.

:Arguably his biggest shortcoming, however, is that as an Oni, his power can be drained by an opponent refusing to fight him, as shown in his final battle with Lloyd atop the Colossus. And while his powers can return after some time if he battles with other opponents, that scenario is less likely to occur in one-on-one skirmishes.

:Still, Lord Garmadon is a force to be reckoned with. Oni, Dragon, Spinjitzu Master, Brother…many roles, all taken up by one called Destroyer.

“Garmadon is BACK, baby!”

---

:Many years prior to the birth of the Nine-Tails Jinchuuriki, there was a four-man team in the village of Konoha. The Yellow Flash Minato, the white-haired jonin Kakashi, the beautiful kunoichi Rin, and a goggled crybaby with the moniker of Obito Uchiha.

:The Uchiha clan was one of the most powerful ninja sects in the world, for only they were gifted with the power of the Sharingan, an ocular enhancement that let them predict the movements of any foe, and allowed them to use the Genjutsu to top opponents in an illusory world. A power that Obito had…failed, to obtain at this point.

:No matter how much the young ninja struggled, he could never keep up with his contemporaries, Kakashi and Minato, the latter being next in line to take the role of Hokage, leader of the entire village. A role that Obito sought after himself, to prove his bravery, and to win the heart of Rin.

:On his last mission as a Konoha ninja, he tried to reach a raid rendezvous near a bridge, but ended up getting Rin captured by the enemy. Desperate to go after her, he disregarded the orders of his superior, Kakashi, and attempted a rescue. During the journey, his bravery finally earned him Kakashi’s respect, and the Sharingan…but at a heavy price.

:To save his friends from a rockfall, Obito pushed himself into danger, and ended up crushed. His wounds seemingly fatal, Obito ultimately passed on a gift to Kakashi: his left eye, bequeathing Kakashi with his own Sharingan, and a request to keep Rin safe.

:But, as fate would have it, he ended up surviving due to the timely care of an old man in a cave, and a set of cells from the great ninja founder of Konoha, Hashirama Senju, attached to a curious creature known as a Zetsu. As it turned out, the man was actually (get this) Hashirama’s old rival from decades ago, Madara Uchiha! Who was supposed to die, but didn’t because of time reversal bullshit.

:OK so try to follow here. Madara wanted to do a plan called Eye of the Moon to summon an Infinite Tsukuyomi and create eternal paradise on Earth. But he knew he was about to die, so he gave up his Rinnegan eye to a boy named Nagato, planning for that eye to eventually be stolen by another boy, being Obito. Then, he allowed Obito to heal up, then created a faked scenario where ninja from a rival village kidnapped Rin to turn her into a Jinchuuriki, forcing Kakashi to kill her, and having that happen right in front of Obito in order to drive him over the edge and make him more willing to follow Madara’s instructions.

:Then, when Madara died, Obito grew up and took on the name Tobi, where he took control of a giant Tailed Beast named Kurama to attack the Hidden Leaf, forcing his former mentor Minato to seal the Kyuubi into himself and his newborn son. But, no worried, Obito helped found a gang known as the Akatsuki in order to collect all the Tailed Beasts in order to eventually put them inside a statue known as the Gedo Mazo, all while allowing Nagato from earlier to act as a puppet leader of the group with full intention to rip out his Rinnegan later and plant it into himself, giving him both an upgraded Sharingan and a Rinnegan. Then, he started a shinobi world war to draw the last two Jinchuuriki out of hiding, steal their Tailed Beast chakra, put it in his statue, and absorb the Juubi within to become the Juubi’s Jinchuuriki, allowing him to activate the Moon’s Eye Plan himself!

Heh…heh…wow…

:But what Obito didn’t plan on was the power of friendship coming together to literally rip the Bijuu chakra out of him, leaving a broken husk behind. A husk that was confronted by his inner demons, and an optimistic Hokage-to-be. And with a new resolve, he attempted to resurrect those unfairly slain by his han-

:Uh oh!

:The Zetsu attached to Obito revealed it was just using him the whole time, and redirected Obito’s resurrection spell to revive Madara instead.

:The Zetsu kept Obito alive long enough for Obito to be able to witness the rebirth of Kaguya, and allowed Obito to assist his friend one last time, granting him the gift of two temporary Mangekyo Sharingans before passing on to Rin in the afterlife. A heartwarming end, really.

:That being said, don’t take Obito’s nature as a stepping stone to Madara to mean he’s weak. Far from it. In fact, Obito possesses some of the most potent abilities of any ninja.

:Starting with his most famous ability, the Kamui. This handy jutsu allows Obito to warp parts of his body between different dimensions when they come under attack, effectively turning him into an untouchable foe…mostly. He can even use this ability to transport himself and others fully into the Kamui Dimension, potentially leaving them there for eternity.

:As an Uchiha, he possesses the powerful fire-style jutsus, extremely potent in the field of offense. Such techniques like Great Fireball are nothing to scoff at, as long as he performs the appropriate hand signals.

:But with some of Hashirama’s cells within him, Obito also knows some basic wood jutsus, allowing him to create wood constructs to disorient targets. However, he is by no means as potent with the art as Madara, or Hashirama.

:His eyes are also extremely notable, with his Genjutsu being able to cast the aforementioned illusions by tapping into a target’s chakra receptors and manipulating them. Chakra is essentially a target’s spiritual energy, so most foes Obito comes across will have some variation of this. The eye also allows Obito a sort of pseudo-precognition, letting him know when and where an opponent will strike next. The Sharingan can even be upgraded to the Mangekyo Sharingan if the user kills someone they once loved (which Obito has done).

:Then, after the incident with Pain destroying Konoha village and the death of Nagato, Obito revealed the final tool he had access to with the eye: Izanagi. Named after the Japanese god, this technique is something of a gamble, where Obito must sacrifice one of his eyes after five minutes of continuous use, but can undo any event he pleases by making it no longer real. Death, illness, injury, all fades away under the scope of Izanagi. Unfortunately, Obito never quite demonstrated the ability of Amaterasu’s fire control, or the enhanced mental powers of the regular Tsukuyomi, but he’s not exactly starving for options.

:Upon killing Konan, another Akatsuki member, Obito yanked the Rinnegan from Nagato’s eye, giving himself a Rinnegan. With it, he gains access to all the abilities of the Paths of Pain, ranging from relatively simple abilities like the Asura Path’s mechanical augmentations or the Preta Path’s ability to absorb energy, to more destructive elements like the Animal Path’s summoning or the Deva Path’s gravity control and ability to create giant meteors in the form of the Chibaku Tensei, to more otherworldly and terrifying powers in the form of resurrection with the Outer Path, and knowledge of the opponent’s mind and control of their soul with the Human Path. It’s quite a versatile ability, no wonder Pain was so hard to stop.

:And we’re not quite done yet, either. For Obito still had one more trick up his sleeve: by absorbing the Gedo Mazo’s Juubi, Obito became a Jinchuuriki himself, and gained access to one of the most terrifying abilities in the entire ninja world: the Truth-Seeking Orbs.

:These Orbs are no mere balls. They can be reshaped into staves, chakra control receivers, and blades (most notably Obito’s powerful blade of Nunoboko), and have the uncanny ability to erase any ninjutsu they come across, and even erase parts of space-time entirely! Yes, space and time itself cower before ninja magic and a 70 meter radius. But there’s more. These orbs are even potent enough to stop the regenerative capabilities of entities who can regenerate from complete body destruction. If you get erased by these orbs, chances are you’re not coming back, and all they have to do is touch you. That’s quite a scary proposition.

:With all these abilities combined, Obito has some truly impressive feats. He’s gone toe to toe with the legendary Fourth Hokage Minato, and he can compare to Akatsuki like Kisame, who was powerful enough to be considered in the same league as Bijuu who can carve away mountains. He’s stronger than Pain, who killed Jiraiya, who can do the same. He’s faster than Itachi, a ninja who can perceive time in nanoseconds. He summoned a giant tree from the ground without breaking a sweat, and he even lived through the Rinnegan’s resurrection ritual (which is supposed to kill you). Needless to say, Obito Uchiha is one of the shining stars of his clan.

:But sometimes, he goes dim a little bit. While his Kamui is very impressive, opponents who can attack in other dimensions, or who can take advantage of Obito’s brief window of vulnerability after his attacks, can hit the ninja just fine.

:The Izanagi, as previously stated, closes Obito’s eyes after five minutes of use, preventing him from using any abilities of that eye afterward. His Juubi form gets rid of his Kamui ability altogether, the Human Path’s soul manipulation doesn’t work on opponents who are already living souls, the Naraka Path only works if the remains of someone else are around, and Obito can potentially leave himself open to attack while summoning the God Tree and activating the Infinite Tsukuyomi (although this can be mitigated with the use of Izanagi).

:Finally, Obito’s Jinchuuriki form is vulnerable to being taken away if the Bijuu chakra within him is removed, something very easily done by opponents who can absorb Obito’s energy. Thankfully, the Preta Path does help with this by absorbing and redirecting energy attacks to keep Obito safe, but much like the most of his other abilities, it does need to be manually activated, something that might not happen if he gets outsped.

:With all these factors in mind, Obito Uchiha is still one of the most potent members of the almost-extinct Uchiha clan, and someone who works tirelessly to meet his goals and save people in his own fashion. His ninjutsu is truly unparalleled.

“I’m no one… I don’t want to be anyone. All I care about is completing the Eye of the Moon Plan. This world is completely worthless… there is nothing left in it but misery.”

Eugene “Snotty Boy” Beady vs Frieza: SMACKDOWN!

 

: Two titanic monstrosities, brimming with pure evil and spiteful malice, have roamed an unassuming world for several years.

: And now, they will meet at last, and prove once and for all who is the greater force of malevolent darkness.

: Eugene “Snotty Boy” Beady, the scourge of farm animals.

: And Lord Frieza, the evil Emperor of the universe.

: It is time…for a SMACKDOWNNN!!!!

Oedeville Farm, 9:44 AM…

It was a relatively cloudless day in the farmlands. The sun shone down with a reasonable temperature of about 75 degrees, providing a soothing warmth to the animals lazily grazing in the field.

The leader of the animals, Otis, sat by the local mudhole, and lazed about as his mouse friend Pip bounced on his stomach.

“Hey…Otis…how…are you…doing?” Pip questioned, his voice fragmented due to his bouncing in and out of earshot.

“Ah, Pip, last night was great! I took Duke to poker and got 50 orders of takeout!”

“We really need to teach him how to play.”

“I am far too cruel and cynical to give this up!”

Otis got up and stretched himself out, before walking towards the barn with Pip on his shoulder.

“I tell you, Pip, nothing but NOTHING will ruin this-AH, rock pain!” 

Otis fell down, a huge welt forming on his head as a result of the rock shot from behind.

“HA HA…HA!”

“Except a certain little stinker with spider eggs where his heart should be.”

About 500 yards away, a fat boy with red curly hair and a purple shirt lowered his faithful slingshot and continued to cackle with a horrific glee. He was known as Snotty Boy, the nephew of the barn’s crazy neighbor Nora Beady.

And he was also a piece of garbage, depending on who you asked.

“Ha Ha! With this new slingshot from the internet, I don’t even have to go to the barnyard to prank those stupid animals! I’m so smart!”

Snotty’s two cronies just laughed nasally behind him, their minds incapable of separating themselves from their leader’s twisted logic.

“You know, pranking those stinky animals is really what makes my day! It’s more than a hobby.”

“Yeah, more than a hobby!” the blond henchman snorted, laughing some more before Snotty flicked him.

“NO ONE LAUGHS UNTIL I SAY SO!”

As the two other kids stepped back, Snotty turned back to the barn and warped his expression into a wide, evil smile.

“Come on, let’s beat the animals up some more. Then we’ll get corn dogs!”

The three took off towards the barn. But unbeknownst to the little monsters, there was an even greater danger coming towards them.

Oort Cloud, 20 astronomical units from Earth…

In the cold depths of space, there are very few life forms who can safely travel between worlds.

That is, of course, with the exception of a lone spaceship cutting through the star-studded vacuum with ease. It housed several important figures in the galactic pantheon, all headed to Earth.

And most notable of all was a white alien with purple accents, sporting a long, prehensile tail and a cruel visage. He was known as Frieza, leader of the greatest empire the universe had ever known.

He sat on his throne and listened as his subordinates, Kikono and Berryblue, described the situation.

About two weeks ago, the Frieza Force had collected six of the seven mystical Dragon Balls, artifacts that could grant almost any wish within the power of the ancient dragon Shenron. Recently, they had found the seventh ball, and contacted Frieza as requested. The emperor rushed to Earth immediately, still desiring the wish to increase his height by 5 centimeters that was stolen from him by-

“-those pathetic fools, Cheelai and Lemo. Their betrayal set me back quite a ways in my plans…they’re lucky I didn’t see any reason to kill them at the time. My temperament changes quite rapidly, given proper motivation.” Frieza muttered, tapping his fingers on the armrest.

“Yes, my lord, it was quite an annoy-“

“And you, Kikono, are lucky I did not see a need to eliminate you for your incompetence. It’s thanks to you that those insolent plebeians made off scot-free with my wish!” 

Kikono cowered under the force of Frieza’s words, sweat dripping from his brow.

“I-I-I know, my lord, it was a tremendous error on my part, I am deeply ashamed and sorry for it!”

“Your years of service are the only reason I accept that. Do not let it happen again.” Frieza threatened, his glare hot enough to burn through steel.

As Kikono thanked Zen’o for his life, Frieza turned back to the front window of the ship, staring at the blueish-green planet they were fast approaching. 

“But…it does not matter anymore. Today, is a new day. And I am quite a magnanimous ruler. I will forgive all these transgressions if we acquire the prize I seek…”

With that, the tyrant’s tail swished around as the ship approached the planet.

Barnyard, 10:20 AM…

Snotty and his two friends rode their bikes through the arched entrance to the barnyard, all the while shooting everything with sticky egg yolk and trash pellet that stuck to the animals’ hidess.

“Stupid stinky animals! My giant big boy brain is bigger than all of yours put together! And I’ve got an even bigger surprise just for you!”

However, as Snotty was reaching into his bag, a shadow gradually was cast across the entire land, blotting out the sun.

“Uh…dude…”

“Pipe down! I’m trying to reach into my stupid bag, you stupidhead!”

“Dude…”

“DON’T INTERRUPT ME!” Snotty screeched in the black-haired boy’s face, until his eyes caught sight of what the incoming threat was.

A massive spaceship, circular in design and lined with yellowed windows and a sleek steel finish.

“What the-” Snotty began, but ultimately trusted his instincts and darted into the bushes, his cohorts following closely behind.

The ship slowly descended into the field, as the animals let out various noises and fled into the barn, already far too familiar with the dangers extraterrestrial beings posed. 

With a whirring hum, the ship opened its bay doors, allowing a ramp to descend and revealing Frieza. The tyrant slowly floated down the incline, until at last he set his feet on the bristled grass.

“I despite this planet…let us not be here any longer than necessary.” Frieza grimaced, staring in disgust at the numerous pockets of dirt and manure that littered the ground. “Berryblue, are you certain the last Dragon Ball is here?”

“Yes, I’m detecting it…within that red building.” the elder woman replied, pointing at the barn.

Relieved he did not have to travel far, Frieza slowly levitated over to the door, and charged a tiny speck of ki power in his index finger.

When it was released, the door instantly disintegrated, revealing the frightened animals on the other side.

“Oh, perfect, Earth livestock. The one sentient life on this land, and it cannot even inform me of the location of the items I seek.”

As Frieza stared around the barn, the animals continued to huddle in the corner behind several hay bales.

“Otis, who is that?” Abby whimpered in fear.

“I don’t know, but if we don’t make any loud noises and keep out of sight, maybe he’ll go away…”

“Yeah! Uh, hey, where’s Pip?” Pig questioned.

Unfortunately, he got a swift answer in the form a tiny mouse scampering across the floor, cheese tightly clenched in his jaws.

Unfortunately, the pitter-patter of mouse feet was enough to send Frieza’s senses into overdrive, as he instinctively unleashed a Death Beam that struck the mouse dead-on, instantly vaporizing him.

Just like that, Otis’ best friend, the one the cow could always turn to for help in any crisis-gone.

“Pip…”

“PIP!!!” Otis yelled, as he abandoned all thoughts of safety and charged towards the alien overlord, prepared to kill him.

“Oh?”

The angered screech from Otis prompted Frieza to glance over and witness a cow, running full-tilt on two legs.

“Interesting. It seems this world’s livestock has the ability to walk on two legs. Perhaps they’re the missing link that divides monkeys from stupid humans.”

Not concerned, Frieza delivered a swift kick to the cow’s midsection, causing Otis to crumple like a paper bag. The tyrant caught him before he hit the ground, and leaned in to the ear.

“I know you have the capacity for speech. So I will offer you an ultimatum. Deliver to me the Dragon Ball, and I will consider not reducing this repugnant field to a crater.”

“Uh…dunno what a Dragon Ball is, buddy. Sorry.”

“There is a slim chance you may be telling the truth…but I feel in a particularly foul mood, and shooting some moving targets may quell those feelings of frustration.”

“Come again?”

“Now…” Frieza began, surveying the other animals who had come out of hiding. 

“Which should I crush first? Perhaps one of the females?” Frieza crooned, pointing his finger at Abby.

“Or maybe the fat one, perhaps he’ll get some good exercise.”

“You can’t-“

“Tick tock…if you won’t choose, then perhaps I will. I am rather busy.”

Just as Frieza was about to shoot Pig, an audible clang could be heard from outside.

“Hmm?”

A little ways off, Snotty was busy trying to push the gargantuan vessel onto its side, a hobby he christened “ship tipping”.

“Come…on…this is totally lame, just tip over!” Snotty whined, as he pushed with all the strength his out-of-shape arms could muster.

“And just what exactly are you trying to do, if I might be so bold?”

Snotty turned around and saw Frieza standing over him, a menacing scowl on his face.

The boy merely gave a rude sneer and turned back around.

“Lame, stupid, stinky clump man! I’m just trying to tip this ship over. Now get out of my way, or I’ll use karate on you!”

“Oh, my, that’s just precious. Actually, no, it isn’t, it’s quite annoying and you’re about to be vaporized in two seconds if you don’t leave.”

“No way! You’re not the boss of me!”

Snotty Boy performed a series of “menacing” poses, before sticking his tongue out.

“Stupid, stinky, stupid, stinky…stupidstinkystupidstinkystupidstinkystupidstink-“

Boom.

A Death Beam from Frieza incinerated the boy in an instant, leaving nothing but ashes on the ground.

: Honestly, this shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

: Snotty Boy may be more impressive than one would expect, being able to fight on par with Otis who survived this:

But Frieza is capable of fighting enemies who can easily destroy entire *universes* with ease, and scales to characters who can cross universes in seconds as well. 

: When comparing their arsenals, Snotty Boy may be able to incapacitate Frieza temporarily with his glue gun, but Frieza still is way too durable for Snotty to damage, being able to take hits from Super Saiyan Broly. Glue just kind of delays the inevitable, especially when Frieza’s own combat experience massively eclipses that of Snotty Boy.

: Eugene just had s’not a chance in hell of winning this. The winner is Frieza.

Epilogue…

Frieza turned around and stared at the animals.

“Perhaps that is a sufficient motivator for you to fetch the Dragon Ball in your possession?”

“…Oh, right! Dragon Ball! Yeah, sorry, we thought you said Dargon Gall…we’ll be right back.” Otis promised, whisking the other animals into the barn.

“Anyone got a ball-“

Duke put his hand up.

“-that is not chewy.”

Duke put his hand down.

“Not sure. Maybe I’ll ask this magic wishing stone I got off the internet about the answer.” Freddy offered, holding up an orange ball with five stars on it.

“That’s it!” Otis exclaimed, grabbing the ball and rushing out the door.

“Just so you know, you owe me 36.50!”

Otis raced across on all fours and presented the ball to Frieza on unsteady legs.

“Ah, yes…” Frieza mused, grabbing the ball and caressing it in his fingers. “This is the object I have sought all these years…”

“Well, we know how busy you must be with your, plans, so make sure you get home safe, alright?” Otis insisted.

Frieza gave a sly smirk.

“What’s so…funny…”

KABOOM!

Minutes later, Frieza was taking off in his ship, having wished for his height increase the sending of the barnyard denizens and Snotty Boy’s friends to an alternate nightmare dimension.

The pain he could inflict was not nearly enough for the agony he suffered going to that backwater planet.

“Ah, yes…it’s quite good to be the emperor.”

Alternate Altercations #1

So yeah I’m stealing this from AdamSandlerTheFifth, but I changed the name so it’s different. Plus he stole it too, so blame him.

Death Battle is a show that I’ve watched for, oh, many years. I’ve been a fan of it for awhile, but…I don’t think it’s much of a secret to say some of the ideas DB has done, and some of the ideas people request them to do, don’t really tickle my fancy. So, that’s what this list is gonna be about, me counting down 6 Death Battles that feature an opponent with another request that’s popular. Why 6?

I couldn’t think of any more than that.

Now, I just wanna say that I don’t really think these ideas by default are better, or worse, than the popular ones. Just ones I would be more interested in personally. I wanted to say that all of them featured at least one new character, but I got one that features two and was just too good to pass up. Sorry.

Oh, and for the part where I say who wins, I’ll be looking at both characters at their peak in stats. DB does that, so I’ll do it as well here.

With all that said…let’s begin.

1. Master Yoda vs Master Oogway (Star Wars vs Kung Fu Panda)

Yes, I know that Yoda’s opponent was already revealed as King Mickey. I still like this idea better.

OST Title: Masters of Masters

Connections:

-Both are old, green, wise martial arts masters, who were among the first and best practitioners of their craft.

-Both took in an apprentice who later turned on them (Taotie and Count Dooku)

-Both trained a new generation warrior to defeat a great evil, before passing on to the afterlife

-Both maintained such a great spiritual connection to the universe, that they were able to continue offering advice after their death.

-Both have a habit of speaking in abstract metaphors and philosophies, and are generally rather mischievous.

Why I like this match:

-They’re basically the same character.

-There’s a lot of potential for fun banter.

-Their abilities can clash really well with each other.

-It gets an unorthodox new character onto the show in Oogway, one I really like.

Why it probably won’t happen:

-Yoda already got his match lol.

Who I think wins:

On paper this seems like a massive stomp for Yoda, but depending on how you scale Prime Oogway it could be really close. Oogway has the same Hero’s Chi that Po does, possibly allowing him to scale to the universal Kung Fu Panda feats from Paws of Destiny due to Po using Hero’s chi to accomplish said feats. With that said, he would AP-stomp and stonewall Yoda with chi augmentation, but get speedblitzed. So Oogway could end the fight in one hit, but Yoda has mindhax to act as a wincon, and can also resurrect like Oogway can with his chi. But since Oogway can hurt ghosts, and his wincons are overall simpler, I lean towards him.

2. Darth Vader vs Lord Garmadon (Star Wars vs LEGO Ninjago)

Yeah, you’re gonna notice with this list that there isn’t a lot of variety in the franchises. I didn’t have a ton of matchups I really wanted.

OST Title: The Darker Lords…yeah I got nothing.

Connections:

-Both were once kind-hearted martial arts masters who trained alongside a “brother” (biological or otherwise), until they were corrupted by dark power (The Great Devourer’s Venom and Sidious’s influence)

-Both served under a greater evil to rule the world (The Overlord and Sidious)

-Both threw themselves into the depths of dark power to grow stronger.

-Both sired children that ultimately defeated them (Lloyd and Luke)

-Both sacrificed themselves to stop a great evil, redeeming themselves in the process.

-Both later had their legacy carried on by the Children of Garmadon and the First Order

Why I like this match:

-Star Wars vs Ninjago is just really funny and cursed to me in spite of how thematic it is.

-Garmadon’s hammy dialogue clashes really well with Vader’s no-nonsense attitude to make for some possible really fun exchanges.

-They could incorporate Stormtroopers and the Stone Army, along with the Death Star and the Megaweapon, to raise the stakes even higher.

-Potential for really cool sword combat.

-Introduces Ninjago to DB with arguably the best match for the series.

Why it probably won’t happen:

-Matches like Vader vs Miraak and Vader vs Obito are just as thematic, and get more people interested.

Who wins:

Probably Vader. He blitzes and one-shots since the Megaweapon doesn’t increase Garmadon’s physicality. You can also argue Vader’s exposure to dark power would allow him to control the Megaweapon without disintegrating, but I’m not sure about that.

3. Po vs Goku (Kung Fu Panda vs Dragon Ball)

God this was a bad idea

OST Title: The Dragon’s Wrath

Connections:

-Both were abandoned by their parents as a baby after their home was attacked by someone who wanted to destroy their entire race after fear of a prophecy.

-Both were found by old men in humble settings and raised without any knowledge of where they came from

-Both quickly mastered martial arts under the guidance of an old master.

-Both rely on chi techniques to engage in combat.

-Both have a dragon motif.

-Both have an ample stomach and a love of food.

-Both eventually took on a mentorship role of their own to the next generation of their species (Saiyans and pandas).

Why I like this match:

-Kung Fu Panda is really cool.

-It’s a Goku match that isn’t boring or shit or Superman 3.

-The animation potential and setpieces are endless, with stuff like Po’s dragon form, the Saiyan transformations, Po’s mind and soul hax, Goku’s hakai countering Po’s resurrection, etc.

Why it probably won’t happen:

-Po vs Iron Fist exists and is more popular.

-Goku has already appeared twice.

Who wins:

Genuinely not sure, this is the closest fight on this list I think. Depending on how you argue scaling it could go either way, and their abilities and hax act as great counters to each other. Have to think about it.

4. Goku Black vs Black Shadow (Dragon Ball vs F-Zero)

We’re not done with DB yet lol

OST Title: God in the Machine

Connections:

-Both want to rid the universe of anything imperfect and create a new universe from scratch.

-Both are evil characters who mirror the main protagonist and match them in strength

And that’s all I could think of.

Why I like this match:

-It’s arguably one of the closest Goku Black fights.

-The potential for dialogue and interactions is massive with the great ego these two have and the general malicious personalities they sport.

-Seeing Black fighting a car is absolutely hilarious to me.

-Their powers could interact in fun ways, like Black cutting his way out of the Dark Zone after Black Shadow BFRs him there.

Why this probably won’t happen:

-It’s not very thematic.

-Black vs hsalF is practically guaranteed at this point.

-It’s a bad match, I just like it.

Who I think wins:

I said this was one of Black’s closest matches, and I stand by that. Both get to Universal and MFTL, and Black Shadow has some decent hax with the Reactor Mights that could help him win. That said, Goku Black generally outstats the Black Bull fairly hard regardless.

5. Ryuga vs Frieza (Beyblade Metal Saga vs Dragon Ball)

I swear this is the last Dragon Ball match

OST Title: Emperors of Destruction

Connections:

-Both are the first of three major antagonists in their respective series (Beyblade Metal Saga and DBZ).

-Both are frequently referred to as Emperors.

-Both have a purple color scheme.

-Both were considered the strongest in their series at the time they were introduced.

-Both had a hand in the disappearance of the protagonist’s father.

-Both never trained until their first encounter with the protagonist, and after being beaten by the protagonist both trained for real for the first time to grow stronger.

-Both helped the main character defeat a larger threat later on.

Why I like this match:

-This is literally my most wanted fight.

-Beyblade is a cool franchise I desperately wanna see get on DB.

-Beyblade Metal Saga and Dragon Ball are just too thematically connected not to consider at least one matchup between them.

-Probably the most fair opponent for Frieza.

-Ryuga is memed a lot.

-Seeing Frieza fight a literal flaming dragon with his fists is such a cool fucking visual image.

Why this probably won’t happen:

-Frieza vs Megatron

Who I think wins:

Not sure. Both shitstomp all over universal characters and have massive scaling chains, but I think Frieza’s might be higher with volume scaling, and he has way better speed. That said, Ryuga haxstomps and L-Drago’s regen might be enough to help Ryuga win. I’m 50/50 on it.

6. Sol Badguy vs Shadow the Hedgehog (Guilty Gear vs Sonic the Hedgehog)

Yeah, this was that match with two returning characters I was talking about. Credit to Agent on Discord for the idea and I’m a Bizarre One/Mythra for the TN

OST Title: Big Bang Chaos Dragon Force

Connections:

-They’re cocky, and angry anti heroes who went under science experimentation to be an ultimate life form.

-Lost a loved one of theirs to an organization.

-Both have magical powers they use in combat, and are associated with the color red.

-Both have blue or blue-themed rivals with electric motifs who fight for freedom and justice (Sonic and Ky Kiske). The rivalry started off much more negative, but has evolved into a much more balanced and respectful one.

-Both have DNA of another monstrous race (Black Arms and Gears), and hold back their power through limiters that are a type of clothing (wrist rings and headbands).

-Both also initially started as world threatening monsters, but got changed for the better by the many friends they made along their ways. There’s a lot more for Shadow vs Sol I can say too

-Avenging loved ones with their power.

-Have mighty Super forms (Super Shadow and Dragon Install).

-Started off rebelling against the government, before eventually working alongside them.

Why I like this fight:

-I saw it on Discord and it sounded so dope.

-Prolly’s Shadow’s coolest matchup (Vs Ryuko is pretty mid ngl)

-The track could be an absolute BANGER.

-Seeing Dragon Install Sol and Super Shadow fight in a clash that could potentially reach crazy levels of destruction would be so hype.

-Dialogue could be a dumb edge-fest and I would adore that.

Why it probably won’t happen:

-Ryuko vs Shadow exists.

-Don’t think they’ll bring Sol back.

Who I think wins:

Probably Sol. Depending on how you scale them both could theoretically reach the same level (Low Multiversal and Immeasurable), but Sol haxxes Shadow to death. And if you buy Multi+ GG that’s just salt in the wound.

Furious Five Battle Royale: Smackdown!

(Note: This fight does not include any feats from Brawhalla scaling because they just had to put Tigress in there. Tigress obliterates with that scaling, moving on).

: No super long intro this time, don’t care, didn’t ask, monke time.

: And bird, cat, bug, and snek time too.

: Reject animality, embrace monke.

: Aren’t monkeys also anima-

: It’s time for a SMACKDOWN!!!

---

It was a slow day at the Jade Palace. After the defeat of Kai, and with Po having left to the Panda Village for a special guest appearance, there weren’t really any villains around for China’s greatest kung fu masters to throw down with.

And with peace, often comes complacency.

The only one out of their room was a diminutive red panda with a long wooden staff, draped in regal garb. He sat meditating in the halls of the Jade Palace proper, searching for any signs of incoming danger.

“Oogway…what messages do you have for me?”

A few leaf petals were stirred up by a stray wind gust, lightly smacking into Shifu’s face.

“Yes, I’m aware I am a bit too anxious lately. But Kai’s defeat should not make us drop our guard. The problem is, the Furious Five do not agree.”

stop music

Suddenly, the petals began to coalesce and join together, forming distinct arms and legs, before finally they solidified into a ghostly figure, whom Shifu knew quite well.

“Master Oogway!”

Shifu bowed in deference, only for the turtle to wave his hand.

“Please, my friend. There is no need. You and I are now of the same stature…”

“It will take some time for that to truly set in, master.”

With a small chuckle, Oogway craned his neck to stare eye to eye with Shifu. “Do you remember what I said to you, all those years ago?”

“Yes, I recall it was that a peach could defeat Tai Lung.”

“After that.”

“To…believe?”

Oogway nodded, a warm smile on his face.

“Believe in the Furious Five. They will be ready when the time comes. And so will you…”

Shifu still looked unconvinced.

“But if you really desire a solution, listen carefully…”

Oogway leaned close and whispered in Shifu’s ear. The sensei’s ears twitched and his eyes widened, but he said nothing, merely nodding.

Licking his lips, Oogway stepped back and smiled.

“Remember, Shifu…believe…”

As Oogway trailed off, his form began to dissipate into petals once again, until all evidence of his existence was wiped clean, save for a cool breeze.

“I understand, master.” Shifu replied, as he stood up and walked out the main doors.

stop music

As the cool breeze whipped through his fur, Shifu gazed out over the Valley of Peace. The valley, and its denizens, that he had sworn to protect long ago.

“What does the universe have in store…?”

Shifu’s ear twitched, as he looked off into space.

---

start 1st music

Meanwhile, in the barracks, five animals sat a table, all munching on delicious bean buns.

Tigress didn’t even like bean buns.

None of them wanted to admit what they were thinking, so they continued to eat.

Finally, Mantis spoke up.

“So, Crane…got any new cool scented fabrics lately?”

Crane’s eyes widened a bit.

“You’ve never been interested in my fabrics before.”

“Yeah, well, I was just wondering. IS THAT A PROBLEM!?” Mantis screamed, trying to make himself heard.

“Wow, you must be really desperate.” 

“A little bit.”

“Look, let’s just admit it. We all miss Po.” Viper cut in.

“And she said it.” Monkey sighed, as the rest of the Five followed suit.

“It’s not really the same doing dizzy kung fu or pranks without him.” Monkey mumbled.

“And my training has been growing steadily less effective without his competition.” Tigress assented.

“But, he’s the Dragon Warrior. It’s his job to maintain peace, no matter where he goes.” Crane added.

The Five just sat in silence afterwards, the tinkle of the windchime outside being their only companion.

“Enough!”

The rough voice instantly snapped them back to reality, as they stood at attention while Shifu strode into the room. Despite his age and short stature, his presence still commanded respect.

“Master Shifu-“

“This display is unbefitting of your position! You must always remain at your peak to face the challenges that lie ahead!”

“With all due respect, Master, there aren’t any threats.” Monkey chimed in.

“That is no excuse! Report to the Training Hall immediately!”

Not even the Five dared to defy Shifu twice, as they bowed and ran off. Shaking his head, Shifu followed after them.

When he arrived at the ancient hall he had constructed with Taotie years ago, he saw the Five diligently honing their skills. Tigress was training with the wooden totems, striking their vital areas with a focused blend of strength and precision. Monkey was leaping through the rings with remarkable ease, swinging around by his tail at some points. Viper darted through the flame jets, elegantly weaving around them so not even her tail was singed. Mantis was kicking around the rubber dummy in midair and performing combos on it at speeds almost too fast to track. And Crane was flying around the room at high speed with the Iron Turtle Shells strapped to his legs.

And yet, when Shifu looked into their eyes, he saw the same muted disposition from the barracks. Their bodies were being molded, but their gazes remained dull and monotonous.

“Students!”

The Five stopped once more and joined Shifu, hanging onto his words.

“I see now that the traditional methods will not reignite your fighting spirit. These training implements have long since worn out their usefulness. Your skills need to be tempered by something more befitting of your current skill.”

The Five stared at each other, confused.

“Such as…?” Tigress cautiously asked.

Shifu fixed her with a look equal parts mischievous and unflinching.

“Yourselves.”

Before they could question his words, Shifu tapped his staff on the hard floor to signal a need for silence.

“You have fought alongside each other for many years. You know each other’s strengths, and weaknesses.  You trust each other with your lives. This is the strength that has led you to victory in combat countless times. But it is also possibly your greatest downfall.”

“Your reliance on each other has led you to believe that you will always be allies. But there may be a time when your camaraderie will be ripped asunder. And at that moment, your individual fighting skills may not be enough.”

“Master Shifu, we can hold our o-“

“Monkey, today there is no we. There is only you, and your abilities.”

“…I, am capable of defeating anyone who tries to stop me.” 

“Yeah, sure, banana breath.” Mantis mocked.

“You think you could beat me? Get out of here.” 

“Any half-decent kung fu master could probably beat you two jokers in a fight.” Crane muttered.

“Yeah? At least I don’t spend half my training time sniffing rugs!”

“You just said you were interested in them!”

“Everyone calm down, so we can realize just who exactly is the best kung fu master here. Maybe one kinda, long. And with flowers on her head. And snake-y.” Viper offered.

“What have YOU done?” Mantis accused.

“I don’t know, maybe saving you from drinking poisoned water?”

“Good point.”

The conversation devolved further into aimless bickering, as Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose. Finally, he couldn’t take anymore, and delivered a swift strike that knocked the Five down.

“If you believe in your own superiority, then prove it! You five will fight each other. Fight like your lives depend on it!”

The Five looked somewhat hesitant at the idea, but Shifu wasn’t done.

“And for the winner…”

From his robes, Shifu produced a small box, ornate and lined with jade.

“A message, from Master Oogway.”

“A message?” they said in unison.

“Of how to achieve your greatest dream.”

This really drew the Five’s attention, as their minds began racing, thinking about what they would achieve.

But as they really thought about it, thought about their shallow personal dreams of growing tall or bringing back their family or mastering the deepest secrets of kung fu, something felt…off.

“Master Shifu, with all due respect, I think I’ll fight for myself, not for an answer to problems I don’t have.” Tigress insisted.

“Me too!” Viper added.

“Same here.” Crane agreed.

“And me.” Monkey noted, his voice serious.

“Let’s do this thing!” Mantis roared, his voice carried on by the accompanying chants of the rest of the Five.

After all, there was a certain allure to finding out which of them was the strongest, if only for bragging rights.

Shifu gave a small smile, before turning around and opening the doors.

“Go! The world is your arena! But remember, this conflict is only amongst yourselves. Remember your training, and…”

With a wink…

“…good luck.”

Heeding their master’s wishes, the greatest of China’s defenders surged out into the training yard, and faced each other.

“Remember, we’re just fighting. Not trying to kill each other. At least, not too much.” Tigress asserted, a smug grin on her face.

“Sure, sure. Just prepare to be monk’d!”

“What does that even me-ah, forget it.” Crane murmured, adopting his eponymous stance.

“It means he’s scared of my ANTENNAE OF FEAR!”

“That’s never gonna catch on.” Crane rebuked.

“If you can use ‘Wings of Justice’, I’m sticking with this. I’ve honed it since my fight with Kai, and now it is a FORCE to be reckoned with, my friend! A FORCE!” Mantis insisted.

“More like a farce to me.” Viper chided.

“Now, my students…” Shifu announced, “…BEGIN!”

Almost immediately, Monkey jumped at Tigress and began throwing out a rapid series of jabs, forcing the feline fighter to take the defensive as she parried each strike. Eventually, she was forced against the back wall, barely dodging Monkey’s punches as they left cracks in the stone.

“Say goodnight!” Monkey taunted, winding up another punch.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Tigress smirk. But before he could pull back, he was already striking, already missing, as Tigress vaulted over him and slammed the primate into the wall face-first.

“Good night.” 

As Tigress attempted to sink her claws into his back, Monkey quietly stretched his tail behind her back, and in one swift motion, unbalanced her before delivering a headbutt to her chin, and then a kick off the wall into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her lungs.

“Ah, I see what you did there.” Monkey mused, as he surged toward Tigress on all fours to strike again.

As the two clashed fists, it released air currents that blew past the rest of the Five, slightly disorienting Crane and allowing Viper to grab him with her tail.

“Kyah!” Viper grunted, as she slammed the bird fighter into the ground, before slithering around, ensnaring his body tightly, and looking at him face-to-face.

“We’ll settle this later.” Viper whispered, lashing out and striking at Crane’s neck. The master screeched in pain, and then fell unconscious.

Taken aback, Mantis simply responded with a flat “…whoa.”, before Viper turned on him and began striking back with the same rapid bite attack that had seemingly taken out Crane.

“‘She’s faster than before…but so am I!'” Mantis thought, as he used his pincers to strike back, redirecting Viper’s fangs into the ground and allowing him to land several scratches on Viper’s scales.

Somewhat frustrated, Viper whipped around with her tail and smacked Mantis across the head, sending him flying into a wooden beam hard enough that he got stuck.

“The antennae of fear didn’t…work…”

Satisfied for now, Viper turned to Tigress and Monkey, still wrestling in the dirt to try and gain supremacy. Not wanting to interrupt the battle to conserve stamina, Viper simply sat back and watched, anticipating the moment when the winner would come forth.

However, unbeknownst to her, Mantis had wriggled free of the pillar, and began silently creeping around the edge of the arena. He darted between different blades of grass in the copse, then scaled a nearby tree until he reached a mid-level branch.

Slowly, he peeked out and saw Viper just below, completely oblivious. Seeing his chance, Mantis struck, lashing out and striking Viper’s neck with a single blow before retreating.

“Ow!”

Viper looked around in surprise, but found nothing. Her senses now heightened, she began slithering around the tree, determined not to be caught off guard aga-

SHINK!

Another claw struck Viper’s midsection, leaving her somewhat dazed as she tried to bite down on Mantis, only to hit the air trail left in his wake.

Viper got somewhat riled up, but managed to somewhat focus her mind and sense the world with different eyes.

Another swipe at her, this time at the tail. She paid no attention, instead feeling out the trajectory of the attack and its source.

“‘Climbs up the tree to get the high ground…'”

And then, in the heart of the battle sounds, she heard the cracking of a dry leaf as legs contracted to jump.

“‘There!'”

As Mantis tried to strike this time, Viper bit down hard on Mantis’s hard outer shell, feeling the satisfying crunch under her fangs as she ragdolled him, before spitting him out and delivering a powerful downward swipe with her tail, slamming him into the ground in a broken heap.

Mantis’s legs were bent and broken in all places, and he couldn’t stand. He could only look up as Viper loomed over him, menacingly.

“Don’t worry. This’ll be painless.”

“Hehe…I’d hope so. You know what they say. Whatever you do…it always comes back around.”

“What are you…”

Without warning, Viper’s body began contorting uncontrollably, her bones cracking as they stretched beyond their limits, until she finally stopped after assuming the form of…

…a pretzel?

“Hooh…” Mantis breathed, as he stood up with great effort, feeling one of legs start to crack under the strain.

“After Taotie’s acupuncture sphere, I started studying up on the pressure points of the rest of you guys. I’d say this worked pretty well for a trial run.” 

Suddenly, Viper lashed out, trying to deliver a powerful strike to Mantis’s chest, but couldn’t reach far enough before she recoiled.

“Nice try. But NOW, it’s over!” 

With no reservations, Mantis began delivering a powerful series of swipes with his pincers and forelegs, scratching and slashing at Viper’s head and body with incredible force, until at last he delivered a mighty spinning kick directly to Viper’s face.

“Ungh…” 

Her body giving out from the pain, Viper slumped forward, unconscious.

“Hah…hah…thorax of power…!”

Mantis started to limp away, but his leg still refused to stop bleeding from a small prick…

VIPER DEFEATED!

Seeing Crane knocked out, Mantis chose instead to focus on Tigress and Monkey, who had started to slow down. 

stop music

As Mantis raced toward them as fast as his injured legs could manage, Monkey saw him coming as he grappled with Tigress. Formulating a plan, he rolled onto his back with Tigress on top, kicked her behind him as he finished his somersault, and pulled out his sword all in one move, before blocking Mantis’s flying kick with the blade’s hilt.

“Hwoooaaaahhh!”

Although they didn’t make eye contact, Tigress and Mantis rushed forward with a mutual goal, as they began a combined assault on the chimp. With his attention divided between two targets, he pulled out a bo staff as well, and held it in his other hand. Twirling his instruments, he pressed forward with an assault, slashing and stabbing and swinging with ultimate precision and timing to strike them while not guarding.

As Tigress was smacked by the staff, she was sent careening into the weapons rack, as she lay in a heap amongst the steel and wood. One in particular stuck out to her as she cleared her head.

Standing up, Tigress extended the tri bo yao and began swinging it around with deadly force, its metal spiked tips reaching out extremely far.

The speed at which Tigress spun turned her into a living whirlwind of destruction, blasting through all debris with incredible ease and leaving Monkey in a cold sweat.

He tried to counter Tigress’s impenetrable defense with his sword and staff, only to have them cut to pieces in moments. 

“Ehehe…yeah…”

Monkey bolted out the doors, as Tigress struck down on nothing.

“Oh, he wants to ditch? I don’t think so.”

Taking aim at the fleeing primate, Tigress prepared to throw the staff, only to have it snatched out of her hands by a set of bony talons.

“Mind if I cut in?”

“Or maybe I should wrap this up?” Crane joked, as he rapidly flew around Tigress, trapping her in the bindings of her own weapon, before picking her up and tossing her.

“Okay, that one was actually kind of clever.” Mantis noted, as Crane flapped his wings in a rhythm, watching Monkey escape the palace.

“Oh no, you don’t. The Crane will be mocked no more!”

And with that, the flying fighter spread his wings and zoomed off at high speed, until he was little more than a blur.

“Yeah, uh…don’t wanna be here when she gets loose. Wait for me!” Mantis yelled, as he hopped out as fast as he could.

From behind the barracks, Tigress easily broke free of the Tri Bo Yao, and was furious. Her eyes burned with a desire to seek retribution, as she too ran out on all fours, covering several meters with each stride.

Shifu said nothing, merely striding over to Viper. With a series of pressure point strikes, he reversed what Mantis had done, and brought her back to her senses.

“Ugh…oh, my head…”

“Relax. You are in no danger, now.”

“Now? Well, you have to let me go after the-“

“No.”

Viper turned back, shocked.

“No?”

“You have already been defeated. The fact I had to revive you proves this.”

“But Crane-“

“Recovered on his own. You are powerful in your own right, Master Viper, but you will not win this fight. Not with your current level of skill.”

As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Viper knew Shifu had a point. If she couldn’t even defeat Mantis, what chance did she have against Tigress, or even Monkey?

“…Understood, Master.”

Shifu’s face softened.

“Then perhaps, training would benefit you.”

Viper nodded, as she got up and slithered alongside Shifu, as they went to see the rest of the fight themselves.

In the village…

start music

As Monkey reached the bottom of the stairs, he kicked up a nearby iron platter, tossed some change on the counter, and begin sliding on top to gain momentum as he whizzed down the street, expertly dodging all the people.

Meanwhile, Tigress took to the rooftops, skittering across and slicing through the tiling with her sharpened claws as she closed the distance, Mantis hot on her tail as he ran along the walls.

But as Tigress prepared to leap to the next vantage point, she found herself grabbed in midair by the scruff of her neck, and pulled into the sky.

“Crane!”

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” the bird replied, feeling somewhat cheeky as he threw Tigress upwards, expecting to deliver a fast series of kicks to her chest and send her flying.

Instead, he was thrown off guard when Tigress unexpectedly used the boost to accelerate herself and fly higher, almost touching the clouds, before turning and extending her arms and legs to form a sentient torpedo, barreling towards Crane as fast as terminal velocity could carry her.

With no time to react, Crane spread his wings in an attempt to catch Tigress, but the sheer force behind her strike sent both of them to the ground hard, leaving a massive crater in the street.

After taking the attack, Crane didn’t have enough stamina to recover before Tigress picked him up and began choking the bird by the neck.

“Don’t interfere.” Tigress growled, unsheathing her claws once again.

Sensing things were about to get dicey, Crane kicked out with his feet, only for Tigress to sidestep before trapping them in the crook of her arm, leaving Crane defenseless.

At least, it looked like it.

Without warning, Crane stretched his wings and clapped them together against the sides of Tigress’s head. Their softness made the attack leave little impact, but it stunned her long enough for Crane to peck her skull like a jackhammer, forcing her to divert her limbs to blocking and allowing Crane to escape.

But he decided not to capitalize on Tigress’s dropped guard out of respect, instead standing at the ready. And as Tigress shifted into her tiger style fighting stance, the two dipped their heads in respect, before beginning to fight.

Punch after punch, kick meeting kick, they seemed to be even. As Crane somersaulted over his foe’s head, Tigress was already there to intercept with a palm strike hastily blocked by Crane’s wings. Tigress’s leg sweep missed as Crane hovered in the air.

Crane performed a jump kick that broke Tigress’ guard, and was about to deliver another powerful strike to her midsection, only for his head feathers to be pulled hard by an unseen force.

“Gyah!” Crane croaked, as he felt a sharp pain near his skull.

“Remember, this is a free-for-all!” Mantis chided, as he pulled on Crane to and fro, moving the bird like a puppet on strings as the bizarre tag team turned on Tigress.

“And now YOU’LL take each other OUT!”

Crane blindly rushed at Tigress, but stopped short and performed his famous “Wings of Justice” technique, blasting a gust of wind at the feline and sending her flying off into the forest.

“This is going WAY better than I thought!” Mantis boasted.

“You know, I’m only going along with this because of mutual goals.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Rolling his eyes, Crane took flight once again and headed for the forest, as the townspeople looked on at the scattered remains of vendor carts and stone tiling.

Ms. Yoon, a short female goat, simply shook her head and let out a groan of disgust.

“Oh, I can’t believe this…”

Suddenly, an unstable chimney broke free from its few remaining moorings and fell down, utterly crushing a gate to a certain noodle restaurant…

In his shop, Mr. Ping stopped chopping bok choy.

“Huh?”

After a few seconds, he shrugged and went back to his work.

Bamboo forest…

Monkey was still sliding along the tray, having the time of his life as he bounced between the bamboo stalks.

“Heeheehee! Now I’ll just let them finish each other off, and then I’ll-“

Monkey grew silent as he noticed a shadow fall over him.

“That’s weird, I didn’t think it was night alreaOH MY GO-“

CRASH!

A huge mound of smoke erupted from the collision site, and as it cleared it revealed Tigress and Monkey clumped together in a heap.

“Aigh…someone get the cart number on that rhino?” Monkey groaned, as he attempted to wriggle out of the crushing pain, only to have his back further dug into, his spine almost cracking from the pressure.

“We still haven’t settled things yet, Monkey!”

“Okay, okay, I know, but, do you have to do it like this? What happened to honor in combat, and all that?”

“I’d say you tripping me with your tail makes us even.”

“Oh, come on, it’s just what I do! You spit up hairballs, I fling poop around…or at least some monkeys do.”

“Me, though?” he jested, as he produced a bright yellow object from his trousers.

“That’s bananas!”

Before Tigress could process what was happening, a sticky peel was launched into her face, staggering her and allowing Monkey the crucial seconds he needed to escape Tigress’s clutches.

And as Tigress started to stumble backwards in an attempt to get the peel off, Monkey saw an opportunity, and tossed a series of banana peels like ninja stars, littering the ground behind the tiger in slippery…uh…

“Slipperiness!”

Yeah, that.

Sadly for the tiger fighter, she couldn’t stop herself from taking a single step backwards, landing on another peel. But miraculously, the momentum she carried allowed her to blitz through every other peel in the line, slide up a tree trunk, and ricochet back towards the primate.

As Monkey attempted to throw another peel to unbalance her, Tigress ripped the obstruction from her eyes, and tossed it right behind Monkey’s feet.

“Ha, you missed!” 

“Are you sure?”

“Well, yeah, you didn’t hit m-oh, I see.” Monkey noted, as Tigress drilled towards him at hyperspeed. In an attempt to get away, Monkey started to run backwards, only to trip over the peel and start falling…

…or not?

“Haha, gotcha!” Monkey jeered, as he flipped in the air and, while Tigress was flying past, kicked her in the back and sent her flying through the air, about to crash into a tree.

Yet again, Tigress used her momentum to grab the tree with her claws, spin around, and hurl herself towards Monkey once more, this time meeting her mark and knocking both of them into the bushes.

In the shadow of the trees, the duo resumed their tussle, a furious squabbling mass that crushed branches and leaves in the undergrowth without a care as they slowly approached a part of the ground where dirt transitioned to stone.

Before they knew it, the duo stopped feeling ground under their feet. Stopping their fight, they looked down and saw a drop that seemed thousands of feet long.

“Of course.” Tigress grumbled.

“Let me guess, we’re about to fall down a huge cliff.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Certain death at the bottom?”

“Most likely.”

“…Bring it on.”

As the duo began plummeting to their aforementioned inevitable demise, they continued to punch and kick and claw at each other, their flesh beginning to bleed and coat their eyes in sticky red liquid, until they were just flailing wildly in a vain attempt to gain the upper hand.

Just as they were about to hit the canyon floor at terminal velocity, a familiar pair of talons grabbed the two and hoisted them into the air, escaping a grisly fate.

“Whuh…?” 

“Oh, come on, you didn’t think I’d let you fall to your deaths, did you?” Crane joked, as he soared up and out of the ravine and back onto higher ground.

“Anyway have a nice fall byeeee.” 

“Don’t you dare-“

Crane dislodged his talons, allowing the cargo he carried to fall into the branches of a massive tree, being pricked by thorns and sharp branches the whole way.

Finally they stopped at a mid-tier branch.

“He’s gonna pay for that.” Tigress growled.

“Sure, but I’m going to be the one who collects!”

As he chuckled, he jumped into the air, and then slammed back down with tremendous force, causing the tree to recoil until it was completely bent over, pushing Tigress out. And with a cheeky hand gesture, Monkey braced himself as the tree snapped back to its original position, launching the fighter into the sky and directly towards Crane.

“‘Heehee, he’ll never see me coming this time!'”

Once again, the primate was proven incorrect, as Mantis emerged from beneath Crane’s hat and mirrored Monkey’s high speed flight, ultimately delivering a powerful axe kick that knocked out one of Monkey’s teeth and sent both falling to the forest floor.

But before Monkey could complete his fall, Mantis increased his velocity so he hit the ground first, before using it as a springboard to jump up and deliver a powerful strike directly to Monkey’s ribs, feeling one crack underneath.

With his advantage, he encircled Monkey’s body and delivered a series of pressure point strikes all over, trying to finish him off like he had with Viper. It all happened in the blink of an eye before the long-tailed knuckle-dragger fell with a loud THUD.

Mantis fell in front of him, landing in a stylish pose, as Monkey began twitching from the effects of the paralysis. Glancing over his shoulder, Mantis smirked and began walking away.

But with his guard no longer up, he couldn’t prevent himself from being quickly smacked way by Monkey’s outstretched hand, flinging the pint-size master into a log.

“Ugh…no way, how did he-” Mantis groaned as he peeled his head off the bark and turned around to witness…a rather strange sight.

stop music

There was Monkey, swaying back and forth unsteadily, his eyes glazed over, but on his feet.

“Dizzy…Dizzy kung fu! I’ve been…practicing.” Monkey slurred, as he readied himself in a rather unstable fighting stance.

start music

A shocked look spread across Mantis’ visage for a fleeting moment, before dissolving into a frustrated scowl.

“Okay, minor setback. Still got the advantage here.” the bug reassured himself, fleeing into the trees. Using the greenery to camouflage himself, Mantis flitted from branch to branch, forming a phantasmal barrier between his battleground and the rest of the wood.

Moving at the speed of light, he attempted to strike Monkey, only for the dizzy primate to sidestep his intended blows. His movements were erratic, unprofessional. Not befitting of a fighter of his caliber. And yet, Mantis could not strike him at all.

“Ohohoho, aim over there…” 

Monkey looked in a random direction, and then got a gleam in his eye.

“Hit over here!”

With a rapid chop, Monkey sniped the unsuspecting Mantis out of the air, bringing the assault down several notches. Undeterred, Mantis stood up and began lashing out at Monkey with his pincers, delivering blow after blow. Some of them met their mark and left bleeding gashes, but the majority were swiftly countered by Monkey’s jabs.

Impatient, Mantis tried going for a leaping stab, only for Monkey to reach both hands out and perform a clap that trapped Mantis between his palms, crushing him. Taking no chances, Monkey jumped upward, and then slammed down hard on Mantis before he could recover, squishing the bug underfoot.

“Ooohhhh…damn it, how!?”

“That’s what getting monk’d feels like!”

“Yeah, well, you’re about to have a big problem on your hands!” Mantis promised, pulling out a small blue bottle. Popping the cork, he downed the contents in one swallow.

“No, is that-?”

“OH yeah, baby!”

At first, nothing happened. The world was quiet, awaiting Mantis’s new revelation.

Then, his body convulsed, and the ground began to quake and buckle. The rumbling unbalanced Monkey and put him flat on his back, forcing him to observe up close as Mantis’ formerly 3 inch tall frame grew bigger, and bigger, and bigger, by the second, until at last he stopped.

“Oh…my god.”

The towering trees were naught but toddlers next to Mantis’ massive frame. With his increased size, Mantis’s next blow was so powerful it sent shockwaves running through the earth, dislodging all the forestry and leaving behind a barren wasteland.

“Haha! Give it up, Monkey, I’m winning this one!” Mantis proclaimed, ready to strike again.

“‘If I remember anything…about that Gong Tau potion…it’s that one weakness!'” Monkey mentally countered, as he managed to just barely sidestep Mantis’ claw swipe.

But he underestimated how much power was contained in those claws, as even just barely grazing the green pincers resulted in Monkey being thrown backwards, his bones aching and his limbs sore. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to dodge another one.

“Just one…chance…!” Monkey gasped, holding his ribs as he stood up in the face of Mantis’ clumsy downward strike.

Mustering all his remaining strength and agility, Monkey jumped right before the pincer struck the ground, and landed on the claw itself. In the time it took for Mantis to retract his attack, Monkey had already run across half of the arm, before swinging with his tail to grab hold of Mantis’ protruding backside.

Using the speed gained from the swing, he curved around Mantis’ tail before it moved, jumping into the air as the giant bug awkwardly turned around to find his quarry.

“Come out, Monkey!” Mantis boomed, as the primate quietly climbed up his backside. His small size made his intrusion almost unnoticeable, until he accidentally slipped and pulled on Mantis’s shell to stay aloft. Although a small act, it was still felt by Mantis, who attempted to swat Monkey off his back without seeing anything.

Monkey jumped to avoid the claw swipe, and continued to leap up the giant bug’s shell. He couldn’t stop to breathe, or he would be smushed flat by the bug’s pincers. His body screamed in pain, about to give out, but the monkey kept going, up and up, until he finally scrambled onto the shoulder, then leaped to the head.

“Oi, Mantis!” Monkey screeched, kicking the giant bug in the nose several times. “Come and fight me like a warrior!”

“You’re gonna regret that!” Mantis roared, as he reached up and smacked himself in the face, missing Monkey by centimeters and leaving an ugly bruise.

“Hey, over here!” Monkey called, stuck to Mantis’ belly.

Yet again, Mantis swung and missed Monkey by some distance, knocking the wind out of himself with a heavy claw swipe.

“Stay still so I can crush you!“

“But then the game would be over!” Monkey chided, appearing on Mantis’ shoulder.

The incoming chop was slower, giving Monkey ample time to dodge as it smashed into the side of Mantis’ skull, unbalancing him as the mighty bug toppled over.

“You should have remembered from last time! All that being bigger makes you…”

As Mantis hoisted himself up, he tried to deliver another jab with his pincer, only for Monkey to jump over and punch Mantis right in the eye.

“…is a bigger target!”

Mantis howled with pain, clutching his blackened pupil to lessen the swelling as his face twisted into pure anger. He abandoned all semblance of focused technique and just flailed his arms around like buzzsaw blades, slicing down hordes of trees with a single slash.

But his strikes were still sluggish, and Monkey could easily duck and weave between all of them as he delivered precision strikes to Mantis’ frame, redirecting the pincers to repeatedly strike Mantis across the face, stomach, and back.

Eventually, Mantis’ movements were reduced to that of a snail’s pace, fruitlessly striking at nothing while gasping and wheezing, until he stopped moving altogether. And like a tree with its roots cut, the monument-sized master fell over and hit the ground with a staggering KA-THUMP!, unconscious.

Wishing to conserve his energy, Monkey walked over to a nearby cave and sat within to rest, ready to continue when he was found.

MANTIS DEFEATED!

With only three masters remaining in the fight, Monkey observed as outside the cave, there were the sounds of a scuffle once again, before an unknown shadow was launched into the cave from outside, obscured by the darkness.

“Oh, of course!”

Still grumbling, Monkey took off deeper into the cave, the light around him completely vanishing.

The shadow stood up, stretched its wings, and turned to reveal a familiar straw hat and a steely gaze.

And then he sneezed.

“Oh, no, is there dust in this cave? I’m allergic to-ah-ahh-AHHH…CHOOO!…dust.”

Wiping his nose, Crane saw he was in pitch black. He was about to exit, but his ears caught a faint trace of a swishing sound ahead.

“Oh, I’m REALLY gonna regret this, aren’t I?”

Crane focused, and with the techniques he learned from Po months ago, summoned forth a small golden energy from within his body, lighting up the cavern and the way ahead.

Cautiously, Crane stepped into the blackness after Monkey, as Tigress barreled into the maw of darkness after him.

The trio raced along the narrow corridor, guided only by the light of their chi. But Crane’s flight gave him the edge in swiftness, and soon he spotted a familiar long tail.

“Haha, gotcha!” 

Crane zoomed forward and grabbed hold of his prey, but was unable to slow down. He slammed right into Monkey’s back, causing the two to roll in a heap down the path, unknowingly passing through a bright light and into a blizzard.

The snow battered down on the two as they continued to roll around in the snow, before Crane kicked Monkey into the sky and…

over a cliff.

Monkey didn’t even have a chance to scream before he dropped like a stone, but Crane managed to catch him in midair.

“Oh, thank-“

Suddenly, Monkey was shoved against the side of the cliff as Crane flew parallel to the sharp crevasse, being battered by stones of all shapes and sizes, some even sticking to his fur and into his skin.

Monkey almost passed out, but he managed to grab hold of Crane’s legs, and began to crush them in his grip.

Feeling the sting, Crane began flying around at hyper speed, flying down, up, left, right, all around, into the valley below, and even into trees and other boulders. Monkey still refused to let go.

“Maybe this, then!” 

Crane flew back to the mountain, but this time he flew into the sky. He flew further than the highest clouds, seeing blackness at the edge of his vision. But he kept going.

The high pressure created an audible popping, but one was clearly showing more negative signs than the other.

Monkey strained to stay conscious, his breaths a rapid irregular oscillation of quick and slow.

“Air’s getting pretty thin up here, ain’t it?” Crane mocked.

“Yeah…right…I can…do this…all…dayyyy…….”

Monkey had lost all capacity to remain awake, and his arms slowly dislodged as the primate fell once again.

Feeling the weight removed, Crane stopped and began flapping in midair, scanning around to find Tigress. Little did he know the rustling in the snow behind him, as a dark shadow jumped from the peak of the tallest mountain.

The first grab at Crane’s legs missed, but the unseen figure extended their other hand just enough to grab the bird’s toes, and held firm.

“Ack!” 

The bird tried flapping as hard as he could, but he was still being pulled down, the rate of descent growing more rapid until it reached incomprehensible acceleration levels, bringing Monkey back into Crane’s vision.

With the ground coming up fast, Crane tried to slow his descent by spreading his wings, but it barely made any difference. But it did force Tigress to scrape against a rock, releasing several large shards.

This was the opportunity Monkey had been waiting for. Using the strength still left in his legs, he jumped off one of the shards, and grabbed another.

“LEAPING MONKEY!”

Monkey used his famous technique to jump from shard to shard, until at last he jumped up and grabbed hold of Tigress’ body, propelling himself up until he was above Crane.

With his plan in motion, Monkey threw a clump of snow into Crane’s eyes, blinding the bird and causing him to fly around recklessly, smashing into rocks and cliffsides and rustling the snow.

“Good…now…AIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIIIIIII!”

Monkey’s screaming jostled the snow even further, acting as the destruction of the last roadblock to the snow rushing down in a ceaseless avalanche, missing Monkey by inches due to his last-second attachment to the rock wall.

The others were far less fortunate. Crane and Tigress were almost instantly buried under the snow as it cascaded into a valley, filling it to the top before it finally subsided.

Monkey, noticing that there was no movement from within the snow pile, felt a bit more at ease, as he carefully maneuvered down to the bottom of the ravine, and plodded over to admire his handiwork up close.

“Teehee…gottem.”

CRANE AND TIGRESS DEFEATED?

As Monkey began to walk away, he noticed a set of three orbs, coming from over the mountain, that stopped above the snowdrift before diving directly into it.

“I have a bad feeling about this…” the primate muttered, as he turned and slowly stumbled over to the drift. He leaned in close-

–and got grabbed by the mouth!

His screams didn’t come out as the snowdrift crumbled away, revealing Tigress was very much still kicking, holding onto three glowing spheres.

“The Spirit Orbs? But they were locked in the cabinet, how did you-“

“Mental focus. Kinda what I’m good at.”

Undeterred, Monkey charged at Tigress with a powerful spinning kick, but Tigress just leaped overhead and landed behind his exposed back, shooting a couple orbs to ram into him and deal heavy damage before calling them back.

Monkey somersaulted through the air to prepare a flying kick towards Tigress’ head. Normally she could easily dodge it, but the avalanche had taken a lot of energy to escape, and she could barely manage a slow shuffle before Monkey decked her, knocking the balls away.

Defenseless, Tigress was forced back into the wall by Monkey’s merciless array of strikes at every point, only just managing to deflect the blows from hitting her vital areas. But she could see the orbs just a few meters away.

“‘Concentrate…'” Tigress mentally insisted, holding out her outstretched palm towards the orbs, which glowed as if in response to her command.

And as Monkey was about to let loose a decisive attack, the orbs immediately were summoned to Tigress’ hand. The tiger immediately held them out to intercept Monkey’s thrown punch, and a massive flash of light filled the battlefield, engulfing the two before they disappeared.

---

stop music

“Oooohhhh…my head…”

Monkey took some time to shake the dust from his eyes as he groggily stood up. But still, he had no idea what was happening.

He was standing on a white platform, with nothing on it. The world around him was merely a featureless black void.

“Aw…am I dead? That’s disappointing…”

Plopping himself on the ground, Monkey began puzzling out what he should do next.

No ideas came in the first hour, so he kept thinking. And thinking. 

And thinking some more.

It felt like a year had passed, and still nothing.

“Maybe if I had a banana.”

The yellow fruit almost immediately appeared in his hand.

“Wow!” he gasped, wolfing down the fruit in an instant. 

“This…mmgh…this is pretty good! And grilled a bit, just how I like it! But…what would be really great is-“

Instantly, more bananas and some plantains appeared in a stack.

“Yeah, that!”

As Monkey continued to chow down, he smiled a bit.

“You know, maybe being dead won’t be as bad as I thought. And you, my friend…” Monkey crooned, picking up a particularly juicy plantain, “…will go down great.”

As Monkey peeled the fruit, he noticed there was nothing inside but a black void.

“Hey, who ate my-“

KA-CRACK!

A fist shot up through the hole and socked Monkey in the jaw, knocking him over as the peel exploded to reveal Tigress, holding the Spirit Orbs.

Dazed, Monkey sat up and glared.

“Tigress! This is my dead world! Get your own!”

“You’re not dead, you’re in your mind.”

“My…mind…?”

“So that explains the bananas. I know what I like. Anyway, how did you do that?!”

“Ding’s orbs.”

“You summoned them from all the way over here? That’s…impressive.”

“Save it for after I’ve won.”

“Fat chance! This is MY mind we’re talking about here!”

Monkey began growing in size until he absolutely towered over Tigress, his giggles feeling more like miniature earthquakes.

“Oh, come on, the growing big strategy?”

A hand slapped Tigress at incredible speed, knocking her into a suddenly materializing wall.

“Oh…right…” Tigress grunted, falling on her face while Monkey summoned a giant bo staff and sword again, before striking with rapid blows from both weapons.

Tigress picked herself up quickly before jumping on the blade as it sliced through the air, managing to hold on as it was shaken back and forth before she jumped to the staff.

“You aren’t the only one,” Tigress began, vaulting up and delivering a series of swift kicks to Monkey’s chin to force him back, “who can use dreams for themselves!”

Springboarding off Monkey’s nose, Tigress launched high into the air yet again. But this time, she focused her chi into a concentrated orb of power.

“Take this!”

Tigress launched the chi, now in the form of a concentrated beam, directly at Monkey’s head. But Monkey wasn’t fully dazed, allowing him to charge a chi orb in his own palm, before launching it in retaliation.

Both chi attacks collided in midair, as their power distorted the world’s space and reality at its epicenter. And yet, there was no clear winner.

“Give it up, Monkey! You don’t have the determination to be the best!”

“Oh, yeah? Then how’s THIS for determination!”

The primate raised his arms, and a horde of chi orbs appeared in a ring around him, glowing like golden hearts.

With a mighty upwards gesture, the sixteen orbs surged upwards, clustering together as they entered Monkey’s initial attack one by one, increasing its size and power as it began to easily overwhelm Tigress.

“Hehehehe, looks like I’m taking home first place, eh Tigress?”

“You haven’t won yet!”

“You’re really not giving me much to go off there.”

“‘Maybe one of these…'” Monkey pondered, as he summoned a barely visible clone of himself behind the tiger lady.

“‘And…'”

“ATOMIC WEDGIE!” Monkey yelled, as his duplicate pulled up on Tigress’ behind with heavy force.

Tigress yelped in pain, and the brief lapse in attention allowed Monkey’s attack to finally drill through Tigress’ blast, engulfing her and the void in a bright yellow shine.

Meanwhile, outside the mindscape, Crane had finally awoken and plodded over to see the Spirit Orbs in a trinity in the snow. But for some reason, they had started glowing rhythmically.

Incensed with curiosity, Crane leaned in and squinted. But he got in too close, and the orbs began emitting a powerful magnetic pull. 

“Whoawhoawhoa!” Crane screeched, trying to fly away. But even his speed wasn’t enough to escape this great power, as he was sucked in.

Within Monkey, his mind-self had overpowered Tigress and sent her sprawling on the ground, dangling over the edge of a cliff into oblivion.

“It’s over!” Monkey roared, pounding his chest as he stood over Tigress in triumph. The cat closed her eyes, accepting the inevitable…

…but it never happened.

Out of nowhere, a vortex opened within space, and out popped Crane, flipping end over end until he found himself at Monkey’s feet.

Monkey let Crane get to his feet, the tension in the air palpable.

“Well, uh…I see that you two are busy at the moment, so, I’ll just get out of your way-“

“Crane!”

Tiger and crane locked eyes.

“Help me take out Monkey. You can tell he’s the biggest threat…literally.”

“True…but how do I know you won’t just backstab me when it’s over?”

“Of course I’m going to backstab you, that’s the point of this. But it stops him from winning.”

“Shrewd…but not untrue. Alright, you got a deal. But when this is over, we battle it out to decide the champion.”

The two shook hands, before turning on Monkey.

“Okay, let’s ah…let’s settle down here. You know it’s not a fair fight, two on one…” Monkey stalled, reaching around with his tail.

But as he was about to unbalance the two, Crane and Tigress jointly leaped and slammed down on the wayward tail, pinning it to the ground.

“Your size will not help you anymore, Monkey. Return to normal, and let’s settle this.”

“Maybe you’re right. After all, why use size…”

Monkey shrank down, and pulled some dust from his pocket.

“When you have numbers?”

Before Tigress could stop him, Monkey threw down the powder, shrouding the battleground in blinding fog. Tigress attempted to swat it away, but Crane simply let loose a wingblast that cleared their sight.

Standing around them in an impassable barrier formation was an army of Monkeys, all smirking ear to ear. And as soon as the duo took their eyes off one Monkey, it multiplied, until there were over a 100 of them.

“Well, this is a fine mess!”

“What, are you scared?” Tigress mocked, flexing her claws.

“Well, this is sort of a new experience for me.”

“Just try to keep up.”

“Ahem.” Crane coughed, holding up his wings and shaking them, before taking flight.

The two began their conflict with the Monkey horde. The clones weren’t quite as sturdy as the original, but they still took heavy degrees of punishment, and frequently joined together to engage in combo attacks to drive Crane and Tigress apart. 

And yet, perhaps ironically, Tigress and Crane always had each others’ back. As Crane ducked to perform a leg sweep, Tigress was already vaulting over his back to deliver a spinning roundhouse. When Crane flew into the air, Tigress was grabbing hold, performing the Feet of Fury technique to knock several Monkeys into each other like domino.

As three Monkeys attacked her from behind, Tigress’ ears pricked, and she whiplashed around to deliver a fearsome palm strike that left an imprint in Monkey’s chest, sending him and the other clones careening off to the side, where they vanished into smoke.

Crane followed up by spinning around incredibly fast, to the point where he turned into a living tornado that swept up many of the clones into its maw, thrashed them around, and then spat them up and out through the eye of the storm, landing in a heap around the bird master.

Their moves perfectly in sync, Tigress and Crane continued to punch and kick and slash and stab in a ring, their movements a blur as their speed and power surpassed all expectations, until at last there was one Monkey left.

All three masters were breathing heavily, but they managed to pool their remaining energy into rushing forward, leaping, and extending their legs.

“GRAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

SHINK!

Monkey’s kick missed.

Crane and Tigress’ punches didn’t.

Their fist and wing collided with the primate’s jowls, knocking out his tooth, as he fell to the floor, not moving. 

Tigress thankfully felt a pulse when she checked, and reassured Crane with a nod.

MONKEY DEFEATED!

And so, it was down to two.

Crane and Tigress walked to the center of the arena, and bowed to each other. But before Crane could react, Tigress shoved the Spirit Orbs in his face, smashing him into the unseen boundaries of Monkey’s mind hard enough to shatter, leaving a cracked hole into yet another void as Tigress followed behind.

Entering into Crane’s mind, Tigress could feel a very different vibe.

stop music

In contrast to Monkey’s mostly empty subconscious, Crane’s mind was jam-packed with all sorts of furniture. Fabrics, wood, thatched reed, even a rickshaw in the corner.

On the couch sat Crane, sipping tea.

“What are you doing? We’re supposed to fight, remember?”

“Yeah, sure, but I’ll never get this chance again! Look at all the scented fabrics! At least sit down and hear me out?”

Rolling her eyes, Tigress sat down and crossed her arms.

“Now, this fabric over here dates back to the Qing dynasty. It’s known as Hajun Jasmine, and was used in the emperor’s throne room due to its luxurious finish and delightful scent. Here, take a sniff.” Crane explained, shoving it in Tigress’s nose.

She took a brief sniff and nodded.

“Oh, and this fabric, it’s really special…”

The conversation dragged on for at least three hours, as Crane showed off his incredibly expansive collection of fabrics and regaled Tigress with stories of his fathers’ roof building and rickshaw driving, and was about to move on to his organized linen closet when Tigress finally snapped.

“OK, OK! Can we please just do something else?”

“Hah, okay. Just head through that door and I’ll meet you outside.”

A small wooden opening appeared, its golden handle inviting as Tigress stepped towards it.

“‘Finally, I thought he’d never be quiet.'” Tigress fumed, as she stepped through and found herself once more in the Northern Mountains, facing Crane.

As if in response to their heated souls, the snow stopped and created an undisturbed arena.

Once again, the two fighters performed a traditional bow of respect, before rushing towards each other.

As their fight raged on, day slowly turned to night, and the sky, usually littered with twinkling stars, was completely devoid of light, save for the moon. It’s luminescence coated the battleground with a faint brightness, allowing the silhouettes of the Jade Palace masters to be seen for fleeting moments.

As Tigress lunged forward with a palm strike, Crane took to the air once more, and with one wing remained aloft, while his other wing grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it. Tigress was not as easily fooled this time, as she effortlessly sliced the snow to pieces.

Crane tried again, but this time broke off a block of ice and molded it into a set of razor-tipped spears. The sky was soon filled with them, and Tigress was put on the backfoot as she deflected or redirected every single icicle. The spears returned to sender were bounced back by Crane’s wingblast, beginning a furious game of icicle tennis that quickly sped up as the volley continued, until the two were flailing their arms at speeds faster than eyes could track just to redirect the spear in time.

Eventually, however, the spear struck Crane’s side due to his inability to redirect it with both limbs, causing him to fall out of the sky and crash into a nearby snowdrift, thankfully breaking his fall.

Tigress racing towards him with her claws outstretched put enough fear into Crane’s heart that he started flapping his wings as a warning, inadvertently stirring up a miniature blizzard to serve as an impenetrable defense for several moments. But that brief hesitation in Tigress’ stride was all that was needed for her to be knocked off balance by the snow, as she found herself coated in white powder.

As a white tiger, Tigress had suffered enough humiliation. She growled with pure anger as she skittered towards Crane on all fours, her claws scraping through the snow with utter ease as she got closer.

Crane’s wing was still too injured to fly away, so he had no choice but to take the brunt of the next hit. But he couldn’t tank it in this state if he got hit full-on. He needed another way…

“‘Wait, hang on…yeah, I think that’s it! It’s my only chance!'” Crane assured, as he prepared to execute his strategy.

As Tigress delivered a swift kick, Crane turned around so his talons were taking the main force of the attack. The power behind Tigress’ legs easily launched Crane into the air, straight towards a sheer vertical cliff. And upon reaching it, Crane turned around so that he once again faced Tigress, using the cliff as a launching point one final time, his muscles tensed, as he blasted forward at incalculable speed.

Tigress, witnessing Crane rushing towards her, took a deep breath.

“COME ON!”

Using the ground as her own springboard, Tigress made a mighty leap towards Crane, and with her forward momentum she leaned in and began slashing away in front of her.

“IRON CLAW!”

Crane began spinning like a bullet, completely straightening out his body to boost his velocity until he was almost unrecognizable.

“SPINNING FEATHER BLOSSOM!”

The two got within inches of each other and-

SHINK!

The two intersected and moved past each other, both seemingly unhurt.

Wind whipped through the snowdrifts, dislodging some flakes that sailed along the current.

And then…

SPURT!

Blood rushed from a gash, running from the stomach all the way down to the leg in an unbroken line. One began to fall.

And with the victory in hand, the one on their feet curved around, grabbed the opponent by the neck, and threw them into the air. And with a true last remaining iota of stamina, the downed foe was blitzed several times over, the champion raging through the target and slashing recklessly over and over again, before climbing high above, blotting out the moon with a fear-inducing shadow, and somersaulting through the sky before delivering a bone-crunching footdive.

(idfk use your imagination dumb dumb stupid people I’m just kidding you’re great)

The impact knocked the defeated warrior to the snowfield below, the body continuing to bleed out as the victor landed nearby, energy completely spent. But not before uttering one final line.

“Who’s…the Crane…now…”

TIGRESS DEFEATED!

: Yeesh, uh…that seemed a little excessive. I thought these guys were supposed to be friends.

: Do not worry, the epilogue will very clearly explain how events can transpire in a positive fashion.

: I mean, yeah, but…shouldn’t someone get her a doctor, or…?

: This fight was honestly incredibly close. Because these characters’ stats are so similar to each other, and pretty much all of them can scale to at least some of the big feats in Kung Fu Panda prior to Paws of Destiny, any one of them could feasibly win this match if the scenario was run a hundred different times. For real! So picking the one answer that would happen the majority of the time was actually quite difficult. With one glaring exception.

: The first one out is Master Viper. She doesn’t really have any stand-out abilities that would give her an advantage in combat outside of an implied Venom bite, and her solo feats compared to the others are nothing notable. Kinda makes sense honestly, given how little she contributes. That, and pretty much all of her notable abilities, like paralysis techniques or levitation, are things the rest of the Five already have, which made it even harder for Viper to surprise them.

: Afterwards, though, is where it becomes much more difficult. Fourth place was a tossup between Mantis and Monkey, but ultimately we decided to put Mantis at fourth. His victory against Lidong is impressive, with Tigress noting Lidong as a formidable opponent, but it only happened because Mantis went inside his body and took him down within, because hitting his scales amounted to nothing. Mantis’ acupuncture also provides some decent hax, but he never uses it in combat and it requires hitting specific pressure points. His small size is also something the rest of the Five have long since caught onto, so they should be able to tag him.

: Monkey, despite being relatively lacking in high tier feats, gets to third because of his unpredictability and agility. Monkey’s tactics are something that the rest of the Five aren’t really prepared for, along with his penchant for fighting dirty, which allows him to pull some sneak strikes and take out some members of the Five, while using his good agility to stay away from the hard-hitting fighters for a good while. However, his lack of good feats keeps him from the top.

: Up next, we decided to put Tigress, which is…definitely going to require some explanation, given her status as the leader.

: While she definitely has the greatest raw strength of the group, arguably the most combat skill, and the greatest intelligence/mental focus, along with the impressive feats of staggering Kai and defeating Lidong (who can keep up with Po), she has somewhat of a weakness in dealing with fast opponents as seen in her fights against Mistress Mugan, and her brute-force fighting style will result in her taking lots of damage in addition to dishing it out. While this works fine in one-on-ones for finishing the fight fast, in a battle royale you normally want to stay in peak condition as long as possible, which Tigress’ close-quarters style will make it hard to do.

: There is also Tigress’s mastery of the Spirit Orbs, which Master Ding used to possess people and drive them to suicide, but Tigress never used the orbs in this fashion, and only used them to invade the minds of other Kung Fu masters. And even though this could potentially be helpful, it still doesn’t necessarily overcome the physicality gap, especially when other fighters could also potentially make use of the dreamscape to enhance their own fighting prowess. The durability in her hands is also rather noteworthy, and would be difficult for everyone else to get past, but this durability doesn’t necessarily extend to her entire body, as demonstrated by how she could be brought to the point of pain by things like Shen’s cannon and Kai that targeted her whole body. So more than likely, enough consistent pressure and attacks would be enough to overcome the problem.

: Finally, we selected Crane as the winner here, because he not only combined some of the best attributes of other Furious Five members into one, but his advantages were far more impactful.

: To begin, Crane holds an immense speed advantage, being able to even outpace Po for brief moments in KFP3, and flew from the top of a mountain to a valley miles away in seconds. This, combined with the ability to naturally fly, gives Crane a huge advantage in mobility, allowing him to stay out of range of all the other fighters, and take less damage, meaning he would be more in shape for the final fight.

: Crane is also the only one of the Five to possess ranged attacks with his Wings of Justice, meaning he can pelt them from afar if he so chose. His lifting strength is also comparable to Mantis via being able to carry the Five all the way from their battle with Tai Lung to the Jade Palace while exhausted. There’s also the fact that Crane tends to be underestimated by many other characters, which means that he will likely be focused on less in favor of taking out more prominent members like Tigress, leaving him in a better position when the final fight comes.

: And lastly, Crane has by far the best feats out of the Five, being able to take on and defeat both Fenghuang and the Lin Kuei singlehandedly, who are each capable of defeating the rest of the Five and even Shifu. Fenghuang in particular is the most powerful member of the original Furious Five that included Shifu, with the old Five being easily capable of dispatching the new Five at other points in the story. And while Fenghuang has beaten Crane several times in the past, she usually does that via her Impossible Moves, which she didn’t use here. So it should be fair to say Crane is comparable to a casual Fenghuang.

: Crane also has very little anti-feats, and staggered Kai as well with a barrel, putting him about on par with Tigress. And any unique techniques the others have, like the Chao-Wa Punch Kick or chi, are also known by Crane. While the other members can use Levitation Kung-Fu to fly, they are never seen using it after its debut, and Crane is still faster and more experienced with aerial combat. As such, due to greater speed, comparable strength to other heavy hitters in the Five, greater mobility, the greatest feats, and the ability to keep a low profile and avoid damage, Crane ultimately comes out on top.

: Guess winging it worked out pretty well for him, huh?

: Yeah…okay, but seriously, she’s about to die.

: Fine, the winner is Master Crane.

 

Crane (Winner):

+ Fastest speed

+ Greatest mobility

+ Best combat feats

+ Could camp out and let the other fighters wear themselves out

+ Above average lifting strength level

+ Possesses a way to fight at long range

= Variety of techniques

= Intelligence

– Not as good in close-quarters combat

– Not as skilled in weapon usage

 

Loser (Tigress):

+ Easily the most skilled weapon user.

+ Likely had the most raw power.

+ Punching the iron wood trees gives her somewhat of a durability advantage

+ Most combat training

+ Spirit Orbs gave her a unique hax that couldn’t be easily countered

= Intelligence

= Variety of techniques

– Likely target due to her notoriety

– Style of fighting leaves her open to taking a lot of damage early on

– Fairly predictable in combat

 

Loser (Monkey):

+ By far the most unpredictable in combat

+ Has high levels of agility

+ Probably the most well-rounded fighter

= Variety of techniques

= Intelligence

– Not particularly dominant in any one field of fighting

 

Loser (Mantis):

+ Small size makes him hard to hit

+ One of the faster members of the Five

+ Above average lifting strength

+ Acupuncture hax can allow him to score some good hits on the opponents

+ Gong Tau potion can increase his size…

= Intelligence

= Variety of techniques

– …but at the cost of his kung fu skill

– Very rarely uses acupuncture in combat

– Small size makes him overall less durable than the rest of the fighters

 

Loser (Viper):

+ Poison manipulation via her fangs and the paralyzing shoulder pinch could allow her to incapacitate targets

+ Is somewhat agile

+ Can force opponents to hit themselves

+ …Vore?

= Intelligence

= Variety of techniques

– Very few notable combat feats

– Can be easily tied up with her own body

– Very few notable individual abilities

---

Epilogue…

It took some time, but Tigress could slowly feel a sensation of warmth returning to her body. She felt comfortable enough to sit up, looking at Crane dispelling the chi around his wing.

“So…you won, huh?”

Crane smirked, but in a kind way, as if it was a jest between friends.

“What can I say? Sometimes, the Crane does get some rewards.”

“No, no…you deserved it. This just means I have to train more.” Tigress insisted, stretching out.

“A little training could help us all out. I mean, who knows what Po’s gotten himself into these days…”

The masters sat in rumination for some time, but eventually the bone-chilling weather set in and made them want to leave. So, Crane gathered Monkey in his claws, and the duo went back through the tunnel that brought them to the mountains to arrive back at the forest.

The Gong Tau potion’s effects hadn’t worn off yet, so they pushed the giant Mantis to the Moshu Market and bought the antidote from an eccentric pig, bringing Mantis back down to normal size.

By this time, the two had woken up, so they all walked together back to the Jade Palace, still clutching some of their wounds that had not closed yet. They walked together through the massive double doors, and bowed in deference to Shifu, waiting alongside Viper.

At his gesture, Viper slithered over to stand alongside the rest of the Five, awaiting Shifu’s next words.

“So, who ended up victorious?”

Everyone pointed at Crane.

“Really?” 

Crane looked annoyed.

“I’m joking, I’m joking! I just never saw it coming.” Shifu mumbled, before clearing his throat.

“Students! I hope you realize the nature of this exercise, and hopefully you used it to become stronger fighters in the process. Even after many years of training, there is still more you can uncover and master to go even further beyond your preset limits. There may yet be a time when you will face an enemy more powerful than any beforehand, and you must be ready!”

“YES MASTER!”

“Dismissed.”

“W-wait, hang on?”

Shifu stopped and turned back slightly.

“Don’t I-“

“Yes?”

“Uh, I mean-“

“Mmhmm.”

“I just…feel like maybe I should, get a reward. For, winning this battle. Maybe.” Crane muttered, a bit sheepish.

“A reward greater than the knowledge you need to grow stronger? A reward greater than the satisfaction of triumph? A reward greater than the validation of your own kung fu skill?”

“…Yes?”

Shifu pinched the bridge of his nose, then let out a little chuckle.

“Alright, very well. Your reward is that you get to choose what the Furious Five do for the rest of the day, and they aren’t allowed to abandon it.”

This sparked Crane’s attention, as he rubbed his wings together and smiled, eyes wide, while the rest of the Five looked a bit uneasy. Except for Tigress, who was banging her head against a wall.

“Alright, let’s look on the bright side. Maybe it could be fun!” Viper pleaded, optimistic. “What are you planning, Crane?”

The bird winked and held out his wing in what was the best way to perform a thumbs-up. 

“Well…”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

The Five found themselves in a scented fabric store, impatiently waiting as Crane continued to sniff fabrics, and continuously arouse himself with their odor.

“Come on, Mantis, it could be a lot worse.”

“Yeah, standing around in a rug shop watching someone get high off of sniffing. What could POSSIBLY BE MORE FUN THAN THAT!?”

Everyone shhed the bug, who buried himself deep in his pincers.

“‘It’s only for a little bit.'”  everyone promised themselves.

“Hey, guys, you have got to try smelling this reed-scented one, it is heavenly!” Crane insisted, as he took a massive inhale and smiled.

Everyone groaned as they sat and waited for another 30 minutes. Finally, Crane came up.

“OK, we’re done!”

Everyone cheered.

“With this store! The furniture store is having a sale on terra-cotta, isn’t it great!?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Up at the Jade Palace, Shifu’s ears twitched as he let loose a hearty laugh.

“Music to my ears.”

Usopp vs Sokka: Smackdown!

: Oh hey, you’re actually writing things now. What, did being a lazy shithead stop being entertaining?

: Kinda. But I also finally got motivation!

: You had best proceed now, before you lose interest and fall into yet another creative slump for several months and inevitably pick up another project you will fail to complete.

: I’m sorry, are you just here to tell me I’m a failure the entire time?

: Not at all. Merely provide the kinetic and conflict-rich kickstart this bout needs. Although it has come to my attention that I might have exhausted that pool.

: Yeah…maybe this is the ill-fated seasonal rot era. Either way, we got a great clash here, so it’s time to GO!

——————————

Thousand Sunny, five clicks southeast of Dressrosa…

The heavens above were an almost perfect balance of clouds and clear skies, filtering the intense sunlight into warm rays that gently tanned the smooth bodies of two women on board the wooden vessel. As they turned on their back to even out their coating, their well-endowed upper bodies rippled and swayed from side to side, and jiggled just a little bit in the cool sea breeze.

“Ah…Robin-san, the weather is great, isn’t it?” one of the girls, an orange-haired beauty, breathed in an airy voice.

“Yes, it’s very relaxing.” Robin replied, turning to the next page in her book on the history of Ohara while sipping some juice.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, a man wearing a crisp black suit was chopping radishes and sliding them into a magnificent salad spread, part of a massive banquet meal.

“Oh, I hope Nami-swan likes this meal…” the chef, Sanji, pleaded.

“Yohohohohohoho! It smells quite delectable. Perhaps it would be okay for me to take a sample tas-“

Sanji immediately smacked the intruder to the floor, giving him a large bump.

“Damn skeleton, this food is for Nami-san and Robin-chan! Know your place!”

“BROOK-SAN!” 

Through the door came a short reindeer with a peculiar blue nose, a startled look etched on his face. With monstrous efficiency, he scanned Brook’s body and determined everything was okay.

“Ah, Chopper-san, thank you.”

“Hehehe, Brook, you asshole! Praising me won’t make me feel good, uuh…” Chopper swooned, clearly taking the compliment to heart.

“Sanji-san…?”

“Oh, Robin-chwaaaaaan? I’m comiiiiing!” Sanji cooed, his eyes bulging out and turning into hearts as he sashayed out the door with a tray balanced precariously on his arms, holding it up to Nami.

“Arigato, Sanji!”

With that, Nami blew a kiss towards the love-starved cook, who instantly fell to his knees, to the ire of a man lifting weights on the deck.

“Tch, pervert.” 

His aura instantly shifting to one of fire, Sanji turned and fixed his steely gaze on former pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro.

“Oi, since when did I ask your opinion, you damn marimo?”

The two butted heads with looks of anger in their eyes, as Zoro reached for his swords and Sanji’s leg began to heat up.

Shaking her head, Robin crossed her arms and summoned forth a barrage of hands to ensnare Zoro and Sanji, separating them and pinning them to separate corners of the deck. The two did eventually calm down, although they still cast the occasional evil eye.

“Ah, see, you CAN get along!” Nami chastised, as she moved her sunglasses to her forehead. “Franky, are we still on course?”

“SUUUUUPER on course!”

The call came from a massive man holding the steering wheel, his appearance disguising the complex cybernetics just under his skin. Punctuating his confirmation, he raised his arms to the sky and flashed a golden star, brimming with dazzling style.

And sitting at the prow of the ship, a worn straw hat resting atop his head, was the captain of the motley crew. A man infamous enough to be the headliner of the worst generation of pirates, achieving numerous victories at Alabasta and Enies Lobby, and participating in the the Paramount War two years prior, “Mugiwara” Luffy, the man who would soon be the Pirate King.

“Shishishishi! Mingo, we’re coming for you!”

“Luffy, don’t get ahead of yourself! We don’t even know what we’re going to run into when we get there! It’s probably a trap!” Nami yelled.

“It’s okay, we’ll find a way to get through it! Then we’ll get something to eat after!”

“Is your stomach all you can think about?!”

Luffy shrugged, only to find himself set upon by an angry Nami and beaten senseless, as the sound of Luffy’s agonized cries echoed within the bowels of the ship, as a man with toned abs and a full head of black hair tinkered in his workshop.

“Mmm…how am I going to get these new star rounds done with all this noise?”

stop music

Some knew him as the resident sniper of the Straw Hat Crew. Others saw him as the Sniper King himself. Regardless, they all added up to a single common demoninator – the mighty Captain Usopp.

“Is this ship always this…chaotic?” questioned a man in black garb.

“It’s something you get used to. Has a bit of a homey charm to it. Maybe if you stay long enough you’ll like it too, huh Tra-guy?”

“I’ll probably go insane first.” Law sighed, as he walked over to the other notable guest on the ship – a being rippling with pinkish-purple gas and sporting a crazed expression.

“Thank god this trade is almost here, I don’t know how much more of this bastard I can handle.” 

“The feeling is mutual.” Caesar Clown angrily muttered.

As nonchalant as ever, Law pulled out a container with a beating heart inside, and squeezed. Pain immediately shot through Caesar’s body as he gasped, feeling as if he was about to die.

“Gyaaah! Damn you, Trafalgar! If I had my heart I would finish you in an instant!”

“And if you tried, I’d cut you in two before you could move. Besides, you’re almost safe anyway, might as well suck it up until we get to Greenbit.”

“I would, if your friend wasn’t sucking me dry!”

“Hey, you’re being useful by giving me poison gas for my Instant Death-Smoke Star! You should be thankful, you’re actually contributing to society.” Usopp remarked, a bit smug.

As Caesar continued to grumble, there was a sudden earth-shaking rumble that knocked some of the technology from the shelves, leaving Usopp a bit unsteady.

“Whoaohoahoahhhohhhh, what’s that?”

The two raced outside to witness a barrage of fireballs falling from the sky about a click to the north, crash-landing with a steamy burst accompanying them.

“Big rumbling sounds and fireballs from the sky are almost never good signs.” Sanji mused, lighting his cigarette.

“Huh…hey, was that big black rock there like 5 seconds ago?” Luffy questioned.

Immediately, the crew turned up to see a massive shadow cast over their ship, and immediately felt puny next to the massive obstacle now threatening to smash their ship to pieces.

Naturally, there were a series of profoundly earsplitting cries as the more cowardly members of the crew ran around like headless chickens at the oncoming danger, prompting Zoro to stand up and pull out his Kitetsu.

“Ittoryu…” 

Silence. And then…

“ONIGIRI!”

Quick as lightning, Zoro unleashed a slash that split the rock in two. The top half crumbled into the ocean, leaving behind a smooth hemispherical platform, shimmering like onyx.

“That’s odd, I didn’t detect any natural rock formations in this area on my sea charts…” Nami murmured.

Intrigued, Robin sat up and crossed her arms once more.

“Cien Fleur!”

Immediately, a hundred hands appeared on the rock and began feeling it out.

“Based on the texture, this isn’t a rock indigenous to this world. Most likely it originated from outside the planet’s atmosphere.” Robin concluded.

“Like a meteor?” Franky interjected, with Robin giving an imperceptible nod.

“SUUUUUUPEEEERRRR! I’ve been thinking about reinforcing the Sunny’s hull with meteor armor. Mingo sounds pretty tough and we need to be prepared.”

“Sounds fantastic. So…get going!” Nami goaded.

“Uh…Franky is not feeling very super at the moment.”

“Chopper-san?”

“I…need to take care of creating more medicine! You never know what might happen…hehe.”

“Fine. We’ll settle this in a different way…” Nami trailed off, taking a piece of paper and ripping it into chunks before holding them out.

Five minutes later…

“Ah, why do I always get the short end of the paper?!” Usopp grumbled, as he set out in the Mini-Merry to the rock.

One mile to the east…

“Mmgh, stupid Katara and her stupid snowball picking contest. Where am I gonna find lychee nuts in the middle of the ocean? What, are they just gonna fall right out of…the…sky…”

The boy immediately forgot about his objective upon seeing the massive black stone to the west.

“WoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah baby, Sokka’s struck black, hard, chunky gold! Sokka’s Space Sword will now make its glorious return! I just need a little bit…”

Now completely energized, Sokka began rowing at an incredible speed, until at last he was moored alongside the rock. With fire rising up through his belly, Sokka clambered onto the rock to see-

“Hey!”

On the other side, Usopp turned to see a man in a blue tunic with a ponytail ranting and raving at him, seemingly.

“Yeah?”

“Find your own meteor, this is mine!”

“…What?!”

“FIND YOUR OWN METEOR!”

“USOPP! WHAT’S HE SAYING!?” Luffy yelled.

“I think he wants us to give him some meat!”

“What?!” Luffy snorted indignantly. “Why would we waste perfectly good meat on someone else?”

“TELL THAT GUY TO TAKE A HIKE!” 

“Alright, captain…YOU HEARD HIM! TAKE A HIKE!” Usopp yelled back.

“…What the heck’s a bike?”

Before the two could proceed any further, the seas began rumbling again, a little more violently than last time. Huge waves stirred and rocked the Sunny, threatening to capsize it as Franky, Robin, and Nami struggled to keep the boat upright.

As the Straw Hats were all preoccupied, the rock began to dislodge itself from the sea and began climbing higher and higher into the sky.

“Wait, what’s happening? Appa, are you trying to prank me? It’s not funny!” Sokka whined, looking under the rock to see that there was nothing there.

“OK, then I guess Toph somehow managed to learn long-distance earthbending. That’s okay. Things’ll turn out alright. I’m just gonna relax, and in a couple hours I’ll be back on shore.” Sokka reassured, sitting down with his arms across his legs.

“Yeah, well that doesn’t help me! Oi, Luffy, give me a hand!”

“How about a GUM-GUM ROCKET!?” Luffy responded, stretching his arms as far ass they could go to reach out to the still-rising meteoroid. However, when he got close, the rock flew upward even faster, as Luffy’s fingertips just missed the edge.

“Sanji-san!” Robin pleaded.

“Got it!” 

Sanji jumped off the ship and-

“Sky Walk!”

-began jumping on the air over and over to gain tremendous altitude. Soon, he was almost level with the rock, and held out his hand to grab hold.

But just as soon as he tried, three chunks of debris splintered off and blasted towards the chef at high speed, knocking him off-course and sending him reeling back down, slamming into the deck of the ship.

“Uurgh…” 

With no more obstructions, the giant rock immediately flew off at incredible speeds, until it disappeared from sight in a flash.

“Usopp!”

“Luffy, you need to use some Observation Haki to find him!” Chopper demanded, grabbing Luffy and pulling him close.

“I can’t! I haven’t developed it enough to reach that far!” Luffy panicked, as he lay down on the verge of tears, watching the trail left behind by his dear friend with no way to help.

“USOPPPPPPP!!!” Luffy screamed, banging his fists on the deck until his knuckles started to bruise and bleed, as everyone comforted him.

Miles away, at a mysterious island…

A massive naval base stood at the peak of a giant mountain, casting the entire island in overwhelming shadows. The precipice was lined with enough mines and traps to stop even a giant from getting to the top.

Within the base, several marine officers all stood in the inner sanctum, watching their commander, the Vice Admiral Momonga, speak into the traditional Dendenmushi communicator.

“Mmhmm?”

“I’ve used the power of my Devil Fruit to trap one of the Straw Hat crew on board a meteor. He will be arriving at your base posthaste.”

“Understood. Thank you, Admiral.”

“May justice shine favorably on you, Momonga.” he concluded, before shutting off his snail transponder.

With a smirk, Momonga sat up from his chair and strutted over to the window. Using his Observation Haki, he cast his sight out over the water, and at last picked up on the location of the meteor, now careening towards the island and leaving a fiery trail behind.

“Right on time…Lieutenant Condoriano!”

“Yes sir?”

“Prepare a cell in the lower levels for our guest, and ready a Dendenmushi for transmitting the ransom message to his crew.”

“We’re ransoming off a pirate?”

“Of course not. We’re luring the rest in to capture them as well. Now get going!”

Not daring to question their superior again, the Marines all dispersed and exited the building one by one, darting towards the forest they were informed would be the landing site of the rock.

stop music

On the crashing asteroid itself, the two weaklings were hugging each other out of fear, praying for their lives as the ground grew closer at a frightening pace.

“Katara, if I ever make it out of this alive, I will have some very angry words for you!” Sokka ranted.

“Maybe if you weren’t screaming so much we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Usopp shot back.

“YOU should have tried to stop me!”

“Forget it, let’s just keep screaming.”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

CRASH!

…

…

“Uurgh…that wasn’t a pleasant landing.” Sokka groaned, as he opened his detritus-encrusted eyes and rubbed his aching head. Slowly, he sat up and took stock of the scenario.

“Okay, so I’m in a forest with…” 

“…not the best options. But then again, these guys haven’t seen Sokka style before.”

“Just gotta hide up in this tree and then BAM! Instant victory. Dad’d be proud.”

Sokka was about to grab hold of a nearby trunk, but his eyes kept going back to Usopp, still lying unconscious.

“No, no, don’t even think about it. He’s not your friend, he’s just some random guy who ah…who might be a spy! Yeah, a spy. He’s probably going to sell you out as soon as the guards show up. Just leave him alone…” 

…

“Just leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him al-“

“Ragh!” Sokka groaned as he grabbed hold of Usopp’s arms and began hauling him towards the tree. Using all his strength, the Water Tribe ambassador hoisted the sniper up into the leaves.

“He better thank me for this when he wakes up!” Sokka gasped, as the sound of footsteps squishing dried leaves grew ever closer.

Fear gave him the adrenaline he needed to push Usopp to the middle branches, before following along. His feet disappeared from sight just as the first Marine troop burst into the clearing, gun at the ready.

“Usopp of the Straw Hat pirates, by order of Vice Admiral Momonga, you are under arrest!”

The soldier looked around, only to discover the patch of land was bare, save for the massive stone.

“What the…?”

He looked all around the stone, underneath it, even in the sky above. Nothing. He scanned the nearby bushes and foliage. Nothing.

“They got away?” another Marine questioned, as the rest of the squad pushed their way past the greenery.

“Looks like it. Fast little buggers…spread out! Find them, bring them in, but don’t kill them.”

The soldiers saluted, before spreading out and ultimately vanishing into the undergrowth.

Just as Sokka was about to mentally pat himself on the back, he heard a bone-chilling tongue cluck from behind. Slowly, he swiveled his head around, hoping against hope that what he imagined wasn’t true…

…only to have his heart sink as Usopp’s eyes fluttered open, and his mouth began to open and release a tired groan.

Quick as a wink, Sokka slapped his hand on the sniper’s face, blocking out the low-pitched grumble. The action was not returned with kindness, as Usopp jerked upward and knocked the hand loose.

“Personal space, buddy? Thanks.” 

“You know, you could be a little more thankful I saved you from those guys. I didn’t have to do it, but I did.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m just saying, it’s a tough world out there, and not everyone would be willing to help out someone for free.”

“Thanks.”

“So maybe, you could-oh, uh, you’re welcome.”

The two peeked out from the leaves to see the last trace of Marines disappear from sight, before taking a breath of relief.

“So, who were those guys?” 

“Marines. They hunt pirates like me and take them in for ‘obstructing peace.'”

“Wait…you’re a pirate?”

“Yeah.”

“Errrr…sorry man, I think I gotta go.”

As Sokka started to climb down from the tree, he felt a tug on his arm.

“What’s up?”

“Well…awhile ago, we were caught by these pirates and, they almost had us killed.”

“Oh…”

The two sat in silence, giving each other cautious looks. Then Usopp broke the silence.

“Well, you know…we try to be a lot less bloodthirsty in our pirating.”

“I guess you’ve got the right pirate-itude, huh?”

“Er…”

“Sorry, just remembering things from the past. But if you say that you’re on the up and up, I don’t exactly have a lot of options aside from trusting you. Long as you don’t turn on me, this’ll go great. Agreed?” Sokka offered, raising his hand.

“Agreed.” Usopp replied, shaking his hand. “Now, ah…got any ideas on how to get out?”

“Yeah, hang on. Hawky? Tweet tweet?”

From within Sokka’s tunic, a brown bird with two head crests popped out, and flapped its wings to stand on his shoulder, poised for action.

“You got some paper?”

“Nah.”

“Darn…eh, I’ll just use this leaf.”

From his pocket Sokka pulled out a brush and ink, before coating the tip in blackness and writing a series of messages on the nearby tree leaves. After sticking them all together, he placed them in the container on the messenger hawk’s back.

“Okay, Hawky. Fly to the South Pole and tell Katara I’m about 5 miles to the west of Whale Tail Island.”

The bird nodded, as Sokka turned him in the direction of the beach and released it. Fast as a bullet, the bird took off, and soon it was out of sight.

“Alright. Can you make a fire?” Sokka continued.

“Can I make fire…Instant Death-Fire Star!”  

After cocking his slingshot, Usopp let loose a ball that exploded into a small inferno, as a patch of fire now lit up the center of the thicket.

“Good, good…now it’s time to work.” Sokka concluded as he jumped down and used his club sword to hack off a massive piece of the meteor.

“Wish I could have done this at home, but beggars can’t be choosers.” 

With that, he placed the meteor chunk into the fire, and then sat down.

“Hey, do you think you could keep me safe until I’m done with this?” Sokka inquired.

“Mmm…”

“I did save your life, you know.”

“Mmmmmmokay.”

Usopp pulled out his slingshot and kept a sharp eye out for intruders.

An hour passed. Then two. Every so often Sokka asked Usopp to rekindle the fire. Two hours turned to four. Finally, the meteor was melted down. With the first step complete, Sokka scraped up the molten rock and splashed it onto the platform. With his blade, he carved away the lava piece by piece, until at last he had a cast akin to a sword.

Satisfied, he pulled out a smithing hammer and began striking the iron in a rhythmic pattern.

Clang, Clang, Clang…

Usopp, having gathered some water from the ocean, returned with a bucketful. Accepting the receptacle with a quiet “thank you”, Sokka took a deep breath and tossed the entire contents over the sword, evenly coating the entire blade with the cooling fluid.

There at last was a black sword. It was far sloppier than the one he had constructed with Piandao, but it would do.

“That sword…have you heard of the 12 Supreme Grade Swords?” Usopp questioned.

“Can’t say I have.”

“I didn’t know you could just make these. My friend Zoro had to earn his from a dead samurai.”

“Oh yeah. They’re just really hard to find cuz they, you know, need a meteor. Not exactly super common.”

Picking up the second space sword and feeling it out, Sokka could feel an old sensation coming back to him, a part that he felt almost naked without. It was good to have a faithful weapon by his side again.

“Alright, Hawky usually takes a day to get back when delivering messages this far. Guess we gotta spend the night.” Sokka muttered, scanning around for an ideal campsite.

“You’re pretty handy, gotta say.” Usopp commented.

“Yeah, well…when you travel the world, you sorta pick up a thing or two.”

“Amen.”

The two continued to trek through the dense jungle, chopping down obstructing branches and swinging across massive pits, until they finally located a copse surrounded by impassable cliffs on all but one side.

“This’ll…do.” Sokka gasped.

“Good…I can’t walk anymore…” Usopp wheezed, flopping on his back, with Sokka joining suit.

“Just get ready…to move out tomorrow.”

The two shut their eyes and began dreaming, blissfully unaware of the dark shadows watching their every move.

The next morning…

The two men stretched out and stood up, shielding their eyes from the light slipping through the foliage.

“Alright, let’s MOVE!” Sokka insisted, vaulting over the chasm to the other side.

“Ehhhh, fine. Do you really think your help is going to show up?” Usopp persisted.

“Sure, Hawky’s super reliable.” 

Sokka looked forward and saw the faint silhouette of a ship on the beach.

“There, you see. Told you.”

“Fine, but when we get you back home, I’m taking the ship to find my nakama. That okay?”

“Go crazy, just don’t try to pillage us.”

“If you say so.”

“And now, my friend, we are HOME-“

The tip of a sword jammed itself millimeters away from Sokka’s throat.

“-free.”

stop music

The beach was absolutely crawling with Marines, each more deadly and powerful than the last. And heading them was Momonga, a look of intimidation plastered on his face.

“I must say, the messenger bird was an interesting touch. But you should know by now, pirate, that we monitor all incoming and outgoing transmissions. Your message will never reach its destination.”

“Aw…so close.” Usopp groaned.

“So, we’re gonna have to fight now, huh?” Sokka conceded, pulling out his space sword and preparing himself for the ultimate showdown, Usopp at his back.

“Hold on, I’m not done.”

“Say what.”

“We know that you…” Momonga began, pointing at Sokka, “are not a pirate. So here’s how things are gonna work. You two’ll fight. If you win, you get to go free. If you lose, you’ll be executed along with him.”

“Wait, what? But if I haven’t done anything wrong, can’t I just go right now? Seems fair to me!”

“Our boss believes in absolute justice and certainty. We cannot take the risk you may be conspiring together.”

“Right, of course, silly me…” Sokka responded sheepishly. “‘Stupid Katara…'”

“How’s this going to work?” Usopp cut in.

“You can fight across the entire island. First one to die loses. And don’t try anything else, or you’ll be shot on sight.” Momonga deadpanned.

“Oh, well that’s pleasant.” Sokka muttered.

“I hope you make it through, son. Good luck.”

The Marines all made an about face and trudged back into the bushes.

“Well, that was convenient. Hey, come on, we gotta find a way off this-“

SHING!

Usopp barely managed to tilt his head back in time to avoid his nose being sliced off, air whooshing past as Sokka sliced downward.

“What the hell, man, you could have killed-ohhhh.”

“I’m sorry. You seem like a nice guy and all, but…I’ve gotta get back to my friends and family.”

“Heh…kinda thought we could be nakama.” Usopp noted.

The two were silent for a long while after that. Then, Usopp unsheathed his slingshot and nocked a shot.

“…Me too.” 

Having missed the first attack, Sokka delivered a spinning kick leveraged by the sword’s hilt, striking Usopp in the ribs and sending him crashing to the sand face-first.

Unfortunately, his mouth was open.

“Bleaugh! Agh! Yuck!” 

Usopp tried to rub the dirty sand off his tongue while turning his back on the Water Tribe swordsman, allowing Sokka to remove the sword from the sand trap and swing it full-tilt at the sniper.

At the last second, Usopp twisted to the side in his pained convulsions, his skin being grazed by the blade and leaving a bleeding cut.

“‘How did he…never mind.'” Sokka pondered, as he turned around and raced back into the forest to maintain the element of surprise.

As Usopp finally regained his senses, he could feel that Sokka was no longer there.

“Hehe, sucker. Now I’ll just very quietly find a boat and-“

BANG!

A gunshot blasted the sand up near Usopp’s feat, startling the sniper as he instinctively turned tail and ran into the woods.

As Usopp ran past the bushes, massive tree branches started falling from above. The first one Usopp dodged left a small crater in the ground, sending fear into the sniper’s bones as he redoubled his efforts to stay alive.

“YEAAAAAGGHHH!!!”

Sokka would never admit it, but that got a chuckle out of him as he hid in the treeline. 

“Heehehehehehehe-wait, where’d he go?”

For Usopp had already escaped the trap a few seconds prior, and unbeknownst to Sokka had already begun constructing his counterattack.

“Great…” Sokka grumbled, as he grabbed hold of his makeshift rope and began swinging through the trees to catch up.

Tree by tree, Sokka rapidly made his way through the dense growth, oblivious to the fact that some of the vines he passed were moving.

“POP GREEN!”

In an instant, the tree Sokka landed on shed it’s brown coating and revealed itself as a monstrous Venus Flytrap, ensnaring Sokka in its tendrils and bringing him towards it massive jaws.

“Wait, you can control plants?!?”

From behind a tree Usopp emerged, a smug grin ear to ear on his visage.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Do you know a guy named Huu?”

“Look, that’s not important. I’m not trying to kill you, alright?”

“Oh, yeah, sure. So I’m just imagining this giant plant about to eat me.”

“Hey, you tried to cut me open with a sword, it’s basic counterattacking!”

“Yeah…” Sokka trailed off, as he used his fingers to reach into his tunic, pulling out his trusty boomerang. Shifting his body to hide his back, he began quietly sawing away at the tendrils.

“So, how do you get plants like these anyway?”

“Secret island, it’s full of them. But, I’m not sure you could get there, it’s kinda out of the way.”

“Coulda been useful for defending my village. Then again, it probably wouldn’t work out anyway.”

“Because…?”

Sokka finally sliced through the last vine, and broke his restraints!

As the discarded stem pieces drifted to the earth, Sokka reached into his pack and pulled out a small bottle.

“They say cold air is bad for plants.”

Upon tossing the bottle at the flytrap, the frost within spread out, instantly encasing it in a two-foot-thick sheet of ice.

“Not bad, huh?”

Usopp was startled for a moment, but quickly regained his composure.

“Against a normal fighter, maybe. But these aren’t ordinary plants.”

The ice began to crack, and then without warning, the plant erupted from its icy tomb, angrier than ever.

“Oh, come on!” Sokka whined.

“These plants have survived the coldest regions of Punk Hazard, there’s no way they’d be stopped that easily!” Usopp boasted, as he readied another shot.

“Instant Death-Shuriken Star!”

A barrage of ninja stars hurtled towards the non-bender, who swung underneath the tree branch to avoid them and kicked forward to launch at Usopp. Undeterred, the sniper cocked another ball for launching, and released his Instant Death Smoke Star right in Sokka’s face. The collision generated a thick, soupy cloud of fog, obscuring the Water tribesman’s vision completely.

“Man…really?” Sokka complained, feeling around to try and find a marker to latch onto.

“You know, this isn’t exactly a warrior’s way to win, is it?”

“Then let me shed some light on the situation.”

Something hard was jammed into Sokka’s face. It felt cold, like a mix of metal and new-age technology, something very str-

“FLASH DIAL!”

With no warning, a blinding light erupted from the small dial straight into the unwary Sokka’s eyes, full-force. The warrior’s pupils instantly shriveled, and he felt a pressing desire to close his eyes for eternity to block out the pain.

“GAAAAHH!!”

While Sokka rubbed his eyes to try and make the pain go away, Usopp readied another slingshot attack. But as he nocked his weapon and prepared to fire, he was caught off guard by Sokka swinging his blade frantically in all directions, spinning so fast he turned into a tornado of death. His space sword instantly sliced anything it touched to ribbons as it edged closer to Usopp’s bare flesh.

Usopp attempted to shield himself with a nearby rock, only for it to be cut to pieces in moments.

“Well, there’s only one thing left to do!” Usopp proudly proclaimed.

He then bolted into another part of the forest.

With time to himself, Sokka eventually stopped spinning. His head was sore with dizziness, but he seemed to be uninterrupted.

“No, no, I’m not gonna chase him.” Sokka reprimanded to himself, as he paced around to think of a plan. Then his eyes happened to catch a glimpse of the massive plateau looming over him.

“Might be something good in there.” 

His eyes shifted a little lower, squinting to see the numerous traps lining the mountainside.

“Methinks I’m hatching an idea…but how to get him over there…?”

He felt around in his tunic before pulling out a cluster of bombs.

“Oh yeah…that’ll do.”

---

As Usopp continued to run through the trees, he kept glancing back to see if he was being tailed. 

Nothing.

“Looks like I lost him. That sword is crazy, why’d I let him make it?”

“Well…maybe Zoro could use it.”

…

“Nah.”

Usopp kept running, but there was no end to the forest in sight. He was motivated only by the fear of Marines hunting him, and the hope he’d find the water so-

BOOM!

A small explosion blasted Usopp to the side, right into a berry bush. As the sniper tried to get up, another bomb blasted him right back down to earth. And for the second time, he was force-fed pieces of the ground.

“You know, that is getting-pfft-really annoying!” Usopp complained, as he struggled to get to his feet and began running, away from the bombs that continued to pepper the ground with each step the sniper took.

As Usopp rounded the corner, he saw a massive boulder blocking his path with no way around, and no way to stop. Desperate, he nocked another slingshot round.

“SKULL EXPLODING GRASS!”

A small pellet shot towards the rock and made contact, exploding with deadly force and leaving naught but a skull emblem and a few pulverized chunks behind as Usopp surged past.

After some time, Usopp finally made it to a river too big to jump over, with no way across.

Pulling out a different seed, Usopp fired into the water and summoned a BOATY BANANA to carry him across. Grabbing the paddles, Usopp rowed faster than he had ever done before, speeding across at a supersonic pace.

Before he could get across, something sharp sliced right through the boat, causing it to leak air.

“Oh, that’s just great!” Usopp groaned, as his boat started to sink. He kept paddling in a futile effort to complete the crossing, but he wasn’t getting enough speed.

“‘It’s days like this when I’m REALLY glad I didn’t eat a Devil Fruit.'” Usopp reminisced, before diving into the water and beginning to swim.

The water was cold, and deeper than he thought. Fighting the rapids was draining his stamina quickly as he fought the current, and the other side seemed like it was an eternity away.

And the whole ordeal was made infinitely harder as more bombs were tossed into the river, creating explosions of water that forced the sniper to constantly change his trajectory to stay alive.

“Must…keep…hah…going…oh god, someone help me…”

Finally, Usopp slowly crawled onto the riverbank and inched his way onto dry land. He so desperately wanted to take a break, but he could see a shadow blotting out the sunlight above him, and knew that he had to keep going. After shaking himself dry, he took off once again towards the mountain.

In the trees above, a lone soldier, face coated with the markings of a warrior tribe, wass watching his adversary’s every move. The time to strike was nigh.

“Sniper King Usopp, prepare yourself. You’re about to get a front-row seat to Sokka style!”

stop music

---

After a long run, Usopp finally made it to the base of the mountain. He could see the marine base on top, but the path up was extremely jagged and unsafe.

“Well…guess I better start climbing.” 

Usopp reached out to grab hold of the rock face, when he was suddenly stricken with a vision.

Within the rock, he could see hundreds of booby traps spread all over, except on the northwest side. The image lasted only a moment before it fizzled out.

“Was…was that the power of Observation?”

Usopp stepped back, and accidentally snapped a twig. The noise startled him badly enough to make him fall on his back, accidentally crushing his bag in the process.

“No, nonononono, please don’t be broken!” Usopp pleaded, as he scrounged around in his bag, relaxing as he saw that nothing was damaged.

“Whew…hello, what’s this?”

Some of Usopp’s dials had been armed by the collision, primed for use.

“Now THIS, I can use. Time to send a shock to his system!”

Usopp’s laughter trailed off as he set to work. He circled the mountain, tampering with the occasional rock here and there, until at last he was satisfied. With about half his supplies remaining in his bag, he returned to the safe patch, and began climbing.

“Let’s see him get past that.” Usopp boasted, as his fingers grabbed hold of the tiny chinks in the stone above.

Meanwhile, Sokka finally escaped the forest and stood at the base of the cliff, a mere speck next to the titanic marine base.

“Guess he’s up there already…in hindsight, maybe Aang’s crazy climbing dream wasn’t so crazy after all.”

Resigned to his fate, Sokka trudged to stand eye-to-eye with the rock, and then grabbed hold. With his other hand, he reached up to a chunk of stone a little below a tree branch.

KATHOOOM!!

The rock instantly exploded, and immeasurable pain shot through Sokka’s arm.

“AAAAGGHHHH!” Sokka screamed, rolling on the floor and clutching his useless arm as he tried to quell the pain.

After a few minutes allowed his bruised ego and body to heal, he reached up and grabbed another chunk of rock with his other arm.

“KYAAAAAAAHHH!!” Sokka cried out once again, as his other arm fell victim to the same excruciating torment from earlier.

“WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?”

“GAHAHAHAHAHA! GREETINGS, FOOLISH MORTAL!”

“Wh-who said that?”

“IT IS I, THE GOD OF THIS WORLD! EVERYWHERE, AND YET…NOWHERE.”

“BY NOW, YOU HAVE PROBABLY REALIZED THAT THIS STONE YOU ATTEMPT TO CONQUER, IS CURRRRSSSEED.”

“Th-there’s no s-such thing as c-curses…” Sokka stammered, looking every which way as fear crawled up his spine.

“YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING RIGHT NOW THAT THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS CURSES. AND YOU WOULD BE HORRIFICALLY WRONG! THE ENTIRE MOUNTAIN HAS BEEN ENCHANTED TO CAUSE YOU ETERNAL TORMENT THE LONGER YOU TRY TO TAME IT! UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU CAN FIND THE ONE SAFE ROUTE.”

“Hehe, that’s ni-“

“BUT DO NOT BECOME COMPLACENT! FOR AT THE TOP, AWAITS YOUR ULTIMATE DOWNFALL AND DEMISE! FLEE NOW, AND YOU MAY YET BE SPARED MY DIVINE WRATH!”

Halfway up the mountain, Usopp chuckled. 

“I knew that Tone Dial was a nice touch. And by lining the mountain with Impact Dials, he’ll be too scared to climb up after me! I’m home free!”

“Now I just need to avoid the traps mysel-” Usopp continued, as his fingers accidentally grabbed and pulled a trip wire.

A wooden barrier gave way, releasing an avalanche of boulders tumbling down towards the sniper. With great dexterity, he jumped and weaved between most of the stones, but a lapse in attention caused the last one to hit him squarely in the chest, knocking him off the wall and sending him tumbling towards a painful splat.

Not one to give up, Usopp pulled out his slingshot and aimed at the wall.

“BAMBOO JAVELIN!”

A quartet of seeds penetrated the wall, instantly sprouting into a ladder of four bamboo shoots. Swiveling himself towards the mountain, Usopp barely grabbed hold of the lowest shoot before he plummeted.

stop music

And yet, Usopp couldn’t catch his breath long enough before he had to jump to the next shoot, the lower one slipping and falling to the ground. Like a monkey, he shimmied up until he could grab the rock face once again, preserving his life for a little longer.

“I wonder if he heard that…”

Unfortunately for the sniper, Sokka had, in fact, heard his battle cry, and finally spotted him at the very left edge of his peripheral vision.

“Oh, that guy is SO going down!” 

start music

As Sokka reached the path Usopp began climbing, he steeled himself and placed his hand on the rock.

Five minutes later, when Sokka’s hand had recovered, he placed it slightly to the right, and was pleasantly surprised to feel no pain.

“Alright, NOW he’s going down. Just, had to get my bearings.”

Resolve steeling his grip, Sokka began climbing.

Far above him, Usopp’s knuckles were beginning to bleed from the strain, and his grip started to loosen. He almost resigned himself to falling to his death, until he saw a tiny alcove, just big enough to hold his body.

“Finally, a break!” Usopp muttered, thanking Eneru as he scuttled up the cliff and dragged himself into the dingy outlook. The space was tight, but he managed to swivel himself around and look out.

Then he looked down and noticed an all-too-familiar presence rushing up the cliff after him.

Breathing heavily, Usopp pulled out his Black Kabuto and loaded another round of shots.

“GREEN STAR-IMPACT WOLF!”

As Usopp fired, his shell twisted and reshaped itself in midair, eventually taking the visage of a hungry wolf, claws outstretched and fangs ready to tear into flesh.

“GAHHHH!” Sokka roared, mustering up his remaining strength and jumping to the side to narrowly avoid the wolf’s hungry embrace.

“So, you avoided that one. But you won’t dodge this!” Usopp countered, preparing yet another volley.

“TRIPLE WOLF STAR!”

From the slingshot came three wolves, covering all areas of escape. And this time, Sokka knew he couldn’t dodge it.

At least, not without some help.

“OK, boomerang…” Sokka pleaded, tying a string to the corner, “don’t let me down!” 

 

With tremendous force, he threw his faithful weapon as high as he could, praying to Yue that it struck a stable point, and was immensely relieved when he felt it dig into the rock.

“I hope this WOORRRRKKSS!” Sokka pleaded, using the boomerang as leverage to run along the cliff, and then jumping!

The momentum carried him to the left, no longer touching the cliff, as he grazed the wolves’ claws by mere millimeters.

Usopp silently cursed, his attention off Sokka just long enough to miss the most crucial step in his plan. With all the momentum gained from the horizontal motion, Sokka swung back to the other side like a pendulum, building up more speed. Again and again he swung, getting higher each time, until finally he swung so high he was able to grab onto the edge of the mountain’s peak.

“Dammit!” Usopp cursed, as he grabbed the rock once again and began climbing. 

“At least I’m almost up.”

“Famous last words.”

Usopp looked up to see Sokka, his foot right next to a small pebble.

“Oh no.”

“Oh, yes.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t what? Oh, you mean…this?”

With a kick, Sokka dislodged the rock and sent it tumbling down the cliff, springing every mine and trap along the way, until a massive avalanche was created.

“I hate you.”

The rocks instantly knocked Usopp off the wall, and this time the ground was coming up way too fast for him to consider using more bamboo.

“Only one shot…”

Usopp nocked another slingshot round, aimed at the ground, and prayed.

“TRAMPOLIA!”

Another seed shot into the ground, this time forming a bouncing plant. Usopp struck it with such tremendous force, that the recoil sent him skyrocketing, flying way past the mountaintop and up into the cloud barrier, and almost breached the exosphere before he began plummeting.

“WHOHOHOAHAHHHHH! JUST ONE CHANCE!”

Usopp pulled out a massive hammer and stretched out as far as he can. The rock was so close…

“GOLDEN POUND!”

Usopp struck the rock, and it dug into the stone as Usopp dangled over the edge. Before it could come loose, Usopp swung around the handle until he reached the top of his arc, jumped up, and cleared the ledge, dragging the hammer with him.

“Hah…hah…nice try…but you’re going to have to finish me…face to face.” Usopp panted.

“Fine with me.” Sokka countered, pulling out his sword.

The two stared each other down, fear no longer clouding their judgement. One way or another, the fight would be settled.

Suddenly, Sokka thrust his sword into the ground.

“Hu-“

Without warning, he then pulled it out, the rock dust flying into Usopp’s eyes and leaving him sightless.

“Heh, that’s a good trick.” Usopp complimented.

“I learned from the best.”

Without his eyes, Usopp extended the range of his other senses. And within his mind, he conjured a mental picture of the battle.

“‘Okay, this is good. Just gotta focus and-WOAH!'”

Usopp only just managed to dodge Sokka’s sword swipe, but it left a nasty gash on his shoulder that oozed blood.

“‘Alright, wasn’t ready that time. NOW, focus.'”

Relying on only his sixth sense, the sniper dodged and weaved through Sokka’s swipes, occasionally sneaking in a punch or two whenever the swordsman’s guard was open.

“‘He’s not leaving many openings. He didn’t lie about his training, at least…'”

Then he noticed that Sokka was pulling out more of his bombs, and taking the tops off.

“‘Not this time.'”

“INSTANT DEATH-GUNPOWDER STAR!”

A blast of volatile gunpowder coated Sokka’s body, sending him staggering backwards in shock. Unfortunately, the sudden movement caused some of the powder to fall into some of Sokka’s bombs.

“Oh…crud.”

KABOOOM!

The explosion blasted Sokka into the air, allowing Usopp to ready his hammer. As Sokka flew back down, Usopp winded up and-

“USOPP POUND!”

-SMASHED Sokka’s face.

Or at least, he was trying to do so. Because of the weapon’s deceptively light weight, Sokka only moved about two feet.

“Eh…hehehe…no hard feelings?”

He was swiftly answered by a kick to the stomach.

“Yeah…didn’t think so.” 

Usopp tried to kick out, but Sokka backflipped away and pulled out his boomerang once again.

“Take this!” he yelled, tossing his boomerang at the sniper, who had to duck to avoid it.

“Oh, so you wanna play that game?”

“USOPP BOOMERANG!”

As Usopp threw his own bladed instrument, Sokka countered, resulting in a boomerang clash filling the air with a distinctive clang sound. But while Sokka’s returned to him, Usopp’s just collapsed to the ground.

“What’s that about?”

“Oh, uh…it doesn’t come back.”

“THEN WHY IS IT CALLED A BOOMERANG!?”

“Because…it sounded cooler?”

Aggravated, Sokka launched his boomerang at Usopp once again, but this time the sniper was prepared, pulling out his “massive” hammer and swinging it like a bat, knocking the boomerang away so that the water tribesman could no longer use it.

“Uh oh.” Sokka whispered, gulping.

Confidence in his glare, Usopp pulled out another round for his slingshot, and aimed true.

“INSTANT DEATH-ATLAS SUISEI!”

Four pellets shot from the slingshot, morphing together just as the Impact Wolf had to form a mighty Atlas beetle, its horns ramming into Sokka’s torso and almost skewering him completely.

“OOOooooooohhh…” Sokka groaned in pain, clutching his chest as he stared in horror at Usopp preparing another pellet for firing.

“Please, please spare me, I beg you, universe.”

As if on command, from behind Usopp came Sokka’s trusty boomerang, hitting the sniper’s head from behind and causing him to fire his next shot out into the ocean by mistake.

“That works. Thank you, boomerang!” Sokka cheered, as he ran over and delivered a flying punch to Usopp’s bruised head, before following up by sweeping Usopp off his feet with his club, gaining the high ground as he pressed the blade to Usopp’s throat.

stop music

“Looks like we’re back to where we started, huh?” Sokka deadpanned.

“Looks that way, on the surface. But, ah…I think it’s about time for a third act twist!” Usopp retorted defiantly, pulling out his Smoke Star pellet and dropping it on the ground.

As the ball exploded into an all-too-familiar mist torrent, Sokka tried to strike downward with a powerful chop, only to hit nothing. The smoke dissipated instantly, revealing from the shadows a man with a billowing cape and a somewhat gaudy mask.

“Behold, the King of Snipers, Sogeking!“

His introduction was succeeded by the sound of an angel’s choir, emitting from another Tone Dial.

(if rooting for Sogeking)

(If rooting for Sokka)

“Uh-huh. So, tell me, Mr. Sniper King…where did the other guy go?”

“Oh, ah…I spirited him away for his own protection!”

“Mmhmm, sure, yeah, I understa-SNEAK ATTACK!“

Sokka tried to kick at Usopp’s head, only to be stopped with ease as his arm was grabbed.

“Sneak attacks are generally more effective when you don‘t tell your opponent about them.”

“Yeah, that’s what Aang said. Silly me. But, what if, by chance, I have an ulterior motive?”

Sokka immediately spat in Sogeking’s face.

“What the heck were you planning to do with tha-OOOOWWWW!“

Sogeking held his…areas, as they swelled and roared with unimaginable pain after Sokka’s kick, allowing the warrior to slip away and make it to the very edge.

“You’re…gonna…pay for that….oooowwwww…” Sogeking squeaked, his voice rising a few octaves.

“You’re gonna have to catch me first.” Sokka countered, before hopping off the cliff.

“Oh yeah!? Well…” Usopp began, edging towards the edge of the cliff, “get a load of the Sogeking Parachute Star!“

Triumphantly, Sogeking jumped off and pulled a rip-cord, summoning a little parachute. Emphasis on the “little” part.

“Oh, boy…guess it’s time to start screaming.”

…

“YEAAAAAGGGGHHH!” Sogeking screamed as he began falling to his doom for the third time that day.

But the situation turned into an unexpected boon, for Sogeking could still see Sokka falling as well. And with that, the sniper king’s final, most brilliant idea was spawned.

Pulling two more rounds from his bag, he put one in the holster and aimed at the ground. 

“HISSATSU-BOSHI! RAFFLESIA STAR!”

The pellet sank into the ground, and once again formed into a flower. However, this one had dull red petals with white dots, and was not exactly the most pleasant of floral growths.

With the first step completed, Sogeking nocked what he hoped would be the decisive shot to end the battle. Breathing deeply and focusing his senses, he uttered the phrase that would bring forth calamity.

“SUPER BIRDLIME BALL!”

This ultimate pellet spawned a thick blanket of goo, falling at high speed towards the Water tribesman. Unaware of the danger, Sokka only briefly turned to see the overwhelming substance about to smother him. He didn’t even have time to scream before he was struck, falling even faster until he dove face-first into the rafflesia plant with a resounding THUD, as Sogeking landed next to him.

“And thus ends another exciting journey for the hero of Sniper Island!”

“Uoorroooahhh…oh, my head…”

Sokka groggily opened his eyes and tried to move his head, only to find that he couldn’t move.

“Wha-” he mumbled, trying to wiggle his fingers, only to feel no haptic feedback. His arms and legs didn’t move either. He was completely stuck.

“What IS this stuff, anyway?”

“Bird guano.”

“…Ewwwwwww…”

“That’s nothing compared to what you’re sitting on.”

“Huh? Wait, why are you putting on nose plu-Oh, god, that’s foul!” 

Sokka wanted his nose to shrivel up and fall off so he would never have to smell anything quite so repulsive again, but the best he could do was close his mouth.

“So, do you give up?” Sogeking asked in a nasally voice.

“Never!” Sokka roared, as he strained and struggled until his face turned dark blue, until at last he ran out of stamina and settled down.

“Okay, yeah, I give up.”

“Good. Then I might be able to help both of us get out of here.”

“Why?”

“Because…it would be a waste for someone as talented and determined as you to go out in a place like this.”

Sokka was silent. Then, after what seemed like a lifetime, he smiled.

“So, what do you have in mind?”

Sogeking was about to answer, until he heard the faint sound of undergrowth being squashed by heavy boots.

“Do you trust me?”

“…Yeah.”

“Good.”

“HISSATSU-BAKASUI BOSHI!”

stop music

A massive smoke cloud filled the air, surpassing the height of the nearby trees. And as the Marines came charging in, they saw Sogeking standing over the unmoving body of Sokka.

“It’s…it’s you! The Sniper King!”

“Yes…it is I.”

“Is…is he…” the Marine inquired, pointing to Sokka’s body.

“Yes.”

“Kill him!” the Marine soldier yelled, as the other Marines pointed their guns at the sniper.

He reached into his bag, only to see he was running extremely low on shells. But he did have two left.

With nothing left to lose, he pulled both out, nocked them, and fired in the span of a millisecond, releasing not only a cloud of smoke, but also a storm of spiked quills that dug into the Marines’ skin, causing them immense pain as they struggled to pull them out.

With the distraction, Sogeking grabbed the clean part of the rafflesia and bolted into the woods. It was slow going due to the flower’s weight, but there were no obstacles to get in his way on the path to the beach.

As the sniper broke through the treeline and at last made it to clear skies, he still couldn’t see any signs of friend or foe. Working quickly, he tossed the flower into the water with the still-sleeping Sokka aboard, and pulled out his last ace in the hole: A Breath Dial.

“If there were any time for my luck to run out, please don’t let it be now!” Sogeking begged, as he slapped the dial on the glue-coated part of the flower, and set it to activate.

“There he is, get him!” the Marines yelled as they broke through, firing their guns in unison. The bullets all closed in on the sniper, who had no other choice but to bend backwards to avoid the shots. While he did survive, his clothes got stuck on the glue, so now his mobility had taken a hit.

“Come on, come on…” Usopp pleaded, as the Marines prepared to fire again.

KASWOOSH!!

The Breath Dial finally activated and launched the flower at lightspeed, leaving the island behind in a flash as the second round of bullets whizzed by uselessly.

The soldiers lowered their weapons and stared at each other with looks of intense discomfort.

“The vice-admiral isn’t going to like this…”

: Aw, that’s kinda wholesome.

: Yeah. Now we should draw them teaming up to destroy the cornerstones of society and bring about a new tyrannical oligarchy.

: You are so vindictive.

: I know, it’s a bad habit. Regardless, Sogeking won this one, so we should talk about it.

: Oh, come on, how long are we going to-

: Since Sogeking is the absolute champion of snipers in the One Piece world, it makes a lot of sense that he should scale to Usopp, especially since Usopp has occasionally fallen back on Sogeking to solve problems he could not.

: Unfortunately, because of pesky statements by Oda, it’s sort of difficult to really scale Usopp to other Post-Timeskip characters. Which honestly is kinda dumb considering he’s a character who actually focuses on combat unlike Nami, but whatever.

: However, we can scale Usopp to feats in the Pre-Timeskip era at least, considering he should be relatively superior right now to most of the Straw Hats during that time. Starting with strength, Usopp in Punk Hazard was capable of one-shotting Buffalo with a single slingshot attack. Buffalo is on par with Dressrosa Colosseum fighters like Sai, Ideo, and importantly, Elizabello II, whose non-fully charged King Punch can reach 5.83639 Megatons of TNT. This easily puts Usopp in the Small City+ tier of power, but he could arguably be pushed even higher.

Going back to the pre-timeskip era, there are actually a decent chunk of feats that could get even higher.

• Dorry and Brogy killing an island devouring monster, with Base Luffy trading blows with Dorry.
• Crocodile stopping rain from falling on Alabasta for several years (calced at Large Island Level)
• Shiki lifting entire islands into the sky and holding them up with his power.
• Luffy almost cutting an island-sized turtle in half in the Karakuri Castle movie.

Now, granted, Usopp almost certainly doesn’t scale to Shiki seeing as Luffy needed Gear Third to win, but most of the other feats are early enough in the series that Usopp can scale to them, just via the training he did during the timeskip.

: Speed is sort of hard to determine, but Usopp should almost certainly be capable of lightning timing, seeing as he should be far above Enies Lobby Nami, who can keep up with Kalifa, who can dodge lightning. However, there are also some potential Relativistic+ to FTL feats Usopp can scale to, such as Long Ring Long Land Luffy being able to dodge the light-based Noro Noro Beam, or scaling to characters that can dodge Kuma’s Pad Cannon which is said to fire attacks at the speed of light. That said, these might be somewhat dubious to scale Usopp to, so at least Massively Hypersonic+ seems fine.

: As for Sokka, well…this isn’t going to be pretty.

Okay, to be completely fair, Sokka can also scale to lightning-timers due to frequently keeping up with benders in speed. Some might claim that lightningbending isn’t real lightning since it doesn’t come from a cloud to ground source, but considering lightningbenders can actually absorb lightning from clouds, and in fact use said lightning as a training tool, the lightning shot from benders should likely be fairly comparable. That, and we’re trying to give Sokka the best chance possible here, so let’s do it. 

: With that said, even the highest calcs of lightning dodging for Avatar only cap at a little below Mach 600, about half the speed of Usopp without taking into consideration that Usopp upscales from the feat in question. And, well…this is the closest stat between them.

: Going over to AP, Sokka is fairly comparable to other non-benders like Ty Lee, as his head was able to hurt her arm when she punched it. Ty Lee is about equal to Suki, who kicked over a human-sized rock statue, and Sokka with his space sword could outright cut one of these statues in half, which puts him at about Wall Level. It could also be argued he scales to benders to some degree, who have feats in the Multi-City Block range such as bringing down a portion of the Ba Sing Se Wall or holding up Wan-Shi-Tong’s library, but generally Sokka is almost always fodderized when he seriously attempts to fight strong benders like these, and whether a bender’s physical durability is on par with their max bending output is sort of hard to determine. Still, for the benefit of the doubt, assuming Sokka does scale to high-tier benders physically, he would still be at minimum 5,800 times weaker than even Usopp’s lowest feasible scaling.

: With a stat disparity that large, Sokka really isn’t going to do any sort of lasting damage to Sogeking, since Usopp can also scale physically due to frequently tanking big hits. And looking at the tertiary characteristics is not favorable to Sokka either.

: Speaking on stamina, Sogeking absolutely annihilates Sokka. Sogeking is comparable to Usopp, who was able to survive having his skull broken by Mr. 4 and still managed to win, on top of frequently engaging in large army battles on Fishman Island and Dressrosa without taking a break. And while Sokka has fought for extended periods of time in the Day of Black Sun invasion, his feats of stamina definitely don’t compare to what Usopp is capable of.

: Intelligence, skill, and strategy, however, is pretty even. Both characters have good showings of defeating characters physically far superior to them, and Sokka might even have his own advantage due to being successfully able to plan an invasion of the Fire Nation, as well as stop Ozai’s warships from burning down the Earth Kingdom. Regardless, the winner isn’t really determined just from these.

: Sogeking obviously exceeds Sokka in versatility, simply due to the number of different slingshot rounds he’s packing. He can create a boat, a trampoline, carnivorous plant traps, exploding skull grass bombs, sleeping gas, gunpowder, fire, and much more, while Sokka is primarily limited to his sword, boomerang, bombs, club, and other miscellaneous melee weapons, which offer far less options for Sokka to counteract if he gets put in a tight spot (which he definitely would be in against an opponent like this).

: In terms of who has the advantage at which range, it’s sort of split down the middle, with Sogeking dominating long range and Sokka dominating close range. Due to Sokka’s training from the Kyoshi Warriors and Piandao, Sokka is extremely accomplished at close range swordfighting, even being able to keep up with Piandao for a long while in spite of his lack of experience. And compared to Sogeking’s hammer, Sokka’s weapon is far more deadly. However, when it gets to long range, the tables shift dramatically. Sokka has very few things that give him any sort of range game, limited to only his boomerang and a small cache of bombs. Sogeking, meanwhile, not only has his own boomerang, but a series of slingshot rounds that can travel kilometers of distance, allowing him to easily snipe Sokka from anywhere in the arena. And given Sogeking’s speed advantage, running away and attacking from a distance is a lot more likely than Sokka getting the fight into close-quarters long enough to get any meaningful hits in.

: Look, we could go on and talk about some other aspects, but I think it’s pretty clear that Sogeking just takes pretty much all the advantages here. With greater strength, speed, durability, versatility, stamina, and range game, the sniper god definitely proved himself superior.

: Sokka just kan’t catch a break.

: The winner is Sogeking!

Winner (Sogeking):

+Physically stronger.

+Much faster.

+Far more versatile.

+Greater experience fighting large-scale wars.

+MASSIVE edge in stamina.

+Dominated at long range.

=Intelligence and strategy

-Inferior at close range.

Loser (Sokka):

+Is the one true master of the boomerang.

+Far better close-range fighter.

=Intelligence and strategy.

-Everything else.

Epilogue…

Out in the open ocean, the two warriors drifted, still stuck to the giant rafflesia with no idea where they were.

“So…you got any more brilliant ideas?” Sokka grumbled.

“Hey, maybe showing me some gratitude for saving your life would be nice!”

“As far as I’m concerned, we’re even.”

Sogeking just turned his back in annoyance, staring out into the sea.

“But…thanks.”

The two were silent as they drifted for another few minutes. 

Then, as Sogeking stared into the sky, he saw a tiny shadow silhouetted against the clouds.

“Huh…wonder what that is.”

Sogeking shifted his sniper goggles over his eyes to see-

“A giant flying buffalo?”

“Wait, what?! Lemme see!”

Complying, Sogeking put the goggles over the water tribe swordsman’s eyes, only for him to giggle with glee.

“It’s Appa!”

“You know him?”

“Yeah, he belongs to my friend Aang! Quick, scream and get his attention!”

The sniper shrugged, before turning around.

“ALIDOLIDIIDIDIDIDLDLDOOOOOO!”

“AAAAAAAANNNNGGGGGG!”

The two continued to scream over and over until their voices grew hoarse and scratchy, but they didn’t seem to be heard.

But Sogeking did have one final idea. Taking his last round from his bag, he aimed at the sky and fired.

His Fire Bird Star reached the clouds and exploded outward in the shape of a phoenix, lighting up the world with its radiance and finally catching Aang’s attention.

stop music

“Hey, there’s something in the water! Appa, yip yip!”

The sky bison roared as he descended towards the water, the flower coming more into focus.

“Aang, Aang, I think that’s Sokka!”

“Sokka?”

The two teens aboard the Sky Bison cheered and started crying, yelling Sokka’s name.

“Looks like they know you.” Sogeking whispered.

“Hey, hey guys! Oh, you have no idea how good it is to see yo-!”

Sokka was interrupted by a jet of water slapping him across the face, leaving a bruise.

“Ow! Katara, what’s your problem!?”

“My problem? Let’s talk about you and YOUR problems! You’ve been missing for an entire day, and no note! The village has been worried sick about you!”

“I didn’t exactly have much choice, considering I was kidnapped!”

“Kidnapped?” 

Katara finally took notice of Sogeking on the flower.

“Was it by this guy!?” Katara screeched, her water jet threatening to cut off the sniper’s head.

“Whoawhoawhoa, easy!” Sogeking pleaded, as he took of his mask to reveal himself as Usopp (gasp!).

“I was a victim too!”

Katara still looked unconvinced, but did dissipate the water blade.

“Wow, Sokka, you ah…you really stink.” Aang deadpanned, holding his nose.

“Yeah, I noticed. So how about working your Avatar magic and getting me out?”

“I would, but you were the one who was against me learning gluebending. Well…maybe I could burn the glue off?”

“And me with it? Noooo thank you!”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Wait, wait, I think I have something to get rid of the glue back on my ship.” Usopp interjected.

“YOUR ship?” Katara accused.

“Yes, my pirate ship. For I am Captain Usopp, of the Usopp Pirates! And if you return me there safely, I promise you will be rewarded handsomely.” Usopp grandstanded, delivering a wink along with it.

“Mmhmm…alright then, CAPTAIN Usopp, YOU’RE going to point the way. And if you try to trick us, your crew is going to need a new captain.” Katara demanded, her voice icy cold as she dragged the flower onto Appa’s saddle.

“Eh heh…right, of course…uh, my ship has a lion’s head on the front, so just fly around until you see it.”

“You mean you don’t even know where it is?” Aang groaned.

“I didn’t really get to send my location to them before I got captured.”

“Huh…well, I guess there is one idea.” Aang offered, pulling out a bead string with four talismans attached.

“I made this to communicate with my past lives. Maybe one of them can tell us how to find the ship.” Aang noted, as he sat down and began to meditate.

“Oh, come on, there’s no way that can actually wo-what the hell is that!?“

A bearded old man suddenly emerged from Aang’s body, draped in red garb and cloaked in an ethereal blue light.

“G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!“ Usopp shrieked, trying to hit Roku with his slingshot.

“Hey, hey, what are you doing, stop! Roku’s a friend!” Katara insisted, trying to pull Usopp away.

“Forget it! I dealt with ghosts before, they’re never a good sign!” 

As the two struggled for supremacy, Aang turned back to Roku, who had taken on a more natural shade.

“Aang, it is good to see you again. How can I be of assistance?”

“Roku, I need to find a certain ship so I can help my friend.”

“Well…it is rather unusual, but I will see if can honor this request. What does this ship look like?”

“It has a lion’s head on the front.”

“Hmm. You mean, like that ship down there?”

“Huh?”

The quartet looked down to see a tiny ship coming at them from below.

“Whattya know?” Usopp chimed in.

“Ah, thanks again, Roku.” Aang added, waving to Roku. The ancient Avatar spirit waved back as he disappeared back into the medallion, and Aang took Appa’s reins to fly down.

Meanwhile, on the Sunny, the Straw Hats noticed the massive sky bison flying towards them, and on the saddle they saw-

“USOPP!!!!”

A hand reached out several meters and grabbed hold of the saddle, allowing Luffy to slingshot his way on top.

He had tears streaming all over his face and snot coming out of his nose, but his smile was the widest Usopp had seen in a long time.

“It’s good to see you too, Luffy-san!” 

Unfortunately, Luffy chose to hug Usopp, and found himself stuck.

“Shishishishi, sorry!”

“Oh, great, now all three of us need to get unstuck!” Sokka groaned, as everyone on board the ship started laughing heartily.

As the three incapacitated fighters were carried into Chopper’s medical bay, Aang and Katara hesitantly slid off Appa’s back and onto the ship deck.

“Wow, REAL pirates. Kinda crazy.” Aang noted.

“At least they seem nice.” Katara added.

“Ahem.”

The two turned to see Sanji striding towards them.

“M’lady?”

“Yes?”

“Would you care for a meal?”

“Oh, well…yeah, that would be great!”

Sanji nodded.

“‘Oh, viva-lady!'”

Aang walked around, examining the ship bow to stern.

“You know, this ship almost looks like something the Mechanist would make. If he was here, I bet he’d love it!”

“Ohhhh…do you think I could meet him sometime?” Franky asked, clapping his hand on Aang’s back.

“Ah, sure. It’s kind of a long trip to the Northern Air Temple though.”

“Well, if you gave me some directions I could…”

The two walked off, continuing to discuss.

“You know, they seem nice.” Robin commented, taking a break from her book.

“Yeah…maybe we should ask if they have treasure!” Nami suggested, her eyes turning into berry symbols, only for her to get smacked across the head by Zoro.

“Right, sorry.”

About a couple hours later, Chopper had finally dislodged the trio from the flower, and had tossed it into the ocean.

“Hey, thanks, little…reindeer man?”

“Aw, hehe, shut up! I don’t need your praise…” Chopper replied bashfully, wiggling back and forth with silent joy.

“Guess that’s it, huh.” Sokka noted, as he turned to face Usopp.

“You know, even though we kinda tried to…well, kill each other…I’m glad this happened.” 

Sokka held out his hand, no hesitation in his moves.

“Heh, me too.” Usopp replied, shaking it with confidence.

With that, the duo went outside, seeing Aang and Katara already on board Appa with a good supply of food.

“Hey Sokka, can you believe they actually had lychee nuts?” Aang called out.

“Well, at least this trip wasn’t a waste of time then.” 

Sokka climbed on and leaned back on the saddle, taking a breather.

“Let’s try and meet up again sometime in the future, alright?” Sokka offered. “After all, I’ll be training for our rematch, ‘King of Snipers’.”

“Count on it.” 

With everything said and done, Team Avatar rose along with Appa, and flew off into the dawn’s early light.

Usopp, too focused on waving them off, only now noticed that he was holding something in his hands. When he took a closer look, he saw it was a small game piece with a white flower on it.

“A white lotus…” Robin breathed.

“Something tells me this goes a lot deeper than I thought.” Usopp muttered, as he stared off into the aether.

“What could you be hiding…?”

---

: What indeed…

: Probably nothing, and it’s just a throwaway scene you put in to attempt at making some kind of farce of coherent consistent worldbuilding.

: You’re not wrong, it just kinda hurts.

: You’re literally representing yourself with an edgy black hedgehog, you deserve this.

: And that’s why starting now I made this new avatar. From an edgy black hedgehog…

: To an edgy clusterfuck anime boi I made with some rpg maker website!

: I fail to see the improvement here.

: There isn’t. But at least now it’s original crap.

: Wait, are you replacing me too! This job is all I have until Bowser’s Fury comes out!

: Not now. But…you never know. I would need to figure out how to make non-cringe OCs, which requires skills gained from ancient Deviantart masters. Until then, sayonara everyone.

Heart of the Underdog: Smackdown Warm-Up!

: In a world where many are born with great power, it can be easy to forget those resting on the lower ends of the totem pole.

: And yet, underestimating the physically weaker members of a team can be the worst mistake one makes. Their tenacity, strategy, and courage makes them just as titanic in their own way, and allows them to time and time again make great changes in the world.

: Such as Usopp, the champion sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates.

: And Sokka, the strategist and swordmaster of Team Avatar.

: For this bout, Usopp will be composited between his anime and manga counterparts, including the One Piece films, while Sokka will have elements of both the Avatar: The Last Airbender TV show and comics. Not the movie though.

: Maybe I should be more consistent with these rulings, feels like they change a lot. Mmm…anyway, time to see who would win a SMACKDOWN!!

---

: On a quiet island in the East Blue, a small village stood. Its inhabitants were generally rather happy and contented…until he came along.

: A man, screaming about pirates invading the shores and killing innocents and stealing valuables. A man, ironically, birthed to one of the most prolific pirates of the modern age. A man instantly recognizable by his elongated nose.

: A man called Usopp.

: Ever since he was a kid, Usopp longed to become a great man like his father, Yasopp. But no matter what he did, he only really excelled in two areas: lying, and sniping. And for a long time, he couldn’t really use that second one. So, he put the first to work. Every so often, he would visit Kaya, the owner of the biggest mansion and fortune in the village, and regale her with tales of his “daring” exploits. Eventually, he would be kicked out, only to try again tomorrow and lift her spirits and chase away her sickness.

: But one day, a small dinghy washed up on shore, holding three pirates who would change Usopp’s life forever. With their help, he was able to thwart a plan by the diabolical Captain Kuro, saving the village, and joining them on the path to becoming the greatest pirate crew in the world.

: Journeying across the ocean, Usopp battled giants, criminal organizations, gods, the government itself, fishmen, samurai, and much more. He honed his sniping and warrior skills until he became a force to be reckoned with, even now joining with his captain to take down the Yonko and bring about great change.

: In battle, Usopp specializes in sniping. With his Black Kabuto slingshot, Usopp can fire attacks from kilometers away, and still hit his target due to his incredible precision and limited Observation Haki. 

: And if you think Usopp just fires lame pellets because he uses a slingshot, you couldn’t be any more wrong. Usopp’s bullets are deadly, consisting of exploding skull grass bombs, shurikens, flammable oil, maelstroms of burning blaze, and even weaponized plant life. Suffice it to say, you never really know what you’re going to get when Usopp fires at you, and 9 out of 10 times it ain’t good.

: Powerful rounds is a necessity, given Usopp’s relative weakness in comparison to his crewmates. But where he lacks in power and speed, he shines in durability and intellect. He’s taken hits powerful enough to shatter his skull and leave massive wounds all over his body, and still gets up to keep fighting. Usopp will not stop until he dies, let’s put it like that.

: Usopp’s planning skills are nothing to sneeze at either. He’s used his trickery to defeat fishmen designed to be stronger than him, as well as deal severe damage to his physically stronger captain Luffy by exploiting his weaknesses. He even defeated the ghost summoner Perona by using only his tactics, which is a massive achievement considering how she brought Luffy to his knees.

: And yet, despite all of Usopp’s great achievements, he still has flaws. For one, he is a coward. While he will work up the courage to overcome his fears if the situation calls for it, his strategy frequently consists of running away initially. Which means opponents with far more composure might be able to take advantage.

: Usopp also kinda struggles in short range. While he does have a weak hammer, that’s really the extent of it. As such, powerful enough fighters who can bridge the distance between them and Usopp can end him quickly.

: Finally, not all of Usopp’s arsenal is supremely useful in a fight. His Haki is still incredibly underdeveloped, and some of his arsenal is better for environmental traversal rather than damaging opponents.

: Despite these hindrances, Usopp has shown his mettle against the toughest of foes, and emerged victorious nearly every time. There are not many who could fight the god of snipers and live to tell the story.

Usopp bio from yellowflash1234 on Deviantart

USOPP

Also Known As: Captain Usopp, Liar, Sogeking, God Usopp
Species: Human
Age: 19
Height: 5’9½”
Epithet: King of Snipers, God
Occupation: Pirate, Sniper
Affiliations: Straw Hat Pirates, Formerly Usopp Pirates
Bounty: 200,000,000
Theme:

FEATS
Aided Zoro in defeating Jango of the Black Cat Pirates
Defeated Chew, a Fishman, in battle
Invented Nami’s Clima-Tact, and its upgraded forms
With Chopper, defeated Mr. 4
Beat the crap out of Luffy during their fight
-Still ended up losing
Burned down the World Government flag at Enies Lobby
Sniped Marines from a distance so far, that their shots couldn’t reach him
Stopped Robin’s escort crew by sniping them
Motivated Luffy to defeat Lucci
Was the only Straw Hat capable of resisting Perona’s powers and beating her
Destroyed the Flying Fish Riders’ base with the Thousand Sunny’s cannon
Trained under Heracles in the use of Pop Green for two years
Easily restrained the fake Straw Hats
Used Pop Green to stop an avalanche from destroying the Thousand Sunny
Defeated Daruma
Bisected Trebol
Gained a large following of dwarves
Defeated Sugar by awakening his latent Haki abilities

PHYSICALITY
Strength
-Absorbed the force of Luffy’s Gomu Gomu no Bazooka with one arm
-Could lift and carry around an unconscious Zoro

Speed and Reflexes
-Outran a Fishman
-Outran a Pacifista while carrying Zoro
-Dodged baseballs fired from a gun
-Kept up with Luffy during their fight
-Tagged Caesar Clown with Kairoseki handcuffs
-Grabbed a frozen Robin before Aokiji could smash her and ran away
Durability and Endurance
-Took multiple blows from a Fishman, who are ten times stronger than humans
-Survived a hit from a 4-ton metal bat to the skull
-Survived an exploding baseball to the face
-Tanked blows that could break rock
-Survived being slammed into a stone wall
-Had the force of a Gomu Gomu no Bazooka reflected on his arm without it breaking
-Took a Gomu Gomu no Pistol to the face and kept fighting
*In the beginning of the series, Luffy knocked out a sea monster with a single Gomu Gomu no Pistol
-Survived a Gomu Gomu no Bullet to the stomach
-Took a powerful gas explosion with only minor bruises
-Took a beating from Franky

SKILLS

Skilled Sniper
-The best marksman of the Straw Hats
-Hit Spandam and some Marines from over a mile away, with the wind blowing against him
-Tagged Caesar Clown with a pair of fired Kairoseki handcuffs
-Sniped Sugar from so far away that he couldn’t see her, when she was inside a building, with one window as the only opening he had
Skilled Inventor
-Makes most of his gadgets
-Built Nami’s Clima-Tact
Good Strategist
-Nearly beat Luffy using strategy and knowledge of his strengths and weaknesses
Skilled Gardener
-Grows and cultivates his own Pop Green for use as weapons

HAKI

A power contained in all living beings
-Not all people can awaken it
Three types of Haki
-Usopp can only use one
Kenbunshoku Haki
-Lets the user sense the presence of others
-Predicts enemy attacks
-Lacks control over it

EQUIPMENT
Kuro Kabuto
-Usopp’s third slingshot
-More portable version of his original Kabuto slingshot
-Grow Up, Kuro Kabuto
*A special form that Kuro Kabuto takes on when it touches water
*Makes it grow and turns the sling into a carnivorous plant creature
*Can consume large amounts of rubble and fire it as a projectile
-Super Grow Up, Kuro Kabuto
*Makes Kuro Kabuto even larger
*Used to increase Usopp’s sniping range
Sniper Goggles
-Remove the glare of the sun while Usopp is sniping
Hammer
-Usopp’s work hammer
-Not a very powerful weapon
-Can be useful if used to beat an opponent when they can’t see Usopp
5-Ton Hammer
-Really just two frying pans and a metal sheet on a stick
-Potent psychological weapon
-Mr. 3 went down after one hit from it just out of fear
10-Ton Hammer
-A large balloon on a stick
-Used for intimidation
Tone Dial
-A Dial that can store sounds and play them back
Breath Dial
-Stores air or gas
-Usopp uses it to store flammable gas, which he can ignite for later
-When combined with a Flame Star, caused an explosion larger than the Going Merry
Impact Dial
-Absorbs the power of a blow and releases it back at the attacker
-The recoil from the released energy is the same level of power as the original blow
Flash Dial
-Releases a blinding flash of light
Caltrops
Grapple Belt
-Special belt that fires a grappling hook
-Didn’t put in a way to disconnect the hook

Octopakutsu
-Shoes with suction cups on the bottoms
-Used to scale vertical walls
-Shaped like octopi

Spring Shoes
-Shoes with springs on the bottom
-Used to jump higher

Flame Ball
-Balls that burst into flames when they touch the ground
Kairoseki Handcuffs
-Used to immobilize opponents with Devil Fruit abilities

Small Blackboard
-Used to make his opponent flinch by scraping his nails across it

TECHNIQUES

Lead Star
-Small lead balls
-Usopp’s basic slingshot ammunition

Exploding Star
-An explosive pellet filled with gunpowder

Egg Star
-A rotten egg
-Used to blind and distract opponents

Smoke Star
-A smokescreen used to blind opponents

Flame Star
-A pellet containing flammable substances
-Often used after covering the foe with something flammable to maximize damage

Fresh Egg Star
-Fires a fresh egg instead of a rotten one
-Can be used to distract animals

Tabasco Star
-Fires a pellet containing Tabasco sauce into the foe’s eyes or mouth

Red Serpent Star
-A pellet that erupts into a red smoke pillar
-Used to alert people to his location

Shuriken Shooting Star
-Fires a chain of shuriken
-When fired, the shuriken separate to cover a wider area

Blasting Cactus Star
-A pellet that explodes, releasing a barrage of spikes

Fire Bird Star
-A Fire Star that takes the shape of a large flaming bird
-Releases a ring of fire when it hits something

Sunflower Star
-Shoots five Exploding Stars at once

Super Smoke Star
-A Smoke Star that covers a much larger area

Six-Chamber Pit Viper Star
-Shoots six Exploding Stars in succession

Salt Star
-Fires a pellet full of salt
-Can be used to blind foes by shooting it in their eyes

Butterfly Meteor
-A high-speed Exploding Star with a smoke trail following it

Mantis Meteor
-Fires an Exploding Star in a high upward arc

Atlas Comet
-Shoots four Exploding Stars that converge together on the opponent

Sticky Star
-Fires a pellet that contains a sticky substance, which covers the opponent when the pellet hits them

Roach Star
-Fires a bowling ball-sized container that contains plastic cockroaches
-Used for psychological attacks by freaking out the target

Special Oil Star
-Shoots three pellets containing oil to slip up the target

Secret Technique Long Range: Bagworm
-A special technique that can increase the range and mobility of Usopp’s shot
-Fires a bagworm-like projectile that contains three Exploding Stars
*The Exploding Stars propel the shot further and can change its direction in mid-flight

Sleep Star
-Expels a powerful sleeping gas for sedating targets

Usopp’s Rubber Band of Doom
-Usopp stretches a rubber band at the foe and releases it like a slingshot
-Used in the middle of a long string of attacks
-The greatest attack of all time

Ketchup Star
-Usopp splatters himself with a small ketchup bomb, making it look like he’s covered in blood
-Used to fool opponents into thinking he’s dead, so he can flee, or retreat to come up with a new plan
Usopp Spell
-Usopp shouts something wince-inducing to unnerve anyone in the surrounding area
-Doesn’t work often

POP GREEN

Seeds of hostile plants that grow in the Boin Archipelago
Can grow from seeds to full-sized plants in seconds
Usopp uses them as ammo after the timeskip
-Grows and cultivates them himself

Green Star: Devil
-Creates a large Venus Flytrap that eats the target
-Can trip people up with its vines

Green Star: Sargasso
-Explodes into an array of seaweed
-Strong enough to hold back an avalanche

Green Star: Rafflesia
-Creates a giant Rafflesia flower that emits a foul-smelling odor
-Incapacitates enemies with its stench

Green Star: Bamboo Javelin
-Grows into several bamboo shoots that impale whoever they grow under

Green Star: Skull Exploding Grass
-Explodes into a skull-shaped explosion when it hits something

Green Star: Humandrake
-Buries into the ground and grows when something steps on it
-When something steps on it, grows into several living roots that jump out and attack the target

Green Star: Trampolia
-Grows into a large flower that launches whoever gets close to it into the air

Green Star: Impact Wolf
-Grows into a wolf-shaped plant with a bulb on its nose
-The nose bulb can unleash a shockwave that is three meters in diameter

Green Star: Boaty Banana
-Grows into a banana-shaped boat

Green Star: Fan Grass
-Grows into a fan-shaped mass of grass
-Used for propulsion

Green Star: Platanus Shuriken
-Sprouts into star-shaped plants that slice whatever they hit

WEAKNESSES

Pretty cowardly and pessimistic
-Quick to run away
-Has started overcoming this since the timeskip
Not as physically strong as most of the other Straw Hats
-Relies on gadgets, tactics, and Pop Green in battle
Not very good at close-range
-Better at sniping than physical combat
Lacks control over Kenbunshoku Haki
Impact Dial’s recoil is just as strong as the attack it absorbed
-If Usopp isn’t strong enough to handle the attack, his arm will break

(Usopp: There… Comes a time when a man has to stand and FIGHT!! This is the time when his friends’ dreams are laughed at. Luffy won’t die… I KNOW he’ll be the pirate king one day. I WON’T LET YOU LAUGH AT THAT!!)

Name: Sokka

Alias: Captain Boomerang

Birthplace: Southern Water Tribe

: 100 years ago, the Fire Lord Sozin used the power of a mighty comet to wipe out the air nomads, beginning a massive war that the Fire Nation dominated.

: During the war, firebenders frequently came to the Southern Water Tribe, snatching away its benders one by one, until seemingly all of them had been lost. That is, except for one. And when the firebenders came back to take their final prize, they were met with an army of Water Tribe soldiers, and the son of the chief. His name? Sokka.

: From an early age, Sokka longed to be a warrior. He begged his father to take him to battle when he was leaving the village, and accepted the task to defend his home wholeheartedly. He trained for years, protecting his family and friends, until he found the Avatar in an iceberg. The rest, you know.

Origins:

From the moment Sokka was born, his life was thrust into an almost constant state of terror. The Fire Nation’s influence gripped the world, and every so often they would conduct raids on them to steal people for their own cause. One such raid by the Southern Raiders even cost the boy his mother, forcing his father to join the war effort and leave Sokka in charge of guarding the village. He did so diligently for years, until one day he went on a fishing trip with his sister Katara and accidentally unearthed a mysterious boy in an iceberg. The boy turned out to be the legendary Avatar, thought to be lost for a century. Unfortunately, his presence attracted a fire nation vessel to his home belonging to the Crown Prince Zuko, and Sokka was badly trounced as Aang sacrificed himself. But after resolving himself, Sokka and Katara saved Aang, and vowed to help him on his journey to master the four elements. And so, they went on a world-spanning journey, learning waterbending, earthbending, and firebending, as Sokka learned from several masters himself. And ultimately, it was his brilliant thinking and strategems that helped defeat some of the most potent Fire Nation tactics, like the drill at Ba Sing Se, or Ozai’s airship fleet, earning Sokka a permanent place in the annals of history.

: In battle, Sokka is a formidable opponent. While he may lack the fantastical bending abilities of his teammates, he makes up for it in his ability to dominate other fighters in close-range combat, as well as form strategies on the fly. to win the day. Such as the time he used his knowledge of the Northern Air Temple to create an explosion that drove off a Fire Nation invasion.

: While he doesn’t carry too many weapons into battle traditionally, he does make great use of his melee arsenal and his trusty boomerang to open his enemies up for either himself or his allies to finish off. And his victories are certainly impressive. Taking out the assassin Combustion Man, fighting evenly with the expert chi blocker Ty Lee, and even fighting Azula, a firebending prodigy, alongside Zuko. He is the heart and soul of Team Avatar, and a member without whom none of their accomplishments could have happened.

: While his skills and intellect are quite strong, he does possess notable downsides. His power and durability are somewhat average for his universe, he has flown into a blind rage against opponents who can psychologically outmaneuver him, and his arsenal doesn’t do exceptionally well against opponents from extreme distances away.

: But even then, he has worked around most of these issues in the past, and become a truly well-rounded hero, honored even to this day for his prodigious skill. The weak boy from the South Pole was no more.

Accomplishments:

-Helped take down the Fire Nation’s drill

-Helped escort two tribes across the Great Divide.

-Received combat training from the Kyoshi Warriors and briefly knocked down Suki, one of their finest.

-Evacuated a town before it could be wiped out by Jet, and was the only one of his friends to suspect him.

-Stopped the Fire Nation raid on the Northern Air Temple.

-Dated the moon.

-Planned a nearly successful invasion of the Fire Nation on the Day of Black Sun.

-Gained the respect of Master Piandao, the greatest swordsman in the world.

-Raided the Boiling Rock Prison and performed the first ever prisoner retrieval from the facility.

-Destroyed Ozai’s fleet of airships.

Feats:

Strength:

-Freed his leg from a block of ice with his club.

-Staggered Combustion Man with his boomerang.

-Knocked out Wan Shi Tong, a giant owl spirit, with a single kick.

-Cut a cactus in half.

-Cut a stone statue in half with his space sword.

-His head making contact with Ty Lee’s fist caused her pain. Ty Lee can trade blows with Suki, a peak human warrior.

-Helped fight Azula alongside Zuko.

-Cut a metal platform in half with his space sword.

Speed:

-Able to keep up with benders in combat, who can react to lightning.

Durability:

-Was relatively unhurt from being launched into a tree by Toph.

-Fell from hundreds of feet in the air and only had a broken leg.

-Got knocked down by Katara’s waterbending and was unhurt.

Equipment:

Space Sword:

-A sword forged from a meteorite, making it exceptionally sharp.

-Expertly used in close combat.

Boomerang:

-An ordinary boomerang Sokka has had since he was a youth.

-Can be tossed at enemies in order to disorient them before it returns.

Jaw Blade:

-A hunting dagger lined with teeth.

-Sokka can use it as a standard knife or to feel vibrations.

Machete:

-A blade Sokka uses to cut through undergrowth.

Saber Tooth Spear:

-A hunting spear.

-Very fragile.

Club:

-A standard Water Tribe blade.

-Not particularly useful for cutting, but very good for delivering blunt impacts.

Bombs:

-A set of bombs Hakoda used in the Day of Black Sun invasion.

-Are relatively small, but deliver a powerful explosion when combined.

Pipe:

-A detective’s instrument Sokka used when investigating the murder of Chin the Great.

-Can be thrown as a projectile.

Monocle:

-Can redirect light from the sun to create a small blaze.

Weaknesses:

-Is ultimately a regular human with no above-average physical characteristics or special abilities.

-Is somewhat lacking in terms of long-range combat options.

-Can occasionally lose his temper, resulting in him making rash, poor decisions.

“Water Tribe…”

Furious Five Battle Royale-Smackdown Warm-Up!

: The Furious Five. Five Kung Fu masters who have dedicated their lives, their blood, and their bodies to the art of fighting, and the protection of the Valley of Peace.

: They have dutifully served the valley for years, and have worked themselves to the precipice of perfection, the apex of their physical limits. 

: But…what would happen, if each of them desired to prove their superiority over the rest?

: Master Tigress, the de facto leader of the group.

: Master Monkey, the trickster.

: Master Viper, poised and elegant.

: Master Crane, the king of the skies.

: And Master Mantis, the ultimate proof size isn’t everything.

: These five warriors are all incredibly powerful as a team, but who is truly the strongest?

: Time to find out…in a SMACKDOOWWWWNNN!

Master Tigress

: When she was a cub, Master Tigress had it…rough, to say the least. She was dumped at an orphanage and treated like a monster, without any hope of escaping her horrible life. That is…until a certain kung fu master came around.

: His name was Shifu, and he saw the potential in the tiger cub that no one else did. And so, he played dominos with her, teaching her the value of control and discipline, until she had finally learned to keep her impulses in check. And so, seeing she could be trained further, he took her back with him to the Jade Palace, where she began to learn the art of kung fu herself.

: Years later, a powerful warrior named Boar was rampaging towards the Valley of Peace. Tigress, still chafing under the harsh instruction of Shifu, was sent to find four warriors to fight Boar when Shifu fell ill. However, she accidentally misplaced Shifu’s list of names and picked up the list dropped by a certain panda, causing her to find four others: Viper, Crane, Mantis, and Monkey. And although Shifu doubted their abilities, together the team was able to defeat Boar after Tigress learned to follow her own style, and the team became known as the Furious Five, with Tigress assuming the position of leader.

: As the leader, Tigress is absolutely an accomplished martial artist, specializing in the tiger style of Kung Fu. This style prioritizes rapid, strong strikes in a head-on fashion, brutally overpowering opponents. To accomplish this, Tigress has trained her hands to feel no pain by punching iron wood trees by the Jade Palace, allowing her to deal out heavy damage while taking less in return.

: Tigress’s strength is also pretty damn notable. With a single punch, she pulverized a massive boulder into little pieces! And keep in mind, this was a younger, far less experienced Tigress doing this.

: Tigress is also notable for being the only member of the Furious Five to leave any kind of impact on Kai. Sure, she was stomped immediately after, but she did manage to at least stagger him. That’s gotta count for something. She could also fight on par with a casual Po in Kung Fu Panda 3, but it should be noted that a serious Po can easily mop the floor with her.

: Moving on, Tigress is also an extremely competent weapons master, effortlessly wielding the Tri-Bo-Yao mace staff and knocking out Junjie’s leopard kung fu squad with it. However, most of the time Tigress tends to go in unarmed, and does rather well. It helps that she’s quite flexible, being able to do a perfect split in midair to break two stone blocks, as well as stretch her leg into the air in an obtuse angle.

: Tigress is overall a very powerful fighter, but she is by no means infallible. Her focus on power over precision can lead more precise foes, like Mistress Mugan, to get several hits on her before she can counter. She also can be prone to anger at points, interfering with her fighting capabilities, though this seems to have largely faded by Kung Fu Panda 3. And lastly, Tigress is very much a close ranged fighter, with absolutely no range techniques to speak of. Yet in spite of that, Tigress has proven her mettle time and time again, and will continue to stand tall going forward.

Strength:

-Could hold her own against a casual Tai Lung for a fairly long time.

-Threw a stone hammer across the Training Hall courtyard.

-Could bench a stick with two iron balls attached to the ends.

-Lifted and threw the giant crocodile Lidong into the air and kicked him off of the Jade Palace. Crocodiles at their maximum weigh 2,200 pounds.

-With one hand, could hold up a group of 3-6 normal sized crocodiles, as well as a massive stone statue.

-Comparable to Shifu, who grappled with Kai, who could casually push around massive boulders with his chain swords.

-Along with the rest of the Furious Five, could hurt and restrain a weakened Ke-Pa, who previously destroyed the Jade Palace.

-Balanced five filled melon-sized bowls filled with water on her arms, legs, and head.

-Fought with Master Kweng the Unstoppable, who could fight a semi-casual Po.

-In the games, her claws can slice through shields.

Speed:

-Caught a flaming arrow without looking.

-Caught an arrow from Master Porcupine.

-Can likely move faster than real life tigers when on all fours, which move at 40 mph.

Durability:

-Feels no pain in her hands.

-Survived a portion of a blast from Shen’s cannon.

-Survived being crushed by Ke-Pa’s telekinesis along with the rest of the Furious Five.

Powers and Abilities:

-Levitation Kung Fu: Allows Tigress to fly, although she is only seen using it once.

-Chi Manipulation: Although only used briefly, Tigress sent her chi into the Spirit World to help Po.

-Non-Physical Interaction: Could harm the Hopping Ghosts, which are intangible, with her physical attacks.

-Mental Focus: Tigress is easily the most focused of the Furious Five, which allowed her to use Master Ding’s spirit orbs to invade Po’s mind.

-Tiger Claw: Tigress slashes forward with her claws, dealing heavy damage to shields.

Weaknesses:

-Attacking Tigress’s armpit will leave her in a vulnerable state.

Master Monkey

: When Monkey was a child, he was a bit of a prankster, getting his jollies from messing with the people in his town. However, his brother Wukong was more content with doing crimes, and as such he was sent to jail, shaming Monkey’s family.

: Not wanting to have his rep dragged down, he left to parts far off, where he continued his pranking ways and being a general nuisance to the town. He easily bested all the warriors sent to run him out of town, until one day Oogway himself appeared. All of Monkey’s tricks were useless, and he found himself about to be crushed by a pillar, until Oogway saved him. From that moment on, Monkey was indebted to the master, and eventually he found himself training in monkey style kung fu at the Jade Palace. This ultimately resulted in a clash with his brother, ending with the death of his mother and a promise to protect his family, as well as the Valley of Peace, from further splintering.

: As a master of Monkey style Kung Fu, Monkey focuses a lot more on being quick and agile than Tigress. Monkey is a generally good all-around fighter, being above average in strength and speed but not necessarily being the best in said categories. However, he makes up for it with his sheer unpredictability, always pulling out underhanded tactics and even resorting to tripping up opponents with banana peels, which gives him a major edge in many fights.

: Like Tigress, Monkey generally goes into battle unarmed, but on occasion he has used a sword and a bo staff to extend his attack range a bit, along with some banana peels. Using these tools, he has done some rather impressive feats, such as defeating his brother Wukong, defeating the pig brothers Tsao, Lao, and Bao, and fighting off the Hopping Ghosts.

: Despite his gifts, however, Monkey’s traps can occasionally backfire on him as seen in his fight with Oogway, and he does have a tendency to be cocky, which can result in foes getting the jump on him.

: Regardless, Monkey is still a powerful and capable fighter, and truly bad. As in, badtacularly good!

Strength:

-Could hold his own against a casual Tai Lung for a fairly long time.

Speed:

-Can run up walls briefly.

-Ducked under a set of flaming arrows.

-Can likely move faster than real life monkeys when on all fours, which move at 50 mph.

Durability:

-Had a boulder dropped on him and was fine.

-Po sat on him several times with no damage dealt. Po weighs 290 pounds.

Powers and Abilities:

-Levitation Kung Fu: Allows Monkey to fly, although he is only seen using it once.

-Chi Manipulation: Although only used briefly, Monkey was taught the technique of chi control by Po at the end of KFP3.

-Non-Physical Interaction: Could harm the Hopping Ghosts, which are intangible, with her physical attacks.

-Mental Attack Resistance: Could overcome Scorpion’s mind control through the power of friendship, seemingly.

-Leaping Monkey: Monkey leaps towards a nearby enemies and then jumps off them to gain more height.

Weaknesses:

-Grabbing Monkey’s tail will leave him off-balance.

-Can slip on his own banana peels.

Master Crane

: When Crane was a young bird, his mother constantly babied him out of fear he would get hurt. The final straw was when Crane got beat up at a kung fu class, forcing Crane to promise he would never do kung fu again, for fear of giving her heart palpitations.

: But, still wanting to experience it, he became a janitor at the Li Da Kung Fu Academy, watching the students and especially his idol Mei Ling partake in kung fu. He wanted to join himself, but he was seen as a weakling, lowering his confidence. However, when Mei Ling encouraged him, Crane trained every night, and finally passed the entrance exam for the academy. One thing led to another, and Crane became a member of the Furious Five.

: As a master of Crane style, Crane generally tends to stick to the air when he fights, attacking from above so as to disorient the opponent. As a result, he is definitely one of the more nimble members of the Furious Five, but lacks somewhat in striking power. This isn’t to say he isn’t strong, however, as he was able to carry the rest of the Furious Five all the way from the mountains to the Jade Palace after being exhausted in a fight with Tai Lung, showing both his strength and stamina. 

: Crane’s speed, however, is arguably his greatest attribute. He was once able to fly from the Northern Mountains all the way to the Valley of Peace in just a few seconds while diving, and he was even able to outpace Po in KFP3 by doing the same technique. As in, the same Po who dodged lightning attacks from Bian-Zao and Pang Bing. So, pretty fast.

: Crane generally chooses to fight with just his wings and talons, but he has also wielded a bo staff on some occasions. That by no means is a hindrance, considering some of the feats Crane has accomplished. Most notably, he singlehandedly defeated the Lin Kuei, a clan of wolves capable of besting the rest of the Furious Five, Po, and Shifu in the same episode. Even more impressively, he is the only member of the Furious Five to go one-on-one with Fenghuang and win. Fenghuang, for reference, is the most powerful member of the original Furious Five, who casually overpowered the current Furious Five in a later episode, and was so powerful she could even contend with Oogway for quite a while. Granted, this is somewhat inconsistent with other showings of Fenghuang effortlessly defeating the Five by herself, but she didn’t use the Impossible Moves on Crane, which might explain it. 

: Despite this, Crane does suffer from some notable downsides. He does have quite a few allergy and sinus issues, which might cause him to mess up in battle at a random, inopportune time, and he does have some lingering confidence issues. 

: Still, Crane is one of the most respected kung fu masters for a reason. Get on his bad side, and you will almost certainly regret it.

Strength:

-Could hold his own against a casual Tai Lung for a fairly long time.

-Carried the combined weight of the rest of the Furious Five into the air.

-Knocked Fenghuang into a wall hard enough to incapacitate her.

-Somewhat fazed Kai by throwing a barrel at him.

Speed:

-Flew from the Northern Mountains to the Valley of Peace in seconds.

-Can likely fly faster than a normal crane, which can go 100 kph at max speed.

Durability:

-Tanked a portion of Shen’s cannon blast.

-Got smacked in the face by a Lin Kuei Chain Hammer with little damage.

Powers and Abilities:

-Natural Flight

-Chi Manipulation: Although only used briefly, Crane was taught the technique of chi control by Po at the end of KFP3.

-Non-Physical Interaction: Could touch Ke-Pa’s shadow demons, which are normally intangible.

-Spinning Feather Blossom: Crane flies upward, damaging anything in his way.

-Wings of Justice: Crane launches a blast of wind to knock foes off balance.

Weaknesses:

-Performing a leg sweep on him leaves Crane off-balance.

Master Mantis

: Not much is known about Mantis’ origins, outside of him growing up in a small town fawning over another mantis named Hao Ming, before eventually finding himself growing up and being captured by crocodile bandits. It is here where Mantis gained the ability to be patient, adding onto his already excellent kung fu abilities, ultimately resulting in his recruitment to the Furious Five.

: Despite Mantis’ small size, he is absolutely not to be underestimated, for he hides a strength and speed level comparable to the rest of the Five. In fact, his strength might be the most notable aspect of him, shown by him being able to hold up an entire rope bridge with Tai Lung and the Furious Five on it, as well as shake it. Not only that, but he can easily lift the 290 pound Po into the air and toss him around.

: As a master of Mantis style, Mantis focuses primarily on dealing a series of lightning fast strikes in specific locations in order to bring down larger enemies while darting out of harm’s way to avoid being squished. As such, most opponents can be defeated without even knowing who it is they’re fighting, or even how to hit Mantis due to his small size.

: Much like Crane, Mantis does occasionally wield a bo staff, but for the most part he prefers to fight unarmed. However, he is also. a skilled acupuncture user, trained in pressure points in the same way Tai Lung was. While he doesn’t have Tai Lung’s power, Mantis is still capable of using pressure points for a variety of options, such as silencing an opponent, stopping their heart, tweaking their facial. nerves, or even inducing paralysis in them, although he rarely uses these options in combat.

: Mantis’s feats are also quite impressive. Like Tigress, he was able to defeat Lidong, with Tigress even admitting Lidong was a formidable opponent. Mantis also has defeated another mantis, Dosu, in combat with relative ease, and overpowered a gang of croc bandits singlehanded. He also…tried, to fight Kai. It didn’t work. 

: Mantis does still have some setbacks, though. While his Mantis style generally allows him to avoid getting hit, there are opponents who can simply shrug off Mantis’ strikes if they’re resilient enough, at which point Mantis generally struggles to deal lasting damage. The only reason he could defeat Lidong was due to going inside his body and attacking his organs and stomach lining. Mantis also can be incapacitated somewhat easily by stepping on him.

: Overall, though, Mantis is a warrior unlike any other, and his feats of power and speed are not to be trifled with.

Strength:

-Could hold his own against a casual Tai Lung for a fairly long time.

-Held up the combined weight of a rope bridge, the Furious Five, and Tai Lung.

-Knocked out a giant Lidong by attacking his insides.

-Can lift Po into the air and toss him around.

-Sliced two metal swords into pieces.

Speed:

-Appears as a blur when he fights enemies.

-Can leap five feet into the air in a second.

Durability:

-Tanked a portion of Shen’s cannon blast.

-Can get squished by Lidong and other Furious Five members without sustaining much damage.

Powers and Abilities:

-Acupuncture: Used by sticking his claw barbs into the opponent at precise points.

-Chi Manipulation: Although only used briefly, Mantis was taught the technique of chi control by Po at the end of KFP3.

-Levitation Kung Fu: Allows Monkey to fly, although he is only seen using it once.

-Size Manipulation: Although he no longer possesses it, Mantis once used a Gong Tau potion to increase his size to building tier heights.

-Natural Weaponry: With his claws.

Weaknesses:

-Has a blind spot on his right side.

-Small size can be a hindrance when moving around.

-Gong Tau potion decreases Mantis’ fighting skill.

Master Viper

: Viper was born to the family of the illustrious kung fu master Great Viper, who defended the land with his Poison Fang technique. However, the great master was getting on in years, and desired a successor who would carry on his venomous legacy. Imagine his disappointment when he saw his newborn daughter had no fangs, and therefore no venom.

: So, the great master had to continue defending the land on his own. That is, until one day, when a gorilla showed up and began rampaging. The great master tried to bite him, but the gorilla was clad in poison-proof armor, shattering his fangs. With her father in danger, Viper found true courage and stood up to the gorilla, beating him down with her ribbon dancing skills and proving herself a true kung fu master, eventually finding herself as part of the Furious Five.

: As you can probably guess by this point, Viper specializes in the Viper style of Kung Fu, focused on constricting enemies and striking with precise, elegant movements, performing actions like tripping up foes or even making them punch themselves.

: Viper generally wields no weapons, but on some occasions she has shown the ability to use a ribbon for combat, and used shurikens when preparing for the Winter Feast.

: In terms of Viper’s feats, outside of her general fighting capabilities alongside the rest of her team, she was instrumental in bringing down the Ladies of the Shade criminal organization, and defeated the serpent Fu-Xi, who was able to fight on par with a casual Po.

: Viper does possess some shortcomings though. For starters, unlike most serpents, she does not seem to use her venom that much, if at all. There’s also the fact that Viper is relatively weak against frontal attacks, and she generally seems to be more of a jack-of-all-trades fighter.

: These small instances aside, Viper has proven herself a cunning and capable fighter many times over, and should not be underestimated for fear of invoking the wrath of her kind’s dragon ancestry.

Strength:

-Could hold her own against a casual Tai Lung for a fairly long time.

-Could pull back against Po’s momentum in a rickshaw.

-Knocked a wolf guard into a set of drums with her tail.

–Defeated the serpent Fu-Xi.

-Ripped an aqueduct support beam from its moorings.

Speed:

-Can likely move as fast as a real viper, which strikes at 200 mph when biting.

Durability:

-Tanked a portion of Shen’s cannon blast.

-Survived being choked by Tai Lung.

Powers and Abilities:

-Chi Manipulation: Although only used briefly, Viper was taught the technique of chi control by Po at the end of KFP3.

-Natural Weaponry: With her fangs.

-Possible Venom Manipulation: Although she didn’t use it on Po, it is implied she has the ability to impart it onto someone.

-Paralyzing Shoulder Pinch: Allows Viper to briefly knock out an opponent by pinching their shoulder.

-Levitation Kung Fu: Allows Viper to fly, although she is only seen using it once.

-Viper Crush: Allows Viper to squeeze foes out of their armor.

Weaknesses:

-Weak against frontal attacks.

-Fangs can be broken when biting on metal.

Kung Fu Panda! When five kung fu masters enter the ring of battle, only one can emerge victorious! Who will it be? The high flying Crane, the queen of claws Tigress, the venomous Viper, the mighty Mantis, or the meddlesome Monkey? Find out soon!

Goku Black vs Black Shadow: Smackdown Warm-Up!

 

: Quick question: What is evil?

: Farting in public?

: Telemarketers?

: My dad’s shell acne?

: Nope, nope, and gross. No, true evil in its purest form is…actually, no, I’m not gonna say it, that’s just going too far.

: Pfft, never stopped you before.

: Well, I’m…trying to be a nicer person, okay?

: Understandable, it is rather difficult to treat this issue with sensitivity given the nature of the combatants, who are truly vile with or without their given names.

: Goku Black, the body-snatching deity of darkness.

: And Black Shadow, the evil emperor of Dark Million.

: For many years, these twin despicable despots have plotted the downfall of the universe in order to create a perfect new one. But now, their ideals will be tested and tempered against the blackened steel of each other’s twisted hearts.

: We’re the trio of JJ, Clank, and BJ, here to find out who would win…a SMACKDOWN!

Name: Black Shadow

Age: Unknown

Occupations: Ruler of Dark Million, F-Zero Racer

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: So, we have this game series about a guy with a bird motif racing with futuristic hovercars. How do we make a 51-episode anime out of this?

: Well, making the plot about stopping the recreation of the universe seems like the right way to go.

: Yeah okay, so apparently these F-Zero machines now have these things called “Reactor Mights” in them, which can do things like screw with people’s minds, create portals to other dimensions, and destroy the universe, all tied together with a prophecy about the “Legendary Hero” Ryu Suzaku waking up after 150 years of cryo-sleep…are we sure this is the same series?

: Of course, no hero is truly complete without an intimidating villain to oppose them. And none are quite as malevolent or fear-inducing as the ruler of Dark Million himself, Black Shadow.

: Yeah, uh, this guy? He doesn’t screw around. You try to fuck with him, your ass is either getting airlocked into space or just knocked on the floor by him looking at you funny. And most notably, he just does not want to die. He’s been in the middle of fiery explosions, fire dragons, and even being Falcon PUNCHED, and he lived through all that. It took an explosion that spanned an entire GALAXY to finish him off for good, and even then Falcon had to die too. Simply put, Black Shadow is one tough son of a bitch.

: But of course, the true reason for Black Shadow’s might is in fact the Black Bull, his F-Zero machine. Despite looking like a “normal” car on the surface, it’s actually a machine with power capable of ending the universe if it so chooses. All due to the power of the Reactor Mights under its hood.

: For you see, the Reactor Mights are a set of six all powerful engines which can provide a bevy of fantastical powers. Most of them are mainly demonstrated by Zoda, but considering Black Shadow knows a lot more about the powers of Reactor Mights, it’s possible he may be able to perform them too. Stuff like creating shields, mind manipulation, seeing through walls, stuff like that.

: Most notably, however, when the Reactor Mights are combined together, they have the potential to shrink the universe by reversing its expansion. And when all six come together, they can reset the universe in its entirety, creating an entirely new one in the form their master wishes. In the case of old Horn Head, he wanted to make a universe of pure evil. So…goals!

: And he’s really smart too! Successfully double and triple crossing both Zoda and Haruka, managing to stay under the radar for years, building his own evil base in the Dark Star…no wonder he was so hard to beat!

: However, Black Shadow is not infallible, in spite of the image he puts forth. Likely his biggest weakness is his general overconfidence. He believes himself to be an all-powerful being with the Reactor Mights’ energy, which has led him to lower his guard on several occasions. It’s these instances, in fact, that led to his eventual demise by allowing Ryu to destroy the Dark Matter Reactor.

: There is also the fact that Black Shadow’s power nullification is dependent on Reactor Mights, which make them rather useless in most scenarios. But regardless of these small issues with his character, Black Shadow is still a mighty force in the universe. His title as the Evil Emperor of Dark Million truly speaks volumes.

Summary:

No one truly knows where Black Shadow came from, and those who tried to defy him have usually never survived to tell his story. All that is known is that he rules the Dark Million crime organization with an iron fist, and that he desires evil to rule the universe. To this end, he constructed the Dark Matter Reactor to recreate the universe into one ruled by evil, and recruited or created entities like Zoda, Blood Falcon, and a brainwashed Haruka to help him. His plans nearly succeeded, but they were overturned at the last minute by Ryu Suzaku and Captain Falcon, ending in Black Shadow’s demise.

Statistics:

Attack Potency:

-Destroyed a small mountain by snapping his fingers.

-Overpowered a Reactor Might that destroyed his space station.

–Reactor Mights have also been stated as being capable of blowing up planets.

-Far superior to Ryu Suzaku, who can kick down steel doors and defeat gangs of thugs singlehandedly.

-Superior to Samurai Goroh, who cut through a train with his sword.

-Superior to Hyper Zoda, even though Zoda had absorbed the power of a semi-nurtured Reactor Might and at least 10 Blood Falcons, who were equal to a mid-series Captain Falcon. Even in his weaker state, Zoda with the Reactor Might stated he could reduce the entirety of Mute City to rubble.

-Superior to Blood Falcon, who was able to crack the windshield of the Dragon Bird, which survived clashes with Captain Falcon’s Blue Falcon and possesses a Reactor Might.

-Due to having 2 Reactor Mights in his Black Bull, it is superior to the Blue Falcon, which equalled the power of the Dark Matter Reactor that was shrinking the universe, and is comparable to the Dragon Bird EX, which completely overpowered the reactor and destroyed it.

-Black Bull easily knocked the Dragon Bird aside when they collided.

Speed:

-Comparable to Captain Falcon, who moved at FTE speeds to blitz three robots.

-F-Zero machines can outrun avalanches, which travel at 255 km/hr

-Superior to Ryu Suzaku, who dodged a close-range bullet from Pico and reacted to a falling meteor.

-F-Zero machines can reach speeds of over 4000 km/hr.

-Black Bull is superior to the Dragon Bird, which outraced an explosion in Don Genie’s palace.

-Black Bull is comparable to the Falcon Flier and Galaxy Runner, which can cross several star systems in an instant.

Durability:

-Survived the Falcon Punch from Captain Falcon, only dying because of the explosion of the Dark Matter Reactor.

-Survived Hyper Zoda’s fire attack unscathed.

-Black Bull has taken several hits from the Blue Falcon with little damage done.

Powers, Abilities, and Equipment:

-Fog Manipulation, Explosion Manipulation, and Teleportation: Black Shadow can shroud things in fog to teleport them from place to place. Can also make explosions in the fog, or create explosions hundreds of meters away by snapping his fingers.

-Hologram Creation: Can make holograms to project messages to others far away.

-Shadow Manipulation/Illusion Creation: Black Shadow can use his shadows to create illusory disguises.

-Fusionism: Fused a Reactor Might into Zoda’s stomach, along with the Blood Hawk later.

-Battlefield Removal: The Black Bull can use its Boost Fire technique to create a portal to the Dark Space, a nigh-inescapable dimension of pure evil.

-Life Creation: Black Shadow can create clones of whoever he targets with his powers, like when he made a clone of Captain Falcon named Blood Falcon, along with his own F-Zero Machine, the Blood Hawk. Black Shadow has access to an army of Blood Falcons as well, which Black Shadow attributes as the Reactor Might’s power.

-Binding Chains: An unnamed ability Black Shadow uses in F-Zero GX to restrain Captain Falcon.

-Reactor Might Sensing/Power Nullification: Black Shadow can detect Reactor Mights from far away with his senses, as well as nullify the power of any of them, such as when he negated the power of Hyper Zoda’s Reactor Might.

-Technology Manipulation: Black Shadow can take control of any machine using a Reactor Might’s power.

-Memory Manipulation: With his devices, Black Shadow can erase a person’s memories, leaving them a blank slate for him to influence.

-Fire Manipulation: Black Shadow set one of his lackeys on fire for failing him. The Dragon Bird EX just hitting Don Genie’s F-Zero machine caused it to catch fire, and the Black Bull has the same amount of Reactor Mights.

-Resurrection/Transmutation: Black Shadow resurrected Blood Falcon after his death in a black hole, and can seemingly transmute him into other materials. Or at least, he can command Blood Falcon to do so.

-Time Travel: Black Shadow can send opponents through time, such as when he sent Zoda 150 years into the past.

-Black Hole creation: Black Bull colliding with other Reactor Might-fueled machines can create black holes that suck anyone too close into the Dark Space.

-Power Boosting: Can likely activate the dormant power of non-nurtured Reactor Mights with his own.

Dark Matter Reactor:

-Black Shadow’s ultimate device, allowing him to recreate the universe.

-With 1 to 5 Reactor Mights, it stops the expansion of the universe and reverses it, with the process becoming faster as more Reactor Mights are inserted.

-With all 6, a new Big Bang occurs and the universe is reset into one ruled by evil.

-Casually caused two planets to collide with each other.

-Absorbed Hyper Zoda into itself to gain power.

Black Bull:

-Black Shadow’s F-Zero machine.

-Black Shadow can summon the machine to him at any time.

-Has grapples to hook onto enemies.

-Can release four nodes to create a teleport window to the Dark Star, Black Shadow’s home base.

-Can likely fly upside down like other F-Zero machines using its Gravity Drive, which also allows it to survive in places with intense gravitational force like the Warp Gate.

-Can use Black Fire, the dark equivalent of Boost Fire.

Bomb:

-A bomb Black Shadow strapped to the Blue Falcon to attempt to destroy it.

-Will explode if the vehicle’s speed dips below 700 km/hr.

Carbonite Chamber:

-Used to freeze Haruka in carbonite.

Space Station:

-Black Shadow’s personal space station, for when he desires to travel interstellar distances.

Black Shadow’s Army:

-Robots: Standard henchmen, equipped with firearms. Easily destroyed.

-Armored carriers

-Missiles

-Robotic Black Shadow: Used as a decoy.

-Space Pods: Shoot electricity at targets.

Blood Falcon:

-A clone of Captain Falcon created by Black Shadow.

-The original Blood Falcon could fight on par with Captain Falcon, but had rather poor durability.

-Drives the Blood Hawk, which was equipped with a Reactor Might for a brief time, allowing it to use Blood Fire (An equivalent of Boost Fire), and fight evenly with the Blue Falcon and Dragon Bird using their Boost Fire techniques.

-When it was resurrected, Blood Falcon became a liquid human, capable of changing his shape into forms like a bullet, morphing his arms into metallic blades, regenerating from a puddle, and stretching his arms.

Weaknesses:

-Can be overconfident at points.

-Black Fire requires Black Shadow to turn off the safety mechanisms of his Black Bull, which could lead to a crash if not handled correctly.

-Some of his abilities only work on Reactor Mights, which are exclusive to his universe.

“I won’t let my dream die!”

 

Name: Goku Black.
Real Name: Zamasu.
Species: Saiyan now.
Previous Species: Kaioshin.
Height: 5’9″
Gender: Male.
First Appearance: “SOS From the Future! A New Enemy Appears”

: Son Goku. The mortals who has risen to the level of the gods. And perhaps, has even surpassed some of them. His limitless tenacity and desire to grow stronger has shaken the world many times over, and he has quickly risen to become one of the multiverse’s greatest fighters, and heroes.

: But what would happen, if Goku had instead been born a god? And what if he was not a harbinger of justice, but rather…a harbinger of absolute justice.

: Well, enter Goku…Black. Creative, I know.

: Once the Supreme Kai to-be of Universe 10, Zamasu was training to take over the position from his master Gowasu in order to protect the universe’s mortals. However, over time, Zamasu grew disillusioned with the idea, believing mortals were too flawed to save, and that they needed to be purged in order for the universe to become perfect. Ultimately, some chance meetings with the openly audacious Goku and some horrific monsters on planet Babari led Zamasu to enact his plan. So, while Gowasu wasn’t looking, Zamasu killed him, stole the Time Rings, and used the Super Dragon Balls to swap bodies with Son Goku, killing the former Saiyan and his family in the process.

: Afterwards came some time travel shenanigans where Goku Black traveled to a different part of time to find another Zamasu, where the two teamed up as Future Zamasu wished for immortality, making the two a formidable fighting pair.

: There’s more, as well. Afterwards, the two wiped out all the Supreme Kais, thus ridding the multiverse of all twelve Gods of Destruction. Why the angels didn’t come in and stop them I’m not sure, but, it’s not important I suppose. Either way, there was no more mortals, and the Zamasus were free to ravage the timeline of Future Trunks, once again turning it into a hellhole the same way the Androids had years prior.

: Obviously, GB has plenty of raw power to back up his threats. Even in his base form, he could trade blows with Super Saiyan 2 Goku after Goku had already absorbed God ki into his body, meaning Goku’s base form was as powerful at that point as he was in the Battle of Gods arc as a Super Saiyan God. And in that story arc, Goku’s clashes with Beerus were so powerful, they were destroying the entire universe, just as a side effect of their battle!

: And this is just Base Black. He can transform into Super Saiyan forms as well, due to having Goku’s body. And even more impressively, he can turn into a Super Saiyan Rose as well, essentially his equivalent of Goku’s Super Saiyan Blue transformation. Normally, Blue is achieved by channeling the power of SS God and then turning into a Super Saiyan from that. But since Black is already a god, his form is pink. And apparently more powerful than normal too, considering he absolutely thrashed Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta and Goku when they first fought.

: And you might be asking “How is this possible?” And the answer is…bullshit. 

: The Saiyan race is all blessed with a trait known as the zenkai. Essentially, when a Saiyan is beaten within an inch of his life, he grows far stronger. This is how Vegeta was capable of growing powerful enough to fight Frieza in his later forms during the Namek saga despite not actually being a Super Saiyan at the time. Goku Black, however, just gets these zenkais whenever he gets hurt, meaning he grows in power even faster than normal Saiyans. This also led to many…interesting powers.

: Yeah, like how he just…got a scythe out of nowhere. Because it looks cool. Or how he can just slice through space and create a bunch of clones or do your taxes with one hand because he’s just so gosh darn special. Man…Super was kind of a mess in that arc.

Oh, and, technically since Black is Zamasu he can fuse with Future Zamasu in order to form Merged Zamasu, but that won’t be included here. It’s purely Black and his sometimes non-canon abilities and maybe some immortality maybe idk the manga is weird.

: Moral of the story, Goku Black is pretty damn cool. He’s cunning, he’s merciless, he’s…British?, and he’s death given form. He’s Goku Black, and he’s out for blood.FEATS:

-Defeated Super Saiyan Blue Goku with little effort.
    -Further more, he defeated an enraged Goku who was overwhelming him at the time.
-Traded blows with Super Saiyan 2 Goku.
-Easily bested Super Saiyan 2 Trunks.
-Killed thousands of people.
-Managed to acquire the Super Dragon Balls and switch bodies with Goku.
-Found a loophole involving time travel.
-Managed to kill Goku after swapping bodies with him.
    -Though Goku was in a physically weaker body.

Strength:

-Easily blocked a punch from an enraged Goku.
-Overpowered Trunks several times.
-Kicked SSJB Vegeta hard enough to hurt him.
-Casually a planet buster.
-Fought against a stronger Goku than in the Battle of Gods arc, where Goku’s clash with Beerus was quickly destroying the universe.
-In the manga, took on a Weakened SSJB Vegeta in his Super Saiyan State.
-Using Saiyan Beyond God gives him enough power to rival the likes of Super Saiyan God.

Speed & Reflexes:

-Casually FTL via having Goku’s Body.

-Fought on par with Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Goku and Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta.

-Easily outpaced Super Saiyan 2 Trunks.

-Potentially comparable to a casual Beerus, who is 3/4 the speed of a casual Whis. Whis at his best could travel across the universe from Beerus’s planet to Earth in 10 seconds.

-Surprised Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta with his speed.

-Moved fast enough to surprise SSJ2 Goku before attacking him.

Durability:

-Tanked 2 separate beatdowns from SSB Vegeta.
-Got stabbed through the back by Trunks.
-Took the explosion of a collision between his and Trunk’s attacks without any signs of damage.
-Took a punch from an enraged SSJ2 Trunks with no effort.
-Easily endured a beating from an enraged SSGSS Goku.
-Traded blows with SSJ2 Goku while using Saiyan Beyond God.
-Tanked attacks from SSJ Rage Trunks.

Skills & Abilities:

Zenkai:
-A special trait that all Saiyans possess.
-Gives a massive power boost if a Saiyan survives a near death scenario.
-His Zenkai is a bit different, as all he has to do is take damage to get stronger.
-Knows how it works and often allows himself to take damage.
    -When push comes to shove, will hurt himself to power up.

Ki:
-A natural life force energy that Black can use in a multitude of different ways.
-Can use ki to access high-speed flight.
-Can fire energy blasts.
-Can sense another’s ki and even predict attacks.

Instant Transmission:
-A form of teleportation.
-Allows Black to disappear and reappear anywhere in an instant.
-Can likely combine the Black Kamehameha with this technique.

Godly ki:
-A form of ki that only gods are capable of using.
-Same as normal Ki, but on a more powerful level.
-Used to fuel Super Saiyan Rose.

God Split Cut:
-The signature move of Black.
-Covers his hand in a field of energy before chopping at the opponent.
-Has a more powerful version as Super Saiyan Rose.

Violent Fierce God Slicer:
-A more powerful version of God Split Cut.
-Forms a long blade of godly ki that can be used as a sort of sword.
-Used to stab Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta.

-Has a scythe variant that can rip apart space to summon clones.
-Clones disperse in 1 hit but can reappear in a moments notice.
    -Clones only go away for good if the original Black moves too far away from the rift he created.

Super Saiyan Rosé Azure Dragon Sword:
-More powerful version of the Violent Fierce God Slicer.
-Can extend and form more blades of Godly ki.
-Used to defeat Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Goku.

Black Kamehameha:
-Black’s version of Goku’s signature attack.
-Virtually the same as the Kamehameha.
-Can likely combine this with Instant Transmission.

Super Black Kamehameha:
-An even more powerful version of the Black Kamehameha.
-Is a pink color instead of purple.
-Extremely powerful.

Energy Shield:
-In the manga, Black is showed to using this to defend against Super Saiyan Vegeta’s ki blast attack.

Telekinesis:
-Like Shin and Future Zamasu, Black is able to utilize telekinesis to hold down his foes. Black used this against Super Saiyan Blue Vegeta but it didn’t work on him, and later against Future Trunks in the manga.

Invisible Eye Blast:
-The ability to shoot an invisible blast of ki out of his eyes. Used against Future Mai in the manga.

Meteor Blow:
-One of Black’s Super Skills in Xenoverse 2.

Break Strike:
-Black’s Evasive skill in Xenoverse 2.

Pure Heart:
-Despite his evil actions, Goku Black is immune to the effects of the Devilmite Beam (and Psidevilmite Beam) indicating that he has a pure heart and that his evil actions are a result of his misguided belief that mortals are evil beyond repair. One of Goku Black’s passive skills in Dragon Ball Fusions. It should be noted that Zamasu also possesses this skill.

Spirit Shot:
-In the manga, Black uses this in order to clear the dust that Future Trunks had created.

Immortality:
-In the manga, as a result of his faulty defusion from Future Zamasu, Goku Black retains Fused Zamasu’s immortality.

Supervillain Mode:
-In Xenoverse 2 as part of the Super Pack 4 DLC, Goku Black can take on Supervillain Mode by shaving off some of his life. He can even use the power up in his Super Saiyan Rosé form despite its Godly ki.

Rage Saucer:
-A darkness energy fueled rush technique used by Supervillain Mode Goku Black in Xenoverse 2 as part of the Super Pack 4 DLC.

Darkness Mixer:
-A ki and stamina charging technique that produces a dark aura that damages nearby enemies. Used by Supervillain Mode Goku Black in Xenoverse 2 as part of the Super Pack 4 DLC.

Forms & Transformations:

Super Saiyan:
-50x Multiplier from his Base Form.
-Resembles a combination of Majin Vegeta and SSJ2 Goku.
-Said to be able to rival the likes of Super Saiyan God.
-Fought with a Weakened Super Saiyan Blue in this form, and was doing really well.
-Unknown if it has an effect on his body.

Saiyan Beyond God
-Unknown Multiplier of Strength.
-Allowed Black to fight on par with Super Saiyan 2 Goku.
-Used by Goku and Vegeta to take on and overpower Frieza.
-No signs of strain to his body.

Super Saiyan Rose:
-Black’s version of the Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan/Super Saiyan Blue forms.
-Curbstomped Goku, Vegeta and Future Trunks upon their first encounter.
-Capable of utilizing godly ki.
-Vastly increases his stats to insane levels.
-Blocked a punch from an Enraged SSGSS Goku.
-Stabbed SSJB Vegeta.

Weaknesses:

-EXTREMELY Arrogant, and adding A Saiyans Personality on top of that does not help.
-Still vulnerable to attacks that blind him.
-Allows himself to take damage to power himself up, which is not a smart idea.
-Before unfusing with Future Zamasu, did not have immortality.
-Has trouble sensing foes who are moving too fast.
-Still not in control of 100% of what Goku’s body can do.

 

-Credit to ThatGuyImortal for the information on Goku Black. You can find him here: https://imortalsfightcorner.wordpress.com

 

Dragon Ball Super vs F-Zero! When two despicable dark tyrants duke it out on the fields of war, who will emerge as the ultimate destroyer? Will it be Goku Black, the Supreme Kai of absolute, utter despair and justice, and the pinnacle of perfection? Or Black Shadow, the F-Zero champion spawned from the blackest pits of the cosmos? Find out soon!